Delayed emotions

Suddenly felt a dash of emotions today when I realize that both uncle choo and joy would be away for the next 10 days… 

And I’m going to hold the font while they are up in their respective mountains 🥹

This is how I’m feeling now. Probably started since last night when I couldn’t really zzz.. 

It got so bad that I skipped my afternoon nap today.. 

I know it’s only 10 days and they will be back faster than I realize. Just a tingling fear abt the worse case scenario:

1. what if joy had some mishaps during outfield ? 
2. What if uncle choo got lost in his jungle trekking? 
3. What if things got so overwhelming at home and I end up screaming / killing the other kids ? 🥹🤣🤣🤣 
4. Grace even ask who should she save first if I put the remote control or vera phone into the freezer? (Happened before)

I know this too shall pass… Haiz.. I should mull over a cup of Nutella .. Hahahhaha.. that thought itself gave me a smile 😊 

Peaceful Easter Weekend

This is by far one of the most peaceful Easter weekends I ever had.. i remember for the longest time when the girls were little, the long weekend often meant many meltdowns, endless cryings and battles after battles.. i tried to search on my blog, but i probably can't find it. Just a snippet of Easter here

Anyway this weekend, I went to NUS with joy.. the last time i was here with her was 9 yrs ago! And I drove past that college today too..How time flies when that NUS visit was initiated by her school back then to encourage the kids to be motivated to study hard so that they can go to a better university when they grow up.. 

Now that kid has grown up. She's going for her BMT on Tuesday, and overseas uni in Sep.. that little bun.. my little baby..

Uncle Choo whipped up a feast today.. as a farewell treat for the firstborn ba.. 

But little did I know that as I was chatting with him at the end of the dinner, he was overwhelmed with emotions.. 

"I'm not ready for her next phrase of life.." he said softly..

My quiet giant.. 🥹🥹🥹

I know he's proud of her. I am too. And even though we are proud of her achievements, and how sensible she has blossomed over the years, this moment is HARD. She made us parents first.. its as if she's our first teacher..lol.. 

Praying that God continue to guide her in her next season, that God comfort my CEO, that he has peace in his heart. 

THank you Jesus for everything! Amen!

Lena’s Travels

And this wraps up our 1-1 mama daughter trip. 

Thankful to be able to spend this week with my young adult, before she starts her next chapter. 

I’m a proud mama, even though she always feels that I’m not supportive of career choices. 

I guess, it’s something I need to learn, learn to let go, learn to set her free, to fly like a bird. 

My heart is full. I’m grateful for this opportunity to hold her, to let her take care of me, before her heart has other “contestants”. Hahahahhaha! 

Where did my little bean go? We stayed in a tiny boutique hotel on our Tokyo extension and had to squeeze on a tiny bed. She was uncomfortable with sharing, but I was delighted. Hahahah.. I jokingly reminded her that she used to only be able sleep on my arm. There were many nights where sleeping meant carrying a 10 kg baby and singing “twinkle twinkle” til I see stars.. hahahha.. 

感恩你长大了，这么优秀，这么会照顾别人。 我希望你能记得要好好照顾自己，也希望在不久的将来你也会找到一个会照顾你一辈子的人。

妈妈永远爱你 ❤️

Even when she’s still grieving, she doesn’t show it at all. 

She continues to show up to be the 大姐for her siblings, to help jaga Joash while William is out for his gathering. I know she’s crying inside and her way is to bury it so that we wouldn’t worry about her. I wished she wouldn’t hide it.

God, thank you for sending joy to us. I pray that you lead us in this journey as she seeks you, that we remember of your faithfulness everyday, every part of this journey. I pray that when one door closes, you will open the right doors for her. God I bring that You bring hope to her, that she be reminded that in everything You are in control. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Joy lost the scholarship again for the second time. 

It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking not because of the loss but coz the officials told her that the appeal was accepted, raise her hopes only to have the medical team to reject her a second time. (Her medical condition deems her unfit for military even though she passed all her physical tests with flying colours.)

She cried even harder this time round. It’s as if the floodgates were let loose. In her desperation, she said she isn’t going to apply for any more scholarship. Just going to get a local degree. Get a normal job. All the 气话。🥺🥺🥺

No amount of consolation would touch her. She just cried inconsolably. I could see it eating her alive. She just kept going on and on abt how much time she wasted preparing for her UK application and scholarship interviews and in hindsight she shouldn’t even try. 

My heart broke together with her. It’s not like her to give up when things don’t go her way. So her reaction was 💔💔💔

There was nothing we could say to console her. I know eventually, this would seem a minor setback when she lives a full life to 80. But now, this was everything she wished and worked for. It was her everything. 

We could only cry together with her, hug her, give her a safe space to rant, to cry, to feel all her emotions. 

Tough week

Happy nails to an otherwise tough week.. 

What was supposed to be a 3D2N couple short trip ended up being a half day trip to JB bcoz William mom is still in hospital, coupled with the fact that Joy is going to do her own jab tomorrow and I wanted to be around for her. I don’t think I can even start talking abt this without tearing. Even the few words here is able to start me on a heavy downpour. 

I saw this bible verse on Joash artwork from church on Saturday. Trying my best to remind myself of God’s promises though at this moment in time, it did little to comfort me. 

The last week has been extremely tough. 

I had a heart to heart talk with Joy to brtter understand her condition. Turns out she has been in extreme pain for longer than I thought. When I asked why she never once told us abt it, her only reply to us was she didn’t want to be an additional burden to us coz our hands are full with the other 3 kids. My heart broke once again. 😭😭😭 My sensible teenager who thought it’s better that she just swallow her pain so that she doesn’t cause further trouble to us. 

I ended up killing myself for the first few days bcoz of this. 

“Had I not paid enough attention to her such that she didn’t think it was safe to speak up?”

“Why didn’t I notice the signs?” 

“What kind of mom am I when I don’t even know what’s the name of her illness?” 

“Why have we given her bad genes?”

“Why can’t I be the one suffering?”

心很痛

And then the financial mom went to check her coverage. My planning for my own kids or my clients’ kids have been consistent. Get H&S for them and a basic whole life plan and they can always top up the rest when they start work. 

But this will no longer be an option for her. Her condition meant she can no longer buy any insurance. 

Has my planning been flawed? On hindsight I should have gotten an additional huge term with convertibility, so that the parents / kids have a chance to top up without health assessment. 

This I shared with my client during the Saturday review. I ended up tearing during the appt, which was so unexpected. I had spoke too much that my wound hurts. 

In fact the last week I ended up crying everywhere when some of my friends asked. Haiz.. I was a total wreck. 

I felt that I had failed in so many areas: 做妈妈也没做好，做我唯一会做的工作也没把它做到完整。

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Praying for God’s healing upon her and wisdom to ride thru this journey together. Praying that I will be out of the woods soon. Amen!

Life is short

One of my relatives suddenly passed away yesterday. He was 64. It was pretty sudden and none of his siblings expected this to happen. 

On the way to the wake, I started tearing. Not becoz I was super attached to the uncle. But more for my own selfish reasons. William will b in his 60s in 10yrs time. Will he even have 10yrs? What if it happens within the next 1yr? And I’ll probably guilt trip myself for cancelling the recent July couple trip etc.. 

Life is short. 

And suddenly all the nitpicking seems so pointless and childish. I try not to, but stress made it hard to control. 

Coupled with William’s update abt Joy condition. Turns out the injections are a little more complicated than we thought. She has to be on it for long term, and while she is on it, she can’t take anything raw/semi cooked, meaning medium rare meats, sashimi and even half boiled eggs. And we weren’t even briefed on this during the doctor appt last week! The nurse that was supposed to teach her the injections told Joy and William today. Thankfully William was with her. He asked if she wanted to reconsider. She said to go ahead, bcoz her joints are in pain. She must have been suffering in silence all these while coz for a foodie to choose this, I can’t imagine the pain she has been suffering all these while. There’s a lot of questions on our mind currently like why and what condition is this exactly ? Or what is the possible outcomes out of all these. Wanted to rush home to hug my kids when he was giving me the debrief in the car. My kid who has seldom made me worry much 🥹🥹🥹

Currently praying for God’s healing on her, that we will witness a miracle on this, in Jesus name I pray, Amen!

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Thankfulness

6 days since we shifted. I’m thankful that most things have been sorted out. Too much clutter from all of us. 

Note to self: Don’t buy unnecessarily. It occupies space and cost $$. And $$ takes time away from the kids. Spend less and I don’t need to work as hard (if I don’t wan to) or spend time with them in doing activities (so there will b beautiful memories created instead of physical clutter).

Thankful for William who manages the whole reno + shifting + clearing the old house. Wouldn’t have been possible without him. He’s the reason why I can work with a peace of mind.

Dining table arrived yesterday! Yeah!

Thankful that God is in control of everything. I never thought it would be possible to have it all - work that I enjoy, kids + a wonderful relationship with my soulmate. Never thought we could afford this beautiful house. Thank you God!

Today’s also Joy birthday. The day we got promoted as parents 16yrs ago. The feeling is never quite the same being parents for the first time vs being parents the nth time. Whenever people ask me which is more challenging, I always say it’s always the first time that’s most challenging, even though I am blessed with an easy child.

The reason is simple. During my time, parenting tips weren’t so readily available. And a lot of things we kinda learn on the job or tried 101 pattern before we finally got it right. There were also a lot of failed experiences - like mixing meds into her milk feeds and causing a milk strike thereafter; or forgetting to wipe/clean her hands before giving her snacks and thus resulting in her getting her first and only HFMD experience.

But in the midst of it all, I am ever so grateful of all the beautiful memories created, alongside with my co-pilot. We cry together, had our differences, and showered ❤️ with each other. 

Thank you God for blessing me with it all. 

She has grown to be a fine lady, ever so independent and reliable.

Proud mama

This is alrdy the second cup of paid coffee outside today.. hahaha.. so much abt paying for only 3 cups a week. Let’s see how the rest of this week goes. 

Woke up super early today coz we had to attend Joy’s student leader investiture. Proud moment for her and us. Glad that she’s enjoying her secondary sch life, thankful that the school has transformed her to be the independent, responsible leader she is now. #proudmamamoment

She wasn’t always enjoying her secondary sch life. The first year was hard, and there were a lot of adjustments to be made. Im glad she pulled thru. Fast forward and now she’s enjoying every moment of her final year in MGS. By the end of the ceremony, I was tempted to put the twins in this sch, if their results permit. But I’m haunted by how far the sch is.. hahaha.. we shall see how they fare. I know God has plans for them, in His own special way. 

Still waiting for my 11am appt but I’m so sleepy now. Omg.. it’s always the first appt that give me the jitters. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/2co.12.9.NIV

Day 4

Suddenly seems that the day passes so fast and uncle pig is coming back in another 3days!! Woohoo! Or mayb bcoz I was out the entire day so time seems to fly even faster.. hahaha

Had work discussions in the morning and I’m glad that alls sorted out. At least there is clarity now. Had to rush to Novena to go for Joy’s medical appt with NSC. We probably spend 3hrs there and then I had to rush back to office to take a zoom call while she did some revisions in the office. 

We had dinner at the Korean restaurant nearby. I feel so blessed that I’m reaping the rewards / ROI of my kids when she was cooking the whole entire time. Just waiting for the time when she’s going to start paying for the meals and giving me an allowance.. hahahaha.. glad that we spend some time together to hear abt her student life and her new collection of friends. 

Came home and saw that Joash wasn’t asleep yet so I volunteered to do the closing. I actually missed him so much today and the many times I went to check on the cctv I couldn’t find him in sight. The helper says he has been staying in her room watching her do ironing. 

Joy entertained the little boy while I took a shower. 

Finally no early morning drop offs for the next 2days. I pray that Joash zzz thru til 9am! If that happens, maybe we will do a short excursion tomorrow. And this wraps up today!

Day 2

Last night was bad. Joash woke up at 3am and only zz 2hrs later after I screamed at him. 🥹🥹 The thought of bringing him for a car ride did cross my mind but I’m afraid of it’s repercussions. He is obviously bullying me and the helper. Haiz…felt really bad that I was incompetent to make him zzz. That I had to resort to violence or scolding. And even after that I hardly zzz coz it was really too squeeze for 3 pax on the bed. He woke up at 7, and vera hug him to zzz so that I could have more space. They woke up by 9 and she took the morning shift while I zz for a while longer. I’m thankful for her, such is the merits of having a highly sensitive child I guess. Never saw it as a virtue until last yr. 

Had wanted to bring them to the outdoor water play but helper says that Joash seems to have diarrhoea and soft poop which means we are grounded. Gave him some meds. Will bring him to the pd and most likely no sch😭😭😭

人老了。每当需要熬夜，隔天起来不管睡多少都觉得不够。 Finally understood why uncle pig always rejected my proposals for weekend excursions bcoz he’s always too tired from all the night duties. 

Had lunch at home before bringing the two girls out to study. 

As much as I wanna take a nap, I know Joash wouldn’t zzz if I’m around. And vera definitely is more well behaved studying outside. So here we are. 

Spending time

Came home from the trip last Saturday and the 3 of us are still recovering from jet lag. Wouldn’t have happened if the baby would just zzz more on the plane. His sleeps are everywhere now and I’m just praying that this will end soon. 

And now, it’s time to spend some quality time with the girls.

Texted the teenager this morning and ask if she would like to do a coffee session with me in the midst of her exams. She chose the place and I’m just blogging while she continues her revision. 

Sometimes I look at her, and I thank God for sending her to me. And if I didn’t itchy backside and prayed for another baby, I would have an easy life now. Oh well, that’s a story for another day.

Revisions are auto pilot for her and I hardly need keep track of her progress. What I can do for her is to provide stops/ breaks for her so that she takes care of her mental health and that she doesn’t crash and collapse in the midst of the stress she is giving to herself. 

I’m thankful how she turn out to b despite the initial turbulence years. 

Take yr time my dear teenager. Enjoy each step of the way. 

Nightmare

As of yesterday, only joy and our helper remains Covid negative. The good news is Grace art kit turned negative yday too! Amen! 

And she requested to go for English tuition since she is officially free to roam; which I gladly agreed. 

But comes the next problem. Grace can go to sch on Friday but there isn’t anyone who could bring her. I asked if I could get a cab for her, but she says she can take public on her own. Gave her the instructions and we can only pray that she will figure things out on her own. Had an argument w William over this too. If he had started training the helper &/ kids on how to go and come back from sch earlier (the deadline was by end jul) then we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I was pissed and frustrated and everything just snowballed and my final words were “I hope if you die, we all die together”. 

Such mean and hurtful words. Yes I realise too. I guess fears crept in and took over. Then dreadful thoughts conquered my mind; like what if he really passes then what happens; especially since Joash is still so young etc. wah, once u let fears enter, they conquer and control. And i feel so horrible. 

I open my bible and this was what I saw. It’s assuring. And rather than let fears take over, I’ve decided to let God take control. Whatever. Surrender to Him and let Him be the captain of my ship.

Have kissed and make up with William too. Being old isn’t something he can control. We will just treasure every living day as a gift, that’s why it’s called present.

On a side note, this morning Joy brought her to the train station but they are headed for different directions. Grace is currently on the bus to school. It’s nice to have the girls step up and take on bigger roles I guess. Maybe training the helper to pick the girls isn’t impt anymore.

Today we will only have the 2 young kids home the entire day. (Coz grace will be having lunch in school before heading to nex for her Chinese tuition.) It’s also the first day where I don’t have any scheduled zoom appts. Hoping that I can spend more time with vera and see if she gets better. She has been having so many episodes these few days (before positive and even after) that I suddenly don’t know what’s wrong w her or me. I thought we were on a two steps forward but it seems like a three step backwards now again. Well, I guess we will just have to see, monitor and adapt. 

Eventful 24hrs

I posted this on my fb but thought I leave an entry here to remind myself how great God has been in protecting me and my household. And of coz this is a more detailed and elaborate one since this is my personal blog. The story goes like this .. 

On Tuesday afternoon on the way home walking with Joy, I twisted my left ankle and fell to the pavement. I had a bad landing and my right knee grazed the hard solid ground. I could feel the blood on the open right knee. Joy was in shock and ask me to get up but I couldn’t. My hands had also scratched the floor and both ankles were sprained; my right calf hurts badly and so does my back. I told her I needed time before I could get up. Being a veteran in falls, I know that there is no need to rush to getting up. Took my time and considered a few options:

1) call a cab / ask William to bring us home coz it’s still another 10 mins walk but where I landed was just after a highway. It was impossible to call a cab. As for calling William , for him to rescue it also meant he needs to make a big big detour before he would reach us. Option not possible.

2) call ambulance

- honestly this thought went thru my mind but it felt super guazhang plus I was due for my pump. I needed to go home pump. If I took this route, it probably means another few hrs away. Nah 

3) sit and wait til I was better

- that’s what I did and once I got up, I could lean on Joy and we began to walk home. 

I wanna shoot myself coz this pair of shoes have always make me twist my ankle. This isn’t the first time but I like how comfortable it was and how I could wear for causal / work. So I’ve been repurchasing this pattern for several yrs. As I recall now, I’ve fallen in this series for at least 3 separate occasions so yes, good bye shoes. 

Once we reach home, I washed up and William attended to my wounds. By now I could no longer walk without hurting myself. Even wearing my pants while sitting down was not possible. 

Can see the bruised ankle also ? And can I say that William was so gentle in doing the dressing but it still hurts big time. (Okie, I also happened to have Low tolerance for pain, so ya)

And becoz I was completed immobile, it meant he had to take the night shift. Joash hasn’t sttn. In fact he is more punctual in his night feeds compared to his day feeds. So I had a really peaceful night (haha.. woke up to pump and zzz straight). 

The next morning, he had to do the usual morning routine which is to drop the 3 girls at their school. In addition, it was also Joash vaccination. And bcoz I was still immobile, it meant one trip with 4 kids. I bade goodbye to time and went to zzz more.. hahaha.. I had some rest la despite the leg being super pain in certain positions. 

Then when they were done, he came to pick me up . My turn to see doc; change dressing and collected some meds. On hindsight I should have just seen a doctor on the night itself but I didn’t wanna see a locum. Aiya but today went to clinic at 11am , the doc left liaoz.. argh.. in the end went to my childhood gp..hahaha.. change and all’s good. 

By then had lunch and pick girls and headed home. Time 145pm 

330pm we left again; this time to see an ifc for Joash (yes, we concluded that ifc is required / necessary to give us sanity). Done with the sch tour but sadly sch wasn’t a good fit for us. Dropped me and Joash before he bring twins to minton for swim class. 

630pm papa and twins came home; dinner 

730pm grace swallowed fish bone and we tried to get her to swallow some rice and water. It didn’t work but she didn’t say much . Okie we wait and see. I go to the room to prepare for zoom. Joash has slight fever

745pm William asked for the dosage which I stared back at him. Coz usually the nurse will say the dosage but coz I wasn’t there, no one told him or he forgotten to ask. Tried calling pd, but he didn’t pick up. Lol..

750pm I hear a hysterical baby crying and his sisters trying their best to pacify him. Mr choo was in a dazed alrdy. He says his head is spinning aka he is fainting. I tell him to go lie on the couch. Cancelled my zooms. SOS some mommies on the recommended dosage etc. Managed to administer meds. Yeah ! By then William was gone. It’s not the first time it has happened. It’s his body telling him that he need rest. So I just let him lay on the couch. 

Oh before he fainted, he told Joy to go get dressings for me coz my knee’s having a period and overflowing like crazy liaoz.. so nice to have a teenager at home.

I went to close cranky Joash. Received the following text

At this moment, my heart is 满满的感恩.. what have I done to deserve this love from her. I’m so grateful really. 

After settling the baby, came out and walked into Grace room only to see her sitting up, in darkness hugging her giraffe.. she was in pain but she knows our hands are tight. I asked her if she would like to see a doctor immediately and she said yes. Told her to get dresssed and we will head down. 

Asked William to go into the room to zzz. Joy says she will hold fort at home and call me if anything. 

Prayed that kkh q wouldn’t b crazy. Thankfully it wasn’t. The nice doctors tried to find the bone and even did an x ray but no bone to be found. Oh well, came back home but at least Grace felt more at rest. She also got a free pass at home for the next 2 days. Lol.. 

At kkh 

Came home and joy was just done preparing her bf. I had to eat something before I could take my meds so she chatted with me. Shooed her to bed at 1130pm. 

Photo update from joy while I was at kkh.. haha 

It’s an eventful 24hrs but I’m so thankful that my girls have raised to the occasion. Really. 长大了也会开始体谅家人. Really thankful. 

Going to bed now. Showered, pump and also Just fed Joash his midnight milk . Tired but God’s protection and covering is with us every step of the way. A lot of things could have gone a lot worse but it didn’t. 

Tomorrow is a long day but I’ve cancelled my work appts. So hopefully that would help. 

Praying that the right ifc comes along soon. 

Growth spurt

Just as I thought I’m going to be stuck with my pump forever, J had his first growth spurt on Thursday. He just kept drinking and drinking and refused to zzz... such that william and joy had to take turns to make him to zzz but he wasn’t sleeping well. 

So I took out my boobs and let him latch. Coz it’s easier to overfeed a baby with a bottle, then with my boobs la.. lol.. 

So in between his feeds, I was his dessert.. hahaha 

It felt good to be able to latch him and not b stress over it. It was still enjoyable during the afternoon but by his last feed (10pm), we gave him the bottle and all 3 of us fell asleep! William and I were afraid that he would wake up an hr later so better zzz while we could.. hahaha.. been so long since I zz at 10pm but it felt good !

This was taken by grace just a few days ago. I’m feeling better now, the blues seem to be gone for now, for which I’m thankful. 

Maybe it’s bcoz I had more sleep, or bcoz I had work as a distraction, or simply bcoz I’ve 看开 over the breastfeeding demands, I’m okie (for now). Life isn’t just abt how long u pump , or how much the baby drink etc ..hahaha.. mental health for the mama is also v impt too.

 

This chek chek takes so many selfie with the little man with my hp.. lol.. she calls him “the big boss”.. hahah

Thankful that they are hanging around well..

 This morning started well, with me sleeping til 8plus.. I could hear the girls awake and Joy offered to make pancakes for them for breakfast. Thus allowing me to sleep in a bit more. 

I had breakfast with the girls while the men were out for their morning walk. 

It’s heartening to know that the girls were enthusiastic in helping out.. I seriously did not see this coming and I’m so thankful for the little kind gestures. 

Vera fed J at 10am  while papa showered him. Joy carried him thereafter coz he didn’t seem satisfied after his feed.. lol... she was super proud that she managed to make him zzz! 

J & J 

My heart is full with gratitude when I see this.. mayb my initial fears were unfounded. But right now, I’m thankful for everything that has happened.. 

She even told me that it’s a lot easier caring for this little man than the twins.. lol.. to which I agree ..

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/psa.107.1.niv

Bible verse

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such a timely reminder.. Just wanna embrace this verse and remind myself that God is in control. All will happen in His own timing, and in His plans. 

It has been a hectic week, with grace coming down with stomach flu since Tuesday and joy with a sprained waist on Wednesday. I know william still has a bucket list of things to complete and the only thing I can help is to sleep and rest. I know, and I’m trying. But once every few days, insomnia hits me like a good friend, just like tonight. 

The room is peace and quiet, with joy and Vera. But my mind just wonders and wonders. It almost doze off for a while and then something will suddenly jolt me wide awake. 

I know I need to zzz early bcoz Tom is public holiday and I need all the rest or else I’ll start screaming at the girls again.. 

Thankful for this beautiful verse. Will go and try to zz again.

My favourite bible verses

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.2-4.niv

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:26-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.26-27.niv

These are my 2 most favourite bible verses and every time I’m out of options, I’ll go back to them and pray that God is with me, as He continues to mould me into a better person. 

Have been feeling emo emo recently and a friend reminded me that God will never give me more than I could handle. How true that is. How beautiful it is, to be reminded by angel-liked friends! 

Just gotten reminded to completely surrender to God, and that no extra ounce of fear would be able to change/help in any situation. 

Joy is going thru a phrase now, similar to what my sister went thru when I was expecting Joy. Looking at Joy now, reminds me of how Sharon didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy journey at all. She refused to carry Joy at birth and even when she became a toddler. As time passes, there were times when Joy asked me if her aunt hated her. Coz even the toddler her then, could sense it. I couldn’t understand and didn’t have the courage / wisdom to broach the topic. And now, I see history repeating itself again. Coincidentally both of them have the same dob and the same age gap. 

It got quite into me seeing Joy's indifferent attitude, that it was eating me alive. I wanted to confront her, yet I know that would only make things worse. I want to give her time and space to move forward, but would we eventually see light at the tunnel? What if, no amt of time and space would make her move forward? What is going thru her mind? Why is it that she can be so warm and enthuastic talking about her church/school life in one moment, and change to cold/indifferent immediately, when we asked if she would wanna come for the gynae check up? Would the twins become like that too when Baby J is finally here? 

Those questions bothered me for a few days, but I decided that enough was enough. I took a deep breath, and was reminded that our God is here, and He will never give me a task too big for me. I just need to focus my attention on Him, and everything will fall in place. Rather than be negatively affected by the teenager's attitude, I will believe that God will soften her heart in His perfect timing, and that each challenge is a lesson for us to learn something.

Yesterday was a fulfilling day. I went for a swim to burn some cny calories, did a FF via zoom, had a fruitful lunch with a colleague before meeting joy for the rest of the afternoon. 

It has become a mthly routine to spend the afternoon with her after sch, where she would go for her braces tightening and we would chat over coffee and cakes. Today was extended coz I needed to meet a client for a short appt at 5pm. So we had dinner before coming back. I thought I had spend a few good hrs with her, listening to her talk to me abt her world and the struggles she’s facing etc. I put on my listening ear, was careful not to pass any judgmental remarks, and just listened as a friend. As we head home on the bus, I asked her, her thoughts of us receiving a new family member. Bcoz I could sense that she wasn’t receptive, unlike her other 2 sisters who have started to embrace the fact and are actually looking forward to baby’s arrival. Her reply : “it’s the start of sleepless nights lo..” I was shocked. It was short, harsh and unkind. It felt that the whole world was about her. And this was after topping up her love tank! I didn’t say much bcoz I didn’t have the wisdom to handle it. I asked if she could look at it positively, like having a new addition also meant that we would most likely shift to a bigger place and she would b getting her much desired own room. I was desperate, as u can see. She shook her hand. Suddenly even her own space wasn’t enticing enough. 

It bothered me, coz among the 3 girls, I have to say that we spend the most time with her, always making sure that we cared abt her feelings when the twins came and even after that, we make deliberate efforts to spend one to one with her, but her comments made me realize that it seems it was never enough. It wasn’t enough despite that she alrdy had more attention than her single kid friends, or that her parents prioritise spending time with them over making more money. 

I told william abt it late at night. I felt disheartened that Joy was feeling so self entitled. I don’t know if it’s my fault that we are expecting baby J or it’s the kids of this generation. It seem like no amt of love was enough for her. And at that moment, I was feeling more guilty towards the twins coz they are often “compromised”. When we only had Joy, we travelled to so many countries, bringing her with us. When the twins came, the logistics and finances of bringing 3 young kids were too overwhelming that we either went to nearby countries and/or reduce the frequency of traveling. It was only the last 2 yrs before Covid that we started to travel more again. And with the latest addition, it probably meant that if we were to travel (again) for the company trips, it probably meant the 2 of us + baby J while the girls would b at home, fulfilling their sch requirements. 

It must be the hormones but I couldn't zz the whole night. Praying for wisdom for me to touch Joy, as well as God expand my heart, so that I could have enough LOVE for all 4 kids + my hubby.. hahah.. praying that the twins wouldn't have an advsere reaction when Baby J is here. The memory of Joy's reaction when the twins came is still raw in my mind. Probably make one to one session with the twins during the mar hols, and remembering that I need to spend time with them as well. God, grant me the time, the wisdom and patience to do it all.. in Jesus name i pray, amen!