Even when she’s still grieving, she doesn’t show it at all. 

She continues to show up to be the 大姐for her siblings, to help jaga Joash while William is out for his gathering. I know she’s crying inside and her way is to bury it so that we wouldn’t worry about her. I wished she wouldn’t hide it.

God, thank you for sending joy to us. I pray that you lead us in this journey as she seeks you, that we remember of your faithfulness everyday, every part of this journey. I pray that when one door closes, you will open the right doors for her. God I bring that You bring hope to her, that she be reminded that in everything You are in control. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Tough week

Happy nails to an otherwise tough week.. 

What was supposed to be a 3D2N couple short trip ended up being a half day trip to JB bcoz William mom is still in hospital, coupled with the fact that Joy is going to do her own jab tomorrow and I wanted to be around for her. I don’t think I can even start talking abt this without tearing. Even the few words here is able to start me on a heavy downpour. 

I saw this bible verse on Joash artwork from church on Saturday. Trying my best to remind myself of God’s promises though at this moment in time, it did little to comfort me. 

The last week has been extremely tough. 

I had a heart to heart talk with Joy to brtter understand her condition. Turns out she has been in extreme pain for longer than I thought. When I asked why she never once told us abt it, her only reply to us was she didn’t want to be an additional burden to us coz our hands are full with the other 3 kids. My heart broke once again. 😭😭😭 My sensible teenager who thought it’s better that she just swallow her pain so that she doesn’t cause further trouble to us. 

I ended up killing myself for the first few days bcoz of this. 

“Had I not paid enough attention to her such that she didn’t think it was safe to speak up?”

“Why didn’t I notice the signs?” 

“What kind of mom am I when I don’t even know what’s the name of her illness?” 

“Why have we given her bad genes?”

“Why can’t I be the one suffering?”

心很痛

And then the financial mom went to check her coverage. My planning for my own kids or my clients’ kids have been consistent. Get H&S for them and a basic whole life plan and they can always top up the rest when they start work. 

But this will no longer be an option for her. Her condition meant she can no longer buy any insurance. 

Has my planning been flawed? On hindsight I should have gotten an additional huge term with convertibility, so that the parents / kids have a chance to top up without health assessment. 

This I shared with my client during the Saturday review. I ended up tearing during the appt, which was so unexpected. I had spoke too much that my wound hurts. 

In fact the last week I ended up crying everywhere when some of my friends asked. Haiz.. I was a total wreck. 

I felt that I had failed in so many areas: 做妈妈也没做好，做我唯一会做的工作也没把它做到完整。

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Praying for God’s healing upon her and wisdom to ride thru this journey together. Praying that I will be out of the woods soon. Amen!

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day to (me and) all the 伟大的妈妈! It’s so challenging to be a mama these days. A mama these days means wearing many hats - to be able to parent the children, work like one has no kids, be able to cook, do art and craft , provide tuition for the kids, and be put to scrutiny on social media for non impt people to judge and criticize! Anyway I’m on a social media fast for now (not sure how long it will last, but will enjoy this moment for now) as part of the “protecting myself” movement. Hahahaha.. I think it’s part of strengthening my own mental health and trying to protect my subconsciousness and time. Coz I know how much time is wasted scrolling through socials endlessly. 

Anyway today is not about that. It’s about being grateful for every single day of my life. I’m thankful for God who spoke to me in a vision 4yrs ago that He would give me a son. I didn’t believe it at that moment, although His voice was clear. I got pregnant shortly after and Joash was borne the following year. No one thought that we would have more kids, coz infertility has haunted us for yrs. And it’s  only possible becoz of God. He chose to bless us with this little boy who sometimes drive us crazy to the point that I had to remind myself that Joash is a gift from God. 

The Birth of Samuel

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.

Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord. 

Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. 

Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” 

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” 

As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.” “

Not so, my Lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” 

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 

She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. 

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.””

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1‬:‭1‬-‭20 

I remembered this was the msg preached then. I could totally relate to Hannah, who felt tormented by her infertility. In fact, this msg carried me for many seasons before we had the twins. When I heard it again 4yrs ago, it carried a very different feeling. I wasn't downcasted. I was thankful for the many blessings in my life. But I asked God, if He would give us our last kid, if He think that we would be up for it? And He said yes. And that was it. 

Thankful for the Lord, who never sends the wrong order but in His perfect Timing. 

Happy weekend my friends!

Me!

Swimming again coz I haven’t exercised at all this week! Swimming is my safe haven. I wished I could do it in the evening when it’s not that sunny. In time to come when my kids are older and more open to allow mama have her swimming without them. 

April has been quite slow for me. Have a lot of appts but not much closing. Our work is like farming. I guess this is the season of planting seeds and waiting. I can wait. I shall be patient. If this is the place that God plants me to be, He will show me His ways and plans for me. 

”Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭31‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

Weekend blues

Cried so hard last night. It was almost bedtime and Vera mood swings got into me. It’s Sunday night which means in a couple of hrs, it’s school for her and she hates it. She’s struggling a lot with school ever since P5 and this yr. 

A chat with grace and she said that vera doesn’t like school coz her classmates are toxic. ☠️

I also noticed that she hasn’t been eating lately. She would say she doesn’t wan breakfast, and then skip recess and even after coming home, she only eat little for lunch. 

I had a chat with Vera and tried to offer comfort food for her breakfast. Eventually she decided on porridge. Also tried to understand why she’s feeling the way she is, but she isn’t saying much. I’m not sure if these are the pre signs of depression, or I’m simply reading too much into it. 

Or mayb the PSLE run is making her so stressed this yr. She always referred herself as the “dumb” one compared to her sisters, and sometimes we/ her sisters do make fun of her too. Haiz.. 

Then all of a sudden, while making Joash zz, I was afraid of losing her. Text William to go check on her when I was in the midst of Joash closing. But he said when he went into her room she was sound asleep. 

Dunno how to say this without sounding crazy. But I don’t want to be oblivious to my kids and lose them before I realize it’s too late. I have done 2 claims ever since I joined this line - my very closed friend and colleague when we first joined the biz; and my client’s kid 2yrs ago. And such instances/ news always hit me hard. Coz no one could have picked up the seriousness of the condition. It’s not like cancer or heart attack where the signs were more physically obvious, the signs of depression aren’t. 

Maybe I’m just thinking too much. Maybe it’s the weekend busyness that led me being super overwhelmed. 

I paused and did breathing exercises before deciding if I wanna be the screaming parent or be the connected parent. I’m glad, that I was intentional. I’m just praying that God continues to give me the wisdom and patience to guide my kids. I want to have an intentional and fulfilling relationship with all of them, even though it seems so hard all the time. 

“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.121.2.NIV

This is me - after a swim on a Monday afternoon. Waiting for the two men to join me. 

The swim did good to me. Or mayb becoz I haven’t seen my emo+sensitive kid yet. I did buy some donuts after my appt and hopefully that would help cheer them up. My relax work regime continues post-US trip. Right now, I’m still enjoying these precious moments but I know it’s only a matter of time before the anxieties crept in. 

Thankful that I exercised today. Let’s try to keep to the 4x exercise regime. Be it for my physical or mental health

Tough morning

One of the tough mornings today.. did the morning drop off together with this little man, but after dropping his sisters off, he cried his way home. Kept insisting that he wanted to drink milk before going to sch 🫠🫠🫠

I relented and thought perhaps he could take the bus with the helper after his milk feed. But no, he took his time to do everything except to go to sch.. I felt defeated and regretted letting both of them go. Eventually he only ageeed to school after we called papa. But the drama didn’t end there. He went to the bus stop with our helper, before u-turning home and said he wants me to bring him to sch. So here I am, at the entrance of the childcare with a clingy boy who refused to go in. It happens at times, but rare. 

I felt so so defeated. And it’s only 9 in the morning.

I know they are coming back next week. 很快的. But at this moment, I just can’t reconcile my emotions with what’s logical

Cried myself silly on the drive back. Must be hormones. Or lack of food. 

Gorged myself silly after the cry. Order the above plus steamed bread. So much for trying to reduce my emotional eating 🥲🥲

Did some impulsive shopping at shein, to get ready for cny + also bcoz I know I’ll be able to return all the impulsive purchases when my mind is ready.

My eyes felt so swollen as I made my way home. Had a zoom at 10am and no matter what, life continues. Work continues. I hate adulting. 

Went for a swim right after my zoom, else I don’t know what else can help make me feel better. 

I love how peaceful and calm whenever I see the pool. Going to take my time to sit here before I go back to mama duties.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but jin every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians‬ ‭4‬‬:‭6‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Reflections 2023

“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse came at the right time, when I was questioning myself what I shall do for 2024, and why I wanna do what I’m doing. 

A conversation with another adviser today reminded me of the core values/ reasons why I wanted to step up. And what my driving motivation will be. It was mainly to educate and enhance their skill sets so that each of them will be able to be more confident in front of their clients. My objective is to up their skills, something I lost direction of in the midst of the few mths. lol… and WHY im doing this is simply to PAY IT FORWARD. 

2024 I hope I stay grounded in my core values. That I wouldn’t look left and right and be the fomo manager who wanna do 101 things and lose sight of what is most impt. People who decided to join me, didn’t join me bcoz I was a fun person to be with, or bcoz I was good at arranging for team bonding activities. They joined bcoz they wanted to know what I have in my skills bag, and as long as I continue to just share what I do generally for my own clients, and if they follow suit, then they should be fine too. Those who decide not to, no matter what I do, they wouldn’t. So I shan’t let them affect me too. 

Mind blowing revelation at 143am.. 

Even though it’s a Sleepless night again. 

Not sure if it was bcoz of the kopi O at 2pm, or was it the fact that this is the last week of the yr and I’ve finally going to have some rest etc.. 

I only have a morning zoom on Fri and That’s it for 2023. What an eventful 2023. So many things I thought not do-able, I’ve managed to step out of my comfort zone to try. I don’t dare say I’ve excelled in all, but at least I’ve tried. I do hope that by this time next yr, I can confidently say that my babies haven’t made the wrong choice in choosing me.. hahaha.. 

Perhaps I should start doing my reflections for 2023 since I’m still wide awake. 

Reflections 2023

1) Work

- I don’t have the final sales figures yet, but I think it should be abt 600 apples thereabouts. Not too bad, considering that we transited in Jul plus I had the extra exciting role. 

2) Weight 

- I gained weight .. haiz.. the gym made me eat more. I’m back to my weight in jul 2022.. sian.. I do hope that I’ll go back to the gym in 2024 and probably cut down on my traveling. 

- traveling makes my work schedule haywire, and makes me reluctant to head to the gym too.. hahaha.. excuses but ya.. 

3) Family 

- relationships w vera definitely got better. The occasional “math with mama” definitely helped improve both her math plus our r/s. Thank god! Next yr she has requested for math tuition at the centre so I’m thankful that it’s not entirely up to me to coach. 

-  Joash is definitely starting to have his tantrums and challenges. In fact just a few days ago, I was thinking.. if we hadn’t had him, I wouldn’t need to keep having a headache on if I should encash my work trips or bring the two men along etc. But I know God has his reasons for giving us 4 kids and it’s a blessing that I’m grateful for. 

- the two older kids are more reliable and 让我很放心。

- Hopefully 2024 I’ll try to make time for each of them again. 

That shall be it for now coz 周公终于来找我了. Good night !

Emotional warfare

My period came and that probably explains all the emotional turmoil I went thru the last few days. Decided that I should still go to the gym as planned. Packed and got ready. It was great to sweat it out, even though I was worried that it wasn’t droplets of perspiration oozing out.. hahahaha.. glad that I did it. Felt extremely proud of myself. Sense of relief that my period is finally here. Somehow my hormones have been acting up in recent mths and as much as I try my best to prevent it from happening, it’s hard. 

This mth, I felt so inadequate, and not doing enough. Felt that no matter how hard I tried, I was not good enough. Not good compared to xxx or yyy. (I know I shouldn’t look left or right, but compared to myself alone). But the hormones are playing tricks to my mind and just a week ago, I had believed them. 

That was then. 

Fast forward to now. Last night, while I was still in BKK, the word “contentment” whispered into my ears. Contentment - a state of happiness and satisfaction. The bible says 1 Timothy 6:6-12 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Not saying that I wouldn’t push myself. I will. But I want to remember to be contented with whatever the end results it brings, bcoz God is in control. He knows what I need, and what is required. Might not necessarily give me all that I asked for, but whatever He gives will be perfect for me. 

I’m sure I’ll forget all these in 3 weeks time when the hormones start stirring again. Penning this down so that I can use it for my warfare in time to come. 

Me

So blessed by the message today. God has my back, and His arms ever ready to help me if I fall. Such assurance and such a relief, to know that He is always there for us. 

Having a bit of issues with some annoying person (not work related), and I feel that she should deliver what she promise on her end, but she has gone radio silence 😫😫😫 Situation like this, I struggled. Struggle to make sense of it, struggle to be the bigger person and WAIT. 道理在我这，可是我又能如何。Just reminding myself that God is in control. He is watching me and over me. Lol.. (there’s a difference in the meanings if you understand what I mean.. hahaha). It irks me when I’m not in control. And I’m not a patient person. But I guess this is a chance for me to learn. 

Sep seems like a short mth for me coz there’s the 1 week sch holidays then I’m flying off to Athens last week of sept. There’s 101 things to do but time isn’t on my side. Hahaha.. Praying that I stay focus as I meet the challenges ahead! 

Battling Depression

Today the world received news that Coco Lee lost her life to depression. 🥲

I’m not her fan, but each time such news come along, it hits me HARD. Depression is hard, be it for the patient or for her family and friends. It has no signs and sometimes can be deceiving that alls good. 

Depression is like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like it has left you, and you are all good, stable and happy. But the next moment, it creeps in like a sneaky enemy and bring you to the lowest valley possible. God is the safety belt on my roller roaster. I know He is my anchor, and a very stable safety belt. But I too, have my doubts and my low days. Days when I felt like cutting away the safety belt, days when I wonder how low my valleys will be and how long will it take for me to finally see light at the end of my tunnel. My prayer for myself, is to always know that God is always always there for me, for all of us, irregardless of whether you can see Him. 

我好想你，你过得好吗？

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.7.8.NIV

Haywire emotions

Been feeling super annoyed and depressed and emo coz the MIL is here. Somehow every time she’s here, my hormones go haywire. I need to have control of my own emotions instead of bursting for legit or stupid reasons. 

A part of me know that whatever she does or believes in, I shouldn’t let her affect me. That’s why I should control my own feelings. But I’m not God. I have a lot of flaws, especially when it comes to managing that side of the family. 

I just can’t forget how biased she is, against the father of my kids and against my kids too. How she used to call my kids “ 哭包” or other names, despite us reminding her that they actually have real names. It frustrates me too, when I see how she dote on Joash now - a classic example of how 重男轻女 the people of her generation is. I’m just thankful she isn’t the primary caregiver or stays with us long term, otherwise it would be so hard to insist on our parenting decisions.

She will be here with us for at least 2 weeks. Coz She needs to go for an eye op and it’s better than she stays with us for this period so that someone could attend to her needs. It frustrates me too, when the other son seems non committal on the whole entire incident! So much for doting on the other son. 😖

Omg 😳.. I know all these feelings I have bottled up, isn’t healthy for my own well being. I know. And I’m not helping William in any way, if I continue to be bitter and angst over it. But It’s so hard. 

My only solution is to pen this so that I reorganise my thoughts before I go home tonight. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.     

− Reinhold Niebuhr

Praying that God carry me in this journey. I honestly don’t feel like going for the gathering tomorrow coz I have no wavelength to make small talk or b understanding. I’m tired. I just wan my personal space back. 

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.42.11.NIV

Validation

This Video came just at the right time when I was trying to think of how to compose my thoughts.

The comparison is real. I get demoralised whenever I see parents bringing their kids to do this and that, and then I look at my kids who seem to not be doing as much coz their parents (us) hands are always full with things, or simply bcoz I’m easily exhuasted. Uncle pig says we do occasional zoos only bcoz such activity requires too much energy and after that I’ll be so exhuasted. He is not wrong. I wish he was. 

I know I’m not a lousy parent. I just engage my kids differently. I don’t do the Montessori stuff with my kids, or bring them outdoors as often. And sometimes the social media just made comparison much easier to see and harder not feel lousy. 

The irony of it all is I never compare myself for work. Never. 

I need to remind myself to realign my thoughts, and that the dynamics of every family is different. It brings to the next point of validation. Our actions shouldn’t need to be validated by society or social media. Why do I wanna set a bar so high and make myself emo crazy over something like that ? 

I should b contented with the blessings I have in life. That no matter what happens, I do want the best I can give to my kids and the best is enough. 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Nostalgic Times

Enjoying my freeeeee day today and feeling so relieved that all the appts got postponed! (J says tat I'm the only person she knows who's delighted to have appts flew.. hahaha) But its nice to have a breather, esp when the last few weeks were always packed to the brim (though not all are work related) Finally a time for me to go thru my thoughts, have some quiet time and also finish up my outstanding to do list.

Met up with 2 separate ex-colleagues this week... friends from ancient times.. lol.. times when we cried together, times when training was hard. The first lady left the industry to focus on her other biz and the last we saw each other was at PCK's wedding, which was many years ago. It was nice to see her again, we talked a little abt our firstborn and how both of them are taking their O levels this year. It just seem yday when we met up with our babies at bugis..hahaha.. nostalgic times. I'm glad to see her again, coz we drifted - we were all busy + there were some misunderstandings back then (which I dont think either of us can rem the details now) . Told J that i probably should organize a small gathering among the few of us.. those days were precious memories to me.. and mayb its really old age, that you start to treasure the people who made major footprints in my life back then.

The other lady left the industry very early on. Met the love of her life, and migrated to NL. We meet up once a while when she comes back to SG to visit her family and friends. I always say that i should visit her whenever I travel to Europe, but somehow the logistics make it hard..hahaha.. will see if I can do it this couple of years. 

I think I'm at the stage where I see some of the decisions me and my peers made back then, and how it affects us now.. I'm not saying who's right or who's wrong coz at the end of the day, we make our own choices and we live by it. It kinda reminds me that whatever I choose to do or not to do now, will also bounce and hit me in my face 10 years later..hahaha.. i know its chim, but ya, praying that God give me wisdom to make the right choices and that I wouldn't stray away from the light. 

Anyway, in other news! We celebrated Joash 2nd bday last few days. Seem surreal that he's finally become 2! I'm reminded recently that I'm blessed to have him, that he is truly God's sent! Thankful for the precious gift and at the same time praying that he start to sleep properly at night! Please God, let him zzz thru from 9-7am and i'll be so grateful. Been feeling so zonk out coz he wakes up at 1-2 times every night and only wants me.. bahahahaha.. no I do not need to feel "preferred" in that sense. 

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. - Colossians 3:12 

Proud mama

This is alrdy the second cup of paid coffee outside today.. hahaha.. so much abt paying for only 3 cups a week. Let’s see how the rest of this week goes. 

Woke up super early today coz we had to attend Joy’s student leader investiture. Proud moment for her and us. Glad that she’s enjoying her secondary sch life, thankful that the school has transformed her to be the independent, responsible leader she is now. #proudmamamoment

She wasn’t always enjoying her secondary sch life. The first year was hard, and there were a lot of adjustments to be made. Im glad she pulled thru. Fast forward and now she’s enjoying every moment of her final year in MGS. By the end of the ceremony, I was tempted to put the twins in this sch, if their results permit. But I’m haunted by how far the sch is.. hahaha.. we shall see how they fare. I know God has plans for them, in His own special way. 

Still waiting for my 11am appt but I’m so sleepy now. Omg.. it’s always the first appt that give me the jitters. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/2co.12.9.NIV

New challenges

都不知道自己在紧张什么，只不过是待会儿会和两个认识很久的同事喝个咖啡聊一聊。 昨晚整夜都睡不好，很guazhang 吧。🤣🤣🤣

They have requested to change over to my team and I’m not sure if I will be able to live up to their expectations. After all, I do feel that their existing team leader is an amazing leader as well. Anyway thought we meet up so that we could have a quick chat on what they expect vs what I have in mind. I do have a few things on my mind on how I can help my team mates, but I’m not sure if it would be suffice. 

Anyway, I’ve decided to embark on an exciting role, coming June. And it’s been announced to the mgmt as of yday. But even before that, I’ve alrdy got a small glimpse of the potential drama that’s going to follow. Thought I take this chance to list down the reasons why despite everything, I’ve decided to take up the challenging role. 

1. Growth

- As much as I enjoy my advisory work (I still do and don’t intend to stop), I don’t feel much growth, especially in the last few years. I do enjoy coaching the younger advisers, and to give back to the system. After all, I learnt everything from there. 

2. Gap

- I do feel a gap between what was taught at the trainings vs what was grasped by most of these younger advisers. And I hope I can bridge the gap. Make it easier for them to undertake, so that they can relate the info easier to their clients and not find this career a struggle. 

3. Leaving a legacy

- I probably wanna retire in the next 10yrs and I do hope that by then, I would have helped advisers achieve much more than I’ve ever done for my own personal sales. After all, the true mark of a great mentor is when her own mentees achieve greater heights than her. That’s the beauty of our industry and our firm. Never stingy on advice and we just want everyone to achieve their fullest potential possible and live life without regrets. 

4. Living life without regrets

- I don’t wanna end my life regretting that I’ve never done “xxx” or “yyy”. Mayb it’s a mid life crisis but at this moment in time, I do want to impact / help as many people as I can. And when I grow old, I can tell my kids that I’ve tried all the things I’ve wanted to, and be it fail or success, I’ve no regrets. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/pro.3.5-6.NIV

Emo

Took a nap right after my afternoon appt and felt so awake. Last few days my sleep has been so bad coz Joash hasn’t been sleeping well and my appts were mostly back to back. Not sure if it’s a good thing to be so awake coz the reality that Uncle Pig is flying off (tonight) finally hit me. I felt so lousy and depressed. Emo max.. haiz.. 

I keep reminding myself I’ll see him by the time I bring the kids to church again. But somehow I feel so insecure and handicapped now. Even the realisation that Tues is a sch day for Joash fail to give much comfort. 

This too shall pass. 

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/isa.41.10.NIV

Highly irritable

Snapped at uncle pig several times this morning. We all knew what’s going on. His coming trip is subconsciously causing my irritable behaviour. I manage to catch it but as much as I try, I still end up handling a few blows to him. 

Work has been hectic. Honestly I don’t know how I’m going to manage the household without him. Trying to work “light” for the coming week so that I could catch up on my sleep if the night duties become horrible.

Joash has been sleeping really badly this couple of weeks. There were nights where he would wake up at 4am and that’s it. Not sleeping anymore. Both of us either wake up trying 101 ways to coax him back to zzz; or if that fails then one of us would jaga him til daylight while the other zz. But honestly, I don’t know how many nights we could continue doing this. 

I wished I could be the supportive wife and hold the fort confidently while he travels in peace. Clearly, this isn’t my strength. And by having this peace abt it, I’m thankful by how much I’ve grown to accept that we all have our own strengths and flaws. This is clearly not my strength but so be it.

“But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.3.3.NIV

Exciting Times

Enjoying my cup of comfort while waiting for the twins to arrive. We are going to watch Mario later - as an early bday treat. 

It’s been a while since we got back from Istanbul. The trip was nice but exhuasting. Joash kept crying on the flight back and I know William was at wits end by the end of it. Two days after the flight Joash had high fever and flu. Thankfully it wasn’t influenza or the more scary diseases but it was still mad exhaustion. We concluded by then, that we probably don’t wanna do another long haul trip with Joash in the near future. Either I fly alone or I bring my mom. Else I just don’t go. Haven’t quite decide what I want to do with my Athens trip. 

Had brunch with old friends this morning. Even though we hardly met, it’s like never ending topics to chat about. 

Old friends are precious bcoz they were found when things wasn’t complicated. When we were young and struggling. Hahaha.. no agenda, no complications and a single look says everything that’s needed. 一起哭过、一起笑着的朋友。 Friends who I can 掏心掏肺 without judgment or fear of affecting their emotional state. 

Going thru some major changes in my work. Exciting challenges ahead. Praying for God’s wisdom and strength thru this new phrase. 

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”

‭‭2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/2th.3.3.NIV

Traveling anxiety

I’m officially in the emo + sleepless state. Started to have flashbacks of eventful crying many yrs ago, when I cried uncontrollably on the way to pick my parents to the airport. I was bringing them on a holiday but without the kids or uncle pig. I cried so hard that my eyes were still swollen when we reached. The twins were less than 2yrs old and grace was still latching to sleep that time. After that incident, it got much easier and I had clearly forgotten how hard it is to leave a baby at home. 

Fast forward and now I’m bringing my mom to Iceland in less than 2 weeks. This time without the baby boy. I know he is in good hands with uncle pig and the girls helping around. But the mums guilt is intense. The anxiety was killing me alive. I know the trip would b nice for my mom, coz it’s our first trip since Covid closed all incentive trips. She’s been looking forward to it. And I know that I should bring her around while she is still healthy and mobile. But post retirement, she has turned to be rather critical of me especially, and I’m not even sure if I can handle her for the entire 9days. I’m hoping the colleagues would provide some form of distraction and I’ll bring a book along to distract myself from her criticisms. 

Work is still pretty quiet but I’m at peace. I know that He is in control. 

Praying that I’ll be able to spend quality time with her on this trip, and maybe share the gospel with her too. Praying for journey mercies and that I’ll be able to sleep well on the trip. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.40.1-2.NIV

Finally back from all the holidays and back to back gatherings. Seriously I’m exhuasted. Have hit the social capacity for the month and I’m just so thankful that there isn’t any upcoming ones in sight. 

Tried to start kickstarting my work engine but it’s so hard. Everyone on my list seems to be one that I’ve just met recently; or is one that I don’t feel like meeting 🙊

It’s so hard and it seems to only get harder. J reminded me that we can only pray and ask God to lead the way. So thankful for her; that when everything seems so hard, she’s always my cheerleader (even though she too is struggling)

Praying that God guides us in our work; strengthen us when we are weak; and remind us that He is with us in every step of the journey. 

 “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10‬:‭23‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/heb.10.23.NIV