悠闲

Forgot the last time where I could just do something non work related while waiting for Vera to finish her art class on a Saturday morning.

In fact I haven’t touched this for so long! Drowned in the outline stitching + shifting house + change company & role that I just kept it away. 

2024 I want to be able to set aside time for my own, to set aside protected time for my family as well. Work can wait and there will always be never ending work to complete. 

I find it so hard not to look at the approval case email out of the stipulated time that I said. It’s tempting to just want to clear it. But no, I shall use that pocket of time on me myself. 

休息是为了走更远。

I felt so loved and stunted yesterday when a girlfriend declared a revelation to the team. I certainly did not see it coming and was worried that she would get herself into trouble with the mgmt. 是因为心疼我，所以就说了。感受到她对我满满的宠爱，为我的打抱不平。因为有朋友的支持和鼓励、2024会更好！❤️

Reflections 2023

“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse came at the right time, when I was questioning myself what I shall do for 2024, and why I wanna do what I’m doing. 

A conversation with another adviser today reminded me of the core values/ reasons why I wanted to step up. And what my driving motivation will be. It was mainly to educate and enhance their skill sets so that each of them will be able to be more confident in front of their clients. My objective is to up their skills, something I lost direction of in the midst of the few mths. lol… and WHY im doing this is simply to PAY IT FORWARD. 

2024 I hope I stay grounded in my core values. That I wouldn’t look left and right and be the fomo manager who wanna do 101 things and lose sight of what is most impt. People who decided to join me, didn’t join me bcoz I was a fun person to be with, or bcoz I was good at arranging for team bonding activities. They joined bcoz they wanted to know what I have in my skills bag, and as long as I continue to just share what I do generally for my own clients, and if they follow suit, then they should be fine too. Those who decide not to, no matter what I do, they wouldn’t. So I shan’t let them affect me too. 

Mind blowing revelation at 143am.. 

Even though it’s a Sleepless night again. 

Not sure if it was bcoz of the kopi O at 2pm, or was it the fact that this is the last week of the yr and I’ve finally going to have some rest etc.. 

I only have a morning zoom on Fri and That’s it for 2023. What an eventful 2023. So many things I thought not do-able, I’ve managed to step out of my comfort zone to try. I don’t dare say I’ve excelled in all, but at least I’ve tried. I do hope that by this time next yr, I can confidently say that my babies haven’t made the wrong choice in choosing me.. hahaha.. 

Perhaps I should start doing my reflections for 2023 since I’m still wide awake. 

Reflections 2023

1) Work

- I don’t have the final sales figures yet, but I think it should be abt 600 apples thereabouts. Not too bad, considering that we transited in Jul plus I had the extra exciting role. 

2) Weight 

- I gained weight .. haiz.. the gym made me eat more. I’m back to my weight in jul 2022.. sian.. I do hope that I’ll go back to the gym in 2024 and probably cut down on my traveling. 

- traveling makes my work schedule haywire, and makes me reluctant to head to the gym too.. hahaha.. excuses but ya.. 

3) Family 

- relationships w vera definitely got better. The occasional “math with mama” definitely helped improve both her math plus our r/s. Thank god! Next yr she has requested for math tuition at the centre so I’m thankful that it’s not entirely up to me to coach. 

-  Joash is definitely starting to have his tantrums and challenges. In fact just a few days ago, I was thinking.. if we hadn’t had him, I wouldn’t need to keep having a headache on if I should encash my work trips or bring the two men along etc. But I know God has his reasons for giving us 4 kids and it’s a blessing that I’m grateful for. 

- the two older kids are more reliable and 让我很放心。

- Hopefully 2024 I’ll try to make time for each of them again. 

That shall be it for now coz 周公终于来找我了. Good night !

Checkmate!

I don’t remember the last time we quarrelled on Xmas day. 

He felt frustrated coz the twins and their cousins were glued to the TV but Joash was bored. Eventually he flared up at the twins and we all left for home. 

In the car, he was still fuming mad. Even after the twins apologised for their behaviour, every cell in him was still 😡. I was angry at him being angry. 

I mean what more do u wan la.. and he kept going on and on abt “next time no more xxxx..” which irks me coz don’t pull empty threats when we all know it will never happen. Eventually the kids will realize those are empty shells and be no longer afraid of them anyways. I rather you pulled sustainable threats, threats that can be fulfilled.

Anyway I eventually yelled at him and ask him what more does he want, coz he definitely has ruined everyone’s evening, esp on Xmas day. 

I rem going into Joash room to make him zzz, crying silently. By the time I was done, the girls were in their respective rooms and no man in sight. He has disappeared or walked out on us, leaving behind his hp. 

Rage filled me. I text him a few msgs coz I suddenly rem he might be able to see it on his smart watch. Eventually I switch off his hp and hid it. “Since he doesn’t need his hp, then he doesn’t need one.” - that was what was going thru my mind. I wanted to put it into the freezer but my logical mind told myself that I will end up paying for the new phone. There were more creative places that I wanted to put in, like inside his boots, or on top of the Nespresso machine. But at that point in time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to find the hidden treasure so I simply kept it inside my cupboard. 

Rage turned into fear as the time passes by. I was now worried for his safety. Not that I fear he will be kidnapped. But more of what if he has a heart attack and doesn’t have his hp to call the ambulance (or-bi-good right, say my spiteful self).. I think my feelings are all over the place. 

Eventually he came back, in what seem like eternity. Relieved but still angry. 

My old self would have got into a battle of words, just like how the street fighters players K.O the opponent. But the me now understands that sparring will just drag the time further and both of us would b exhuasted. 

I simply covered my head with blanket and that was when I started to think logically of the options I have. I could flare up and explode, like the angry guy in “Inside out” or I could examine and ask myself what was I feeling upset abt.  I listed the things I was upset abt in my mind. I felt that the issues weren’t huge when I listed them calmly. 

He moved his first step by placing a small pillow on my head. lol…the old me will just throw it back and explode la.. coz I had every right to do that when he disappeared ya… 

I considered my moves. I could do that or I could heave a sigh of relief and be thankful that at least he bothered to try pacify me. So I returned back playfully. 

Repeated for a few times and eventually we were good. 

I’m happy that I took charge of my own emotions and moves. I know that I shouldn’t let anyone make me feel xxxx. I’m responsible for myself. I can make myself happy, and I didn’t need someone else’s response to make me feel that.

It’s a huge step for people with big emotions. 

Flashbacks

Woke up at 3am to attend to Joash and even though he slept shortly after his milk, I ended up being wide awake til 5am! So dead.. 

Kept thinking abt the training I did in the morning and how I could have done this or that to make it better etc. I was all over the place and even though I wanna say / motivate the guys so much, I’m not sure if they ended up feeling that.. 🫠🫠 

And then the anxiety crept in, coz I have another sharing in the morning. I had think that the second one would be a lot easier, coz there were qns and I just need to answer them. But at this moment in time, I’m not sure if I could even do this confidently or inspiring. And if I screw up again, then how will I handle the mega company one next yr. 

I have an hr to sort myself out. Moments like this remind me of my anxious times before my client facing appointments. Right now, this definitely seems harder. But what do I have to lose or gain? That’s the annoying part hor.. what am I afraid of? At least for my clients appts, my pockets are directly connected with my “performance”. But as for my sharing, it’s not like I’ll get extra $$ if they work more or I get a lecture if the sharing is sub par. So what am I afraid of??! 不知道咯.. aiyo 

Praying that God provide the wisdom and words for me to go thru this morning. God, I pray that you help me get my act together. Change is uncomfortable. This is difficult for me. I feel like a fish out of the waters. And I pray that You give me the leap of faith to believe that all these are in Your plans, in Jesus name, Amen!

Lessons

Almost 5 months into the job, it has been a whirlwind of emotions. There are still many things to learn and pick up. But there are a few impt things that I wanna remind myself of, so I wouldn’t end up killing myself. 

Lesson #1: It is okay not to know everything. When unsure, just clarify / check before offering an answer. 

This was taught to me when I was a young adviser. The principle was simple. Instead of giving wrong info, just inform the client that you will get back to him / her. And make sure you revert back within the stipulated time. I guess a part of me have forgotten abt this long ago. 

Fast forward 20yrs, and now I have a group of advisers who are also my “clients” so to say. I need to remind myself that for qns that I already knew the answer, I will reply accordingly. For qns that I’m unsure of, it is okie to let them know that I will either check for them. Or I can empower them to check and update the group. 

There were instances I do feel crippled when I don’t have the answers on the spot. Like oh my 天, why don’t I know?! Oh why didn’t I ask this before etc? 

Sometimes I’m happy when they ask.  Coz at least this means they are working. 

Lesson #2: Tend to my own garden. 

There is no need to be the fomo manager or guilt trip myself when I’m not giving the same things to my babies. Every manager is different. And each have their own strengths. I might not be strong in certain areas but there are things that I can bring to the table to enhance my babies skills. 

People whom I’m close to, will know how hard this is for me. To believe in myself. I always said this - “I wish they sell confidence by the bottle.” Sometimes I look at some advisers / managers, and I wonder “他们哪来的勇气！” 

I save this link https://fb.watch/l6E0aQMzPk/?mibextid=jf9HGS  so that I can re-watch it whenever I go into a panic attack (which can happen quite frequently nowadays coz I’m heading FG every mth plus the massive training once every quarter)

Lesson #3: Don’t be so affected by what I see on social media/ people’s remarks 

Not everything on social media is real. A lot of things are quite on the contrary. Sometimes certain comments just get me triggered and it frustrates me when this happens. Like I could see a bomb about to explode and as much as I remind myself not to, I still get triggered. It frustrates me when I hear certain comments made, knowing that these people don’t feel that way. Like how fake can these people can. (Sorry God,I’m not a saint.) I 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 every time I hear certain remarks. And i know I’m not professional. Argh. This is a work in progress thing that is interlink with 2). 

Lesson #4: Set protected time 

These couple of mths, I’ve noticed that my work appts / emails have been creeping into my usual family time. Like coming sun morning I have a 9am zoom bcoz clients can only make it this time and I’m traveling (again) next week. I need to be more strict abt my family time. The hectic work quarter is over. Now work should be kept strictly during working time zones. 

I think that’s all for now.