A heart of thankfulness

Grateful that I have a husband that cares abt me and sensitive to my emotional attacks. We ended the night chatting even though he say he was tired. In fact he was on his sleep machine for a while before he switch it off and turned to me.

I wasn’t even upset with him. I was just processing myself. But he took the time, to be with me, to comfort me and that send tears gushing down. 😭😭😭

Just thankful that God is in this journey. 

I got to swim this morning. Really needed that dose of endorphins. 

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (‭‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭NIV11‬‬)

Weekend blues

The boy who had multiple meltdowns today, for various reasons. Clearly he is overdue for his nap, but he isn’t willing to zzz. 

His other “twin” also had a major meltdown this morning too, due to insufficient zzz plus unable to regulate her emotionally during her Math revision. 

Times like this, I struggled. I wished I have the wisdom to better manage my own thoughts as well as my kids. 

If anyone told u that parenting is a breeze or is always a bed of roses, don’t believe in that myth! Yes it brings along its joy and fulfilment, but it’s never a breeze or always cheerful. It comes along with tears and frustrations, that’s why the whole parenting journey is filled with bittersweet memories. 

I went for a run this morning bcoz it’s the best way to get endorphins without calories.. lol.. and as much as I enjoy swimming, jogging is the only exercise that my kids will allow me to go without causing an uproar. The toddler would never allow me to swim without him. Plus the sun makes swimming in the mid day an equal challenge to my face which is already filled with age.. hahahahaha..

Also I like to do things which I find it hard to accomplish. It’s a form of discipline. It requires hard work to resist taking the easy route. It requires discipline to continue. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to do this for the next 29 days! 

Night swim

Ever since my mental breakdown last week, I’ve been trying to build up my mental tank, or joy tank. So that when the next attack comes, I’ll be prepared. 

Listened to a podcast today abt channeling anxiety into positive energy and how an appropriate dose of anxiety is primarily used to protect us etc.. but eventually I felt that the podcast was more of promoting the author’s book which I’ll probably go read once I’m done with my current book. 

Went to make a pair of reading glasses coz ever since I’ve had 老花，I can neither read or do my cross stitch which is frustrating coz I end up spending my time scrolling on social media’s which leads to an even bigger problem etc. 

Anyway back to the podcast, the person also suggested one of the steps of topping up our joy tank was to list down 3 things that one is grateful for - daily. And so I did. 

1. Thankful for shelter

- I’m thankful that God provided us with this home, one that ticks all the right boxes. He provided financially, for us to afford this place. Even though, sometimes I do get anxious over if we could afford it, especially since my sales have been pretty quiet for this year. But whatever it is, we shall let God lead

2. Thankful for William 

- I can’t thank him enough, to be my soulmate, my partner and my anchor. He is my 披风岗 - one that I can hide behind or rely upon, when things can overwhelming. Yes, he’s not perfect, but so am I. In fact, I’m thankful that he can be the “speaker” whenever I have to attend social events; when I dunno what to say or when I’m feeling socially awkward. 

3. Thankful for my career and the opportunities

- Thankful that I joined the right man, the right job and industry. If you ask the fresh graduate me 21yrs ago, if I would ever imagine myself to be, I would never have imagined that this was possible.  Grateful for all the opportunities that were given. 

My 9pm zoom flew last min and so I had the chance to do a night swim. 

景色很美，感恩🥹

Praying that I’ll be close to God, in every step of my journey.

Me!

Swimming again coz I haven’t exercised at all this week! Swimming is my safe haven. I wished I could do it in the evening when it’s not that sunny. In time to come when my kids are older and more open to allow mama have her swimming without them. 

April has been quite slow for me. Have a lot of appts but not much closing. Our work is like farming. I guess this is the season of planting seeds and waiting. I can wait. I shall be patient. If this is the place that God plants me to be, He will show me His ways and plans for me. 

”Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭31‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

Family fun

This is me, slightly sunburnt from yesterday’s Adventure cove outing. Life unfiltered and trying to be more confident of how I look, despite the flab and age spots.

Decided to do a 12pm swim coz I needed an extra dose of endorphins plus I’m trying my best to stick to “exercise 4x a week” regime.

I survived 1 whole week without Uncle Choo! Woohoo! 🥳 🎉🎊

The little man has been merciful to me too, having slept thru the night for the last 3 nights. I have been doing the night closings and I guess this kinda assured him so he doesn’t need to wake up middle of the night to check on mama. My dear Angela said it’s bcoz it’s full moon coz her son has been generous to her too..hahaha.. well if that’s the case, I do pray that it’s full moon every night! And it does make a lot of difference - between sleeping uninterrupted sleep for 5-6hrs vs sleeping intermittently for 8hrs. The last few days I’ve woke up automatically even before my alarm rang! The same for my naps too.. 儿子啊，请你对娘好一点吧！

This was us yesterday - the day where all the stars align where it wasn’t raining + no one was having her period day. 

They were supposed to do this during the Dec holidays but it was raining mostly and then sch started which meant only Sundays were avail. I ended up being tasked to do this bcoz the papa is already not in sg and the tickets will expire by the time he came back. 

Becoz Joash was so clingy, there was a stage where I was secretly praying that it will rain super heavily so that I didn’t need to leave him at home (Honest). But eventually I told myself that if the weather was good, we will do it! Then one thing leads to another and our great helper ended up bringing Joash to Jewel coz he wanna see planes. I suggested she meet up with her friends after that so that she could take a breather too. He had fun taking train + bus as always. 

Glad that it all worked out! 9 more days to go! 

Me!

Send this two off in the early morning and headed for gym. The twins offered to go to school on their own while my helper will bring Joash to sch . Thank God for a great helper! We can do this ! 

Trying not to let my emos run all over the place. Haven’t zzz well for the last few days coz Joash has been waking up at the wee hrs and doesn’t zzz back til few hrs later. Was so tempted to get an almond croissant or eat happy after my BFT, but I managed to stop myself. I need to detach my feelings from eating..hahahah.. I don’t need to rely on food to balance my emotions. I could use healthier outlets. May God grant me the strength to pull it thru

My cross stitch has been a great distraction.. lol.. takes my mind away from all the anxiety.. just need to find someone to adopt it when I’m done! 

My goal for the next 2.5 weeks :

1) spend more time with the twins 

2) pick didi up from school and bring him for the late afternoon swims 

3) exercise 4x a week 

4) complete my cross stitch 

Maybe I should do a solo trip. Hahaha.. just thinking out loud. Todays just the first day of the week.. Jiayou Lena! 我可以的

Change for the better

Following my emotional early week, I decided to sort out my thoughts and realign what I really want in this weight loss/ exercise regime. Fact of the matter is I haven’t lost any weight since i started gym exercises. I am a lot more energetic now and fitter, be it emotionally/mentally/physically,  but if we look strictly at the weighing scale - negative. 

No loss in weight and no gain in muscle 🤣🤣🤣 

I eat as though I’m breastfeeding. And it’s scary sometimes. Lol… then I stumble onto some YouTube videos of women struggling with their relationship with Food and I reasonate with them. I eat when I’m happy, I eat even more when I’m sad. Food isn’t just food. It is an escape to me. It brings me more joy than online shopping to be honest. I don’t know which is a bigger evil, to shop excessively and end up being broke and a lot of clutter but no gain in calories; or eat excessively with lots of calories, but no clutter and still broke.. hahahaha.. 

And sometimes the impulse eating gets into me. The guilt that strikes u a second blow after the calories creep into yr body systems. Like why didn’t I exercise more self control? It’s like having an affair with FOOD when u alrdy swear that u going to be a good girl and be faithful and eat CLEAN. 

So I decided to blog my #changeforthebetter series so that in time to come, I hope I can see an improvement in me. It may seem slow progress, but as long as I don’t quit, the slow progress is still progress. 

What do I hope to achieve out of the exercise regime? What’s my goals? 

1) To be healthier, to get fitter, to go to BFT at least 4x a week

2) Not quit 

Eating clean isn’t part of my goals. I will eat yummy food, and clean food as and when I like. Hahahaha… I can’t manage so many diff things at a time. Just wanna make sure I show up for gym now. Show up, and sweat thru the 55mins regime and I can do whatever I want for the rest of the day. 

Til then.

Anxiety attacks

The fact that I can write abt this means that I’ve walked out of the deep hole I was in, just 10+ days ago. 

I’ve been exercising quite actively, at least 4-5 times a week. I like how it keeps me refreshed for work, how I don’t need to go back for a little snooze if I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning. 

Went for a swim today coz my body was still aching from the last 2 days of gym. I like swimming coz it allows me to think through my thoughts; have a conversation with God, and wouldn’t be distracted by other things. 

Anyway, fell into a deep dark hole just recently. Suddenly had an anxiety attack and started to doubt if I was competent enough to do the tasks ahead. What if God didn’t wan me to do what I was doing? What if God made a mistake? Or what if I had heard Him wrongly? Maybe He wanted me to just focus more time on advisory or kids rearing? Or what if everyone thought that “Lena Soon” will xxxxx, but turn out it’s just fluke? And suddenly, all the anxieties and fears weigh so heavily on my shoulders that I felt trapped. Fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations; fear of not having the wisdom of motivating/ encouraging my babies to their fullest potential; fear of disappointing those who place their “bets” on me. What if I had done my possible best and it still wasn’t enough? 

I don’t have the perfect solution to all my anxieties. Journaling and preparing for the trainings help, so does writing to God and praying to Him. Just last Saturday, our church pastor was sharing on the book of James and he talked abt my fav verse. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This too shall pass God. I hope when I come back to read this, I’ll be mature and complete and not lacking anything. 

Emotional eating

Did I eat this bcoz I went to the gym or did I go to the gym bcoz I had this? Hahahaha… seriously don’t know which comes first. 

Been doing a lot of emotional eating, and I’m not sure if it was gym or the new mgmt role that led to it. Gym has been fun actually. I drag myself there every morning but I feel great once I’m done with it. And it gives an immediate release of all the pent up unhappiness/tension/anxiety. The thing is, then the rest of the day will be me telling myself “I deserve to eat xxxx bcoz I went gym today…” hahahahah.. and then the next morning I’ll tell myself “I should go gym today bcoz I had xxxxx yday” 

Feels like a rat running in cycles. 

We are supposed to move next Monday but both William and I weren’t super impressed with the renovations and how it look on a whole. Not sure how it’s going to pan out, but it was a sad moment for me yday bcoz a part of me probably regretted engaging my gf to do this and trusting her wholeheartedly. The overall look just didn’t gel and the extreme case would b to tear down most of it and either redo, or get ready made ones. I felt horrible. 

I’m the kind of client who, if I trust you, I trust you entirely. I don’t look at the fine prints or if everything make sense. If you as a professional tells me it’s going to b great, I expect it to b at least good enough for u to stay. Haiz.. William is meeting the reno people again later to discuss. 

Another part of me felt that I wished I was more competent in this area then mayb we could shoulder this reno project today. It’s all on him and I think he is feeling even worse than me now. 

Of coz there is the other part of me who tries to console him and say as long as we are staying together as a family, it really doesn’t matter how or what we stay at lo.. oh well.. 

praying for God’s peace and wisdom as we battle our own challenges. It’s the end of July and Aug comes with its own challenges. This week seems easy for me. I’m tempted to fix some client appts, but I wanna leave time for my family+babies+shifting. So we see how la. 

We often say every child is different. It just dawn on me that every adult is also different, and they are probably a lot more difficult to mould than kids. 主啊，请赐给我力量和智慧。

Me

After my emo rant that day, I decided to go back to exercising. Coz exercise makes one happy. Ditched my parenting duties and went for a Swim that night. No guilt coz I know I need to be mentally well before I can care for my kids. 

And the swim was good. Joash slept easily according to my helper. 

And I finally decided that I should give BFT and me a chance.. hahaha.. after being nudged by my friend a 1000000x times.

Thank you for persuading me to come and insisting that I take the trial after that.. lol.. she just assumed I would and told the staff to do the paperwork when I was still panting after the exercise. 

But it was greatly appreciated. Coz otherwise I will give myself another week of excuses not exercises. Thank you for going the extra mile for me today. We shall see how this goes. Either u get tired of coming to this outlet instead of yr usual outlet or me running out of steam.

JM asked me if this was better over the PT that I took few mths ago. My reply was this: “It’s like how we ask our kids to do 作文 at home vs in sch.. in sch coz everyone does it so they will die die complete.. at home a lot of excuses etc. I’m that kind of student.”

I felt good today. I did something I was uncomfortable. I could have cancelled coz Joash woke up at 5am; or bcoz I wasn’t feeling up to it but I’m glad I didn’t. Little wins. 🤗

Enjoying my quiet lunch and comfort food. I love marche. It’s one of the food joints that can feed my village affordability. 

Going to say goodbye to such comfort food soon. Decided to eat clean again after my bday.. haha.. going to start a new regime then. Haven’t quite decided on which option but I think I should do something for myself. I don’t buy expensive things for myself, whatever I earn, is used mostly to feed my village. I want to do something for myself; to make myself healthier, so that I can do more with the kids as I age. 

God, be with me as I embark on this new journey. I’m excited yet afraid. But I know U are in control, and U will be with me every step of the journey. Amen!

Brand new year brand new start

This was lunch, my deliberate attempt to eat clean and healthy again. Haven’t been super consistent in going for my cupping sessions and my weight has been on a yo-yo. I eat clean when I make a conscious effort but the eating gets screw up each time I don’t have enough zzz , then the craving for carbs or sugary stuff come in..

I do wish that with this new year , sleep will b better for everyone and then I can focus on healthy living and work too!

I walked to Poiz twice today. The first time to get the lunch and the second time to get a cup of kopi. I contemplated ordering the kopi on grab but paying $8 for a cup of kopi was just not worth it. And in the end, I’m glad I “worked” for the calories. Needed the extra dose of endorphins as well, just to keep me chirpy and energised. I’m having 3 zooms today, and also 3 zooms the day before.

It feels great to work (be it exercise / work work). 

Thankful for the fruitful day and thankful that January is packed to the brim.

Random

I’m back in the pool again, the 4th time in 2 weeks. Needed this to increase my metabolism. With working from home since 2020, it also meant that the number of steps I clocked generally are in the hundreds only.. lol.. 

I’ve gain 1.5kg since last week and it’s seriously freaking me out. I tried to go back to clean / healthy eating but it made me so restless and emo that I had a dive into sugars the next couple of days. Baby J likes his carbs and he is v. Certain abt that. I hope when he comes into this world, he brings with him his carbs cravings. I miss my salads and greens. 

At week 23, I’m almost 2 thirds into this leg of the race. Seriously I can’t wait for week 37 to arrive. I pant even when doing short walks. I feel like an enormous hippo all the time.. lol.. though I need to remind myself that this shall be the LAST time I will ever look like this, when people wouldn’t judge / gossip about looking huge. Hahah.. 

Time to exercise

Went for my first swim this week and it felt so good after that. Havent been exercising for the last 2 weeks coz I was feeling burnt out from work. Was supposed to go trekking with uncle pig yday but I fell asleep in the car and he decided to let me zzz more. I'm glad that I finally crawled out to do some exercise today. The struggle is real. The inertia is HUGE! Hopefully I can swim tomorrow as well. 

Looking forward to the sch holidays coz we would b doing a 1 week staycation at rws. Would b a good break to simply spend time with the kids and enjoy them (I hope). Its also uncle pig bday this Sunday and neither me nor the girls know what to get for our man. I wanted to get him a new hp but was shot down. A colleague suggested getting him an iron since he's our iron man but it doesnt seem like a birthday present. I've given him ang bao before, and that is the last I wanna do for this yr. Oh God, I hate birthdays.. but its also the time to celebrate his presence with us isn't it.. 

Change for the better

Just did my 2nd swim this week and feeling super shiok over it! Though there was a minor scare during the swim coz I saw a mermaid while swimming in the dark. My vision isn't that good at night and I thought a tail swam past me during the 2nd lap..n when I returned again, I saw the whole mermaid! Some adult bought the tail and swim with it..🤣🤣🤣 next time I shall ask her where she got it from..hahahah.. can work on my core muscles..

This is the week to get back in shape after all the holiday feasting. Back to healthy eating and exercising twice a week. Been too indulgent with all the partying that I've put on 3 kg since nov! Omg! The goal this yr is to lose another 10kg and reach 65! I can do it! 💪💪💪

In other news, I will b doing a mini sharing next week in office..omg.. public speaking (again).. it's a love hate relationship.. love to step out of my comfort zone and improve on myself; hate it bcoz it's super uncomfortable. Hope that God grants me the wisdom to make a positive impact; and that I wont screw up la.. in Jesus name I pray amen! 

Woman is so hard to pleased

Had promised the twins to bring them to Ikea before the start of jun holidays but only got to doing it today.

Was an empty Monday for me thus I suggested to uncle choo that perhaps we could go paktor after Ikea..

Dropped the twins at school abt 11ish and asked him where we going .. he says he can't think of anything and thus we headed home.. Coz still too full from breakfast and he wants to do housework..

Ya, the 女人 in me was feeling sian.. argh.. besides eating, I can't think of any activities that we enjoy doing..难得老娘今天不用去工作，我们可以 lomantic  一下吗。难道除了吃，我们就没有别的活动了吗?

suggested cycling and he said it's too hot to cycle at noon.。say I will go crazy with the weather.. blah blah.. suggested bowling and he say he wanna do housework.. 😣

Anyway we went for bak kut teh after he was done with his housework.. complained with my kakis that I think men, especially Singaporean men, stop dating after a few yrs..lol. . Told him if there's no plans , then I probably head back office after lunch (last resort).

And we went cycling after lunch.. lol.. 我知道我很麻烦。。哈哈😄。。 

This was probably the first and only decent shot we took.. Coz shortly after I was exhausted by the cycling.. initially had wanted to cycle all the way to waterway point but cycling on pedestrian walkway was too challenging for an amateur cyclist like me.. and by the time we reaxh the PCN, I was too exhausted ..lol. . The whole cycling stint probably took less than an hr but I was happy that we managed to do some activities other than eating.. haha.. at least we burnt some calories tog.. haha..

Me

I did my first night swim today, while the girls were clued to the Chingay telecast on TV.

I had gained 3 kg since the start of the yr.. argh. .( Kinda obvious from my photos) And thus needed to go back to my exercise regime. The thing abt exercising / swimming is this , before u start, there would b a thousand and one reasons why you shouldn't and don't feel like doing. But once u completed it, you feel good abt it. This happens to me all the time. . Lol..

And being someone who has PCOS also meant that one is more prone to weight gain, insulin resistant and thus diabetics. N being an emotional eater certainly didn't help.  Haha.. (I eat a lot when I'm emo.. I eat a lot more when I'm happy.. )

Anyway I'm glad I did it.. gotten do it more diligently. I need to be healthy so that I have the energy to be with my girls, to grow old with mr Choo, and enjoy our time together..

On new yr resolutions

1st Jan came and left , just like any typical weekend with the kids and no school. We had home made pizza for lunch today and after nap, went to a neighbouring mall for dinner and jalan-jalan.

I haven't made new yr resolutions for a long while, maybe coz i hvnt had the determination to see thru it. But this yr I thought maybe I should list down the things I hope to see a change to:

1) FB
- I've deactivated my account again ! Yeah! I've done it before and I really like the days without FB. Perhaps will do this on a regularly basis. Life is a lot more free without FB and time can be channelled to doing other things.  😊

2) Exercise
- yes I want to kick-start back my exercise regime.  The few travelling trips+hectic work+festive kinda stop everything for a while.
- I want to exercise at least 3 times a week (my highest was 5 a week). I thought I never say this but I do enjoy the exercise regime and the level of energy it gives me.

3) Joy
- want to spend more 1 to 1 time with her. She is often the neglected one and I should give her more time together. Perhaps can push her together to do some exercise

4) blog more and attend church more regularly.

Hope that when 2017 comes I can look back at this and be proud that I did what I've said today.