Juz came back from a short getaway and ended up being more tired than before the trip.. the trip was okie, fun and relaxing... but anyway, will blog abt that in another entry altogether...
Have been re-tinking about my IVF decision this couple of hours... it's the uneasiness, and I'm not even sure if this is the way that I wanna go about it.. Does God want to see that happening too? What if this is all not meant to be? Maybe God feels that this is not His plan for me? Maybe in His grand master plan, Joy would grow up to be an only child?
Haiz.. feeling a lot of maybes and whatifs and dont know how I should proceed from here? SHould I juz back out from the whole thing & move on in life? Anyway, there's a lot of pple who only have 1 child and are contented with that? Or should I go back to the adoption waiting list? Or maybe I should juz try my own ways to source for a child available for adoption? Or should I just go ahead with the IVF, the 60 injections and see how it goes? WOuld that be the way for me?
What if after a failed cycle, I tried several more cycles and cant seem to pull myself out of it? I dont know why but even before starting, I've never really imagined myself as having it successful? Would that be a self-fulfilling prophency? But if I were to imagine hitting it right on the first cycle, and if it turned out otherwise, I think the blow would be even harder and greater than imagined?
I know for sure that God didnt intend for Joy to be an only child.. I also know that God didnt want me to suffer the pains... then if that's the case, then how?? How God? God, I cry out to you, and I pray that you hear my cries.. God, I pray for your protection, for your covering upon me and my family, that we will be able to survive this journey altogether.. Lord, I do not know yr plans and yr reasons for doing certain things, but I remember that U love all yr children.. And this verse suddenly pass thru my mind:
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
9 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:7
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Emo..
This morning while driving to work, I asked Uncle Pig what if the IVF mixed-up happened to us too? His immediate reply was " it's still our kid & it's God's way.." Tears simply well in my eyes.. I can feel the beginning of my emo journey.. Fearful but anticipating too..
Yesterday at the clinic, our record showed that our last consultation was last Oct n it's been 8mths..
Am I crazy to embark on this again? Have I forgotten the pains & agonies we suffered back then? I rem juz recently tat I was so relieved tt this all was juz a thing of the past, but now we're going to start another cycle AGAIN...
I asked Uncle Pig if we were defying God's way by going ahead.. N his reply was simple yet comforting " Even if IVF is successful, I hope we will still adopt as planned" . Which I agreed! It's not a case of ours vs adopted but more of the queue of prospective mothers waiting for an adopted child is much longer.. According to the agency, even after completing the report, there's a long waiting list for prospective parents n the wait could go as long as 5 yrs! And it muz b agonizing for these pple too.. Coz they muz hv tried all means before coming to this route n I didn't want to compete with them, since I've already had Joy n there were other alternatives tat I could try..
So currently, Uncle Pig and I will try IVF.. But we will also prepare our adoption procedures.. And if God is willing, we will be more than willing to accept as many children in our household as possible..
P/s: Please pray for us, that if it is in God's way, smoothen the whole process n bless us with another
addition(s) soon...
Yesterday at the clinic, our record showed that our last consultation was last Oct n it's been 8mths..
Am I crazy to embark on this again? Have I forgotten the pains & agonies we suffered back then? I rem juz recently tat I was so relieved tt this all was juz a thing of the past, but now we're going to start another cycle AGAIN...
I asked Uncle Pig if we were defying God's way by going ahead.. N his reply was simple yet comforting " Even if IVF is successful, I hope we will still adopt as planned" . Which I agreed! It's not a case of ours vs adopted but more of the queue of prospective mothers waiting for an adopted child is much longer.. According to the agency, even after completing the report, there's a long waiting list for prospective parents n the wait could go as long as 5 yrs! And it muz b agonizing for these pple too.. Coz they muz hv tried all means before coming to this route n I didn't want to compete with them, since I've already had Joy n there were other alternatives tat I could try..
So currently, Uncle Pig and I will try IVF.. But we will also prepare our adoption procedures.. And if God is willing, we will be more than willing to accept as many children in our household as possible..
P/s: Please pray for us, that if it is in God's way, smoothen the whole process n bless us with another
addition(s) soon...
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Waiting..
好紧张哦！真希望时间快点过啊！又怕又想知道医生会说什么。我是不是应该现在还可以走，快点走能？
Lord I pray to you tat you give me the peace and strength to go thru all these. Lord, I pray tt you help me thru all these.. Lord, I am truly sorry for going ahead of it without listening.. Lord, I pray tat U deliver me from all these.. Kinda regret my 冲动ness yesterday.. Lord I leave all in your hands - amen
Lord I pray to you tat you give me the peace and strength to go thru all these. Lord, I pray tt you help me thru all these.. Lord, I am truly sorry for going ahead of it without listening.. Lord, I pray tat U deliver me from all these.. Kinda regret my 冲动ness yesterday.. Lord I leave all in your hands - amen
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm writing to you now because it's only a few more hours before I go c the gynae.. I know that I should have done it earlier, I should have prayed before making the appt and I should have place this completely in Yr hands. Lord, much as I'm willing, a part of me is worried. Worried that if I turn to You, you will say No in yr gentle voice, worried that you will not grant this tiny wish of yr beloved child. It's a struggle, a struggle to wait, a struggle not to do anything.
Lord, I know that man can only do this much, but God, you are the Almighty and the Creator of all and if You are willing, it will be done, effortlessly. Lord, I know it's wrong for me to do this, but even if this is a journey of no returns, I would still want to do it. I know and I only pray that you grant me the peace, when I go for my appt later as well as my TTC journey. Lord, I pray for forgiveness, and I pray that you carry me in this difficult path and I pray that you soften the journey outcome..
I'm writing to you now because it's only a few more hours before I go c the gynae.. I know that I should have done it earlier, I should have prayed before making the appt and I should have place this completely in Yr hands. Lord, much as I'm willing, a part of me is worried. Worried that if I turn to You, you will say No in yr gentle voice, worried that you will not grant this tiny wish of yr beloved child. It's a struggle, a struggle to wait, a struggle not to do anything.
Lord, I know that man can only do this much, but God, you are the Almighty and the Creator of all and if You are willing, it will be done, effortlessly. Lord, I know it's wrong for me to do this, but even if this is a journey of no returns, I would still want to do it. I know and I only pray that you grant me the peace, when I go for my appt later as well as my TTC journey. Lord, I pray for forgiveness, and I pray that you carry me in this difficult path and I pray that you soften the journey outcome..
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Impulsive Act
This morning as I was driving to office, a feeling/thought came to me again.. in fact, it's been nudging me for quite some time.. - to give IVF a shot! Gasp! Did I really say that? Did I really want that? Or am I hallucinating again? Arrgh... this feeling's been tempting me yet again.. esp when my work has kinda close for this banding year, and I'm kinda free, after settling my existing cases... so yes, i'm free.. and yes, i'm letting my thoughts run wild again...
While driving today, I even thought about my twins! Can you believe it? OMG... it's like daydreaming.. you feel so good while at it..but the world falls apart as soon as you reach sanity. Haiz... Anyway, I concluded that I was too free now.. and maybe a holiday will help to relieve me instead... and yes, we are going to a short gateaway this Sun.. 主啊！请你救我啊！
Anyway, I brought my thoughts along to lunch with Uncle Pig.. we had shabu shabu (great! Comfort food!), and in the midst of it, he saw my thoughts wondered off.. haiz... and I told him, that maybe we could try IVF and have twins? hahaha.. it sounded completely absurd.. i mean, to have one successful is quite impossible, and to have twins? Not forgetting that we still have our normal bills and logistics and HB to trouble with...
And darling Uncle Pig actually replied.. " I know if you never try it, you will always live in regret. If you are willing, let's do it. " I told him that if we really were to do it, it would mean that he would be at the suffering end of my emotional rollercoasters, and I asked him if he was prepared for it. To which he replied yes.
You know, how things in life are, when we indeed need to try it for ourselves, then we realise and experience it, then we close the chapter and move on? “要撞墙才会知道痛吗？” It's just like in the past, when I wanted to do an exchange program in my uni days, and even though he know that I won't be able to survive, he agreed to it. He knew that our r/s would suffer if I go, but he agreed to it. During our wedding preparations, he wanted a simple quiet event, but I wanted to announce to the world, and he agreed to do it my way. He agreed to all, because he knows that if I don't do it, I will always think about it, and I will have regrets. Even though recently, I told him that I wished we didnt do such a big wedding then, he simply laughed it off and say that if we didnt had a big wedding then, most probably, I would continue to nag at him till this date.. haha.. so true... the same applies for IVF too.. i guess.. i most probably will regret it subsequently, when I suffer from the heartaches and the failures.. but if I dont do it, this thought of mine will persist on and on...
So at that juncture, I did an impulse action! I called the clinic, and they were able to slot us in for an appt this thur! Yesh! This thurs! My gynae, the ever- long waiting list. The nice receptionist was able to slot us in this thur.. and I even discussed with william, maybe we can even do in July! And if it's not successful, then maybe we will mourn in Sept-Nov... and life will restart back to normal after that? Ahhh... really impulse hor.. Maybe I'm just like Eve, who's ever so curious to taste the forbidden fruit, at the expense of the world.. haiz.. I know I'm the disobedient child, to ignore everything, and to go with my heart.. but God, I pray for your mercy and annointing. Lord, I pray that you grant me success. Lord, I pray that you have mercy on us, and give us the children that we deeply yearn for.. Lord, I know that all things are possible, if it's in yr way.. Lord, I beg you... that you give us the gift, that we want.. 主啊，可不可以给我这个小小的请求？可能我很倔强，可能我的请求很unreasonable, 可是这就是我今年的birthday request..
- Amen -
Looking forward to the appt on Thur..Lord, if it's not in yr way, I pray that you let the gynae know.. and that he won't permit us to do it.. Lord, I pray that you help us in this situation..
While driving today, I even thought about my twins! Can you believe it? OMG... it's like daydreaming.. you feel so good while at it..but the world falls apart as soon as you reach sanity. Haiz... Anyway, I concluded that I was too free now.. and maybe a holiday will help to relieve me instead... and yes, we are going to a short gateaway this Sun.. 主啊！请你救我啊！
Anyway, I brought my thoughts along to lunch with Uncle Pig.. we had shabu shabu (great! Comfort food!), and in the midst of it, he saw my thoughts wondered off.. haiz... and I told him, that maybe we could try IVF and have twins? hahaha.. it sounded completely absurd.. i mean, to have one successful is quite impossible, and to have twins? Not forgetting that we still have our normal bills and logistics and HB to trouble with...
And darling Uncle Pig actually replied.. " I know if you never try it, you will always live in regret. If you are willing, let's do it. " I told him that if we really were to do it, it would mean that he would be at the suffering end of my emotional rollercoasters, and I asked him if he was prepared for it. To which he replied yes.
You know, how things in life are, when we indeed need to try it for ourselves, then we realise and experience it, then we close the chapter and move on? “要撞墙才会知道痛吗？” It's just like in the past, when I wanted to do an exchange program in my uni days, and even though he know that I won't be able to survive, he agreed to it. He knew that our r/s would suffer if I go, but he agreed to it. During our wedding preparations, he wanted a simple quiet event, but I wanted to announce to the world, and he agreed to do it my way. He agreed to all, because he knows that if I don't do it, I will always think about it, and I will have regrets. Even though recently, I told him that I wished we didnt do such a big wedding then, he simply laughed it off and say that if we didnt had a big wedding then, most probably, I would continue to nag at him till this date.. haha.. so true... the same applies for IVF too.. i guess.. i most probably will regret it subsequently, when I suffer from the heartaches and the failures.. but if I dont do it, this thought of mine will persist on and on...
So at that juncture, I did an impulse action! I called the clinic, and they were able to slot us in for an appt this thur! Yesh! This thurs! My gynae, the ever- long waiting list. The nice receptionist was able to slot us in this thur.. and I even discussed with william, maybe we can even do in July! And if it's not successful, then maybe we will mourn in Sept-Nov... and life will restart back to normal after that? Ahhh... really impulse hor.. Maybe I'm just like Eve, who's ever so curious to taste the forbidden fruit, at the expense of the world.. haiz.. I know I'm the disobedient child, to ignore everything, and to go with my heart.. but God, I pray for your mercy and annointing. Lord, I pray that you grant me success. Lord, I pray that you have mercy on us, and give us the children that we deeply yearn for.. Lord, I know that all things are possible, if it's in yr way.. Lord, I beg you... that you give us the gift, that we want.. 主啊，可不可以给我这个小小的请求？可能我很倔强，可能我的请求很unreasonable, 可是这就是我今年的birthday request..
- Amen -
Looking forward to the appt on Thur..Lord, if it's not in yr way, I pray that you let the gynae know.. and that he won't permit us to do it.. Lord, I pray that you help us in this situation..
Friday, June 10, 2011
Happy 5 yrs!
Today's the eve of our 5 years wedding anniversary. It seems just yesterday but 5 years has passed so quickly. Coincedentally, my bro's wedding is this sun (yes, juz a day after mine..) and we are now busy preparing ourselves, and helping out, that it kinda remind us of our own wedding 5 yrs ago.
To me, these 5 years has been fantastic. I'm blessed to know that Uncle Pig's the right person for me early, and because of this, we got married when I was barely 25.. haha.. young age, i feel, in today's time to settle down. But nevertheless, I was SURE that it was the right time, and with the right man, we tied the knot.
Both of us are not perfect, we have our shortfalls and of course, things that we dont always see eye to eye on.. But nevertheless, I still feel that God is kind enough to bless me with him, cause although he's not the perfect man, he's the man most suited for me! Perfect! I remember 5 yrs ago, that I was not overly involved with the wedding preparations. In fact, he did most, if not all of them. I told him flatly that I only wanted to marry him, and nothing else matters. (So sweet right, haha..) And because of this, I had the luxury of concentrating on my work, while he focus on the details and the preparations. He only gave me 1 task : Rem to appear on 11th Jun.. haha..
Fast forward 5 years, and now, he's busily doing our much overdue housework, while I'm juz blogging.. When Joy's about 1 yr old, he decided to quit full time so as to take care of Joy and also to serve God in his ways. I supported him, and became the breadwinner overnight. To a certain extent, I feel blessed. Bcoz he takes full charge of all the other things again, so that I can concentrate once again on my work.. compared to some of my other friends, I'm thankful to God for bringing him to me.. bcoz i cant imagine my life without you, nor if I had to do housework based on the social norms. God knew what I need, and provided someone, who could take care of me, love me, and bring the best out of me. Truly, if I had to be a full-time housewife, I think i would go crazy! If my hubby were someone who expect me to do the chores, I think life would be miserable..Haha.. but God knows and God provides, when we ask.
God, I pray that we continue to seek you in everything that we do, and that I pray that I will be able complement Uncle Pig, as his lifetime partner, his companion, his soulmate and everything. Lord, I pray for wisdom in settling our Baby Bakery.. you are the provider of everything, and I just pray for wisdom to lead the life in yr plans...
Uncle Pig, although I know you will not be reading this.. but I just wanna you to know that I appreciate your efforts in taking care of the family all these years.. and I know that this is juz one of the many 5 years to come.. I love you !
To me, these 5 years has been fantastic. I'm blessed to know that Uncle Pig's the right person for me early, and because of this, we got married when I was barely 25.. haha.. young age, i feel, in today's time to settle down. But nevertheless, I was SURE that it was the right time, and with the right man, we tied the knot.
Both of us are not perfect, we have our shortfalls and of course, things that we dont always see eye to eye on.. But nevertheless, I still feel that God is kind enough to bless me with him, cause although he's not the perfect man, he's the man most suited for me! Perfect! I remember 5 yrs ago, that I was not overly involved with the wedding preparations. In fact, he did most, if not all of them. I told him flatly that I only wanted to marry him, and nothing else matters. (So sweet right, haha..) And because of this, I had the luxury of concentrating on my work, while he focus on the details and the preparations. He only gave me 1 task : Rem to appear on 11th Jun.. haha..
Fast forward 5 years, and now, he's busily doing our much overdue housework, while I'm juz blogging.. When Joy's about 1 yr old, he decided to quit full time so as to take care of Joy and also to serve God in his ways. I supported him, and became the breadwinner overnight. To a certain extent, I feel blessed. Bcoz he takes full charge of all the other things again, so that I can concentrate once again on my work.. compared to some of my other friends, I'm thankful to God for bringing him to me.. bcoz i cant imagine my life without you, nor if I had to do housework based on the social norms. God knew what I need, and provided someone, who could take care of me, love me, and bring the best out of me. Truly, if I had to be a full-time housewife, I think i would go crazy! If my hubby were someone who expect me to do the chores, I think life would be miserable..Haha.. but God knows and God provides, when we ask.
God, I pray that we continue to seek you in everything that we do, and that I pray that I will be able complement Uncle Pig, as his lifetime partner, his companion, his soulmate and everything. Lord, I pray for wisdom in settling our Baby Bakery.. you are the provider of everything, and I just pray for wisdom to lead the life in yr plans...
Uncle Pig, although I know you will not be reading this.. but I just wanna you to know that I appreciate your efforts in taking care of the family all these years.. and I know that this is juz one of the many 5 years to come.. I love you !
Thursday, June 9, 2011
开心早餐！
今早被香喷喷的爱情早餐弄醒。。。
看到他一大早就起来准备，让我非常感动。这时的我很希望每天都会有home cooked breakfast! 啊！如过我不需要与别人分享他，那该多好！还是把生意卖了吧 & concentrate on taking care of joy n me? Tsk tsk...
看到他一大早就起来准备，让我非常感动。这时的我很希望每天都会有home cooked breakfast! 啊！如过我不需要与别人分享他，那该多好！还是把生意卖了吧 & concentrate on taking care of joy n me? Tsk tsk...
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Love Thy Neighbour
The Greatest Commandment
34 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35 One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: 36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
- Matthew 22: 34 - 40
Today, I've been prompted to write something about Love Your Neighbour. In the bible, God repeatedly tells us to love our neighbour, as He loves us. Love your neighbour as yourself.
Did God meant fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Or did HE also include everyone, saved on unsaved? Several times in the bible, he says that loving our neighbors is part of God's plan to evangelize them. Our love demonstrates what God and His kingdom are like. And much as evangelizing them is important, the key in His commandment is to Love everyone as stated in here:
God’s Love and Ours
7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God - 1 John 4:7
So certainly when God says to Love our Neighbour, He meant to love everyone, and especially non-Christians, cause it is through our actions that will bring them near, and our actions will also reflect what God and His kingdom are like.
But how or what should we do? How can we go about doing it? And does that mean imposing our stands on them? No...The first thing we should do is to pray for them. As a human, we are limited in how we can help them, but God is unlimited in how He can help. The greatest thing we can do for them is seriously pray for them.
God can do more for them in 1 miniute than we can in a lifetime. But God does not force His blessings on anyone without an invitation.
Lord, I pray that much as we hope and pray for our neighbour's salvation, we have to continously remember that yr commandment was to Love All, as ourselves and I pray that it is through our actions that draw people nearer to you, and not further away from you. Lord, I pray for wisdom to say the right things to them, and I also pray that you open their hearts, but most importantly, I pray for patience. Patience for the harvesters to harvest the fruits, and faith that the fruits will be ripen in your timing.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Blue Day...
Just received a text from a colleague telling me that she's pregnant.. have gotten news of it a few days ago but just felt weird then that she didnt let me know herself.. but yes, she told me today ah.. and i'm happy for her..
and each time an incident like this will always tempt me to consider if I've even tried ALL ways to be pregnant? I mean, what if I would have strike on my first try with IVF? What if TCM works for us? What if and what iff.....
Much as I'm tempted, but 我已经把我的心情收拾好了，也不是很想在度地然它受伤害。可是又有一部分的我觉得如果我没有施竟我知道的所有办法，我是否会后悔能？
就这样想着想着就让我非常的辛苦。。。
Lord, I just pray that you give me strength and wisdom to decide what's best for us. Lord, I pray that you grant me wisdom to decide on the route most suitable for us, for my frail heart, cause you know me best and I know that each challenge you give us, is never too big. Lord, I pray that you guide us along.. each step and let me know which way bah... In Jesus name I pray,
- Amen -
and each time an incident like this will always tempt me to consider if I've even tried ALL ways to be pregnant? I mean, what if I would have strike on my first try with IVF? What if TCM works for us? What if and what iff.....
Much as I'm tempted, but 我已经把我的心情收拾好了，也不是很想在度地然它受伤害。可是又有一部分的我觉得如果我没有施竟我知道的所有办法，我是否会后悔能？
就这样想着想着就让我非常的辛苦。。。
Lord, I just pray that you give me strength and wisdom to decide what's best for us. Lord, I pray that you grant me wisdom to decide on the route most suitable for us, for my frail heart, cause you know me best and I know that each challenge you give us, is never too big. Lord, I pray that you guide us along.. each step and let me know which way bah... In Jesus name I pray,
- Amen -
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