Reflecting on 2022

Counting my blessings for 2022 and after listing them down, I’m just so thankful for everything that happened

1. God provided food on the table, despite how quiet work was for me. 

- not going to lie that 2022 wasn’t easy for my business. There were long seasons of droughts and I asked myself many many times if this was still the place God wants me to continue to be at; or if I should start planning for plan B. But God is faithful. He continued to provide for us, gave me strength and comfort. 

2. God provided shelter 

- we finally managed to sell our houses and bought a place. Never expected to be able to find a suitable home so quickly but we are thankful. The kids are looking forward to the new place, William is thankful that we no longer need to live like nomads. I’m just thankful that I no longer need to pay taxes on rent. Hahahaha 

3. Thank God that we are all alive and healthy

- despite William health issues early part of the yr and it giving me much anxieties, I’m thankful that we have sorted it out. Will be thankful for each day that we are alive. Don’t know when / who will be called, but we will trust that He knows what’s best for us. Learning to always trust in Him.

4. Covid

- we survived Covid! Recovered from it, and there’s certainly a lot to look forward to now that this has passed.

5. Vera 

- thankful that my r/S with her has improved by a lot. I’m better at understanding her struggles, her non verbal cues nowadays. She definitely has also stepped up as a reliable big sister for Joash. In fact, it’s bcoz of her childishness/child likeness that she’s often the person who plays a lot of fun games with Joash. 

6. Surviving Joash sleep regressions

- I honestly forgot how bad his sleep was, until I went to re-look my entries. I’ve forgotten the motn car rides; the “起来一百次” happenings for his sleeps.. lol.. did all this really happen in 2022?

7. Weight 

- I lost 7kg this yr.. hahaha.. not as much as I targeted but I am thankful for it. Thankful that I still manage to lose some weight despite the emotional eatings happening so frequently.

Finally back from all the holidays and back to back gatherings. Seriously I’m exhuasted. Have hit the social capacity for the month and I’m just so thankful that there isn’t any upcoming ones in sight. 

Tried to start kickstarting my work engine but it’s so hard. Everyone on my list seems to be one that I’ve just met recently; or is one that I don’t feel like meeting 🙊

It’s so hard and it seems to only get harder. J reminded me that we can only pray and ask God to lead the way. So thankful for her; that when everything seems so hard, she’s always my cheerleader (even though she too is struggling)

Praying that God guides us in our work; strengthen us when we are weak; and remind us that He is with us in every step of the journey. 

 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10‬:‭23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/heb.10.23.NIV

Emo

I forgot what was the trigger but I remember questioning myself recently why I even prayed for another kid. Why did I make myself restart the whole cycle again? Aren’t my hands tied w work; the girls and cumbersome relatives?

Was just speaking to a friend yesterday that as I see all my friends with their kids growing up, and I look at this little fellow, I ask myself.. why? 哪来的勇气？I’m the earliest among my friends to have kids, and slowly slowly I see them entering parenthood and graduating.. and I’m still in this game of diapers/night feeding/ zoo / hfmd cycle.. #rant

But there are days where seeing him, I thank God for sending him to us, sending to our noisy family. His eyes lit up so brightly whenever he sees me. No agenda, not complicated. His world is simple. Tonight is one of the nights where I’m thankful and honoured to be able to still make him zzz.. where even though he doesn’t quite know how to speak, his intentions are clear. I love babies. They are a joy. Sometimes I wished they remain at this stage. But sometimes I wish they faster zip to a more advance stage. God, only You know what’s best for us; yr plans will always be better than mine. And as much as I don’t understand, I only need remember this. 

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Date night

Thankful that we are doing this together. Loving you more with each passing day.

 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/1pe.4.8.NIV

Meeting my shopaholics for lunch later to celebrate their bday! I feel a lot better today compared to yday despite the lack of sleep. 

Saw a sticker at PD this morning and thought it was pretty meaningful and “borrowed” it from the boy.. hahaha.. 

We are traveling next week; the whole village and probably that’s why my emotions were everywhere. I need to be in control. Can’t control what others feel abt me or do; but I can control how I react to it. 

Thank you God for a beautiful day!

雨过就会天晴吗？

 

This is probably what I feel currently. Thunderstorms and a heavy downpour that one will be drenched even with an umbrella. 

I want to remember that God will always be our biggest shelter and He is always there for us. But in reality, it is a struggle. My emotions got the better of me and I felt so depressed. I honestly haven’t felt so down for a long long time, and not even food could help perk me up. 

Praying that I’ll walk out of the tunnel soon. 

Started a new project today coz I clearly needed some distraction or stress reliever. Clearly forgotten that I had promised Vera that I’ll stitch something for her for Xmas until Sunday when she reminded me.

I’m thankful for the reminder coz the stitching helped me feel a lot better. Can u guess what this project is abt ?

Always very proud to be called a Singaporean, especially when I see the night scenery this evening. William suggested going for a night walk so that our helper could make Joash zz regularly, less the boy gets too used to us doing the night closing. 

我的背影美吗？

Been feeling a bit overwhelmed these few days. And it’s nice to be dragged out by him. I need the extra dose of endorphins. We had a long talk, abt everything under the sky. It felt so good to be open abt my fears, my struggles; everything. Most of the time, it’s hard to hold a long conversation without any distractions at home. 

My goal is to grow old together with you 

I remembered he took a similar pic of this when the girls were much younger. The link can be found here. 

Thankful that we went out tonight. Even though by the time we came back, the boy was crying inconsolably. It’s fine. We will go out earlier next time.. hahaha

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

 

It’s scary to grow old.

Mama got warded 2 nights ago bcoz she suddenly had low BP; blacked out; experienced numbness on her face. She said she felt like her head was going to explode. All signs pointing to stroke. 

Bro send her in middle of the night and since there were restrictions on visitation currently I only came in the next day. 

It’s scary to grow old not bcoz of the sickness but bcoz I can see how critical/ naggy my mama has became of me, ever since she retired. Everyday I come over is just a chance to let her niam niam niam.. haiz.. 

I told J that at this rate, I’m going to smoother her with the ward pillow. 

I love my mom. And I know she is proud of me too. But somehow, her vocab that she uses when it comes to me, are all critical. I hope I wouldn’t grow old and be like that to my kids. Or if retirement is going to b like this, I shall continue working for as long as I can. 

Just ranting coz I’m in the ward with her. Blogging gives me some sanity. 

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Life of a working mom

Waiting for my work zoom to start on a Saturday morning while William brought the young kids to the zoo today. Thankful that I could work in peace but nonetheless guilty that I had forgotten to free up 5th week for this. This is how joint partnership looks like. We cover each other’s ass. Just like that. 

I have my struggles too when I have to split my time between parenting and work. I enjoy my work and it is fulfilling too. And yes, it can b pretty demanding at times as well. I feel like a 有用的人 when I work. More often than not, we lose our identity when kids come along. I don’t want that to happen. That’s why we try to juggle both concurrently.

Did something meaningful today and I feel so proud of myself..haha.. ownself praise ownself. 

It’s been so long since my last donation -2010. I used to do it regularly with William back then, coz our church would organise it twice a year. But ever since he became a diabetic, I stopped doing it as well. Coz the inertia to do something on my own was huge. Plus I was on a lot of meds for a few years while trying to conceive the twins. And when the twins came along, it just got so tiring to breathe, let alone come here. 

It isn’t painful. The staff here were so nice and so gentle in doing everything. Going to make this a regular event, coz 施比受更有福. Thankful that I could give life to someone else in need.

Ending the long day with comfort milo. I know I should be watching my calories. But today has been tough. Haiz. Deep storing the bad memory coz even typing it is painful. Only time will heal. 

As much as I don’t understand why, I know I can lean on God who is the only constant. 

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Emotional eating

At this rate, any $$ earned from closing the night appts wouldn’t be able to pay for the PT sessions. I know I shouldn’t be eating at this hr, but it’s another “I’m so dead tired from work & certainly I should b allowed to treat myself better ya?” 

Haiz.. this probably explains why I gain >10kg in my 1st year in the biz. Note to self: I want to start my clean eating regime. Else mayb it’s better for my health that I don’t work.. hahahaha.. 

Emo emo

Suffering from overstimulation.. not sure what time I’ll zzz tonight.. 🥹

Went into office to do work, before ending the day with a 630pm face to face appt and 830pm zoom appt. The zoom only ended at 945pm. By then I was exhuasted. My only consolation is that William was around the area to pick me up. He left the helper to do the closing tonight. And Joash took a loooooong time to zzz.. but I know this is for the good of everyone in the long run. To train another person up to do the night closing; so that we could free up our time; so that if William needs to go for his evening gatherings, we know that the kids are in safe hands for the night. 

My dinner / supper. I know I shouldn’t eat so late and so sinfully. But the emo brain is telling the logical side that I deserve to treat myself today. Today, I helped 2 separate clients plan better for their future. The revenue I earn is zero. I explained the plans to the first appt and told him in view of his current circumstances, he really should build up his emergency cash. He was so grateful that he wanted to give me a treat which I politely declined. The second appt was to apply hospitalization plans for a premature baby; but sadly the baby is still in the midst of many many follow ups so we discussed and felt that it probably would b better to wait for now. But even though the revenue is zero, I know I’m doing the right thing. The right thing for their circumstances. And I know if God were to page me now, He will be glad. 

Such is a fruitful day. A lot of friends think that I have an easy job; a glamorous one sometimes. One that chit chat a bit and gets paid vacations regularly. And when I’m feeling angst by their remarks I wanna reply the following

Me: “If it’s so easy, why don’t you come do it?”

Fren: “aiya I missed the boat Liao or I’m too old”

🙄🙄🙄

Or things like 

Fren : “你真好命，everything William settle. U only need to work” 

Me (when I feel hormonal) : “ you think it’s so easy to bring income home?!” 

Both situations; I wanna say.. but no guts la.. lol.. I wanna say it’s not that it’s easy ; it’s that I make it looks easy. Of coz God provided; but it’s still a lot of HARD AND HEART WORK!! If it’s so easy, then everyone would b financial adviser Liao leh.. 

anyway it must b bcoz PMS la.. that’s why I’m hormonal.. but ya, hopefully God gives me the wisdom to reply such comments; or the wisdom to zen it .. 

Bible verse

 “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://psalm.bible/psalm-107-1

Trying to remember dearly that God knows best. And even though we have our differences, he is the best fit for me. These few days have been challenging. William and I have been arguing, not those big big fights, but small squabbles. Just not sure if the small squabbles will eventually snowball to something bigger and explosive. 

Trying to speak kindly, but it’s not always easy. I know I can choose green (kind) or red (angry) words/sentences. Green promotes harmony while red evokes confrontations. But it’s not always easy when the words rush out to slay. Lol.. just like how I’m silently blogging now while he’s struggling to book the Melbourne tickets.. I offered my help, but smeared it sarcastically (my bad) and he’s offended. Okie lo, then u ownself do lo.. 

I’m not sure if I’m easily triggered bcoz my PMS (kinda early) is coming, or bcoz he wouldn’t be around on Friday bcoz he has PSSG D&D or if it’s other things that’s causing my anxieties.

Contrary to popular beliefs, I do have anxieties and I am only human. Leaning on God’s wisdom and assuring myself that He knows what’s best and whatever that comes along, are situations to mould me to a better person. 

Spending time

Came home from the trip last Saturday and the 3 of us are still recovering from jet lag. Wouldn’t have happened if the baby would just zzz more on the plane. His sleeps are everywhere now and I’m just praying that this will end soon. 

And now, it’s time to spend some quality time with the girls.

Texted the teenager this morning and ask if she would like to do a coffee session with me in the midst of her exams. She chose the place and I’m just blogging while she continues her revision. 

Sometimes I look at her, and I thank God for sending her to me. And if I didn’t itchy backside and prayed for another baby, I would have an easy life now. Oh well, that’s a story for another day.

Revisions are auto pilot for her and I hardly need keep track of her progress. What I can do for her is to provide stops/ breaks for her so that she takes care of her mental health and that she doesn’t crash and collapse in the midst of the stress she is giving to herself. 

I’m thankful how she turn out to b despite the initial turbulence years. 

Take yr time my dear teenager. Enjoy each step of the way. 

Traveling with a baby (again)

 And we finally arrived in Dubai! After 7hrs.. and this is only part 1 of our trilogy series.. lol.. my bad for splitting the flights .. but that is a story for another day. 

Reached Changi airport 3.5hrs earlier coz hearsay the queues have gotten quite horrible with everyone traveling. And thankfully we got there early. The check in 姐姐 was kind enough to link our luggages all the way to our final destination, even though the last flight was a separate booking. (We are flying with Emirates to Paris; followed by Air France to Edinburgh) Wasn’t aware that there was a partnership agreement between the 2 airlines, but I’m thankful that the staff went the extra mile. 

The anxiety leading up to the trip, cause me to have sleepless nights (again). I’ve forgotten how it felt but the blog provided some memories. Hahaha

William took most of the first flight, coz he is the #1 person who does Joash closings. He cried a lot at the beginning and towards the ending of the flight. I don’t know how long he took before he zzz. But he did zzz, and so did I. 

Landed and did some shopping at Dubai before making our way to the lounge. Boy is sleeping again. We would prefer a well slept baby who is happy then a sleep deprived baby who might or might not zzz on the next flight. If sir wanna zzz, he will get his zzz now. Will adjust the jet lag in the next few days. 

Waiting to take our second flight now. Let’s see if our judgement is true. 

2.5 more hrs to reaching paris.. after which we still gotta wait for 6 hrs before taking our last and final flight . 

Day flight seems to be easier + Joash could walk around everywhere + friendly people makes it a lot bearable. People are generally tolerable of noisy babies in the day time then night. 

I manage to entertain him for a few hrs while William took a catnap. And even did a closing when he arouse from his nap. Hahaha.. waiting for my lunch. Thankful that we are nearer to our destination. Going to check with the counter if we can change to an earlier flight since our luggages are routed to the final destination. 

Otherwise it would b a 24hrs traveling. It probably means we could do US/ Canada next time.. hahaha

Correction: the whole flying took more than 34hrs.. hahahaha.. and we are now safely back in our room. 

So thankful that a lot worse could have happened yday, but didn’t. Like how the second flight delayed for an hr and if we had originally booked the 3pm (3rd flight), we would have missed it and be stuck in paris for a while. But even though it was wise that we took the 9pm flight, it also meant waiting at the airport for 6hrs before taking a 2hrs flight. Well, we survived! The last flight ended up to b more like a budget aircraft, with no in flight entertainment, cramp seats and really basic basic. But ya, it was an otherwise good experience. Joash was v socialable the entire day and he played v well with other kids we met throughout the whole day. He was good. I’m thankful. 

It’s 630am in Edinburgh now. The two men are still sleeping but I was wide awake since an hr ago. Looking forward to the start of our trip! 

Thank you God for yr protection and covering! 

Lying

 It’s been a long day for me. Long day at work, then came home and brought the kids for a swim. Had dinner then while doing spelling / 听写 with vera, I was just chatting w grace… 

Me: why is it that u don’t ever have spelling / 听写？

Grace : I don’t know. Oh mayb I have (and proceed to go take her book

Me: why is it that I don’t get to sign ur spelling / 听写？

Grace : dunno. Shrug her shoulder but her guilt all over her face.

Me: grace have u been lying to us all these while? 

Grace : proceeds to stomp into her room 

I bite my lips and took 3 long breaths. My immediate thoughts were actually “if wanna lie, why don’t lie forever? Why must let me discover?”  

This is the second big lie episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Recently found out that she has been sneaking the common hp into her room when we zzz and watching YouTube on it. We found out coz William saw her holding on to the hp middle of the night. And when I confronted her, she attempted to cover up by lying more 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

来了。Her lying stage has arrived. Joy phrase started at P1 and I was on standby mode when the twins were at that age but it didn’t happen. P2 came and still nothing happened. By P3, I thought mayb don’t have. Not even sure if they had or mayb they did lied but I wasn’t smart enough to discover. 

Bcoz it wasn’t my first time, I didn’t explode as bad. At least for grace first time. Mayb today i was tired, mayb bcoz it’s her second time and it’s back to back, I exploded. My heart broke. I did the wrong thing. I caned her in front of her sisters. She didn’t even retaliate. Just stood there and let me hit her. 😭😭😭

I know I let the anger took control. I shouldn’t have. 

We cried together after that. I apologised to her. Also told her how I used to lie too, and how her grandma would spank me big big time. She was shocked. Coz she felt that my mom and I are so close now. I told her that despite it all, I know grandma loved me. And now despite of what grace  has done today, I still love you. It’s like how God loves us, despite our shortcomings. And if she’s willing, we can work this out tog. 

We eventually kissed and make up. Mayb I hadn’t spend enough time with her this period of time. Mayb I was too engrossed with diffusing Vera’s bombs. 

Vera exploded subsequently, and by then I had no more energy / brain wave to handle it. Feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to cope, and at the same time wishing he could do more. He just asked if I could log out of the common iPad ; so that he can use his login. While vera was crying big big tears. I don’t know if it’s a man thing ; or has he regressed to being a child too? Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. It’s just difficult today. 

Validation

Took a week of break away from social media. I guess seeing all the posting from everywhere kinda cause me a lot of mums guilt; that I wasn’t doing enough for my kids. 

I’m not one who bring the kids to the outdoors every weekend. I’m not one who bring my kids for trial class. I’m not the one who does baking or craft work with them. I can’t even say I can confidently do solo parenting when William serves for church or his activities. And to be honest, seeing all the postings on all the capable mamas do so many many things for their kids kinda led me to have a lot of guilt. 

I know I have other abilities that I should be proud of. I know I know. And I know there are so many other things that I should give thanks to too. 

The one week fast did help me refocus myself with my kids. In fact, time became plenty when we take social media out of the picture. Suddenly I had time to notice the number of people eating at the hawker centre; or how much white hair William has currently; or the little details that I overlooked (bcoz I was so busy catching up on other people’s lives) 

Penning this down to remind myself that my validation should not be based on the number of likes / posts I get/do on my social media. My validation should be with my creator, God. I’m only accountable to Him and He knows what I need. He made me for a greater purpose and He makes no mistake. 

“The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Bible verse

 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Rough Monday

We had many episodes yesterday afternoon. I tried to be as understanding as I could, but she is struggling. Struggling to understand her own internal feelings, struggling to regulate herself, struggling to verbalise her thoughts. 

I tried but it was tiring. There were so many explosions that by the end of the day, I gave up too. I let William took over. I was frustrated. Frustrated bcoz I felt that he wasn’t doing enough. Why is it always me who has to manage the girls, when he is the homemaker or my co parent? The words were at the tip of my lips - “I will stop work and you can go out to work. We will live with whatever you can provide.” 

Instead, I bit my lips and prayed. Prayed for patience and prayed for peace. Prayed that God help carry us thru when it all seem impossibly difficult. 

I hid in Grace room after dinner coz it was too difficult. Cried while I was trying to do some not important work. Well, at least work brings food on the table. I have no idea why he seems so busy with his iPad and it has no contribution to the household. I wouldn’t b as pissed if he was sleeping, to be honest. 因为休息是为了走更远的路。 I’m tired that my work always suffer the brunt of it all. Perhaps wfh isn’t viable anymore. Perhaps going to office is a lot easier for me, for him for everyone. At least I wouldn’t see him on his iPad all the time. Or replying msgs to his jewel grp chat when he isn’t even 村长 anymore! I sold the place and just waiting to see when he intends to exit the annoying chat.. 

Not going to lie when I say that today has been one of the longest weekend in a long time. I don’t remember the number of times I broke down today. It’s tiring. Trying to contain the sick boy home; being missy to the old man, and making sure the twins don’t end up killing each other. Or even if they do, at least they wouldn’t wake up the men in the midst of it. 

But it’s also bcoz of this tiring situation that I’m thankful for the girls. They all tried their best to step up. Grace volunteered to go kovan market to get coconut water for the family as well as dabao char kway teow for the uncle. Uncle didn’t have much appetite and was craving for something 重口味. Like Friday, we briefly told her the way and off she went. Vera who was negative, wasn’t keen on taking that adventure. She did bring Joash on a pram ride just downstairs in the late afternoon. 

I’m thankful that I have very mild symptoms. Besides having a blocked nose and feeling groggy all the time, that’s about it. The uncle heart rate has turned irregular and he’s also having problem sleeping / breathing. Yes I’m worried for him. At the same time I’m frustrated bcoz he should have started the meds on day 1. (I feel that my recovery was better coz I took all the meds etc). He kept forgetting abt the meds and argh… anyway told him that if he still feels very jialat tomorrow it’s better that he visit the GP (just in case). 

I’m thankful for the girls + helper who helped so much. But at the same time, I felt so lonely and helpless holding the fort at home. Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. Praying that the two men recover soon. 

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.”

‭‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭16:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The uncle is sick. His turned positive a day after mine. And u can see the difference in our symptoms. Mine’s largely mild, and I probably am functional 80% of the time. He is trying his best to still help, but pls la just zzz okie…

Can I also say that I’m so thankful for our new helper! She’s holding the fort at home now and has been Joash main caregiver when both me and William are down. Thankfully I taught her how to go ntuc few weeks ago!! If I had waited for William to do it, I think even up to now also she dunno where it is lo.. hahaha.. 

She just came back from a massive grocery run. Going to cook lunch for the family! Yeah! 

We will overcome this ! 

Nightmare

As of yesterday, only joy and our helper remains Covid negative. The good news is Grace art kit turned negative yday too! Amen! 

And she requested to go for English tuition since she is officially free to roam; which I gladly agreed. 

But comes the next problem. Grace can go to sch on Friday but there isn’t anyone who could bring her. I asked if I could get a cab for her, but she says she can take public on her own. Gave her the instructions and we can only pray that she will figure things out on her own. Had an argument w William over this too. If he had started training the helper &/ kids on how to go and come back from sch earlier (the deadline was by end jul) then we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I was pissed and frustrated and everything just snowballed and my final words were “I hope if you die, we all die together”. 

Such mean and hurtful words. Yes I realise too. I guess fears crept in and took over. Then dreadful thoughts conquered my mind; like what if he really passes then what happens; especially since Joash is still so young etc. wah, once u let fears enter, they conquer and control. And i feel so horrible. 

I open my bible and this was what I saw. It’s assuring. And rather than let fears take over, I’ve decided to let God take control. Whatever. Surrender to Him and let Him be the captain of my ship.

Have kissed and make up with William too. Being old isn’t something he can control. We will just treasure every living day as a gift, that’s why it’s called present.

On a side note, this morning Joy brought her to the train station but they are headed for different directions. Grace is currently on the bus to school. It’s nice to have the girls step up and take on bigger roles I guess. Maybe training the helper to pick the girls isn’t impt anymore.

Today we will only have the 2 young kids home the entire day. (Coz grace will be having lunch in school before heading to nex for her Chinese tuition.) It’s also the first day where I don’t have any scheduled zoom appts. Hoping that I can spend more time with vera and see if she gets better. She has been having so many episodes these few days (before positive and even after) that I suddenly don’t know what’s wrong w her or me. I thought we were on a two steps forward but it seems like a three step backwards now again. Well, I guess we will just have to see, monitor and adapt. 

Covid party

Covid officially entered our home over the long weekend,  Grace woke up with fever and cough and as our usual protocol, we did an ART and it showed positive almost immediately. Gave her some meds. 

We all did our tests and only she got it. Vera was clearly upset bcoz I decided to cancel our party plans. Was supposed to attend a gathering and even though we were all negative, it just didn’t feel right to still go. She sobbed big tears. The last min change + disappointment was too much for her to cope. I gave her a big hug and patted her. Stood with her while she cried. Then we chatted. We talked about a lot of things and I ended with a prayer for her. 

Once I was done with her, I went to comfort grace. She was feeling miserable - for being the one who brought Covid home and the reasons mama had to cancel all the plans. I told her that it wasn’t her fault and she might not even be patient 0. And it didn’t really matter who is actually. What matters is that she should try to drink lotsa water and recover. 

Aiyo, my 2 girls.. by noon I was exhuasted but feeling accomplished. Coz I managed to diffuse their bombs without me having an explosion myself. 

I think I did well today. I told the girls that we shouldn’t give in to fears. And nothing else matters as long as we are together as a family. 

I’m thankful that I manage to use this as a parenting lesson as well. Coz kids pick up the underlying message faster than what we want them to learn. What and how we react to situations will form part of their learning journey and childhood. I hope one day as we reflect back on today, my kids will remember the cool things we did, despite having Covid. That we had ice cream and lotsa tv and suduku! Hahahha..

P/s : Joash woke up motn with a fever. Carrying him to zzz as I type this entry. Keep us in prayers! 

 

Tired

I’m exhuasted.. lol.. I think hermit crab has hit her social quota for the mth. And I know I still got a handful of gatherings coming up over the long weekend.. faints .. 

Dont get me wrong. I enjoy all the gatherings while I was there. But there’s also a part of me which needs her peace and 4 walls to retreat back to. And currently I’m yearning for that. 

A look at my work schedule and I said a silent prayer. My appts for Friday are as follows: 10am (sk) ; 12 (zoom) ; 1pm Chinatown ; 330 and 530pm zoom. I don’t know how I’m going to manage. We will see how it goes. Brain is malfunctioning so heading home liaoz. 

Just went for a swim. Haven’t been swimming for so long!! It felt so good after that ! Shall do it more frequently from now on. 

We had a big fight yday. I guess it’s the result of lack of sleep the night before for both of us. Joash decided to “开party” and kept waking up every hr. He took charge of the entire night shift but I was wide awake laying on the bed. I didn’t dare move for fear that seeing me would worsen the situation. But we were all tired. 

Then the morning came and a series of assumptions + mistakes made him frustrated. I purposefully cut short my social appt and offered to pick him up at nex before picking grace from sch. In the end, we just quarreled our way at coffee bean. It was tiring especially when two people are severely sleep deprived. Halfway thru I just walked back to the car and wept. I regretted having another child. I shouldn’t have prayed for one more when we weren’t ready. The fear of him passing earlier than me hits me BAD plus the fact that his dad had a short life expectancy. His dad passed away at 54 and he’s 51. I know these are all numbers and it doesn’t count for anything. But the fears just crept in and slapped me in the face. 

We are all good now. Kissed and made up shortly after. I guess this is part of marriage - where 2 complete individuals come together and chart their lives together. Whatever destination we plan to head together, we will get there together. Just need to re-align and chart as plans change.

Rant

“Can we work on the pretext that you will always fall sick and therefore it’s important to have emergency back up plans when any of us are sick?”

This was what I told uncle pig today. It’s been 3 crazy nights where Joash will cry and wake up middle of the night and continue to cry for 1-2hrs before I resort to car ride. He came back with angry butt rash on Tuesday which made things worse. And as if that wasn’t bad enough , boy is also on milk strike. And to top it all up, uncle pig had an eye op on wed. 

So yes, I’m overwhelmed and sleep deprived. I feel so incompetent whenever he’s down. And told him that if we are supposed to be covering each other’s flaws, he hasn’t been doing his job. Becoz I always have that nagging feeling that I’m incompetent whenever medical emergencies happen. It’s unfair to me. Even when I’m overwhelmed or stressed at work, I stick to the plan of covering that part and never once made him worry. But he on the other hand, always try to do everything as though he is superman and never delegate out. 

Yes the right word is DELEGATE. Even when I told him that next week I might have 1-2 days where I can’t pick the twins from sch, and will most likely train the helper to do it, he insist that he will do it ! Why? Why can’t we let the helper pick the kids up on emergency days? Why can’t we let her do grocery runs ? Why is it when u are alrdy sleeping less than 4 hrs, u still insist on going to the market after u drop Joash? 

1 day of missed sweeping / mopping / laundry isn’t going to affect much at home. But 1 day of him out of action will drive everyone crazy. I need someone to take care of my kids in the morning if I happen to do the motn shift. Someone to help me do some small grocery run so that we can sleep in bcoz of our motn duties. You are not superman and you will fall sick. Can we just plan on the basis that if you will b sick LONG TERM, then what will happen? Am I supposed to stop work completely to care for the kids? Or are we going to only start training the helper when that happens? 

That was my conversation with him and hr ago. It felt so good to let it all out. It’s like phlegm stuck on my throat making me breathless. 

He agrees with my points and we have agreed on the following. (Coz I need to write notes to remind myself) 

In 1 mth time, the helper will be able to:

1) Pick the twins / Joash from sch. (Not that we will be using this regularly but it’s for emergency days) 

2) ad hoc grocery run like getting milk / bread etc 

3) be able to cook 1 meal on her own independently and if there isn’t any food in the fridge, she can do 2)

4) also train twins to come back from sch on their own.

In the mid term. The goal is still to let the helper make Joash zzz be it for nap or night time. 

Feeling so much better after having the honest conversation. We are together in this partnership long term. We need to cover each other’s ass. 

Insomnia who ?

345am finally transported baby into his cot sound asleep. I know I should go straight to sleep bcoz u never know what time the baby wakes up again. But I’m t fuming mad. Mad at uncle pig? Mad at myself ? Mad at baby? I guess it’s all of the above. 

Baby suddenly wakes up at 1am crying. William rushed to rescue him (despite me showing that baby fully can self smoothe himself and go back to zzz). His reason was - Joash is still battling diarrhoea and he has pooped motn for the last 2 nights. Yes it’s legit. But he didn’t let him go back to his cot to zzz. In fact tonight closing, he made koash zzz in his arms before putting him into the cot. 

Anyway the battle continued til 2plus and boy is struggling and both his parents are at wits end. I wanted William to go zzz bcoz he slept last than 4hrs the night before and tomorrow he needs to ferry joy at 6am. Haiz..

Joash finally pooped at 3am and I thought with the diaper change, I finally have a chance to zzz. No, he struggled. Can see that he’s tired but he fuss fuss. I even made milk! But boy doesn’t wanna drink. 

330am - car ride. I know the implications of it. But I don’t have any better alternatives. If I wake William up, it defeats the purpose. I know even if he zzz in the car, there’s still risks that he might wake up in the midst of transportation. 

340am - reach back to carpark coz boy is asleep. I said a silent prayer before turning off the engine. The sequence of events role played in my mind before I start the action. 

345 - in his cot still asleep. 

355am - I’m done. Going to zzz now. Pray that this is the last for this early morning. Situations like this, we can only turn to God. He is our lighthouse; our Healer. 

Praying that William eye op on wed will b a smooth one. Praying that the kids will be in their good behaviour while mama holds the fort. Praying for God’s protection upon our household. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

1611

Today’s our 16th wedding anniversary, on this special 11/6. I thought the date looked super pretty today.. haha..

We didn’t have any celebration this year. The main reason was because we just came back from a staycation and we are going to malacca tomorrow, and the little boy suddenly fell sick, on the eve of our wedding anniversary. 

We barely zzz much last night, I definitely zzz more than william coz boy needs him for bedtime.. hahah.. and that to me, is the best wedding anniversary present.. to be able to sleep, coz both of us are so sleep deprived nowadays! 

Lunch today was Teochew porridge at our neighbourhood while dinner was at my mom’s place. Even my mama was surprised that we didn’t do an eleborate celebration this year. 

I know it sounds cliché but rather than receiving flowers or spending a hefty price on food, I’m more thankful for him being my safe anchor, my partner in this parenthood. 他让我很放心就算天大的事，我们会一起承担。这对现在的我来说，是最重要的。

To the man who says he's a frog just so that I can be his princess , happy wedding anniversary. . May we continue to grow old together..  loving u more each day and thankful for taking care of all of us!

Easily triggered

Just a quick update. It’s been a week since my change in my attitude towards vera. I could see a vast improvement in her behaviour as well as our r/s. 

It’s also a lot to do with perceptions I guess. If you think the worst of her, the way I treat her would naturally correlate to that as well. But if I think it as she’s struggling to manage her emotions and the correct words, then I’ll help her in a better way. I don’t know why I took so long to realize this but I’m glad I do now. She hasn’t had much episodes this week, bcoz most of the time I could catch it at it’s infancy and we could ride it out together. Even the mini explosion that happened while I was showering and she had it with William; I could resolve it while William went to shower. And she apologised for her actions after that. If it’s the usual, it probably will take hrs the very least. But today, it was a 10-15 mins affair. 

Now that I’m more sensitive towards her, I realize that verbal language is really not her thing. I can’t remember the last time she said “I love you” to either of us. She said it was last year when I tricked her into saying (but I don’t recall). The fact that she remembers probably also means that she struggled so she remembers. Saying sorry is tough for her too but not as tough as “I love you” coz I don’t punish kids for not saying the latter.. hahahah.. 

We are still WIP, but at least we are moving in the right direction together. We even did math together today! She managed to solve one qn on her own. I helped her with the other qn but yes, one all by herself. 

Talking abt perceptions and triggers; I guess the same applies to me too. I get offended / triggered easily when some people mentioned certain topics etc. Like if my kids always feel that I’m the parent that has more free time or when friends say things like how will I 放心 to let the helper do certain things etc.. or and yes qns like “I’m breastfeeding still” etc .. 

So just like my attitude / perception towards vera ; I need to similarly change that towards all my triggers. If I could do that then it’s a personal improvement for myself. 

Just like this pic.. do you see the young lady or old woman? Others who don’t see the same light as me doesn’t naturally means that they are wrong and likewise. 

In other news, I completed this! Like finally! This took about 3 weeks. Have ordered a new kit and can’t wait! Hahaha

Documenting small wins (part 2)

Last night over dinner, vera was upset. Coz she went to shower and we started dinner without her. She was clearly upset. 

This morning while I was brushing her hair, I took the chance to talk about last night again. I asked her if she was upset bcoz we didn’t wait for her and she nodded. I apologise for our mistake and told her that we will try to wait for everyone moving forward. She didn’t fuss much during brushing hair today, to which I’m thankful. I promised to tie her favourite hairstyle for her today coz she has church. 

Some kids are better with expressing themselves but clearly vera is not one of them. It takes a lot from her to even verbal simple things that I’ve taken for granted; or never noticed. And her “childish acts” were all cues for attention; like “ MAMA!! Look at me! I need you NOW!” 

I can’t say that I’m an expert now but I hope that God give me the patience to pay attention to her needs and cues; and wisdom to balance my time among the kids. Coz as much as I wanna spot all her cues and episodes; Grace is brewing an episode on her own when she feels that mama is always talking to vera. 

God, give me the wisdom and patience to manage it all. I know my limitations but I pray that U help me pull thru it all.

Wanna also thank my therapist friend, Shu, for pointing out to me. I always thought that Vera was being difficult; that she is here to “bully” me. But in fact, she’s just different. Her ways of expressing herself is different compared to her siblings. Parenting isn’t a one size fits all, but I believe that Love and patience will help improve it all.

May you be given more and more of God’s kindness, peace, and love. - Jude 1:2 TLB

Documenting small wins

Just wanna record today’s small wins with vera.. 

This morning, after dropping Joash in school, I saw vera lazing on the sofa; clearly woken up for a while but yet to brush her teeth or change out of her pjs. I asked her ( in my angelic voice ) to brush her teeth. She just whined. And this repeated again for 3 times. The words were on my lips, but I reminded myself of what my friend said - that’s she’s struggling with her big emotions and that I should give her time and a safe space to express her emotions. I waited. I looked her in the eye and told her that if she would like, I could walk with her to the toilet so that she could brush her teeth. She nods. After she was done, I realize it wasn’t clean enough. So I had to tell her to do it AGAIN. She was clearly upset. I stroked her and explained to her that bcoz her teeth are bigger than usual, that’s why she has to take special care to make sure each tooth is thoroughly clean. She whined and whined. I bite my lips (again). I could either react by saying “U are 10 yr old, can u start behaving like one?” Or I can respond by saying “I understand that it’s annoying to have to do it again, but if you would like, mama will hold yr hand and walk to the toilet so that you could brush it again”. I did the latter. To be honest, I am surprised by my own reactions. And I’m going to give myself a pat . It takes extra work and patience. And despite this, she continued to have a few episodes. 

Before leaving the house for lunch, I could see her emotions about to erupt again - coz William was doing room cleaning with her and she needed to clean up her clutter. I on the other hand, wanted to brush her hair. While we were brushing her hair, she whine and cried again. Not those big big tears cry but it was soft cry. I asked her why, what happened? She said it was painful. I gave her a hug. I explained to her coz her hair is curly and she seldom comb (bcoz it’s always tangle) and thus we need to comb .. and perhaps we could just trim a little etc. she was okie when I was done and cleaned her snot on me. 

Documenting this today to remind myself that I need to be especially sensitive towards my little princess; that my responses towards her could either lead to a bomb explosion or a successful bomb dismantle. My friend says she’s proud of me; that I’ve become a 拆弹专家。

I know this isn’t going to be the last of such incidents but I’m thankful for the small win today. She is happy now. She waited for me to b back with my food at the hawker centre while the rest started eating. It’s her way of expressing her love. I know. I love you too my dear princess. We can overcome all these together!

Enjoying my quiet lunch and comfort food. I love marche. It’s one of the food joints that can feed my village affordability. 

Going to say goodbye to such comfort food soon. Decided to eat clean again after my bday.. haha.. going to start a new regime then. Haven’t quite decided on which option but I think I should do something for myself. I don’t buy expensive things for myself, whatever I earn, is used mostly to feed my village. I want to do something for myself; to make myself healthier, so that I can do more with the kids as I age. 

God, be with me as I embark on this new journey. I’m excited yet afraid. But I know U are in control, and U will be with me every step of the journey. Amen!

Happy 364 days

I’m back at his fav chair.. boy is sick.. fever suddenly decided to visit him 2 days before his birthday.. lol.. going to visit the pd later. William took the graveyard shift  and I’m here to take over. Such is the joy of partnership. Thankful that he’s my partner; my anchor and my strong 靠山. 

364 days old, my dear little buddy. Thankful that you came to us, at God’s perfect timing. You are God’s sent miracle for us. Though everything seem hectic and crazy, I’m glad we pulled it thru. 

The emotional rollercoasters; the battles that I had to go thru, from then to now. I’m thankful to God for you. May you grow in His favour, and may He lead you in His plans for you. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

做人很难，做女人更难 (rant)

Had a company lunch yesterday. It was nice to finally see more colleagues after so long! But ya, this is more abt my rant than anything else. 

Colleague: “So Lena, are you still breastfeeding?”

Me: “No la, stopped long ago.”

Colleague: “Oh, when did u stop?”

Me: “6mths”

okie I lied. I stopped earlier.. lol.. I also didn’t say that from the start I was supplementing with FM even from day 1. It irks me why people ask abt breastfeeding like they are entitled to. It should be a taboo topic just like “how much is yr pay?” !!! How is my yield going to affect you or yr kids Ah ? Argh…

Then in the midst of the lunch.. When everyone is asking who’s going to the UK trip in sept?

Me: ya I’m going ah.. most likely with William and baby. Can’t wait! 

Same colleague: then who’s going to take care of the girls? Helper ah?

Me: ermm.. they are big enough to take care of themselves liaoz leh.. yes the helper will cook and clean la.. what else? You going?

Colleague : oh, I can’t. No one is around to take care of the kids 

Me: oh but yr kids are quite big now.. no? And there’s the helper too, right?

Colleague: oh all along, we don’t let our helper touch the kids. So no la, not going. You mean, you will 放心 to let the helper to take care of yr girls?

Okie lo, it’s your choice la. But don’t come guilt trip me la. I think 2 weeks away from the girls wouldn’t harm them much. The most they can order mac everyday for all I care, but 2 weeks away from them means so much to me. I need a break. It would b ideal if I could just go with William and leave the baby at home too. But unfortunately, this is not viable. If you wanna wear the badge of “not letting yr helper touch yr kids” by all means. I was like that before. But I rather wear the “my helper is competent enough to care for my kids or my kids are mature enough to take care of themselves” badge. It’s individual choices right. I have forfeited my trips before. Just that at this juncture, I feel that my girls are old enough, to be left alone as long as food are on the table and they have uniform to wear to sch. Homework if not done, then face the consequences in sch lo.. why is their homework my duty also!? 

Sorry but the me now. I just want to LIVE MY LIFE. I want to enjoy my kids, my work and myself! It’s no longer just about them. I don’t wan to be the mama that sacrifice everything for the kids etc. no. I want to live my life. They will flutter around my life, not the other way round. Happy mom happy life okie!

Had to rant this coz even after a night of sleep, I still feel angst over the convo. 

A lesson for all of us

 

We were early for taekwondo class today so I suggested going to the playground which was right next to the cc. Grace was delighted and within five minutes climb up here. That was the easy part. 

She soon realize that it was easy to go up, but not as easy the other way round. Basically u need to have a leap of faith, and put yr body out of the hoop to reach out for the steps in order to come down. She couldn’t. She kept saying “Mummy can u pls get the fireman to come rescue me?” My heart sank. This probably comes with age. Fear sets in as we grow older, doesn’t it? The young fearless boy was waiting impatiently for her to come down, even went up several times hoping that it would nudge her. 

Eventually she finally managed to do it. After a good 15mins of coaxing and me quietly praying and a kind stranger who reminded her to “come down the way she went up”. She came down and I was glad. 

But today I think the lesson not only taught her but me as well.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

- Do not give in to fear. Instead, we should cast all our fears onto the Lord, for He is with us. This lesson come so timely, at a stage where work has been super quiet and I’m super free. In fact I’m so free that the last time I was this free was probably during the circuit breaker. And I let my fears take roots in me. It isn’t such a good thing to be too free, at least for me. I start to doubt myself, if I was still a competent adviser, if I would still be able to provide for the family, if we would be okie financially if the dry months continue longer than expected. I let the fears morph and grow in me. I felt like drowning. I didn’t know what to do. The uncertainties magnified the fears. But today, I want to be like Grace. That even though we are afraid, we took the leap of faith that it will all work out eventually. That God knows and He has His ways and plans in His perfect timing. Even though I’m afraid, I know that God is my safe harbour, and I will only need to do my best and that is all that’s needed. 

As simple as that. 

Picking up cross stitching again, bcoz I want to do something productive instead of just playing suduku all the time. 

Thankful for the lesson and reminder. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

This is how solo parenting looks on good days. Not everyday is great, and that’s why it makes them extra special. There are days when I wished I wasn’t a mother to the 4 kids; that I was known as @queenlena, and not @mrsqueenchoo. But there are days when I ask myself how blessed am I, that God give me the privilege to be the mom of 4 wonderful kids. It hasn’t been easy, especially when the kids age gap are so wide! Concurrently I’m doing P4 revision; trying to be a friend to the firstborn and learning to be a new mom to the youngest again. It’s not easy. But I wouldn’t have it other ways. 

When I was first mom to Joy, it was a lot of trials and errors. More often than not, she’s our “guinea pig”, our teacher to our parenting journey. I remember making silly mistakes like mixing her meds into her milk just so that she would finish them all. I eventually realize that is the quickest way to get a milk strike, and never again repeated that mistake. Her name fitted her so well, coz she was a joy to us. 

When I became mom the second time, it was hard. And I guess that was also the reason God made us wait for 5 years before giving us a pair of twins. Those 5 years of battling infertility, drew me closer to God. I remember questioning God, why didn’t He send us more kids, when He says “to be fruitful and multiple”. I eventually learnt that it was to shape us to be prepared, bcoz the second time isn’t going to be as easy. The sleepless nights weren’t just doubled, it felt like tripled or endless, to be honest. Not only did I felt that I was a single parent to a newborn (coz there were days when we each just took a baby), I still had to be attentive to the demands of my toddler, who was 不大不小 - independent and mature, but she’s a toddler after all, and very needy at that stage. But God guided us in every step of that arduous journey. And eventually we got the hang of it. 

- Jan 2014

- Cny 2020

Now that I’m 40s, and mom to our last baby, the feeling is complex. Happy that  I have one last baby to savour every last baby moments, but scared that we can’t provide enough time and energy to the 4 of them. I feel like an old and new mom at the same time; old bcoz the past experiences have taught us how to respond better this time round, new bcoz there are new things that weren’t popular in the past ! 

Thankful for the opportunity to be the mom of these 4 kids. I love ya all! 

Happy Mother’s Day to me! 💐🌸🌷

How do u teach a child who doesn’t uses her brain for school work? It’s challenging and frustrating and sometimes I feel defeated. Bcoz of her attitude. I’m not a tiger mom. And I don’t expect my kids to get As for their grades. I don’t even need them to get into prestigious schools. What I want is I hope they adopt a willing attitude, to learn, not for exams but for knowledge.

Not going to lie that the extended long weekend has been nothing but exhausting. Trying to iron out every little topic. It has always been “out of sight, out of mind”.. mayb bcoz the firstborn has always been hardworking and ASK whenever she meets problems in her work. But the same doesn’t apply to the younger kids. Then suddenly I realize how weak their foundations are. I’m tired. 

How do I correct ATTITUDE? It’s okie if my kids don’t understand and we try together. But it’s not okie when they sulk / whine / be rude when things don’t meet their way. I’m learning also. Learning to be more patient. 

And all these frustrations just result in me binge eating / snacking so much that I could feel my clothes being tighter.. argh… shall go start my swimming again tomorrow. 

 

Really love how Meitu makes me so pretty.. hahaha.. thought I’ll just record this moment of time, when my lashes are still pretty. Just wanna enjoy this phrase of my life, enjoying things for me myself. Going for a nice lunch for myself before I go for my facial later. Thankful Thursday!

Waiting for my lunch to arrive and some me time before my facial appt. I had a hard time deciding between the set lunch or ala carte. As it is, I’m not one who likes to make decisions. Then the set is priced so affordably that it seems more worthwhile leh.. just that sadly there were more things I didn’t like on the set so I chose the latter. The menu is a little tad expensive for my comfort. The salad that I chose better be nice lo.. the choos need to cut down on food expenditure now that all the parties are over. I’m broke.. 🤣🤣🤣

The salad was nice, but probably for the same price,I would have a steak as the protein if it’s from Uncle Choo cafe.. hahaha.. I guess this is the price of eating out. 

Ended my lunch with a cup of local kopi.. lol..