4 months

 

This was what I wrote in may, when I was deciding my Ys. I knew that it had to be convincing, otherwise I would fall and crumple when I met with obstacles. I knew that I needed something to refer to, to remind me of why I wanted to do this. And this week was one of those weeks where I needed an extra reminder. 

Nothing major happened. It was just exhausting. Tired of working past 11pm every night, tired of having to open my laptop on weekends. I know I can choose not to reply those emails on weekends, but it will just snowballed to Mon which make things even worse. Tired of having to mingle with colleagues whom I hardly know just few mths ago, and trying my best to understand them and make their working here a little bit better. This isn’t the usual me - having to step out of my comfort zone to know new people, make small talk. I honestly do wanna make their working life a bit better if I can, but it’s tiring to mingle and make small talk, if u get what I mean. And then there’s tons of working partners who wanna do coffee/trainings/ whatever that I’ve been trying so hard to turn down. And this is me, 4mths into the new job. 

Will I finally get used to this? Will I find my balance between family, management and personal sales? I wished I wouldn’t feel like drowning every single day. I wish God give me the right balance in all 3 areas, the right mentality to cope with all these challenges. 

I’m like the fomo manager, always worried that I’m not doing enough for my team. If other managers are giving xxx to their team, I start thinking of ways to provide the same for my babies too. And it’s exhuasting. Angela says that I should have more confidence in my leadership. I wish they sell it over the counter or during the Black Friday sale. Hahaha.. 

People say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I hope I will arrive at that stage soon. 

Emo-ing

Couldn’t zz well the whole night. It’s the day before I fly with the twins. Contemplated going to the gym today but in the end I chose the easy way out. I went for a swim. Thought it will do me more good to have time to clear my thoughts and realign myself.

Told Angela yday that I was emo-ing. Kinda question myself why I decided to fly AGAIN. When I’m buried in my work and there seems tons of things to do. She reminded me that it’s to spend time with the twins who are often the neglected generation/ kids coz we were trying very much to stay afloat (financially/ mentally / physically) most of their toddler yrs and we hardly did anything special for them. That is a timely reminder. And that was why I signed up for this. They are at the stage where they are old enough to take care of themselves while overseas, and young enough to still follow instructions.. lol.. yes yes, I do wanna spend time with them, do girly things like shopping or cafe hopping or just bring them to their fav Running Man sites. 

Just praying that the directionless mama don’t get too loss everywhere. The map seems to show that all the places are quite within walking distance, and my strategy is to cab if possible. Coz I’m afraid I’ll drown in their metro. Hahahaha.. 

Praying that I’ll survive the red eye flight. Grace is still nursing a cough, praying that God heals her soon! May we find favour on this trip, that everyone will have mercy on us. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

P/S: I’m really scare to be honest. Afraid that I can’t zzz on the plane, or my room booking was rejected or we get really lost or the twins end up killing each other. But we will see. This is for them. This is to spend time with my neglected twins. 

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