Lying

 It’s been a long day for me. Long day at work, then came home and brought the kids for a swim. Had dinner then while doing spelling / 听写 with vera, I was just chatting w grace… 

Me: why is it that u don’t ever have spelling / 听写？

Grace : I don’t know. Oh mayb I have (and proceed to go take her book

Me: why is it that I don’t get to sign ur spelling / 听写？

Grace : dunno. Shrug her shoulder but her guilt all over her face.

Me: grace have u been lying to us all these while? 

Grace : proceeds to stomp into her room 

I bite my lips and took 3 long breaths. My immediate thoughts were actually “if wanna lie, why don’t lie forever? Why must let me discover?”  

This is the second big lie episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Recently found out that she has been sneaking the common hp into her room when we zzz and watching YouTube on it. We found out coz William saw her holding on to the hp middle of the night. And when I confronted her, she attempted to cover up by lying more 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

来了。Her lying stage has arrived. Joy phrase started at P1 and I was on standby mode when the twins were at that age but it didn’t happen. P2 came and still nothing happened. By P3, I thought mayb don’t have. Not even sure if they had or mayb they did lied but I wasn’t smart enough to discover. 

Bcoz it wasn’t my first time, I didn’t explode as bad. At least for grace first time. Mayb today i was tired, mayb bcoz it’s her second time and it’s back to back, I exploded. My heart broke. I did the wrong thing. I caned her in front of her sisters. She didn’t even retaliate. Just stood there and let me hit her. 😭😭😭

I know I let the anger took control. I shouldn’t have. 

We cried together after that. I apologised to her. Also told her how I used to lie too, and how her grandma would spank me big big time. She was shocked. Coz she felt that my mom and I are so close now. I told her that despite it all, I know grandma loved me. And now despite of what grace  has done today, I still love you. It’s like how God loves us, despite our shortcomings. And if she’s willing, we can work this out tog. 

We eventually kissed and make up. Mayb I hadn’t spend enough time with her this period of time. Mayb I was too engrossed with diffusing Vera’s bombs. 

Vera exploded subsequently, and by then I had no more energy / brain wave to handle it. Feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to cope, and at the same time wishing he could do more. He just asked if I could log out of the common iPad ; so that he can use his login. While vera was crying big big tears. I don’t know if it’s a man thing ; or has he regressed to being a child too? Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. It’s just difficult today. 

Validation

Took a week of break away from social media. I guess seeing all the posting from everywhere kinda cause me a lot of mums guilt; that I wasn’t doing enough for my kids. 

I’m not one who bring the kids to the outdoors every weekend. I’m not one who bring my kids for trial class. I’m not the one who does baking or craft work with them. I can’t even say I can confidently do solo parenting when William serves for church or his activities. And to be honest, seeing all the postings on all the capable mamas do so many many things for their kids kinda led me to have a lot of guilt. 

I know I have other abilities that I should be proud of. I know I know. And I know there are so many other things that I should give thanks to too. 

The one week fast did help me refocus myself with my kids. In fact, time became plenty when we take social media out of the picture. Suddenly I had time to notice the number of people eating at the hawker centre; or how much white hair William has currently; or the little details that I overlooked (bcoz I was so busy catching up on other people’s lives) 

Penning this down to remind myself that my validation should not be based on the number of likes / posts I get/do on my social media. My validation should be with my creator, God. I’m only accountable to Him and He knows what I need. He made me for a greater purpose and He makes no mistake. 

“The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬