They will be 14 tomorrow. How time flies. 

I remember how those early days were - always overwhelmed; always exhausted; always tired and even if I wanted to fight with Uncle, using that time to sleep felt more important. 

The days are long but the years short. 

I guess there is some truth to it. 

Grace was just reminding me recently that the current house is the only house where vera and her stuff wasn’t thrown out of the house! lol…  those years had been so hard, coz she is as stubborn as me; more sensitive / emo than me; and more whiny.. it’s like Lena 2.0. 

Recently it’s nice to just hug and cuddle her. I think I might invite her to my bed when William goes for his sabbatical break. 

I’m not a perfect mom. We fight so much then. I/We cried so much; either together or alone on my bed. 

Thankful that even though things aren’t perfect, we make it thru. 

This is me and my newfound glasses.. hahahaha.. and suddenly reading msgs from the phone is so comfortable.. hahahaha.. 

好久不见了，我的好朋友！Finally could enjoy stitching in the afternoon. It’s really my preferred therapy- over eating, and watching social media mindlessly.. hahahaha.. 

I realize how much I missed stitching and how much I use my brains thinking abt stuff while I’m stitching! Hahahaha.. but this is really a design I regretted so much. It’s my first printed project and I’m not sure if it’s bcoz it’s printed that’s why the colours keep switching every few stitches. Have the urge to simply stitch all in the same colour in 1 row! 

The kid who found her motivation to do Math. Few mths ago, we stopped her math tuition coz it was heading nowhere. Her results didn’t improve, and I didn’t see a point in spending the time and $$ going. We all agreed that the math tuition gave her a false assurance that she is doing fine (and thus refusing revision). 

So we removed the tuition, and I told her in replacement, she has to do 3 hrs of math on her own. Of coz it will be tedious for us to track, so I found a brilliant way.. hahaha.. every 1 hr of math can be used to redeem 1/2hr of Running Man.. lol.. and grace will help mark the papers and explain to her. In exchange both kids get to watch their fav show on Sunday. The first few weeks were crazy, the kid ended up clocking close to 5-6hrs per week! And she finished doing a hand me down assessment book. I remembered two mths ago, they rushed to my room to say there isn’t any more Math to do and if they could go down to popular to get a new book! Wow wow! The enthusiasm was mind blowing and to be honest I was skeptical. But I figured it was a small price to pay to be supportive.. hahaha.. so each gotten a new math assessment book, and continued the routine! 

Today I realize even that book is almost finished! lol.. she has automatically gotten used to a routine to clear her hrs just so that they can watch their fav show. Such is a classic example of “Understanding ur Why”.. hahahaa.. 

Thankful for her sudden change . Thankful for my new pair of eyes . Thankful to be able to do my hobby once again. 

Where did my bun bun go?

It’s the Mar holidays so we took time off to spend with the twins. This morning was supposed to be cycling with grace but last minute, both of them said they would preferred to watch an anime movie. So off they went. 

Had lunch at HDL before we splitted ways. I took grace to Chinatown coz she needed to get some crochet supplies. Suddenly dawn on me, she’s now a tween, and not the “bun bun” we called each other affectionately. Why did I take so long to realize it? She’s quite often the “forgotten child” coz she never had problems academically + have quite a lot of friends + doesn’t have as much meltdowns. So quite easily, I’ll forget. And it suddenly struck me that I’ve definitely lost a lot of time with her. 

I wished I could turn back the clock. 

This is us this afternoon. She used to spam my phone with 2000 of her photos and always I’ll remove all, leaving one or two of them. 

Us in may 2021, when she still loves taking 2000 selfies. 

She doesn’t complains even when she doesn’t receive as much attention or time with me. Most of the time I “fire fight” with the other kids or with work. She just does her own things. And now her addiction is probably the phone or computer. Something we need to work on. 

Just had a night chat with Joy - the teenager who I hardly see nowadays. Her schedule is so crazy packed that I wonder if she knows her first priority is still A levels, and not build an exciting and colourful CCA portfolio. She’s running for council, and to be honest, I hope she doesn’t get it. Too much work, with no pay. JM says she’s probably very much like her mom - the drive and the crazy schedule 😳.. anyway while hearing her campaign and conflicts etc, I wonder when will the twins reach this stage where I can b confident and comfortable with them. When can we chat like friends and I can b 放心 with everything ? 

We also went to the night safari this evening. The twins have been requesting for this for a long time. When we finally completed the whole tram ride + show, I asked the twins when was the last time we were here. They clearly wasn’t impressed with the whole event - a sign of “Aging”. They have outgrown it. 🤣🤣🤣 And so when I tried recalling the time we brought them here (coz we only came once!) I remember it was before Covid, so it’s probably in 2019 when they were P1! Gasp! Certainly didn’t expect that their request has been postponed for so long. And all of a sudden, the mum guilt overwhelmed me. I felt bad, for neglecting them and not doing all the activities we should do as a family. They said that they aren’t interested to come here again, and that maybe we could just renew our zoo membership. Asked them where they would like to go, and we will try to go before they outgrow it again. And they said USS! So I guess we will bring them there in June. 

Ended the night with Mac. 

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Saying goodbye for my deeply sensitive child

One morning while Vera and I were spending our special one on one, I told Vera excitedly that we have finally found a buyer for the bunk bed. Her heart sank. She was under the impression that the bunk bed was going to her brother’s (which was the initial plan until we realize that his tiny room wasn’t able to fit). Our mistake for not updating her too. I honestly didn’t expect that we would be able to find a buyer so fast. 

Anyway, my deeply sensitive child was feeling super super sad. You could see the deep anguish in her eyes and overall body language. She wasn’t sulking or throwing a tantrum etc. She was just sad and quiet. The me one year ago would probably say “ Can you not be so drama? Just tell me what’s wrong with you etc!!” .. 

This was what I did. I patted her on her back, look at her eye to eye and said the following:

Me: “My dear, I know you are feeling sad over the bunk bed. I know you are EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to it. And farewells are hard. I know. Shall we do a farewell party for the bed? We could take some pictures with it, say a prayer, and do a sleepover together this weekend?”

Vera: she shrugged 

Me: You can think abt the ways we can do the farewell. Just like how we recently held a funeral for yr shoes (too small) and my slippers. 妈妈知道你不舍得离开你的床 but Unfortunately, our new place does not have the space for it.

I gave her a moment to digest. 

She agrees to the sale. (Coz I was prepared to tell William not to do it if she really can’t handle)

By lunch time, she was fine. 

These were photos we took the night before the movers came. I was unfortunately unable to be around due to a late night zoom 🥹 but I’m glad that William and I both acknowledged her feelings. 

When I came back, I ask Joy why she wasn’t in the picture, she 🙄🙄🙄 and said “it’s just a bed Mom”. 

Every child is unique and special. I’m starting to enjoy my time with this special child. 

Fast forward to today, the movers came and over dinner we had a conversation.

Me: “so vera what do u feel now?”

Vera: mummy! My room is so big now!!! I’m so happy! 

I’m so glad that we turned something sad into a teachable and sweet memory for all of us. She has taught me how to be more sensitive towards her feelings and emotions, something all of us used to brush off easily. 

Feeling proud of my progress as a parent. Wouldn’t have been possible if Shu hadn’t given me some pointers on how to relate to deeply sensitive kids. So thankful that our paths crossed 🥰

Day 2

Last night was bad. Joash woke up at 3am and only zz 2hrs later after I screamed at him. 🥹🥹 The thought of bringing him for a car ride did cross my mind but I’m afraid of it’s repercussions. He is obviously bullying me and the helper. Haiz…felt really bad that I was incompetent to make him zzz. That I had to resort to violence or scolding. And even after that I hardly zzz coz it was really too squeeze for 3 pax on the bed. He woke up at 7, and vera hug him to zzz so that I could have more space. They woke up by 9 and she took the morning shift while I zz for a while longer. I’m thankful for her, such is the merits of having a highly sensitive child I guess. Never saw it as a virtue until last yr. 

Had wanted to bring them to the outdoor water play but helper says that Joash seems to have diarrhoea and soft poop which means we are grounded. Gave him some meds. Will bring him to the pd and most likely no sch😭😭😭

人老了。每当需要熬夜，隔天起来不管睡多少都觉得不够。 Finally understood why uncle pig always rejected my proposals for weekend excursions bcoz he’s always too tired from all the night duties. 

Had lunch at home before bringing the two girls out to study. 

As much as I wanna take a nap, I know Joash wouldn’t zzz if I’m around. And vera definitely is more well behaved studying outside. So here we are. 

Day 1 of solo parenting

Day 1 went by pretty smoothly. The boy only woke up at 6am, had his milk and we both zzz on my bed til 830am. (Never has he managed to successfully co sleep with me on my bed)

Since both of us were feeling quite energetic, I decided to bring the twins and him to River Wonders. The original intention was the zoo but decided not to overkill myself just on the first day of the week. 

The excursion went pretty well. I’m not sure if it’s bcoz Joash was around, but for the first time, I honestly felt that the twins were of good help on the trip. Each took turns to either push the pram or carry the diaper bag or carry the boy so that he could see the animals in sight. I didn’t do much besides the driving. 

River wonders is my favourite place out of the 4 parks, bcoz it’s mostly sheltered and air con! So even if the weather isn’t good, we will be fine! 

Didn’t manage to capture a pic of the kids with the real pandas today but it’s fine. I can bring them along another day, even if William isn’t around. 

Had a bit of delay on the way back coz I needed to update my IU since I just renewed my annual pass. The whole office was flooded with people. Just as I was abt to give up on the wait, Grace managed to speak to one of the counter staff who kindly helped us, even though we missed our queue number long ago. (I think the staff gave chance bcoz Grace was a kid.. hahah)

#proudmama 

Both girls are special in their own ways and I also took the chance to explain to Vera during our night chat just now. Told her that I can be very 放心 to leave didi and her alone at home, or bring both of them out anytime. She is a good caregiver. She has the heart and patience for her little bro. However she is struggling academically. 

Grace on the other hand, has a strong understanding in her studies. She hardly revises her work, but becoz she’s smart, she understands the concepts easily. At least academically la.. and never afraid to speak up for her little sister. But she isn’t strong in caring for her little bro. They fight nowadays. Lol.. coz both wants the same thing and neither wants to budge. 

Took the twins out in the afternoon coz grace needed to borrow some books while I wanted to go thru some math revision with Vera. 

I never thought that our r/S would improve by so much. If you asked me a year ago, I probably would feel uneasy if she says she wanna follow me home instead of following grace to do a sleepover at my mom’s place. But today when she said it, I felt 

at peace. 

Thankful 🥹 

Just spend some time chit chatting with the teenager who only reached home at 11pm. Gotten remind myself to chat with her more frequently. Quite irked that I had to wait for her today who Clearly forgotten to apply for late extension or bring her keys. But glad I didn’t jump at her but took some time to hear her day.

Feeling really fulfilled by how today went. Really thankful for God’s covering upon me. 

Praying that Joash and I can zzz well tonight coz Vera is co sleeping with us tonight. And she is loud 🤦‍♀️

Thankfulness

 

Waiting for my prospect to arrive. I’m an hr early. Coz I buffered too much time to say goodbye to the little baby. But as I told him “mama is going to work”, he nod his head and rush to the door. I told him that he’s going to help me press the lift before going home. He nod again. (Though I was still doubting how much he actually comprehend). I open the door for him, he ran out, pressed the lift and went back into the house and wave goodbye to me. 

I certainly didn’t expect the cheerful farewell. After all, his sisters are had their loud and dramatic way of saying goodbyes. To be honest, I was shocked and a little sad. But I guess this is good for all of us. This is day 2 of saying our goodbyes properly instead of hiding/ distracting him while I plan my escape route. 

Thankful for this little boy in our lives. He has helped me see more aspects of Vera than before. She is different and nothing like her two sisters. And I need to collect the bullets on her good days so that I can use them when the next explosion arises. 

Thankful that we are very much alive and healthy; thankful for family. Thankful that I have work today. Looking forward to cny.

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭

“I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭18‬:‭1‬-‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.18.1-2.NIV

P/S: the prospect asked if I enjoyed my job, and I think I gave her too much honesty for a first appt. At this juncture, I don’t hate my job, but I’m not loving it passionately like when I first started. I probably should have asked her back, coz then it would put things in perspective. A lot of times, I think we put too much feelings / emotions into our work compared to salaried workers. 

Entering 2023

The last day of 2022 ended with a massive meltdown from Vera, like a volcano eruption that hasn’t happened for a long while. As much as I tried, it completely consumed both of us. Joash saw the whole episode and it left him in tears during it and throughout the whole night. 

I felt defeated. 

Defeated that I fell short in so many ways. That I lacked the wisdom and patience to dissect the bomb. I felt incompetent, that I wasn’t spending the last few days doing fun and memorable things with my kids. My social media feeds are flooded with mummies bringing their kids to here or there; showing how capable they are. But here I am, soaked with tears and wishing Thanos would snap me away. 

I wished God would take me away. I wished food could provide some comfort but it didn’t. Logged off my social media and archived some of the group chats coz it was just too much for me.

I know this too shall pass. And I’m a lot more than this. But at this juncture, it’s just HARD. Hard to remember that everyone is different. That for the areas that I aren’t good at, I should look at the areas I am. That I should love myself more and give myself more credit. 

雨过就会天晴吗？

 

This is probably what I feel currently. Thunderstorms and a heavy downpour that one will be drenched even with an umbrella. 

I want to remember that God will always be our biggest shelter and He is always there for us. But in reality, it is a struggle. My emotions got the better of me and I felt so depressed. I honestly haven’t felt so down for a long long time, and not even food could help perk me up. 

Praying that I’ll walk out of the tunnel soon. 

Started a new project today coz I clearly needed some distraction or stress reliever. Clearly forgotten that I had promised Vera that I’ll stitch something for her for Xmas until Sunday when she reminded me.

I’m thankful for the reminder coz the stitching helped me feel a lot better. Can u guess what this project is abt ?

Lying

 It’s been a long day for me. Long day at work, then came home and brought the kids for a swim. Had dinner then while doing spelling / 听写 with vera, I was just chatting w grace… 

Me: why is it that u don’t ever have spelling / 听写？

Grace : I don’t know. Oh mayb I have (and proceed to go take her book

Me: why is it that I don’t get to sign ur spelling / 听写？

Grace : dunno. Shrug her shoulder but her guilt all over her face.

Me: grace have u been lying to us all these while? 

Grace : proceeds to stomp into her room 

I bite my lips and took 3 long breaths. My immediate thoughts were actually “if wanna lie, why don’t lie forever? Why must let me discover?”  

This is the second big lie episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Recently found out that she has been sneaking the common hp into her room when we zzz and watching YouTube on it. We found out coz William saw her holding on to the hp middle of the night. And when I confronted her, she attempted to cover up by lying more 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

来了。Her lying stage has arrived. Joy phrase started at P1 and I was on standby mode when the twins were at that age but it didn’t happen. P2 came and still nothing happened. By P3, I thought mayb don’t have. Not even sure if they had or mayb they did lied but I wasn’t smart enough to discover. 

Bcoz it wasn’t my first time, I didn’t explode as bad. At least for grace first time. Mayb today i was tired, mayb bcoz it’s her second time and it’s back to back, I exploded. My heart broke. I did the wrong thing. I caned her in front of her sisters. She didn’t even retaliate. Just stood there and let me hit her. 😭😭😭

I know I let the anger took control. I shouldn’t have. 

We cried together after that. I apologised to her. Also told her how I used to lie too, and how her grandma would spank me big big time. She was shocked. Coz she felt that my mom and I are so close now. I told her that despite it all, I know grandma loved me. And now despite of what grace  has done today, I still love you. It’s like how God loves us, despite our shortcomings. And if she’s willing, we can work this out tog. 

We eventually kissed and make up. Mayb I hadn’t spend enough time with her this period of time. Mayb I was too engrossed with diffusing Vera’s bombs. 

Vera exploded subsequently, and by then I had no more energy / brain wave to handle it. Feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to cope, and at the same time wishing he could do more. He just asked if I could log out of the common iPad ; so that he can use his login. While vera was crying big big tears. I don’t know if it’s a man thing ; or has he regressed to being a child too? Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. It’s just difficult today. 

Easily triggered

Just a quick update. It’s been a week since my change in my attitude towards vera. I could see a vast improvement in her behaviour as well as our r/s. 

It’s also a lot to do with perceptions I guess. If you think the worst of her, the way I treat her would naturally correlate to that as well. But if I think it as she’s struggling to manage her emotions and the correct words, then I’ll help her in a better way. I don’t know why I took so long to realize this but I’m glad I do now. She hasn’t had much episodes this week, bcoz most of the time I could catch it at it’s infancy and we could ride it out together. Even the mini explosion that happened while I was showering and she had it with William; I could resolve it while William went to shower. And she apologised for her actions after that. If it’s the usual, it probably will take hrs the very least. But today, it was a 10-15 mins affair. 

Now that I’m more sensitive towards her, I realize that verbal language is really not her thing. I can’t remember the last time she said “I love you” to either of us. She said it was last year when I tricked her into saying (but I don’t recall). The fact that she remembers probably also means that she struggled so she remembers. Saying sorry is tough for her too but not as tough as “I love you” coz I don’t punish kids for not saying the latter.. hahahah.. 

We are still WIP, but at least we are moving in the right direction together. We even did math together today! She managed to solve one qn on her own. I helped her with the other qn but yes, one all by herself. 

Talking abt perceptions and triggers; I guess the same applies to me too. I get offended / triggered easily when some people mentioned certain topics etc. Like if my kids always feel that I’m the parent that has more free time or when friends say things like how will I 放心 to let the helper do certain things etc.. or and yes qns like “I’m breastfeeding still” etc .. 

So just like my attitude / perception towards vera ; I need to similarly change that towards all my triggers. If I could do that then it’s a personal improvement for myself. 

Just like this pic.. do you see the young lady or old woman? Others who don’t see the same light as me doesn’t naturally means that they are wrong and likewise. 

In other news, I completed this! Like finally! This took about 3 weeks. Have ordered a new kit and can’t wait! Hahaha

Documenting small wins (part 2)

Last night over dinner, vera was upset. Coz she went to shower and we started dinner without her. She was clearly upset. 

This morning while I was brushing her hair, I took the chance to talk about last night again. I asked her if she was upset bcoz we didn’t wait for her and she nodded. I apologise for our mistake and told her that we will try to wait for everyone moving forward. She didn’t fuss much during brushing hair today, to which I’m thankful. I promised to tie her favourite hairstyle for her today coz she has church. 

Some kids are better with expressing themselves but clearly vera is not one of them. It takes a lot from her to even verbal simple things that I’ve taken for granted; or never noticed. And her “childish acts” were all cues for attention; like “ MAMA!! Look at me! I need you NOW!” 

I can’t say that I’m an expert now but I hope that God give me the patience to pay attention to her needs and cues; and wisdom to balance my time among the kids. Coz as much as I wanna spot all her cues and episodes; Grace is brewing an episode on her own when she feels that mama is always talking to vera. 

God, give me the wisdom and patience to manage it all. I know my limitations but I pray that U help me pull thru it all.

Wanna also thank my therapist friend, Shu, for pointing out to me. I always thought that Vera was being difficult; that she is here to “bully” me. But in fact, she’s just different. Her ways of expressing herself is different compared to her siblings. Parenting isn’t a one size fits all, but I believe that Love and patience will help improve it all.

May you be given more and more of God’s kindness, peace, and love. - Jude 1:2 TLB

Documenting small wins

Just wanna record today’s small wins with vera.. 

This morning, after dropping Joash in school, I saw vera lazing on the sofa; clearly woken up for a while but yet to brush her teeth or change out of her pjs. I asked her ( in my angelic voice ) to brush her teeth. She just whined. And this repeated again for 3 times. The words were on my lips, but I reminded myself of what my friend said - that’s she’s struggling with her big emotions and that I should give her time and a safe space to express her emotions. I waited. I looked her in the eye and told her that if she would like, I could walk with her to the toilet so that she could brush her teeth. She nods. After she was done, I realize it wasn’t clean enough. So I had to tell her to do it AGAIN. She was clearly upset. I stroked her and explained to her that bcoz her teeth are bigger than usual, that’s why she has to take special care to make sure each tooth is thoroughly clean. She whined and whined. I bite my lips (again). I could either react by saying “U are 10 yr old, can u start behaving like one?” Or I can respond by saying “I understand that it’s annoying to have to do it again, but if you would like, mama will hold yr hand and walk to the toilet so that you could brush it again”. I did the latter. To be honest, I am surprised by my own reactions. And I’m going to give myself a pat . It takes extra work and patience. And despite this, she continued to have a few episodes. 

Before leaving the house for lunch, I could see her emotions about to erupt again - coz William was doing room cleaning with her and she needed to clean up her clutter. I on the other hand, wanted to brush her hair. While we were brushing her hair, she whine and cried again. Not those big big tears cry but it was soft cry. I asked her why, what happened? She said it was painful. I gave her a hug. I explained to her coz her hair is curly and she seldom comb (bcoz it’s always tangle) and thus we need to comb .. and perhaps we could just trim a little etc. she was okie when I was done and cleaned her snot on me. 

Documenting this today to remind myself that I need to be especially sensitive towards my little princess; that my responses towards her could either lead to a bomb explosion or a successful bomb dismantle. My friend says she’s proud of me; that I’ve become a 拆弹专家。

I know this isn’t going to be the last of such incidents but I’m thankful for the small win today. She is happy now. She waited for me to b back with my food at the hawker centre while the rest started eating. It’s her way of expressing her love. I know. I love you too my dear princess. We can overcome all these together!

L.O.V.E

About two weeks ago, Grace told me that she missed the One on one date we did last December and asked if we could do it again now that J is in ifc. I couldn’t find a reason to say no and thus began this week’s one on one date. 

Honestly, going out with her is comfortable. She is independent, reliable and her moods are stable. We went to Jewel, had lunch followed by a movie. It was nice to chit chat and check on this little girl and how this year, she made new friends and her current BFF is Kate and both of them are bookworms. 

And today I brought the other twin for her one on one. To be honest, I felt jittery for a few days. Because she isn’t as easy? Mayb 一物克一物，如果我是石头，那她一定就是我命中的布吧。

Thought we took the bus to PLQ instead of the train coz the latter would require us to change once. Bad choice coz she was whining throughout the bus ride.. haiz.. the morning barely started and I’m tired already. It was a lot of “I want this, I want that.” and by the time we finished our lunch and movie, I just wanted to go home.

Can see her sian face on the bus? Anyway I came home and took a nap and felt so much better. I wished I could be as comfortable with her as I am with her other two sisters. Maybe time will tell. Maybe I need more practice.  

Going on my date with Joy coming Monday. And that wraps up the Dec holidays and 2021.

Eventful 24hrs

I posted this on my fb but thought I leave an entry here to remind myself how great God has been in protecting me and my household. And of coz this is a more detailed and elaborate one since this is my personal blog. The story goes like this .. 

On Tuesday afternoon on the way home walking with Joy, I twisted my left ankle and fell to the pavement. I had a bad landing and my right knee grazed the hard solid ground. I could feel the blood on the open right knee. Joy was in shock and ask me to get up but I couldn’t. My hands had also scratched the floor and both ankles were sprained; my right calf hurts badly and so does my back. I told her I needed time before I could get up. Being a veteran in falls, I know that there is no need to rush to getting up. Took my time and considered a few options:

1) call a cab / ask William to bring us home coz it’s still another 10 mins walk but where I landed was just after a highway. It was impossible to call a cab. As for calling William , for him to rescue it also meant he needs to make a big big detour before he would reach us. Option not possible.

2) call ambulance

- honestly this thought went thru my mind but it felt super guazhang plus I was due for my pump. I needed to go home pump. If I took this route, it probably means another few hrs away. Nah 

3) sit and wait til I was better

- that’s what I did and once I got up, I could lean on Joy and we began to walk home. 

I wanna shoot myself coz this pair of shoes have always make me twist my ankle. This isn’t the first time but I like how comfortable it was and how I could wear for causal / work. So I’ve been repurchasing this pattern for several yrs. As I recall now, I’ve fallen in this series for at least 3 separate occasions so yes, good bye shoes. 

Once we reach home, I washed up and William attended to my wounds. By now I could no longer walk without hurting myself. Even wearing my pants while sitting down was not possible. 

Can see the bruised ankle also ? And can I say that William was so gentle in doing the dressing but it still hurts big time. (Okie, I also happened to have Low tolerance for pain, so ya)

And becoz I was completed immobile, it meant he had to take the night shift. Joash hasn’t sttn. In fact he is more punctual in his night feeds compared to his day feeds. So I had a really peaceful night (haha.. woke up to pump and zzz straight). 

The next morning, he had to do the usual morning routine which is to drop the 3 girls at their school. In addition, it was also Joash vaccination. And bcoz I was still immobile, it meant one trip with 4 kids. I bade goodbye to time and went to zzz more.. hahaha.. I had some rest la despite the leg being super pain in certain positions. 

Then when they were done, he came to pick me up . My turn to see doc; change dressing and collected some meds. On hindsight I should have just seen a doctor on the night itself but I didn’t wanna see a locum. Aiya but today went to clinic at 11am , the doc left liaoz.. argh.. in the end went to my childhood gp..hahaha.. change and all’s good. 

By then had lunch and pick girls and headed home. Time 145pm 

330pm we left again; this time to see an ifc for Joash (yes, we concluded that ifc is required / necessary to give us sanity). Done with the sch tour but sadly sch wasn’t a good fit for us. Dropped me and Joash before he bring twins to minton for swim class. 

630pm papa and twins came home; dinner 

730pm grace swallowed fish bone and we tried to get her to swallow some rice and water. It didn’t work but she didn’t say much . Okie we wait and see. I go to the room to prepare for zoom. Joash has slight fever

745pm William asked for the dosage which I stared back at him. Coz usually the nurse will say the dosage but coz I wasn’t there, no one told him or he forgotten to ask. Tried calling pd, but he didn’t pick up. Lol..

750pm I hear a hysterical baby crying and his sisters trying their best to pacify him. Mr choo was in a dazed alrdy. He says his head is spinning aka he is fainting. I tell him to go lie on the couch. Cancelled my zooms. SOS some mommies on the recommended dosage etc. Managed to administer meds. Yeah ! By then William was gone. It’s not the first time it has happened. It’s his body telling him that he need rest. So I just let him lay on the couch. 

Oh before he fainted, he told Joy to go get dressings for me coz my knee’s having a period and overflowing like crazy liaoz.. so nice to have a teenager at home.

I went to close cranky Joash. Received the following text

At this moment, my heart is 满满的感恩.. what have I done to deserve this love from her. I’m so grateful really. 

After settling the baby, came out and walked into Grace room only to see her sitting up, in darkness hugging her giraffe.. she was in pain but she knows our hands are tight. I asked her if she would like to see a doctor immediately and she said yes. Told her to get dresssed and we will head down. 

Asked William to go into the room to zzz. Joy says she will hold fort at home and call me if anything. 

Prayed that kkh q wouldn’t b crazy. Thankfully it wasn’t. The nice doctors tried to find the bone and even did an x ray but no bone to be found. Oh well, came back home but at least Grace felt more at rest. She also got a free pass at home for the next 2 days. Lol.. 

At kkh 

Came home and joy was just done preparing her bf. I had to eat something before I could take my meds so she chatted with me. Shooed her to bed at 1130pm. 

Photo update from joy while I was at kkh.. haha 

It’s an eventful 24hrs but I’m so thankful that my girls have raised to the occasion. Really. 长大了也会开始体谅家人. Really thankful. 

Going to bed now. Showered, pump and also Just fed Joash his midnight milk . Tired but God’s protection and covering is with us every step of the way. A lot of things could have gone a lot worse but it didn’t. 

Tomorrow is a long day but I’ve cancelled my work appts. So hopefully that would help. 

Praying that the right ifc comes along soon. 

My work and I

Financial planning starts early. While I was preparing for my case today, Vera came over and ask what exactly do I do for work. So I wanted to tell her exactly what I’m doing. Bcoz it’s a rare thing that they are curious. Below is our conversation:

Vera: “ Mama, what exactly do u do?”

Me: “Well baby, I’m a financial adviser and I help people plan their monies.”

Vera: “Dont they know how to plan their monies?”

Me: “Well, my job is to help them grow their monies so that they become bigger and bigger” 

Vera: “ You mean like putting it in the bank for them?” 

Me: I smile and decided to draw a simplified drawing of what I was planning for my client. 

Her eyes sparkled when she saw how monies would multiply with time and said she also want to get this.. hahaha.. but when she realize it means waiting for a good 20yrs, the usual objections come out liaoz..hahaha.. 

“20 yrs is a long time.”

“Why would I need the money then ?”

“Can we do a shorter term?”

I was so delighted when she ask all those questions.. hahaha..

I told her that well, I could consider her concerns and customise something for her tomorrow night because I would need time to prepare something suitable for her. 

When I first started this job, my trainer always says that if you can sell successfully to a child, you would be able to sell it to anyone. That’s why I used to present to Sharon, my kid sister, who’s abt Vera’s age now. It’s like déjà vu and reigniting my passion and why I feel that financial planning is an important aspect of life and why it’s so easily misunderstood. 

Looking forward to the little conversation with the kids tomorrow.

Bible verse

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such a timely reminder.. Just wanna embrace this verse and remind myself that God is in control. All will happen in His own timing, and in His plans. 

It has been a hectic week, with grace coming down with stomach flu since Tuesday and joy with a sprained waist on Wednesday. I know william still has a bucket list of things to complete and the only thing I can help is to sleep and rest. I know, and I’m trying. But once every few days, insomnia hits me like a good friend, just like tonight. 

The room is peace and quiet, with joy and Vera. But my mind just wonders and wonders. It almost doze off for a while and then something will suddenly jolt me wide awake. 

I know I need to zzz early bcoz Tom is public holiday and I need all the rest or else I’ll start screaming at the girls again.. 

Thankful for this beautiful verse. Will go and try to zz again.

Mama Duties

Day 0 (Sunday)

The man went for his cruise. The twins and I dropped him off at the guardhouse before we took the bus to Nex. Thought I bring them out for a nice lunch and library before coming back home. 

Also wanted to spend some alone time with both of them since I was free on Sunday. We headed to library first since it was still early. 

Vera reading her scientist magazine while waiting for Grace to be done with her books. 

I was exhausted just by library itself.. lol.. not that there was any tantrums etc. In fact, the whole trip has been fantastic. The twins were super sweet, and Vera always make sure she holds my hand, as I was walking v slowly. 

Our lunch at sweet tomato.. they chose the place bcoz it didn’t had any q. The other places needed to wait and their legs were exhausted from the walk. 

After lunch, we went to get some snacks and BBT before making our way home.

I felt so loved by them that I took this pic to remind myself that they are no longer tiny kiddos but have grown up to be caring, loving siblings..

Came home and they did some homework and that’s also the time when Vera started to have an itchy nose. Fed her some flu meds (just in case) 

I took a nap before going for a swim with grace . Part of my exercise regime, and also grace goal to reduce her weight also la.. haha.. she did 12 laps while I did my usual 20. It was nice to spend some one to one time alone with her, to catch up on her life etc. As we were heading back, I overestimated myself and tried to lift myself up from the pool and scratched my hand and pulled my muscle as well. Grace “piggy back” me in the pool to the ladder so that I could use it to come ashore safely.. lol.. got a scolding from her and the papa when he learnt of it. 

By night time, the itchy nose had developed into a low fever. So instead of the original plan of “clamping” in their room for the night, the twins had to zz in my room so that I could monitor her temp. 

Told the dad that she hardly fall sick.. so she must have missed her daddy so much🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️.. praying that the fever wouldn’t shoot too high late at night and that I could still push her to sch tomorrow morning.. 

And grace broke her new glasses ..haiz.. as if my Monday isn’t going to be busy enough..  taped it temporarily and left a msg at the optician to see when we could settle it. 

Day 1 : Monday 

The night went well.. fever didn’t come back though I was boxed by Vera several times. I was tempted to wake her up in the morning and shoo her to sch but grace says that nowadays even if it’s slight flu , the sch will send the kid home.. oh well.. guess I’ll just bring her to the PD and let her zzz in a bit.. dropped grace in school and told her to walk home on her own in case we are late..

In the cab on the way to PD.. I was tempted to drive but decided not to.. hahaha.. the tiny parking plus the huge car.. later the repair works is going to be more expensive than the cab fare..hahahaha 

And (drum roll) ..... 5 days MC..😭😭😭 bcoz Covid, so long as it’s respiratory issues, min 5days unless we do a swab. Vera was so happy, crying out for joy lo.. I’m crying also .. crying that God faster save me from this.. could it be that she picked up the bug at Nex yday? Praying silently that Grace doesn’t kena also.. I can barely handle one.. plus I have like 2 work zooms today.. and a few other appts the next few days with a sick kid at home .. 

Waiting for her expensive watermelon juice which she paid using her own monies.. her and her watermelon juice 

Came home and fed her meds.. of the 3, this is the kid that is most challenging staying at home.. coz she doesn’t enjoy reading, or have the motivation to study / revise etc ..

By mid day, I was exhausted 😴 and can’t wait for grace to come home to take over my shift. So thankful that at least I don’t need to worry abt meals. William had alrdy pre-instructed the helper what to cook on each day etc.. 

130pm : grace came back and she announced that Vera has a lot of homework !! 🥳🥳🥳 I’m so delighted .. hahahah.. coz I really need her to have some distractions so that I could start on my work or even take a nap .. grace saw my exhausted face and we did a shift change high 5.. thank God for grace .. 

By evening, after dinner and my zooms, I was exhausted.. exhausted bcoz Vera had tried to push all boundaries and all my buttons etc ..how am I going to survive the next 2 days !?? Only God knows .. and praying that God give me wisdom and patience to tahan it all.. told william that I’m not sure if he would still have 3 daughters by the time he comes back. I probably start skinning them alive tomorrow.. argh.. 

The guilt came in when I told J that I loved Vera most when she’s sound asleep next to me. Even hearing her snores is therapeutic..

Today wasn’t the most lousy day I had as a mom but it wasn’t great.. hopefully tomorrow will b better .. 

Mayb I should go swim after I drop grace tomorrow.. I probably need the extra endorphins more than anyone else now.. 

Yesterday was a fulfilling day. I went for a swim to burn some cny calories, did a FF via zoom, had a fruitful lunch with a colleague before meeting joy for the rest of the afternoon. 

It has become a mthly routine to spend the afternoon with her after sch, where she would go for her braces tightening and we would chat over coffee and cakes. Today was extended coz I needed to meet a client for a short appt at 5pm. So we had dinner before coming back. I thought I had spend a few good hrs with her, listening to her talk to me abt her world and the struggles she’s facing etc. I put on my listening ear, was careful not to pass any judgmental remarks, and just listened as a friend. As we head home on the bus, I asked her, her thoughts of us receiving a new family member. Bcoz I could sense that she wasn’t receptive, unlike her other 2 sisters who have started to embrace the fact and are actually looking forward to baby’s arrival. Her reply : “it’s the start of sleepless nights lo..” I was shocked. It was short, harsh and unkind. It felt that the whole world was about her. And this was after topping up her love tank! I didn’t say much bcoz I didn’t have the wisdom to handle it. I asked if she could look at it positively, like having a new addition also meant that we would most likely shift to a bigger place and she would b getting her much desired own room. I was desperate, as u can see. She shook her hand. Suddenly even her own space wasn’t enticing enough. 

It bothered me, coz among the 3 girls, I have to say that we spend the most time with her, always making sure that we cared abt her feelings when the twins came and even after that, we make deliberate efforts to spend one to one with her, but her comments made me realize that it seems it was never enough. It wasn’t enough despite that she alrdy had more attention than her single kid friends, or that her parents prioritise spending time with them over making more money. 

I told william abt it late at night. I felt disheartened that Joy was feeling so self entitled. I don’t know if it’s my fault that we are expecting baby J or it’s the kids of this generation. It seem like no amt of love was enough for her. And at that moment, I was feeling more guilty towards the twins coz they are often “compromised”. When we only had Joy, we travelled to so many countries, bringing her with us. When the twins came, the logistics and finances of bringing 3 young kids were too overwhelming that we either went to nearby countries and/or reduce the frequency of traveling. It was only the last 2 yrs before Covid that we started to travel more again. And with the latest addition, it probably meant that if we were to travel (again) for the company trips, it probably meant the 2 of us + baby J while the girls would b at home, fulfilling their sch requirements. 

It must be the hormones but I couldn't zz the whole night. Praying for wisdom for me to touch Joy, as well as God expand my heart, so that I could have enough LOVE for all 4 kids + my hubby.. hahah.. praying that the twins wouldn't have an advsere reaction when Baby J is here. The memory of Joy's reaction when the twins came is still raw in my mind. Probably make one to one session with the twins during the mar hols, and remembering that I need to spend time with them as well. God, grant me the time, the wisdom and patience to do it all.. in Jesus name i pray, amen!