RD - Updates

After replying "no medicine allergies" and telling everyone >100 times tat " I'm pregnant" , the op finally ended and I was discharged. 

Had wanted to do this earlier but couldn't coz the hurting eye made it difficult to open the right eye as well. I was literally a blind bat walking with my two eyes close around the house with Joy as my walking stick. 

The op was successful (Thank God and all who prayed for me!), although I also died in the operating theatre. Being pregnant means tat instead of being on GA , I was on LA (local anaesthesia ) which means tat I was conscious of the work they were doing on me throughout the procedure! Midway through the op, I reminded asking the doc several times if we were done? And each time he would say "juz a while longer my dear and it would be perfect and u would be able to go to HK !" Haha.. He remembered abt my trip! So nice of him even though I was no longer keen on anything except going home to c my Joy or visiting the gynae to make sure the twins are fine. 

Nevertheless I'm glad tat everything is okie now. Would hv to visit again early Tom morning for a review. Hopefully everything is really okie and there's no complications. After this ordeal, I seriously hope tat I don't need to do any ops on my eyes any further. Super respect those tat went to do LASIK to correct their vision. How do they manage to keep their sanity?? Haha.. Anyway, I'm juz glad tt I happen to chop off my hair y'day prior to seeing the doc. It's so much easier to maintain ! Maybe God has told my hairstylist to chop it real short.. Haha.. 

Okie gotten stop now coz Little Joy says I shldnt be looking at my iPhone too much! Such a sweet girl right! A thankful me to end 2011 and a great start to 2012! Once again thank u for praying! 

Retinal Detachment

B
On Monday, while shopping at Ikea, I realised tat there were some problems with my eyesight. It seems tat everything via my left eye (upwards) were blur . I thought it could be the use of old glasses with the wrong degree. Nevertheless, Uncle Pig insisted tat we go for a check with my regular optician for a piece of mind. 

After procrastinating for a few days, I finally met the optician, Hazel, on thur. She went thru the screening very detailedly with me and suggested going to the hospital for a more precise check. The appt was for the following day. Despite my pleas to do it after our Hk trip, Hazel and uncle pig felt tat there was a need to do it now. 

Went to c the doc on fri, 2pm at SNEC. I had wanted to do it with the private hospital knowing tat I have medical insurance which I can claim from if the bill were to soar upwards. But being the typical Uncle Pig, both him and Hazel suggested seeking treatment at SNEC since it was a specialize centre for the eye. I could always do a second consultation after tat if my experience with the former was undesirable. Anyway in order to skip the waiting time, I went in as a private patient. 

At the clinic, they did a lot of tests and finally concluded tat I had Retinal Detachment. Gasp! So what did it mean? It mean tat the retina on my left eye was detached and there was an immediate emergency to do the op now! Now?? Yes, now.. Huh? But I'm pregnant!! Can't it wait till may? Or next week? It's new year eve and I don't wanna cross the year in the hospital! Plus I have a gathering tomorrow at my place, a trip next week and many many things.. Can't we wait? How abt seeking another opinion? Anyway due to the seriousness of the detachment , the doc says we can't wait, not even till next week. He did however , allow the op to be postponed to saturday (new yr eve) early morning as I had juz taken some food an hr ago. Fasting was required prior to the op and I would be on local anaesthesia. There are risks for all ops and esp since I'm pregnant. By this time I was sobbing hard, blaming myself for causing this and maybe hurting my twins indirectly. By this time, I was also the last patient around. The whole hospital seems to have closed except for a few nurses still attending to me. I was comforted tat they were really very nice, assuring and comforting. I didn't feel like i was in a govt hospital and the care while there is very good. 

Anyway it's fixed. Op is on sat, 10am.. News started to sink in after we left the hospital and I think my tap didn't really stop even through the night. It was the thought of maybe hurting my twins tat was tormenting me and juz before I zz, I pray again. 

Right now , I'm back at the hospital for my op. I told J in the early morning requesting her for a prayer and was shocked to receive her reply. Her words comforted me and juz as I thought my tap has run dry, the final drops came dripping down again. But i did feel better talking to her and I guess, we juz have to leave it to God, and his workers to do the work. 

Going to be pushed in soon.. Praying tat everything will be smooth and there would be no complications. Pls direct all calls/SMS to uncle pig.. Love ya and happy new year to everyone!

30.12.2011

Today I sent uncle pig to his office; most probably one of the final times. His fridges, ovens, racks and all equipment will be sold back to his supplier.

As I see him doing his final packing, and the workers slowly pushing away his equipment piece by piece, emotions overwhelmed me and tears started to stream down my cheeks. This is a place that he has spent his last 15mths doing his art, his passion and now everything will come to an end.  It's an ironic tat I used to complain tat Haven Bakery takes time away from us but now even I'm so affected. Haiz..

Nevertheless, I thank God for giving us this place, the opportunity to create our dream for these 15mths. It's indeed an experience tat few can say have done it. Although its with great pity tat we have to close today, I'm still grateful for this chance tt God has given us.

I know we will be back again and when we come back, it will be in a greater scale.

Reflections 2011

Woke up at 5am today and simply can't fall asleep.. And since I can't zz, I thought I might as well do some reflections as this yr comes to a close. 

2011 has been an exciting year for me. It has seen many highs and lows of my life. The highs: 
1) Adoption
- in 2011, I became open to the idea of adoption, something tat I don't tink I would b comfortable in previously. 

2) embarking on my IVF
- in July, at the spur of the moment, I suggested to do IVF to uncle pig. It seem a daunting task even at the start of it. The struggles and pains of it, with no certainties of any results.  
- I often compared TTC to taking exams in school. Being a hardworking student in the past, I always try my best and do ok-well in my grades. But it seems tt nothing of all those prepared me for this route. It didn't mean tat getting married earlier equates to more children or starting early = easy conception. No! I realise tat even though back in sch, I could have a direct control on my grades, I couldn't control the results of my TTC journey. It's not as if I put in an ounce of hard work, I will know with certainty tat I will see the results. I had to complete surrender it to Him - something I learn hard this year. Complete surrender to the Lord. It's hard and really easier said than done. But looking back, I know I wouldn't have made it without God. Everything could have gone wrong, but it didn't. In fact , the process was smoother than we could ever imagine. 

3) Joy
- She has been more than a helper than a child, especially since we embarked on our IVF journey. I seriously believe tat God sent her here to take care of me and to love me. She has always been an easy baby since birth, and now as a 4-yr old, she takes care of me, reminds me to take my supplements, wear my shoes for me and many many things.. She's more like a sister to me, than my daughter. Many friends have asked if she would be jealous with the arrival of the twins or if we have prepared the "gift" for her (telling her its from the twins).. My response was no, we didnt need to get such gifts. Coz she's ever so looking forward to it, praying now for the safe arrival of the twins and eagerly sharing this news with her friends! Indeed I am blessed to have her. God I thank You for sending her to me, and I pray tat she continue to grow under Yr wings, to know more abt You and also share her love with others. 

The Lows: 
1) Not working as hard as I would like to
- looking back, I didn't work much for this year. I would want to do more next year, and it's because I really enjoy my work. Yes, in fact I do . ( surprisingly ) It gives me confidence and control and satisfaction when the client appreciates yr planning. It is the ONE thing tat I know how to do and to do it well. God, I pray tat You help me in my work, help me help these people, and bless me with the people who needs me. Help me provide for my family as more expenses will be coming next year. God, You know our finances, and I know tat all these are provided by You. I pray that You continue to see us thru, help us pay our bills and most importantly , help us be a light to others so tat they too can know abt You.

2) Closing the bakery
In a few days time, we will be closing the bakery. Right now, we are in the midst of packing the equipment and throwing away all those tat we can't bring back. It's a pity tat he has to give up this biz. It's a pity tat even though our original plan was to continue baking back home, looking at his current arrangements, this too has been shelved due to lack of space at home. I'm still hoping for a miracle tat someone comes in a shining amour and take over the existing lease. We have 3 more days. =)

It's been 3 hrs since I'm awake and the zz monster is here again.. Shall stop here for now

Reflections on Christmas Day

During dinner, I asked Uncle Pig if he would like to try for another 'boy' after the arrival of our twins. And his reply was " why would I do that? God gave me 3 children and I'm more than satisfied"  
It warmed my heart and I strongly agree with him. Having gone thru a few years of infertile attempts, to the extent of never dreaming tat we would ever have another one, the thought tat we are richly blessed with the coming arrival of not one but two wonderful gifts from G0d, is something tat i wouldn't dare dream in the past. 
A lot of our friends initial first response upon hearing tat we are having 2 princesses was tat now I can finally pass all of Joy's clothes and baby stuff to her, which I explained to them tat we would need to buy most of it , if not all. Tat was because we had passed on to our friends after keeping it for several yrs. it was an infertile decision @ work, something tat I had almost forgotten but reminded again. We chose to give away all the stuff then, because the mere keeping of them would trigger hopes, anticipations, then disappointments and disappointments and the cycle spirals from there. I remembered telling uncle pig then, tat if I were ever pregnant, I would be more than happy to start our shopping again and this time with more enthuasium. And if I were not, at least I wouldn't be too disappointed.. This feeling of not even daring to hope - is something I've almost forgotten . And I'm always reminded of God's goodness to me and my family, how He rescued us from the deepest valleys and put joy into our lives again. 
Right now, I juz wanna pray for the smooth delivery of my beloved twins, tat God u protect them while they r in my womb,U and U protect them and bless them with good health and wisdom when they are here. God I also pray for my friends who are trying to have kids, tat You warm the womb, so tat it's desirable to conceive. Lord I pray tat You give them patience as You make Yr plans in the most perfect timing for them. I know it's easier than said to have faith in You, but Lord, I pray that you send an angel to them today to let them know tat they are not forgotten. Sometimes when the night seems so dark with no signs of daylight, a word / sign/ voice / anything from You gives the weak courage to dream, courage to believe.. In Jesus name I pray - amen 

Gynae's Visit

Went to the gynae today with Joy and Uncle Pig for our scan. Sitting at the ever familiar couch, it just seemed yesterday when we were going for our first consultation and right now, we are already mid-way towards our pregnancy. How a span of 6mths would have changed our lives so much, unexpectedly. It just seem recently, when I was trying to come to terms with myself of not being able to conceive again, and even now, everyday, I would wonder if the twins heartbeat would continue beating? I would not be able to sleep the night before the gynae's appt, for fear that I might get a rude shock during the scan. I was and is still afraid that I might not be able to carry them to full term. But the bible says :

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
- Deuteronomy 31:6

I try to always remember that God is with us, and no matter what circumstances, we will just have to hold on to Him, for He is ever so faithful.

Anyway, during the scan, everything's okie. It should be two girls, which is fine. We even saw one of the twins do a headstand! Amazing! Its the active one who's always jumping around during all our scans, while the other one is always sleeping. The worrying part for both of us is that the sleepy one is always inactive..and I'm not sure if that by itself is a cause for concern. Uncle Pig and I are worried that the inactive one might be the one with the special needs, but if it really is, then God grant us the logistics and patience to guide the 3 kids la..

My first day as a full time mama

Joy came down with flu early this morning. Despite waking up at 7am, she continued to zz after her milk feed. Uncle pig allowed her to zz for another hr before attempting to wake her up again. The plan was to still bring her to sch as he has a heavy baking schedule for the next few days. But I didn't have the heart to wake her up. And unlike the usual mild flus tat she always had, this seemed a little stronger, even on the 2nd day. So I suggested tat Uncle Pig head for work while I will bring her to c the PD later n most likely take her for the whole day. 

He was pretty worried for me coz I don't usually cope well with kids. Not tat I dislike them, it's juz tat I always feel stressed as to how to entertain them for the entire day. Yes, it sounds pretty weird right? Tat even though Joy is such an easy child, I will be afraid too.. And even though Joy's 4 yrs old, I've never took care of her for the entire day. Yes, the entire day! I don't know wat sounds more scary; having nv really taken care of her in the past 4 yrs by myself (blush blush) ; or spending the next 20 over hrs w her alone,with no lifelines..  I've brought joy out, with friends and their kids, or even shopping alone w her.. But those r events tat r planned, and I juz needed to execute them. But this morning, I juz wanted her to rest. 

The morning went by pretty easily. We went to the PD and the plan was to have lunch after tat with my mom, followed by a nap back home. I managed to reschedule my appts too so tat I didn't have to rush to the appts w her although Joy would love to go with me and I do bring her along, for some of the clients I'm closer to. 

After we reached home, I quickly fed her med, change her and prepare for nap. Yes, NAP! A pretty daunting task for me coz I've never made her zz for ages and she seldom take naps nowadays even in sch.. And I manage to make her zz! Despite the fact tt she made many many visits to the toilet, some fussing here n there , she's sleeping soundly now as I'm completing this entry. 

It's satisfying tat things could b tat easy, and not as daunting as I've imagined. Proud of myself, even though I know this is just a normal routine for some of my SAHM friends.. Hehe.. Wondering y did I take so long to do this.. 

Shall stop here n go back to zz w her and when she's awake, we shall go for dinner before meeting uncle pig! It really is simple yeah.. I love myself today.. Haha

A day by the pool...

Today while at the pool, we met with a special needs child, who is in her 20s. She was at the slide pool where joy and some of the older kids were queuing for their turns at the slide. She seem happy, like a child, not caught up with the troubles of the world. When I looked at her, I asked myself if we had the capacity n heart to take care of a special needs child. It was not without hesitation. Looking at her, I wonder deeply if we were able to take care of her as if our child would always be in her early stage. Its as if Joy would remain as a 4 year old year even when she grows older. Would we have the patience to take care of her then? Would we have the humility to accept Joy for who she is, and to be proud of her when she accomplishes her own milestones completely different from her peers? I asked myself many What Ifs? as thou it has been cast in stone because I wanted to be as prepared as I am, although I know no matter wat, we won't be 100% prepared if it really happens. Being in my occupation, I also thought of setting a trust fund for the special child n we would hv to teach Joy over the years, that taking care of the child and loving her, would be of primary importance. Joy could be the legal guardian when William n I are no longer around. It was not a case of a decision that involves juz William & I , but it would includes Joy as well. I wanted to think of all possible scenarios because I didn't want our decision to be based on spitefulness or pressure, but because we have thought long and hard of it. I know for once, my mom 's reaction would be tat all these was due to IVF n it won't hv happened if we didn't explore this route. Was I prepared to accept all these groundless accusations? Not that they will form the root of the decision-making, but they will be there. And if I wanted to still go ahead, I must be prepared to face all these and much more. 
Looking at Joy, I wondered if it would be fair for her too, to have such a huge responsibility. I'm glad tat God gave me William & Joy so tat they r able to take care of me, and the twins. I know with them, I didn't need worry abt almost anything else. And if this is really in God's plans, then I will own it too.