Even when she’s still grieving, she doesn’t show it at all. 

She continues to show up to be the 大姐for her siblings, to help jaga Joash while William is out for his gathering. I know she’s crying inside and her way is to bury it so that we wouldn’t worry about her. I wished she wouldn’t hide it.

God, thank you for sending joy to us. I pray that you lead us in this journey as she seeks you, that we remember of your faithfulness everyday, every part of this journey. I pray that when one door closes, you will open the right doors for her. God I bring that You bring hope to her, that she be reminded that in everything You are in control. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

A day in the life of Mrsqueenchoo

Had a sweet surprise this morning when I pulled out some of the pre preg clothes. I can finally fit into some of them! Yeah!! Not all but some.

I’m still not there yet but I’m happy at my current size. Taking a one mth break from my cupping and clean eating coz I just wanna indulge in myself for this mth.. hahah..

Work has been slow for the last few weeks. And not going to deny that it does give me some fears. But at the same time, I’m enjoying my current pace of life. Slow, a lot of family ; a lot of couple time and exercises. I swim 4x a week and on every Wednesday, uncle pig and I will go for our long walks at MacRitchie, followed by our paktor lunch. So a typical day would b breakfast w the kids / William, followed by a swim. A work zoom probably during lunch time before we pick up the kids, lunch then they do some homework while I do another afternoon zoom before we head to the pool again at 4pm. Pick the baby at 5ish and we have our family dinner before I end the day with a 8pm zoom. 

Goofing around while I prepare for my afternoon zoom..

Decided to bring the baby along yday for the twins TKD class bcoz the house was in a mess.. hahah.. it did wreak his routine a little.. haha 

Life has been peaceful I guess. Am I worried that eventually the little zooms would turn to nothing. Yes this too. But I know most of the time, I feel at peace. Peace and grateful that I didn’t get crazy expenses such that I’ll be crying now; grateful that this season is for me to see my kids grow and be involved in their lives. 

A friend asked recently how I can just go travel w/0 bringing them along. My thoughts are this : “I rather be 100% with them half of the time, then be 50% present all the time.” There’s no right or wrong whichever way. The current me know that I need to take good care of myself before I have the energy and mental to love and care for my kids and family. And thus I need the occasional break/nap/trip away. That’s it. 

Currently trying to plan a getaway for 6, plus another trip for 3 of us.. it’s a lot easier to plan for the latter trip. Hahahah.. but we shall see.. 

Thought I do a quick update abt me and the family. Have wanted to blog a couple of times but each time I got distracted; either bcoz I spend that window catching up on social media; or playing my wordle or sudoku.. hahaha..I know I’m boring.. haha 

It’s the start of the mar hols and February just flew past, just like that. Baby J is nursing a cough and flu so William and I are skipping church this weekend. 

We are still Covid negative - Thank God. I think it has reached the point whereby if it happens, it happens. 

The last 2 mths have been quite hectic for me. Work wise, I’ve been trying to catch up with most of the clients; esp those that I didn’t manage to last year. Going to take a break from work for now bcoz William will be doing an op next week, so I will b stepping in as the chauffeur; maid; nurse etc. Work, if any, will be during the small window timings when I don’t need to pick kids or attend to them. I’m trying not to think too much abt the op etc; coz worrying doesn’t help anyway. 

William is going for an eye op next week bcoz during a recent eye review, the doctor found some growth in both eyes. So we gotten to remove it ; an eye at a time. (The next op probably would b in jun) It’s a minor operation (according to the doctor); but bcoz of his own pre existing conditions, there will always be an increased level of risk.

I’ve also been swimming a lot these 2 mths; at least 3-4 times a week. Yeah! I’ve gotten a swimsuit tan becoz of this. But it’s fine, it keeps the weight away and more importantly keep my mind away from negativity. We have also started walking. More like William has been bringing me along for his walk to MaRichite. I love the fresh air; the greenery; though I doubt the calories I burn beats swimming.

That day when I thought it was just a routine walk to MaRichite but the uncle brought me to Gardens by the Bay. I felt so paiseh in my sports attire! Hahahaa.. plan to grow old remains…愿你陪我同在.

Joash is 10.98kg as of today. He has managed to sleep thru consistently for the last few weeks; all thanks to William’s sleep training. The thing is just a few weeks ago, his sleep was rubbish + William upcoming op, so he finally agreed to engaging a sleep therapist. The day I paid for her services, our little friend started to demo that he can actually sleep very well!! And by the time when we finally had our arranged consultation, it didn’t felt necessary. I should have just waited. Lol.. oh well.. nonetheless, I’m thankful that he is sleeping well. 

Ending the post with a photo from the past.. baby looking no more but forever my babies!

Happy weekend !

Random things

Me: “Uncle, if Joash and I drop into the big sea, who will you rescue first?”

- me looking intently into his eyes wondering how he would answer.. hahaha

Him: “Seriously, if that happens, I think u need to rescue me also.” 

(Cause I’m the better swimmer) 

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

#wifesetttrap #smartreply #甜言蜜语

Sleepless nights

Haven’t slept much yday night and I thought I would b so super concussed that I would have a good night rest tonight. But as it turns out, I’m still wide awake. Going to cut down my caffeine from now on. Not sure if it’s because I drank too much coffee, or bcoz the teenager has flew, or it’s just uncle pig’s health that is bothering me. 

He’s going for his MRI coming Friday. The ENT specialist just wanna make sure that there isn’t any tumour in his ear causing the imbalance. Going to also do the brain to rule out early signs of stroke etc. Times like this are a reminder to us that health is the biggest asset in life. Being healthy is the best gift we can give to our family besides TIME. Praying that God protect this man from any serious illness and to grant wisdom to the doctors so that we be able to have the correct diagnosis soon! 

The teenager is on the plane with my mama. She begged/convinced/persuaded and charmed her into going Paris with her. It’s their first trip together without me. I hope they don’t end up killing each other. May they enjoy this bonding session and I also asked them to come home in one piece. There isn’t a need to get anything for anyone. Just enjoy the trip, eat lotsa good food and take lotsa pictures. 

I really should go back to zzz. Going to bring the twins for their Saturday class tomorrow and gotten need to wake up early for that. 

Going to cut down to 3 pumps from Monday onwards. It’s a bittersweet moment. I know I sound like a patient with dementia or Dory forgetting where his lines are; but pls be patient with me as I finish this last phrase. I know I will get over it and in time to come, laugh at the me now. I just need time to get over it. Yes I know and yes pls God help me.

Thankful for all the blessings He has provided for me and my family. God is in control. I must remember that. 

Happy 5th mths!

 

Happy 5 mths old my dear Joash ! I love your smile! 

At 5mths old, you have started to sleep for longer hours and on good days, you can zzz from 8pm-7am. I pray that we will see more of such good days happening. You love to show us yr newfound flipping skills and would keep flipping once we put u on yr playmat. 

Your all time favourite teether is still this Mushie ball despite mama having bought so many other cute ones to try. 

You are drinking on average abt 150ml per feed though there are some feeds where u like to drink in installments. You love going to yr infant care, for which I’m so thankful for. Coz your teachers say you drink and nap v well in school. Could we also get to see those skills when u r home too? 

Being the youngest in the family has its perks too. My mama has allowed me to sleep on her bed whenever I want to; watch TV with my sisters (even when I’m feeding) as well as being loved and doted by my 3 wonderful sisters. 

I love you my dear son and I pray that you will always be reminded of our love to you. I pray that we will have the patience and energy to guide you thru every step of ur learning journey and that you will grow up to be a man for God ! 

You are a gift from God and we pray that you will grow up to be a healthy and useful man for God. 

Flip prata

As expected, I started to flip prata again and wondered if extending my pump sessions was the right thing to do. Today was the first day when J had to drink FM during the day time. It’s not a big thing la, I know FM is equally nutritious. Just that it was an “argh” moment when the IFC called and ask if we had accidentally forgotten to bring a bottle lesser than usual. Hubs then told the sch to do FM when it wasn’t enough. 

I don’t know if I made the right choice or not bcoz I sound like a broken record. It’s tormenting me. And I was just telling J that I don’t know what I should do. To continue extending and eventually close the milk factory or just to go back to excessive pumps. 

And I tell u..she always gives the best advice and without judgement too. She says instead of doing the Chart, I should really focus on WHY I WANNA BF? Coz if I can find the WHY, I will be able to find the way to do it. Simple words, with wisdom. My 军事 for everything.. hahaha .. here goes : 

1) feeling of bonding / latching 

- I really enjoyed the times when I latched Grace. I can’t explain what it is, and why bottle feeding is different, but it is. Don’t get me wrong, we can still be very attached to our kids with bottle feeding. 

This time round, Joash didn’t latch as well. Especially now that he’s in ifc, the chances that he will latch is only the occasional motn and even that would always end up with both of us half asleep.. hahahah

2) “FAIR”

- I did it for the girls and I thought it would only b fair if I did it for Joash as well. 

3) BM nutrients are better ?

- it’s a ? bcoz Vera who drinks the least BM also happens to have the least number of doctor visits. Grace on the other hand, frequents kkh and the PD a lot more compared to her sisters.

4) Weight lost?

- again this doesn’t apply to my case. I didn’t lost much weight, be it for the twins or this time round. Any weight lost during Joy’s time came back with a vengeance once I stopped breastfeeding. So honestly, if weight lost is a keen thing, I should stop breastfeeding (so I wouldn’t emotional eat) and go for my cupping sessions. 

这样看起来, my why isn’t v strong leh.. hahahah.. chey.. why did I even wanna bf ? Lol.. and guilt trap myself .. hahahaha

Will just let J latch for the rest of this journey, but if he doesn’t wan I wouldn’t force. And I’ll just continue my extension la.. hahaha.. 

Closing the milk factory

 

I did this yes/no table while waiting for my zoom appt to start. I’ve said it a couple of times that I wanna stop breastfeeding soon and going to extend my pumping hours. As of last mth, I was still pumping every 3hrly and at least 8-10 times a day either latching or pumping.. it’s exhausting and crazy. So I started to stretch to 4hrly but once I do that, the volume drops. Which I am not surprised bcoz storage cup small ma.. then I’ll be like okie go back and forth, then the lack of 😴

So being a mathematical person, I wanted to list down all the reasons for and against. And clearly, the reasons to stop are more justified. I just need to do it NOW and not let the guilt eat me alive. 

And coincidentally the zoom appt I had yday.. my client also said the same .. to stop and not b guilty. Bcoz only with rest,  can we go a long way with our children. 

Praying that I dont like the stupid guilt overwhelm me. If I stop breastfeeding, I’ll be able to do many fun things .. like traveling next yr ; go adventure cove with the girls in Nov when we go for our staycation; more time to focus on my work or even sleep for extended hrs at night… 

Yes let’s just do it !

Just as I thought he has stopped latching.. this is really what I enjoy abt breastfeeding… 

Quick update

It’s been 3 full mths since my last entry. Been wanting to blog and update on my little happenings but I had neither the time nor the energy to do it. Even during the middle of the night pumps, I only had space to scroll thru online shopping to keep myself awake.. lol.. and yes there were a few impulse buys becoz of this.. hahaha

So right now I’m pumping in the nursery room at forum while waiting for the twins to finish their abacus class. It’s my 1hr break away from any of the kids but still stuck to my pump. I’m early for my pump but if I do it at home , it would b stealing time away from the baby or the girls. So it’s better that I do it now.

We have since shifted to our new place for 2 weeks ! Yeah! So glad that everything is finally coming together. On our first night there, I cried coz we got this place in a rush and there were so many little defects of the house that we had missed before signing the contract. And it’s hard to wrestle / demand changes after signing it.. that’s the hard fact of being a tenant in a landlord’s market. It’s really crazy. Coz some of the units we shortlisted were snapped up even before we could view. And we wouldn’t have been able to get this if not bcoz the first tenant who “booked” this place couldn’t start the lease earlier. I was also feeling emo emo that the twins had to give up their play kakis at minton becoz of the shift, but it’s really just my emo thinking la.. checked with them a couple of times before and after we shifted and all 3 girls were really happy tat they finally gotten a room of their own. So I guess it’s a YEAH! 

So many things to be thankful for, like how we manage to pack everything and shift; how uncle pig managed to unpack everything by that weekend itself .. if packing was headache, wait til u see the unpacking. I felt sorry for putting him thru this, and I told him that if we ever were to shift again, it would b for good. Not gonna rent anymore if it’s not this place. Even though financially, and the math / science behind it makes more sense to rent, but I think it’s the non quantitative things that I should factor into as well. Of coz if we can continue to stay here , good. If not then we will buy our next place. That’s my thoughts for now. 

Work wise, I’ve started to go back to work. But it’s so tough. This time round it’s so much tougher to go back to work. In the past, it’s so nice to just leave the house and go to work and come back feeling full of energy to jaga the babies. But now bcoz everyone is wfh, work and being a mama is clearly not separated. I can’t b in the room doing admin and not rush out to rescue a crying baby. Or I can’t continue my things and not try to catch up on the girls little happenings in their lives. I can’t. And it’s exhausting to juggle the many things. I’m just praying that God will give me the wisdom and energy to do what’s on my plate. After all, He will never give me too big a task if He knows I’m not up to it. 

Joash is growing well. At the last weighing, he has crossed 7kg even before 3mths. An incredible feat. Waiting for him to sleep thru. He did it for the first 3 nights at the new place, then he went back waking up every 3-4hrly… lol… patience is a rare commodity and I pray God gives me that to weather thru the night feeds and pumps. 

Are you a shot glass or a tumbler?

Saw this one during one of the late night pumps coz I was curious to know if I had Low supply or is it simply bcoz my breast capacity was limited. Turns out that supply and storage are 2 things altogether. 

Generally, the storage capacity is limited by the number of nodules one have and it can vary from as little as 3 to as many as 15! So that’s the reason why some people like me can only pump 1 oz while there are mummies who can pump 10oz at one shot! The idea is to “activate” all yr nodules at the initial weeks thru active breastfeeding/ pumping etc. Of coz if one naturally has lesser nodules to start with, then it would also be one of the limitations as well. Can refer to Here for more details . But the solution for shot glass people like me, is to either pump or latch more frequently or supplement la.. today, I’m not emo. And I’m chilled about it. (I can’t say for all days, just today). 

I cried the moment I saw this right picture. It’s assuring and comforting to know that it aren’t my fault entirely but at the same time self blaming to know that I probably will never be able to exclusively feed J. I didn’t realize the last time my supply was affected bcoz of PCOS coz eventually I still manage to feed grace quite well.. although it was probably after 3 mths or so.. the initial weeks were still supplemented with FM.. I rem confiding to my gfs that my yield (then) was so little that it wasn’t even enough for 1 singleton! But I just didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further. 

This time round, the yield is even lower.. and to b honest, on some days, it could hurt me so much (all the pressure/judgement/mom’s guilt I put on myself ), esp when I share with some friends and their replies are “Have you tried xxxx ?” 

I wanna tell them “Yes I have. And it didn’t work. Pls stop offering solutions. I just need a hug or a listening ear, not solutions.” The things I’ve tried :

- fenugreek 

- lactation cookies (yummy!)

- power pump 

- pumping 3 hrly and latching in between sessions 

- papaya fish soup

- eating lotsa fish or salmon 

- drinking more than 4 litres of fluids each day

- tong cao 

- rest 

- sunflower lentil (to prevent clogged ducts)

- domperidone

So you see, I’ve been a hardworking student. But no matter how hard I try, the most I’ve reached is 50ml and that’s when I do power pump which takes up an hr. I can’t possibly make all my pump sessions into an hr bcoz it’s too tiring and my life doesn’t revolve just next to a pump. I have other kids that I should give love and attention to. I would like to be able to play uno with the twins or discuss politics with Joy or simply just having a cup of coffee with my uncle choo.. 

And these few nights all the research just kinda explain it all. Women with PCOS generally have lesser glandular tissue so the number of nodules I have would b lesser. And even if all is activated (bcoz I’m a hardworking student right), the most I’ll get is marginal higher. I’m a shot glass which explains why my boobs will feel full every 2 hrly, but even when I pump, it will just be 30ml or lesser.. We came back from shopping and I overstretched my pump to 4hrs and the yield is the same.. faints. I thought I would b immune by now..

Oh well .. Anyway this post is to remind myself that I will just deliver whatever I produce possibly and that’s it. If the final drop end, then he will b on 100% FM, so be it.

I need to be nicer to myself. I know. I’m blessed even though I can’t be a cow. 

““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ; believe also in me.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jhn.14.1.niv

An old friend’s visit

Have been trying all ways to boost my supply coz honestly it didn’t go up after I was discharged from the hospital .. haiz.. meaning I’m still pumping roughly the same amt on day 5 as compared to now - day 17. I’ve tried power pumping , making sure I drink at least 4l of fluids everyday, taking my fenugreek supplements, and even had 3 rounds of lactation cookies. Other than the cookies which helped perk my moods up, sadly none of the  recommended methods did little to rise supply up. 

Frustrated yes, but this also made me lean closer to God.. been praying and seeking God’s direction on this. If it’s meant to continue then pls increase my supply .. if it’s not meant to b, then cut even the little amt that I have. 

And I was reminded like a knock in my head.. a visit by an old friend - 

Sigh .. PCOS.. that probably explains why the yield is so little this time round. I rem during the twins time I also battled with Low supply but I just thought it was the lack of sleep that resulted in it.. and didnt think too much into it. 

But this time round I had more sleep, was more hardworking but still the results were meh.. 

William says that if I’m tired, we can always just dived into FM all the way but I aren’t ready to give up .. praying strengthens me.. and while doing any power pump at 4am, I stumbled into this :

https://www.llli.org/breastfeeding-with-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

The author also has PCOS and even though she will never be able to provide exclusively for her child, she takes delight in the little achievements in life .. the fact that the baby is satisfied with nursing followed by the occasional bottle, or nursing to sleep etc .. it is a gentle reminder to me too.. that I shan’t be so obsessed/ stressed/ disappointed by what I can’t do. Instead I should take delight that baby J is still able to nurse, that I does his 3pm feeding and the occasional night closing plus desserts. 

Thankful for this article at 4am.. finishing my power pump soon.. 

Growth spurt

Just as I thought I’m going to be stuck with my pump forever, J had his first growth spurt on Thursday. He just kept drinking and drinking and refused to zzz... such that william and joy had to take turns to make him to zzz but he wasn’t sleeping well. 

So I took out my boobs and let him latch. Coz it’s easier to overfeed a baby with a bottle, then with my boobs la.. lol.. 

So in between his feeds, I was his dessert.. hahaha 

It felt good to be able to latch him and not b stress over it. It was still enjoyable during the afternoon but by his last feed (10pm), we gave him the bottle and all 3 of us fell asleep! William and I were afraid that he would wake up an hr later so better zzz while we could.. hahaha.. been so long since I zz at 10pm but it felt good !

This was taken by grace just a few days ago. I’m feeling better now, the blues seem to be gone for now, for which I’m thankful. 

Maybe it’s bcoz I had more sleep, or bcoz I had work as a distraction, or simply bcoz I’ve 看开 over the breastfeeding demands, I’m okie (for now). Life isn’t just abt how long u pump , or how much the baby drink etc ..hahaha.. mental health for the mama is also v impt too.

 

This chek chek takes so many selfie with the little man with my hp.. lol.. she calls him “the big boss”.. hahah

Thankful that they are hanging around well..

 This morning started well, with me sleeping til 8plus.. I could hear the girls awake and Joy offered to make pancakes for them for breakfast. Thus allowing me to sleep in a bit more. 

I had breakfast with the girls while the men were out for their morning walk. 

It’s heartening to know that the girls were enthusiastic in helping out.. I seriously did not see this coming and I’m so thankful for the little kind gestures. 

Vera fed J at 10am  while papa showered him. Joy carried him thereafter coz he didn’t seem satisfied after his feed.. lol... she was super proud that she managed to make him zzz! 

J & J 

My heart is full with gratitude when I see this.. mayb my initial fears were unfounded. But right now, I’m thankful for everything that has happened.. 

She even told me that it’s a lot easier caring for this little man than the twins.. lol.. to which I agree ..

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/psa.107.1.niv

Thankful

Following my emo post yday, with a heavy heart, I finally decided to just do pumping. The first 24 hrs went by very well, with me having good sleep in beteeen pumps. In fact , I seem to have more time and energy during the day as well, even manage to do a bit of work today.. lol.. 

I did also latch J twice today.. though it couldn’t be considered as serious.. it’s just before his scheduled feeding time but he was alrdy fussy liaoz.. still pain but becoz no expectations / stress, so I was happy.. 

The other two girls came back today.. Vera was super excited to see baby J..and Grace was more than happy to brief Vera on the Do’s and Don’ts when it comes to caring for the little man. 

The little Mei Mei isn’t that little anymore.. 

Joy on the other hand was just more than happy to update us on her life during these 10 days break.. and I don’t know what came to me, but I asked her anyway.. if she would like to try to carry the little man, and her reply was “sure!” .. honestly I was pretty surprised , but thankful that I asked. She carried him for a while, and baby J tried to latch her.. hhahaha .. so funny .. I hope this is a good start but I guess we will see in the days to come. 

Gotten be an exciting week coz the whole kampung is back..by dinner time, I was exhausted from all the noises.. and thankfully that I’ve switched to pumping .. I can’t imagine if I still had to latch etc .. lol.. 

Thankful for these beautiful moments .. thankful for a bunch of girlfriends who are always around to listen to my emos.. tomorrow is a fresh day and God is with us in this household !

Exciting times

255am - wide awake. Been awake since 1am after feeding Joash. He’s coming in again at 4am and I really should have zzzz in between the feeds but somehow tonight it’s so tough to fall asleep. 

Probably because we are going home in a few hrs. It’s like these few days have been nice, some sort of like a vacation where there’s only the 2 of us plus the 3hrly baby.. hahaha .. but after we head home, we wil have all the different duties / hats that we wear.. I’m back to being a mama for 4 kids while not only is he the papa of our household, he’s also the “marketing manager”, my “CL”, the chauffeur for everyone, the problem solver for all big and small things. 

The hospital prepared a special celebratory menu to commemorate our “graduation”.

Cocktails came at 4pm.. wow, it’s even fancier than the afternoon tea we had during our staycation at Intercontinental recently. 

Dinner came at 6pm 

Trying to take a cheeky selfie.. hahaha.. 

It’s also over dinner that I could sense his nervousness. And I asked him if he was more stressed this time round or the last round when we had a toddler, and a pair of newborns with no help. He was my CL then and many more. His reply caught me by surprise. He said it was definitely this time round. Despite the fact that we had a helper and our girls are older, simply becoz we are older, and the emotional needs of our girls cannot be neglected. Back then it was just me and joy emotion needs but now we have 4 女人 plus his mama who has been quite challenging also..back then, we were younger and simply bulldozed thru the challenge.

For the first time, I could see fear in my man’s eyes. I’m glad he was honest with me. And honestly, there isn’t anyone who I would go down this route with other than him. Told him that if really needed, we could order last min confinement tingkat, or I could just eat the normal food. There isn’t any hard and fast rules n we just need to be each other’s pillar of support. 

A heart of thankfulness

 心情: 晴天 ☀️

After 2 nights of good sleep, I woke up chirpy and eager to start the day. Not sure if my stance will remain the same when HBL starts... but for now, I’m glad the Govt came up with this measure in view of the many unlinked cases / clusters sprouting everywhere. 

The twins parent grp chat was buzzing with questions on how the exams would be settled coz by right they should have exams till Thursday. Poor Teachers, getting bombarded by them. To me, it didn’t really matter since it’s not even a national exam. And secondly, I told the girls that studying is for knowledge. So even if the exams are scrapped this time round, the knowledge/revision that we went thru is good to keep! 

Did some work this morning.. trying to enjoy the last 10 days of “baking”. William ask if I wanna go for my ctg today, I told him I didn’t feel like. I’m monitoring the kicks and that’s assuring enough. Too troublesome to crawl to Gleneagles and b there for 1hr plus then braved the jam/parking and crawl home.. 

Joy made this yday when I passed a remark saying that I’m craving for the brownies she made last week. Without hesitation, she baked a batch yesterday afternoon. I’m blessed. I see and acknowledged her subtle love ❤️ . I see a gradual change in her attitude towards baby J and I’m thankful for that. In fact, she has been holding the fort at home when we were in hospital, briefing the helper on what to cook and making sure that her sisters are well fed plus managing any fights etc. 

My heart is full with gratitude. And I just wanna enjoy this moment of bliss.. 

As for when the arrival of baby J etc, I’ve prayed over it and surrendered to God. He will help me settle it la.. haha.. if it really results in an emergency c sec, so be it. If we could wait til the stipulated date, good. But whatever it is, God is in control. He will know when’s the best timing. Baby J is God’s gift for us and I have to remember that. Don’t let the enemy throw doubts / fears. Just enjoy this moment of being pregnant, of not doing anything. Be present bcoz now is the moment. Now is the time to enjoy.. 

Made of water (part 2)

I cried big time at the clinic just now. Never happened before, not even when my eggs were under developing.. it’s the hormones. It’s probably the trauma I witnessed last night. 

Gynae repeated his stand, for the best of the baby, we should aim for at least week38 or the original scheduled c sec date. If I want, he could let me do 24/5 or 25/5, instead of 27/5, but it didn’t make a lot of difference (in my opinion). 

He wants to do another CTG tomorrow (Sunday) and if all’s good, then it’s still the week of 24th onwards. I’ve never felt so despaired and probably the lack of proper sleep made me more frustrated as well. 

He says he understands my concerns, and thus if I wanted, I could come down everyday to do a CTG. Else otherwise, I can start doing my homework by counting the fetal movement.. 

I was so tired after that I couldn’t think. We went for lunch before heading home. My tears continued in the car. Actually I also not sure why it just kept on flowing. I felt bad that I couldn’t stop crying. 

My tutu fringe cut by uncle choo..it didn’t really matter that it was so short coz no ones going to see it anyway..lol

I spend some time with the girls, took a shower and had a nap. Not going to lie that I’m struggling. But I’m taking refuge in this for now. God is with me and He is in control! 

P/s: a voice in my mind asked me to google and I saw this.. actually jm send me this last week but I wasn’t convinced entirely. But today, I went to research it and yes , this probably explains why my gynae stand.. 

And joy just received info that her sch will commence HBL from coming Friday onwards. Which also means if we were to do our c sec on 24/5, the logistics would b fine. Bcoz she would b home to hold the fort anyways. Letting all the news settle down and discuss with uncle later..

My 2D1N staycation

Waiting for uncle to arrive with my toothbrush and ya kun breakfast, and settle the discharge paperwork. It’s been a long night. 

14/5

Grace woke up with diarrhoea, the stomach flu virus probably moved from her stomach to her large/small intestines, her PD said. Thought I came in to see my gynae at the same time since both are at the same area. Especially since I noticed that there wasn’t much fetal movement since the wee hrs. I probably am paranoid. Coz baby J is usually quite active. I shook him several times in the morning and still there was no response. 

A call to the gynae and he says to do a CTG at the labour ward just to b sure. Aiya..I actually just wanna c 2 doctors at the same day leh.. coz my scheduled gynae appt is the next day but I thought since I’m here liaoz might as well. Anyway even my PD also said the same thing , to do a CTG. 

So here I was in labour ward, and still in good spirits. I know the CTG was for an hr, and if all’s good, I could leave this place with grace and uncle who are both camping at the lobby coz no kids allowed at labour ward.

My kid who is happily anchored and reading her books. 

Once into the CTG, I could hear the baby heartbeat and was super relieved. Hahahaha... like okie good.. I’m just paranoid. 

I was also given this to click each time baby kicked. The missy asked if I knew I was also having contractions?! I was like “what!?” Ermm.. no I didn’t know.. What’s the difference between the two ah ? Lol.. coz despite this being my nth pregnancy, I’ve been blessed to never experience contractions. Or mayb I had, I just didn’t know they were called contractions. Lol... felt like a first time mama.. 

So anyway, gynae prescribed some meds to stop contractions and I would have to b in for another hr, before I could go home. By this time, I told the lobby gang to go home first but grace refused. She wasn’t prepared to leave without me or the baby. Awwww...I told them it’s going to b another hr and they said it’s fine.. oh well.. 

2 hrs and 2 tablets later, the contractions didn’t seem to settle and gynae wanted to start me on a drip, which would b my new BFF for the whole night. 🤦‍♀️

I also had to order my lunch. Told the lobby gang to head home. No point waiting for me anymore. 

The soup was awesome, laksa wasn’t spicy enough and yes, I was curious to know what’s the big hooha over the lobster meals at Gleneagles. (Over rated)

I actually was craving for the peach tarts at Delifrance.. begged the nurse to let me go down to grab one but no one entertained me.. lol.. it’s so near yet so far. Was tempted to order via Grab but it would have been so ridiculous to do so as well. Hahahaha.. but thankfully I still manage to have it at abt 5pm when uncle choo came over (after settling all the home errands/logistics/ settling the sick child) 

My dinner.. brimming with happiness to see my hubby and finally someone to talk to instead of text to.. love the soup and chocolate cake but the steak was too well done for my liking.. lol..

Gynae came in abt 6pm and told me that I’m going to stay in for the night.. omg .. with the drip! Coz my contractions are still there and he really really hopes that we keep the baby in for another week or two despite that baby would cross 37 on 15/5..😭😭😭

Told the gynae that I would much prefer to remove the drip, keep the contractions so that I could move up to a single ward instead of staying in the labour ward, esp since a noisy neighbour just checked in. (Sorry I sound bratty and spoilt- first world prob) 

He nods his head and I showed him my 🥺 and he says to tahan for just 1 night. And he left. I didn’t understand why he was so insistent on baking for another week or two but william says he must have his reasons and we should just wait patiently. Which is so hard for me. 

Drama happened shortly after the gynae left. Both william and I heard loud cries along the corridor. And the cries became louder and louder. It seems to come from my ward toilet! Omg what happened!? I peeked out from my bed curtain and noticed that the neighbour wasn’t at her bed. In fact, the housekeeping cleaned out her bed within the next hr. 

I was in shock. The last I remembered was her gynae came to check on her, she was week 34 and also noticed little fetal movement since last night. I asked the nurse subsequently and she said that her gynae couldn’t detect baby heartbeat so most likely will do a delivery immediately and hope for the best.. 😞😞😞

My heart sank.. though I never saw the neighbour face at all.. only heard her .. it’s every parent worst nightmare.. to have to deliver a baby with no heartbeat. I personally have 2 clients who had to go thru the same thing, and thus, am fearful/paranoid throughout this pregnancy. I’m praying that a miracle will happen for this neighbour. 

And for a moment I’m thankful that I came in early. I was paranoid and kiasi. 

William left shortly and I did a zoom session with the girls. They were worried and I just wanted to check in on them. 

Doesn’t joy look very much like me?

The “thing” that would follow me everywhere thru the night. Also mean that each time I needed to go toilet, I had to press the bell for assistance..

Thankfully I managed to catch some sleep and the gynae came at 7am.. 

I asked again if we could just do the c sec since it’s 37 but he says that if he had a choice, he would prefer to keep baby in there. I could be discharge by late morning and walk to his clinic for an ultrasound. 

Our breakfast before discharge. I’m having ya kun while uncle is having hospital food.. hahahaha.. he must have been exhausted from all the errands etc.. it’s tough managing me and his girls and everything.. 

Got a shock when he showed me the bill..$2800.. I knew it wouldn’t be cheap bcoz it was all ala carte priced and the observation charges were based on hourly rates.. but it was still “mind blowing” when the bill came..

Need to come in to labour ward again tomorrow to monitor again. But for now, I’m thankful that all is fine. Waiting for my turn at the clinic. 

I shan’t complain. Look at the bright side of things. I had peaceful rest. I had a lot of time praying yday. God is in control. 

Bible verse

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such a timely reminder.. Just wanna embrace this verse and remind myself that God is in control. All will happen in His own timing, and in His plans. 

It has been a hectic week, with grace coming down with stomach flu since Tuesday and joy with a sprained waist on Wednesday. I know william still has a bucket list of things to complete and the only thing I can help is to sleep and rest. I know, and I’m trying. But once every few days, insomnia hits me like a good friend, just like tonight. 

The room is peace and quiet, with joy and Vera. But my mind just wonders and wonders. It almost doze off for a while and then something will suddenly jolt me wide awake. 

I know I need to zzz early bcoz Tom is public holiday and I need all the rest or else I’ll start screaming at the girls again.. 

Thankful for this beautiful verse. Will go and try to zz again.

Made of water

These days, my tear ducts seem to be working in overdrive mode that even little little things would start me on a drizzle and slightly bigger things into a thunderstorm.. 

Like how it happened yday when william suddenly decided to ask his mom to stay for lunch and dinner in view of Mother’s Day. The initial plan was to celebrate Mother’s Day with her for lunch and send her home, before we go out for our own dinner as a family of 5. The logical me understood why he wanna do that and I’m fine with it. Really. I didn’t show a black face or was pissed with him. 

Abt 3plus, while everyone was enjoying their tv, I told william that I was sleepy and wanna go get a nap. But once I went into the room, my tear ducts went into overdrive mode and I just kept crying and crying .. omg .. something that I kept telling myself to stop. And even after grace came in, I couldn’t stop. She was concerned why I was crying and I had to tell her that I was having a headache. Like I know she’s in the room so all the more I should stop, but I can’t ! The tears kept going and going, until william got to know of it. And we weren’t even quarrelling over anything ! 

He didn’t say anything and gave me a hug. And send his mom home after the movie ended. I told him I’m fine and I understand why. I just needed time to process and stop my tears. But he says it’s fine. In the end, I cried to sleep with a blocked nose and only woke up after he came back. We went for dinner as per arranged. 

I hope that my emotions would come back after confinement. It does seem that the hormones are on overdrive this pregnancy. Even though the reasons for the  emotional me during T1 and now are entirely different. Now I don’t even know what’s happening.. omg 😱 

Anyway, I’ve decided to take a break and enjoy the rest of the time I have before the baby arrive. Not doing much work except admin or some little follow ups etc.. going to do exams prep with the twins. We went thru 1 set of exam papers for each subject thus far, and I know there’s a lot more revision that needs to be done. 

Hopefully, our relationship doesn’t end after mid terms.. lol.. 

went to gynae on sat. I’m officially week 36 and baby is estimated at 3kg. I would b full term by 15/5 and 17 days more to the scheduled c sec date, if baby is cooperative. 

I guess one can never be overly prepared for his arrival. But when it comes, I’m comforted that I have william by my side to go thru it all.  Thankful that baby is kicking well and active, even though it means sleep is an issue. 

Praying that the delivery will b smooth, the logistics would b fine, and the girls would welcome our family member.