A heart of thankfulness

 心情: 晴天 ☀️

After 2 nights of good sleep, I woke up chirpy and eager to start the day. Not sure if my stance will remain the same when HBL starts... but for now, I’m glad the Govt came up with this measure in view of the many unlinked cases / clusters sprouting everywhere. 

The twins parent grp chat was buzzing with questions on how the exams would be settled coz by right they should have exams till Thursday. Poor Teachers, getting bombarded by them. To me, it didn’t really matter since it’s not even a national exam. And secondly, I told the girls that studying is for knowledge. So even if the exams are scrapped this time round, the knowledge/revision that we went thru is good to keep! 

Did some work this morning.. trying to enjoy the last 10 days of “baking”. William ask if I wanna go for my ctg today, I told him I didn’t feel like. I’m monitoring the kicks and that’s assuring enough. Too troublesome to crawl to Gleneagles and b there for 1hr plus then braved the jam/parking and crawl home.. 

Joy made this yday when I passed a remark saying that I’m craving for the brownies she made last week. Without hesitation, she baked a batch yesterday afternoon. I’m blessed. I see and acknowledged her subtle love ❤️ . I see a gradual change in her attitude towards baby J and I’m thankful for that. In fact, she has been holding the fort at home when we were in hospital, briefing the helper on what to cook and making sure that her sisters are well fed plus managing any fights etc. 

My heart is full with gratitude. And I just wanna enjoy this moment of bliss.. 

As for when the arrival of baby J etc, I’ve prayed over it and surrendered to God. He will help me settle it la.. haha.. if it really results in an emergency c sec, so be it. If we could wait til the stipulated date, good. But whatever it is, God is in control. He will know when’s the best timing. Baby J is God’s gift for us and I have to remember that. Don’t let the enemy throw doubts / fears. Just enjoy this moment of being pregnant, of not doing anything. Be present bcoz now is the moment. Now is the time to enjoy.. 

My 2D1N staycation

Waiting for uncle to arrive with my toothbrush and ya kun breakfast, and settle the discharge paperwork. It’s been a long night. 

14/5

Grace woke up with diarrhoea, the stomach flu virus probably moved from her stomach to her large/small intestines, her PD said. Thought I came in to see my gynae at the same time since both are at the same area. Especially since I noticed that there wasn’t much fetal movement since the wee hrs. I probably am paranoid. Coz baby J is usually quite active. I shook him several times in the morning and still there was no response. 

A call to the gynae and he says to do a CTG at the labour ward just to b sure. Aiya..I actually just wanna c 2 doctors at the same day leh.. coz my scheduled gynae appt is the next day but I thought since I’m here liaoz might as well. Anyway even my PD also said the same thing , to do a CTG. 

So here I was in labour ward, and still in good spirits. I know the CTG was for an hr, and if all’s good, I could leave this place with grace and uncle who are both camping at the lobby coz no kids allowed at labour ward.

My kid who is happily anchored and reading her books. 

Once into the CTG, I could hear the baby heartbeat and was super relieved. Hahahaha... like okie good.. I’m just paranoid. 

I was also given this to click each time baby kicked. The missy asked if I knew I was also having contractions?! I was like “what!?” Ermm.. no I didn’t know.. What’s the difference between the two ah ? Lol.. coz despite this being my nth pregnancy, I’ve been blessed to never experience contractions. Or mayb I had, I just didn’t know they were called contractions. Lol... felt like a first time mama.. 

So anyway, gynae prescribed some meds to stop contractions and I would have to b in for another hr, before I could go home. By this time, I told the lobby gang to go home first but grace refused. She wasn’t prepared to leave without me or the baby. Awwww...I told them it’s going to b another hr and they said it’s fine.. oh well.. 

2 hrs and 2 tablets later, the contractions didn’t seem to settle and gynae wanted to start me on a drip, which would b my new BFF for the whole night. 🤦‍♀️

I also had to order my lunch. Told the lobby gang to head home. No point waiting for me anymore. 

The soup was awesome, laksa wasn’t spicy enough and yes, I was curious to know what’s the big hooha over the lobster meals at Gleneagles. (Over rated)

I actually was craving for the peach tarts at Delifrance.. begged the nurse to let me go down to grab one but no one entertained me.. lol.. it’s so near yet so far. Was tempted to order via Grab but it would have been so ridiculous to do so as well. Hahahaha.. but thankfully I still manage to have it at abt 5pm when uncle choo came over (after settling all the home errands/logistics/ settling the sick child) 

My dinner.. brimming with happiness to see my hubby and finally someone to talk to instead of text to.. love the soup and chocolate cake but the steak was too well done for my liking.. lol..

Gynae came in abt 6pm and told me that I’m going to stay in for the night.. omg .. with the drip! Coz my contractions are still there and he really really hopes that we keep the baby in for another week or two despite that baby would cross 37 on 15/5..😭😭😭

Told the gynae that I would much prefer to remove the drip, keep the contractions so that I could move up to a single ward instead of staying in the labour ward, esp since a noisy neighbour just checked in. (Sorry I sound bratty and spoilt- first world prob) 

He nods his head and I showed him my 🥺 and he says to tahan for just 1 night. And he left. I didn’t understand why he was so insistent on baking for another week or two but william says he must have his reasons and we should just wait patiently. Which is so hard for me. 

Drama happened shortly after the gynae left. Both william and I heard loud cries along the corridor. And the cries became louder and louder. It seems to come from my ward toilet! Omg what happened!? I peeked out from my bed curtain and noticed that the neighbour wasn’t at her bed. In fact, the housekeeping cleaned out her bed within the next hr. 

I was in shock. The last I remembered was her gynae came to check on her, she was week 34 and also noticed little fetal movement since last night. I asked the nurse subsequently and she said that her gynae couldn’t detect baby heartbeat so most likely will do a delivery immediately and hope for the best.. 😞😞😞

My heart sank.. though I never saw the neighbour face at all.. only heard her .. it’s every parent worst nightmare.. to have to deliver a baby with no heartbeat. I personally have 2 clients who had to go thru the same thing, and thus, am fearful/paranoid throughout this pregnancy. I’m praying that a miracle will happen for this neighbour. 

And for a moment I’m thankful that I came in early. I was paranoid and kiasi. 

William left shortly and I did a zoom session with the girls. They were worried and I just wanted to check in on them. 

Doesn’t joy look very much like me?

The “thing” that would follow me everywhere thru the night. Also mean that each time I needed to go toilet, I had to press the bell for assistance..

Thankfully I managed to catch some sleep and the gynae came at 7am.. 

I asked again if we could just do the c sec since it’s 37 but he says that if he had a choice, he would prefer to keep baby in there. I could be discharge by late morning and walk to his clinic for an ultrasound. 

Our breakfast before discharge. I’m having ya kun while uncle is having hospital food.. hahahaha.. he must have been exhausted from all the errands etc.. it’s tough managing me and his girls and everything.. 

Got a shock when he showed me the bill..$2800.. I knew it wouldn’t be cheap bcoz it was all ala carte priced and the observation charges were based on hourly rates.. but it was still “mind blowing” when the bill came..

Need to come in to labour ward again tomorrow to monitor again. But for now, I’m thankful that all is fine. Waiting for my turn at the clinic. 

I shan’t complain. Look at the bright side of things. I had peaceful rest. I had a lot of time praying yday. God is in control. 

Made of water

These days, my tear ducts seem to be working in overdrive mode that even little little things would start me on a drizzle and slightly bigger things into a thunderstorm.. 

Like how it happened yday when william suddenly decided to ask his mom to stay for lunch and dinner in view of Mother’s Day. The initial plan was to celebrate Mother’s Day with her for lunch and send her home, before we go out for our own dinner as a family of 5. The logical me understood why he wanna do that and I’m fine with it. Really. I didn’t show a black face or was pissed with him. 

Abt 3plus, while everyone was enjoying their tv, I told william that I was sleepy and wanna go get a nap. But once I went into the room, my tear ducts went into overdrive mode and I just kept crying and crying .. omg .. something that I kept telling myself to stop. And even after grace came in, I couldn’t stop. She was concerned why I was crying and I had to tell her that I was having a headache. Like I know she’s in the room so all the more I should stop, but I can’t ! The tears kept going and going, until william got to know of it. And we weren’t even quarrelling over anything ! 

He didn’t say anything and gave me a hug. And send his mom home after the movie ended. I told him I’m fine and I understand why. I just needed time to process and stop my tears. But he says it’s fine. In the end, I cried to sleep with a blocked nose and only woke up after he came back. We went for dinner as per arranged. 

I hope that my emotions would come back after confinement. It does seem that the hormones are on overdrive this pregnancy. Even though the reasons for the  emotional me during T1 and now are entirely different. Now I don’t even know what’s happening.. omg 😱 

Anyway, I’ve decided to take a break and enjoy the rest of the time I have before the baby arrive. Not doing much work except admin or some little follow ups etc.. going to do exams prep with the twins. We went thru 1 set of exam papers for each subject thus far, and I know there’s a lot more revision that needs to be done. 

Hopefully, our relationship doesn’t end after mid terms.. lol.. 

went to gynae on sat. I’m officially week 36 and baby is estimated at 3kg. I would b full term by 15/5 and 17 days more to the scheduled c sec date, if baby is cooperative. 

I guess one can never be overly prepared for his arrival. But when it comes, I’m comforted that I have william by my side to go thru it all.  Thankful that baby is kicking well and active, even though it means sleep is an issue. 

Praying that the delivery will b smooth, the logistics would b fine, and the girls would welcome our family member.

Week 31

Just finished watching Titanic on Disney+.. bad idea, considering that the man is going cruise on Sunday with his mom. 

I’ve been trying to control my emotions, seriously. But tonight it probably hit me (hard) that he’s really going to be away in less than 48hrs.. the firstborn commented that how I’m going to cope for the next few days with me + the twins all by myself ... (she will be staying over at my moms place) I’m not sure how, but I guess it’s good time bonding with the twins before baby comes. I do have a few appts coming week, but I guess I’ll be able to manage it. After all, uncle would b back by wed noon.. 

I would be at week 31 tomorrow, 6 more weeks to full term. Hoping that we could push the baking to a little bit further if possible. The nearer to school hols, the less complicated the logistics would be. Time seems to fly past so fast to be honest. I do feel much hotter now. Thankfully, my feet are still mine, swelling hasn’t come in fully yet. I still have a belly button, I thought it would popped if I’m expecting a boy, but it didn’t leh.. hahaha.. guess I’m one of those that wouldn’t know how it feels. I definitely feel a lot of his kicks nowadays, and I’m thankful for that. 

Went to touch up my hair recently to pamper myself before I can no longer move. 

Trying to do some work here and there as well as wrap up whatever urgent / outstanding stuff on my hands. As much as I had wanted to rest for the year, I’m reminded by my wonderful friends that I shouldn’t. Not becoz I can’t afford, but becoz work gives me sanity. I couldn’t agree more. And so it shall be. I’ll work bits here and there, do a little bit of mentoring (when needed) and trust that God will be with me in this exciting journey. 

I’m thankful that I have this life inside of me now. In my wildest dream, I wouldn’t think it’s possible. Even now, there are days when I ask myself, if I’m really pregnant? Or am I in a dream? But since this is a gift from God, I will abide in His will and enjoy this journey. It’s nice to b able to just bake, and not worry abt anything. And I should enjoy this moment. 😊

Week 28

Finally it’s week 28, the start of the 3rd trimester. Everything seems so fast yet so slow at the same time! I can’t wait to deliver, to be honest but my friends have reminded me that it would mean the start of many sleepless nights, crazy logistics and breastfeeding woes. “I must have forgotten that phrase of life” they say, which I don’t deny. Everything seems hazy and gone in a blur. Or maybe I’m an optimistic at this moment. It can’t be that bad, managing 1 newborn, 2 sweet twins plus 1 turbulent teen?? I’m not sure, but God is with us, til the ends of our time. 

It’s exciting, and I’m counting down to the last 9-11 weeks. We’ve gotten most of the items (I think) and besides the food items plus washing of bb clothes, I think we are there. 

Probably I’ll list down some of the symptoms I’m going thru now..

1) contractions 

- this is the first pregnancy that I’ve experienced (false) contractions or Braxton Hicks. It’s kinda interesting to feel something different despite being my 3rd pregnancy.

2) movement 

- baby J has started to kick, sometimes quite intensely. I’m trying to see if I could record a video of it bcoz sometimes I felt that I could almost feel my tummy do a double bounce! Hahaha

3) physical 

- my legs have started to swell just a little, which I’m thankful for bcoz I rem the last 2 pregnancies, the feet always swell so much by now that nothing would b able to make me more comfortable.

- I’ve started to feel a bit of pelvic pain since last week, which probably comes with the weight gain etc. I’m alrdy thankful that I’m only feeling the pain (now) bcoz I rem with the twins I was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk/sleep pretty early in the pregnancy term. 

- my current weight is 85.3kg. I’ve gain a total of 12kg.. probably reach 17-20 by the end of the term. I took so long to hit the 70s but it’s so easy to gain back.. not sure if I would even be able to lose that eventually. We shall see. 

- physically I do feel more tired. I’m trying to finish all my work outstanding now and not fix any crazy schedule by end of mar. That’s what I always say but i always end up having 3-4 appts a day recently .. hahaha.. thankful that william has been super supportive and driving me to the Appts. 

4) Appetite

- I’m still crazy into carbs and atas bread.. lol.. been eating a lot of sourdough lately.. baby is clearly papa’s taste buds. I’m just praying that when baby leaves me, he brings his taste buds along with him ! I miss my clean eating .. hahahah.. 

5) Ligation?

- william and I went thru this discussion recently. R we really done with kids? I guess so. Have told the gynae to do it together with the c sec. but on the other hand, making it irreversible always make me fearful. But yes, I guess we are done. I’m afraid I chickened out of this and risk having #5!! Hahahah.. I’m a confused woman not knowing what I want.. hahaha

That’s all for now I guess. Thankful for this gift from God. It wouldn’t have been possible without Him. This is a miracle baby from Him. And I need to remember that’s all that matters.

Going for our baby moon next week.. haha..just a short staycation for both of us while the girls are at grandma’s. Looking forward!

My favourite bible verses

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.2-4.niv

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:26-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.26-27.niv

These are my 2 most favourite bible verses and every time I’m out of options, I’ll go back to them and pray that God is with me, as He continues to mould me into a better person. 

Have been feeling emo emo recently and a friend reminded me that God will never give me more than I could handle. How true that is. How beautiful it is, to be reminded by angel-liked friends! 

Just gotten reminded to completely surrender to God, and that no extra ounce of fear would be able to change/help in any situation. 

Joy is going thru a phrase now, similar to what my sister went thru when I was expecting Joy. Looking at Joy now, reminds me of how Sharon didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy journey at all. She refused to carry Joy at birth and even when she became a toddler. As time passes, there were times when Joy asked me if her aunt hated her. Coz even the toddler her then, could sense it. I couldn’t understand and didn’t have the courage / wisdom to broach the topic. And now, I see history repeating itself again. Coincidentally both of them have the same dob and the same age gap. 

It got quite into me seeing Joy's indifferent attitude, that it was eating me alive. I wanted to confront her, yet I know that would only make things worse. I want to give her time and space to move forward, but would we eventually see light at the tunnel? What if, no amt of time and space would make her move forward? What is going thru her mind? Why is it that she can be so warm and enthuastic talking about her church/school life in one moment, and change to cold/indifferent immediately, when we asked if she would wanna come for the gynae check up? Would the twins become like that too when Baby J is finally here? 

Those questions bothered me for a few days, but I decided that enough was enough. I took a deep breath, and was reminded that our God is here, and He will never give me a task too big for me. I just need to focus my attention on Him, and everything will fall in place. Rather than be negatively affected by the teenager's attitude, I will believe that God will soften her heart in His perfect timing, and that each challenge is a lesson for us to learn something.

Swimming #2

Back to swimming again. I really hope this swimming streak can last til may.. hahaha.. 

Went to the gynae yday and was shocked that I’ve gained 3 kg in 5weeks!! Omg! It’s too much to handle and I’m back to clean eating again. Not the strict strict kind but the intent is just to remove all the sugary drinks out of my diet. Been over indulging in myself and removing all boundaries.. lol..  

This was my food diary yday. By late afternoon I was feeling restless and emo. My body is missing the sugar cravings. But for the sake of a healthier baby and me, yeah, we shall do it 1 step at a time . My goal isn’t to lose weight, but to control the exponential weight gain so that baby wouldn’t end up being too big before delivery, or me having gestational diabetes again. 

Striving to be a better me! 22 weeks passed, 16 more to go. 

Entering week 22

This is me and my buns at week 22. I feel that I look more pregnant than my weeks count. I think irregardless of gender, I always look BIG when I’m pregnant..hahah.. gonna enjoy this pregnant look bcoz this is really going to be our last bun!

Went for our detailed scan last week and everything is in order. Baby is still there and it’s a boy as confirmed. Lol.. I don’t know why but everything still seems like a dream to me and up til the scan, I still didn’t feel like announcing the pregnancy news for fear that I would lose my child. Yes, despite the “Trust in the Lord with all yr heart....”

Some updates on me and my pregnancy journey:

1) Cravings 

- it’s definitely william taste buds this time round. I’ve been eating so much carbs over the last few mths then the whole of my 2yrs of slimming journey. Dinner last night was carbonara with lotsa potato wedges while a typical breakfast nowadays would either be mee rebus or Bak chou mee or prata. 

Believe me, I’ve tried to eat healthier or cleaner but nothing makes me happier more than carbs.. sigh.. I told william that this pregnancy has pushed all my boundaries everywhere. Right now, my goal is just to press on til week 38, then when baby is out, hopefully my own taste buds would finally be back. And we will try work out the losing weight part then..

2) Baby movement 

- He’s definitely starting to kick more at nights. Just yday, Vera was delighted to feel his kick before she went to bed. And can I say that Vera has been so sweet to me these few weeks. She has been insisting that I do my meds every day and reading to him at nights etc. Suddenly our little princess doesn’t seem so little any more! 

Grace would write notes to remind me if I was home late so that I would still come back and take them.. I feel so spoilt by their love suddenly! These are moments when I don’t mind having another kid but we never know how the dynamics would b when the baby is here eventually.

Another photo of me looking overly pregnant.. lol

3) baby shopping

- we have gotten more or less all our baby stuff. I just need to decide which breast pump I’m going to get. I’ve shortlisted the spectra s1 but now I can’t quite decide if I should get the parallel imported one (with no warranty) or the local set which cost double but has with 2 yrs warranty. William says I should just get a local set coz he doesn’t want any repair problems to sprout up subsequently. And it’s not like we couldn’t afford it. Yes, he’s slightly pissed that I’m wasting my brain cells mulling over this $100-$200 issue. He says I should just use the time to zz or concentrate on my work. Fair enough. But What happened to the man that used to shop at 3 different supermarkets comparing the prices for his groceries ! Hahahahaha.. it’s funny how much we both have changed since our single hood days!

4) Delivery plans

- I’ve finally come to terms that we are doing a c sec, not trying a VBAC becoz the gynae and PD both discouraged it. My Pd says to pop more painkillers after birth if I really feel extricating pain rather than risk a ruptured uterus. Oh well, I guess this is it la.. to do a c-sec plus I could also clipped my tubes in the same procedure. And I really should be clipping them right ? 

5) Sleepless nights

- it comes occasionally like today. Woke up at 4am thinking abt the pump and couldn’t go back to zzz. Thus I started this entry. Praying that I have better sleep especially since tomorrow is a long day for us. 

6) Constipation 

- I thought with carbs eating, I would be less constipated. Prune juice worked for 4 weeks but I could feel that it’s losing it’s effect. Where does all the food go to if it doesn’t come out ?

7) Binge watching 

- I’ve been binge watching past seasons of Sex and the City ever since I found them on MeWATCH! Lol.. they used to b so popular last time! It was good to catch on them after a hectic January work schedule. There’s only 2 kinds of me - the >20 appts a week Lena or the no appts kind. There isn’t any in between.. lol.. I like the adrenaline rush when it’s 20 appts yet I end up so exhausted after that. So generally I try to work 2 weeks and clear all outstanding on week 3 and rest completely on week 4. I hope this new schedule works.. hahahaha

Think I better go try catch some zzz. I can’t believe that it’s 5am now ! Omg .. and I probably still wanna go Lor mee with william later at 7am! 

God, I pray that You guide us in every step of this exciting journey. I know this is You working in us. I pray that You strengthen me whenever I feel weak. God, thank u for all ur blessings . In Jesus name I pray, amen !

“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭16:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/pro.16.3.niv

Just a little update abt what happened this morning ..after having my Lor mee for bf, mr choo dragged me to baby hypermart saying that he wanna show me another pram that he was considering. I was like .. “what!?” Why do we need another one ? 

Hadn’t we just bought the Mac claren, which is still in a box, just 2 weeks ago? I mean yes this is the lightweight yet sturdy 1 hand close pram going at $199 only, but the thing is we don’t need two prams when we only have 1 baby!? Lol.. I was bemused coz u could see from his eyes that he was seriously considering it. I didn’t know how to say no. Granted that even if we have 2 prams, it’s still way cheaper compared to the one pram that some of my friends are having.

In the end, he snapped out of it and decided one was enough. Lol..like a little boy who didnt manage to get a puppy for a pet.. recording down so that I can remember his excitement.

Weekend

The little one is at week 21 and the size of a large banana. My tummy has started to expand and I’m more comfortable in maternity clothes than ever before. Ever since we know the gender, Vera has been extremely thoughtful towards me..lol.. as it is I’m currently lying on her lap, listening to her read me stories to me and the little one. She’s also the one who makes sure I eat my day and night meds everyday, drinks my prune juice and let me rest whenever possible. On some days, I’m so thankful and blessed for the extra love showered.. hahaha

Going for our detailed scan tomorrow.. being the 4th child, I’m less anxious abt going for the scans. I try to delay / extend them by a bit bit so that we wouldn’t need spend so much on scans.. hahaha.. it just didn’t feel as necessary. 

Have settled the pram, cot, uv sterializer, bb tubs and some clothes. We were surprised not to find Maclaren prams at the bb fair and a check with some friends and I realize that it’s no longer a popular brand. The features most parents look for prams are : reversible facing, lightweight and 1 hand close which explains why Maclaren isn’t a popular option. It was definitely one of ours and uncle choo was delighted to find it still available at the old bb hypermart shop we used to go .. hahaha.. and at a fraction of its hayday price as well! 

Oh well, I guess we are just old school la.. haha and since he’s the main user, it really didn’t matter to me personally which pattern he gets. I probably sling the baby if I’m going out with him by myself.. hahaha

The state of our house is in a mess now, with baby items and clutter etc which uncle pig says will be cleared before cny. I really hope so. 

Lunch at sushiro today, a surprise treat for the girls coz they missed the Japanese sushi when we were in Hokkaido. Beautiful weekend.

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭55:22‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/psa.55.22.niv

Time alone with God

 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.5.niv

When I look back at the emotional rollercoasters I had during my first trimester, I didn’t know what came to me. Why I had behaved the way I did, or why my thoughts were always clouded with negativity and pessimism. I’m thankful for the support I received from my family and friends who knew I was struggling. I’m sorry that they had to put up with my nonsense and when I said nonsense, it’s really terrible nonsense. 

Coming into 19th week of my pregnancy, I’m a lot better now; be it emotionally or physically. I’ve started to do some work as well as trying to do my TAWG again. 

I’m fearful of what lies ahead, especially if I would fall back into the post natal depression pit. Thus I’m trying to record all these little victories so that when the time comes, I would b ready. Praying that God grant me wisdom to overcome my challenges, that I wouldn’t be consumed by my own self when the battles come. Praying that I always stay rooted in His word and remembering that He is with me in every step of my journey, in Jesus name I pray, amen! 

P/s: meeting a couple of friends for lunch this week.. yeah ! Happy moments 

Week 13 update

Taken at week 12 during Oscar scan 

To be honest, when I went for the scan last week, I was (pleasantly) surprised that the heartbeat is still beating. I was certain 小豆豆 had left bcoz I suffered some cramps just a few days before..but I didn't want to cause any panic to william and kept quiet. 

Each time my friends ask me, my usual reply would b " baby is still here .. (thankfully)" .. they think I'm joking and not being serious. But to be honest, I'm not confident. I hear too many stories and probably do too many claims to know that being able to deliver thr baby at full term without complications is no mean feat. And I just wanna be thankful for each day that 小豆豆 is still here with me. 

I'm thankful also for the sweetest friends I have.. friends who send sweet messages to comfort me when I'm down; friends who send surprise snacks over for me to tide my hunger/ cravings.. I felt so loved during this pregnancy. And I know I'm blessed. I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can, but it aren't easy either.. 😆 

Well below are my pregnancy symptoms 

1) Morning sickness / nausea 

- its finally settling down..or probably I've caught the pattern.. I know that a good 姜母茶 wil help me if im really feeling terrible. And I try to eat every 2-3 hrs just to make sure the stomach isn't empty

2) work

- I've started to work a bit..yeah.. else at this rate I wil feel so useless.. lol.. bit by bit but ill get there 

3) exercise 

- I did some swimming with the twins yday. It was good to have some energy to spend time with them; doing what they like..instead of always cooping at home. Hopefully I can get back to exercising more 

4) weight gain 

I've gain abt 3kg since the start of this pregnancy 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I kbow that William and joy has gained 6 and 4kg respectively.. lol..not sure abt the twins.. at this rate william going to gain back what he has shed ! Lol.. 

5) Cravings 

- this is definitely William's taste bugs..lol..food that i previously would never eat, have since brought me joy when I was 🤢

While milk like my fav korean banana milk..I haven't been able to drink it anymore 😭

My favourite type of coffee is no longer dalgona or cappuccino but kopi O iced ! 

Each time william asked me what would I like for lunch / dinner, my typical reply back to him nowadays would b.. what would u like sir? Hahahaha.. 

Thankful for the sweet 🎁 that im carrying now..  praying that God pulls us thru it all this journey. Praying that I would try to face each day with positivity bocz P.A.C.E 

Entering week 11

If there was 1 thing that I worry since the start of my pregnancy - it is the fear of an old friend visiting me again - Depression. Its not a secret that we've fought many times ; there were a couple of times that I remembered that I felt so low that ending it all seems easier and of coz there were times I knew I overcame it. And I remember how I felt so overwhelmed when I first had joy; the sleepless nights; or the mum's guilt of succumbing to formula when she had servere jaundice..the post natal depression came in full force as if to join a party. 

N last week was a low... emotional low .. its either the fear or the queasy nausea that made me felt 😣 

And it made matter worse when I announced in one of my grp chats when one of the members asked an innocent qn of How's everyone.. I regretted instantaneously. Of coz with a pregnancy announcement, everyone was overjoyed / happy for me. But I was struggling. Struggling to even feel ok. And the distorted perceptions ( rem grace taught me abt P.A.C.E? But I felt more like N.A.C.E) 

And I got frustrated la.. when I was just honestly saying abt my fears.. fears of being a old mother; fears that #4 would grow up lonely or fears that we might not be around before #4 is of age etc .. n this group of friends simply went on and on abt how easy its gonna b now that my girls are much older and would b able to help; blah blah blah..or that the MS eventually would end etc..if its so easy, how come I don't see any of you having MORE KIDS ah!?? So easy to talk right, and one of them don't even wanna have kids lo.. argh.. unless one has been suffering from IF or miscarriage and thus decided not to have any more kids, then all of you should just shut up! Argh.. sorry just venting. I know they are just trying to b encouraging but its not convincing 🙄🙄🙄 and also bcoz my inner thoughts are having its own battles la.. whatever. 

And that sums up my past week. Battling demons. 

Today was a high though. I felt energetic enough; to clear some work and spend some time with Joy. Managed to have a hearty dinner too.. I do hope that more of such days would come as I approach T2. And more importantly, I hope that by the next time the old friend comes visiting, I would be better equipped to fight.

I know I should b happy that I have this 🎁 after praying and waiting for so long. But what if I'm not good enough? What if i didn't know better?

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.

James 5:13 NIV

https://james.bible/james-5-13

To eat or not..

I vomited big time last night.. right after I finish my sweet potato and sesame tangyuan supper. Thought everything was good but halfway thru brushing my teeth, I started to choke and the next thing I knew, my basin also became choked..lol.. 

William spend the next hr clearing the mess while I lay on bed. I actually felt better after the vomit episode.. lol..coz at least I don't feel so bloated and my whole tummy is clear... lol.. jm says it gets better with each experience and eventually I'll b able to catch when its going to happen etc..🤣🤣🤣

And that was last night. 

I'm laying on my bed for the last hr, thinking if i should get some supper.. and if so, what should I get? Lickers? Potato chips? Coz the man went for his massage and probably will only b back at 11ish..meaning if I want proper food, I need wait for another hr or so.. else ready food would b things like tidbits etc.. 

The twins doesn't have school tom so we are bringing them to Jalan jalan.. hopefully I have the strength and stamina.. maybe I should just go and zzz..😘

Entering week 10

My afternoon snack on the bed.. hasn't been able to move much without feeling nausea..n this warm cheese toast is sooooo good..hahaha..so thankful that I have uncle pig at home, who can whipped up anything I want. No matter how insane it is..hahhaha 

I'm finally entering week 10, 2 more weeks before I see 2nd trimester and hopefully some light at the tunnel. We went for our 2nd scan today. Gynae is happy that im having all the nauseaness.. he says it means that baby is growing well..😅😅😅

There are some days when I felt so bad that I just wanna cry but im good now. At least for today. The toast is great! I shall ask him to make it again when I feel 🤢

Thought I also record my pregnancy symptoms before my brains forget abt them.. not that I would ever need to refer to them again.. 

1) stretch marks 

- it has come since week 8..so fast this time round. J says bcoz with age, our body losses elasticity and thus the stretch marks come earlier.. not that it bothers me la.. 

2) Tiredness 

- this is huge probably bcoz of age ba..plus even for my previous 2 pregnancies, tiredness is always something I struggled with. But this time round its more guazhang..lol.. I didnt even have the stamina to change out of my pyjamas if I don't need to step out of house. Comfy clothes for outing is baggy t-shirt with william bums bcoz I cant fit into mine anymore😭😭😭 

Not to mention that earrings / assessories/ make up / contact lens are no longer essential..lol..  the queen only wants to lay on her bed and hatch her egg most of the time. 

3) smells 

- im v sensitive to smells now - as expected. I even managed to find the 1 lemon smell that has been lingering here and there that makes me wanna puke - a change in detergent few weeks ago. Seriously counting down to 2 more weeks and praying that things will finally get better 

4) favorite foods

this is the packet of sweets that's always in my bag now..Nice and refreshing..its ang moh sour plum which is palatable for me..

another one of my favourites...hahahah..this is soooooo good!

Ribena is still one of my favourites though when one has too much of it, its a bit too sickening..hahaha.. I'm difficult 

5) Appetite

- my appetite is still small with many different cravings.. which means the girls and uncle pig has been finishing my leftovers. At this rate, all 5 of us will grow bigger though there's only 1 preggie..hahaha.. 

6) pee breaks

- I drink a lot of water bcoz it washes the breath in me..and bcoz of that I wake up at least 3 times every night. Thankfully sleep has been good so far.. to which I'm thankful. 

7) work

- work has been easy these 2 weeks with only 1-2 appts per week..yeah.. im thankful that its wfh mostly..hahaha.. 

Week 9 Update

The last 2 weeks had been rough.. I had wanted to update earlier but I thought I wait til I'm less emo / blue before I do a check in.. and I guess it didn't happen. And so this is gonna b probably one of the more emo post.. 

I thought I could overcome the nauseaness by arranging more appts.. I had a total of 40 appts (zoom and f2f) over the last 2 weeks. N by the end of it, I was exhausted. Burnt out. I wanted to cry. I didnt know what I was doing. Why was I so hard on myself. Why don't I enjoy this pregnancy more and spend some time with the 3 girls instead of gorging on work!? I was either on the work desk, or resting on my bed in between breaks. I told J that I'm going to stop work for now. Stop fixing any more new appts. I told my boss that Im going to focus on just being a mama next yr as well.. though Angela says that she highly doubt so..🤣

I was thankful that it is finally November. My coming week is more relaxed, with some causal outings as well.

Besides the work burnt out, I was emo emo too.. there was once when I honestly resented being pregnant. It felt like when I was pregnant with joy. Happy yet disappointed. Blessed yet wished otherwise. I felt sad. Sometimes the emotions become so overwhelming that I cry alone at night. Coz I didnt want to appear being a wimp in front of william or the girls. There was only a task that was required of me. Rest and be well. And even that, seems so tough these days. 

I am reminded that I need God in my life, no matter how tired I am coz He is my strength and refuge. And I shall put my eyes on Him, as He path His ways til the end. 

In lighter news, 

I saw this on Joy hp today. This was probably in 2009 when we brought her to Tokyo Disney land. Omg. I was so fat! I always thought that its the IVF / twins pregnancy that made me ballooned but here, I was already a 🎈.. omg.. and yes, the fear of it happening again is real. I told William that probably we will forget the me now bcoz if we skip the 2019-2020 part, my size would remain a consistent upward trend. 

Where did the cute Joy go! 🤣🤣🤣 She's more like a sister now than a daughter. I honestly pray that #4 will b more like Joy and to be honest, am a little afraid if #4 takes after V*** 🙊🙊🙊

I do find this pregnancy very similar to my first pregnancy. The nausea; emos; tiredness etc.. I hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.. praying that the nauseaness will flee soon! Like pls..real soon

Random

Today grace taught me a phrase which she learnt from her favorite cartoons - P.A.C.E. 

P - Positive 

A - Attitude 

C - Changes 

E - Everything 

Wow..chim right.. I didnt know cartoons got so deep meanings..lol..its a good reminder for myself that whenever I'm frustrated with things / issues / 人, its the attitudes (myself) that will change things. 

Did a zoom a few days ago with a client turned friend and we were just chatting casually n how another client (common friend) is pregnant and gave me so much courage to continue on, despite challenges la. I commented that I'm worried abt my pregnancy bcoz of the various challenges as well as the back to square one compared to  auto pilot mode with the older kids. Then this client, told me that few mths ago, she found out she too, was pregnant. But they decided that, no, they had enough kids and she took the pill to end it. I was shocked. N it affected me a lot. Of coz, I know its their choice, not mine. And it probably take a lot of courage to do that too. But I just didn't know anyone personally who would terminate her pregnancy even though it was unplanned. It must have been the hormones, I was so sad by the news that I 😥 

Anyway I've digressed. Lol.. shall focus on positive attitudes and mindsets!! 

We managed to see 小豆豆 and the heartbeat on Monday! I told the BFFs that I'm officially pregnant..lol..they say I'm already pregnant.. didnt need wait for this to confirm. But I was worried that there might not b a heartbeat ma.. 

I ask the gynae if I could stop Duphaston but he says he would prefer if I tried taking some 🤣

These days I'm either feeling super tired or 🤢🤢🤢. Even work was a struggle that I had to reschedule 2 f2f appts in the end. Thankfully most of it were on zoom.

In happier news, ribena is my new found BFF..lol.. it makes me happy and brings me much comfort.. hahhaha..I told the twins that baby loves ribena for now and I hope that baby doesn't keep changing its taste buds.

Looking forward to 2nd trimester soon.. I can't wait to start shopping for baby stuff..hahah.. and welcome any hand me downs too! 

Entering 7 weeks..

Its the night just before our gynae appt tomorrow. I'm nervous. Would we be able to hear any heartbeat tomorrow or would we only be able to see a lifeless shell? 

I'm not sure. My heart is weak. I went back to read the pregnancy diary we recorded when we had twins and I also couldn't sleep well on the eve of their first ultrasound scan. 

It always seem so amazing that God had given us Grace and Vera; and now our 4th child. It seems like I'm in a dream and I'm afraid that I could wake up and realize everything is 一场空 .. You know some prayers that you just pray, but u never thought it would come true ? I don't quite remember when exactly or how long I've been quietly praying/ wishing for a 4th child, but probably on nights when I'm too free (I guess), I just speak to God and reminded Him about my wish..lol.. and if it is in His will, then yes it will come to pass. 

Anyway don't really know what I'm babbling abt.. hopefully I will b able to catch some sleep soon.. have 2 work appts in the midst of the gynae appt and tonnes of outstanding to follow up.. 

Thankful for God's grace in our household; thankful for the friends who have been very supportive of this pregnancy n most importantly thankful for uncle pig for always tolerating my nuisance.  

Pregnancy diary

I finally found out the real reason behind the extreme nausea -

That explains why I've been feeling so nausea so early in the pregnancy! Omg! And how did I realize that? 

I felt so good on wed for the first time..light nausea (if u know what I mean) and I thought mayb it meant that my nausea has peaked earlier.. but only to have it come back on over drive on thur. Then I realize the only reason to explain was not bcoz work was a distraction but more of I was so overwhelmed with work that I had forgotten my medication.. hahahahaha.. and the moment I take those meds again, the old friend comes visiting again 🤣

I'm glad at least the mystery is solved.. that I'm not being over drama or emo but bcoz the meds is making me 🤢🤢🤢

I called the clinic and pushed the appt to mon..hopefully after the appt I can drop the medication with pleading 🥺  and perhaps my gynae will have mercy on me.. I know he's just being cautious by prescribing me the meds but oh well..we shall see..

Fat Hippo

Went for a swim this morning.  Badly needed the extra dose of endorphins and an activity to burn some of the excessive calories.

this is how I feel of myself in recent days - big, clumsy and irritable. 

The nausea has gotten worse and mr Google says that it usually peaks on week 7-8 before coming down at week 10-12. But I've been feeling so extreme even at week 5-6. I've tried eating so many different kinds of foods / drinks and even "happy food" but none could help remove it. 🤣🤣🤣 Joy commented that I'm being a drama mama when I'm barely weeks into the course.. how was I to continue the rest of the journey? 🤷‍♀️ Seriously I have no idea... 

Then there were 2 mummies that I know, who vomited from the start til the end, and went on to have 3 kids each! 

I admire and respect them so much! I probably won't dare to have a 2nd one if the same applies to me. I'm praying that this too shall pass, FAST.  

The 2nd thing that I noticed abt this pregnancy is the tiredness. I guess it comes with age. I certainly felt it a lot more this time round, even worse compared to carrying the twins. If anything, the girls have been v understanding for my lack of participation at home, for which I'm thankful for. 

I'm trying to take charge of my own emotions - to not let it overwhelm me and wallow in depression. I told J that work has been a good distraction from all the emo emo.. instead of looking at everything in a gloomy mood, I shall remember that nothing else matters except that this is a gift from God. It doesn't matter that when #4 starts p1, the twins would b doing their O levels or the fact that we wouldn't b able to enrol #4 in the same school under phrase 1; or the fact that we need to re-buy all the baby essentials nearer the date.. it all doesn't matter. I just need to remember that God has given this precious gift and I should enjoy this special moment *even if it doesn't last* 

Looking forward to 22nd October when we would b doing the ultrasound scans. 

Bible verse

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

1 Chronicles 16:11‭-‬12 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/1ch.16.11-12.NIV

Thankful for this verse today when I start to doubt and fear of having a miscarriage. I guess its better to fill up my mind with appts then let it b empty and negative thoughts enter. 

Managed to fix abt 15 appts in the coming weeks. Hopefully i have the stamina to run thru all of them. I guess its better to have appts now considering that I would b out of action for a while next yr.