Yesterday was a fulfilling day. I went for a swim to burn some cny calories, did a FF via zoom, had a fruitful lunch with a colleague before meeting joy for the rest of the afternoon.
It has become a mthly routine to spend the afternoon with her after sch, where she would go for her braces tightening and we would chat over coffee and cakes. Today was extended coz I needed to meet a client for a short appt at 5pm. So we had dinner before coming back. I thought I had spend a few good hrs with her, listening to her talk to me abt her world and the struggles she’s facing etc. I put on my listening ear, was careful not to pass any judgmental remarks, and just listened as a friend. As we head home on the bus, I asked her, her thoughts of us receiving a new family member. Bcoz I could sense that she wasn’t receptive, unlike her other 2 sisters who have started to embrace the fact and are actually looking forward to baby’s arrival. Her reply : “it’s the start of sleepless nights lo..” I was shocked. It was short, harsh and unkind. It felt that the whole world was about her. And this was after topping up her love tank! I didn’t say much bcoz I didn’t have the wisdom to handle it. I asked if she could look at it positively, like having a new addition also meant that we would most likely shift to a bigger place and she would b getting her much desired own room. I was desperate, as u can see. She shook her hand. Suddenly even her own space wasn’t enticing enough.
It bothered me, coz among the 3 girls, I have to say that we spend the most time with her, always making sure that we cared abt her feelings when the twins came and even after that, we make deliberate efforts to spend one to one with her, but her comments made me realize that it seems it was never enough. It wasn’t enough despite that she alrdy had more attention than her single kid friends, or that her parents prioritise spending time with them over making more money.
I told william abt it late at night. I felt disheartened that Joy was feeling so self entitled. I don’t know if it’s my fault that we are expecting baby J or it’s the kids of this generation. It seem like no amt of love was enough for her. And at that moment, I was feeling more guilty towards the twins coz they are often “compromised”. When we only had Joy, we travelled to so many countries, bringing her with us. When the twins came, the logistics and finances of bringing 3 young kids were too overwhelming that we either went to nearby countries and/or reduce the frequency of traveling. It was only the last 2 yrs before Covid that we started to travel more again. And with the latest addition, it probably meant that if we were to travel (again) for the company trips, it probably meant the 2 of us + baby J while the girls would b at home, fulfilling their sch requirements.
It must be the hormones but I couldn't zz the whole night. Praying for wisdom for me to touch Joy, as well as God expand my heart, so that I could have enough LOVE for all 4 kids + my hubby.. hahah.. praying that the twins wouldn't have an advsere reaction when Baby J is here. The memory of Joy's reaction when the twins came is still raw in my mind. Probably make one to one session with the twins during the mar hols, and remembering that I need to spend time with them as well. God, grant me the time, the wisdom and patience to do it all.. in Jesus name i pray, amen!
