This morning started well, with me sleeping til 8plus.. I could hear the girls awake and Joy offered to make pancakes for them for breakfast. Thus allowing me to sleep in a bit more. 

I had breakfast with the girls while the men were out for their morning walk. 

It’s heartening to know that the girls were enthusiastic in helping out.. I seriously did not see this coming and I’m so thankful for the little kind gestures. 

Vera fed J at 10am  while papa showered him. Joy carried him thereafter coz he didn’t seem satisfied after his feed.. lol... she was super proud that she managed to make him zzz! 

J & J 

My heart is full with gratitude when I see this.. mayb my initial fears were unfounded. But right now, I’m thankful for everything that has happened.. 

She even told me that it’s a lot easier caring for this little man than the twins.. lol.. to which I agree ..

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/psa.107.1.niv

Thankful

Following my emo post yday, with a heavy heart, I finally decided to just do pumping. The first 24 hrs went by very well, with me having good sleep in beteeen pumps. In fact , I seem to have more time and energy during the day as well, even manage to do a bit of work today.. lol.. 

I did also latch J twice today.. though it couldn’t be considered as serious.. it’s just before his scheduled feeding time but he was alrdy fussy liaoz.. still pain but becoz no expectations / stress, so I was happy.. 

The other two girls came back today.. Vera was super excited to see baby J..and Grace was more than happy to brief Vera on the Do’s and Don’ts when it comes to caring for the little man. 

The little Mei Mei isn’t that little anymore.. 

Joy on the other hand was just more than happy to update us on her life during these 10 days break.. and I don’t know what came to me, but I asked her anyway.. if she would like to try to carry the little man, and her reply was “sure!” .. honestly I was pretty surprised , but thankful that I asked. She carried him for a while, and baby J tried to latch her.. hhahaha .. so funny .. I hope this is a good start but I guess we will see in the days to come. 

Gotten be an exciting week coz the whole kampung is back..by dinner time, I was exhausted from all the noises.. and thankfully that I’ve switched to pumping .. I can’t imagine if I still had to latch etc .. lol.. 

Thankful for these beautiful moments .. thankful for a bunch of girlfriends who are always around to listen to my emos.. tomorrow is a fresh day and God is with us in this household !

Baby diary

I’m torn between latching him and being pain or just pump and having regulated zzz for the whole household.. It wasn’t as pain til we intro the bottle to him.. and latch means it’s hrs of latching while bottle is chop chop . Everyone gets zzzz... last night was the first night I relented and agreed that William will give him the bottle while I just wake up to do my regular pumps. The end result? Both men only woke up once at 1am for feeding and the next feed was at 6am! While I woke up 3x to pump.. a stark contrast compared to the first 2 nights when no one gets any decent sleep bcoz I was latching him thru the night and halfway thru I was either too tired or too pain or both that I asked william to take over. But baby just wanted me then and end up all three of us can’t zzz.. and when dawn came, william had to resume his normal duties and though I could catch some nap, I felt bad.. 

The advantages of the bottle is obvious. Even today I only latch him from 630-730 and from 8plus til now , I’m as dead as a zombie.. exhaustion plus pain from the nipples.. 

even blogging now with my eyes close..

This is going to be my last child and if I give up on latching now, there’s no turning back. 

Can’t quite decide yet bcoz brain isn’t awake and I’m waiting for grace to be done with her kitchen chores .. I need some 😴 

 “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/psa.18.2.niv

Update 

J said I should do a pros and cons of pump vs latch so rust my heart and mind can hopefully reconcile.. Here goes : 

Latch 

- special bonding with baby, especially since this is my last baby 

- super damn tiring

- I can’t see how much he drink and his jaundice isn’t clear 

Pump

- regular timing of 20 mins every 3 hrly

- can see the amt that baby drinks 

- mobile, and I can still work / be present with the girls 

- anyone can help to bottle the baby

It’s quite obvious who the clear winner is. Not that this table helps much . Cried on the bed looking at J.. it’s so silly lo.. haiz .. anyway yes I will pump most of the time and latch him once a day. If he forgets abt it, so be it la.. I never manage to latch joy successfully but we went on to have extraordinary bonds.. I need to remember this.. 

Exciting times

255am - wide awake. Been awake since 1am after feeding Joash. He’s coming in again at 4am and I really should have zzzz in between the feeds but somehow tonight it’s so tough to fall asleep. 

Probably because we are going home in a few hrs. It’s like these few days have been nice, some sort of like a vacation where there’s only the 2 of us plus the 3hrly baby.. hahaha .. but after we head home, we wil have all the different duties / hats that we wear.. I’m back to being a mama for 4 kids while not only is he the papa of our household, he’s also the “marketing manager”, my “CL”, the chauffeur for everyone, the problem solver for all big and small things. 

The hospital prepared a special celebratory menu to commemorate our “graduation”.

Cocktails came at 4pm.. wow, it’s even fancier than the afternoon tea we had during our staycation at Intercontinental recently. 

Dinner came at 6pm 

Trying to take a cheeky selfie.. hahaha.. 

It’s also over dinner that I could sense his nervousness. And I asked him if he was more stressed this time round or the last round when we had a toddler, and a pair of newborns with no help. He was my CL then and many more. His reply caught me by surprise. He said it was definitely this time round. Despite the fact that we had a helper and our girls are older, simply becoz we are older, and the emotional needs of our girls cannot be neglected. Back then it was just me and joy emotion needs but now we have 4 女人 plus his mama who has been quite challenging also..back then, we were younger and simply bulldozed thru the challenge.

For the first time, I could see fear in my man’s eyes. I’m glad he was honest with me. And honestly, there isn’t anyone who I would go down this route with other than him. Told him that if really needed, we could order last min confinement tingkat, or I could just eat the normal food. There isn’t any hard and fast rules n we just need to be each other’s pillar of support. 

A heart of thankfulness

 心情: 晴天 ☀️

After 2 nights of good sleep, I woke up chirpy and eager to start the day. Not sure if my stance will remain the same when HBL starts... but for now, I’m glad the Govt came up with this measure in view of the many unlinked cases / clusters sprouting everywhere. 

The twins parent grp chat was buzzing with questions on how the exams would be settled coz by right they should have exams till Thursday. Poor Teachers, getting bombarded by them. To me, it didn’t really matter since it’s not even a national exam. And secondly, I told the girls that studying is for knowledge. So even if the exams are scrapped this time round, the knowledge/revision that we went thru is good to keep! 

Did some work this morning.. trying to enjoy the last 10 days of “baking”. William ask if I wanna go for my ctg today, I told him I didn’t feel like. I’m monitoring the kicks and that’s assuring enough. Too troublesome to crawl to Gleneagles and b there for 1hr plus then braved the jam/parking and crawl home.. 

Joy made this yday when I passed a remark saying that I’m craving for the brownies she made last week. Without hesitation, she baked a batch yesterday afternoon. I’m blessed. I see and acknowledged her subtle love ❤️ . I see a gradual change in her attitude towards baby J and I’m thankful for that. In fact, she has been holding the fort at home when we were in hospital, briefing the helper on what to cook and making sure that her sisters are well fed plus managing any fights etc. 

My heart is full with gratitude. And I just wanna enjoy this moment of bliss.. 

As for when the arrival of baby J etc, I’ve prayed over it and surrendered to God. He will help me settle it la.. haha.. if it really results in an emergency c sec, so be it. If we could wait til the stipulated date, good. But whatever it is, God is in control. He will know when’s the best timing. Baby J is God’s gift for us and I have to remember that. Don’t let the enemy throw doubts / fears. Just enjoy this moment of being pregnant, of not doing anything. Be present bcoz now is the moment. Now is the time to enjoy.. 

Made of water (part 2)

I cried big time at the clinic just now. Never happened before, not even when my eggs were under developing.. it’s the hormones. It’s probably the trauma I witnessed last night. 

Gynae repeated his stand, for the best of the baby, we should aim for at least week38 or the original scheduled c sec date. If I want, he could let me do 24/5 or 25/5, instead of 27/5, but it didn’t make a lot of difference (in my opinion). 

He wants to do another CTG tomorrow (Sunday) and if all’s good, then it’s still the week of 24th onwards. I’ve never felt so despaired and probably the lack of proper sleep made me more frustrated as well. 

He says he understands my concerns, and thus if I wanted, I could come down everyday to do a CTG. Else otherwise, I can start doing my homework by counting the fetal movement.. 

I was so tired after that I couldn’t think. We went for lunch before heading home. My tears continued in the car. Actually I also not sure why it just kept on flowing. I felt bad that I couldn’t stop crying. 

My tutu fringe cut by uncle choo..it didn’t really matter that it was so short coz no ones going to see it anyway..lol

I spend some time with the girls, took a shower and had a nap. Not going to lie that I’m struggling. But I’m taking refuge in this for now. God is with me and He is in control! 

P/s: a voice in my mind asked me to google and I saw this.. actually jm send me this last week but I wasn’t convinced entirely. But today, I went to research it and yes , this probably explains why my gynae stand.. 

And joy just received info that her sch will commence HBL from coming Friday onwards. Which also means if we were to do our c sec on 24/5, the logistics would b fine. Bcoz she would b home to hold the fort anyways. Letting all the news settle down and discuss with uncle later..

My 2D1N staycation

Waiting for uncle to arrive with my toothbrush and ya kun breakfast, and settle the discharge paperwork. It’s been a long night. 

14/5

Grace woke up with diarrhoea, the stomach flu virus probably moved from her stomach to her large/small intestines, her PD said. Thought I came in to see my gynae at the same time since both are at the same area. Especially since I noticed that there wasn’t much fetal movement since the wee hrs. I probably am paranoid. Coz baby J is usually quite active. I shook him several times in the morning and still there was no response. 

A call to the gynae and he says to do a CTG at the labour ward just to b sure. Aiya..I actually just wanna c 2 doctors at the same day leh.. coz my scheduled gynae appt is the next day but I thought since I’m here liaoz might as well. Anyway even my PD also said the same thing , to do a CTG. 

So here I was in labour ward, and still in good spirits. I know the CTG was for an hr, and if all’s good, I could leave this place with grace and uncle who are both camping at the lobby coz no kids allowed at labour ward.

My kid who is happily anchored and reading her books. 

Once into the CTG, I could hear the baby heartbeat and was super relieved. Hahahaha... like okie good.. I’m just paranoid. 

I was also given this to click each time baby kicked. The missy asked if I knew I was also having contractions?! I was like “what!?” Ermm.. no I didn’t know.. What’s the difference between the two ah ? Lol.. coz despite this being my nth pregnancy, I’ve been blessed to never experience contractions. Or mayb I had, I just didn’t know they were called contractions. Lol... felt like a first time mama.. 

So anyway, gynae prescribed some meds to stop contractions and I would have to b in for another hr, before I could go home. By this time, I told the lobby gang to go home first but grace refused. She wasn’t prepared to leave without me or the baby. Awwww...I told them it’s going to b another hr and they said it’s fine.. oh well.. 

2 hrs and 2 tablets later, the contractions didn’t seem to settle and gynae wanted to start me on a drip, which would b my new BFF for the whole night. 🤦‍♀️

I also had to order my lunch. Told the lobby gang to head home. No point waiting for me anymore. 

The soup was awesome, laksa wasn’t spicy enough and yes, I was curious to know what’s the big hooha over the lobster meals at Gleneagles. (Over rated)

I actually was craving for the peach tarts at Delifrance.. begged the nurse to let me go down to grab one but no one entertained me.. lol.. it’s so near yet so far. Was tempted to order via Grab but it would have been so ridiculous to do so as well. Hahahaha.. but thankfully I still manage to have it at abt 5pm when uncle choo came over (after settling all the home errands/logistics/ settling the sick child) 

My dinner.. brimming with happiness to see my hubby and finally someone to talk to instead of text to.. love the soup and chocolate cake but the steak was too well done for my liking.. lol..

Gynae came in abt 6pm and told me that I’m going to stay in for the night.. omg .. with the drip! Coz my contractions are still there and he really really hopes that we keep the baby in for another week or two despite that baby would cross 37 on 15/5..😭😭😭

Told the gynae that I would much prefer to remove the drip, keep the contractions so that I could move up to a single ward instead of staying in the labour ward, esp since a noisy neighbour just checked in. (Sorry I sound bratty and spoilt- first world prob) 

He nods his head and I showed him my 🥺 and he says to tahan for just 1 night. And he left. I didn’t understand why he was so insistent on baking for another week or two but william says he must have his reasons and we should just wait patiently. Which is so hard for me. 

Drama happened shortly after the gynae left. Both william and I heard loud cries along the corridor. And the cries became louder and louder. It seems to come from my ward toilet! Omg what happened!? I peeked out from my bed curtain and noticed that the neighbour wasn’t at her bed. In fact, the housekeeping cleaned out her bed within the next hr. 

I was in shock. The last I remembered was her gynae came to check on her, she was week 34 and also noticed little fetal movement since last night. I asked the nurse subsequently and she said that her gynae couldn’t detect baby heartbeat so most likely will do a delivery immediately and hope for the best.. 😞😞😞

My heart sank.. though I never saw the neighbour face at all.. only heard her .. it’s every parent worst nightmare.. to have to deliver a baby with no heartbeat. I personally have 2 clients who had to go thru the same thing, and thus, am fearful/paranoid throughout this pregnancy. I’m praying that a miracle will happen for this neighbour. 

And for a moment I’m thankful that I came in early. I was paranoid and kiasi. 

William left shortly and I did a zoom session with the girls. They were worried and I just wanted to check in on them. 

Doesn’t joy look very much like me?

The “thing” that would follow me everywhere thru the night. Also mean that each time I needed to go toilet, I had to press the bell for assistance..

Thankfully I managed to catch some sleep and the gynae came at 7am.. 

I asked again if we could just do the c sec since it’s 37 but he says that if he had a choice, he would prefer to keep baby in there. I could be discharge by late morning and walk to his clinic for an ultrasound. 

Our breakfast before discharge. I’m having ya kun while uncle is having hospital food.. hahahaha.. he must have been exhausted from all the errands etc.. it’s tough managing me and his girls and everything.. 

Got a shock when he showed me the bill..$2800.. I knew it wouldn’t be cheap bcoz it was all ala carte priced and the observation charges were based on hourly rates.. but it was still “mind blowing” when the bill came..

Need to come in to labour ward again tomorrow to monitor again. But for now, I’m thankful that all is fine. Waiting for my turn at the clinic. 

I shan’t complain. Look at the bright side of things. I had peaceful rest. I had a lot of time praying yday. God is in control. 

Bible verse

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such a timely reminder.. Just wanna embrace this verse and remind myself that God is in control. All will happen in His own timing, and in His plans. 

It has been a hectic week, with grace coming down with stomach flu since Tuesday and joy with a sprained waist on Wednesday. I know william still has a bucket list of things to complete and the only thing I can help is to sleep and rest. I know, and I’m trying. But once every few days, insomnia hits me like a good friend, just like tonight. 

The room is peace and quiet, with joy and Vera. But my mind just wonders and wonders. It almost doze off for a while and then something will suddenly jolt me wide awake. 

I know I need to zzz early bcoz Tom is public holiday and I need all the rest or else I’ll start screaming at the girls again.. 

Thankful for this beautiful verse. Will go and try to zz again.

Made of water

These days, my tear ducts seem to be working in overdrive mode that even little little things would start me on a drizzle and slightly bigger things into a thunderstorm.. 

Like how it happened yday when william suddenly decided to ask his mom to stay for lunch and dinner in view of Mother’s Day. The initial plan was to celebrate Mother’s Day with her for lunch and send her home, before we go out for our own dinner as a family of 5. The logical me understood why he wanna do that and I’m fine with it. Really. I didn’t show a black face or was pissed with him. 

Abt 3plus, while everyone was enjoying their tv, I told william that I was sleepy and wanna go get a nap. But once I went into the room, my tear ducts went into overdrive mode and I just kept crying and crying .. omg .. something that I kept telling myself to stop. And even after grace came in, I couldn’t stop. She was concerned why I was crying and I had to tell her that I was having a headache. Like I know she’s in the room so all the more I should stop, but I can’t ! The tears kept going and going, until william got to know of it. And we weren’t even quarrelling over anything ! 

He didn’t say anything and gave me a hug. And send his mom home after the movie ended. I told him I’m fine and I understand why. I just needed time to process and stop my tears. But he says it’s fine. In the end, I cried to sleep with a blocked nose and only woke up after he came back. We went for dinner as per arranged. 

I hope that my emotions would come back after confinement. It does seem that the hormones are on overdrive this pregnancy. Even though the reasons for the  emotional me during T1 and now are entirely different. Now I don’t even know what’s happening.. omg 😱 

Anyway, I’ve decided to take a break and enjoy the rest of the time I have before the baby arrive. Not doing much work except admin or some little follow ups etc.. going to do exams prep with the twins. We went thru 1 set of exam papers for each subject thus far, and I know there’s a lot more revision that needs to be done. 

Hopefully, our relationship doesn’t end after mid terms.. lol.. 

went to gynae on sat. I’m officially week 36 and baby is estimated at 3kg. I would b full term by 15/5 and 17 days more to the scheduled c sec date, if baby is cooperative. 

I guess one can never be overly prepared for his arrival. But when it comes, I’m comforted that I have william by my side to go thru it all.  Thankful that baby is kicking well and active, even though it means sleep is an issue. 

Praying that the delivery will b smooth, the logistics would b fine, and the girls would welcome our family member.