Family time

We went to Gardens by the Bay two nights ago..had wanted to bring the girls to the skywalk coz Joy has been asking for it for some time. And the last time we came over, it was closed for maintainence. 

It was beautiful, the lights and mid autumn decorations. We had to queue for about half an hr before it was our time to go up. 

We took many many selfies while waiting in the queue, and this is one of them.. Vera and her 鬼脸😜 

The twins sitting at the entrance of the queue, while waiting for us to reach. 看着她们的背影, 这是的我感觉到欣慰。我们终于熬过来了。虽然小时候的她们终是打个你死我活,现在的她们已经变成了好姐妹, at least for this moment in time. 😊

至少我还可以跟老公一起拍个照。。看他一头的白发。。他说不要染以为这样会看起来比较老, 我看起来比较年轻。。🤣🤣

The scenery while we were on the sky bridge.. it's beautiful isn't it? Thankful that we are living in this beautiful country, with good governance and stability. Thankful that we have the chance to appreciate what's around us, and spend time with the kids, not busying with whatsnot.. time to love the kids and not breathing down their necks to do homework etc...

May we always have time to appreciate the things in life, to teach the girls the purpose of life.. 

P/s: by the time we came down the sky bridge, it was too crowded and the kids started to fuss abt everything.. abt the hot weather, that they are hungry etc.. 🤣🤣🤣

Guess we still need some fine-tuning.. hahahaha...

Holiday..yes? No?

Mr choo texted me this afternoon telling me that it's Deepawali on 18th, and asked if I knew about it, to which I said yes.

Only after coming home did i finally pierce the jigsaw together. I told him, Omg! So it means joy has no school from 18th all the way to 24th!?? He gave me a puzzled-i thought u know look.. haha... I told him tt yes i knew 18th was a ph, and the kids are don't have school from 19-24th (psle marking day), but I just didn't connect them together..  🤣🤣🤣

That means it's a long week of break ! And since it's the off peak, a holiday would be kinda discounted yeah.. checked out the SQ  tickets to HK and it's like $250/pax!! So cheap! My mind was like already calculating the estimated cost for this and that etc.. I know right.. for someone just declare that she doesn't like travelling.. what am i doing!?? Well, exactly bcoz I don't like travelling, so doing it at a discount off peak season sounds more sensible than doing it smack in the super peak Dec hols..

But joy isn't keen at all..hahaha.. Coz she would have her major exams right after the extended hols and she wants to revise... argh.. I even thought of the different permutations like she could bring her textbooks along, or we could go without her, or William could juz bring twins etc..coz twins nv went on a holiday without joy while joy has been to countless trips without them..lol.. but won't that be too evil ?! And too discouraging? Like nv support her for her exams revisions like that.. I was more keen on papa bring twins while I stay behind with joy .. haha..though the main reason why we always like going to HK is bcoz some of our closest friends are there and we haven't met for several yrs.. 

So yes the struggle / temptation is real..  but I guess no, we are not going.. not bcoz I believe in the whole - muz focus on revision story; (im sure thr kid needs a break in thr midst of thr revision right..)

but simply bcoz we should stay tog as a family la and I need to save up .. hahahah..

On DSA...

Had a bbq gathering with some friends and their families over the weekend and during the gathering, I was commenting that Joy would be having a hectic schedule this Sep holidays bcoz she has trainings and needed to be in school 3 times a week. And if she got selected to be in the school team, her 2018 Q1 would b packed crazy with training and trainings. I told the group that although I was glad that she has some exercises in this new CCA, but i won't mind if she doesn't make it to school team. It would mean more time to breathe, be it for her or for the family. One mummy, who also happens to be the tutor of the host's kid frown on my comments. She said that it's crucial that she (joy) make it to school team, so that she could have a shot to DSA subsequently. 

My reply to that was simple. My family don't believe in DSA. Entry to the secondary school should be by merit. Why stress the child by putting her in a school where the results are vastly different? Surprise surprise..  then began a long debate on whether we are our child's roadblock by not giving her the options that she would otherwise be entitled to. To be honest, it is not uncommon for parents to splurge on trainings (badminton/table tennis/swimming) in an attempt that their kids would b the leader of that CCA and thus a shot at the secondary school of their choice. My bro-in law told us that he regretted not hiring top notch coaches for his daughter so that she could b in the DSA program and reminded us not to let slip such an opportunity. 

I guess to say our house view is one of the minority is a huge understatement. My view on this is simple. If all the other kids were already traveling at 100km/hr, and my child is at her own pace at 50km/hr, what good would it serves her? She would lose confidence, always feeling the sense of not being good enough and ultimately lose interest in her studies. The irony would be when she has to drop the sport bcoz she can't cope with her studies. And I'm not sure if the school would stil want to keep her as a student, coz it would pull down the overall aggregate of the school performance too. A check with a client ,who is a teacher in a reputable secondary school, reaffirms that our views are rare and many a times, much appreciated. Phew! 

I guess it is hard not to follow the majority. Be it the coaches or the tuition. Joy was telling me this morning that in P5, she would need to stay back for enrichment classes on Tues and Thurs (apparently it's compulsory for all P5s! If so, why can't it be inside the curriculum schedule) and if she happens to be taking higher Chinese, then she will need to stay back on Mon. Weds and  Fris would be if she make it to the school team. I shudder to hear that she is going to be staying in school for such long hrs come 2018. Then when is the kid going to be able to play ? And that's not counting the amount of tuition and homework a typical school going kid has !! 

I asked joy if it would be a gd idea to drop her Chinese tuition next yr, if she is going to take higher Chinese. Then the Mon extra class offered by school could double up as free tuition..hahahaha... the competitive her says that she would prefer to keep the tuition for now. Coz as it is, she is the only P4 that she knows in her class who isn't having tuition on all 4 subjects. Seriously!??

That is why they say that tuition in Singapore is a billion dollar biz.. and sometimes you question if that's the right thing to do - not giving Joy more tuition. If the best student in Joy's class is also having it for all 4 subjects, then surely we should do so for her yah? Why? Why then aren't we doing so?

Seriously I think there's a lot more in life than academic results. If there is tuition on character development, I would be the first to sign joy up! Coz I feel that's her weakest subject. Hahaha... 

The same group of kakis also went on to comment that we probably won't be able to enjoy such gatherings the same time 2 yrs later in view that the girls would b having PSLE.. hahaha.. the most dreaded 4 letter word in sg I guess.. aiya, PSLE 就不用吃饭meh? I hope that I won't be eating my words 2 yrs from now..haha..but seriously PSLE is an over rated exam la.. why let the 3 numbers dictate what defines of yr child or worse, the love you have for her!? I've been telling my joy over and over again, that it doesn't matter what she scores, be it NOW or for PSLE. Mama and papa loves you the same no matter what. And may we continue to remember this.. that what defines a child is her ability to love and care for others and not what's on her report book. May God have mercy on the kids and reduce their workload la.. so much to do, how to be a child? 🤣

It's time to say goodbye..

I've finally decided to let you go.. thank you for being a part of my life, when i was young and able to enjoy you. You guys used to be my favorite comfortable companions, so much so that I went to buy the same exact design, but of a different colour. But as I aged, I no longer am able to withstand the height nor yr weight. I considered keeping you till the day comes when I would be able to wear You again. But time and time again, it is too challenging to wear You and still be able to be a mama at the same time. You will be greatly missed..😢

P/s: My shoe count stands at 9

Screamfree parenting

Attended a parenting course last yr in church and had always wanted to post it here so that it will remind me when i face my roadblocks. But as you know, then things came along and I got distracted and forgot abt it. Then just that day, the notes that I took resurfaced so I thought I better do it NOW...hahaha

Screamfree parenting 101

1) Yr oxygen mask
- First thing first, if Anything, we should take care of ourselves first; before we attend to the kids. E.g. oxygen mask
- how can we take of others if we don't take care of our own well being?
- in any situation, when we think we can't handle, we breathe in (count to 7) nd breathe out (count to 7).
- remain calm
- cause and effect. Are we only giving them attention when they misbehave ?
- why do we scream? What are we most afraid of?

What are yr FEARS?

- kids turn bad?
- not a gd parent?
- feel people's impression of us are bad?
- there's no perfect child not perfect parent. So don't self blame. We need to forgive ourselves when we commit mistakes in a rash; else we might turn to guilt-parenting -> overcompensate the kids which is even worse.

*Failure is an EVENT not a person**

Expectations not met?
- Are they realistic?
E.g. expecting kids scoring perfect score all the time.
E.g. Are we giving them too many KPIs?

- Are they our unmet needs?
- Are they our unmet dreams?
E.g. being a doctor/ lawyer bcoz we can't achieve?

2) Parenting with the End in Mind

*Ask, Say, Do (v impt)

- what do we want to see in our kids at 21?

E.g. character trains that we hope they possess by 21:

- independent 

- discipline

- responsible and the list goes on..

- then what are we teaching them when we scream at them? Kids learn by following/seeing what their parents do.(ACTION)

- will screaming help develop these traits? NO.

ASK.SAY.DO

- state yr desire behaviour, not say don't do this etc. State what can be done.

E.g. kid jump on sofa. Instead of saying "don't jump on the sofa", Say " sofa is is to sit, jump on the floor"

E.g. if you want kid to keep the shoes in the cupboard nearly, show them HOW exactly it is done (action); and get them to show it to you.

- investigate why their action

E.g. why are they behaving this way

- don't think/rationalise at our level; but look at their level

3) Words, Tone, Body language
- are they words of encouragement/ affirmation or words to destroy them further?
- are we still welcoming the kids with open hands or closing the door?
E.g. the words we use when they were <1 yr old; the tone etc vs the words/tone now?
Why are we less tolerant of them now?
- a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- attend to their heart first, find out what's their wounds; n do correction (behaviour) later

4 simple steps:

1. Set clear simple rules e.g. dinner at 6pm, keep yr toys (box A) before taking new toys (box B)
2. Consistency e.g. Be consistent; if dinner is at 6pm-7pm and she refuses to eat, don't offer again at 8pm!
3. Consequences. Make consequences you can live with. E.g. no TV for 1 week, don't go for their rescue. 
4. Counting 123. Firm Tone, strict body language

My thoughts (then)
In a way, joy is now at the screaming stage. And I don't blame her cos she had picked it up from us, when we were impatient with her; when she had her tantrums.

The self blaming part is the part I totally can relate with. I always snap@them when things become overwhelming, when they have so many requests and cry when they are not met. I feel so stressed if I say no; but I also feel lousy when I say yes. As of today, i will not stress myself to be the perfect parent or expect the girls to be the perfect child in fairytale. Let's all work together; learn together and grow as one family.

Giving unclear instructions is something I only realize today. And I now know the importance of stating the desired exact action I expect from them. Just yesterday, I gave Grace the command " do not jump on the sofa." As discussed by the speaker. Only today, did it opened my eyes to their world.

Thank God for providing me with these invaluable lessons. I pray and I know that You will be with us; guiding the girls as they reached the different milestones in their lives. Thank God for william; although he has his shortcomings (screaming) with the girls, he did DO more correct things than me. Thank You God for providing, Amen!

My thoughts (now)
It has been 14 mths since I attended the seminar. I thought I had attended it longer than I had thought.

Reflecting back, I could see how the changes have impacted my girls. I'm not saying that our family life is a bed of roses now, nor am I saying that it's fairytale now. We still have our struggles and I still fall back to the common traps sometimes.

But after applying some simple changes to our parenting styles, I did see significant improvement; be it communication between us ; parents with joy or the twins, or the state of emotional health in me alone. (Joy screaming remain a work in progress)

I can't rem if i read the book 5 love languages for children before or after this seminar, but both of these tools helped so much in my parenting hat.

Note to self: are we saying words of encouragement / affirmation or are we sending words to further destroy them?

I hope that there will be a similar one offered again by the church so that I can attend again to reinforce my knowledge. :)