Lunch appt

Met a client for a review over lunch today and she asked how old the twins are. Her eyes glowed when I told her that they are 6 now. She commented that how time flies..Indeed it has. She has been my client for 8yrs.

It seem like yday when I broke down in front of her during one of our many lunch appts, lamenting abt my infertility (IF) struggles and how hard it is to just survive, breathe and pretend that IF doesn't hurt. It remains one of the toughest challenges of my life, battling depression and IF. It must have been too much for me that I wept in the midst of our appt; in front of someone I wasn't even close to. I was surprised when the emotions took the better of me but my client was pretty chilled about it. She comforted me; encouraged me and watched the many phrases that I went thru..

As I looked thru the #infertility posts that I've made in 2011, I'm glad that God was with me / us thru the many seasons. No words can express my emotions. And when I caught snippets of 《新生》aka "Babies on Board" this morning, I was reminded of how real IF is. And I just wanna take this time to encourage the friends that are still trying. I pray that God, you prepare and warm their womb, that You breathe life into their wombs, so that they too could experience parenthood. God, I pray that You carry them in this journey, that even though it seems arduous, You strengthen and comfort them. I pray that You send angels to them too, just like how you've send this client to me, so that they have someone to share this with. I know it's hard but we are all rooting for u ! In Jesus name I pray, amen!

My Blog..

Recently a client of me asked for my blog address coz she knows of a Christian friend who is exploring IVF and would like to know more about it.. I was very happy to hear that.. that I would be able to share my experiences with someone else.. but just as I was trying to text my blog address to her, only did I realise that I have not visited this site for soooooo long that I have problems recalling the html... haha... oops!

Anyway, also bcoz of this, I did a search entry of my IVF posts and stumbled upon my struggles back then.. God has been so gracious and kind... He has protected me throughout my IVF Journey, and becoz I am only human, we tend to forget this when the struggles become not so struggling... I was unable to control my tears when I re-read the posts in the office.. thankfully no one saw it... :p

Well, I just wanna do a prayer to those who are trying at this moment in time..

Dear Lord,
I pray that You bless the womb of these couples, as it is their intention to multiply. Lord Jesus, nothing is impossible in Yr Name, if it is in Yr Plans. Lord Jesus, I pray that You comfort these people, as they try, months after months; some even longer.. Lord, the journey seems so long and difficult and harsh, but if You are there with us, then it seems so do-able.. so Lord Jesus, I pray that you carry our burdens and blow life into their wombs... May they be able to see light at the tunnels soon. . . in Jesus name I pray, amen...

Happy 1 year old!

- Drafted on 27th Apr 2013-

Lying down on my bed half naked and breast feeding grace, and staring at party balloons, I know I am 幸福的。The girls are finally one today and in a couple of hrs time, we are gonna celebrate with some friends , have a small party and relax. 

365 days since they came into our world and its a huge milestone in my life, if not the Choos. I never quite imagine life taking care of twins although I did blog/believe/say that I'm gonna have a pair of twins even before I was ever pregnant (bcoz of my mom being a twin herself ) but after having a pair myself, I often wonder why God gave me! Hahahahaha.. My God must be thinking why is it so hard to satisfy humans? Didn't I juz ordered a pair of twins and didn't He juz delivered his promise? After having twins, I kept wondering if only I had a child one at a time, then mayb we could have 4 kids in total. Or maybe we would be able to manage our time better with each and every single one of them. But bcoz the twins really exhausted all our means (esp when we can't rely on either set of grandparents for much help), we decided that this is it. 3 kids and I've completely my national commitment . Mayb God has plans for us that I can't see now la.. But I am still grateful for him for what he has done for us, for bringing me to the valleys and to teaching me to lean on him in all situations , to trusting him in all. Yes I'm grateful for all. It's when one has reached the valley before he starts to appreciate the scenery at the mountains., (chim hor)

At this moment, I'm grateful and happy and satisfied. And I wanna pray for all my friends who's going thru their struggles right now, be it infertility , work or r/s, I juz wanna assure you that God is with You and His promise is real . I pray that soon you will be able to ride thru the valleys, that whatever seem the world to u now will soon come to pass, that You trust God in yr walk with Him, and may He guides yr passage walk. In Jesus name I pray , amen!

IVF

-Posted on 30th jul -
Recently met up with the acquaintance at a bday party. She was the one I talked abt previously when both of us were trying at abt the same time. Time flies, my twins are alrdy 3 mths old n I could c her envious eyes when she carried my girls. I told her that she should try again and I pray for her that it will b her turn soon, to experience motherhood, to enjoy the diaper changing , the bottles feeding n sleepless nights which many, including me, has taken for granted.

In another separate incident, a close friend of mine is in the midst of her IVF cycle. It is an emo rollercoaster ride for her too, not forgetting how tiring n painful the entire experience is as well.

As I look at these two friends of mine, I juz wanna pray for both of them right now. Lord, I pray that you breathe life into their womb, that You let them conceive . Lord, you grant their desire, their desire to have children. Lord, You carry them , when they r in their lowest valleys, give them strength n courage to persevere , You give them faith, that it will b their turn soon, in Your planned timing , in Jesus name I pray, Amen

Blood test part 2

Did my 2nd blood test today n gynae juz called to reconfirm tat everything is in order n based on the level of my Hcg, most likely we are expecting a singleton! Which is quite a gd thing on it's own, considering tat we'll be able to take the hospital ward package, dont need to change a car, pay double of infant care fees, n me forcing uncle pig to quit his biz.. Haha.. So okie la.. Although I thought it would b nice to hv twins, the financial n non-financial commitment will b much harder for us to cope. So I guess God knows what's best for us coz after uncle pig went thru the sums w me y'day , I did a short prayer to God asking him to give us the no. Of kids He think ww could cope comfortably.

Right now, I'm juz simply grateful for all He has done n looking so forward to getting all the things ready when bb arrives! I'm officially pregnant! Yeah!

P/s: I also did a calculation of the total cost for our IVF n I'm happy to say tat the total is less than $14k, minus the $6k u can deduct fr Yr medisave, effectively we spent abt $8k cash in total.. Not too bad considering tat it's fr a private clinic. thank God again for keeping the cost low..

Feelings after >12 hrs

After > 12 hrs of receiving the news, I think both uncle pig n I had trouble falling asleep.. Looking at his FB posting he only zz abt 3am while I woke up suddenly at 330am, simply amazed by wat God has done for us, n super excited to receive our new family member (s) in 9 mths time! 

But before he/she/them come, there r still a few hurdles to clear.. The coming blood test on sat (yes, again! Haiz) to make sure everything is in order, the 6th week scan in 2 weeks time to make sure we hear the heartbeat(s) , and the viability tat the foetus can make it to full term. These are still the many hurdles we need to clear, and I was pretty pissed w uncle pig for his FB posting n declaring it to the whole world. Had really wanted to wait till we cleared the major hurdles before we tell our friends. But I guess he was too excited abt it n his friends were too smart to capture the subtle post.. 

How amazing tat in a span of 4yrs, my attitude towards pregnancy would change so much. When I was preg w joy then, I was filled w resentment, n thought tat it was too early for us to accept another member in the family. I was emo n sad at every stage of my pregnancy - fearful if I had the ability n heart to take care of the little one, sad tt I had to go thru some morning sickness, n feeling tired all the time. I was not aware of what's going to happen to me then. Fast forward n now, it's all feelings of gratefulness, excitement. I'm thankful tat God decide to give us another chance, to love n care for someone else. The timing in His own ways couldn't be any more perfect. We r more ready now, and I know I wanted it too. Uncle pig was so excited tt he started to shortlist names in the afternoon. Talk abt being excited! Haha.. Looking forward to my full blown morning sickness, my first scan, shopping for the little one(s), redecorating the nursery,the first kick(s), changing to more comfy shoes, n many many more!

Lord, we thank you for what U have given to us, and I pray that u continue to protect the foetus in my womb, so that they will continue to grow n develop to full term. Lord, I pray for a gd result for this sat blood test n I pray for Yr divine protection thru this 9mths.  - Amen

The Day....

Gynae juz called.. It's positive! Praise the Lord! Thank u for praying for me! Cried juz now when I received the news. Can't imagine this happening.. Need to do another blood test on sat thou to make sure everything's okie.. Right now I can't breathe at all.. So excited happy! Even asked gynae a dumb qn juz now if he knows it's one or two n uncle pig says tat not impt at all.. Thank you God for answering to our prayers!
Pray tat the baby (s) continue to grow n develop.. Thank you!

Counting down to the last 3 days..

It seem so long but finally everything is coming to an end. In another 3 more days, I will be going to the gynae again for my last ever (I hope) blood test to check on the result. It's as though going for a school examination to know if you have passed it n thus able to move to the next stage or if u have failed n need to discuss the next best way to move on..

To sum it up, the whole journey has been pretty pleasant.. There weren't the horrid side effects tt I've heard, or the emo rollercoasters tt I was afraid abt, or the super painful injections tt come w blue blacks n bruises.. I am thankful tat God protected me from all of those.. Wat I did experienced were a little bit more bloatedness during the 2ww, which was kinda weird coz I Thot the bloatedness shld hv come during the stimulation stage n not now when there's only 2 of them (hopefully) in me.. But the discomfort did cause a small alarm to me.. When I started to feel breathless after a flight of stairs, or when I can't lie down to zz coz I can't breathe. I've learnt to adjust my body n take things really SLOWLY..

But looking at the whole thing, it really is quite okie.. N if I were to choose again, I would still do it..
Would my answer be the same if I knew the result? Yes. I've tried my best, the ways I know to conceive, and if the end result is still the same, I will accept it. It's juz like taking the exam even if you know you only had a limited resources, but you will still sit it, try Yr best n let Him do the rest.

During this period, I've seen also, how Joy grown, to be a mature young adult, and let mummy rest whenever possible. She no longer demands me to go to school with her in the mornings, and she's okie if I stay at home for the whole day, and she even told my mom recently that "we can't go USS now coz mummy can't walk now and need plenty of rest". This warms my heart. God, sometimes when I see her and Uncle Pig, I stand in awe of the blessings you have given them to me! Without them, I'm sure the whole IVF journey would be completely different, and right now, I'm so thankful for these 2 sweet souls in my life. Thank you Lord!

I also pray right now for God to grant us the desire in our hearts n I hope that our friends can pray together for us. I know a couple of u guys have been with us thru the whole journey.. N I'm grateful to all of you.. But I hope that no one ask us now.. let us take our time to keep you updated coz kinda feeling the stress when more n more pple ask.. Nevertheless thank you for Yr love and care showered on us thru this while!

2ww

2ww - 2 week wait, where there's nothing much to do, except to wait.. wait to see if the embies managed to attached itself properly, and grow. Of course, I still need to have some medication, but they are mostly tablets, and not injections. It just seem yesterday that I made this impulsive suggestion to Uncle Pig about doing IVF, and right now, we are almost at the end of the cycle. Before the start of the cycle, I was afraid, fearful of how things would turn out, and how would I survive the whole of the journey. But right now, I'm thankful that I went thru it.It really wasn't that hard after all, I mean seriously.. I had thought that it would be ten times more difficult, but I'm glad that I've tried, and God was with us when we went thru this cycle. I know things could only be so easy and smooth sailing, because He was with us all along. And now I need to leave it to God. In his own ways that I might or might not understand, I know He will always want the best for me. - Amen

p/s: trying to rest as much as I can right now and trying to cover my time at home... bored..yes, i'm starting to feel bored...haha

ET (Embryo Transfer) on 1st Sept

After the procedure on mon, gynae called and informed me that there were 7 eggs retrieved from the 8 follicles scanned, which was a huge relief. I had expected a lot lesser, but I'm thankful for the 7 eggs that God has blessed us. Further later, out of the 7 eggs retrieved, 5 managed to be fertilised! Praise the Lord! This is definitely something that I had not expected. I was still jokingly telling Uncle Pig that we might not even have to go to the ET stage coz I didnt think any of the 7 would be fertilised. (Coz I've heard of people who had >10 eggs and yet only 1-2 eggs were fertilized and made it back to the ET stage).  At that moment, I just prayed that God will see us through it all, and regardless if there were 1, 2 or 0 eggs to be transferred, I will leave it to the Lord. It's something that's not in my control but in His control. And when the gynae called to tell me the results and that we are gonna do the ET on thur, I was pleasantly surprised. And I know that all these were only possible because of Him.

Anyway, so we went for the ET on thur. It was much easier and less painful than on Monday. However, what was unpleasant was that I was required to be on complete bed rest till end of the day. So it was pretty inconvenient, cause it also meant peeing on the hospital bed. Yes, peeing on the "pee pan", as explained by the nurse. Although I empited my bladder immediately after the procedure (cause the gynae requested for a FULL bladder at the start of the procedure, so that its easier to transfer the embies properly), I still resorted to using the pee pan, TWICE! Yes, twice.. no choice... coz really drank too much at the start..haha.. it was pretty inconvenient, but the nice nurses at Gleneagles, help to make it less discomfort. =)

ER 29/8/11 @ 930am

Procedure was done in a sec.. Coz I was kinda knocked out within a while n by the time they woke me up, it was completed. The nurses here are nice, juz like the time when I had joy.. Warm n hospitable. Thank God for them, which made everything seem more ok.. Now waiting for the anesthetic to wear off before they can discharge me. Waiting for my breakfast to come too! Haha.. Kinda miss the food here when I was delivering joy 4 yrs ago.. Haha..
Thank God for everything.. Not sure abt the extraction results and don't wanna worry abt tt coz I know I'm in safe hands. Amen!

ER (Embryo Retrieval) 29/8/11 @ 645am

Dear lord I pray that you accompany me to the procedure. For someone who's so afraid of pain, you protected me thru these 4 weeks of daily jabs, making it seem like a breeze. Lord I pray tt u oversee this whole process n protect the hearts of my 2 precious: uncle pig & joy.. They hv been a continuous source of support n they r also praying for what are heart deeply desire - another child. Lord I know u love them more than I do.. And I trust tat you hv plans in place for all 3 of us. Lord give me peace to go thru the rest of the leg.. In Jesus name I pray, amen

ED1

The Emo Day..
It's coming to a mth since we started on our daily dose of injections.. It's been quite smooth , on the whole.. Till we went for our visit on mon n dr commented the growth of the eggs were a little sluggish.. Huh? I Thot it was so far so gd? How did it suddenly become sluggish? He suggested increasing the dosage of Puregon from 150mg to 200 mg n hopefully things will get better. Egg retrieval which was initially estimated to be either thur or fri might be delayed. We are to c him again on wed and c how.

Wed came and it was confirmed.. Sluggish.. My heart sank. Most likely there will only b abt 8 follicles ready for retrieval looking at their growth. On one hand, it's gd news tat I didn't get OHSS or too many eggs tat made breathing an issue . But on another hand, the no of eggs is definitely much lesser than wat we had expected. If there were only 8 follicles, n assuming tat not all follicles contained an egg, i might b looking at 6 eggs? And I shudder to think at the end how many would b successful embryos for me to put inside.. Haiz..
Tears flowed as these thoughts passed my mind.. The first day (ED1) when my emo got the better of me.. Nice uncle pig told me tt we should surrender to the Lord, tt we will continue to do our best and trust in the Lord tt He will do the rest.
Yes, I agree.. I had worried deep in my heart initially, that I will hv too many frozen embryos and they will b wasted n it juz seem like a life forsaken.. And I prayed for just the right no. Of embryos . And I shall pray again now.. That the Lord, my God, does not need many to start w, to create the little miracle in our lives. He knows our needs, and He provides. It just take 1 to be successful, if He is willing.
Yes, we will surrender completely to Him and adhere to His guidance.

And going a little further, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, "Abba Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. - Mark 14:35-36

ivf read

This is by far the clearest of the IVF procedure that I've found on the web.. Saves my explanation when I explain to my friends what I'm going thru and the stages.. Go read...


http://www.victoriafertility.com/14p_in-vitro_fertilization.htm

My Protein Diet

Today is the start of my protein diet. Under the advise of many in forum, it's best to start doing my egg whites at this stage. As it will reduce the bloatedness of my tummy and reduce the chances of having OHSS (Overian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). The "recommended" amt that one should consume is about 10 per day!!! Yes, 10!! I got a shock too, when I heard it. After telling Uncle Pig about it, the enthuastic guy went to buy 90 eggs and now they are sitting at my living room. Haha.. anyway, he cooked 6 today, and I've already eaten 3 for breakfast.

I've always been a fan of eggs, half/hard boiled eggs.. coz with the dark soya sauce, it always taste nice! Not sure if my palatte has changed recently, but I find it hard to even finish my #2 egg white,  much to imagine 10! Will pack them for lunch/tea/dinner later.. hehe.. to my lunch/tea kakis, you can always share my eggs now..hahah...

Right now, I pray that God will protect me from OHSS, as people with PCOS (me) is even more prone to getting it.  Lord, I surrender to you, and leave this IVF to your control. I pray that you protect me from all negative thoughts, and that you protect my womb, so that I will have the right no. of eggs, eggs that's healthy. Lord, I also pray that during this period, I will continue to seek you, that I will continue to praise you, for your Goodness. Lord, I pray that during this period of time,  my work will be stablised and I will be able to focus. I pray that I have the energy to explain the details to the clients and I pray that they will see value in the work I do. Lord, I also pray for William's biz, that you continue to give him wisdom in solving all the issues there, and I pray that you protect this household. In Jesus name, I pray
- Amen-

The Day I Drew Blood..

Sounds gross right... haha.. but it really happened! Had my first trial of injecting the 2nd kind of medication (Puregon), which comes with a Puregon pen lookalike thing used to do the injections. Dont know why, but after the injection, there were droplets of blood.. hmm, well, the only thing I can conclude is either I've poked into my vein accidentally or this Puregon pen is not as friendly as my first injection. To my first conclusion, I was kinda happy.. coz to think that I've poked myself for >15 days and this was the first time I hit the vein, I thank God ah.. haha.. In fact, was just chatting with one of my church friends on Sunday and she asked if I had blueblacks all over my tummy, which I told her no, I didnt. Cause her friend who was doing IVF some time back, was aways hit with blueblacks / brusies. Which it then daunted upon me that, I rem reading somewhere that it's quite common. But God had protected me from more suffering, which I'm juz simply grateful and counting the little blessings. =)

Oh, did a rough calculation and I should be doing my egg retrieval next week!!! Arrrhhhhh! So fast!?? It just seem y'day when I was still deciding if I should be doing it, and next week would be the estimated ER? OMG! Kinda feel excited at the thought of it.. and hopefully if all else is smooth in God's plan, we will complete this cycle by end of Aug and we will know the result by mid Sept..

Just taking my time to enjoy my me time at home, and count the little blessings. =)

Day 15

A bit lost with my counting but to sum it up, I've completely the first set of injections and were supposedly to start the 2nd set tomorrow. Met the gynae today again for an examination, and I muz say that this 2 weeks have been a breeze! Thank God for his mercy and protection. There was only a couple of mini-arguments tat I had with uncle pig, and not those mega catastrophic ones tat we used to hv when we were doing our IUIs and for this, I'm grateful. Jus trying to count my little blessings as it goes. =)

Anyway we did a blood test n a ultrasound scan today. Thought I could progress to stage 2 from tomorrow but dr says tt we need to wait for the blood test before he can advise on the dosage of the new med..and therefore, I would need to extend my stage 1 for another 2-3days bah..not tat it matters..essentially when u r doing >80 injections, I guess it didn't really matter if we had to do 2-3 more.. Haha.. Trying my best to b optimistic..maybe God wants me to be more prepared emotionally before we go to stage 2? Coz thats when the discomfort sinks in, with the bloated stomach n the over-stimulation of eggs..kinda regretted tt I didn't work as much as I wanted during stage 1 coz it really was quite workable ah.. Regret ah... And now at this stage 2 coming, I wouldn't dare work as hard or fix many appts..for fear of everything..

God, I pray to you tat u continue to guide us in this journey.. Tat you guard my emotions, bless me with the nice pple to meet for my work so tat I can still work and continue to provide for the household. Lord, I pray tat I will have peace in our hearts and I pray tat U will guide William in his biz too. Lord I thank you for William and joy in my life, and I pray that you give them good health. In Jesus name I pray,
- Amen -

Day 5

It's been a few days since I started my injections.. Initially the plan was for uncle pig to help w the injections as I was allergic to pain.. But juz so happened tat the couple of days was so hectic for his baking tat I didn't hv the heart to make him rush bk juz to do it for me.. So far we both did twice each.. And I'm proud to say tat I'm much better than him.. Haha... At least I really don't feel a tinge of pain at all!! Happy happy... 

It juz seems so easy now.. The fears n reservations I had initially, 都好像是多余的。will be seeing the gynae again next week n right now I juz can't wait to start on my 2nd set! Haha...happy day!

Day 1 of IVF..

Was feeling jittery as the day draws near .. Thoughts abt aborting it did come to my mind.. But rather than going down tat route, I juz prayed once again this morning for peace n God's guidance in this journey. Which I felt today. Yes. Morning traffic to town was a breeze.. We arrived early to b able to have happy breakfast before going to the clinic. Right inside the consultation rm, dr explained my blood test to us, our eggs supply n quality.. Everything was gd n within the normal range.. But if everything was gd, then y didnt we get the results we wanted? Haiz..
Anyway dr explained once again abt the procedures n the no of injections to b done.. I muz hv miscalculated! Coz instead of having one injection n increasing it every set of 10 days, it's actually every set of 2 weeks! Faintz... Which means tat I will b jabbing for 6 weeks n a total of 84 jabs!! My mind ran super fast w the calculation n back.. Haha.. Doc says that it will be over even before I know it, which I seriously doubt it.. haha.. but anyway, just concentrate a jab a day first la.. The nurse demonstrated the procedures n did the first jab. I won't say tt it's painless, but it's definitely less painful than the ones I had when doing my IUIs.. So overall it's still a happy day! now juz have to decide on the timing of my injection coz it will hv to b followed strictly everyday.. Tinking of doing it everyday at midnight but dr says usually most pple do it early in the morning.. Haha.. Shall c how la
Thank God for overseeing it all. I pray tat everyday will b as easy as today.. =p

p/s: thot that the new IVF ruling would only be effected from Oct whereby there can only be 2 embryos inserted if you are below age 35.. and I was still telling Uncle Pig that we should be able to do 3 instead..but the nurse juz said that they have already embraced the change.. kissing triplets bye bye..but like what my beloved friend says, I only need one, if it's in God's plans... =p

Reasons

I had wanted to do this entry a while le, but didnt have time to start penning it down. I thought it would be good to list down the reasons why I so desperately want another child; especially despite the fact that I already had Joy.

All along, I resisted adoption or even IVF coz I thought since I had joy le, it didnt seem a strong urge to require desperate measure ya? You know, maybe we really should have 顺其自然? Untill just last week, when I was at Joy's PD Clinic, I bumped into this lady who was trying to have a casual conversation with me. She asked me if I only has 1, which I nodded. Then her almost immediate reply was, once her first child was 18mths, she went back to production mode, so that her #2 can serve as companion to #1. I think the reason why I didnt wanna do adoption or IVF, was becoz I feel that if the sole reason for having a #2, is so tat he/she can b company to #1, then it didnt seem to b a good enough reason? Or am I right? Then I started to re-ponder my thoughts.. as in back to the days before i was pregnant.. and back then, my thoughts were the same... either have 2 and more, or not have any, coz a single child might be too lonely... and when we are gone next time, the child will be all alone in this world...

then it all seem legitimate.. it's not that I'm not gonna love my #2 and more..it's just that it's always been our plans to have many...

anyway, my reasons for trying IVF are as follows:

1) Joy wants a sibling
2) William wants more children
3) I love 1) & 2) so much that I'm willing to do it for them
4) Should one day when wiliam and I are not ard, Joy will not be too lonely.