Day 5

 Joash slept til 930am this morning but this was with a 2hr interval from 4-6am. I was so hungover this morning that I scrapped the zoo excursion. Mayb I’ll do it on Sunday. So angry with myself for not being able to let him zzz properly. Decided to let him go sch today since his diarrhoea was cleared. But the moment he left, the moms guilt overwhelmed me. Oh man! Why is it so difficult to b a mom!! Why don’t dads have this issue? 

Promised myself that I’ll pick him up once I end my zoom call in the afternoon. Picked him at 4 and by dinner time I was kinda questioning my life choices liaoz.. haiz.. 穿牛角尖的女人很麻烦。可以对自己好一点吗？

Bcoz of the solo parenting plus severe lack of sleep, I ended up eating so much carbs this week. Even had a huge cup of ice cream after I made him zz today.

Couldn’t quite decide if I should let him continue sleeping here and me having interrupted sleep or putting him back to his cot and missing out on all the night cuddles. I know I’m problematic and I wish life was as easy as 1-2-3! 

I wanted to confirm my Japan flights for mar next year but on the other hand I’m worried that the helper wouldn’t b able to manage Joash all by herself. Esp when he’s a night terror. Anyway shall wait til the man is back. I know he has booked the accoms but aiya free cancellation.

Highly irritable

Snapped at uncle pig several times this morning. We all knew what’s going on. His coming trip is subconsciously causing my irritable behaviour. I manage to catch it but as much as I try, I still end up handling a few blows to him. 

Work has been hectic. Honestly I don’t know how I’m going to manage the household without him. Trying to work “light” for the coming week so that I could catch up on my sleep if the night duties become horrible.

Joash has been sleeping really badly this couple of weeks. There were nights where he would wake up at 4am and that’s it. Not sleeping anymore. Both of us either wake up trying 101 ways to coax him back to zzz; or if that fails then one of us would jaga him til daylight while the other zz. But honestly, I don’t know how many nights we could continue doing this. 

I wished I could be the supportive wife and hold the fort confidently while he travels in peace. Clearly, this isn’t my strength. And by having this peace abt it, I’m thankful by how much I’ve grown to accept that we all have our own strengths and flaws. This is clearly not my strength but so be it.

“But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.3.3.NIV

Insomnia who ?

345am finally transported baby into his cot sound asleep. I know I should go straight to sleep bcoz u never know what time the baby wakes up again. But I’m t fuming mad. Mad at uncle pig? Mad at myself ? Mad at baby? I guess it’s all of the above. 

Baby suddenly wakes up at 1am crying. William rushed to rescue him (despite me showing that baby fully can self smoothe himself and go back to zzz). His reason was - Joash is still battling diarrhoea and he has pooped motn for the last 2 nights. Yes it’s legit. But he didn’t let him go back to his cot to zzz. In fact tonight closing, he made koash zzz in his arms before putting him into the cot. 

Anyway the battle continued til 2plus and boy is struggling and both his parents are at wits end. I wanted William to go zzz bcoz he slept last than 4hrs the night before and tomorrow he needs to ferry joy at 6am. Haiz..

Joash finally pooped at 3am and I thought with the diaper change, I finally have a chance to zzz. No, he struggled. Can see that he’s tired but he fuss fuss. I even made milk! But boy doesn’t wanna drink. 

330am - car ride. I know the implications of it. But I don’t have any better alternatives. If I wake William up, it defeats the purpose. I know even if he zzz in the car, there’s still risks that he might wake up in the midst of transportation. 

340am - reach back to carpark coz boy is asleep. I said a silent prayer before turning off the engine. The sequence of events role played in my mind before I start the action. 

345 - in his cot still asleep. 

355am - I’m done. Going to zzz now. Pray that this is the last for this early morning. Situations like this, we can only turn to God. He is our lighthouse; our Healer. 

Praying that William eye op on wed will b a smooth one. Praying that the kids will be in their good behaviour while mama holds the fort. Praying for God’s protection upon our household. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

Rant

I’m dead tired. So is William, though he doesn’t say. The last 2 weeks, J has been waking up every hr once it cross midnight . Initially I thought it’s because he’s hungry but even after we feed him at 12am, he can continue to wake up at 1am, 2, 330,5am etc. I tried letting him zzz on our bed just so that we/ he could have a longer undisturbed sleep but even this didn’t help in any way. 

I don’t know how long this will last and seriously it’s going to be less than 3 weeks before school starts. 

I told William that mayb we should consider letting the twins share a room so that we can let the helper + J take the other room. He just replied “this is out of the question.” I told him I can’t function properly the next day when I can’t even have 5 hrs of sleep. He says he will take the night if it comes down to this. I can work. But honestly this isn’t healthy either. His health is not great. He hasn’t young anymore and his fainting episodes plus needing to ferry tue girls to sch etc.. 

I’m really out of solutions. I even considered hiring a part time nanny or another helper etc but all these were brushed away by him. 

Praying for strength and God’s wisdom on this. He has our backs. He knows and He will never give us too big a problem to handle. Reminded myself all these and praying and surrendering to Him. 

The lack of zzz has also led to crazy eating these two weeks.. argh.. that is another topic on its own. Oh well

Update: it’s 1230am and honestly, I’m waiting for the little fellow to start his “party”. I did try to zzz tonight but mayb im too stimulated that I can’t fall asleep! We increased his day feeds to 180ml today, and his fav diaper from the correct source arrived today. (I switched a diff source previously even though it’s the same brand) that’s the only 2 things we did differently today, plus a lot of PRAYERS!! Thank You God for answering our prayers! 

Emo..

This is me at 3am last night. For two nights in a row, our little friend has been waking up at 2, drink his milk, coaxed to zz, put into cot and wake up with big eyes smiling at me. And such battles usually last for 2 hrs at least.. For yesterday, William took over from 3-5. Then he woke up again at 5ish.. fed him milk again, changed diaper and zzz with nightmares .. kept waking up every 10-15mins… 

Praying for strength to carry forward. I’m tired, so is William. It’s the pre-weekend blues and if weekdays are so bad already, I don’t want weekends to come..😭😭😭

This too shall pass, I know … but God, can u make it easier for 我们两个老人家… 

Sleepless nights

Haven’t slept much yday night and I thought I would b so super concussed that I would have a good night rest tonight. But as it turns out, I’m still wide awake. Going to cut down my caffeine from now on. Not sure if it’s because I drank too much coffee, or bcoz the teenager has flew, or it’s just uncle pig’s health that is bothering me. 

He’s going for his MRI coming Friday. The ENT specialist just wanna make sure that there isn’t any tumour in his ear causing the imbalance. Going to also do the brain to rule out early signs of stroke etc. Times like this are a reminder to us that health is the biggest asset in life. Being healthy is the best gift we can give to our family besides TIME. Praying that God protect this man from any serious illness and to grant wisdom to the doctors so that we be able to have the correct diagnosis soon! 

The teenager is on the plane with my mama. She begged/convinced/persuaded and charmed her into going Paris with her. It’s their first trip together without me. I hope they don’t end up killing each other. May they enjoy this bonding session and I also asked them to come home in one piece. There isn’t a need to get anything for anyone. Just enjoy the trip, eat lotsa good food and take lotsa pictures. 

I really should go back to zzz. Going to bring the twins for their Saturday class tomorrow and gotten need to wake up early for that. 

Going to cut down to 3 pumps from Monday onwards. It’s a bittersweet moment. I know I sound like a patient with dementia or Dory forgetting where his lines are; but pls be patient with me as I finish this last phrase. I know I will get over it and in time to come, laugh at the me now. I just need time to get over it. Yes I know and yes pls God help me.

Thankful for all the blessings He has provided for me and my family. God is in control. I must remember that. 

Flip prata

As expected, I started to flip prata again and wondered if extending my pump sessions was the right thing to do. Today was the first day when J had to drink FM during the day time. It’s not a big thing la, I know FM is equally nutritious. Just that it was an “argh” moment when the IFC called and ask if we had accidentally forgotten to bring a bottle lesser than usual. Hubs then told the sch to do FM when it wasn’t enough. 

I don’t know if I made the right choice or not bcoz I sound like a broken record. It’s tormenting me. And I was just telling J that I don’t know what I should do. To continue extending and eventually close the milk factory or just to go back to excessive pumps. 

And I tell u..she always gives the best advice and without judgement too. She says instead of doing the Chart, I should really focus on WHY I WANNA BF? Coz if I can find the WHY, I will be able to find the way to do it. Simple words, with wisdom. My 军事 for everything.. hahaha .. here goes : 

1) feeling of bonding / latching 

- I really enjoyed the times when I latched Grace. I can’t explain what it is, and why bottle feeding is different, but it is. Don’t get me wrong, we can still be very attached to our kids with bottle feeding. 

This time round, Joash didn’t latch as well. Especially now that he’s in ifc, the chances that he will latch is only the occasional motn and even that would always end up with both of us half asleep.. hahahah

2) “FAIR”

- I did it for the girls and I thought it would only b fair if I did it for Joash as well. 

3) BM nutrients are better ?

- it’s a ? bcoz Vera who drinks the least BM also happens to have the least number of doctor visits. Grace on the other hand, frequents kkh and the PD a lot more compared to her sisters.

4) Weight lost?

- again this doesn’t apply to my case. I didn’t lost much weight, be it for the twins or this time round. Any weight lost during Joy’s time came back with a vengeance once I stopped breastfeeding. So honestly, if weight lost is a keen thing, I should stop breastfeeding (so I wouldn’t emotional eat) and go for my cupping sessions. 

这样看起来, my why isn’t v strong leh.. hahahah.. chey.. why did I even wanna bf ? Lol.. and guilt trap myself .. hahahaha

Will just let J latch for the rest of this journey, but if he doesn’t wan I wouldn’t force. And I’ll just continue my extension la.. hahaha.. 

Closing the milk factory

 

I did this yes/no table while waiting for my zoom appt to start. I’ve said it a couple of times that I wanna stop breastfeeding soon and going to extend my pumping hours. As of last mth, I was still pumping every 3hrly and at least 8-10 times a day either latching or pumping.. it’s exhausting and crazy. So I started to stretch to 4hrly but once I do that, the volume drops. Which I am not surprised bcoz storage cup small ma.. then I’ll be like okie go back and forth, then the lack of 😴

So being a mathematical person, I wanted to list down all the reasons for and against. And clearly, the reasons to stop are more justified. I just need to do it NOW and not let the guilt eat me alive. 

And coincidentally the zoom appt I had yday.. my client also said the same .. to stop and not b guilty. Bcoz only with rest,  can we go a long way with our children. 

Praying that I dont like the stupid guilt overwhelm me. If I stop breastfeeding, I’ll be able to do many fun things .. like traveling next yr ; go adventure cove with the girls in Nov when we go for our staycation; more time to focus on my work or even sleep for extended hrs at night… 

Yes let’s just do it !

Just as I thought he has stopped latching.. this is really what I enjoy abt breastfeeding… 

What I learnt/did during the Circuit Breaker

Its been abt 6weeks since the start of circuit breaker and if things go on track, it's only 2 more weeks left. To be honest, 6 weeks seem to fly past so fast. I've learnt/done so many interesting things that I wont be doing if it was the normal work schedule.

1) Urban Farming 

- I've grew 3 rounds of bean sprouts thus far. Its probably one of the easier veg to grow and I thought it would b interesting for the girls to see how beans are transformed into a dish in a span of days..

This was my first time doing (then) and the girls got so sick of tao gei for a while that they forbade me to grow so much at one go! I really enjoyed the time when we all just pluck the tao gei together.. lol.. it reminded me of my growing up years when we had to do it..hahah

2) Work emails 

- I managed to download all my work emails and achive them based on each individual client.. yeah! It's one of the good to do tasks but not urgent things that I could clear during the CB..

3) Writing Cards

- When was the last time we wrote a card / letter to a friend? Or made one for them? I took this time to mail out short cards to my friends to wish them Happy Mothers Day.. inspiring mothers whom I wanna thank for guiding me along the way; mummy friends who were in the journey together with me and amazing mothers who I hope to send an encouragement to! By the end of this drive, my hands were aching from the writing..lol.. but it's a small gift of love that I hope my friends would like.. 

4) Zoom 

- By now most Singaporeans would have mastered the use of Zoom / video conferencing. The girls definitely picked up faster but I'm glad I know how too! Also managed to finally mastered screen sharing and do my presentations digitally. Havent close my first sale yet but I know it will come!

5) Digitalizing my drawings into ppt

- I'm a dinosaur.. and most colleagues / clients know that too.. I present with pen and paper and even though I scanned all my drawings, the problem with drawing is i would need to re-draw for each review. Since I had so much time, I converted all my drawings to ppt! Close to 90% of my existing clients..hahaha.. ticked ppt off my list and feeling a huge sense of accomplishment. It's a learning curve for a dinosaur like me, but it wouldn't have been possible if I didnt have so much time to figure out and port all over. 

6) Cross stitch 

- I ordered this when I was done with 2) and I still had 4 or 5 weeks before CB ends. I really wanted to do something for ME. Though i may not know how to bake or cook or do chores, this was one of my fav past time when I was young. I used to do this a lot during sch days but stopped doing when we humans got too engrossed with mandate work activities. I managed to find many designs on qoo10 where it could b shipped easily.

But it was still a pain when I was going thru this. The squares were too small for my eyes and I should have started with an easier design. 2 thoughts went thru my mind while doing it.. I either finish it before the end of CB or risk it being a half completed job for a loooooong time when work "reopens". 

Its finally completed to which I'm thankful. I really enjoyed doing it, after the initial difficulties. It's like my escape away from parenting duties..hahaha..The girls were also curious to learn. So I've ordered new sets for them which has the design printed and hopefully easier for them to learn.

7) Ironing out with Joy

- After that last entry, Joy and I cried so hard that day... words cut deep, especially when it comes from loved ones. I know she doesnt mean it, but we all could learn from this episode. I told her abt my struggles being the sole breadwinner. We all have strengths in different areas, which is something both of us need to know and recognize. I need to be more confident of myself so that such remarks wont hurt me as much. I need to stop doubting myself. She needs to know and learn that her choice of words is a sword. It can kill. And it has alrdy affected her friendships to a certain extent. We both learnt from that episode and if anything, she is even more sticky to me these days..

8) Exercising 

- We started exercising everyday via the exercise videos on YouTube bcoz Joy has to complete at least 1 video a day to "maintain" her fitness as required by her CCA. It's nice to sweat it out with the girls. Through this, we can also see who is the more sporty kind and who is the one that has mobility disability..hahaha.. I need to get more yoga mats! Hopefully we continue this even after CB ends.

9) iPad and apple pencil 

- I bought the apple pencil when govt announced CB in view that I would do more presentation / drawings digitally. But to be honest, the pencil has been so underused for work, if any. Angela suggested sketching / digital art with it. I've tried a few times..but art is not my cup..hahaha..

I've just started to use it for journaling and taking my church notes recently and hopefully it can relinquish its white elephant status by the end of CB. Mayb this shall be the next skill I conquer.

My after thoughts 

I'm quite thankful for this circuit breaker. If anything, it has allowed me to complete/master things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do so. I told my BFFs that I'm actually enjoying my life now. Do a bit of work here and there, spend a lot of time with the kids, do bible study, eat and sleep. Mayb I will have a different stand when the cases/$$ are not coming in subsequently but for now, I'm enjoying the peace and my simple life. 

Shall make a list of the things I wanna do (tom) before the end of CB. Coz there's only 2 weeks left...lol

Back in April when my fringe is stil short..  

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.

Isaiah 26:3 NIV

https://isaiah.bible/isaiah-26-3

sleepless night..

Had this during my 2pm appt at TCC.. it was soooooo good.. but 5 mins into it, I regretted it. The caffeine was so strong that I knew I would have trouble falling asleep at night. And I was right. 1am and my eyes are wide open. I need to wake up at 545am tomorrow morning coz I have to drop joy in sch before going for my 830am appt at botanical gardens; followed by a luncheon at fort canning; back to pick joy from her school; then back to home to pick the rest before going to my mama house for a cny relatives gathering. I'm so dead. I know. The long drives plus the social activities would leave me hungry for a recharge. I would be lucky if I could at least last til the end of the morning appt and hopefully catch a nap in the car before going for the luncheon. Or I could skip it, but i promised J that i would go with her.. and it would b nice to take some nice photos there too..

We are entering Feb soon.. I'm looking forward to it..  fixed a couple of appts today and I'm going back to swimming/ exercise next week! Yeah! No more excuse. Need to work those muscles to burn the holiday calories..hahaha... 

And I hope I can zzzz soon.. omg.. why didnt I realize that its double espresso..argh it reminded me of the affogato I had with JM in Vancouver and that was splendid too..lol..

emo.emo

Havent been sleeping well for the last few days.. woke up like 4am to pee and became wide awake.. 😭

Joleen said it's my pre-travel (w/0 family) syndrome..lol.. mayb thats part of the reason..but I'm really looking forward to traveling with the 2 of them.. it's our first trip together without anyone else.. hahaha.. n it's really really short.. flying off on mon and coming back on wed so that mama duties wont b heavily affected..lol.. 

Or mayb its bcoz I saw this on my darling instagram.. and this was right after we had fun and laughter over 1-to-1 supper time, after topping up her love tank.. i know she is struggling, struggling to get over the broken friendships at primary.. but I was still surprised t0 see this, right after our deliberate efforts to engage her, to be there for her. She doesnt say much abt what happened and I could only try to piece the missing pieces here and there.. e.g. when I realize that she doesnt even know where her "BFFs" are posted to or when she no longer talks abt them.. or her occasional sleepless nights/panic attacks.

It's so tough to grow up.. she felt ostracized (I guess) for her outspokeness; her mature self a stark contrast to her classmates who are still into unicorns and elsa..

She needs to know that she doesn't need the world to love her, but this knowledge is something that even I as an adult, started to embrace only in the last decade or so.. I was tempted to peep into her hp (should I?), but william felt that we should give her space, so that she has the room to grow.. 

Its tough being a parent of a pre-teen; yes, the diaper days and sleepless nights are over.. but along comes different challenges that I pray, God will guide me along as I entrust my kids onto Him. 

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord , whose confidence is in him.

Jeremiah 17:7 NIV

https://jeremiah.bible/jeremiah-17-7

Sleepless nights

I'm going to fly off to Egypt with my mama for another convention in a couple of days time.

William could sense it - the jittery plus emo emo and the fact that I kept picking on him the last few days (at least according to him). I thought I had managed it quite well this time round, till the sleepless nights came visiting again. I tried cutting off caffeine entirely, packing my days with appts such that the mind doesn't even have time to wander. In fact, for the next 3 days, my appts start as early as 9am, even on Wed, the day I fly.

Praying for good sleep, praying that I have the energy to spend time with my kids before the trip, that I wont miss the family too much. Feeling guilty that i probably packed too many appts coming week, but we did many activities this week. I brought them to the night safari, we swam (again)and we even washed the school shoes together coz I was quite irritated with the dirty shoes..lol

Praying that the trip would be fruitful, that I would be able to spend time with my mama - the only reason why I'm travelling. Praying for good weather and peace, in Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Silent night..

It's Christmas and everyone are sound asleep.. and I am the only one still wide awake..

I was curious to know what i was blogging abt a yr ago and I saw this .. we have officially shifted over for 1 yr.. time seems to zoom past without me knowing.. all the little adjustments that we had to make with the shift, seems tiny now.. I'm fully adjusted to staying here.. and the only thing that I missed probably is the big fridge and kitchen that Mr choo used to have. I missed how he used to cook big meals and we would invite our friends over..  beside that, I think all is good here.. the tiny place makes cleaning a breeze.. we've managed to maintain what we have / need. All of us have lesser clothes now though I think it's still a lot. We see a lot of each other here.. hahaha.. the girls relationship have improved so much.. they have realized that we are all kinda stuck together for a while and let's all learn to compromise. Yes, I think the word here is compromise. They have learnt it well and I'm thankful for it.

Compared to the ungrateful brats that we have a few yrs ago , the girls have really improved so much.

They opened their presents this morning.. there weren't many bcoz I was tired of organizing Xmas parties and having gift exchanges for the sake of doing it. Christmas holds a very special meaning now to us , compared to the commercial gifting seasons that ads are trying to convince everyone to buy and buy. Less is more and Christmas is really abt Jesus, my Lord and saviour.

What matters to me now is having my family with me. I have nothing lacking and I hope that my kids will continue to appreciate the blessings they have and be willing to share it with others.

Merry Christmas to all my friends and may joy, peace and health be with you.

Sleepless night

The twins crept up to my bed at 330am and they kinda occupied the entire king size bed. Uncle pig is sleeping on the floor while I'm lying on the other end of the bed. I didn't manage to zz back unfortunately. Took the time to play some games , catch up on fb, did some quiet time and went back to my blog.

Saw the many past entries, some of our prayers for the family and friends.. some has come to past while some are still waiting for things to pan out. Re-reading the past entries it's like taking a time machine back to the past. . Where for many many things I've forgotten abt it.. or only agar Agar rem the gist of it.

It's amazing now tt the twins r coming to 4 yrs old, the same age when joy was ard when I was expecting.. yes, time juz fly past like tt.. how did we manage to do all these ? The frequent night feeds , the many tantrums , the sick episodes , and the many many challenges we went thru during this 4 yrs.. it's amazing coz God is with us.

Was just telling uncle pig this evening that our friend's daughter (15 yrs old ) is dating. .and how the friend is struggling to manage the r/s between her n the kid; and the BG r/s . I ask uncle pig how would we b able to cope when it's our turn, how would we react and how should we handle it ? The whole circumstances itself seems to b freaking me out too.. oops.. he, being him , says that when the time comes, we'll know how to do it. And God will be there to guide us, to nurture our kids. 😊

It's coming to 6am, almost 3 hrs since I was woken up by the girls. I rem that 4 yrs ago when I was still preg with them, I always have trouble sleeping back after my toilet visits. . Hehe.. how time flies.

Usually every Jan/Feb, my house will always smell like a hot oven with CNY goodies coz it's the time when uncle pig does some cny orders. This yr, he has decided not to take in any orders. (Sorry friends!) Coz it's really too tiring for him and time should b spend more wisely with the family. Time is the precious commodity here, more so than $. Not that we have a lot of $$, but bcoz recent episodes of health scare have made us more appreciative of time on earth. Nonetheless my house should still have his baking cny  creations. . Hahahaha.. Can't wait for him to start baking!

Going back to catch some sleep.. hopefully I can!