We had a big fight yday. I guess it’s the result of lack of sleep the night before for both of us. Joash decided to “开party” and kept waking up every hr. He took charge of the entire night shift but I was wide awake laying on the bed. I didn’t dare move for fear that seeing me would worsen the situation. But we were all tired. 

Then the morning came and a series of assumptions + mistakes made him frustrated. I purposefully cut short my social appt and offered to pick him up at nex before picking grace from sch. In the end, we just quarreled our way at coffee bean. It was tiring especially when two people are severely sleep deprived. Halfway thru I just walked back to the car and wept. I regretted having another child. I shouldn’t have prayed for one more when we weren’t ready. The fear of him passing earlier than me hits me BAD plus the fact that his dad had a short life expectancy. His dad passed away at 54 and he’s 51. I know these are all numbers and it doesn’t count for anything. But the fears just crept in and slapped me in the face. 

We are all good now. Kissed and made up shortly after. I guess this is part of marriage - where 2 complete individuals come together and chart their lives together. Whatever destination we plan to head together, we will get there together. Just need to re-align and chart as plans change.

Rant

“Can we work on the pretext that you will always fall sick and therefore it’s important to have emergency back up plans when any of us are sick?”

This was what I told uncle pig today. It’s been 3 crazy nights where Joash will cry and wake up middle of the night and continue to cry for 1-2hrs before I resort to car ride. He came back with angry butt rash on Tuesday which made things worse. And as if that wasn’t bad enough , boy is also on milk strike. And to top it all up, uncle pig had an eye op on wed. 

So yes, I’m overwhelmed and sleep deprived. I feel so incompetent whenever he’s down. And told him that if we are supposed to be covering each other’s flaws, he hasn’t been doing his job. Becoz I always have that nagging feeling that I’m incompetent whenever medical emergencies happen. It’s unfair to me. Even when I’m overwhelmed or stressed at work, I stick to the plan of covering that part and never once made him worry. But he on the other hand, always try to do everything as though he is superman and never delegate out. 

Yes the right word is DELEGATE. Even when I told him that next week I might have 1-2 days where I can’t pick the twins from sch, and will most likely train the helper to do it, he insist that he will do it ! Why? Why can’t we let the helper pick the kids up on emergency days? Why can’t we let her do grocery runs ? Why is it when u are alrdy sleeping less than 4 hrs, u still insist on going to the market after u drop Joash? 

1 day of missed sweeping / mopping / laundry isn’t going to affect much at home. But 1 day of him out of action will drive everyone crazy. I need someone to take care of my kids in the morning if I happen to do the motn shift. Someone to help me do some small grocery run so that we can sleep in bcoz of our motn duties. You are not superman and you will fall sick. Can we just plan on the basis that if you will b sick LONG TERM, then what will happen? Am I supposed to stop work completely to care for the kids? Or are we going to only start training the helper when that happens? 

That was my conversation with him and hr ago. It felt so good to let it all out. It’s like phlegm stuck on my throat making me breathless. 

He agrees with my points and we have agreed on the following. (Coz I need to write notes to remind myself) 

In 1 mth time, the helper will be able to:

1) Pick the twins / Joash from sch. (Not that we will be using this regularly but it’s for emergency days) 

2) ad hoc grocery run like getting milk / bread etc 

3) be able to cook 1 meal on her own independently and if there isn’t any food in the fridge, she can do 2)

4) also train twins to come back from sch on their own.

In the mid term. The goal is still to let the helper make Joash zzz be it for nap or night time. 

Feeling so much better after having the honest conversation. We are together in this partnership long term. We need to cover each other’s ass. 

Insomnia who ?

345am finally transported baby into his cot sound asleep. I know I should go straight to sleep bcoz u never know what time the baby wakes up again. But I’m t fuming mad. Mad at uncle pig? Mad at myself ? Mad at baby? I guess it’s all of the above. 

Baby suddenly wakes up at 1am crying. William rushed to rescue him (despite me showing that baby fully can self smoothe himself and go back to zzz). His reason was - Joash is still battling diarrhoea and he has pooped motn for the last 2 nights. Yes it’s legit. But he didn’t let him go back to his cot to zzz. In fact tonight closing, he made koash zzz in his arms before putting him into the cot. 

Anyway the battle continued til 2plus and boy is struggling and both his parents are at wits end. I wanted William to go zzz bcoz he slept last than 4hrs the night before and tomorrow he needs to ferry joy at 6am. Haiz..

Joash finally pooped at 3am and I thought with the diaper change, I finally have a chance to zzz. No, he struggled. Can see that he’s tired but he fuss fuss. I even made milk! But boy doesn’t wanna drink. 

330am - car ride. I know the implications of it. But I don’t have any better alternatives. If I wake William up, it defeats the purpose. I know even if he zzz in the car, there’s still risks that he might wake up in the midst of transportation. 

340am - reach back to carpark coz boy is asleep. I said a silent prayer before turning off the engine. The sequence of events role played in my mind before I start the action. 

345 - in his cot still asleep. 

355am - I’m done. Going to zzz now. Pray that this is the last for this early morning. Situations like this, we can only turn to God. He is our lighthouse; our Healer. 

Praying that William eye op on wed will b a smooth one. Praying that the kids will be in their good behaviour while mama holds the fort. Praying for God’s protection upon our household. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

1611

Today’s our 16th wedding anniversary, on this special 11/6. I thought the date looked super pretty today.. haha..

We didn’t have any celebration this year. The main reason was because we just came back from a staycation and we are going to malacca tomorrow, and the little boy suddenly fell sick, on the eve of our wedding anniversary. 

We barely zzz much last night, I definitely zzz more than william coz boy needs him for bedtime.. hahah.. and that to me, is the best wedding anniversary present.. to be able to sleep, coz both of us are so sleep deprived nowadays! 

Lunch today was Teochew porridge at our neighbourhood while dinner was at my mom’s place. Even my mama was surprised that we didn’t do an eleborate celebration this year. 

I know it sounds cliché but rather than receiving flowers or spending a hefty price on food, I’m more thankful for him being my safe anchor, my partner in this parenthood. 他让我很放心就算天大的事，我们会一起承担。这对现在的我来说，是最重要的。

To the man who says he's a frog just so that I can be his princess , happy wedding anniversary. . May we continue to grow old together..  loving u more each day and thankful for taking care of all of us!

Easily triggered

Just a quick update. It’s been a week since my change in my attitude towards vera. I could see a vast improvement in her behaviour as well as our r/s. 

It’s also a lot to do with perceptions I guess. If you think the worst of her, the way I treat her would naturally correlate to that as well. But if I think it as she’s struggling to manage her emotions and the correct words, then I’ll help her in a better way. I don’t know why I took so long to realize this but I’m glad I do now. She hasn’t had much episodes this week, bcoz most of the time I could catch it at it’s infancy and we could ride it out together. Even the mini explosion that happened while I was showering and she had it with William; I could resolve it while William went to shower. And she apologised for her actions after that. If it’s the usual, it probably will take hrs the very least. But today, it was a 10-15 mins affair. 

Now that I’m more sensitive towards her, I realize that verbal language is really not her thing. I can’t remember the last time she said “I love you” to either of us. She said it was last year when I tricked her into saying (but I don’t recall). The fact that she remembers probably also means that she struggled so she remembers. Saying sorry is tough for her too but not as tough as “I love you” coz I don’t punish kids for not saying the latter.. hahahah.. 

We are still WIP, but at least we are moving in the right direction together. We even did math together today! She managed to solve one qn on her own. I helped her with the other qn but yes, one all by herself. 

Talking abt perceptions and triggers; I guess the same applies to me too. I get offended / triggered easily when some people mentioned certain topics etc. Like if my kids always feel that I’m the parent that has more free time or when friends say things like how will I 放心 to let the helper do certain things etc.. or and yes qns like “I’m breastfeeding still” etc .. 

So just like my attitude / perception towards vera ; I need to similarly change that towards all my triggers. If I could do that then it’s a personal improvement for myself. 

Just like this pic.. do you see the young lady or old woman? Others who don’t see the same light as me doesn’t naturally means that they are wrong and likewise. 

In other news, I completed this! Like finally! This took about 3 weeks. Have ordered a new kit and can’t wait! Hahaha

Documenting small wins (part 2)

Last night over dinner, vera was upset. Coz she went to shower and we started dinner without her. She was clearly upset. 

This morning while I was brushing her hair, I took the chance to talk about last night again. I asked her if she was upset bcoz we didn’t wait for her and she nodded. I apologise for our mistake and told her that we will try to wait for everyone moving forward. She didn’t fuss much during brushing hair today, to which I’m thankful. I promised to tie her favourite hairstyle for her today coz she has church. 

Some kids are better with expressing themselves but clearly vera is not one of them. It takes a lot from her to even verbal simple things that I’ve taken for granted; or never noticed. And her “childish acts” were all cues for attention; like “ MAMA!! Look at me! I need you NOW!” 

I can’t say that I’m an expert now but I hope that God give me the patience to pay attention to her needs and cues; and wisdom to balance my time among the kids. Coz as much as I wanna spot all her cues and episodes; Grace is brewing an episode on her own when she feels that mama is always talking to vera. 

God, give me the wisdom and patience to manage it all. I know my limitations but I pray that U help me pull thru it all.

Wanna also thank my therapist friend, Shu, for pointing out to me. I always thought that Vera was being difficult; that she is here to “bully” me. But in fact, she’s just different. Her ways of expressing herself is different compared to her siblings. Parenting isn’t a one size fits all, but I believe that Love and patience will help improve it all.

May you be given more and more of God’s kindness, peace, and love. - Jude 1:2 TLB

Documenting small wins

Just wanna record today’s small wins with vera.. 

This morning, after dropping Joash in school, I saw vera lazing on the sofa; clearly woken up for a while but yet to brush her teeth or change out of her pjs. I asked her ( in my angelic voice ) to brush her teeth. She just whined. And this repeated again for 3 times. The words were on my lips, but I reminded myself of what my friend said - that’s she’s struggling with her big emotions and that I should give her time and a safe space to express her emotions. I waited. I looked her in the eye and told her that if she would like, I could walk with her to the toilet so that she could brush her teeth. She nods. After she was done, I realize it wasn’t clean enough. So I had to tell her to do it AGAIN. She was clearly upset. I stroked her and explained to her that bcoz her teeth are bigger than usual, that’s why she has to take special care to make sure each tooth is thoroughly clean. She whined and whined. I bite my lips (again). I could either react by saying “U are 10 yr old, can u start behaving like one?” Or I can respond by saying “I understand that it’s annoying to have to do it again, but if you would like, mama will hold yr hand and walk to the toilet so that you could brush it again”. I did the latter. To be honest, I am surprised by my own reactions. And I’m going to give myself a pat . It takes extra work and patience. And despite this, she continued to have a few episodes. 

Before leaving the house for lunch, I could see her emotions about to erupt again - coz William was doing room cleaning with her and she needed to clean up her clutter. I on the other hand, wanted to brush her hair. While we were brushing her hair, she whine and cried again. Not those big big tears cry but it was soft cry. I asked her why, what happened? She said it was painful. I gave her a hug. I explained to her coz her hair is curly and she seldom comb (bcoz it’s always tangle) and thus we need to comb .. and perhaps we could just trim a little etc. she was okie when I was done and cleaned her snot on me. 

Documenting this today to remind myself that I need to be especially sensitive towards my little princess; that my responses towards her could either lead to a bomb explosion or a successful bomb dismantle. My friend says she’s proud of me; that I’ve become a 拆弹专家。

I know this isn’t going to be the last of such incidents but I’m thankful for the small win today. She is happy now. She waited for me to b back with my food at the hawker centre while the rest started eating. It’s her way of expressing her love. I know. I love you too my dear princess. We can overcome all these together!