Random

Today grace taught me a phrase which she learnt from her favorite cartoons - P.A.C.E. 

P - Positive 

A - Attitude 

C - Changes 

E - Everything 

Wow..chim right.. I didnt know cartoons got so deep meanings..lol..its a good reminder for myself that whenever I'm frustrated with things / issues / 人, its the attitudes (myself) that will change things. 

Did a zoom a few days ago with a client turned friend and we were just chatting casually n how another client (common friend) is pregnant and gave me so much courage to continue on, despite challenges la. I commented that I'm worried abt my pregnancy bcoz of the various challenges as well as the back to square one compared to  auto pilot mode with the older kids. Then this client, told me that few mths ago, she found out she too, was pregnant. But they decided that, no, they had enough kids and she took the pill to end it. I was shocked. N it affected me a lot. Of coz, I know its their choice, not mine. And it probably take a lot of courage to do that too. But I just didn't know anyone personally who would terminate her pregnancy even though it was unplanned. It must have been the hormones, I was so sad by the news that I 😥 

Anyway I've digressed. Lol.. shall focus on positive attitudes and mindsets!! 

We managed to see 小豆豆 and the heartbeat on Monday! I told the BFFs that I'm officially pregnant..lol..they say I'm already pregnant.. didnt need wait for this to confirm. But I was worried that there might not b a heartbeat ma.. 

I ask the gynae if I could stop Duphaston but he says he would prefer if I tried taking some 🤣

These days I'm either feeling super tired or 🤢🤢🤢. Even work was a struggle that I had to reschedule 2 f2f appts in the end. Thankfully most of it were on zoom.

In happier news, ribena is my new found BFF..lol.. it makes me happy and brings me much comfort.. hahhaha..I told the twins that baby loves ribena for now and I hope that baby doesn't keep changing its taste buds.

Looking forward to 2nd trimester soon.. I can't wait to start shopping for baby stuff..hahah.. and welcome any hand me downs too! 

Entering 7 weeks..

Its the night just before our gynae appt tomorrow. I'm nervous. Would we be able to hear any heartbeat tomorrow or would we only be able to see a lifeless shell? 

I'm not sure. My heart is weak. I went back to read the pregnancy diary we recorded when we had twins and I also couldn't sleep well on the eve of their first ultrasound scan. 

It always seem so amazing that God had given us Grace and Vera; and now our 4th child. It seems like I'm in a dream and I'm afraid that I could wake up and realize everything is 一场空 .. You know some prayers that you just pray, but u never thought it would come true ? I don't quite remember when exactly or how long I've been quietly praying/ wishing for a 4th child, but probably on nights when I'm too free (I guess), I just speak to God and reminded Him about my wish..lol.. and if it is in His will, then yes it will come to pass. 

Anyway don't really know what I'm babbling abt.. hopefully I will b able to catch some sleep soon.. have 2 work appts in the midst of the gynae appt and tonnes of outstanding to follow up.. 

Thankful for God's grace in our household; thankful for the friends who have been very supportive of this pregnancy n most importantly thankful for uncle pig for always tolerating my nuisance.  

Pregnancy diary

I finally found out the real reason behind the extreme nausea -

That explains why I've been feeling so nausea so early in the pregnancy! Omg! And how did I realize that? 

I felt so good on wed for the first time..light nausea (if u know what I mean) and I thought mayb it meant that my nausea has peaked earlier.. but only to have it come back on over drive on thur. Then I realize the only reason to explain was not bcoz work was a distraction but more of I was so overwhelmed with work that I had forgotten my medication.. hahahahaha.. and the moment I take those meds again, the old friend comes visiting again 🤣

I'm glad at least the mystery is solved.. that I'm not being over drama or emo but bcoz the meds is making me 🤢🤢🤢

I called the clinic and pushed the appt to mon..hopefully after the appt I can drop the medication with pleading 🥺  and perhaps my gynae will have mercy on me.. I know he's just being cautious by prescribing me the meds but oh well..we shall see..

Fat Hippo

Went for a swim this morning.  Badly needed the extra dose of endorphins and an activity to burn some of the excessive calories.

this is how I feel of myself in recent days - big, clumsy and irritable. 

The nausea has gotten worse and mr Google says that it usually peaks on week 7-8 before coming down at week 10-12. But I've been feeling so extreme even at week 5-6. I've tried eating so many different kinds of foods / drinks and even "happy food" but none could help remove it. 🤣🤣🤣 Joy commented that I'm being a drama mama when I'm barely weeks into the course.. how was I to continue the rest of the journey? 🤷‍♀️ Seriously I have no idea... 

Then there were 2 mummies that I know, who vomited from the start til the end, and went on to have 3 kids each! 

I admire and respect them so much! I probably won't dare to have a 2nd one if the same applies to me. I'm praying that this too shall pass, FAST.  

The 2nd thing that I noticed abt this pregnancy is the tiredness. I guess it comes with age. I certainly felt it a lot more this time round, even worse compared to carrying the twins. If anything, the girls have been v understanding for my lack of participation at home, for which I'm thankful for. 

I'm trying to take charge of my own emotions - to not let it overwhelm me and wallow in depression. I told J that work has been a good distraction from all the emo emo.. instead of looking at everything in a gloomy mood, I shall remember that nothing else matters except that this is a gift from God. It doesn't matter that when #4 starts p1, the twins would b doing their O levels or the fact that we wouldn't b able to enrol #4 in the same school under phrase 1; or the fact that we need to re-buy all the baby essentials nearer the date.. it all doesn't matter. I just need to remember that God has given this precious gift and I should enjoy this special moment *even if it doesn't last* 

Looking forward to 22nd October when we would b doing the ultrasound scans. 

Bible verse

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

1 Chronicles 16:11‭-‬12 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/1ch.16.11-12.NIV

Thankful for this verse today when I start to doubt and fear of having a miscarriage. I guess its better to fill up my mind with appts then let it b empty and negative thoughts enter. 

Managed to fix abt 15 appts in the coming weeks. Hopefully i have the stamina to run thru all of them. I guess its better to have appts now considering that I would b out of action for a while next yr. 

Fresh start

After sleeping thru1 night n letting the news settle down, I'm finally at peace and ready to move forward. 

I'm pregnant. 

4.5weeks to be exact. Did I expect it? No, of coz not. Especially after being infertile for ~10yrs,  I certainly didn't see it coming. But the signs were there. The short burst of temper when the girls misbehave; me nitpicking on william or me irritated with my clients endless qn - I thought it was signs of PMS. I told the BFFs and we all concluded that my period must b coming. I waited and still it didn't come. 

I told my mama and she laughed at me. Coz it was only 4weeks since my last period, though I told her that I'm now on a 3 weeks cycle.  She says it could b early menopause and the system decided to go on leave..🤣

Nevertheless I decided to get the kit coz i have a drinking session the next day and I just wanted to drink safely. 

And there, my world paused. To be honest, the first thoughts were confusion and fear. I would b 40 next yr and william 50. I'm going to b a 高龄产妇. Yes there were days when I wanted a 4th child, but there were MORE days when we concluded that baby rearing days are over. 

The initial fears 😨 include:

- how would the girls react? Joy and Grace had explicitly rejected that idea several times

- is baby going to be healthy? If not, would we be prepared to continue?

- how is the pregnancy going to b like? How do i cope with working and the tiredness

- with the new addition, it also means changing house and car; and probably needing to buy so many baby things again. 

- we probably be the oldest parents at the PTC or school meetings.

- would i go back to the heavyweight i was ?😱

- why isn't william showing me any response. He was literally quiet and sorry after I broke the news to him. 

That was also when I cried buckets and buckets. I felt that no one loved me or my 小豆豆。J and JM comforted me and assured me. We all concluded that my emo came back in over drive mode..lol.. 

What a night. 

The next day, I cancelled my cupping sessions. Yes I had just kickstarted back again due to the lack of exercise working from home..

I thought i would b able to complete all my sessions finally and b in the 60s ! 😂

I guess God has other plans. N no matter what happens, He would stay on course with me and guide me at each baby step. 

I called my gynae and the nurse says that his usual practice is to arrange a blood test first and start on Duphaston. This is unusual for me bcoz I just wanted to see the baby! Like now..lol..went for the blood test that afternoon and my gynae called back on Saturday. 

The HCL levels were good, it corresponds with the number of weeks I'm pregnant. (4.5weeks) Bcoz its so early in the pregnancy, he suggest an appt 3 weeks later. And in the mean time, I shall continue with the D tablets and get some folic acid. 

Will take this one step at a time. Will treasure the days when 小豆豆 is still with me and we will overcome each obstacle as they come.. i know some people would find it patang to say it so early. But I know God will b with us in each and every step and may this b a diary for us to look back next time.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

2 Peter 1:3 NIV

https://2peter.bible/2-peter-1-3

Day 1

Lord , you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.

Isaiah 25:1 NIV

https://isaiah.bible/isaiah-25-1

Feeling emo and confused.. and saw this on my bible app..and its so apt.. 

God, I dunno how I will be able to go thru this journey but I will trust and have faith in You, and You will never give me something too big for u to carry. And will be with me always. 

The emo kid in me is raining buckets but I will be better tomorrow. Just need to let the thoughts sink in first. 

God, be with me and cover me thru this exciting times. I know my God is the Almighty and nothing is too big for him to handle.