Milestone unlocked

This is me during training today. Today’s my turn to conduct our collab meeting.

I thought I was better with my nerves but this morning suddenly, pang! All the nerves just slap me on my face. 

Did I crash in the training? I think I did decent enough.. in fact today was the first time I felt stomach cramps before and even after the meeting. Never happened before, but if this continues, probably going to kiss the speaker dream forever goodbye. Hahahahaha 

Angela says that nerves will never go away. I just need to acknowledge their presence and get used to it. Probably. I like this reframe. 

I thought I did well for today. Not sure if everyone felt the same? Maybe it’s I ownself praise ownself.. hahahaha.. 

关关难过，关关过。

Just grateful that today is finally over. Did the best I can for today’s training. 

I like to give trainings coz it’s fulfilling when I see people’s eye sparkle after that. And also coz it’s just a way of paying it forward. 

Maybe I shouldn’t wish that the nerves to go away. They are here coz these people matter to me. So I should maybe wish for them to be here all the time? Hahahahah.. 

Fulfilling day. Grateful. 

Going for supper with my comfort friends.. hahaha.. 

Throwback to last Monday

 The hubby booked me for lunch today, on a Monday afternoon where I’m usually the busiest. And to top it off, today is my video shoot! 

Alrdy feeling the whole of nerves over that and he has to do lunch today. 

But yes I appreciate his initiative, to still bring me out. I’m considering if I should tell him “pls no Mondays  next time.. or should I just prioritize him n make my Mondays less hectic” 

Thankful for a hubby that still dates me even though I should have book him for his bday. In a way, I’m guilty that I should have booked him for a lunch date, but I was so packed that he took matters into his hands... 没有心的老婆.. 🤣🤣🤣

What we did at the shoot. Thankful that Chengyi and Angela were there. If not I would have died.. hahahaha.. 

Not sure how it would end up like but we shall see. 

Growth is uncomfortable, so is fear, and unknown. Thankful for the cheerleaders in this journey. 

I wrote a small note in the morning. The purpose of us doing a shoot, to do up our branding etc.. it’s not coz I wanted to be an influencer, or a celebrity. But I hope thru my tiny efforts, bring those who want to know abt this career find us, to encourage women to not just settle, but believe that the sky is the limit. 

Emotional Comfort

Had a brownie and some ice cream after my afternoon zoom. 

Needed some comfort food cause Mondays are tough, especially when I have 3 physical appts and 1 zoom today.

Needed comfort coz I felt helpless in my zoom appt. It was a review with my client. He’s a hawker, and his wife is a homemaker and they have 2 primary school kids. Their mthly income isn’t a lot and isn’t stable. So there are months where they had to dip into savings. 

I’ve been nudging them to apply for BTO after their failed first attempt. Failed cause they didn’t manage to get the loan approved. And before we knew it, the property prices shot the roof and getting another BTO just seem more and more difficult. 

Moments like this I wished I could do more to help. Offer them a job, or show them to another career that will be able to pay them better. 

Hopefully by the next review things will turn around for them. 

Protecting Boundaries

Yesterday, one of my advisers SOS and asked if she could have a crash course today at 11am about a particular product. 

The usual me would have say yes immediately. After all, it must be an emergency. 

But I stopped myself. Instead, I suggested that she come for my afternoon team training so that I can go thru with her. 

I’ve taught this product several times in office before. But she didn’t attend. 

She said she couldn’t attend the afternoon session and will find her way out. 

It’s a struggle to say no. But 2026, I want to be more protective of my time and the people important to me. 

I don’t know when or how long it started but my priority list / time allocation for 2025 somehow became:

Advisers -> Clients -> Family -> William -> me

I said yes to any of my advisers who needed an emergency training, case study, or anything. My time with my kids suffered. My marriage too. And lastly, I had only scraps for myself. 

I was burnt out, felt like a rabbit chasing my own tail. My client appts suffered too, cause I hardly had much energy to think properly. Each appt goal was to end it ASAP. 

So after a session with my coach, I’ve set out healthier hrs and boundaries for each area that’s important to me. 

I’m thankful for the break now, so that I can think clearly. Thankful that I can take a pause and not feel guilty. 

To many more learning lessons ❤️

Reflections 2025

Had wanted to book a date with myself again, in a cafe and do my annual reflections, but time spaced me out. 

Nonetheless there are so many things to be grateful for in 2025.

1. My kids and I survived 2025! 🎉 looking back, we more than survived! We SLAYED!!! 

Relationships got better. I had more time with everyone, except grace. The last couple of weeks kinda reminded me that I really should spend more time with her. 

2. My marriage. Thankful that God protected and guarded over our marriage. We got lazy over the years, but I’m thankful that we managed to talk abt it and putting more effort into it now.

 

3. Work. If you ask me 2 years ago, if I would be able to lead and grow the IWM today, or to even lead with such confidence, I wouldn’t have thought possible. Ever so grateful that I stepped into this unfamiliar turf, and grew so much! Learnt so much over the last 1 year and got so fulfilled growing with them. Even if I were to drop dead today, I’m thankful for all that I’ve done. Hahaha.. morbid but ya. 

4. My work kids. The final figures aren’t out yet, but I know the few that has confirmed hitting their best year ever. Proud mama moment. 

So thankful for the opportunity to lead, inspire and touch lives. God, I’m so grateful for you, for sending angels to guard over me, when I was fearful, when I was tempted, when I was unsure. God, I pray that You continue to lead me, as I lead your sheep, so that more can come to know you. In Jesus name I pray, amen! 

Count my blessings

A huge case that I’ve been following up has flew. 

My heart shattered💔

It’s heartbreaking coz I was really depending on it to hit my TOT. My garden is barren, the few people I’m texting doesn’t seem ready. 

The irony of it all slapping at my face. Just like how I try to motivate my audience, and then here I am, feeling downcast. 

I woke up from my nap abruptly deciding to count my blessings. 

So here goes:

1. I have a healthy son who’s napping with me currently. He’s a joy, and blessing from God. 
2. I have a husband who loves me to the fullest, and he is healthy too. 
3. I have a team of advisers who dote and look up to me. 
4. I have my band of sisters who are always there to listen to my rants whenever I feel down. 
5. I have clients who love me and trust me fully.
6. I am earning way more than a lot of people I know. 
7. I’m learning new things every week and it excites me that I can have the freedom to learn such things without compromising my family lifestyle. 
8. I’ve done my best to convince some clients to top up their coverage and even though they decide not to, I’ve done my best. 
9. I still enjoy doing my work, I’m passionate with it. 
10. I’m healthy, and I have 4 beautiful kids who squabble all day long. I love them even though it can be challenging at times. But I’m thankful that they made me who I am today. 

Thankful for this reflection. It reminds me that despite of what happened, I have so much more. I’m thankful. 

I’m not going to give up just yet. But I’m also not going to let the stress chase me out of my mind. Will do my best, to reach out to my clients, provide value, and updates. And whatever happens, is all up to God. 

Just do my best and let Him do the rest. 

Thankful that I’m able to still have the support and the health to do what drives me. 

感恩🥹

Small victories!

Just wanna record a fulfilling day for me. 

Finally launched my first e-book online! Although there was quite a few hiccups here and there, I’m glad that I managed to pull it thru! Like how I spended more time than I expected in drafting the book, doing up the web link and then friends say they didn’t receive the copy. Somehow the web link had some glitches! And I couldn’t resolve it coz by then I had a team lunch with my work kids followed by our team bonding event. 

I’m happy that they enjoyed the event. Everyone who came managed to know each other a little better I guess. 

I was the only one who went on to fix a work appt in office! Kinda regret my decision.. lol.. coz I was so sweaty and smelly by the time the team building. . 

Thankfully the clients came on time and I even managed to close an unexpected case from that appt! Praise the Lord!! 

Thankful for a great Thursday! My heart is full. 

If anyone would like to download my e-book, here’s the link too: https://mailchi.mp/lenafinancemama/first-finance-book

I struggled to think if I should post this - be it on my LinkedIn or here. But this is my safe space. So here it is. 

一分耕耘 一分收获

Behind the glamour and recognition, there are so many people quietly supporting me to where I am. The hubby who took full shift of the kids just so that I could work without guilt and fear. The colleagues who cheered for me and pulled me along when I doubted myself. My cheerleaders who simply listened and cheered as I fought my way thru. 

My goal this year is TOT. Not COT. So yes I’m behind schedule. Hahaha.. I know. 

Why did I wanna do such a crazy goal?

Cause I believe actions speak louder than words. Because I feel that this is my way of showing my kids@work that everything is possible, as long as they try. 

If God is willing, I’ll do my best and trust that He will do the rest.

2 rounds done, 4 more to go! Let’s go! 🎉

A day as a finance mama

I saw my young adviser run towards the office glass door. I  was shocked. After all she had text me earlier to say she might be late. (I’m still trying to accept late comings.)

As I start my training, I still see the beads of sweat dripping from her forehead. 

Have I pushed them too hard? Did I drive fear so much that she ran in just so that she wouldn’t be late?

My CEO says today’s times are different from my era. I should learn not to be that difficult. Maybe he’s right. I should be thankful that people still bothered to come. 

Anyway I’m thankful that she has a great attitude towards training, learning and everything. I’m quite flattered by the way. 

I’m learning too. Just like flying a kite. When to let loose and when to hold tight. 

May God give me the wisdom and patience as I teach these young kids. 

Overcoming

I think I’m out of my black hole. I think the crazy appts helped even though that also creates a whole set of other problems. 

Sometimes I think I’m too hard on myself. 

Angela reminded me that I should continue journaling in this space. I wanted to. But I was also afraid that the handful friends who’s reading it might be too worried. And seriously, when I’m struggling, the last I want is another text to ask me if I’m alright. 🫣🫣🫣 Is that weird? 

I guess I just don’t wan additional attention/ limelight on me. I would pretty much prefer a silent prayer, a lunch or bunch of flowers. Hahaha.. 

And also I was pretty much fighting fire and learning new skills last year that I didn’t have time to come back. 

I’m thankful for last year. 2024 had been kind to me. Despite the hectic times, it’s fulfilling to see my advisers bloom and grow. I love this part of my work. Just enhancing and making sure that I give the best environment to them, so that they can grow. 

And I had my first appreciation lunch as a “老板”. My heart is filled with warmth and gratitude. 

Emo-ing

 The last few days have been tough, especially when the appts have died down. 

I finally manage to start packing for the trip. And it is so tough. To pack and leave the family behind for a week. 

The crazy thoughts started on Friday - that mayb I should try to skip it entirely. Thinking of 101 ways to skip it legitimately. The thoughts probably got so loud that I ended up telling to a colleague in the lift! And he wasn’t even that close to me.. 

Why don’t I wanna go? 

1. Coz I feel that I haven’t spend enough time with the kids, be it the teenager; the psle twins or even the toddler. 
2. I haven’t work enough for this mth/quarter/season. Work has been crazy hectic but not all work translate to my personal sales directly. Work now has many meanings: personal sales, coaching, training, attending mgmt meetings etc and the list goes on. I checked my last two weeks schedule and everyday was filled with meetings.
3. I felt like I made the wrong choice to go. 
4. Packing is a chore. I always seem to bring the same few sets of clothes there. I’m afraid that people recognise that I’m always wearing the same clothes.. sad truth 

Before I go on and on abt it, I stumbled onto a post abt choices and how time is finite. And because of this, we shouldn’t waste time in doing things that we doing enjoy / being stuck in situations that we felt forced to. 

I probably felt compelled to go coz I had no choices. But is that really right? I think I can really get an MC if I want to and skip the whole thing. Just that mere thought kinda change my perspective 180 degrees. 

Perhaps I should think of why I wanna go? 

1. Jiamin will be there besides fun Angela! Hahahah.. and I wanna celebrate their success with them. And mine too! 
2. It will serve as a good break for me too. 
3. It will b good if I can speak to 2 other practitioners not in my company. My client, L, told me, to start small. Don’t make myself over stimulated. She taught me some tips and it will be nice to put them into practice. 

They say the truth will set us free. I do hope that I’ll be able to sleep well tonight, esp after I’ve aligned my thoughts. 

God, pls heal me completely. The lingering cough, esp during the nights are extremely tough. I’m starting to stress that it will affect JM sleep when we reach Mexico. God, guide me, in yr ways, show me the things that I can’t see. God, give me yr super powers so that i can reach out to people! In Jesus name I pray, amen! 

Emo Weekend

Been feeling super tired but unable to fall asleep every night. It’s the season where I wanna do a lot of things but I have neither the time nor the brains to carry it all. 

A friend asked what I’m doing this weekend and my reply to her was : 2 work zooms + pre trip emo+ PSLE + trying to achieve my / team work goals. 

Not willing to give up without a fight, but which should I start my fight with first? 

不知道 which is more impt to me. I did math revision for the last 2 days with the two of them, and I remember telling William that they should be prepared that they wouldn’t be able to qualify for their “dream schools” coz of the tardiness in their work, even up to now. They aren’t prepared for the big exam, and to be honest, I don’t really care.. lol..that’s why I don’t think I should sacrifice my time for this. 3 hrs of work is definitely less tiring than 3 hrs of parenting / 陪读 / 吐血. I was so mentally drained out that I started stress eating again. I don’t remember feeling so down when Joy had her PSLE. 

So since I’ve already knew the answer, than why not just work? Esp since we are fine with the girls receiving whatever results for their PSLE. 

I guess it’s mom’s guilt, or the feeling that mayb things would be different if mama was more present with them.. coz work is always just work, and even if I don’t hit my work goals, there’s still next yr. 

不甘愿我需要在两者之间选，也不觉得就算我选择PSLE，会有什么差别。

Bit by bit, better with each attempt

I just ended my training. I’m so glad it’s over. I’m also very glad I’m coping better with each training. 

没有想太多. Just do my best. Don’t wanna let my evil subconscious beat myself up. I do enjoy giving trainings, even though I still asked myself why did I sign up for this an hr before my training. It fulfils me when I see my kids/ colleagues bloom, or whenever they see me and say they learnt something from what I taught xxx ago. This is my WHY, the reason why I’m doing this. 

Had a work appt after the training and just ended work. My tank is full and fulfilled. 

Thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for my cheerleaders. 

Intentional Coincidences

It’s hard to give thanks when there are struggles. And this few days have been a tough week for us, for William especially. My hero, my CEO, is struggling. Bcoz of his childhood oppression and lack of communication with his family. Anyway I don’t wanna talk too much into that. Coz it’s his private space. I will hold the fort for him for now, while he takes his time to rest and reconcile and recalibrate. 

God works intentionally and I know I haven’t been forgotten. Yesterday I had a good-lunch appt with my client. It wasn’t so much of work work but we shared a lot of deep honest conversations. She’s contemplating quitting and joining me as an adviser. But the risk of quitting and leaving a comfortable paycheck to a zero baseline is high. I understand and see the huge leap of faith needed. And I shared with her, that should she come on board, we will work towards what she wants, her goals. I didn’t go salesmanship coz honestly I’m stressed too! If someone joins me, and trust me, and I end up not helping her reach her goals. I told her that too. Sometimes I think I think too much.. hahaha.. I know, and I can’t help it. 

Right after we parted, I bumped into a colleague who was heading the same direction. She’s a manager and once a while, I’ve mentored her on various occasions. Was sharing with her how unsure I am, if I could be able to help others on this journey. She smiled, and shared how many times it’s my easy to understand concepts that helped her, which honestly I don’t remember. Was nice talking to her and we arranged to meet next week for me to go thru her work. 

As I jumped from one train to the next train, I saw my another director! What are the odds that I’m going to have all these conversations all the way from lunch to home!? I believe God planted them because I needed assurance, I needed someone to tell me to wake up from my idea.. that if I wanted to help others, as long as my heart is willing, God will provide whatever it’s necessary. Thank you God!

Went for a 630am morning swim. It’s a love hate relationship when it comes to swimming this early. Love becoz there isn’t much sun and not crowded at all. Hate coz it’s super cold and super dark. The first few laps is generally the hardest coz it’s pitch dark and kinda scary when I go underwater. But I like how after a few laps, the light starts to shine and slowly slowly, it becomes easier. 

It’s like my current role I guess. The last 1 yr has been a steep learning curve for me. In fact I think I’ve been in my comfortable shell for too long. The moment I decided to step into the leadership role, I felt like a young duckling pushed to sea, trying to stay afloat in the waters. There were a lot of emotions/learning, just like how the duckling does its footwork underwaters. Many a times, I get overwhelmed by how little I know, or how incompetent I am, for not knowing this and that. 

It eventually leads to many overwhelming moments where I felt like I was simply swimming in the dark, not knowing when light will arrive. The aha moment or near exasperation moment came few weeks ago, when I finally realize that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to be honest abt it. I mean I realize that it’s okie not to know everything few mths ago, but not knowing and being open abt it, is two different things stacked together. I guess the last 19yrs, I never felt that I knew so little. I had enough knowledge to carry on my work. But when my work extends to cover diff areas, I was shameful that I lacked the know-how to help my advisers. It felt humbling when the lack of knowledge/ competency just bounced back on my face. 

To be able to reflect on this now, I’m thankful that I’ve grown to recognise that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to learn to trust yr team mates and empower them to lead. It’s okie to be honest abt my flaws and my lack. 

Am looking forward to see what’s next, what’s coming. Thankful for the opportunity to learn and to grow, to master and to nurture. 

A day of randomness

Thought I come back to this since I had the afternoon free. Actually I had the whole day free coz my lunch appt got postponed and my next appt is 8pm. 

Thought I could sew the entire afternoon coz the sun was bright etc. but just a few stitches in, I took out my glasses and continued another few more, and called it a day. 

Patience my dear.. let’s just wait for my reading glasses to be here. Aging is a nuisance, and I’m starting to see things in William POV.. hahaha.. 

Not going to do anything constructive today.. hahaha.. just looking at the scenery right out of my balcony, it’s and blogging and soaking in the fresh air and hot sun. 

3 things to be thankful for:

1. I had a slow breakfast with the two men and drove Joash to school without any accident. 

2. I watched a lot of nonsense videos today.. hahaha.. just not doing anything important today. It’s a rare indulgence.. haha

3. I had a fruitful evening zoom appt. Suggested getting life/term plans for my clients’ kids but they wasn’t interested. It just reinforced what JM said to me when I was guilt tripping myself: “Insurance will never be enough when something happens, but will be too much when nothing happens.” 

I’m glad that I’ve said what I think is impt; I’ve done my part and if they don’t wan, it’s completely fine! I’m just irritated when things happen and then I start blaming myself “why didn’t I recommend this etc”

Financial adviser is a tough job for people who think too much (me).. hahahaha.. 

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My cheerleaders

The company posted me and my achievements 1 day after my bday, which isn’t something uncommon. What was surprising was when I saw this:

One of my sister/therapist/girlfriend reposted this on her IG! 

I felt a rojak of emotions la.. as usual.. hahaha.. and I text her to say Thanks! Her reply was even more amazing. She said that both she and her hubby are so proud of me… she is so kind. 

It was a simple gesture but it made me v 感动。If someone who isn’t even related to me or in this industry can do this, certainly the hermit/low self esteem me can do better in promoting myself right !? And so I reposted this today. 

I also listed down the reasons why I wanted to be a leader again and most importantly, I decided that since I wanna be a leader I shouldn’t hide behind anymore. If my objective is to want to help advisers, then I should find them. I should put my focus in training, in recruitment, in fishing. I shouldn’t hide behind my personal sales appts. 

Such lofty aspiration. 

Talk is cheap. 

I saw the photos that some of my fellow peers posted on a gala dinner tonight, and wondered if the statement I said 5mins ago hold any truth. 

How is it that my immediate thoughts was “Heng I didn’t go.” lol… hahahahaha.. instead of “wow, I manage to mingle and talk to xxx…” 

Is this really the right job for me? 

Change is uncomfortable. 

I wished I stepped into this when I was much younger, when my skin was thicker.. Hahaah.. now many things also think 2000 permutations before I consider again. 

I wished I can c the transformed lena or have a glimpse of it now, so that I know the uncomfortable change is worth the mile. 

I wished I could be the convincing leader that stands in front and delivers a charismatic speech. 

Like what Joleen says, “There is only 1 LKY. I need to find my style and personality.” 

But what if I can’t find it? What if I was never meant to be a leader? 

Will I look at this msg in time to come, and smile? Or will I be chasing my tail endlessly?

New Findings

 I always believe that the truth will set one free. 

And today, while doing the dishes at 5am, (I didn’t need to but I just wanted to help William in the little things), I had another aha moment. 

I really don’t enjoy doing chores, not even the dishes. And I’m grateful that I get to choose to do something enjoyable like my work, every single day. I get to, it’s my choice. My freedom and at least I’m enjoying my work, not like some friends whom I know where work is stressful and no purpose and is stuck. 

The moment where I get to “escape” to work, is liberating. 

I get to empower people with financial knowledge. 

I get to empower my advisers with knowledge so that they are more confident facing their clients. 

I get to see their metamorphosis. Some faster than others. 

I get to hug my kids in the morning, and spend time with each of them. 

I get to travel overseas with my colleagues and family, mostly funded by company. People who know me, know how much I dread going on such trips. But it’s a privilege.

I get hugs from the little boy who can kiss and kiss me in the mornings for as long as I wanted, and as many times as I requested. Yes, the struggles of having a toddler is exhausting, but there are perks alongside with it. 

The word “get” changes one’s mindset. It shifts from being forced to do, to having a choice to do. Instead of saying “I have to work to pay bills”, say “I get to work bcoz it’s the only few things in life I enjoy doing, besides eating and cross-stitching”

“I get to hold meeting groups bcoz there are people who needs help”

Shall try to go back to zzz. It’s 6am now. Oh well.

Received this pot of flowers this morning during our company meeting. A colleague gave this to me for my birthday, together with a bday card that she hand-made.

I was so touched by what she wrote. It is a good reminder/affirmation. I’m thankful for this reminder. Coz just last week, I felt defeated and deflated, and wondered if what I was doing was changing things. 

And then when I read the book last week abt “get” vs “have to”, it changed my mind. 

And this morning, the gift was another affirmation.

Might seem trivial to some, but it means a lot to this emo kid (me). 

应该还是有做对一点点吧，所以才会得到这份温暖的阳光☀️

In fact, my emo “younger twin” dated me next week for a floral arrangement class! 

These are my babies whom we have grown so much closer in the last 11 mths.. and these are babies whom I’m waiting for one day, to 超越我。And when that happens, my job is complete. 

Thankful for the opportunity to guide them, to be their “mother” and to lead them. The best is yet to be.