Today I finally engaged a Lactation Consultant to guide me on J’s latch. Suspected for a while that his latch wasn’t as perfect as his sisters and finally called one over. I was undecided between quitting entirely or just tahan the pain and hope that eventually it will work out. 

So the LC, who was highly recommended by many, was good, in teaching the latch. But she was a bit hard core to me appetite. Kept insisting that I just put him to the breast 24/7, to stimulate demand. Halfway thru the session, J already started wailing v badly bcoz he was super hungry (LC was 45mins late), and a hungry man is an angry man.  It got a bit stressful towards the end coz he just wanted his bottle and I also wanna just give him the bottle la.. 

I needed to also filter what she says bcoz my objective is to improve on the latch, so that the latching experience is more enjoyable. But if I kept insisting (the way she advise), yes I probably see good success in 2 mths time, but I also risk him quitting latching right now! He wail so badly just now that I almost cried too. For me, each additional day that J latches, is an additional bonus day  coz I had thought we would quit during my last emo emo post 

Another reason why I wouldn’t b so hard core is becoz I will b too tired if I do this 24/7, and I still have other kids that I want to be there for! There are many other things that I wanna do besides just breastfeeding him to b honest. And I’m not going to let mums guilt come attack me anymore! 

Feeling at peace at my realisation. I wouldn’t b surprised if J decides not to latch the next morning. But if he does, I’ll give thanks and enjoy that moment !

Leading a fugitive life part 1

 

This is the start of strategizing my pee breaks; pump timings and everything else. I’ve long forgotten how it feels like, when even my mere walking away would trigger the little man to wake up. 

It’s a bittersweet moment. Sweet bcoz his entire world is about me, bitter becoz it means relinquishing my freedom. 

Enjoying the peace we have at home becoz the twins went to grandma house for 2 days. And suddenly it seems so quiet at home. Told Joy it was probably the many staycations that the twins had last year that I felt the house needed more 人气 and thus my longing for another kid. She simply rolled her eyes 👀 at me. But I know deep down, she dotes on this little man! To which I’m thankful for. 

Giving thanks

 This sums up the 3D2N staycation at KKH.. 

Just so thankful that all’s well now and that the operation went well. It’s heartbreaking when the child is sick, even more so when he was hospitalized and needed to do an operation. 

But many things could have gone worse and I just wanna be thankful for this moment. That we are all home with him now. 

My 2nd kid to receive this honourable certificate.

And this is how I feel after I came home.. darn exhausting, even though I didn’t even do the night shifts at kkh. - photo by grace 

Can I also say that she is a better photographer than me!?? Hahaha

Chubby boy managed to learn to take the tutu while at kkh, bcoz his cow wasn’t always by his side. Came back and almost immediately decided not to take tutu anymore.. lol..

And it’s going to be his 满月 this coming Sunday. Not going to have any elaborate celebration. Just thankful that we survived.. 

““Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.25.niv

Are you a shot glass or a tumbler?

Saw this one during one of the late night pumps coz I was curious to know if I had Low supply or is it simply bcoz my breast capacity was limited. Turns out that supply and storage are 2 things altogether. 

Generally, the storage capacity is limited by the number of nodules one have and it can vary from as little as 3 to as many as 15! So that’s the reason why some people like me can only pump 1 oz while there are mummies who can pump 10oz at one shot! The idea is to “activate” all yr nodules at the initial weeks thru active breastfeeding/ pumping etc. Of coz if one naturally has lesser nodules to start with, then it would also be one of the limitations as well. Can refer to Here for more details . But the solution for shot glass people like me, is to either pump or latch more frequently or supplement la.. today, I’m not emo. And I’m chilled about it. (I can’t say for all days, just today). 

I cried the moment I saw this right picture. It’s assuring and comforting to know that it aren’t my fault entirely but at the same time self blaming to know that I probably will never be able to exclusively feed J. I didn’t realize the last time my supply was affected bcoz of PCOS coz eventually I still manage to feed grace quite well.. although it was probably after 3 mths or so.. the initial weeks were still supplemented with FM.. I rem confiding to my gfs that my yield (then) was so little that it wasn’t even enough for 1 singleton! But I just didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further. 

This time round, the yield is even lower.. and to b honest, on some days, it could hurt me so much (all the pressure/judgement/mom’s guilt I put on myself ), esp when I share with some friends and their replies are “Have you tried xxxx ?” 

I wanna tell them “Yes I have. And it didn’t work. Pls stop offering solutions. I just need a hug or a listening ear, not solutions.” The things I’ve tried :

- fenugreek 

- lactation cookies (yummy!)

- power pump 

- pumping 3 hrly and latching in between sessions 

- papaya fish soup

- eating lotsa fish or salmon 

- drinking more than 4 litres of fluids each day

- tong cao 

- rest 

- sunflower lentil (to prevent clogged ducts)

- domperidone

So you see, I’ve been a hardworking student. But no matter how hard I try, the most I’ve reached is 50ml and that’s when I do power pump which takes up an hr. I can’t possibly make all my pump sessions into an hr bcoz it’s too tiring and my life doesn’t revolve just next to a pump. I have other kids that I should give love and attention to. I would like to be able to play uno with the twins or discuss politics with Joy or simply just having a cup of coffee with my uncle choo.. 

And these few nights all the research just kinda explain it all. Women with PCOS generally have lesser glandular tissue so the number of nodules I have would b lesser. And even if all is activated (bcoz I’m a hardworking student right), the most I’ll get is marginal higher. I’m a shot glass which explains why my boobs will feel full every 2 hrly, but even when I pump, it will just be 30ml or lesser.. We came back from shopping and I overstretched my pump to 4hrs and the yield is the same.. faints. I thought I would b immune by now..

Oh well .. Anyway this post is to remind myself that I will just deliver whatever I produce possibly and that’s it. If the final drop end, then he will b on 100% FM, so be it.

I need to be nicer to myself. I know. I’m blessed even though I can’t be a cow. 

““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ; believe also in me.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jhn.14.1.niv

An old friend’s visit

Have been trying all ways to boost my supply coz honestly it didn’t go up after I was discharged from the hospital .. haiz.. meaning I’m still pumping roughly the same amt on day 5 as compared to now - day 17. I’ve tried power pumping , making sure I drink at least 4l of fluids everyday, taking my fenugreek supplements, and even had 3 rounds of lactation cookies. Other than the cookies which helped perk my moods up, sadly none of the  recommended methods did little to rise supply up. 

Frustrated yes, but this also made me lean closer to God.. been praying and seeking God’s direction on this. If it’s meant to continue then pls increase my supply .. if it’s not meant to b, then cut even the little amt that I have. 

And I was reminded like a knock in my head.. a visit by an old friend - 

Sigh .. PCOS.. that probably explains why the yield is so little this time round. I rem during the twins time I also battled with Low supply but I just thought it was the lack of sleep that resulted in it.. and didnt think too much into it. 

But this time round I had more sleep, was more hardworking but still the results were meh.. 

William says that if I’m tired, we can always just dived into FM all the way but I aren’t ready to give up .. praying strengthens me.. and while doing any power pump at 4am, I stumbled into this :

https://www.llli.org/breastfeeding-with-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

The author also has PCOS and even though she will never be able to provide exclusively for her child, she takes delight in the little achievements in life .. the fact that the baby is satisfied with nursing followed by the occasional bottle, or nursing to sleep etc .. it is a gentle reminder to me too.. that I shan’t be so obsessed/ stressed/ disappointed by what I can’t do. Instead I should take delight that baby J is still able to nurse, that I does his 3pm feeding and the occasional night closing plus desserts. 

Thankful for this article at 4am.. finishing my power pump soon.. 

Growth spurt

Just as I thought I’m going to be stuck with my pump forever, J had his first growth spurt on Thursday. He just kept drinking and drinking and refused to zzz... such that william and joy had to take turns to make him to zzz but he wasn’t sleeping well. 

So I took out my boobs and let him latch. Coz it’s easier to overfeed a baby with a bottle, then with my boobs la.. lol.. 

So in between his feeds, I was his dessert.. hahaha 

It felt good to be able to latch him and not b stress over it. It was still enjoyable during the afternoon but by his last feed (10pm), we gave him the bottle and all 3 of us fell asleep! William and I were afraid that he would wake up an hr later so better zzz while we could.. hahaha.. been so long since I zz at 10pm but it felt good !

This was taken by grace just a few days ago. I’m feeling better now, the blues seem to be gone for now, for which I’m thankful. 

Maybe it’s bcoz I had more sleep, or bcoz I had work as a distraction, or simply bcoz I’ve 看开 over the breastfeeding demands, I’m okie (for now). Life isn’t just abt how long u pump , or how much the baby drink etc ..hahaha.. mental health for the mama is also v impt too.

 

This chek chek takes so many selfie with the little man with my hp.. lol.. she calls him “the big boss”.. hahah

Thankful that they are hanging around well..

I’m doing my pumps now and clearing some emails at the same time .. it’s nice to do it at the wee hrs when there’s no distractions. 

Going for my first zoom (work) appt in a few hrs. Honestly I’m kinda excited.. lol.. I like working. It’s a good distraction from the low (milk) supply. And it’s a good distraction from emos and stuff.. J says that working gives me the extra bout of confidence becoz I do it so well at work. Probably. And I definitely need the extra confidence booster now. 

Managed to latch baby J a few times today. It was painful still but by evening time, his latch is finally there.. we probably can practice here a few times and see how it is. His jaundice is recovering but we still need to go for another follow up next week. 

Also did revision with the twins this afternoon.. almost died from vomiting blood.. lol.. 

Thankfully I received this from JM which brighten my day. The flowers were so pretty and the massage touches my heart. 

I’m much better today, for which I’m thankful for. Hopefully I would b out of the woods soon. 

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/col.3.17.niv