Random

The first time he has a fever and it’s not due to vaccinations.. woke up this morning with a fever which shot thru the roof to 39+ later in the evening. Besides the fever being the only indicator that this boy is sick, he’s still eating well, drinking well and super energetic! 

Probably bring him to the PD Tom just to b sure everything’s fine. 

There’s many challenges ahead but we will get thru it all, step by step. 

Finally sold my pump today! Yeah ! Finally saying goodbye to that chapter; to that black hole. Thank u Angela for selling it for me. I was afraid that I would gostun and touch my pump again after the staycation.. but thankfully it didn’t happen.

Have started to fix a few appts for this week and next. I’m really looking forward for the next phrase ! Him starting his solids and me going back to work.. 

A colleague asked me recently how I managed to hit my TOT so early this year while she was working till the last day for her COT.. honestly, it’s all only possible becoz God is with me. And I’m excited to let God draw the plans He has for me for 2022! 

 

Saying goodbye to the milk factory

 

Send these photos to a very nice friend who offered to help me sell them away. 

It’s final. The milk factory is closed. Did my last pump today and I’m happy. I’m glad that this is all over. I thought I would b more chilled about the whole bf thing this time round but no, it still affected me a lot and I’m so glad it’s finally over. 

Time to look forward to more exciting stages in life. It’s the school hols and we have a few things planned for the kids. We did a staycation at equarius last week and this week, there’s another staycation (just me and the twins only). 

I wanna spend these few weeks with the girls before I start working full steam in jan. 

To be honest, I’m very excited about what lies ahead. J is happy in his school, we are all settled at our new place, and now that I’ve closed the milk factory, this means more time and energy for more exciting things !

Handling over the keys of minton back to the landlord this week. Praying that nothing urgent crops up or nothing stupid screws up. 

We did the MRI yday.. like finally and it wasn’t a walk in the park. Firstly both of us couldn’t zzz the night before but we didn’t tell each other.. lol 

Anyway, on Friday morning brought the big baby for his MRI. You could see that for all the things he could do for his family, medical appts isn’t one that he can just go. Which is fine. It’s an opportunity for me to sayang the big giant I guess. Anyway, long and short of the story, he had to be sedated bcoz he freaked out again. I’m trying to be the emphatic wife but hor, I had to bite my lips several times just to remind myself not to say the wrong things.. 

We finally did it. The appt took 3 hrs plus. Next wed going to see the doctor. Praying that the results would be clear and that the dizzy spells are just due to fatigue or “gaming too much” (his own words). 

I slept so well last night. Could go back to zzz immediately after settling Joash motn feeds. So thankful! 

Brought the twins to their enrichment class today. We took public and literally crawled from woodleigh to Delfi! Enjoying my breakfast at Starbucks now bcoz I’m down to 3x pumps a day! Yeah ! First time on a Saturday where I don’t need to blog while pumping at the nursing room at forum. 

I need to focus on myself and my well being; instead of the pump! Going to eat clean again and lose the excess weight. (The emotional roller coaster and sleepless nights did nothing to help)

But today is good bcoz I had good rest last night. 🤗Beautiful Saturday! 

Quick update

It’s been 3 full mths since my last entry. Been wanting to blog and update on my little happenings but I had neither the time nor the energy to do it. Even during the middle of the night pumps, I only had space to scroll thru online shopping to keep myself awake.. lol.. and yes there were a few impulse buys becoz of this.. hahaha

So right now I’m pumping in the nursery room at forum while waiting for the twins to finish their abacus class. It’s my 1hr break away from any of the kids but still stuck to my pump. I’m early for my pump but if I do it at home , it would b stealing time away from the baby or the girls. So it’s better that I do it now.

We have since shifted to our new place for 2 weeks ! Yeah! So glad that everything is finally coming together. On our first night there, I cried coz we got this place in a rush and there were so many little defects of the house that we had missed before signing the contract. And it’s hard to wrestle / demand changes after signing it.. that’s the hard fact of being a tenant in a landlord’s market. It’s really crazy. Coz some of the units we shortlisted were snapped up even before we could view. And we wouldn’t have been able to get this if not bcoz the first tenant who “booked” this place couldn’t start the lease earlier. I was also feeling emo emo that the twins had to give up their play kakis at minton becoz of the shift, but it’s really just my emo thinking la.. checked with them a couple of times before and after we shifted and all 3 girls were really happy tat they finally gotten a room of their own. So I guess it’s a YEAH! 

So many things to be thankful for, like how we manage to pack everything and shift; how uncle pig managed to unpack everything by that weekend itself .. if packing was headache, wait til u see the unpacking. I felt sorry for putting him thru this, and I told him that if we ever were to shift again, it would b for good. Not gonna rent anymore if it’s not this place. Even though financially, and the math / science behind it makes more sense to rent, but I think it’s the non quantitative things that I should factor into as well. Of coz if we can continue to stay here , good. If not then we will buy our next place. That’s my thoughts for now. 

Work wise, I’ve started to go back to work. But it’s so tough. This time round it’s so much tougher to go back to work. In the past, it’s so nice to just leave the house and go to work and come back feeling full of energy to jaga the babies. But now bcoz everyone is wfh, work and being a mama is clearly not separated. I can’t b in the room doing admin and not rush out to rescue a crying baby. Or I can’t continue my things and not try to catch up on the girls little happenings in their lives. I can’t. And it’s exhausting to juggle the many things. I’m just praying that God will give me the wisdom and energy to do what’s on my plate. After all, He will never give me too big a task if He knows I’m not up to it. 

Joash is growing well. At the last weighing, he has crossed 7kg even before 3mths. An incredible feat. Waiting for him to sleep thru. He did it for the first 3 nights at the new place, then he went back waking up every 3-4hrly… lol… patience is a rare commodity and I pray God gives me that to weather thru the night feeds and pumps. 

Today I finally engaged a Lactation Consultant to guide me on J’s latch. Suspected for a while that his latch wasn’t as perfect as his sisters and finally called one over. I was undecided between quitting entirely or just tahan the pain and hope that eventually it will work out. 

So the LC, who was highly recommended by many, was good, in teaching the latch. But she was a bit hard core to me appetite. Kept insisting that I just put him to the breast 24/7, to stimulate demand. Halfway thru the session, J already started wailing v badly bcoz he was super hungry (LC was 45mins late), and a hungry man is an angry man.  It got a bit stressful towards the end coz he just wanted his bottle and I also wanna just give him the bottle la.. 

I needed to also filter what she says bcoz my objective is to improve on the latch, so that the latching experience is more enjoyable. But if I kept insisting (the way she advise), yes I probably see good success in 2 mths time, but I also risk him quitting latching right now! He wail so badly just now that I almost cried too. For me, each additional day that J latches, is an additional bonus day  coz I had thought we would quit during my last emo emo post 

Another reason why I wouldn’t b so hard core is becoz I will b too tired if I do this 24/7, and I still have other kids that I want to be there for! There are many other things that I wanna do besides just breastfeeding him to b honest. And I’m not going to let mums guilt come attack me anymore! 

Feeling at peace at my realisation. I wouldn’t b surprised if J decides not to latch the next morning. But if he does, I’ll give thanks and enjoy that moment !

Are you a shot glass or a tumbler?

Saw this one during one of the late night pumps coz I was curious to know if I had Low supply or is it simply bcoz my breast capacity was limited. Turns out that supply and storage are 2 things altogether. 

Generally, the storage capacity is limited by the number of nodules one have and it can vary from as little as 3 to as many as 15! So that’s the reason why some people like me can only pump 1 oz while there are mummies who can pump 10oz at one shot! The idea is to “activate” all yr nodules at the initial weeks thru active breastfeeding/ pumping etc. Of coz if one naturally has lesser nodules to start with, then it would also be one of the limitations as well. Can refer to Here for more details . But the solution for shot glass people like me, is to either pump or latch more frequently or supplement la.. today, I’m not emo. And I’m chilled about it. (I can’t say for all days, just today). 

I cried the moment I saw this right picture. It’s assuring and comforting to know that it aren’t my fault entirely but at the same time self blaming to know that I probably will never be able to exclusively feed J. I didn’t realize the last time my supply was affected bcoz of PCOS coz eventually I still manage to feed grace quite well.. although it was probably after 3 mths or so.. the initial weeks were still supplemented with FM.. I rem confiding to my gfs that my yield (then) was so little that it wasn’t even enough for 1 singleton! But I just didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further. 

This time round, the yield is even lower.. and to b honest, on some days, it could hurt me so much (all the pressure/judgement/mom’s guilt I put on myself ), esp when I share with some friends and their replies are “Have you tried xxxx ?” 

I wanna tell them “Yes I have. And it didn’t work. Pls stop offering solutions. I just need a hug or a listening ear, not solutions.” The things I’ve tried :

- fenugreek 

- lactation cookies (yummy!)

- power pump 

- pumping 3 hrly and latching in between sessions 

- papaya fish soup

- eating lotsa fish or salmon 

- drinking more than 4 litres of fluids each day

- tong cao 

- rest 

- sunflower lentil (to prevent clogged ducts)

- domperidone

So you see, I’ve been a hardworking student. But no matter how hard I try, the most I’ve reached is 50ml and that’s when I do power pump which takes up an hr. I can’t possibly make all my pump sessions into an hr bcoz it’s too tiring and my life doesn’t revolve just next to a pump. I have other kids that I should give love and attention to. I would like to be able to play uno with the twins or discuss politics with Joy or simply just having a cup of coffee with my uncle choo.. 

And these few nights all the research just kinda explain it all. Women with PCOS generally have lesser glandular tissue so the number of nodules I have would b lesser. And even if all is activated (bcoz I’m a hardworking student right), the most I’ll get is marginal higher. I’m a shot glass which explains why my boobs will feel full every 2 hrly, but even when I pump, it will just be 30ml or lesser.. We came back from shopping and I overstretched my pump to 4hrs and the yield is the same.. faints. I thought I would b immune by now..

Oh well .. Anyway this post is to remind myself that I will just deliver whatever I produce possibly and that’s it. If the final drop end, then he will b on 100% FM, so be it.

I need to be nicer to myself. I know. I’m blessed even though I can’t be a cow. 

““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ; believe also in me.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jhn.14.1.niv

An old friend’s visit

Have been trying all ways to boost my supply coz honestly it didn’t go up after I was discharged from the hospital .. haiz.. meaning I’m still pumping roughly the same amt on day 5 as compared to now - day 17. I’ve tried power pumping , making sure I drink at least 4l of fluids everyday, taking my fenugreek supplements, and even had 3 rounds of lactation cookies. Other than the cookies which helped perk my moods up, sadly none of the  recommended methods did little to rise supply up. 

Frustrated yes, but this also made me lean closer to God.. been praying and seeking God’s direction on this. If it’s meant to continue then pls increase my supply .. if it’s not meant to b, then cut even the little amt that I have. 

And I was reminded like a knock in my head.. a visit by an old friend - 

Sigh .. PCOS.. that probably explains why the yield is so little this time round. I rem during the twins time I also battled with Low supply but I just thought it was the lack of sleep that resulted in it.. and didnt think too much into it. 

But this time round I had more sleep, was more hardworking but still the results were meh.. 

William says that if I’m tired, we can always just dived into FM all the way but I aren’t ready to give up .. praying strengthens me.. and while doing any power pump at 4am, I stumbled into this :

https://www.llli.org/breastfeeding-with-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

The author also has PCOS and even though she will never be able to provide exclusively for her child, she takes delight in the little achievements in life .. the fact that the baby is satisfied with nursing followed by the occasional bottle, or nursing to sleep etc .. it is a gentle reminder to me too.. that I shan’t be so obsessed/ stressed/ disappointed by what I can’t do. Instead I should take delight that baby J is still able to nurse, that I does his 3pm feeding and the occasional night closing plus desserts. 

Thankful for this article at 4am.. finishing my power pump soon..