Went for a 630am morning swim. It’s a love hate relationship when it comes to swimming this early. Love becoz there isn’t much sun and not crowded at all. Hate coz it’s super cold and super dark. The first few laps is generally the hardest coz it’s pitch dark and kinda scary when I go underwater. But I like how after a few laps, the light starts to shine and slowly slowly, it becomes easier. 

It’s like my current role I guess. The last 1 yr has been a steep learning curve for me. In fact I think I’ve been in my comfortable shell for too long. The moment I decided to step into the leadership role, I felt like a young duckling pushed to sea, trying to stay afloat in the waters. There were a lot of emotions/learning, just like how the duckling does its footwork underwaters. Many a times, I get overwhelmed by how little I know, or how incompetent I am, for not knowing this and that. 

It eventually leads to many overwhelming moments where I felt like I was simply swimming in the dark, not knowing when light will arrive. The aha moment or near exasperation moment came few weeks ago, when I finally realize that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to be honest abt it. I mean I realize that it’s okie not to know everything few mths ago, but not knowing and being open abt it, is two different things stacked together. I guess the last 19yrs, I never felt that I knew so little. I had enough knowledge to carry on my work. But when my work extends to cover diff areas, I was shameful that I lacked the know-how to help my advisers. It felt humbling when the lack of knowledge/ competency just bounced back on my face. 

To be able to reflect on this now, I’m thankful that I’ve grown to recognise that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to learn to trust yr team mates and empower them to lead. It’s okie to be honest abt my flaws and my lack. 

Am looking forward to see what’s next, what’s coming. Thankful for the opportunity to learn and to grow, to master and to nurture. 

This is me and my newfound glasses.. hahahaha.. and suddenly reading msgs from the phone is so comfortable.. hahahaha.. 

好久不见了，我的好朋友！Finally could enjoy stitching in the afternoon. It’s really my preferred therapy- over eating, and watching social media mindlessly.. hahahaha.. 

I realize how much I missed stitching and how much I use my brains thinking abt stuff while I’m stitching! Hahahaha.. but this is really a design I regretted so much. It’s my first printed project and I’m not sure if it’s bcoz it’s printed that’s why the colours keep switching every few stitches. Have the urge to simply stitch all in the same colour in 1 row! 

The kid who found her motivation to do Math. Few mths ago, we stopped her math tuition coz it was heading nowhere. Her results didn’t improve, and I didn’t see a point in spending the time and $$ going. We all agreed that the math tuition gave her a false assurance that she is doing fine (and thus refusing revision). 

So we removed the tuition, and I told her in replacement, she has to do 3 hrs of math on her own. Of coz it will be tedious for us to track, so I found a brilliant way.. hahaha.. every 1 hr of math can be used to redeem 1/2hr of Running Man.. lol.. and grace will help mark the papers and explain to her. In exchange both kids get to watch their fav show on Sunday. The first few weeks were crazy, the kid ended up clocking close to 5-6hrs per week! And she finished doing a hand me down assessment book. I remembered two mths ago, they rushed to my room to say there isn’t any more Math to do and if they could go down to popular to get a new book! Wow wow! The enthusiasm was mind blowing and to be honest I was skeptical. But I figured it was a small price to pay to be supportive.. hahaha.. so each gotten a new math assessment book, and continued the routine! 

Today I realize even that book is almost finished! lol.. she has automatically gotten used to a routine to clear her hrs just so that they can watch their fav show. Such is a classic example of “Understanding ur Why”.. hahahaa.. 

Thankful for her sudden change . Thankful for my new pair of eyes . Thankful to be able to do my hobby once again. 

A day of randomness

Thought I come back to this since I had the afternoon free. Actually I had the whole day free coz my lunch appt got postponed and my next appt is 8pm. 

Thought I could sew the entire afternoon coz the sun was bright etc. but just a few stitches in, I took out my glasses and continued another few more, and called it a day. 

Patience my dear.. let’s just wait for my reading glasses to be here. Aging is a nuisance, and I’m starting to see things in William POV.. hahaha.. 

Not going to do anything constructive today.. hahaha.. just looking at the scenery right out of my balcony, it’s and blogging and soaking in the fresh air and hot sun. 

3 things to be thankful for:

1. I had a slow breakfast with the two men and drove Joash to school without any accident. 

2. I watched a lot of nonsense videos today.. hahaha.. just not doing anything important today. It’s a rare indulgence.. haha

3. I had a fruitful evening zoom appt. Suggested getting life/term plans for my clients’ kids but they wasn’t interested. It just reinforced what JM said to me when I was guilt tripping myself: “Insurance will never be enough when something happens, but will be too much when nothing happens.” 

I’m glad that I’ve said what I think is impt; I’ve done my part and if they don’t wan, it’s completely fine! I’m just irritated when things happen and then I start blaming myself “why didn’t I recommend this etc”

Financial adviser is a tough job for people who think too much (me).. hahahaha.. 

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Night swim

Ever since my mental breakdown last week, I’ve been trying to build up my mental tank, or joy tank. So that when the next attack comes, I’ll be prepared. 

Listened to a podcast today abt channeling anxiety into positive energy and how an appropriate dose of anxiety is primarily used to protect us etc.. but eventually I felt that the podcast was more of promoting the author’s book which I’ll probably go read once I’m done with my current book. 

Went to make a pair of reading glasses coz ever since I’ve had 老花，I can neither read or do my cross stitch which is frustrating coz I end up spending my time scrolling on social media’s which leads to an even bigger problem etc. 

Anyway back to the podcast, the person also suggested one of the steps of topping up our joy tank was to list down 3 things that one is grateful for - daily. And so I did. 

1. Thankful for shelter

- I’m thankful that God provided us with this home, one that ticks all the right boxes. He provided financially, for us to afford this place. Even though, sometimes I do get anxious over if we could afford it, especially since my sales have been pretty quiet for this year. But whatever it is, we shall let God lead

2. Thankful for William 

- I can’t thank him enough, to be my soulmate, my partner and my anchor. He is my 披风岗 - one that I can hide behind or rely upon, when things can overwhelming. Yes, he’s not perfect, but so am I. In fact, I’m thankful that he can be the “speaker” whenever I have to attend social events; when I dunno what to say or when I’m feeling socially awkward. 

3. Thankful for my career and the opportunities

- Thankful that I joined the right man, the right job and industry. If you ask the fresh graduate me 21yrs ago, if I would ever imagine myself to be, I would never have imagined that this was possible.  Grateful for all the opportunities that were given. 

My 9pm zoom flew last min and so I had the chance to do a night swim. 

景色很美，感恩🥹

Praying that I’ll be close to God, in every step of my journey.

Emo week

Depression - my long time battle - left few days after my period arrived. It came and left unexpectedly.

This was how I felt most of last week- life without colours and wondering if all of these will end. I didn’t understand what was going thru, why all of a sudden my life was always so bleak and dark. 

It left as quietly as it came. And I’m afraid that it returns again, be it randomly or routinely following my period. Coz I do feel that the valleys do get deeper occasionally. 

I wished I wasn’t so emo. I wished I wasn’t so needy. A friend once said that this is a good trait as a leader - to be emphatic towards one’s challenges and circumstances. I’m not sure if this make sense but I need to learn and develop more superpowers.. hahaha.. to learn to decluttter my negative thoughts, to digest the negative news and transfer it into positive energy. 

Tapping Out

That was what I wanted to do last night- to tap out, tap out of life, tap out of work, tap out of friends etc. I went into a dark hole. And I was afraid, afraid that I might never walk out of it. My old friend has chosen to come visit when I’m most vulnerable and I could even see it in my eyes. How it’s controlling my mind and allowing it to eat me alive. I even started to think of the different permutations.

It comes and goes. There are days when I feel at peace and in control, but there were also nights when my emotions just overwhelmed me. 

I decided to do something that isn’t typical of me. Which was to go for a company lunch even though know I might end up sitting with unfamiliar faces. Even though it’s tiring to strike up conversations. 

But I went anyways. 

Coz I know I need to put a stop to all these. I need to walk out of my black hole. I need to make new friends. I need rely on the support of my old friends. They are there, there for me. And I know I can reach out and grab their hands if I allow myself to. 

I’m glad I did. Angela came along when she knew that I was coming. So thankful for that. 

We all have our different battles in life. Our challenges. And we can overcome it all, with the support of our loved ones. 

Tough week

Happy nails to an otherwise tough week.. 

What was supposed to be a 3D2N couple short trip ended up being a half day trip to JB bcoz William mom is still in hospital, coupled with the fact that Joy is going to do her own jab tomorrow and I wanted to be around for her. I don’t think I can even start talking abt this without tearing. Even the few words here is able to start me on a heavy downpour. 

I saw this bible verse on Joash artwork from church on Saturday. Trying my best to remind myself of God’s promises though at this moment in time, it did little to comfort me. 

The last week has been extremely tough. 

I had a heart to heart talk with Joy to brtter understand her condition. Turns out she has been in extreme pain for longer than I thought. When I asked why she never once told us abt it, her only reply to us was she didn’t want to be an additional burden to us coz our hands are full with the other 3 kids. My heart broke once again. 😭😭😭 My sensible teenager who thought it’s better that she just swallow her pain so that she doesn’t cause further trouble to us. 

I ended up killing myself for the first few days bcoz of this. 

“Had I not paid enough attention to her such that she didn’t think it was safe to speak up?”

“Why didn’t I notice the signs?” 

“What kind of mom am I when I don’t even know what’s the name of her illness?” 

“Why have we given her bad genes?”

“Why can’t I be the one suffering?”

心很痛

And then the financial mom went to check her coverage. My planning for my own kids or my clients’ kids have been consistent. Get H&S for them and a basic whole life plan and they can always top up the rest when they start work. 

But this will no longer be an option for her. Her condition meant she can no longer buy any insurance. 

Has my planning been flawed? On hindsight I should have gotten an additional huge term with convertibility, so that the parents / kids have a chance to top up without health assessment. 

This I shared with my client during the Saturday review. I ended up tearing during the appt, which was so unexpected. I had spoke too much that my wound hurts. 

In fact the last week I ended up crying everywhere when some of my friends asked. Haiz.. I was a total wreck. 

I felt that I had failed in so many areas: 做妈妈也没做好，做我唯一会做的工作也没把它做到完整。

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Praying for God’s healing upon her and wisdom to ride thru this journey together. Praying that I will be out of the woods soon. Amen!

Life is short

One of my relatives suddenly passed away yesterday. He was 64. It was pretty sudden and none of his siblings expected this to happen. 

On the way to the wake, I started tearing. Not becoz I was super attached to the uncle. But more for my own selfish reasons. William will b in his 60s in 10yrs time. Will he even have 10yrs? What if it happens within the next 1yr? And I’ll probably guilt trip myself for cancelling the recent July couple trip etc.. 

Life is short. 

And suddenly all the nitpicking seems so pointless and childish. I try not to, but stress made it hard to control. 

Coupled with William’s update abt Joy condition. Turns out the injections are a little more complicated than we thought. She has to be on it for long term, and while she is on it, she can’t take anything raw/semi cooked, meaning medium rare meats, sashimi and even half boiled eggs. And we weren’t even briefed on this during the doctor appt last week! The nurse that was supposed to teach her the injections told Joy and William today. Thankfully William was with her. He asked if she wanted to reconsider. She said to go ahead, bcoz her joints are in pain. She must have been suffering in silence all these while coz for a foodie to choose this, I can’t imagine the pain she has been suffering all these while. There’s a lot of questions on our mind currently like why and what condition is this exactly ? Or what is the possible outcomes out of all these. Wanted to rush home to hug my kids when he was giving me the debrief in the car. My kid who has seldom made me worry much 🥹🥹🥹

Currently praying for God’s healing on her, that we will witness a miracle on this, in Jesus name I pray, Amen!

My cheerleaders

The company posted me and my achievements 1 day after my bday, which isn’t something uncommon. What was surprising was when I saw this:

One of my sister/therapist/girlfriend reposted this on her IG! 

I felt a rojak of emotions la.. as usual.. hahaha.. and I text her to say Thanks! Her reply was even more amazing. She said that both she and her hubby are so proud of me… she is so kind. 

It was a simple gesture but it made me v 感动。If someone who isn’t even related to me or in this industry can do this, certainly the hermit/low self esteem me can do better in promoting myself right !? And so I reposted this today. 

I also listed down the reasons why I wanted to be a leader again and most importantly, I decided that since I wanna be a leader I shouldn’t hide behind anymore. If my objective is to want to help advisers, then I should find them. I should put my focus in training, in recruitment, in fishing. I shouldn’t hide behind my personal sales appts. 

Such lofty aspiration. 

Talk is cheap. 

I saw the photos that some of my fellow peers posted on a gala dinner tonight, and wondered if the statement I said 5mins ago hold any truth. 

How is it that my immediate thoughts was “Heng I didn’t go.” lol… hahahahaha.. instead of “wow, I manage to mingle and talk to xxx…” 

Is this really the right job for me? 

Change is uncomfortable. 

I wished I stepped into this when I was much younger, when my skin was thicker.. Hahaah.. now many things also think 2000 permutations before I consider again. 

I wished I can c the transformed lena or have a glimpse of it now, so that I know the uncomfortable change is worth the mile. 

I wished I could be the convincing leader that stands in front and delivers a charismatic speech. 

Like what Joleen says, “There is only 1 LKY. I need to find my style and personality.” 

But what if I can’t find it? What if I was never meant to be a leader? 

Will I look at this msg in time to come, and smile? Or will I be chasing my tail endlessly?

Happy birthday to me!

Finally got a chance to burn some calories today. Hardly exercise for the whole of June coz helper is away. And then by the time we do the sch drop offs, the sun is so bright that it’s so hard to swim. Plus I was lazy too la.. haha

Decided to do something for myself today. And it was nice to do a swim and just laze by the pool beds after that. 

Not doing anything fancy today coz no helper and I just didn’t wan William to 忙到半死 just for my bday. Everyday is a happy day as long as everyone’s healthy. 

Went for a simple lunch at our usual Korean restaurant before he dropped me off to meet Joy at TTSH for her medical appt. Long story short, she’s going to start some injections every week from next week. I just pray that this would work and that her condition would improve. 

By the time we were done, it was almost 6pm. Rushed home to see William still busy preparing for dinner. I was supposed to pick Joash but by the time the TTSH appt was done, it was kinda too late. 

He made Korean cold noodles! And it tasted to my liking.. hahahaha.. it’s not like the typical kind where the noodles are gooey, his version is slightly better and more suited for me (I feel but I could b biased too.. hahaha) 

I’ve been craving for Korean cold noodles for a long time and I’m glad this worked out! Hahahha.. then we could always have this anytime we wanted. And the best part is we could top it up with our fav meats and not the miserable few pieces of meat that we get when we dine out. 

Had so much emotions as I see this picture. 

孩子长大了，我们都老了。我想我人生中做最对的决定就是嫁给你，跟你一起把这些人带大。。哈哈哈哈。。生日愿望很简单。希望我爱的人和爱我的人都健康、快乐。

New Findings

 I always believe that the truth will set one free. 

And today, while doing the dishes at 5am, (I didn’t need to but I just wanted to help William in the little things), I had another aha moment. 

I really don’t enjoy doing chores, not even the dishes. And I’m grateful that I get to choose to do something enjoyable like my work, every single day. I get to, it’s my choice. My freedom and at least I’m enjoying my work, not like some friends whom I know where work is stressful and no purpose and is stuck. 

The moment where I get to “escape” to work, is liberating. 

I get to empower people with financial knowledge. 

I get to empower my advisers with knowledge so that they are more confident facing their clients. 

I get to see their metamorphosis. Some faster than others. 

I get to hug my kids in the morning, and spend time with each of them. 

I get to travel overseas with my colleagues and family, mostly funded by company. People who know me, know how much I dread going on such trips. But it’s a privilege.

I get hugs from the little boy who can kiss and kiss me in the mornings for as long as I wanted, and as many times as I requested. Yes, the struggles of having a toddler is exhausting, but there are perks alongside with it. 

The word “get” changes one’s mindset. It shifts from being forced to do, to having a choice to do. Instead of saying “I have to work to pay bills”, say “I get to work bcoz it’s the only few things in life I enjoy doing, besides eating and cross-stitching”

“I get to hold meeting groups bcoz there are people who needs help”

Shall try to go back to zzz. It’s 6am now. Oh well.

Received this pot of flowers this morning during our company meeting. A colleague gave this to me for my birthday, together with a bday card that she hand-made.

I was so touched by what she wrote. It is a good reminder/affirmation. I’m thankful for this reminder. Coz just last week, I felt defeated and deflated, and wondered if what I was doing was changing things. 

And then when I read the book last week abt “get” vs “have to”, it changed my mind. 

And this morning, the gift was another affirmation.

Might seem trivial to some, but it means a lot to this emo kid (me). 

应该还是有做对一点点吧，所以才会得到这份温暖的阳光☀️

In fact, my emo “younger twin” dated me next week for a floral arrangement class! 

These are my babies whom we have grown so much closer in the last 11 mths.. and these are babies whom I’m waiting for one day, to 超越我。And when that happens, my job is complete. 

Thankful for the opportunity to guide them, to be their “mother” and to lead them. The best is yet to be.