Joy lost the scholarship again for the second time. 

It was heartbreaking. Heartbreaking not because of the loss but coz the officials told her that the appeal was accepted, raise her hopes only to have the medical team to reject her a second time. (Her medical condition deems her unfit for military even though she passed all her physical tests with flying colours.)

She cried even harder this time round. It’s as if the floodgates were let loose. In her desperation, she said she isn’t going to apply for any more scholarship. Just going to get a local degree. Get a normal job. All the 气话。🥺🥺🥺

No amount of consolation would touch her. She just cried inconsolably. I could see it eating her alive. She just kept going on and on abt how much time she wasted preparing for her UK application and scholarship interviews and in hindsight she shouldn’t even try. 

My heart broke together with her. It’s not like her to give up when things don’t go her way. So her reaction was 💔💔💔

There was nothing we could say to console her. I know eventually, this would seem a minor setback when she lives a full life to 80. But now, this was everything she wished and worked for. It was her everything. 

We could only cry together with her, hug her, give her a safe space to rant, to cry, to feel all her emotions. 

Me

The dreadful day came and left. The day where I’m scheduled for a training. This time round, I suggested doing a panel producer sharing, so that everyone could learn more abt 3 unique individuals which are so different in their ways of prospecting, but successful in their respective ways. I’m so thankful that they agreed to be my panelists, hahaha.. 

The days leading up to the event, I was feeling all over the place. Disheartened bcoz I felt that my FG was going nowhere. I felt that I was not doing enough to help them; felt that no matter how much I tried, it’s hard to dig their whys and encourage them to work. Their activities hardly move and I started to self doubt myself even more. The tipping point came when I was frustrated with another adviser, who did so badly in her paperwork, and had no urgency in rectifying or change it. And these are moments where it frustrates me to the max, when people simply don’t care. Then there was a relatively young adviser who decided to leave and join another firm. Maybe I hadn’t done enough, maybe I did too little too late. Or mayb I wasn’t meant to be a leader coz a leader shouldn’t be feeling all emotional abt so many things, even for a mini scale presentation. 

Anyway I’m glad that it’s all over.  The panel sharing turned out much better than I expected. I just need to work on my nerves and emotions. This is going to be a regular event, doing trainings and everything. And if every little single event is going to make me binge eat and emo, then I’m so dead!

Made Joash zzz last night and I teared when it was time to leave for the airport. 

I’m such a mess. 一直在装牛角尖. On one hand feeling all guilty over dumping the kids , on another hand wishing to go on another short couple trip to bkk! Aiyo… lena ah lena.. 你在做什么！？好啦。要珍惜这一次的二人世界。要活在当下。感恩

Where did my bun bun go?

It’s the Mar holidays so we took time off to spend with the twins. This morning was supposed to be cycling with grace but last minute, both of them said they would preferred to watch an anime movie. So off they went. 

Had lunch at HDL before we splitted ways. I took grace to Chinatown coz she needed to get some crochet supplies. Suddenly dawn on me, she’s now a tween, and not the “bun bun” we called each other affectionately. Why did I take so long to realize it? She’s quite often the “forgotten child” coz she never had problems academically + have quite a lot of friends + doesn’t have as much meltdowns. So quite easily, I’ll forget. And it suddenly struck me that I’ve definitely lost a lot of time with her. 

I wished I could turn back the clock. 

This is us this afternoon. She used to spam my phone with 2000 of her photos and always I’ll remove all, leaving one or two of them. 

Us in may 2021, when she still loves taking 2000 selfies. 

She doesn’t complains even when she doesn’t receive as much attention or time with me. Most of the time I “fire fight” with the other kids or with work. She just does her own things. And now her addiction is probably the phone or computer. Something we need to work on. 

Just had a night chat with Joy - the teenager who I hardly see nowadays. Her schedule is so crazy packed that I wonder if she knows her first priority is still A levels, and not build an exciting and colourful CCA portfolio. She’s running for council, and to be honest, I hope she doesn’t get it. Too much work, with no pay. JM says she’s probably very much like her mom - the drive and the crazy schedule 😳.. anyway while hearing her campaign and conflicts etc, I wonder when will the twins reach this stage where I can b confident and comfortable with them. When can we chat like friends and I can b 放心 with everything ? 

We also went to the night safari this evening. The twins have been requesting for this for a long time. When we finally completed the whole tram ride + show, I asked the twins when was the last time we were here. They clearly wasn’t impressed with the whole event - a sign of “Aging”. They have outgrown it. 🤣🤣🤣 And so when I tried recalling the time we brought them here (coz we only came once!) I remember it was before Covid, so it’s probably in 2019 when they were P1! Gasp! Certainly didn’t expect that their request has been postponed for so long. And all of a sudden, the mum guilt overwhelmed me. I felt bad, for neglecting them and not doing all the activities we should do as a family. They said that they aren’t interested to come here again, and that maybe we could just renew our zoo membership. Asked them where they would like to go, and we will try to go before they outgrow it again. And they said USS! So I guess we will bring them there in June. 

Ended the night with Mac. 

5000 calories

I probably ate over 5000 calories today - the result of emotional eating. I know I said earlier that I wanna dissociate food with my feelings and emotions. But it’s so hard and today has been a tough 24hrs. 

I felt so guilty when I didn’t answer to Joash cries middle of the night. We tried a new strategy last night - I slept in Joy’s room and if he does his usual night routines, our helper will attend to him. This is also to prepare him for our couple trip coming up in March and if things don’t work out, at least I have enough time to get an extra ticket for him. 

He woke up at 4am, and cried and cried. My heart cried together with him. He was angry with the helper and struggled. It was probably only when he saw the empty bedroom that he relented. Took another 30 mins before he finally zzz. By then it was 5am. I took a snooze before ferrying the twins to school.

I thought I felt better after my swim. But somehow I just felt terrible. And by the time I pick Joash from school, I was overwhelmed again. I don’t know what came to me but I just cried. I felt useless and overwhelmed. I felt like all my kids are waiting and expecting me to hold the fort but I’m not stepping up. 🥹🥹🥹🥹

As much as I wanna do 101 things, it’s so hard to lift myself up. 

I even made up my mind that I’m going to get this. And i did. But it didn’t do much in cheering me up

”You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” - Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Dear God, do you hear my cries? Are you carrying me through this storm? I pray that in time to come, this too shall pass. I want to believe that even though I don’t understand why, I wanna believe in faith that all these are steps and journeys to make me a better self. God, I pray that you be with me; carry me and my burdens. I surrender all these in yr name, Amen!