Anxiety attacks

The fact that I can write abt this means that I’ve walked out of the deep hole I was in, just 10+ days ago. 

I’ve been exercising quite actively, at least 4-5 times a week. I like how it keeps me refreshed for work, how I don’t need to go back for a little snooze if I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning. 

Went for a swim today coz my body was still aching from the last 2 days of gym. I like swimming coz it allows me to think through my thoughts; have a conversation with God, and wouldn’t be distracted by other things. 

Anyway, fell into a deep dark hole just recently. Suddenly had an anxiety attack and started to doubt if I was competent enough to do the tasks ahead. What if God didn’t wan me to do what I was doing? What if God made a mistake? Or what if I had heard Him wrongly? Maybe He wanted me to just focus more time on advisory or kids rearing? Or what if everyone thought that “Lena Soon” will xxxxx, but turn out it’s just fluke? And suddenly, all the anxieties and fears weigh so heavily on my shoulders that I felt trapped. Fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations; fear of not having the wisdom of motivating/ encouraging my babies to their fullest potential; fear of disappointing those who place their “bets” on me. What if I had done my possible best and it still wasn’t enough? 

I don’t have the perfect solution to all my anxieties. Journaling and preparing for the trainings help, so does writing to God and praying to Him. Just last Saturday, our church pastor was sharing on the book of James and he talked abt my fav verse. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This too shall pass God. I hope when I come back to read this, I’ll be mature and complete and not lacking anything. 

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Thankfulness

6 days since we shifted. I’m thankful that most things have been sorted out. Too much clutter from all of us. 

Note to self: Don’t buy unnecessarily. It occupies space and cost $$. And $$ takes time away from the kids. Spend less and I don’t need to work as hard (if I don’t wan to) or spend time with them in doing activities (so there will b beautiful memories created instead of physical clutter).

Thankful for William who manages the whole reno + shifting + clearing the old house. Wouldn’t have been possible without him. He’s the reason why I can work with a peace of mind.

Dining table arrived yesterday! Yeah!

Thankful that God is in control of everything. I never thought it would be possible to have it all - work that I enjoy, kids + a wonderful relationship with my soulmate. Never thought we could afford this beautiful house. Thank you God!

Today’s also Joy birthday. The day we got promoted as parents 16yrs ago. The feeling is never quite the same being parents for the first time vs being parents the nth time. Whenever people ask me which is more challenging, I always say it’s always the first time that’s most challenging, even though I am blessed with an easy child.

The reason is simple. During my time, parenting tips weren’t so readily available. And a lot of things we kinda learn on the job or tried 101 pattern before we finally got it right. There were also a lot of failed experiences - like mixing meds into her milk feeds and causing a milk strike thereafter; or forgetting to wipe/clean her hands before giving her snacks and thus resulting in her getting her first and only HFMD experience.

But in the midst of it all, I am ever so grateful of all the beautiful memories created, alongside with my co-pilot. We cry together, had our differences, and showered ❤️ with each other. 

Thank you God for blessing me with it all. 

She has grown to be a fine lady, ever so independent and reliable.

The big move

My life in boxes. Hahahah.. suddenly the current place seems so huge when all the furniture are slowly sold away. I went to check how frequent we actually shift coz friends keep commenting that we make moving seems like a walk in a park.. lol 

Dec 2016 - HDB to Jewel 

Dec 2019 - Jewel to Minton (thankfully we did this coz 2020 was the start of Covid and the many HBL and WFH. Would have killed so many people if we had continued staying in that tiny place)

Aug 2021 - Minton to Blossoms (coz we expanded in size, and desperately needed more space)

Aug 2023 - Blossoms to our own place 

4 places in 7yrs. Hahahaha.. I actually thought we would stay at Minton for a long time, but if not bcoz our family expanded, and it was no longer viable to stay there. 

Looking forward to our place. I think the kids are excited that they no longer need to climb up the small hill every time they come home on their own. William is happy that we finally have proper cupboards for storage, instead of using ikea boxes or containers etc. I’m happy as long as my family is happy. I do hope that we can stay there for a longer while, coz even though I’m not largely involved in the moving, 我是心疼我们家的 CEO. He make it possible every single time. No matter how overwhelming it gets, or how tiring the packing + unpacking seems. And he makes sure I’m still able to work. His philosophy is this : if I stop work, there will not be food on the table and nothing else matters. So I just need to do what I know best and he will do the rest. Such is our house views. Such support I have at home. I’m blessed. And I’m ever so thankful, for being able to concentrate solely on the things I am good at, instead of struggling to do things in my weak spots. 

Saying goodbye

Gotten say goodbye to this shirt after today. It has followed me for more than 12yrs but I’m not going to bring it over to the new house. I can’t rem when I first got it, but I rem I wore it to a friend’s baby party years ago, when I was doing my IVF. I look so bloated back then, bcoz of the hormone injections. 所以一直不舍得把它丢掉。

It represents a season of my life when I felt that I was at the bottomless pit, where God wasn’t around and no one could understand what I was going thru. But I’ve since walked out of that season. 

I don’t have much sentimental things bcoz I don’t like clutter. But I find it hard to say goodbye to this shirt .. hahaha.. coz it reminds me of how hard times were back then. 

Writing it down so that I can refer to this whenever I miss it. Hahaha