RD - Updates

After replying "no medicine allergies" and telling everyone >100 times tat " I'm pregnant" , the op finally ended and I was discharged. 

Had wanted to do this earlier but couldn't coz the hurting eye made it difficult to open the right eye as well. I was literally a blind bat walking with my two eyes close around the house with Joy as my walking stick. 

The op was successful (Thank God and all who prayed for me!), although I also died in the operating theatre. Being pregnant means tat instead of being on GA , I was on LA (local anaesthesia ) which means tat I was conscious of the work they were doing on me throughout the procedure! Midway through the op, I reminded asking the doc several times if we were done? And each time he would say "juz a while longer my dear and it would be perfect and u would be able to go to HK !" Haha.. He remembered abt my trip! So nice of him even though I was no longer keen on anything except going home to c my Joy or visiting the gynae to make sure the twins are fine. 

Nevertheless I'm glad tat everything is okie now. Would hv to visit again early Tom morning for a review. Hopefully everything is really okie and there's no complications. After this ordeal, I seriously hope tat I don't need to do any ops on my eyes any further. Super respect those tat went to do LASIK to correct their vision. How do they manage to keep their sanity?? Haha.. Anyway, I'm juz glad tt I happen to chop off my hair y'day prior to seeing the doc. It's so much easier to maintain ! Maybe God has told my hairstylist to chop it real short.. Haha.. 

Okie gotten stop now coz Little Joy says I shldnt be looking at my iPhone too much! Such a sweet girl right! A thankful me to end 2011 and a great start to 2012! Once again thank u for praying! 

Retinal Detachment

B
On Monday, while shopping at Ikea, I realised tat there were some problems with my eyesight. It seems tat everything via my left eye (upwards) were blur . I thought it could be the use of old glasses with the wrong degree. Nevertheless, Uncle Pig insisted tat we go for a check with my regular optician for a piece of mind. 

After procrastinating for a few days, I finally met the optician, Hazel, on thur. She went thru the screening very detailedly with me and suggested going to the hospital for a more precise check. The appt was for the following day. Despite my pleas to do it after our Hk trip, Hazel and uncle pig felt tat there was a need to do it now. 

Went to c the doc on fri, 2pm at SNEC. I had wanted to do it with the private hospital knowing tat I have medical insurance which I can claim from if the bill were to soar upwards. But being the typical Uncle Pig, both him and Hazel suggested seeking treatment at SNEC since it was a specialize centre for the eye. I could always do a second consultation after tat if my experience with the former was undesirable. Anyway in order to skip the waiting time, I went in as a private patient. 

At the clinic, they did a lot of tests and finally concluded tat I had Retinal Detachment. Gasp! So what did it mean? It mean tat the retina on my left eye was detached and there was an immediate emergency to do the op now! Now?? Yes, now.. Huh? But I'm pregnant!! Can't it wait till may? Or next week? It's new year eve and I don't wanna cross the year in the hospital! Plus I have a gathering tomorrow at my place, a trip next week and many many things.. Can't we wait? How abt seeking another opinion? Anyway due to the seriousness of the detachment , the doc says we can't wait, not even till next week. He did however , allow the op to be postponed to saturday (new yr eve) early morning as I had juz taken some food an hr ago. Fasting was required prior to the op and I would be on local anaesthesia. There are risks for all ops and esp since I'm pregnant. By this time I was sobbing hard, blaming myself for causing this and maybe hurting my twins indirectly. By this time, I was also the last patient around. The whole hospital seems to have closed except for a few nurses still attending to me. I was comforted tat they were really very nice, assuring and comforting. I didn't feel like i was in a govt hospital and the care while there is very good. 

Anyway it's fixed. Op is on sat, 10am.. News started to sink in after we left the hospital and I think my tap didn't really stop even through the night. It was the thought of maybe hurting my twins tat was tormenting me and juz before I zz, I pray again. 

Right now , I'm back at the hospital for my op. I told J in the early morning requesting her for a prayer and was shocked to receive her reply. Her words comforted me and juz as I thought my tap has run dry, the final drops came dripping down again. But i did feel better talking to her and I guess, we juz have to leave it to God, and his workers to do the work. 

Going to be pushed in soon.. Praying tat everything will be smooth and there would be no complications. Pls direct all calls/SMS to uncle pig.. Love ya and happy new year to everyone!

30.12.2011

Today I sent uncle pig to his office; most probably one of the final times. His fridges, ovens, racks and all equipment will be sold back to his supplier.

As I see him doing his final packing, and the workers slowly pushing away his equipment piece by piece, emotions overwhelmed me and tears started to stream down my cheeks. This is a place that he has spent his last 15mths doing his art, his passion and now everything will come to an end.  It's an ironic tat I used to complain tat Haven Bakery takes time away from us but now even I'm so affected. Haiz..

Nevertheless, I thank God for giving us this place, the opportunity to create our dream for these 15mths. It's indeed an experience tat few can say have done it. Although its with great pity tat we have to close today, I'm still grateful for this chance tt God has given us.

I know we will be back again and when we come back, it will be in a greater scale.

Reflections 2011

Woke up at 5am today and simply can't fall asleep.. And since I can't zz, I thought I might as well do some reflections as this yr comes to a close. 

2011 has been an exciting year for me. It has seen many highs and lows of my life. The highs: 
1) Adoption
- in 2011, I became open to the idea of adoption, something tat I don't tink I would b comfortable in previously. 

2) embarking on my IVF
- in July, at the spur of the moment, I suggested to do IVF to uncle pig. It seem a daunting task even at the start of it. The struggles and pains of it, with no certainties of any results.  
- I often compared TTC to taking exams in school. Being a hardworking student in the past, I always try my best and do ok-well in my grades. But it seems tt nothing of all those prepared me for this route. It didn't mean tat getting married earlier equates to more children or starting early = easy conception. No! I realise tat even though back in sch, I could have a direct control on my grades, I couldn't control the results of my TTC journey. It's not as if I put in an ounce of hard work, I will know with certainty tat I will see the results. I had to complete surrender it to Him - something I learn hard this year. Complete surrender to the Lord. It's hard and really easier said than done. But looking back, I know I wouldn't have made it without God. Everything could have gone wrong, but it didn't. In fact , the process was smoother than we could ever imagine. 

3) Joy
- She has been more than a helper than a child, especially since we embarked on our IVF journey. I seriously believe tat God sent her here to take care of me and to love me. She has always been an easy baby since birth, and now as a 4-yr old, she takes care of me, reminds me to take my supplements, wear my shoes for me and many many things.. She's more like a sister to me, than my daughter. Many friends have asked if she would be jealous with the arrival of the twins or if we have prepared the "gift" for her (telling her its from the twins).. My response was no, we didnt need to get such gifts. Coz she's ever so looking forward to it, praying now for the safe arrival of the twins and eagerly sharing this news with her friends! Indeed I am blessed to have her. God I thank You for sending her to me, and I pray tat she continue to grow under Yr wings, to know more abt You and also share her love with others. 

The Lows: 
1) Not working as hard as I would like to
- looking back, I didn't work much for this year. I would want to do more next year, and it's because I really enjoy my work. Yes, in fact I do . ( surprisingly ) It gives me confidence and control and satisfaction when the client appreciates yr planning. It is the ONE thing tat I know how to do and to do it well. God, I pray tat You help me in my work, help me help these people, and bless me with the people who needs me. Help me provide for my family as more expenses will be coming next year. God, You know our finances, and I know tat all these are provided by You. I pray that You continue to see us thru, help us pay our bills and most importantly , help us be a light to others so tat they too can know abt You.

2) Closing the bakery
In a few days time, we will be closing the bakery. Right now, we are in the midst of packing the equipment and throwing away all those tat we can't bring back. It's a pity tat he has to give up this biz. It's a pity tat even though our original plan was to continue baking back home, looking at his current arrangements, this too has been shelved due to lack of space at home. I'm still hoping for a miracle tat someone comes in a shining amour and take over the existing lease. We have 3 more days. =)

It's been 3 hrs since I'm awake and the zz monster is here again.. Shall stop here for now

Reflections on Christmas Day

During dinner, I asked Uncle Pig if he would like to try for another 'boy' after the arrival of our twins. And his reply was " why would I do that? God gave me 3 children and I'm more than satisfied"  
It warmed my heart and I strongly agree with him. Having gone thru a few years of infertile attempts, to the extent of never dreaming tat we would ever have another one, the thought tat we are richly blessed with the coming arrival of not one but two wonderful gifts from G0d, is something tat i wouldn't dare dream in the past. 
A lot of our friends initial first response upon hearing tat we are having 2 princesses was tat now I can finally pass all of Joy's clothes and baby stuff to her, which I explained to them tat we would need to buy most of it , if not all. Tat was because we had passed on to our friends after keeping it for several yrs. it was an infertile decision @ work, something tat I had almost forgotten but reminded again. We chose to give away all the stuff then, because the mere keeping of them would trigger hopes, anticipations, then disappointments and disappointments and the cycle spirals from there. I remembered telling uncle pig then, tat if I were ever pregnant, I would be more than happy to start our shopping again and this time with more enthuasium. And if I were not, at least I wouldn't be too disappointed.. This feeling of not even daring to hope - is something I've almost forgotten . And I'm always reminded of God's goodness to me and my family, how He rescued us from the deepest valleys and put joy into our lives again. 
Right now, I juz wanna pray for the smooth delivery of my beloved twins, tat God u protect them while they r in my womb,U and U protect them and bless them with good health and wisdom when they are here. God I also pray for my friends who are trying to have kids, tat You warm the womb, so tat it's desirable to conceive. Lord I pray tat You give them patience as You make Yr plans in the most perfect timing for them. I know it's easier than said to have faith in You, but Lord, I pray that you send an angel to them today to let them know tat they are not forgotten. Sometimes when the night seems so dark with no signs of daylight, a word / sign/ voice / anything from You gives the weak courage to dream, courage to believe.. In Jesus name I pray - amen 

Gynae's Visit

Went to the gynae today with Joy and Uncle Pig for our scan. Sitting at the ever familiar couch, it just seemed yesterday when we were going for our first consultation and right now, we are already mid-way towards our pregnancy. How a span of 6mths would have changed our lives so much, unexpectedly. It just seem recently, when I was trying to come to terms with myself of not being able to conceive again, and even now, everyday, I would wonder if the twins heartbeat would continue beating? I would not be able to sleep the night before the gynae's appt, for fear that I might get a rude shock during the scan. I was and is still afraid that I might not be able to carry them to full term. But the bible says :

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.
- Deuteronomy 31:6

I try to always remember that God is with us, and no matter what circumstances, we will just have to hold on to Him, for He is ever so faithful.

Anyway, during the scan, everything's okie. It should be two girls, which is fine. We even saw one of the twins do a headstand! Amazing! Its the active one who's always jumping around during all our scans, while the other one is always sleeping. The worrying part for both of us is that the sleepy one is always inactive..and I'm not sure if that by itself is a cause for concern. Uncle Pig and I are worried that the inactive one might be the one with the special needs, but if it really is, then God grant us the logistics and patience to guide the 3 kids la..

My first day as a full time mama

Joy came down with flu early this morning. Despite waking up at 7am, she continued to zz after her milk feed. Uncle pig allowed her to zz for another hr before attempting to wake her up again. The plan was to still bring her to sch as he has a heavy baking schedule for the next few days. But I didn't have the heart to wake her up. And unlike the usual mild flus tat she always had, this seemed a little stronger, even on the 2nd day. So I suggested tat Uncle Pig head for work while I will bring her to c the PD later n most likely take her for the whole day. 

He was pretty worried for me coz I don't usually cope well with kids. Not tat I dislike them, it's juz tat I always feel stressed as to how to entertain them for the entire day. Yes, it sounds pretty weird right? Tat even though Joy is such an easy child, I will be afraid too.. And even though Joy's 4 yrs old, I've never took care of her for the entire day. Yes, the entire day! I don't know wat sounds more scary; having nv really taken care of her in the past 4 yrs by myself (blush blush) ; or spending the next 20 over hrs w her alone,with no lifelines..  I've brought joy out, with friends and their kids, or even shopping alone w her.. But those r events tat r planned, and I juz needed to execute them. But this morning, I juz wanted her to rest. 

The morning went by pretty easily. We went to the PD and the plan was to have lunch after tat with my mom, followed by a nap back home. I managed to reschedule my appts too so tat I didn't have to rush to the appts w her although Joy would love to go with me and I do bring her along, for some of the clients I'm closer to. 

After we reached home, I quickly fed her med, change her and prepare for nap. Yes, NAP! A pretty daunting task for me coz I've never made her zz for ages and she seldom take naps nowadays even in sch.. And I manage to make her zz! Despite the fact tt she made many many visits to the toilet, some fussing here n there , she's sleeping soundly now as I'm completing this entry. 

It's satisfying tat things could b tat easy, and not as daunting as I've imagined. Proud of myself, even though I know this is just a normal routine for some of my SAHM friends.. Hehe.. Wondering y did I take so long to do this.. 

Shall stop here n go back to zz w her and when she's awake, we shall go for dinner before meeting uncle pig! It really is simple yeah.. I love myself today.. Haha

A day by the pool...

Today while at the pool, we met with a special needs child, who is in her 20s. She was at the slide pool where joy and some of the older kids were queuing for their turns at the slide. She seem happy, like a child, not caught up with the troubles of the world. When I looked at her, I asked myself if we had the capacity n heart to take care of a special needs child. It was not without hesitation. Looking at her, I wonder deeply if we were able to take care of her as if our child would always be in her early stage. Its as if Joy would remain as a 4 year old year even when she grows older. Would we have the patience to take care of her then? Would we have the humility to accept Joy for who she is, and to be proud of her when she accomplishes her own milestones completely different from her peers? I asked myself many What Ifs? as thou it has been cast in stone because I wanted to be as prepared as I am, although I know no matter wat, we won't be 100% prepared if it really happens. Being in my occupation, I also thought of setting a trust fund for the special child n we would hv to teach Joy over the years, that taking care of the child and loving her, would be of primary importance. Joy could be the legal guardian when William n I are no longer around. It was not a case of a decision that involves juz William & I , but it would includes Joy as well. I wanted to think of all possible scenarios because I didn't want our decision to be based on spitefulness or pressure, but because we have thought long and hard of it. I know for once, my mom 's reaction would be tat all these was due to IVF n it won't hv happened if we didn't explore this route. Was I prepared to accept all these groundless accusations? Not that they will form the root of the decision-making, but they will be there. And if I wanted to still go ahead, I must be prepared to face all these and much more. 
Looking at Joy, I wondered if it would be fair for her too, to have such a huge responsibility. I'm glad tat God gave me William & Joy so tat they r able to take care of me, and the twins. I know with them, I didn't need worry abt almost anything else. And if this is really in God's plans, then I will own it too. 

15 weeks update

It's been a looong time since i did an update of my pregnancy... haha...anyway, I'm now at my week 15! Fast fast..but wished that it could have been faster. Officially in my honeymoon trimester but I'm not sure if it's because I'm older now, or isit because it's twins that's making me super tired. I'm tired ALL the time...anyway, below is a quick summary:

1) Backaches
- Yes, they are here... it's been bearable when I was having Joy, until the last trimester but right now, I'm already feeling the effects of a backache. Uncle pig suggested getting a back support, which I think we will get it when we go shopping soon... that's when I'm not so tired..haha... and because they (backaches) are here so early, I doubt I will be able to go Vegas in Mar... yes, I think we will forget about that trip, much as I was hoping to still make it, but because yesterday's backache was so bad that travelling to anywhere just seem unbearable as of now. Even told Uncle Pig if its possible that we don't travel at all.

2) Appetite
- Hmm, the morning sickness are gone, but my appetite is still small..or at least i feel tat they are small..haha... but hunger pangs come as quickly as they leave. I'm hoping to continue to remember to take frequent small meals, although my meals been pretty eractic the last week.

3) Twins
- We saw the gynae last week, it's basically to update us the results.. We told him that we were not comfortable with any further testings and will only be doing the basic required mthly scanning if possible. He took it quite well, so I'm looking forward to our next scan in Dec. Didnt see the twins this time round, cause gynae felt tat it was still quite near the last scan and thus not really necessary.

4) Weight
- I'm currently at the same weight as my pre-pregnancy weight, which is good. I guess I wanted to at least maintain it as much as possible.

5) Supplements
- now that we are at our 2nd trimester, gynae did suggest some supplements. The usual ones like fish oil, calcium tablets, multi-vitamins and iron pills. The iron pills were blocked cause one of the side effects was constipation, and I'm already quite constipated now, with the pregnancy.. So good and bad, I get a pill lesser but I need to do a blood test later the pregnancy, to make sure my iron is sufficient. For the rest of them, I took them on the first day and they are still sitting on my dinning table. They are all big tablets! So I'm gonna eat "healthier food" for now, and hopefully, I will go to those supplements once a while so that that's sufficient.
- i feel guilty that I'm not eating them, but they are kinda big, and much as I love my twins and appreciative of this pregnancy, I really doesnt wanna antagonize myself further

6) Body Heat
- this is another factor that's preventing me from travelling. I think I'm on a high temperature ALL the time too. HOT HOT HOT... haha..

okie, that's all for now bah.. Uncle Pig's back with breakfast.

Another Prayer

昨晚看到他因为周末的订单而累垮了，心里很心疼。我们虽然在周末得到非常好的业集，可是这也代表他每晚只睡不超过四小时。我安慰他说忙完xmas就可以休息了。他叹气说：＂是的，真可惜啊。。。＂

看到他难过，我也不好受。不是我一定要把店关掉，I'm open to maintaining the bakery too.可是他觉得＂the one who can earn more should go out n work, while the other shld stay at home."
因为周末订单虽然多，可是严格说起来，赚到的钱也不是很多，可是那个时间和energy used 是不少的。一方面我觉得把店关闭非常可惜，另一方面我不想他为了赚这一点点，把自己累垮了。这就不值得了。而且如果他继续做的话，我就不能在星期五晚上或星期六工作因为一定要有一个人照顾孩子们才行啊!

因为这件事让我非常苦恼。很想做个支持他背后的女人，可是bread & butter issues 也一样重要。

Nevertheless God says to pray in all situations and seek Him.

Lord, grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
-Amen

Sometimes God answers faster than we expect

Was mulling abt Uncle Pig's remaining lease @ Fortune Centre. Even though we had informed our property agent back in Oct abt our intention to end the lease by the end of the yr, she has not started arranging for any viewings and our occasional checking with her was often met with snubs saying tat premature termination will result in us paying the penalties.. Blah blah blah.. 

It was not juz finding a prospective tenant tat was frustrating, but the heartache of giving up the shop; the Reno we painstakingly did; the many machinery and equipment and cabinets we bought for the shop and deep down in my heart, I knew tat we can't possibly carry all of it back to our house.

Tat was when a MSG from an ex-colleague came.. She has a friend who is looking for a baking kitchen, and would like to check if we would like to give up the shop! Gasp! Praise the Lord! Coz it would definitely be more worthwhile if we can transfer the lease with the current equipment to a prospective baker rather than selling individual pieces back to our supplier.. After passing our contact to my friend late last night, the prospective person called early this morning wanting to do a viewing today! Double Gasp! So urgent! So timely! So happy that this person came along.. 

The viewing was okie, the person "A" was also a home baker n wanted to get a small shop bcoz of the NEA licensing. Haha.. Sound so familiar.. Anyway we told her as much info as she needed and right now, I juz wanna pray to God for yr directions. 

Dear Father in Heaven, 
Thank you for dropping this contact to us. Lord, I pray to u right now tat you open this door to "A" if this is the right person to take over. Lord, if this is not the right person, I pray tat you close this door and let "A" find another more suitable place. Lord, we pray for yr guidance & directions.. Tat we wait patiently for the right person, in Jesus name I pray, amen 

Where shall we go?

Thought that it might be a gd idea to travel for the final time before I deliver, for fear tat we might not be able to afford the time subsequently. Thus we started to source for a place, maybe to spend Xmas since uncle pig will be working till Xmas eve usually. Below are some of our options:

1) HK
- cheap air ticket promo , exp accommodations but affordable food. Overall an inexpensive trip, only thing is that we've been to HK for so many times tat it didn't really seem like a holiday

2) NZ
- air tickets r full till mid jan, so it's out. Otherwise it would hv been a viable option, remincising our honeymoon with gd amt of shopping. 

3) Australia
- okie priced air tickets and accom, exp exchange rate, with gd shopping. Only disadvantage is tat my Aussie fren is dissuading me from going coz she feels tat the heat will most likely kill me..

4) Hokkaido with J & family
- thought it might be a gd idea to tag along w J & her family to Hokkaido since they hv planned for most of the trip and since they also have a young kid, I'm sure the itinerary will be pretty child friendly too. Plus the kids were love each others' company.. 
- weather is extremely cold, expensive trip, and Japan doesn't hv much shopping coz everything's so exp! 

5) Vegas
- actually qualified for 3 tickets to VegAs but its in Mar when I'm abt 30 weeks preg.. Theoretically approved for flying but I'm afraid tat I might b too big to enjoy. 

Looking at the above options or the lack of options due to the many constraints, we decide to shelf the holiday to Feb.. Coz hopefully by Feb, I would hv a better estimate of my mobility n if it's really not possible to go Vegas, we can always do a relaxing trip at Club Med then.. Set! =)

A little prayer

An acquaintance of mine, whom I knew since young, recently embarked on her IVF journey. Like me, she was a PCOS who has tried ovulation pills, many rounds of IUIs and finally decided to do IVF in sept. I don't know her well personally but we always bump into each other at our common friends' gatherings.

It was also because my common friend knew tat I had also recently did my IVF tat she decided to be the "middleman adviser" to her. I gave her advice on the food to avoid at the start of the cycle, the symptoms one would experience at every phase, rejoice with her when she did her egg retrieval and finally consoled her when the results were not as expected. My heart cried out for her too, for someone whom I distantly knew, of her struggles of conceiving a child, of her sufferings she has gone thru & the possibilities of giving it another shot at it.. 

It also made me so thankful that God has granted me so much, so full to the brim where there's nothing I ask for now, fully contented and reminded again that twins is not because of IVF but because God made it possible..

I pray right now for this friend of mine, tat she overcome her grief, tat she look to you, Lord, and seek you. I pray tt Lord U continue to guide her path, comfort her and Lord, I pray tat You grant her desire, her deepest desire, which is to conceive a child. Lord, I pray tat You breathe life into her womb, tat You create the miracle in her life and when everything seems so impossible , You make it possible. Because You are the Creator and You love us more than anyone else. In Jesus name, I pray - Amen

Gynae's call..

Gynae called today.. I think to announce to me the results of my OSCAR scan, which I did a few days ago.. Basically it's a probability test to see the odds of the babies getting Down syndrome n other genetic disorders. I deliberated a long time before going. Firstly because I didn't do it for Joy back then. Secondly, because it wouldn't matter to me (I feel) if my child had it or not because ultimately its my child and God's gift for us & God's gift is always perfect. Thirdly,  of its high degree of probables, the result will only show if one has a higher chance or not n it didn't seem worthwhile to have needless worries over a test result tat might not be accurate in the first place. 

Having said tat, we went ahead with it because firstly, gynae says its his usual practice for ALL his patients & secondly, uncle pig feels tat we shld listen to the gynae. 

Well, the result is this.. One of the twins have an odd of 1:500 while the other has an odd of 1:168.. Gynae thus begin saying tat we shld do even more detailed scans at week 16 & 20, to know more.. Coz he's concerned abt the chances of being the one out of 168, despite the many times I've told him tat it won't have mattered to our recourse.. 

My heart sank, not because of the statistics but because I went ahead for this test, despite the Many reasons why I shouldn't do a test like this.. I took a moment to recompose myself before calling uncle pig to tell him the news. Both of us agreed tat we r not going to do any further tests, as it seem pretty meaningless , at least to us. I was glad that he agreed with me this time. I had peace in my heart and yes, I'm prepared to accept whatever plans God has in place for us. I thought for a long time before composing this. I asked myself if we had the capacity to take care of a special needs child, and I can tell u.. I don't know.. But what I know is this: God have plans for us and whatever challenges we face , He is with Us. He will create the environment with all the help we need and He is with us. In good times and in bad times, He is with us. I'm prepared, if this is in His plans, then Lord, I pray that you guide us along. Let us continue to share with others your goodness, and be the testimony of Your Kingdom... 

It's amazing how at peace I am and I'm thankful for tat. - amen 

Stretchmarks

Yes they r here.. In full force I think.. Ahhhhhh!!! Stretchmarks! Kinda early I thought , although I have a couple of friends who have advised me to start applying on the cream a few weeks ago. But being the big procrastinator, n always feeling tt my belly is big enough, I thought I could wait a while longer.. Haiz.. Guess I'm going to b a 丑妈妈 le.. The thought of Kate Gosselin's belly after giving birth to sextuplets kept ringing in my mind.. Of course she later went on to do a minor plastic surgery but I know uncle pig would never allow tat on me.. He says he loves me for whom I am n it ain't changing regardless if I hv a belly full of stretches.. Aww... Sweet right? But tat also means saying bye bye to a lot of things like bikinis (not tat I still wear them but having the option to is always gd), and belly dances? Haha.. I guess I'm thinking too much.. Time to hit my books to prepare for my major exam tomorrow! 

Babies Checklist

I've been wanting to come up with a bb checklist, to list down the things we need to get before the twins r here.. So below are them & our progress.. Of coz not all are necessary.. Still contemplating if we should get those optional ones & if they will really b useful..
 
Bb checklist:

ü  Twin pram (gotten them today, at a HUGE discount..saw them a couple of weeks ago at $500+ and now they are further discounted to $399.. yesh, i know its kinda early... but since we are free...haha...)

ü  Cot & accessories (bought together with the pram)

ü  Infant Car Seat (borrowing from friends)

ü  Breast Pump (existing)

ü  Bean Pillows

ü  Bb Monitor

Pending/ Optional:

Ø  Bouncing chair

Ø  Nursing pillow

Ø  Nursing cover/shawl

Ø  Sterilizer

Ø  Swaddling blankets

Ø  Sleeping bags

Ø  Bb clothes

Ø  Bb monitor

Ø  Infant shower tub

Ø  Handkerchiefs

Ø  Changing table

I think that's all for now.. it didnt seem many actually.. although I did remember that we spend a fortune buying Joy's stuff previously. Maybe cause now we have more friends who have kids, and thus the twins would have more hand-me-downs.. yipee!

Looking forward to the long holiday with my CG at Melaka.. although I'll be bring my exam notes to mug there.. haha...

Birthday parties

You know when age is catching up with you when the bday parties tat u attend nowadays are yr children's friends instead of yr own... Haha...  

But I think all of us had an enjoyable but tiring time..
Had a good conversation with some of joy's classmates while we were there & one of the mummies, mummy C was telling me how excited her child is & yearns for another sibling.. My heart goes out to her & I shared with her abt our struggles too; like how Joy would pray for a meimei almost everyday, how every mth of trying seems futile, & now tat I'm pregnant, she seems to be updating her classmates everyday on how we are coping! Tat was also the reason how mummy C learnt tat I was pregnant.. I also shared with her how Joy was a miracle sent by God to "page" us back to His Kingdom coz unlike most couples, we didn't meet with any challenges conceiving her. She was amazed coz she herself had a hard time conceiving her child & her pregnancy was often fraught with instabilities. Thus they kinda decided not to try for another one but the deep yearning of her child for a younger sibling is so strong tat it may seem hard to refuse.. Coz I think all parents love their kids & want them to be happy. I also shared abt our IVF experience; and she was shocked tat we took the courage to embark on this route. Similar to my initial concerns, she too had thought it would b painful and 辛苦 and costly.. I think a lot of people has tat conception based on friends' friends experience or hearsay. I too thought so before and thus powdered on a gd 9mths before deciding on it. I shared with her my IVF experience, and how God continued to work his miracles around us.. I wouldn't say tat it's an entire painless journey, but it was made less painful because of God. Because God loves us. 

After the party, I was shocked myself by how much I've shared to a stranger I hardly know, but I know God muz have created this meeting for both of us. I won't say tat I'm an advocate for IVF but I hope tat thru my small efforts, people will know more of my first hand experience and not based on hearsays thus closing this choice off completely. I also felt tat God wants me to share my story with others, my struggles over the years; how i took this step & how He showed his goodness by protecting us and showering His blessings upon this household, tat He is the Creator and nothing is impossible coz He is God. 

10 Weeks Update

Went for my routine check up at the gynae early this morning, together with Little Joy & Uncle Pig... Joy was particularly in her good moods and superly excited coz she will be seeing her little siblings today. Gynae says everything is very good, the twins are approximately the same size, at about 3 cm each & very active, which is good. Thus explaining why I feel lethargic ALL the time. Today's scan is a little different, coz we managed to see the little hands and feet, and everything! Kinda surprising although Uncle Pig says it's common that they are developed at week 10... (showing off that he keeps track of the fetel growth at Baby Center)

Anyway, it's emotional, to see that they are growing well inside me. I pray that God, you protect them, and you let us have a smooth 7 mths ahead of us. I pray that we will be able to see the little ones in May, healthy, and good, and a testimonial of yr goodness... Thank you Lord! - Amen

Can you see the two twins side by side? Haha..this is the best scan that the gynae could give us for now..but more will be coming, in the mths to come..

A Little Emo

Had nothing to do while uncle pig was replying his emails.. Was feeling kinda emo n still worried after hearing abt my fren's loss.. Started to read up on stuff n thought maybe I should update my blog.. And stumbled onto my older entries.. Entries on how we started on our IVF decisions, the beginnings of our injections, blood test etc.. But what struck me most was that I did vision abt my twins even before we started this. Yes, yes! It kinda shocked me & of course I had obviously forgotten abt it.. And when I told uncle pig abt my findings, he said he knows ah.. Coz I had told him abt it before , a long long time ago. I did rem telling him tat many yrs ago, but what I had meant then was a natural twin (coz my mom was a twin & genetically I had higher chances ) not an IVF twin.. But anyway that's not impt la..

Tears streamed down as I'm reminded again by God's goodness & to count every little blessing. Yes, count my blessings.. Yes God, I know la... I'm grateful for all & I am reminded again to have faith in you & to trust you. Yes I will do tt n not let my thoughts run wild. Hopefully I can repeat it tomorrow n the day after. But that is for tomorrow to worry for...

A little Prayer

Juz received news tt a Christian mummy I known from forum has lost her child at 12 weeks.. It made me sad & often wonder why did God give a wonderful gift & yet take it away before it was due? If that was the case, won't it b better tat there was no pregnancy in the first place? As in infertility is already a big challenge on its own, infertility followed by miscarriage is even worse..
At the same time I'm reminded tat God always has the bigger picture in mind for us, and His plans will always be for the overall gd for us. Much as we don't understand why things happen the way it is, the most we can do is to turn to God, and seek him. In all times, pray for peace, .....
Here's praying to the mummy that she recovers from this soon to be able to pick herself up again..

Consolation Prayer

Father of all mercies and God of all consolation,
you pursue us with untiring love
and dispel the shadow of death
with the bright dawn of life.
Give courage to this family in their loss and sorrow.
Be their refuge and strength, O Lord,
reassure them of your continuing love
and lift them from the depths of grief
into the peace and light of your presence.
Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ,
by dying has destroyed our death,
and by rising, restored our life.
Your Holy Spirit, our comforter,
speaks for us in groans too deep for words.
Come alongside your people,
remind them of your eternal presence
and give them your comfort and strength.
All Amen.

9 weeks update

I don't know wats happening but been feeling nausea these few days n ultra lethargic.. But the frustrating thing is tt I can zz easily in the day time but not in the evening . I'm afraid tt when the twins come they too will hv this inverted way of zz which would make everything so difficult.
The other thing is my emo is super extreme. Losing my temper at uncle pig at the tiniest issue.. Sometimes I pity him, always serving me to the best he can n not flaring up at all..  I really appreciate it & it's not like I don't treasure this pregnancy . I do, that's y sometimes I'm so angry w myself, for not being able to calm down n b positive . Of coz, some days r better & today jz happen to b one of the more jialat days. It's kinda a torture when everyday is like today. How I wished it's apr now !

Believe in God's timing, in all times

Today while catching up on some of my IF bloggers that I've known since some time ago, I read an entry from Hillary that she's pregnant! I almost cried when I saw that entry. For someone who's tried so hard, tried so long (3 IVFs & many IUIs), it's indeed heartwarming to know that God has decided to grant them their wish, in His own timing. They had actually moved on to adoption, and was about to accept an adoption case, when out of a sudden, she just decided to buy a pregnancy kit. - just to be sure, no expectations..not remembering when her last period was.. but I guess God always has his own plans and timing for us, every one of us. My heart go out to this couple, who has spend nearly every cent on fertility treatments, and finally the courage to move on to adoption. And yet, all technologies in the world, did not manage to help them, and to think that after closing this door for a few mths later, God decided to show that He is the Lord, and the creator of all. He showed us once again, that He answers in 3 ways: Yes, No, Not Yet..

Thank you lord for all you have created for us. I pray now that you protect Hillary's womb, and grant her a smooth delivery through this 9mths. - Amen

8 weeks update

A lot of my friends have been asking me how I've been feeling since being pregnant, so I thought I did a summary based on my experience so far:

1) Morning Sickness - Managable
- I think it felt almost the same when I had joy, which is once a while, I do feel nausea, but if I were to drink some gassy/sugary drinks/sweet foods, it kinda chase it away..haha... so I think this time round, it's a lot easier coz i'm already prepared..hehe..

2) Appetite - Small, but better as time passes
- Ever since I did my Embryo Transfer, it felt like I did a stomach reduction operation and just a few mouthfuls would make me full for dinner..hehe... which is not a bad idea, since I hope to lose small weight during my first trimester

3) Cravings - A loooong list
- hahaha... actually it ties in closely with 2). Because of my small or sometimes lack of appetite, I try to eat the foods that I really like... and so far, I think poor Uncle Pig has been tasked to buy the wanton mee at Lavender Food Market..which is simply delicious! I started eating that when my mom was pregnant with Sharon, and now it's my turn..kinda amused by it..haha..

4) Sugar Rush
- It seems similar, in the sense tat during both pregnancies, I tend to have cravings for sugary stuff.. especially this pregnancy. Cause ever since Uncle Pig started baking, I kinda stopped having cakes (really sick of them), but now, during pregnancy, yes I'm enjoying them again! Yeah! Happy... and during a random search of I can't rem what also, I stumbled upon PCOS (which is me!) & their strong craving for sugar/carbs... haha.. no wonder! haha.. aren't I smart? you can read more from the article here...
http://www.mobimotherhood.org/MM/article-pcos.aspx

5) Mood swings - Light Emo
- On the whole, I think I'm alright.. I've started working, and wouldn't postpone my appt unless really necessary. However, having said that, something small, like my bro saying a completely senseless remark will throw me in tears, and sobbing for hours.. kinda drama.. and i know it's not his fault either... or when Uncle Pig starts throwing in some new biz ideas, it will make me breathless and easily irritable..hopefully all these will be over soon!

6) Tiredness - Super!
- I think this is the category where I'm really stretched to the max.. coz ever since the start of the IVF cycle, i've been taking afternoon naps, coz usually by mid day, I will feel like zzz... and zz can happen like almost any time of the day...juz hopefully i don't doze off when I'm working

7) Tummy - Big
- Now that I'm 8 weeks, my tummy always feel like it's 8mths preg...yesh, really! some of my friends tried to console me by saying that maybe bcoz its twins, thus the bigger size..but even if twins, at this stage, they are only about 1 cm big EACH! yes, can't imagine when they are full grown and how my tummy will look like...with all the stretch marks...eee....

8) Smells
- I think this is the part will strongly aggravate my nausea. Even though I'm good on most days, but strong smelling objects/environments/cabs will make me feel even more nausea, and simply awful.

9) Cramps
- lately, as in the last two days, I'm slight cramps on my tummy... i hope it will go away soon.....not really cramps but maybe pain.. and i was really afraid of losing the twins.. not sure if i'm over-suspicious but Uncle Pig says to have faith and when I prayed this morning, God told me the same too. To have faith in him. So I shall obey.

okie, i tink tat's all for now... my eyes cant open le..need to go zz before i pick joy later... to be updated again ba...

Missing Singaporean in Athens, Greece - Kouk Leong Jin

This morning we woke up with alarming news. One of our long time friends is missing in Athens, n uncontactedless for several days. He just got married abt two weeks ago, and I've kinda seen him grow up from a boy to a young man coz he was my brother's sec sch friend and they hv always maintained contact.. Although I don't know him well, but my heart goes out to his family members. Lord, I pray tat u protect him from any harm, tat he will be able to establish contact soon with the local police. Lord, I pray for peace in his family as they travel to Athens to find him, and understand the situation more. Lord, I pray for a miracle, tat he will be safe, despite being missing for >5 days. Lord, I pray for people in Athens, who may know some info to come forward to provide help, and I pray tat he meet some gd Samaritans who will take gd care of him, and bring him to safety.

Lord, I know tat not many people read my blog, but I hope that those who do, can help by clicking on the link below, and pasting it on their fb profile n thus sharing with more people. Thank you , and Amen

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Missing-Singaporean-in-Athens-Greece-Kouk-Leong-Jin/227251480665138

Another sleepless night...

Don't know if it's the coffee I had this afternoon or the pure excitement but I cant seem to fall asleep again! Maybe also a bit stressed tat since everything's kinda sink in, it also mean tat I've got to start working now! Haha... Coz if the twins r here by apr, technically I only have 6-7 mths to work... Ahhhhhhh! Really pretty scary ah.. Esp tom is 1st Oct, so yes, it's back to work.. No more slacking... Muz at least do my very best and trust that God do the rest! Haha... Right now I'm praying tat God will help us in our situation, tat I work sufficiently but not too overwork thus straining myself, tat I have better control of my emotions (n I know it's not gonna b easy with the swings) so tt I can focus n work..haha.. I do love my work most of the time n I'm glad God has placed me here, much as I always wonder y but I'm thankful for his plans... I'm also praying tat I don't gain too much weight, in fact I hope to lose some in my first trimester coz I'm too big to start at the beginning.. It's juz like an already inflated balloon n u insist on pumping additional gas.. Haha... Ya, will try to curb my appetite n the sweet stuff... And hopefully do some exercises in the 2nd &3rd trimester..haha...need to keep reminding myself to curb... Haha... Hard but i will do my best! :)

Double Blessings

This morning I woke up , hand on my tummy as thou making sure I can feel the twins in me.. Everything seem so unbelievable..it juz seems like y'day when doc told us abt our infertility report, n the procedures tat we have to do.. The medication, the rounds of IUIs tat we did, the many prayers tat our CG n friends prayed n cried together w us, the decision to do IVF, then the many rounds of injections, n now here.. It juz didn't seem possible, unbelievable.. And it juz is pure sweetness. I wake up each day feeling full w sweetness, n thanking God for his blessings.. The period when I was down, esp w the low egg retrieved n the probability that maybe nothing to b transferred, I know God was with us.. And I thank God for his presence, strength n everything made possible.

I had lunch with two of my best friends, J&J, and told them that maybe it was the long wait, maybe it was our age, which made this pregnancy even more treasurable. We started our search for infant care when we knew about our blood test result, pram shopping y'day after the scan, and now I have a mental checklist of the things required to buy/do.. haha.. talk about being kiasu parents... i didnt rem doing all these when i was pregnant with joy..

I also had a practical conversation with uncle pig.. in fact, he initiated it.. maybe he realised that two's a completely different ball game or he doesnt wanna overload me with things.. he has suggested of closing the bakery and operating it from home again.. which is something I had really hope he could do.. considering the fact that joy will be starting pri sch in 2 yrs time, plus the twins.. i really hope that either one of us could be a full time parent, to stay at home and take care of the kids.. anyway, i could see the reluctance in his eyes...of giving up his biz, and I pray that God, you provide a solution for this bah... I don't know what's best for us, but I know God always has plans.. so we shall just surrender it to Him la..

Right now I'm pram & infant seat shopping.. havnt really decided if we should do a twin pram tat comes with those infant seats, or should we just recycle Joy's pram and sling the other one... anyway, the bulky twin pram makes it hard to put itself our car boot too.. haha.. i welcome all suggestions..so pls drop me some..thanks! :)

1st ultrasound

1st ultrasound scan
Finally! The long awaited scan is here.. Couldn't zz well last nite coz was so excited abt it tt I ended up feeling half asleep at the clinic today. Haha.. 
Anyway we prayed tat we will b able to see the heartbeat today which was crucial in today's scan.. At 6weeks 5 days, we could c the foetus, and the faint heartbeat.. But wait! There's another one at the other side, the gynae was saying! Huh?? Two?!! I thought we were expecting a singleton based on the bloodtest previously? Gynae says tat surprises happen at times n now,yes we r expecting twins! Praise the Lord! Can't wait to let Joy know abt it.. Haha.. 
We were so thrilled tat after tt,nothing tt the gynae said seems to register in me.. Both uncle pig n I were filled w emotions tat tears juz swelled in our eyes.. Tears of joy, of course. Everything still seems like a dream come true.. 

Wat I did chk with the gynae was the 3 embryos n if they did made it to b used in the later cycle.. But they weren't gd embryos n kinda stop growing n thus can't b used.. Oh well, tats fine for me too.. At least I didn't hv to face the torment of freezing many of my babies for future use. God knows how many's required n He gave us juz the right no. He shows tat He's in control ALL the time n I can't express fully how I'm amazed at His plans..thank you Lord .. I pray tat U continue to protect the 2 babies in my womb, tat they continue to grow healthily n strongly.. I pray for Yr Guidance in walking the rest of the journey.. Like wat some of my friends say, there's so many things tt we need to do now.. N I pray for guidance n wisdom thru this route.. Thank u Lord!-amen

On Faith

During my 2ww, I did feel lost, and afraid. Maybe it was due to the long days of having nothing much to do.. especially as the blood test came nearer, feelings of potential disapointment crept in. Uncle Pig found an article for me to read, which I thought would be nice to share it here...

On Faith
==========
Phyllis, a patient who had an extensive pancreatic cancer that was no longer responding to treatment, went home to die. Several months later she returned to the office. One of my partners examined her. He opened the door of the examining room, and called me: " Hey, Bernie, you're interested in this stuff."

I came in and he said, "Her cancer is gone."
"Phyllis," I said, " tell them what happened."
She said, " Oh, you know what happened."
" I know that I know, " I said, "but I'd like the others to know."
Phyllis replied, " I decided to live to be a hundred and leave my troubles to God."

Peace of mind can heal anything. I believe faith is the essence, a simple solution, yet too hard for most people to practice.

Now I felt I had a dilemma: If God's love could cure people, I wondered, why should I remain a surgeon? So I returned to him and said, "God, you know one of my patients got well leaving her troubles to you. Why should I remain a surgeon? Why not just teach people to love?"

And God in his beautiful sweet, melodious voice said to me, " Bernie, render unto the surgeon what is the surgeon's and render unto God what is God's" (I find that God does that a lot - speaks in parables and leaves you totally confused.) Since then I've come to understand that God and I both have a role in getting people well.

Let me illustrate what I mean with an old story I've adapted.

A man with cancer is told by his primary physician he'll be dead in an hour. He runs to the window, looks up at the sky, and says " God, save me." Out of the blue comes that wonderful melodious voice saying, "DOn't worry, my son. I will save you." The man climbs back into bed, feeling reassured.

His physician calls me and I walk in and say, "If I operate in an hour, I can save you"

"No thanks, " says the man, "God will save me."

Then the oncologist, a radiation therapist and a nuritional therapist all tell him, "we can save you"

" I dont need you, God will save me," is his reply to all of them.

In an hour, the man dies. When he gets to heaven, he walks up to God and says, "what happened? u said you'd save me, and here i am dead."

" you dumbbell. I did try to save you. i sent u a surgeon, an oncologist, a radiation therapist and a nutritional therapist."

-- Adapted from Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul , by Bernie S. Siegel

Blood test part 2

Did my 2nd blood test today n gynae juz called to reconfirm tat everything is in order n based on the level of my Hcg, most likely we are expecting a singleton! Which is quite a gd thing on it's own, considering tat we'll be able to take the hospital ward package, dont need to change a car, pay double of infant care fees, n me forcing uncle pig to quit his biz.. Haha.. So okie la.. Although I thought it would b nice to hv twins, the financial n non-financial commitment will b much harder for us to cope. So I guess God knows what's best for us coz after uncle pig went thru the sums w me y'day , I did a short prayer to God asking him to give us the no. Of kids He think ww could cope comfortably.

Right now, I'm juz simply grateful for all He has done n looking so forward to getting all the things ready when bb arrives! I'm officially pregnant! Yeah!

P/s: I also did a calculation of the total cost for our IVF n I'm happy to say tat the total is less than $14k, minus the $6k u can deduct fr Yr medisave, effectively we spent abt $8k cash in total.. Not too bad considering tat it's fr a private clinic. thank God again for keeping the cost low..

Feelings after >12 hrs

After > 12 hrs of receiving the news, I think both uncle pig n I had trouble falling asleep.. Looking at his FB posting he only zz abt 3am while I woke up suddenly at 330am, simply amazed by wat God has done for us, n super excited to receive our new family member (s) in 9 mths time! 

But before he/she/them come, there r still a few hurdles to clear.. The coming blood test on sat (yes, again! Haiz) to make sure everything is in order, the 6th week scan in 2 weeks time to make sure we hear the heartbeat(s) , and the viability tat the foetus can make it to full term. These are still the many hurdles we need to clear, and I was pretty pissed w uncle pig for his FB posting n declaring it to the whole world. Had really wanted to wait till we cleared the major hurdles before we tell our friends. But I guess he was too excited abt it n his friends were too smart to capture the subtle post.. 

How amazing tat in a span of 4yrs, my attitude towards pregnancy would change so much. When I was preg w joy then, I was filled w resentment, n thought tat it was too early for us to accept another member in the family. I was emo n sad at every stage of my pregnancy - fearful if I had the ability n heart to take care of the little one, sad tt I had to go thru some morning sickness, n feeling tired all the time. I was not aware of what's going to happen to me then. Fast forward n now, it's all feelings of gratefulness, excitement. I'm thankful tat God decide to give us another chance, to love n care for someone else. The timing in His own ways couldn't be any more perfect. We r more ready now, and I know I wanted it too. Uncle pig was so excited tt he started to shortlist names in the afternoon. Talk abt being excited! Haha.. Looking forward to my full blown morning sickness, my first scan, shopping for the little one(s), redecorating the nursery,the first kick(s), changing to more comfy shoes, n many many more!

Lord, we thank you for what U have given to us, and I pray that u continue to protect the foetus in my womb, so that they will continue to grow n develop to full term. Lord, I pray for a gd result for this sat blood test n I pray for Yr divine protection thru this 9mths.  - Amen

The Day....

Gynae juz called.. It's positive! Praise the Lord! Thank u for praying for me! Cried juz now when I received the news. Can't imagine this happening.. Need to do another blood test on sat thou to make sure everything's okie.. Right now I can't breathe at all.. So excited happy! Even asked gynae a dumb qn juz now if he knows it's one or two n uncle pig says tat not impt at all.. Thank you God for answering to our prayers!
Pray tat the baby (s) continue to grow n develop.. Thank you!

Counting down to the last 3 days..

It seem so long but finally everything is coming to an end. In another 3 more days, I will be going to the gynae again for my last ever (I hope) blood test to check on the result. It's as though going for a school examination to know if you have passed it n thus able to move to the next stage or if u have failed n need to discuss the next best way to move on..

To sum it up, the whole journey has been pretty pleasant.. There weren't the horrid side effects tt I've heard, or the emo rollercoasters tt I was afraid abt, or the super painful injections tt come w blue blacks n bruises.. I am thankful tat God protected me from all of those.. Wat I did experienced were a little bit more bloatedness during the 2ww, which was kinda weird coz I Thot the bloatedness shld hv come during the stimulation stage n not now when there's only 2 of them (hopefully) in me.. But the discomfort did cause a small alarm to me.. When I started to feel breathless after a flight of stairs, or when I can't lie down to zz coz I can't breathe. I've learnt to adjust my body n take things really SLOWLY..

But looking at the whole thing, it really is quite okie.. N if I were to choose again, I would still do it..
Would my answer be the same if I knew the result? Yes. I've tried my best, the ways I know to conceive, and if the end result is still the same, I will accept it. It's juz like taking the exam even if you know you only had a limited resources, but you will still sit it, try Yr best n let Him do the rest.

During this period, I've seen also, how Joy grown, to be a mature young adult, and let mummy rest whenever possible. She no longer demands me to go to school with her in the mornings, and she's okie if I stay at home for the whole day, and she even told my mom recently that "we can't go USS now coz mummy can't walk now and need plenty of rest". This warms my heart. God, sometimes when I see her and Uncle Pig, I stand in awe of the blessings you have given them to me! Without them, I'm sure the whole IVF journey would be completely different, and right now, I'm so thankful for these 2 sweet souls in my life. Thank you Lord!

I also pray right now for God to grant us the desire in our hearts n I hope that our friends can pray together for us. I know a couple of u guys have been with us thru the whole journey.. N I'm grateful to all of you.. But I hope that no one ask us now.. let us take our time to keep you updated coz kinda feeling the stress when more n more pple ask.. Nevertheless thank you for Yr love and care showered on us thru this while!

2ww

2ww - 2 week wait, where there's nothing much to do, except to wait.. wait to see if the embies managed to attached itself properly, and grow. Of course, I still need to have some medication, but they are mostly tablets, and not injections. It just seem yesterday that I made this impulsive suggestion to Uncle Pig about doing IVF, and right now, we are almost at the end of the cycle. Before the start of the cycle, I was afraid, fearful of how things would turn out, and how would I survive the whole of the journey. But right now, I'm thankful that I went thru it.It really wasn't that hard after all, I mean seriously.. I had thought that it would be ten times more difficult, but I'm glad that I've tried, and God was with us when we went thru this cycle. I know things could only be so easy and smooth sailing, because He was with us all along. And now I need to leave it to God. In his own ways that I might or might not understand, I know He will always want the best for me. - Amen

p/s: trying to rest as much as I can right now and trying to cover my time at home... bored..yes, i'm starting to feel bored...haha

ET (Embryo Transfer) on 1st Sept

After the procedure on mon, gynae called and informed me that there were 7 eggs retrieved from the 8 follicles scanned, which was a huge relief. I had expected a lot lesser, but I'm thankful for the 7 eggs that God has blessed us. Further later, out of the 7 eggs retrieved, 5 managed to be fertilised! Praise the Lord! This is definitely something that I had not expected. I was still jokingly telling Uncle Pig that we might not even have to go to the ET stage coz I didnt think any of the 7 would be fertilised. (Coz I've heard of people who had >10 eggs and yet only 1-2 eggs were fertilized and made it back to the ET stage).  At that moment, I just prayed that God will see us through it all, and regardless if there were 1, 2 or 0 eggs to be transferred, I will leave it to the Lord. It's something that's not in my control but in His control. And when the gynae called to tell me the results and that we are gonna do the ET on thur, I was pleasantly surprised. And I know that all these were only possible because of Him.

Anyway, so we went for the ET on thur. It was much easier and less painful than on Monday. However, what was unpleasant was that I was required to be on complete bed rest till end of the day. So it was pretty inconvenient, cause it also meant peeing on the hospital bed. Yes, peeing on the "pee pan", as explained by the nurse. Although I empited my bladder immediately after the procedure (cause the gynae requested for a FULL bladder at the start of the procedure, so that its easier to transfer the embies properly), I still resorted to using the pee pan, TWICE! Yes, twice.. no choice... coz really drank too much at the start..haha.. it was pretty inconvenient, but the nice nurses at Gleneagles, help to make it less discomfort. =)

ER 29/8/11 @ 930am

Procedure was done in a sec.. Coz I was kinda knocked out within a while n by the time they woke me up, it was completed. The nurses here are nice, juz like the time when I had joy.. Warm n hospitable. Thank God for them, which made everything seem more ok.. Now waiting for the anesthetic to wear off before they can discharge me. Waiting for my breakfast to come too! Haha.. Kinda miss the food here when I was delivering joy 4 yrs ago.. Haha..
Thank God for everything.. Not sure abt the extraction results and don't wanna worry abt tt coz I know I'm in safe hands. Amen!

ER (Embryo Retrieval) 29/8/11 @ 645am

Dear lord I pray that you accompany me to the procedure. For someone who's so afraid of pain, you protected me thru these 4 weeks of daily jabs, making it seem like a breeze. Lord I pray tt u oversee this whole process n protect the hearts of my 2 precious: uncle pig & joy.. They hv been a continuous source of support n they r also praying for what are heart deeply desire - another child. Lord I know u love them more than I do.. And I trust tat you hv plans in place for all 3 of us. Lord give me peace to go thru the rest of the leg.. In Jesus name I pray, amen

Miracles

Suddenly thought about this song when I woke up this morning and decided to find it. Enjoy!

Lyrics for When You Believe by Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey
Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopefull song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove(s) in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart’s so full I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’d say
There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don’t (always happen) when you ask
(Oh)
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
(Oh…Ohhhh)
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see your way straight throught the rain
(A small but )still resilient voice
Says (hope is very near)
(Ohhh)
There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It’s hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who knows what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe
You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe…in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe~

ED1

The Emo Day..
It's coming to a mth since we started on our daily dose of injections.. It's been quite smooth , on the whole.. Till we went for our visit on mon n dr commented the growth of the eggs were a little sluggish.. Huh? I Thot it was so far so gd? How did it suddenly become sluggish? He suggested increasing the dosage of Puregon from 150mg to 200 mg n hopefully things will get better. Egg retrieval which was initially estimated to be either thur or fri might be delayed. We are to c him again on wed and c how.

Wed came and it was confirmed.. Sluggish.. My heart sank. Most likely there will only b abt 8 follicles ready for retrieval looking at their growth. On one hand, it's gd news tat I didn't get OHSS or too many eggs tat made breathing an issue . But on another hand, the no of eggs is definitely much lesser than wat we had expected. If there were only 8 follicles, n assuming tat not all follicles contained an egg, i might b looking at 6 eggs? And I shudder to think at the end how many would b successful embryos for me to put inside.. Haiz..
Tears flowed as these thoughts passed my mind.. The first day (ED1) when my emo got the better of me.. Nice uncle pig told me tt we should surrender to the Lord, tt we will continue to do our best and trust in the Lord tt He will do the rest.
Yes, I agree.. I had worried deep in my heart initially, that I will hv too many frozen embryos and they will b wasted n it juz seem like a life forsaken.. And I prayed for just the right no. Of embryos . And I shall pray again now.. That the Lord, my God, does not need many to start w, to create the little miracle in our lives. He knows our needs, and He provides. It just take 1 to be successful, if He is willing.
Yes, we will surrender completely to Him and adhere to His guidance.

And going a little further, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, "Abba Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will. - Mark 14:35-36

ivf read

This is by far the clearest of the IVF procedure that I've found on the web.. Saves my explanation when I explain to my friends what I'm going thru and the stages.. Go read...


http://www.victoriafertility.com/14p_in-vitro_fertilization.htm

Simple Happiness

"Happiness isn't about what happens to us -- it's about how we perceive what happens to us. It's the knack of finding a positive for every negative, and viewing a setback as a challenge. If we can just stop wishing for what we don't have, and start enjoying what we do have, our lives can be richer, more fulfilled -- and happier. The time to be happy is now." - Lynn Peters

Bumped into this verse when I was flipping one of Uncle Pig's old old books and it struck a chord in me. It's so true, how sometimes we always wish for a situation or something that God could give us, in order to be happy. But more often than not, it's not the result of a situation that will lead to happiness, but to look at every current situation, and smile. To be able to look at the little blessings at each situation, to be able to smile, and to be able to give thanks, is what we should do in life. And I'm trying to do it at the best I can, trying to be happy, optimistic every day, every hour and every second. And for this, I'm grateful, that God has guarded my emotions so far.. there was no major emo days and I'm just counting every day and looking forward to every day as it comes. This is simple happiness, I guess. =)

My Protein Diet

Today is the start of my protein diet. Under the advise of many in forum, it's best to start doing my egg whites at this stage. As it will reduce the bloatedness of my tummy and reduce the chances of having OHSS (Overian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). The "recommended" amt that one should consume is about 10 per day!!! Yes, 10!! I got a shock too, when I heard it. After telling Uncle Pig about it, the enthuastic guy went to buy 90 eggs and now they are sitting at my living room. Haha.. anyway, he cooked 6 today, and I've already eaten 3 for breakfast.

I've always been a fan of eggs, half/hard boiled eggs.. coz with the dark soya sauce, it always taste nice! Not sure if my palatte has changed recently, but I find it hard to even finish my #2 egg white,  much to imagine 10! Will pack them for lunch/tea/dinner later.. hehe.. to my lunch/tea kakis, you can always share my eggs now..hahah...

Right now, I pray that God will protect me from OHSS, as people with PCOS (me) is even more prone to getting it.  Lord, I surrender to you, and leave this IVF to your control. I pray that you protect me from all negative thoughts, and that you protect my womb, so that I will have the right no. of eggs, eggs that's healthy. Lord, I also pray that during this period, I will continue to seek you, that I will continue to praise you, for your Goodness. Lord, I pray that during this period of time,  my work will be stablised and I will be able to focus. I pray that I have the energy to explain the details to the clients and I pray that they will see value in the work I do. Lord, I also pray for William's biz, that you continue to give him wisdom in solving all the issues there, and I pray that you protect this household. In Jesus name, I pray
- Amen-

The Day I Drew Blood..

Sounds gross right... haha.. but it really happened! Had my first trial of injecting the 2nd kind of medication (Puregon), which comes with a Puregon pen lookalike thing used to do the injections. Dont know why, but after the injection, there were droplets of blood.. hmm, well, the only thing I can conclude is either I've poked into my vein accidentally or this Puregon pen is not as friendly as my first injection. To my first conclusion, I was kinda happy.. coz to think that I've poked myself for >15 days and this was the first time I hit the vein, I thank God ah.. haha.. In fact, was just chatting with one of my church friends on Sunday and she asked if I had blueblacks all over my tummy, which I told her no, I didnt. Cause her friend who was doing IVF some time back, was aways hit with blueblacks / brusies. Which it then daunted upon me that, I rem reading somewhere that it's quite common. But God had protected me from more suffering, which I'm juz simply grateful and counting the little blessings. =)

Oh, did a rough calculation and I should be doing my egg retrieval next week!!! Arrrhhhhh! So fast!?? It just seem y'day when I was still deciding if I should be doing it, and next week would be the estimated ER? OMG! Kinda feel excited at the thought of it.. and hopefully if all else is smooth in God's plan, we will complete this cycle by end of Aug and we will know the result by mid Sept..

Just taking my time to enjoy my me time at home, and count the little blessings. =)

Day 15

A bit lost with my counting but to sum it up, I've completely the first set of injections and were supposedly to start the 2nd set tomorrow. Met the gynae today again for an examination, and I muz say that this 2 weeks have been a breeze! Thank God for his mercy and protection. There was only a couple of mini-arguments tat I had with uncle pig, and not those mega catastrophic ones tat we used to hv when we were doing our IUIs and for this, I'm grateful. Jus trying to count my little blessings as it goes. =)

Anyway we did a blood test n a ultrasound scan today. Thought I could progress to stage 2 from tomorrow but dr says tt we need to wait for the blood test before he can advise on the dosage of the new med..and therefore, I would need to extend my stage 1 for another 2-3days bah..not tat it matters..essentially when u r doing >80 injections, I guess it didn't really matter if we had to do 2-3 more.. Haha.. Trying my best to b optimistic..maybe God wants me to be more prepared emotionally before we go to stage 2? Coz thats when the discomfort sinks in, with the bloated stomach n the over-stimulation of eggs..kinda regretted tt I didn't work as much as I wanted during stage 1 coz it really was quite workable ah.. Regret ah... And now at this stage 2 coming, I wouldn't dare work as hard or fix many appts..for fear of everything..

God, I pray to you tat u continue to guide us in this journey.. Tat you guard my emotions, bless me with the nice pple to meet for my work so tat I can still work and continue to provide for the household. Lord, I pray tat I will have peace in our hearts and I pray tat U will guide William in his biz too. Lord I thank you for William and joy in my life, and I pray that you give them good health. In Jesus name I pray,
- Amen -

Day 5

It's been a few days since I started my injections.. Initially the plan was for uncle pig to help w the injections as I was allergic to pain.. But juz so happened tat the couple of days was so hectic for his baking tat I didn't hv the heart to make him rush bk juz to do it for me.. So far we both did twice each.. And I'm proud to say tat I'm much better than him.. Haha... At least I really don't feel a tinge of pain at all!! Happy happy... 

It juz seems so easy now.. The fears n reservations I had initially, 都好像是多余的。will be seeing the gynae again next week n right now I juz can't wait to start on my 2nd set! Haha...happy day!

Day 1 of IVF..

Was feeling jittery as the day draws near .. Thoughts abt aborting it did come to my mind.. But rather than going down tat route, I juz prayed once again this morning for peace n God's guidance in this journey. Which I felt today. Yes. Morning traffic to town was a breeze.. We arrived early to b able to have happy breakfast before going to the clinic. Right inside the consultation rm, dr explained my blood test to us, our eggs supply n quality.. Everything was gd n within the normal range.. But if everything was gd, then y didnt we get the results we wanted? Haiz..
Anyway dr explained once again abt the procedures n the no of injections to b done.. I muz hv miscalculated! Coz instead of having one injection n increasing it every set of 10 days, it's actually every set of 2 weeks! Faintz... Which means tat I will b jabbing for 6 weeks n a total of 84 jabs!! My mind ran super fast w the calculation n back.. Haha.. Doc says that it will be over even before I know it, which I seriously doubt it.. haha.. but anyway, just concentrate a jab a day first la.. The nurse demonstrated the procedures n did the first jab. I won't say tt it's painless, but it's definitely less painful than the ones I had when doing my IUIs.. So overall it's still a happy day! now juz have to decide on the timing of my injection coz it will hv to b followed strictly everyday.. Tinking of doing it everyday at midnight but dr says usually most pple do it early in the morning.. Haha.. Shall c how la
Thank God for overseeing it all. I pray tat everyday will b as easy as today.. =p

p/s: thot that the new IVF ruling would only be effected from Oct whereby there can only be 2 embryos inserted if you are below age 35.. and I was still telling Uncle Pig that we should be able to do 3 instead..but the nurse juz said that they have already embraced the change.. kissing triplets bye bye..but like what my beloved friend says, I only need one, if it's in God's plans... =p

Reasons

I had wanted to do this entry a while le, but didnt have time to start penning it down. I thought it would be good to list down the reasons why I so desperately want another child; especially despite the fact that I already had Joy.

All along, I resisted adoption or even IVF coz I thought since I had joy le, it didnt seem a strong urge to require desperate measure ya? You know, maybe we really should have 顺其自然? Untill just last week, when I was at Joy's PD Clinic, I bumped into this lady who was trying to have a casual conversation with me. She asked me if I only has 1, which I nodded. Then her almost immediate reply was, once her first child was 18mths, she went back to production mode, so that her #2 can serve as companion to #1. I think the reason why I didnt wanna do adoption or IVF, was becoz I feel that if the sole reason for having a #2, is so tat he/she can b company to #1, then it didnt seem to b a good enough reason? Or am I right? Then I started to re-ponder my thoughts.. as in back to the days before i was pregnant.. and back then, my thoughts were the same... either have 2 and more, or not have any, coz a single child might be too lonely... and when we are gone next time, the child will be all alone in this world...

then it all seem legitimate.. it's not that I'm not gonna love my #2 and more..it's just that it's always been our plans to have many...

anyway, my reasons for trying IVF are as follows:

1) Joy wants a sibling
2) William wants more children
3) I love 1) & 2) so much that I'm willing to do it for them
4) Should one day when wiliam and I are not ard, Joy will not be too lonely.

Happy 30th birthday!

Had lunchie w uncle pig n joy at beanstro at MBS.. He had wanted to do the pizza place we did for our wedding anniversary but I wanted something different..so we decided on Beanstro - a F&B by Coffee Bean ... food was okie, nice n much cheaper than the pizza place.. Haha.. N it was really quite nice.. Anyway both joy n I were more interested in the cake after the meal.. Haha..

It's a big strawberry tart! I had mentioned it a long time ago when hubz was still at his baking sch tat I hope one day my bday cake would b juz a big strawberry tart! He remembered! As I made my bday wish n blew out the candle, tears simply trickled down my cheek.. Tears of joy la.. Tt happiness could b so simple.. N I couldnt stop.. Kinda embarrassing thou.. But looking at these two impt pple in my life, I was happy, at peace n satisfied.. I was thankful tat God had given them to me.. How undeserving of me to have these two pple loving me n showering me with unconditional love.. N as these thoughts flashed thru my mind, my tears gushed like no tomorrow.. It was amazing how a simple birthday celebration within the 3 of us, could be so happy, so filled with emotions. I had always thought that entering the big 3, I would want a big PARTY to celebrate... but I guess God and Uncle Pig had other plans... it was a simple birthday celebration, yet a happy one... =)
Lord I thank you for everything tat has happened.. N I really should count my blessings! To have a wonderful hubz, and an independent 4yr old who at her age seems to be taking care more of me than the other way round.. Lord, I also thank you for putting us thru infertility , I thank you for trusting in us tat we'll b able to handle it bcoz I know tat all tasks given by You are definitely manageable for us..
As my bday draws to a close, another impt chapter will await us.. Lord, I pray for Yr protection and guidance in this journey, tat U give us strength to continue this journey, tat thru this, our faith may b strengthen as well as thru this, may we be Yr mouthpieces to spread your goodness..

Emo Part II...

Juz came back from a short getaway and ended up being more tired than before the trip.. the trip was okie, fun and relaxing... but anyway, will blog abt that in another entry altogether...

Have been re-tinking about my IVF decision this couple of hours... it's the uneasiness, and I'm not even sure if this is the way that I wanna go about it.. Does God want to see that happening too? What if this is all not meant to be? Maybe God feels that this is not His plan for me? Maybe in His grand master plan, Joy would grow up to be an only child?

Haiz.. feeling a lot of maybes and whatifs and dont know how I should proceed from here? SHould I juz back out from the whole thing & move on in life? Anyway, there's a lot of pple who only have 1 child and are contented with that? Or should I go back to the adoption waiting list? Or maybe I should juz try my own ways to source for a child available for adoption? Or should I just go ahead with the IVF, the 60 injections and see how it goes? WOuld that be the way for me?

What if after a failed cycle, I tried several more cycles and cant seem to pull myself out of it? I dont know why but even before starting, I've never really imagined myself as having it successful? Would that be a self-fulfilling prophency? But if I were to imagine hitting it right on the first cycle, and if it turned out otherwise, I think the blow would be even harder and greater than imagined?

I know for sure that God didnt intend for Joy to be an only child.. I also know that God didnt want me to suffer the pains... then if that's the case, then how?? How God? God, I cry out to you, and I pray that you hear my cries.. God, I pray for your protection, for your covering upon me and my family, that we will be able to survive this journey altogether.. Lord, I do not know yr plans and yr reasons for doing certain things, but I remember that U love all yr children.. And this verse suddenly pass thru my mind:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
   ⁹ “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹² So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. - Matthew 7:7

Emo..

This morning while driving to work, I asked Uncle Pig what if the IVF mixed-up happened to us too? His immediate reply was " it's still our kid & it's God's way.." Tears simply well in my eyes.. I can feel the beginning of my emo journey.. Fearful but anticipating too..

Yesterday at the clinic, our record showed that our last consultation was last Oct n it's been 8mths..
Am I crazy to embark on this again? Have I forgotten the pains & agonies we suffered back then? I rem juz recently tat I was so relieved tt this all was juz a thing of the past, but now we're going to start another cycle AGAIN...

I asked Uncle Pig if we were defying God's way by going ahead.. N his reply was simple yet comforting " Even if IVF is successful, I hope we will still adopt as planned" . Which I agreed! It's not a case of ours vs adopted but more of the queue of prospective mothers waiting for an adopted child is much longer.. According to the agency, even after completing the report, there's a long waiting list for prospective parents n the wait could go as long as 5 yrs! And it muz b agonizing for these pple too.. Coz they muz hv tried all means before coming to this route n I didn't want to compete with them, since I've already had Joy n there were other alternatives tat I could try..
So currently, Uncle Pig and I will try IVF.. But we will also prepare our adoption procedures.. And if God is willing, we will be more than willing to accept as many children in our household as possible..

P/s: Please pray for us, that if it is in God's way, smoothen the whole process n bless us with another
addition(s) soon...

Waiting..

好紧张哦！真希望时间快点过啊！又怕又想知道医生会说什么。我是不是应该现在还可以走，快点走能？
Lord I pray to you tat you give me the peace and strength to go thru all these. Lord, I pray tt you help me thru all these.. Lord, I am truly sorry for going ahead of it without listening.. Lord, I pray tat U deliver me from all these.. Kinda regret my 冲动ness yesterday.. Lord I leave all in your hands - amen

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm writing to you now because it's only a few more hours before I go c the gynae.. I know that I should have done it earlier, I should have prayed before making the appt and I should have place this completely in Yr hands. Lord, much as I'm willing, a part of me is worried. Worried that if I turn to You, you will say No in yr gentle voice, worried that you will not grant this tiny wish of yr beloved child. It's a struggle, a struggle to wait, a struggle not to do anything.

Lord, I know that man can only do this much, but God, you are the Almighty and the Creator of all and if You are willing, it will be done, effortlessly. Lord, I know it's wrong for me to do this, but even if this is a journey of no returns, I would still want to do it. I know and I only pray that you grant me the peace, when I go for my appt later as well as my TTC journey. Lord, I pray for forgiveness, and I pray that you carry me in this difficult path and I pray that you soften the journey outcome..

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish,
sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints,
so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints,
my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson