新年

At 88, if the growing up fears/insecurities were not resolved, it will continue to surface even at this age. 

And this is my MIL. 

It’s Saturday and William is hosting his cousins and relatives. He has to pick her up before 4pm so that the party will start. And the plan is for Joash to nap with me during this period, so that both of us have enough battery before it starts. 

Just as we woke up, and I asked Joash to go out to greet his grandma, this was what happened:

Mil: “Why didn’t you come pick me up? Is it u don’t love me anymore?” 

Joash: probably a stunned look. 

To be honest, I was really triggered hearing this in my room. 

My thoughts playing in my head: 

“Yes, my son loves me more, you have any problem?” 

“What the f*** did u have to say this to my son?”

And the list goes on. 

At this moment, I wanted to just head to church. Coz the girls had a choice of choosing church or stay home to host. And I presume I could too. 

🥹🥹🥹

And this was going thru my mind the whole time. 

I wanted to leave for church. Let me change. 

As I was changing, I was reminded by how the man loved me and doing this (even if he allow, would put him in a fix). 

Hiding in the room while I could hear the loud loud chattering happening outside. 

I decide to honor my man, decide to be nice. Decide that no matter the triggers, I choose to be here for my man. 

It’s also a reminder that I should confront all my fears and insecurities now at 45 and not let it drag til old age. 

She’s my motivation to grow old to be a 快乐老人。

Validation

This Video came just at the right time when I was trying to think of how to compose my thoughts.

The comparison is real. I get demoralised whenever I see parents bringing their kids to do this and that, and then I look at my kids who seem to not be doing as much coz their parents (us) hands are always full with things, or simply bcoz I’m easily exhuasted. Uncle pig says we do occasional zoos only bcoz such activity requires too much energy and after that I’ll be so exhuasted. He is not wrong. I wish he was. 

I know I’m not a lousy parent. I just engage my kids differently. I don’t do the Montessori stuff with my kids, or bring them outdoors as often. And sometimes the social media just made comparison much easier to see and harder not feel lousy. 

The irony of it all is I never compare myself for work. Never. 

I need to remind myself to realign my thoughts, and that the dynamics of every family is different. It brings to the next point of validation. Our actions shouldn’t need to be validated by society or social media. Why do I wanna set a bar so high and make myself emo crazy over something like that ? 

I should b contented with the blessings I have in life. That no matter what happens, I do want the best I can give to my kids and the best is enough. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Random

Today grace taught me a phrase which she learnt from her favorite cartoons - P.A.C.E. 

P - Positive 

A - Attitude 

C - Changes 

E - Everything 

Wow..chim right.. I didnt know cartoons got so deep meanings..lol..its a good reminder for myself that whenever I'm frustrated with things / issues / 人, its the attitudes (myself) that will change things. 

Did a zoom a few days ago with a client turned friend and we were just chatting casually n how another client (common friend) is pregnant and gave me so much courage to continue on, despite challenges la. I commented that I'm worried abt my pregnancy bcoz of the various challenges as well as the back to square one compared to  auto pilot mode with the older kids. Then this client, told me that few mths ago, she found out she too, was pregnant. But they decided that, no, they had enough kids and she took the pill to end it. I was shocked. N it affected me a lot. Of coz, I know its their choice, not mine. And it probably take a lot of courage to do that too. But I just didn't know anyone personally who would terminate her pregnancy even though it was unplanned. It must have been the hormones, I was so sad by the news that I 😥 

Anyway I've digressed. Lol.. shall focus on positive attitudes and mindsets!! 

We managed to see 小豆豆 and the heartbeat on Monday! I told the BFFs that I'm officially pregnant..lol..they say I'm already pregnant.. didnt need wait for this to confirm. But I was worried that there might not b a heartbeat ma.. 

I ask the gynae if I could stop Duphaston but he says he would prefer if I tried taking some 🤣

These days I'm either feeling super tired or 🤢🤢🤢. Even work was a struggle that I had to reschedule 2 f2f appts in the end. Thankfully most of it were on zoom.

In happier news, ribena is my new found BFF..lol.. it makes me happy and brings me much comfort.. hahhaha..I told the twins that baby loves ribena for now and I hope that baby doesn't keep changing its taste buds.

Looking forward to 2nd trimester soon.. I can't wait to start shopping for baby stuff..hahah.. and welcome any hand me downs too! 

Conversations with joy..

Joy: mummy, is "unaware" a real word?
Me: yes it is
Joy: mummy, then is "unawares" a real word?
Me: no I don't think so.. why ?
Joy: mummy, you sa-lah (wrong). Unawares is a real word
Me: Huh?? Then can u 造句 with it?
Joy: " I was caught unawares by the news that John is coming"
Me: wow..okie.. but is that the right sentence structure ? It sounds so weird..

According to her, she wrote this in her sch compo.. and when her classmate did "peer marking", her classmate underlined it highlighting the mistake. Joy told her it was not wrong and her classmate decided to ask their teacher. But before they can ask the teacher, there's a "ask 3 before me" rule.. meaning they have to find 3 other friends to ask and if after asking, there is stil a dispute, then they can ask the teacher. So the two of them went on to find 3 other classmates and the verdict was still 4-1. 4 of them were of the same view (as me) while joy was otherwise.  So they went on to see the teacher. In the end, the teacher said joy was right. I was shocked.. wow..my girl's ang moh more steady than mine. Lol..

Me: wow.. Joy, then how did u know that there was this word?
Joy: Oh , Mrs pang (her tuition teacher) taught me in class.
Me: Then can i go attend her classes too? I think I need to brush up my English too..
Joy: No.
Me: why!?
Joy: mummy, look here. (Pointing to her right)
Mummy: Huh? Why? Stil in disbelief/daze
Joy: mummy, look here. (Pointing to her right again).
Mummy: I looked at what she was pointing and say what ?
Joy: mummy, look here (Pointing to her left this time)
Mummy: what? (Eyes not following her)
Joy: mummy, you are not "teachable" anymore bcoz if you can't follow simple instructions like that (yes the point here and there ), means that you have become an adult and you won't be able to absorb what Mrs pang says.

#chimtothemax

Not sure if I'm gullible or what, but what she says has it's degree of truth. Initially I was "wow" by her ang moh and how convicted she was by her choice of words in her compo. But I was more "wow" by her theology after that. Sometimes kids grow up so fast that we don't know. Thankful that I had the chance to talk to her abt random things and thus had an insight of her thoughts or the thoughts of tweens..lol..