New Findings

 I always believe that the truth will set one free. 

And today, while doing the dishes at 5am, (I didn’t need to but I just wanted to help William in the little things), I had another aha moment. 

I really don’t enjoy doing chores, not even the dishes. And I’m grateful that I get to choose to do something enjoyable like my work, every single day. I get to, it’s my choice. My freedom and at least I’m enjoying my work, not like some friends whom I know where work is stressful and no purpose and is stuck. 

The moment where I get to “escape” to work, is liberating. 

I get to empower people with financial knowledge. 

I get to empower my advisers with knowledge so that they are more confident facing their clients. 

I get to see their metamorphosis. Some faster than others. 

I get to hug my kids in the morning, and spend time with each of them. 

I get to travel overseas with my colleagues and family, mostly funded by company. People who know me, know how much I dread going on such trips. But it’s a privilege.

I get hugs from the little boy who can kiss and kiss me in the mornings for as long as I wanted, and as many times as I requested. Yes, the struggles of having a toddler is exhausting, but there are perks alongside with it. 

The word “get” changes one’s mindset. It shifts from being forced to do, to having a choice to do. Instead of saying “I have to work to pay bills”, say “I get to work bcoz it’s the only few things in life I enjoy doing, besides eating and cross-stitching”

“I get to hold meeting groups bcoz there are people who needs help”

Shall try to go back to zzz. It’s 6am now. Oh well.

Received this pot of flowers this morning during our company meeting. A colleague gave this to me for my birthday, together with a bday card that she hand-made.

I was so touched by what she wrote. It is a good reminder/affirmation. I’m thankful for this reminder. Coz just last week, I felt defeated and deflated, and wondered if what I was doing was changing things. 

And then when I read the book last week abt “get” vs “have to”, it changed my mind. 

And this morning, the gift was another affirmation.

Might seem trivial to some, but it means a lot to this emo kid (me). 

应该还是有做对一点点吧，所以才会得到这份温暖的阳光☀️

In fact, my emo “younger twin” dated me next week for a floral arrangement class! 

These are my babies whom we have grown so much closer in the last 11 mths.. and these are babies whom I’m waiting for one day, to 超越我。And when that happens, my job is complete. 

Thankful for the opportunity to guide them, to be their “mother” and to lead them. The best is yet to be. 

A heart of thankfulness

The helper has been back for 2 weeks++. And so far, it’s mere exhuastion + thankfulness. 

She is only coming back in another 2 more weeks coz I don’t know why we agree to a 1 mth break for her. lol.. this morning Joy was still saying that she misses our helper and that we shouldn’t have agreed on a 1 mth break. I told her we were afraid if we said 2 weeks she would just not renew her contract. Hahahha.. 

累是累可是 everyone has been helping out with some of the chores just so that papa Choo wouldn’t need to do as much. But when I said some, it’s really tiny some. Lol.. 

But I’m thankful that the girls and even Joash stepped up in helping. Breakfast w the girls this morning, and they were telling me some of the changes they have made. Eg, reusing their bath towels instead of changing everyday, and I hear them discussing abt re-wearing their sch uniforms (now that sch is going to start tomorrow), coz the turnover isn’t as quick as last time. I’m glad that the girls get to wear some of their less popular clothes bcoz of this too.. hahaha.. some clothes where they had forgotten they actually have, bcoz our helper turnover is T+1. 

Penning this down so that we can all laugh it over again in time to come. 

We had a big fight last night. What’s new right.. 要不甜蜜到死，要不吵架到两败俱伤。 

Context: the twins have been sick for a while. And vera just didn’t wan to eat any medicine anymore. She also whine a bit la.. and the uncle was frustrated with her for the whole entire day. I came home at abt 5pm and saw the pek chek uncle, who probably is only punishing himself and everyone else (except vera) with his black face. 

By bedtime I was getting frustrated coz clearly innocent family members shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. 

And he’s just been tekan by Vera for 1 single day.. oh come on! I’ve had it worse lo.. 🙄🙄🙄 

Coupled with a lack of sleep (coz he’s been doing night shifts for the last 1 week).. all acts up to be the perfect ingredients for a major explosion. 

And there wasn’t any conclusion after the fight. He says he’s tired and wanted to go to bed. I took the night shift again and woke up at 2am to settle the little man. And was wide awake all the way til 5am. 

And this is my Saturday. 

Life unfiltered. Life with lotsa ups and downs. But all shall pass, in time to come.

Update: woke up this morning and he seems to be better. Oh at least he tried to do the morning duty. 

Made me breakfast with some of the kitchen leftovers. 

After which we went to meet our friends at Jewel for lunch. 

My MVP

Been feeling easily irritated with Uncle Pig recently. It's like the little bit of things will be able to spark and turn into a forest fire.

Our recent JB trip almost U-turn coz on the trip there, he said something like "I thought you would have done xxx" & "I thought you meant withdrawing monies in Msia & not withdrawing in SG and bring them to change" which triggered me. 

My POV: 

1) Shouldn't you clarify?

2) Why didn't you remind me?

But of coz, if I had said that right at that moment, it would progress to a U-turn. No doubt.

And if we had really U-turn, I would have missed out on the surprise he planted!

What did I say such that I made my point, yet there wasn't an explosion? (Coz 我也不是好欺负的!)

I simply told him as a matter of fact, why and how I was offended by his choice of words, after he parked his car at the dim sum breakfast place. He nodded, and we went for breakfast. No WWIII

And then it happened again the following day. Same style. Same man. 

Scene: Zoo Excursion

Act 1: Asked him if he needed anything in the car & he said no need. Said I could bring an umbrella for myself if i wanted (if its too sunny / raining) .

I didn't coz I didn't know where the umbrella was.

Act 2: Starts drizzling halfway in the zoo

Me: Did you bring an umbrella for joash?

Him: I ask you to bring.

Triggered 了咯.. 他没有错可是他说的也不对.. I got slightly frustrated coz the zoo is an open space, and no raincoat/ umbrella means die liao..

Drizzle soon turned into heavy thunderstom.

This happened next. He just scooped Joash and ran, making sure I followed too. 

Just moments before, I was still angry with him. I laughed at my childish behaviour.

This is my man that doesn't always have the right words, but one who I can always rely on, in times of need/emergencies.

This is him bringing Joash to join the rest of the group after the rain finally stopped. I had to leave earlier to pick the twins up.

Ever so thankful for the MVP in my life. There is no perfect man in the world. But he is good enough for me. 谢谢你.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day to (me and) all the 伟大的妈妈! It’s so challenging to be a mama these days. A mama these days means wearing many hats - to be able to parent the children, work like one has no kids, be able to cook, do art and craft , provide tuition for the kids, and be put to scrutiny on social media for non impt people to judge and criticize! Anyway I’m on a social media fast for now (not sure how long it will last, but will enjoy this moment for now) as part of the “protecting myself” movement. Hahahaha.. I think it’s part of strengthening my own mental health and trying to protect my subconsciousness and time. Coz I know how much time is wasted scrolling through socials endlessly. 

Anyway today is not about that. It’s about being grateful for every single day of my life. I’m thankful for God who spoke to me in a vision 4yrs ago that He would give me a son. I didn’t believe it at that moment, although His voice was clear. I got pregnant shortly after and Joash was borne the following year. No one thought that we would have more kids, coz infertility has haunted us for yrs. And it’s  only possible becoz of God. He chose to bless us with this little boy who sometimes drive us crazy to the point that I had to remind myself that Joash is a gift from God. 

The Birth of Samuel

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.

Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the Lord Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the Lord. 

Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. Because the Lord had closed Hannah’s womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. 

Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Her husband Elkanah would say to her, “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?” 

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the Lord’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “Lord Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.” 

As she kept on praying to the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.” “

Not so, my Lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.” 

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 

She said, “May your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. 

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the Lord and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah made love to his wife Hannah, and the Lord remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, “Because I asked the Lord for him.””

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭1‬:‭1‬-‭20 

I remembered this was the msg preached then. I could totally relate to Hannah, who felt tormented by her infertility. In fact, this msg carried me for many seasons before we had the twins. When I heard it again 4yrs ago, it carried a very different feeling. I wasn't downcasted. I was thankful for the many blessings in my life. But I asked God, if He would give us our last kid, if He think that we would be up for it? And He said yes. And that was it. 

Thankful for the Lord, who never sends the wrong order but in His perfect Timing. 

Happy weekend my friends!

Protecting boundaries

Last week an adviser texted me and ask if she could meet me coz she’s drowning. The same problems that we all face as advisers - not enough appts, no one to meet, no cases to close, can’t handle the emotional rollercoaster of rejections and the list goes on. 

I said yes. Even though William said I should refer to her respective leaders. But I agreed anyway. 

Each time I meet her, I’ll end up feeling defeated. Coz she’s a lot more emo than me. And most certainly she knows how to press on all my insecurities etc.. Joleen says I should learn to say no. Coz I always end up exhausted and defeated. And I shouldn’t bring all these bad feelings home. And the thing is I can’t even rant to anyone besides her and William! 

Anyway this season is abt protecting myself and setting boundaries. Surprisingly learnt it from my new secretary who doesn’t reply my msgs once she leaves office. Work is done and dusted. lol.. we had a lot of cultural shock when she first joined. But I guess it’s a good thing. Coz if not for her, I think I will b overstepping into Joleen hrs 24/7 and I’ll also end up clearing my team’s cases at whatever timing. 

So the boundary has been a good thing. I just need to learn to up my level and say no to people who I can’t cope at this moment in time. 

只怪自己功力不够，让老娘在修炼500年在彼此切磋吧！

Till Death do us part?

I guess I’m really easily affected greatly by people who doesn’t even concerned me 🤣🤣🤣

Heard of the news that one of my fav YouTuber couple announced their divorce recently. I started watching them for quite a few yrs now. And even though they announced the news on April Fool’s, a lot of people thought it was meant to b a joke initially. 

Currently there’s no concrete reason for the divorce, though there are  lot of speculations / rumours going on. Said it was bcoz both of them lost a lot of weight, became more attractive now and one of them strayed. I mean, who knows right. What I do know, and one of the reasons i think affected me a lot more than I expected, is bcoz the wife had PCOS and they went thru a lot of infertility problems like what we experienced few yrs ago. They went thru IVF too, and that probably affected their relationship too. With the hormonal changes and stress etc. 

The kpo me went to watch a few videos that they made separately last yr and the tell tale signs were there. The eyes that had sadness, the missing spouse on their respective channels, melodramatic topics etc. 

Oh well, then after watching it, even more sad and I end up not sleeping til 3am! Haiz.. I don’t even dare tell Uncle abt it.. I just laid my hands over him and prayed that God watch over our marriage, that He will always be the centre of our relationship, our household and everything. 

I wished I’m not that easily/distracted by people that even are impt.. lol.. 

In other news, reading a new book now and I’m excited to see how it leads. To be updated again 

Me!

Swimming again coz I haven’t exercised at all this week! Swimming is my safe haven. I wished I could do it in the evening when it’s not that sunny. In time to come when my kids are older and more open to allow mama have her swimming without them. 

April has been quite slow for me. Have a lot of appts but not much closing. Our work is like farming. I guess this is the season of planting seeds and waiting. I can wait. I shall be patient. If this is the place that God plants me to be, He will show me His ways and plans for me. 

”Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.“

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭31‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬ 

Breakthrough

 

Going to shelve this ppt tonight coz I finally completed the sharing this morning! 🎉🥳🎊

I’m glad it’s finally over. No matter how badly or great I did. Hahahaha.. 

I know I’m well loved coz some of the colleagues texted me the night before or in the morning and send me their love and wishes.. hahahaha.. 

I even did a zoom trial a couple of days ago with 2 people so that they could give me some feedback. 

I definitely was less anxious  this time round compared to the last few rounds. 

I know this isn’t something that I could do it at the snap of my fingers. Not this topic. lol. But I’m glad that I did it nonetheless. In time to come, I know I can pat myself on my shoulders and say, “At least I’ve tried.” 

Wrote this before the start of the meeting to remind myself that it’s going to be fine! Hahahaha… 

I contemplated asking more people to switch on their cameras but I was also afraid that seeing them over the screen would send more fears to me or if I couldn’t cope managing the engagement. But I’m thankful for those who did. Hahahah.. thank you my lovely angela .. hahaha.. 

Thankful this has come to an end. Thankful that this was a zoom. Hahahah.. if only the lunch was nicer.. oh wells.. 

Overcoming

625am Wondering if I should get up and make myself ready for the 715 gym class. The struggle is real. William asked if I wanna sleep in, which I’m so tempted to. But if I do, my membership goes to waste. Which brings me to the next question. Should I cancel my membership? 

Gym or its classes have never been my thing. But I find classes easier coz as long as I pull thru the 1hr session, I’m done for the day. With my home gym, chances are I’ll just do cycling which sadly that doesn’t target the whole body. And I’m also afraid that once i cancel the membership, I’ll probably give up the home gym option in a couple of weeks max 

The other thing abt the membership is the companionship or people there. It’s a mixed experience. Some people are generally much nicer while others are clickish and judgmental. Mayb my choice of words are too strong. But sometimes I rage when they pass some comments. 

Honestly the reason why I’m doing gym still is bcoz I like the stamina it gives me. Sadly I hadn’t lose any fat / weight. I tend to overcompensate myself after each session and if the main objective is to just lose weight, I’m better off sticking to my cupping sessions. 

The next deduction is coming Monday. I should make a decision before that. Let’s see if I change my mind after the class. 

The truth will set you free

Today I felt free for the first time. I was not pressured by the need to bring the kids out over the weekend, or the need to prove anything. (I know many a times, it’s my mind at work). 

But today, I had the aha moment. That I am who I am. 

Yes there will always be more interesting mamas who does art and craft or baking with their kids, or mamas who bring their kids on outings every weekend or public holiday, or mama who simply provide the best gifts for her kids at bday parties. I’m not any of those. I’m just me. I tire easily when doing outdoors or play dates or just crowded places. I need naps like a baby. And I need my time away from my kids. 

And this is me - uniquely created by God. 

There isn’t a need to feel sorry for not being able to do it all. 

I felt a pat on my back when I finally realised it all. I felt enlightened.

I know it’s not much. And eventually the negative voice in me will start judging me in days to come. But at this moment, I just wanted to celebrate me - the free me. 

The one who allows the kids to watch tv so that she could take a break, the one who doesn’t do much revision w her kids or don’t even remember when their exams are. 

Life is too short to worry abt these. Let’s celebrate life. Celebrate this moment.

Reflections part 1

One of the first few days where I still look like me. 现在已经圆到不行了！

Trip has been good so far, even though there were some disappointments. My mom ghosted on me at the 11th hr. Said she caught a bad flu on the Monday just before I flew, so I told her to rest for the week and mayb help me with the kids, when she’s much better. 

Called her on Thursday (when I was already in Japan) to check how she is, only to realize she has booked a cruise to go on Fri and only back on Sunday. My mind went in a blur. I was disappointed, to say the very least. She said the cruise was only decided on Wednesday when she met her siblings, which made me even 😡. Well enough to meet them, but not well enough to help pick my kids. 

🫠🫠🫠

I cried after I ended the phone. Was I surprised? No actually. Coz this wasn’t the first time she just MIA on me. Was I angry and sad. Yes totally. In fact even now as I’m penning this, tears just streamed down on me. And it has been a few days since this has happened. 

I guess it’s not always grandmother instincts. Her grandkids aren’t as impt as her happening lifestyle. Or mayb I shouldn’t have made them so readily available to her. 

Anyway this trip isn’t abt her. So enough of the rant. 

This trip is abt celebrating our time together. Even when all things seem so difficult, at least we have each other 陪伴 to carry forward. 

I didn’t know that uncle was so stressed planning the trip. He wanted to tick all the sights/food/everything that he has planned. But we all know the thing abt going on a holiday is that - a lot of things are also subjected to Mother Nature. 

The Sakura blooming was delayed. We should have caught it on the last day when we were in Nagoya, but atlas, it rained the entire day! (See pic below)

It was pouring so heavily - using the umbrella for very practical reasons, not bcoz it’s kawaii. The camera man was drenched lo even though he had a kiddy umbrella. 

But nonetheless, even though we booked the best ryokan for 2 nights but all we could see is this:

It’s okie la.. what matters is being here with you. I think this is the longest time we have been together without any kids in a long while! 

Happy birthday my dearest 老公！I love you to the moon and back 

Me

The dreadful day came and left. The day where I’m scheduled for a training. This time round, I suggested doing a panel producer sharing, so that everyone could learn more abt 3 unique individuals which are so different in their ways of prospecting, but successful in their respective ways. I’m so thankful that they agreed to be my panelists, hahaha.. 

The days leading up to the event, I was feeling all over the place. Disheartened bcoz I felt that my FG was going nowhere. I felt that I was not doing enough to help them; felt that no matter how much I tried, it’s hard to dig their whys and encourage them to work. Their activities hardly move and I started to self doubt myself even more. The tipping point came when I was frustrated with another adviser, who did so badly in her paperwork, and had no urgency in rectifying or change it. And these are moments where it frustrates me to the max, when people simply don’t care. Then there was a relatively young adviser who decided to leave and join another firm. Maybe I hadn’t done enough, maybe I did too little too late. Or mayb I wasn’t meant to be a leader coz a leader shouldn’t be feeling all emotional abt so many things, even for a mini scale presentation. 

Anyway I’m glad that it’s all over.  The panel sharing turned out much better than I expected. I just need to work on my nerves and emotions. This is going to be a regular event, doing trainings and everything. And if every little single event is going to make me binge eat and emo, then I’m so dead!

Made Joash zzz last night and I teared when it was time to leave for the airport. 

I’m such a mess. 一直在装牛角尖. On one hand feeling all guilty over dumping the kids , on another hand wishing to go on another short couple trip to bkk! Aiyo… lena ah lena.. 你在做什么！？好啦。要珍惜这一次的二人世界。要活在当下。感恩

Living on Borrowed Times

We celebrated the love of my life few days ago. It was a simple bday celebration. Instead of going to a fancy restaurant, the bday boy suggested going to a zicha place for lunch so that we could have a nice lunch without burning a hole in my pocket. I guess as we age, birthdays are days we are thankful to still be around. 

Uncle Choo is 53 this yr. I’m thankful that he’s still healthy, with early signs of aging. At the same time, I’m fearful for the day when he leaves me. I know it’s morbid but it’s precisely we are living on borrowed time that makes each day precious. He says no one is indispensable and eventually we will all learn to cope. 可是说的到容易。也不是说了就放得下。

Documenting our lives together so that when the time come, there will be enough for us to hold on to. 

感恩我们一起走过的一切。