Emotional eating

Did I eat this bcoz I went to the gym or did I go to the gym bcoz I had this? Hahahaha… seriously don’t know which comes first. 

Been doing a lot of emotional eating, and I’m not sure if it was gym or the new mgmt role that led to it. Gym has been fun actually. I drag myself there every morning but I feel great once I’m done with it. And it gives an immediate release of all the pent up unhappiness/tension/anxiety. The thing is, then the rest of the day will be me telling myself “I deserve to eat xxxx bcoz I went gym today…” hahahahah.. and then the next morning I’ll tell myself “I should go gym today bcoz I had xxxxx yday” 

Feels like a rat running in cycles. 

We are supposed to move next Monday but both William and I weren’t super impressed with the renovations and how it look on a whole. Not sure how it’s going to pan out, but it was a sad moment for me yday bcoz a part of me probably regretted engaging my gf to do this and trusting her wholeheartedly. The overall look just didn’t gel and the extreme case would b to tear down most of it and either redo, or get ready made ones. I felt horrible. 

I’m the kind of client who, if I trust you, I trust you entirely. I don’t look at the fine prints or if everything make sense. If you as a professional tells me it’s going to b great, I expect it to b at least good enough for u to stay. Haiz.. William is meeting the reno people again later to discuss. 

Another part of me felt that I wished I was more competent in this area then mayb we could shoulder this reno project today. It’s all on him and I think he is feeling even worse than me now. 

Of coz there is the other part of me who tries to console him and say as long as we are staying together as a family, it really doesn’t matter how or what we stay at lo.. oh well.. 

praying for God’s peace and wisdom as we battle our own challenges. It’s the end of July and Aug comes with its own challenges. This week seems easy for me. I’m tempted to fix some client appts, but I wanna leave time for my family+babies+shifting. So we see how la. 

We often say every child is different. It just dawn on me that every adult is also different, and they are probably a lot more difficult to mould than kids. 主啊，请赐给我力量和智慧。

Conflict management

明明知道他在生气，可我什么都没说。我也很气他。There isn’t the perfect solution and no one is 100% right or wrong. We each have our view points. 

I was angry that he wasn’t home when the kids fever shot up. He said he was at the new house checking out the lights installation. I was guilty of not being home bcoz I was still having back to back zooms. Who am I to be angry with? If I hadn’t packed that crazy, I could have been the one at home. And to make matters worse, I was having so much guilt that I just lashed at it when I came home. 

I know I shouldn’t have. I know he’s just trying to use his small pockets of time to do the best for the family. 

I’m torn. Between the angry man and my bedtime. I’m tired but I want to mend the cold war before it drags further. 

I’m torn bcoz this is the second/third week I felt that my family were compromised bcoz I worked too much. A friend ask me yesterday why I’m working so hard. My answer to her is bcoz I wanted to prove to those who placed their trust in me that 他们没有看错。要做就要做好，要不就不做。This too shall pass. It’s the initial phrase that’s harder, I know. This is the same for all new beginnings.

The thing abt being married for 17yrs means that in a conflict like this, I no longer say spiteful things. U know.. things like “let’s split. (Split 什么鬼)?” Or pack my bags and 回娘家。lol… just suck thumb and try to look intently in his shoes and realize that 我们都错，可是我们都是为这个家付出。

I cried myself to sleep coz we were both tired. But he did kiss me in the morning before sending Vera to sch. So we are good

 

Busy week

If I had said that Last week was hectic, I was wrong. Coz this week, I was crazy enough to fix so many appts, be it face to face or over zoom; clients or with my new found babies. I had a total of 23 appts, conducted my first team meeting, attended a director meeting and also went to the gym twice! 

Crazy it is. And in the midst of it, I still had to approve the cases my babies submitted, prepare for my own appts. Vera and Joash were also down with influenza too. 

I’m glad this week is over soon. Weekend is here and next week seems to be more breathable. (I hope)

Glad that my office babies are starting to work, especially some had a hiatus for a while. 

Today, one of them text me and said he finally close the client which I recently did case study for. I was delighted! I think it gives me more joy then if I were to close my clients. I’m so glad I took up this role, at least if u ask me now. 是开心的，看他们可以达到他们自己的突破，我为他们感到骄傲.

J asked if I had regretted my decision, especially since this week was so overwhelming. It got so bad that I fell asleep at a concert.. hahaha

My answer to her was no. At least not this week. At least not the coaching or training part. When I see them trying their best to go for their appts, and clearing their doubts with me etc. The answer is no, no regrets. It’s fulfilling. And expands my heart. 

Just gotten be mindful of my conduct and my speech. 

做人很难，做女人肯难

Ever heard of the phrase “Work like you are not a parent and parent like you don’t need to work..” 

I hate this phrase. I hate it when the society expects woman to do that. That if they work, they need to work doubly as hard than mayb their spouse or male counterparts, in order to prove that they are not a liability. And yet, social stigma also expects them to be the 24/7 parent at home, doing the nth things required. 

The last 1 week was mad hectic for me. I’ve forgotten when was the last time I work that hard. I only made it for dinner once for the whole week, a stark contrast to my usual. The new scope and responsibilities meant that I now split my time with my family, my clients, not mentioning the massive among of transfers paperwork I’m also doing and also my new team of advisers. And bcoz I’m new, there are a lot of things that I have to learn. And it was fulfilling too. I think the last week went past with much fulfilment and little drama, for which I’m grateful. 

I miss my kids too. And I think Joash had his way of expressing that by a waking up every night at 3am to request for a feed and asking me to sleep next to him. I obliged coz I was having lotsa mum-guilt. And I wish society will give more grace to working Mothers , that we will feel less guilty when we work hard. 

This was the day when I was having so much on my plate that JM went with me for a drink. Thankful for friends 🥰

Battling Depression

Today the world received news that Coco Lee lost her life to depression. 🥲

I’m not her fan, but each time such news come along, it hits me HARD. Depression is hard, be it for the patient or for her family and friends. It has no signs and sometimes can be deceiving that alls good. 

Depression is like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like it has left you, and you are all good, stable and happy. But the next moment, it creeps in like a sneaky enemy and bring you to the lowest valley possible. God is the safety belt on my roller roaster. I know He is my anchor, and a very stable safety belt. But I too, have my doubts and my low days. Days when I felt like cutting away the safety belt, days when I wonder how low my valleys will be and how long will it take for me to finally see light at the end of my tunnel. My prayer for myself, is to always know that God is always always there for me, for all of us, irregardless of whether you can see Him. 

我好想你，你过得好吗？

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.7.8.NIV

Fruitful weekend

Visited the Woodleigh NPC open house this morning. Honestly, we usually skip such events coz the mountain of people, long queue and crazy weather will cause me to feel overwhelmed, not even mentioning my kids! 

But I decided to give myself + my kids a chance. After all, we did a school carnival on Saturday, and the crowd was so super crazy too. Wouldn’t have agreed to it, if not bcoz Joy invited us. And despite the crowd, all 4 kids had enjoyed themselves. I didn’t get to see Joy at the carnival but William said she came over and help took care of Joash for a while. I was in charge of the twins and we took some kiddy rides, had some overpriced carnival food; face painted and sprayed their hair in blue. 

The whole experience, even though tiring, was pretty pleasant. Was thankful that we forged some good memories together. Even Joash had a lot of fun! He took 3x on the train which actually means 6-9 rounds around the school entrance. Being cheapo parents, William just let him take the ride on his own coz more 划算 to spend the same amt of $ and maximise the number of rides.. hahaha

So on the way home, I asked the twins if they would be keen to go to the police open house the next day. This was what I said.. 

Me: Would you girls be keen to attend the police open house tomorrow? There will be police vehicles behind showcased; visit to the police station (which we have never done before) etc

Twins: Yes!!!

Me: Let me manage both yr expectations first. There will be ALOT of people, maybe even more than today’s carnival, much longer queues; crazy heat etc. I need you all to understand that it will be super tiring for mama especially. I do not want to see a situation where, after the event, you girls start screaming at each other or worse, kill each other. I do not want to bring you girls on a treat, and later regret and wished I hadn’t done that in the first place. Do you understand?

Me: if you girls would like to go, I need u all to EXPECT the following 

1) Long queues and CROWDS

2) Crazy Weather 

And what I expect of you all:

3) Do not tell me you are bored

4) Pls be kind to each other for the whole entire day

Me (also) : I will be over stimulated and I know Vera will be too. So if you girls can do the above, we will go. 

And both of them agree. 

And right after the conversation, I personally felt a lot better. Coz I was setting the stage not just for them but for me. It is normal that after going to such an event, we end up being so tired and overwhelmed and start blowing our fuses. But if we can talk abt it, then all of us could extend a bit of grace to one another. 

We went and maybe becoz we had the “staging” beforehand, everything went well today. We splited ways and queued at different lines, depending on which kid was interested or not. The crowds were a lot more manageable bcoz we reach before it was open. Thank God! 

Completed the place abt 1hr plus and headed for our fav ramen place at Paya Lebar Square. Kids were happy; I’m happy. Tummy and in spirit. Hahahaha

The kids were treated to ice cream for behaving their best after that. Came home and showered. Joash and i napped while vera went for her art class. 

We probably can do more of such activities now that the twins are older I guess. Coz when they were younger, it’s just sheer exhaustion when we go out happily but come back w grouchy, over stimulated kids.. 

Fruitful weekend! Thankful