My breakthrough

Brought the twins for an excursion today after dinner bcoz the man had to go for his village meeting. Ever since our showdown that day, I decided to change my perspective/mindset. And surprisingly, it made me felt better than any of the evenings when he wasnt around. Instead of acting out like the evil stepmother and pushing more chores to "Cinderalla" so that he couldn't go for the "ball", I decided to be the understanding spouse who takes the kids for a few hrs so that the stay at home parent who had been taking care of my kids for so many yrs could take a breather. It was the right thing to do and one that I couldn't come to terms with in the past.

But I did it today. And I'm so proud of myself. Little victory. And it is so liberating, to defeat the voices inside me and embrace it.

This is the book I'm currently reading, which helped me fight the voices. I have yet to complete it but yes, it has been mind changing thus far.

We didn't do anything fancy. Simply took the kids to the library to borrow books and ice milo at Macdonald's after that. It was also refreshing to spend some time talking to them, as they update me abt their p1 events in sch.. very soon they will no longer be in this phase so its impt to engage them intentionally so that as they move towards their teenager phrase, they will always rem to come home and share with us their happenings.

I'm excited and thankful for the new perspectives. And before I knew it, the man is back from his meeting. 

Thank u God for all the things. Thank u for all the blessings.

I did this since it's the 10yr fad thing nowadays.. but didn't have the guts to post on fb..hahaha.. had to grab a less flattering 2009 pic in order to make myself feel better..hahaha.. my joy; she's no longer a toddler but a fine girl that I cant be more proud of. Thankful that she came into our lives.. she has taught me so much abt parenthood and life.. may the Lord continue to guide her in her growing years and may she always feel loved in our household, in Jesus name I pray, amen!

Emo

Just ended an appt with my client.. feeling all emo and moody.. I need a solid chocolate snack..like now..

It was a death claim, my #4 death claim. I thought I would be calm and stable. But as I walk out of the office, I started to recall the time when this couple married ; how we met for lunch reviews; had their first kid; talked abt breastfeeding and parenthood..  then did her CI claim etc.. we all thought that she was cleared of cancer.. since we just celebrated the 5 yr mark in jul.. but it came back in Aug with a vengeance and with such speed that no one was prepared.

I cant imagine how life continues for him and his young daughter now that his soulmate is not around. There are so many things that need to b ironed out but nothing is more impt than the overall well being of the little one.

There isn't much I can help them, other than processing the claims. I feel so helpless and affected. I shouldnt be. But I cant help it. Hopefully this feeling will go away sooner than I think. Its times like this I wonder if I'm suited for this job.. the emotional rollercoaster affects me; a lot, each time this happens. Praying that God comforts the family and that He gives me a solution..

Treasure the people around us. What's most impt is our presence not presents.

Bible verse

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord , whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7‭-‬8 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/jer.17.7-8.NIV

Waiting for appt to arrive and saw this on my app.. so beautiful and timely. Praying for God's wisdom and strength as I kickstart my work. It has been an amazing year in 2018, but that has passed. Leaning on His strength to look forward and not worry. Beautiful morning. Beautiful weekend coming.

Our fight

Quarreled with the man since sat.. it all started when I felt that he was not doing enough for the family n yet still had tonnes of CCA commitments. It was AGM on sat and being the village head meant that he had to prepare days before it as he had to chair the meeting. I knew he was stressed up over it and probably had to fire fight some issues before sat came..

I'm not a supportive wife to start with too.. and thus easily sparked each time he has to be away for such commitments. I admire the support some of the wives give to the family, when their spouse has similar commitments. Unfortunately, I'm still a work-in-progress.

The boiling point came on sat morning while I was preparing to bring vera for her art class, he was in the room playing his iPad games , leaving the other two girls reading their books outside. I was pissed. I told him directly that if he knows he will b out for his CCA later, then can he pls spend some time with my kids now? N by spending time, I'm not referring to just feeding them or cleaning them. (By the way, joy was the one who fed all of us that morning). I'm referring to engagement. I felt that as a homemaker, his tasks aren't that of a domestic helper. I need him to be more involved now that the kids are older.. blah blah..

And that was part 1.

We had a long "discussion" yday bcoz obviously I feel that he's struggling and the level of care we expect is different. I asked him if he would b happier if he would go find a job outside. (Though to be honest, I dont understand why he needs to work and slog. But i have since been corrected by a few gfs that its DIFFERENT.)

He says that his schedule doesn't permit him to find a job which will pay him decent. And since he cant cope even now, how would it b possible if he has to work. (And it's silly in my perspective if I need hire a maid just so that he can go out and earn some monies.)

And that is why he finds joy in doing his CCAs bcoz its opportunities like this where he can have friends and talk and still have a bit of social life. He says he feels empty bcoz he doesn't have any more friends anymore.

I totally didn't expect it. But he is right. He doesn't have friends who he can arrange for coffee or go for night suppers etc. He was always grounded at home. His friends from the past either drifted when we were busy trying for kids or judged him when he became a homemaker.

I felt so bad, for not being understanding enough, for assuming so many things. What comes natural to me might not be so for him. At least every time I need a listening ear, i can always talk to my kakis, my colleagues etc.. but for him, he could only talk to me.. haiz.. why am I so slow?

I need to improve and fight the demons in me so that each time he goes for his CCAs, we wont end up quarrelling every single time or he doesn't come back feeling guilty for going out. It shouldn't be this way. And I will change. Praying that God help me with this new commitment. Amen !

Bible verse

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Proverbs 16:3 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/pro.16.3.NIV

Dear God as this week comes to a close, I just wanna put You first in whatever I do. The starting is always challenging and I pray that You guide me along, when I go back to work fully next week. Even though I've been in this industry for 15+ yrs, it doesn't make things any easy with each beginning. The doubts and ?? Always seem too hard to handle too..and I pray that I wont look left or right but I will look into You as we continue this walk together. In jesus name I pray, amen!

Happy 2019!

The firstborn gave me this today..  belated xmas present that she had forgotten to give me.. but the message and timing of it was so on point that I felt like it was a reminder from God, that one is never too old to learn new things or never too old to try new challenges.

This is definitely something out of my comfort zone and I think the firstborn realize that thus this message. Though I'm not old, but my mentality is old. And this is something I will try to improve this yr.

Perhaps I should pick up a new hobby or a new skill. Perhaps I should pick up reading again, not always just reading junk. After all, what we read determines how we think.

On a side note, the 3 girls are going to the same school tomorrow! So exciting! I think I'm so excited abt it that I probably cant zzz tonight.. hahaha.. so fast..time just zipped past..in a blink of an eye..