悠闲

Forgot the last time where I could just do something non work related while waiting for Vera to finish her art class on a Saturday morning.

In fact I haven’t touched this for so long! Drowned in the outline stitching + shifting house + change company & role that I just kept it away. 

2024 I want to be able to set aside time for my own, to set aside protected time for my family as well. Work can wait and there will always be never ending work to complete. 

I find it so hard not to look at the approval case email out of the stipulated time that I said. It’s tempting to just want to clear it. But no, I shall use that pocket of time on me myself. 

休息是为了走更远。

I felt so loved and stunted yesterday when a girlfriend declared a revelation to the team. I certainly did not see it coming and was worried that she would get herself into trouble with the mgmt. 是因为心疼我，所以就说了。感受到她对我满满的宠爱，为我的打抱不平。因为有朋友的支持和鼓励、2024会更好！❤️

Reflections 2023

“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse came at the right time, when I was questioning myself what I shall do for 2024, and why I wanna do what I’m doing. 

A conversation with another adviser today reminded me of the core values/ reasons why I wanted to step up. And what my driving motivation will be. It was mainly to educate and enhance their skill sets so that each of them will be able to be more confident in front of their clients. My objective is to up their skills, something I lost direction of in the midst of the few mths. lol… and WHY im doing this is simply to PAY IT FORWARD. 

2024 I hope I stay grounded in my core values. That I wouldn’t look left and right and be the fomo manager who wanna do 101 things and lose sight of what is most impt. People who decided to join me, didn’t join me bcoz I was a fun person to be with, or bcoz I was good at arranging for team bonding activities. They joined bcoz they wanted to know what I have in my skills bag, and as long as I continue to just share what I do generally for my own clients, and if they follow suit, then they should be fine too. Those who decide not to, no matter what I do, they wouldn’t. So I shan’t let them affect me too. 

Mind blowing revelation at 143am.. 

Even though it’s a Sleepless night again. 

Not sure if it was bcoz of the kopi O at 2pm, or was it the fact that this is the last week of the yr and I’ve finally going to have some rest etc.. 

I only have a morning zoom on Fri and That’s it for 2023. What an eventful 2023. So many things I thought not do-able, I’ve managed to step out of my comfort zone to try. I don’t dare say I’ve excelled in all, but at least I’ve tried. I do hope that by this time next yr, I can confidently say that my babies haven’t made the wrong choice in choosing me.. hahaha.. 

Perhaps I should start doing my reflections for 2023 since I’m still wide awake. 

Reflections 2023

1) Work

- I don’t have the final sales figures yet, but I think it should be abt 600 apples thereabouts. Not too bad, considering that we transited in Jul plus I had the extra exciting role. 

2) Weight 

- I gained weight .. haiz.. the gym made me eat more. I’m back to my weight in jul 2022.. sian.. I do hope that I’ll go back to the gym in 2024 and probably cut down on my traveling. 

- traveling makes my work schedule haywire, and makes me reluctant to head to the gym too.. hahaha.. excuses but ya.. 

3) Family 

- relationships w vera definitely got better. The occasional “math with mama” definitely helped improve both her math plus our r/s. Thank god! Next yr she has requested for math tuition at the centre so I’m thankful that it’s not entirely up to me to coach. 

-  Joash is definitely starting to have his tantrums and challenges. In fact just a few days ago, I was thinking.. if we hadn’t had him, I wouldn’t need to keep having a headache on if I should encash my work trips or bring the two men along etc. But I know God has his reasons for giving us 4 kids and it’s a blessing that I’m grateful for. 

- the two older kids are more reliable and 让我很放心。

- Hopefully 2024 I’ll try to make time for each of them again. 

That shall be it for now coz 周公终于来找我了. Good night !

Checkmate!

I don’t remember the last time we quarrelled on Xmas day. 

He felt frustrated coz the twins and their cousins were glued to the TV but Joash was bored. Eventually he flared up at the twins and we all left for home. 

In the car, he was still fuming mad. Even after the twins apologised for their behaviour, every cell in him was still 😡. I was angry at him being angry. 

I mean what more do u wan la.. and he kept going on and on abt “next time no more xxxx..” which irks me coz don’t pull empty threats when we all know it will never happen. Eventually the kids will realize those are empty shells and be no longer afraid of them anyways. I rather you pulled sustainable threats, threats that can be fulfilled.

Anyway I eventually yelled at him and ask him what more does he want, coz he definitely has ruined everyone’s evening, esp on Xmas day. 

I rem going into Joash room to make him zzz, crying silently. By the time I was done, the girls were in their respective rooms and no man in sight. He has disappeared or walked out on us, leaving behind his hp. 

Rage filled me. I text him a few msgs coz I suddenly rem he might be able to see it on his smart watch. Eventually I switch off his hp and hid it. “Since he doesn’t need his hp, then he doesn’t need one.” - that was what was going thru my mind. I wanted to put it into the freezer but my logical mind told myself that I will end up paying for the new phone. There were more creative places that I wanted to put in, like inside his boots, or on top of the Nespresso machine. But at that point in time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to find the hidden treasure so I simply kept it inside my cupboard. 

Rage turned into fear as the time passes by. I was now worried for his safety. Not that I fear he will be kidnapped. But more of what if he has a heart attack and doesn’t have his hp to call the ambulance (or-bi-good right, say my spiteful self).. I think my feelings are all over the place. 

Eventually he came back, in what seem like eternity. Relieved but still angry. 

My old self would have got into a battle of words, just like how the street fighters players K.O the opponent. But the me now understands that sparring will just drag the time further and both of us would b exhuasted. 

I simply covered my head with blanket and that was when I started to think logically of the options I have. I could flare up and explode, like the angry guy in “Inside out” or I could examine and ask myself what was I feeling upset abt.  I listed the things I was upset abt in my mind. I felt that the issues weren’t huge when I listed them calmly. 

He moved his first step by placing a small pillow on my head. lol…the old me will just throw it back and explode la.. coz I had every right to do that when he disappeared ya… 

I considered my moves. I could do that or I could heave a sigh of relief and be thankful that at least he bothered to try pacify me. So I returned back playfully. 

Repeated for a few times and eventually we were good. 

I’m happy that I took charge of my own emotions and moves. I know that I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel xxxx. I’m responsible for myself. I can make myself happy, and I didn’t need someone else’s response to make me feel that.

It’s a huge step for people with big emotions. 

Flashbacks

Woke up at 3am to attend to Joash and even though he slept shortly after his milk, I ended up being wide awake til 5am! So dead.. 

Kept thinking abt the training I did in the morning and how I could have done this or that to make it better etc. I was all over the place and even though I wanna say / motivate the guys so much, I’m not sure if they ended up feeling that.. 🫠🫠 

And then the anxiety crept in, coz I have another sharing in the morning. I had think that the second one would be a lot easier, coz there were qns and I just need to answer them. But at this moment in time, I’m not sure if I could even do this confidently or inspiring. And if I screw up again, then how will I handle the mega company one next yr. 

I have an hr to sort myself out. Moments like this remind me of my anxious times before my client facing appointments. Right now, this definitely seems harder. But what do I have to lose or gain? That’s the annoying part hor.. what am I afraid of? At least for my clients appts, my pockets are directly connected with my “performance”. But as for my sharing, it’s not like I’ll get extra $$ if they work more or I get a lecture if the sharing is sub par. So what am I afraid of??! 不知道咯.. aiyo 

Praying that God provide the wisdom and words for me to go thru this morning. God, I pray that you help me get my act together. Change is uncomfortable. This is difficult for me. I feel like a fish out of the waters. And I pray that You give me the leap of faith to believe that all these are in Your plans, in Jesus name, Amen!

Lessons

Almost 5 months into the job, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. There are still many things to learn and pick up. But there are a few impt things that I wanna remind myself of, so I wouldn’t end up killing myself. 

Lesson #1: It is okay not to know everything. When unsure, just clarify / check before offering an answer. 

This was taught to me when I was a young adviser. The principle was simple. Instead of giving wrong info, just inform the client that you will get back to him / her. And make sure you revert back within the stipulated time. I guess a part of me have forgotten abt this long ago. 

Fast forward 20yrs, and now I have a group of advisers who are also my “clients” so to say. I need to remind myself that for qns that I already knew the answer, I will reply accordingly. For qns that I’m unsure of, it is okie to let them know that I will either check for them. Or I can empower them to check and update the group. 

There were instances I do feel crippled when I don’t have the answers on the spot. Like oh my 天, why don’t I know?! Oh why didn’t I ask this before etc? 

Sometimes I’m happy when they ask.  Coz at least this means they are working. 

Lesson #2: Tend to my own garden. 

There is no need to be the fomo manager or guilt trip myself when I’m not giving the same things to my babies. Every manager is different. And each have their own strengths. I might not be strong in certain areas but there are things that I can bring to the table to enhance my babies skills. 

People whom I’m close to, will know how hard this is for me. To believe in myself. I always said this - “I wish they sell confidence by the bottle.” Sometimes I look at some advisers / managers, and I wonder “他们哪来的勇气！” 

I save this link https://fb.watch/l6E0aQMzPk/?mibextid=jf9HGS  so that I can re-watch it whenever I go into a panic attack (which can happen quite frequently nowadays coz I’m heading FG every mth plus the massive training once every quarter)

Lesson #3: Don’t be so affected by what I see on social media/ people’s remarks 

Not everything on social media is real. A lot of things are quite on the contrary. Sometimes certain comments just get me triggered and it frustrates me when this happens. Like I could see a bomb about to explode and as much as I remind myself not to, I still get triggered. It frustrates me when I hear certain comments made, knowing that these people don’t feel that way. Like how fake can these people can. (Sorry God,I’m not a saint.) I 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 every time I hear certain remarks. And i know I’m not professional. Argh. This is a work in progress thing that is interlink with 2). 

Lesson #4: Set protected time 

These couple of mths, I’ve noticed that my work appts / emails have been creeping into my usual family time. Like coming sun morning I have a 9am zoom bcoz clients can only make it this time and I’m traveling (again) next week. I need to be more strict abt my family time. The hectic work quarter is over. Now work should be kept strictly during working time zones. 

I think that’s all for now. 

4 months

 

This was what I wrote in may, when I was deciding my Ys. I knew that it had to be convincing, otherwise I would fall and crumple when I met with obstacles. I knew that I needed something to refer to, to remind me of why I wanted to do this. And this week was one of those weeks where I needed an extra reminder. 

Nothing major happened. It was just exhausting. Tired of working past 11pm every night, tired of having to open my laptop on weekends. I know I can choose not to reply those emails on weekends, but it will just snowballed to Mon which make things even worse. Tired of having to mingle with colleagues whom I hardly know just few mths ago, and trying my best to understand them and make their working here a little bit better. This isn’t the usual me - having to step out of my comfort zone to know new people, make small talk. I honestly do wanna make their working life a bit better if I can, but it’s tiring to mingle and make small talk, if u get what I mean. And then there’s tons of working partners who wanna do coffee/trainings/ whatever that I’ve been trying so hard to turn down. And this is me, 4mths into the new job. 

Will I finally get used to this? Will I find my balance between family, management and personal sales? I wished I wouldn’t feel like drowning every single day. I wish God give me the right balance in all 3 areas, the right mentality to cope with all these challenges. 

I’m like the fomo manager, always worried that I’m not doing enough for my team. If other managers are giving xxx to their team, I start thinking of ways to provide the same for my babies too. And it’s exhuasting. Angela says that I should have more confidence in my leadership. I wish they sell it over the counter or during the Black Friday sale. Hahaha.. 

People say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I hope I will arrive at that stage soon. 

Emo-ing

Couldn’t zz well the whole night. It’s the day before I fly with the twins. Contemplated going to the gym today but in the end I chose the easy way out. I went for a swim. Thought it will do me more good to have time to clear my thoughts and realign myself.

Told Angela yday that I was emo-ing. Kinda question myself why I decided to fly AGAIN. When I’m buried in my work and there seems tons of things to do. She reminded me that it’s to spend time with the twins who are often the neglected generation/ kids coz we were trying very much to stay afloat (financially/ mentally / physically) most of their toddler yrs and we hardly did anything special for them. That is a timely reminder. And that was why I signed up for this. They are at the stage where they are old enough to take care of themselves while overseas, and young enough to still follow instructions.. lol.. yes yes, I do wanna spend time with them, do girly things like shopping or cafe hopping or just bring them to their fav Running Man sites. 

Just praying that the directionless mama don’t get too loss everywhere. The map seems to show that all the places are quite within walking distance, and my strategy is to cab if possible. Coz I’m afraid I’ll drown in their metro. Hahahaha.. 

Praying that I’ll survive the red eye flight. Grace is still nursing a cough, praying that God heals her soon! May we find favour on this trip, that everyone will have mercy on us. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

P/S: I’m really scare to be honest. Afraid that I can’t zzz on the plane, or my room booking was rejected or we get really lost or the twins end up killing each other. But we will see. This is for them. This is to spend time with my neglected twins. 

.

The first burn out

Got so angry with myself this afternoon. This is a rant post. 

Not sure if it was becoz of fatigue, or simply bcoz I was frustrated that our house is still looking like in a mess, or that there just seem so many things that I need to push everyone to do. Why?! Why can’t he automatically realize the messiness and start clearing? Or why can’t he bring the kids to kidztopia while I take a breather? esp since he alrdy went AMK to chill while vera had her art class. I was working and juggling 2 kids and I wished I hadn’t fix appts on Saturdays. (In his defence, he said he was getting household items while waiting for vera to finish art class. He wasn’t just chilling chilling). 

The angst got into me so badly that I cried myself to zzz after lunch. I knew I needed a nap, so that I could speak properly and rethink my own thoughts after that. I have learnt that words spoken out in anger, will always end up in regrets. 

Took a 1hr nap. Woke up feeling better but not good enough.

Dropped the kids in church and I started my convo with him. Told him that I was frustrated that he was always having fun while I’m always working. I’m tired of ALWAYS WORKING. I don’t even know why I work so hard for. Am I working so hard bcoz of $$, bcoz I want to inspire my babies / colleagues or what am I trying to prove? Or am I trying to hide behind the fact that I’m only competent in work and nothing else? Will my kids be inspired bcoz mama tried her best or will they only rem that mama is always not around for dinners nowadays. Haiz.. emo sia.. 

Anyway back to our convo:

I told him I wished he could work his fair share too. (Work here meaning, his tasks. Like making the house more liveable, clearing the storeroom or even chasing after the contractor to see when he can start doing the things etc). It’s not fair when I’m working my ass off, and when I come home, I see him playing on his gadgets. It’s not fair when he doesn’t do his things and I still need jaga my kids. I like to divide everything equally. If I have to work, and he also does his tasks, then I’m more than willing to cover the parenting duties. But it can’t be a regular thing where im working, and he isn’t, but he’s also not doing parenting too. My systems can’t accept this imbalance on a regular basis. 

We had a calm heart to heart talk. He clarified some of the things and I also told him that I would appreciate if he could bring Joash to AMK occasionally if I had to work. He promised to clear the messiness before I come back from Korea. I appreciate the us now. Where I can frankly lay out my unhappiness and we can work together to make this better.

Maybe it’s also bcoz I’m traveling soon, so my hormones are all over the place. Or the lack of eating comfort food that is eating me alive. 

So badly craving for an ice cream now. Damn. 🥹🥹🥹

Change for the better

Following my emotional early week, I decided to sort out my thoughts and realign what I really want in this weight loss/ exercise regime. Fact of the matter is I haven’t lost any weight since i started gym exercises. I am a lot more energetic now and fitter, be it emotionally/mentally/physically,  but if we look strictly at the weighing scale - negative. 

No loss in weight and no gain in muscle 🤣🤣🤣 

I eat as though I’m breastfeeding. And it’s scary sometimes. Lol… then I stumble onto some YouTube videos of women struggling with their relationship with Food and I reasonate with them. I eat when I’m happy, I eat even more when I’m sad. Food isn’t just food. It is an escape to me. It brings me more joy than online shopping to be honest. I don’t know which is a bigger evil, to shop excessively and end up being broke and a lot of clutter but no gain in calories; or eat excessively with lots of calories, but no clutter and still broke.. hahahaha.. 

And sometimes the impulse eating gets into me. The guilt that strikes u a second blow after the calories creep into yr body systems. Like why didn’t I exercise more self control? It’s like having an affair with FOOD when u alrdy swear that u going to be a good girl and be faithful and eat CLEAN. 

So I decided to blog my #changeforthebetter series so that in time to come, I hope I can see an improvement in me. It may seem slow progress, but as long as I don’t quit, the slow progress is still progress. 

What do I hope to achieve out of the exercise regime? What’s my goals? 

1) To be healthier, to get fitter, to go to BFT at least 4x a week

2) Not quit 

Eating clean isn’t part of my goals. I will eat yummy food, and clean food as and when I like. Hahahaha… I can’t manage so many diff things at a time. Just wanna make sure I show up for gym now. Show up, and sweat thru the 55mins regime and I can do whatever I want for the rest of the day. 

Til then.

Sleepless

Going to be so screwed later coz I woke up at 4plus to pee and couldn’t go back to zzz 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

End up checking out my cart of diapers, milk formula and a phone for the teenager.

Sleepless nights happen for the weirdest reasons; stressed/too free (so can always nap in the afternoon); need to speak in public etc.. not that I need to exercise my mouth anytime soon..

Crawled to gym and weighed in today. Damn.. didn’t lose any weight. Told MT that either she sees me exercising and my weight stays the same or she don’t see me but I eat clean and weight drops. Hahahaha.. I keep reminding myself not to revenge eat, but somehow food and I are magnets. If I don’t eat, I’ll be grouchy. Fun fact 

Going to take a nap for now. 

Exams week

It’s the exams week for the twins and it only dawned on me after allowing them to watch Running Man, during the Sunday afternoon (which I kena a huge scolding from joy). I should have given them another practice paper to do (said the teenager) so that she could mark it before their science paper on Wednesday. I appreciate her help, even though she herself is trying to study for her O levels. And this is for science. 

I was the supposedly Math tutor, but the busy me had forgotten that exams was round the corner and didnt have time to go thru any exam papers. Thus the mad rush on Mon and Tues - trying to drill and practice any topics that they might be weak at. 

I’m guilt tripping myself. I know. I hate the me now too. I wished I had 48hrs, so that I could do my work, take care of my babies, tutor my kids and bring them out for fun activities. My personal work schedule was crazy for the last 2-3 weeks. I had abt 15 appts / week, which was the norm last time. But bcoz of the additional work commitment, it meant that my weeks have become shorter as there are more meetings that I need to attend. And the last thing I want is for my clients to give me a pass, just bcoz I have 4 kids or my babies to say “my mgmr has no time for me bcoz she’s running her own personal sales etc”.. I don’t like to receive such discounts. I chose the portfolios and I need to be able to manage it as if I’m just holding this portfolio only. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to any of my stakeholders just bcoz I choose to take on multiple roles. Mayb it’s just me. Mayb I’m being too hard on myself. But my stance has always been to try my very best, and not to give myself excuses. 要做就要做到最好，不然就不做。

Need to have better control of my time, to set time aside for each portfolio, and not wait til it becomes amber / red before we come fire fight. I don’t like not doing my best. I believe that if I try my best and still fail, at least 我对得起自己。And it can become an inspiring story for my kids and my babies too. It can be a win win scenario for all. What I hope the kids learn is to persevere even if the going seems tough; even if what we are doing seems irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. This is grit. Just like how I used to dread doing Math w Vera, it has now become our weekly bonding time. We have come a long way and I’m thankful that things turn out well, even though there are still tough moments. It’s the overcoming challenges despite how difficult it seems, that makes it all the more sweeter.

This week the kids take centre stage. This week we try to conquer the exams. Next week we go back to normal revisions, and cover topics that mama fail to go thru before exams. It’s fine. Studying is for knowledge, not just pass the EOYs. And may you bring this wisdom along with you as u grow. May you try to explore different areas even though you might not be good at initially. 

“At the start you don’t need to be good. To be good, you need to start”

Emo me

All 4 kids will b home today - no school. William will be attending the PLMGS founders day concert in the morning followed by D&D at night. I have 4 zooms and 1 management meeting today. 

Feeling emo last night when I realize this. Why does he get to attend his social events while my schedule for the next 2 weeks are either work or math tuition. 😩 

I feel so unbalanced but I didn’t wanna damper his spirits. I know he has been looking forward to such events and he enjoy meeting his friends. 

I told J that my schedule will b crazy all the way til Korea coz I don’t really have that many slots for my own personal sales. There’s meetings and meetings that will overrun (for sure). 

I wanted to go to the gym but I’ve fallen sick since I got back. In fact, I was coughing so badly the whole of last night that I barely zzz. 🥹🥹🥹 And not able to sweat it out in the gym probably allowed the negative hormones overstayed in me. Haiz. 

I have no solution for what I’m feeling today. It’s crazy packed and I don’t wanna yield down to cakes and chocolates. Trying to take control of my eating habits. Enjoy the food minus the emotions. 

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

I logged out of my social media accounts last night. Finally decided to take a break coz it’s eating me alive, constantly checking on everyone’s social feeds irregardless if they are people impt / irrelevant to me. 

And then I realize the amt of time I have becoz of the freedom.They say the truth will set you free. Indeed. And thus the time to blog again. 

Crawled to the gym this morning, even though I have many legit reasons why I should skip. Joash hasn’t been sleeping well since we got back; the first night I ended up sleeping in his room on the floor, just so that it’s easier for all of us. The second night he suddenly woke up at midnight and struggled sleep til 2am when William decided to sleep in with him. My brain became super awake by then so did some 10/10 shopping to restock the baby essentials. 

The trip has been great to be honest. It has gotten been our easiest baby long haul trip. On this trip, I made a deliberate effort to prepare Joash before it. Weeks before we started to talk about planes and the safety procedures. Days before I borrowed a baby airport book from a friend, that states the things to expect; from arrival at the airport, checking in the big luggage and going thru the x ray scanners and ultimately belting on the plane. Coz these used to be his meltdown stages. Yes, all of them. And I’m so glad we did all this prep work. It helped a lot. He didn’t meltdown when the check in counter took our luggages, or why we have to put his small luggage thru the scanners etc and why he has to be belted on the plane. In fact, he knows the drills so well by the end of the trip that when he saw the x ray scanners, he says he wanna take the plane. 🤣🤣🤣

The exhuasting part on this trip is the extensive walking/carrying (coz we didn’t bring a pram on this trip. Figured that the roads wouldn’t b easy for prams and we have a luggage limit crunch on certain legs of the trip) . The thing about traveling is that the boy gets to have mama all by himself and he sticks to me like a magnet. No one could help carry him besides me. No one, not even William. So he took the battlepack while I took the human pack.. hahahaha.. of coz little human walked too, a lot considering his age. 

Thankful that we went on this trip. Took a gamble despite how tough the previous ones were. And glad to see his transformation. 

Missed my travel kakis. Hopefully we could all go together next yr. 

Emotional warfare

My period came and that probably explains all the emotional turmoil I went thru the last few days. Decided that I should still go to the gym as planned. Packed and got ready. It was great to sweat it out, even though I was worried that it wasn’t droplets of perspiration oozing out.. hahahaha.. glad that I did it. Felt extremely proud of myself. Sense of relief that my period is finally here. Somehow my hormones have been acting up in recent mths and as much as I try my best to prevent it from happening, it’s hard. 

This mth, I felt so inadequate, and not doing enough. Felt that no matter how hard I tried, I was not good enough. Not good compared to xxx or yyy. (I know I shouldn’t look left or right, but compared to myself alone). But the hormones are playing tricks to my mind and just a week ago, I had believed them. 

That was then. 

Fast forward to now. Last night, while I was still in BKK, the word “contentment” whispered into my ears. Contentment - a state of happiness and satisfaction. The bible says 1 Timothy 6:6-12 But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Not saying that I wouldn’t push myself. I will. But I want to remember to be contented with whatever the end results it brings, bcoz God is in control. He knows what I need, and what is required. Might not necessarily give me all that I asked for, but whatever He gives will be perfect for me. 

I’m sure I’ll forget all these in 3 weeks time when the hormones start stirring again. Penning this down so that I can use it for my warfare in time to come. 

Yeah it’s over !

Went to the gym this morning. Figured I needed the distraction and the release of happy hormones to calm myself down. I will be doing a sharing coz it’s my scheduled turn. It still gets to me, like what will happen if advisers feel meh after hearing me, or worse walk out halfway of my presentation. And the nerves eat me alive. The last time it was me l, I was too busy with other things, that I didn’t have time to let the nerves do their job. Hahahaha.. I guess this is going to be the norm, more sharing, more presentations and more talking. 

When will I ever get used to this? When can I stop emotional eating whenever an event like this happen? I told Angela that I was so nervous that I think I can eat a cow for breakfast! I even told myself that I’ll order my comfort toast on top of the usual eggs +kopi. Carried my battlepack to Hong Lim and realize my fav breakfast uncle is on a holiday! And he will only b back after I fly to Athens 🤪🤪🤪

And I legit went to see if there were cheat options. It would h nice if we could really have some beef soup for breakfast.. hahahaha.. Oh well, and then I had this. 

It was okie, fills my hunger, but not satisfying. Oh well.. hopefully lunch will b yummy! 

Continuing my post from yday, you know.. as much as I worry Uncle will leave before me, there is always a possibility that the reverse happens. That I leave prematurely, and when that happens, what do I want to be remembered as? 

The whole thing abt death just got me thinking. If I passes, I hope to be remembered as someone so willing to share her wisdom, love and time with. Someone who is willing to tell stories to pick them up, or encourage someone. And hopefully God gives me enough time to do all these. 

Going to crawl up to office. God, may your will be done. May you be with me, as I walk the difficult steps. I know You are God and nothing is impossible in ur eyes. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

And this is me again. After my presentation and my lunch appt with one of my babies. I wouldn’t say lunch wasn’t without stress. It’s not her, it’s me. I just need to get used to knowing more people. So many things to learn. 😜

Angela brought some nice home made cinnamon rolls for me too. So truly blessed by her. I know she didn’t need this training, but she came nonetheless coz she guess I needed the team support.. hahahah.. feeling so loved! 🥰

Thankful for how things penned out. 

How much time do we have?

不知道是不是因为自己老了，所以突然开始问这个问题。如果女人的平均年龄是八十，那我应该还有三十年。如果大叔和他老爸一样，我和他只剩下不到两年，不到700天。那我们要怎么用我们在一起的时间呢？

The realisation that we might not be together led to fear and emo. Like how I had taken for granted that we are young and we are going to be with each other til 七老八十. 

If I have only 2 days left on this earth, what would I be doing then? Would I still be scrolling my phone on FB / IG or watch those YouTube mukbangs? 🙊🙊🙊

Note to self: 

1) Be more mindful of my time. Not that there are any health scares etc but it is still a good reminder that I might not have all the time with this man, or with my parents and family. 

2) To cherish the times when we can still hug and have meaningful conversations together. To remind myself to set time together for dates, not simply 陪伴。to remind myself that all the msgs can wait til I reach home to reply. My time in the car is for him and solely him. (We used to have this rule of not using Hp while in the car, so that we can have conversations tog); to be more purposeful in our relationship. 

What is my superpower?

Every time I come out of my management meetings, I always feel so small. Small bcoz I felt that there’s nothing I could bring to the table, small bcoz the amt of knowledge I have is so little that I don’t even know what I don’t know. And it irks me, to feel like I’m not contributing. Even when there were calls for leaders to step up to steer some projects etc, I don’t even dare to volunteer coz I just don’t feel that I’m competent. 

Fear is eating me alive. And moments like this, I wondered if I’m in this room with all these people, just because I happened to know the boss very well. Is that the only reason why I’m there? 

This led me to think, what are my superpowers? I don’t need to be them, coz just like Avengers , there isn’t a need to have 20 Spider-Man or 15 Iron man etc…But I need to know what my strengths are, so that I can better value add to the team! 

And God softly whispered into my ears last night: 

“You can do training.” 

🤣🤣🤣

Me

So blessed by the message today. God has my back, and His arms ever ready to help me if I fall. Such assurance and such a relief, to know that He is always there for us. 

Having a bit of issues with some annoying person (not work related), and I feel that she should deliver what she promise on her end, but she has gone radio silence 😫😫😫 Situation like this, I struggled. Struggle to make sense of it, struggle to be the bigger person and WAIT. 道理在我这，可是我又能如何。Just reminding myself that God is in control. He is watching me and over me. Lol.. (there’s a difference in the meanings if you understand what I mean.. hahaha). It irks me when I’m not in control. And I’m not a patient person. But I guess this is a chance for me to learn. 

Sep seems like a short mth for me coz there’s the 1 week sch holidays then I’m flying off to Athens last week of sept. There’s 101 things to do but time isn’t on my side. Hahaha.. Praying that I stay focus as I meet the challenges ahead! 

AHA moments

Following our recent trip to Mandai, it suddenly dawn on me that none of my kids enjoy any of the Mandai attractions. They simply go bcoz the twins didn’t know there is an opt out option while Joash is too young to decide otherwise. It’s just me, who wants to bring everyone there, because I was guilt tripping myself, for not doing enough. And in the midst of it, I tried to do these over stimulating excursions which not only exhuast myself bcoz of the heat and crowd, but also bcoz of their constant bickering in the car; at the attraction and the whole entire day. 

I asked the twins separately, if they could choose 1 activity to do for the weekend:

1) Mandai

2) kidztopia 

3) swim

And neither of them chose 1). Lol.. They say the truth will set you free. And it did. This realisation made me realize that there isn’t a need for me to prove to anyone or do anything, just so that I provide enough for my kids. No need. I love them and I shower them with hugs and love. We can have lotsa yummy food, chit chat and cafe hoppings. 

The other AHA moment happened when it suddenly dawn on me that instead of feeling bad for my kids having to share their love and time and toys with their siblings in almost everything, (yes in case, u are wondering. Many a times I feel so guilty that I have 4 kids and they have to learn to share love, time and limited resources) Yes, I realize that I shouldn’t be guilty! Coz living in a big family, comes with its own learning academy which isn’t always taught in sch or in smaller families. They learn how to divide satay sticks before we start eating so that everyone gets an equal share. And even if the number is not divisible, then who should get an extra share. They learn how to help the younger siblings to wear shoes or play with him while the parents get ready. It’s called RESPONSIBILITY and they learn it everyday at home. Be it when there are 4 kids or fewer kids at home. And these are life skills that will carry on with them even when both William and I aren’t around. 

Penning this down so that whenever i feel like an emotional wreck, I can refer to this 

In the car when Joash tried to fortune tell his cheh cheh .. hahaha

送人玫瑰手有余香

送人玫瑰手有余香 - learnt this phrase from my tween today. 

What it means is a gift to others, also has a positive ripple effect on the sender. I love the meaning behind it. Thought I’ll pen it down, so that I’ll be able to remember it. 

I guess it’s the same stage I’m at now too. Mentoring my current team, I thought it meant pouring a lot of time and effort. But it’s not just one directional. The love I received back, knowledge (bcoz in order to teach, I had to learn in depth some of the plans I otherwise wouldn’t have bothered), and expansion of my heart, makes me filled with joy. I’m thankful for the opportunity to give back, thankful for their patience and accepting me as their leader, thankful for everything. 

Penning this down so that whenever I feel like giving up, I can come back to this again. I’m sure there will be such times, no doubt abt that. I just pray that when that time comes, I’ll have enough bullets to remind myself why I did this in the first place. Why I chose to do this, not for money or fame, but to give back to the community which taught me everything, to pass it forward. 

Anxiety attacks

The fact that I can write abt this means that I’ve walked out of the deep hole I was in, just 10+ days ago. 

I’ve been exercising quite actively, at least 4-5 times a week. I like how it keeps me refreshed for work, how I don’t need to go back for a little snooze if I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning. 

Went for a swim today coz my body was still aching from the last 2 days of gym. I like swimming coz it allows me to think through my thoughts; have a conversation with God, and wouldn’t be distracted by other things. 

Anyway, fell into a deep dark hole just recently. Suddenly had an anxiety attack and started to doubt if I was competent enough to do the tasks ahead. What if God didn’t wan me to do what I was doing? What if God made a mistake? Or what if I had heard Him wrongly? Maybe He wanted me to just focus more time on advisory or kids rearing? Or what if everyone thought that “Lena Soon” will xxxxx, but turn out it’s just fluke? And suddenly, all the anxieties and fears weigh so heavily on my shoulders that I felt trapped. Fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations; fear of not having the wisdom of motivating/ encouraging my babies to their fullest potential; fear of disappointing those who place their “bets” on me. What if I had done my possible best and it still wasn’t enough? 

I don’t have the perfect solution to all my anxieties. Journaling and preparing for the trainings help, so does writing to God and praying to Him. Just last Saturday, our church pastor was sharing on the book of James and he talked abt my fav verse. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This too shall pass God. I hope when I come back to read this, I’ll be mature and complete and not lacking anything. 

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Thankfulness

6 days since we shifted. I’m thankful that most things have been sorted out. Too much clutter from all of us. 

Note to self: Don’t buy unnecessarily. It occupies space and cost $$. And $$ takes time away from the kids. Spend less and I don’t need to work as hard (if I don’t wan to) or spend time with them in doing activities (so there will b beautiful memories created instead of physical clutter).

Thankful for William who manages the whole reno + shifting + clearing the old house. Wouldn’t have been possible without him. He’s the reason why I can work with a peace of mind.

Dining table arrived yesterday! Yeah!

Thankful that God is in control of everything. I never thought it would be possible to have it all - work that I enjoy, kids + a wonderful relationship with my soulmate. Never thought we could afford this beautiful house. Thank you God!

Today’s also Joy birthday. The day we got promoted as parents 16yrs ago. The feeling is never quite the same being parents for the first time vs being parents the nth time. Whenever people ask me which is more challenging, I always say it’s always the first time that’s most challenging, even though I am blessed with an easy child.

The reason is simple. During my time, parenting tips weren’t so readily available. And a lot of things we kinda learn on the job or tried 101 pattern before we finally got it right. There were also a lot of failed experiences - like mixing meds into her milk feeds and causing a milk strike thereafter; or forgetting to wipe/clean her hands before giving her snacks and thus resulting in her getting her first and only HFMD experience.

But in the midst of it all, I am ever so grateful of all the beautiful memories created, alongside with my co-pilot. We cry together, had our differences, and showered ❤️ with each other. 

Thank you God for blessing me with it all. 

She has grown to be a fine lady, ever so independent and reliable.

The big move

My life in boxes. Hahahah.. suddenly the current place seems so huge when all the furniture are slowly sold away. I went to check how frequent we actually shift coz friends keep commenting that we make moving seems like a walk in a park.. lol 

Dec 2016 - HDB to Jewel 

Dec 2019 - Jewel to Minton (thankfully we did this coz 2020 was the start of Covid and the many HBL and WFH. Would have killed so many people if we had continued staying in that tiny place)

Aug 2021 - Minton to Blossoms (coz we expanded in size, and desperately needed more space)

Aug 2023 - Blossoms to our own place 

4 places in 7yrs. Hahahaha.. I actually thought we would stay at Minton for a long time, but if not bcoz our family expanded, and it was no longer viable to stay there. 

Looking forward to our place. I think the kids are excited that they no longer need to climb up the small hill every time they come home on their own. William is happy that we finally have proper cupboards for storage, instead of using ikea boxes or containers etc. I’m happy as long as my family is happy. I do hope that we can stay there for a longer while, coz even though I’m not largely involved in the moving, 我是心疼我们家的 CEO. He make it possible every single time. No matter how overwhelming it gets, or how tiring the packing + unpacking seems. And he makes sure I’m still able to work. His philosophy is this : if I stop work, there will not be food on the table and nothing else matters. So I just need to do what I know best and he will do the rest. Such is our house views. Such support I have at home. I’m blessed. And I’m ever so thankful, for being able to concentrate solely on the things I am good at, instead of struggling to do things in my weak spots. 

Saying goodbye

Gotten say goodbye to this shirt after today. It has followed me for more than 12yrs but I’m not going to bring it over to the new house. I can’t rem when I first got it, but I rem I wore it to a friend’s baby party years ago, when I was doing my IVF. I look so bloated back then, bcoz of the hormone injections. 所以一直不舍得把它丢掉。

It represents a season of my life when I felt that I was at the bottomless pit, where God wasn’t around and no one could understand what I was going thru. But I’ve since walked out of that season. 

I don’t have much sentimental things bcoz I don’t like clutter. But I find it hard to say goodbye to this shirt .. hahaha.. coz it reminds me of how hard times were back then. 

Writing it down so that I can refer to this whenever I miss it. Hahaha

Emotional eating

Did I eat this bcoz I went to the gym or did I go to the gym bcoz I had this? Hahahaha… seriously don’t know which comes first. 

Been doing a lot of emotional eating, and I’m not sure if it was gym or the new mgmt role that led to it. Gym has been fun actually. I drag myself there every morning but I feel great once I’m done with it. And it gives an immediate release of all the pent up unhappiness/tension/anxiety. The thing is, then the rest of the day will be me telling myself “I deserve to eat xxxx bcoz I went gym today…” hahahahah.. and then the next morning I’ll tell myself “I should go gym today bcoz I had xxxxx yday” 

Feels like a rat running in cycles. 

We are supposed to move next Monday but both William and I weren’t super impressed with the renovations and how it look on a whole. Not sure how it’s going to pan out, but it was a sad moment for me yday bcoz a part of me probably regretted engaging my gf to do this and trusting her wholeheartedly. The overall look just didn’t gel and the extreme case would b to tear down most of it and either redo, or get ready made ones. I felt horrible. 

I’m the kind of client who, if I trust you, I trust you entirely. I don’t look at the fine prints or if everything make sense. If you as a professional tells me it’s going to b great, I expect it to b at least good enough for u to stay. Haiz.. William is meeting the reno people again later to discuss. 

Another part of me felt that I wished I was more competent in this area then mayb we could shoulder this reno project today. It’s all on him and I think he is feeling even worse than me now. 

Of coz there is the other part of me who tries to console him and say as long as we are staying together as a family, it really doesn’t matter how or what we stay at lo.. oh well.. 

praying for God’s peace and wisdom as we battle our own challenges. It’s the end of July and Aug comes with its own challenges. This week seems easy for me. I’m tempted to fix some client appts, but I wanna leave time for my family+babies+shifting. So we see how la. 

We often say every child is different. It just dawn on me that every adult is also different, and they are probably a lot more difficult to mould than kids. 主啊，请赐给我力量和智慧。

Conflict management

明明知道他在生气，可我什么都没说。我也很气他。There isn’t the perfect solution and no one is 100% right or wrong. We each have our view points. 

I was angry that he wasn’t home when the kids fever shot up. He said he was at the new house checking out the lights installation. I was guilty of not being home bcoz I was still having back to back zooms. Who am I to be angry with? If I hadn’t packed that crazy, I could have been the one at home. And to make matters worse, I was having so much guilt that I just lashed at it when I came home. 

I know I shouldn’t have. I know he’s just trying to use his small pockets of time to do the best for the family. 

I’m torn. Between the angry man and my bedtime. I’m tired but I want to mend the cold war before it drags further. 

I’m torn bcoz this is the second/third week I felt that my family were compromised bcoz I worked too much. A friend ask me yesterday why I’m working so hard. My answer to her is bcoz I wanted to prove to those who placed their trust in me that 他们没有看错。要做就要做好，要不就不做。This too shall pass. It’s the initial phrase that’s harder, I know. This is the same for all new beginnings.

The thing abt being married for 17yrs means that in a conflict like this, I no longer say spiteful things. U know.. things like “let’s split. (Split 什么鬼)?” Or pack my bags and 回娘家。lol… just suck thumb and try to look intently in his shoes and realize that 我们都错，可是我们都是为这个家付出。

I cried myself to sleep coz we were both tired. But he did kiss me in the morning before sending Vera to sch. So we are good