心魔

The last week has been bad. Joash probably woke up at least twice every night. Today he woke up at 2 and finally at 5, decided he was done. The night before, he woke up twice but eventually we slept in til 7 before sending him to school. 

Days like that I just can’t make myself go to the gym. Sometimes it’s hard to explain to the people there that it’s hard to manage 4 kids + have an actual job and still workout. They feel that it’s all excuses 😳 . Well, yes and no. But sometimes it’s tiring trying. And majority of them have no kids, or kids who are much older. 

Anyway, sometimes it’s not so much what they say, but more of what I think they say which is triggering.. lol.. or mayb the lack of zzz is simply triggering la. 

Just like today, despite the craziness, I finally crawled there. A member asked why I wasn’t there yday, and I simply replied “coz I overslept. And why did I appear today? Coz I haven’t zzz yet!” .. 🤣🤣🤣 

I’m sure what I said was triggering too but I’m just too tired or can’t be bothered. And of coz my mind hasn’t been kind to me too. It probably poisoned my thoughts too. Then there were the comments where I posted abt eating Joash leftovers, which the only people that commented were the people from the gym lo..🫠🫠🫠  I’m sure people with no kids, they can choose what they want to eat, or even if they have, they can always throw away the leftovers. It’s just me lo.. 

Anyway despite it all, I was glad that I still went for my gym, did my pretty lashes and went for a work appt. At least my day was full til late afternoon. Cried myself to nap coz today’s her 20th death anniversary. 

时间过得好快。我很想你。你过得好吗？我已经不记得很多关于我们一起走过的日子。今天本想去看看你，可是我已经不是很记得你葬在哪了。Vera Huang Yan Ying, 我要记得你的名字。

Weekend blues

Cried so hard last night. It was almost bedtime and Vera mood swings got into me. It’s Sunday night which means in a couple of hrs, it’s school for her and she hates it. She’s struggling a lot with school ever since P5 and this yr. 

A chat with grace and she said that vera doesn’t like school coz her classmates are toxic. ☠️

I also noticed that she hasn’t been eating lately. She would say she doesn’t wan breakfast, and then skip recess and even after coming home, she only eat little for lunch. 

I had a chat with Vera and tried to offer comfort food for her breakfast. Eventually she decided on porridge. Also tried to understand why she’s feeling the way she is, but she isn’t saying much. I’m not sure if these are the pre signs of depression, or I’m simply reading too much into it. 

Or mayb the PSLE run is making her so stressed this yr. She always referred herself as the “dumb” one compared to her sisters, and sometimes we/ her sisters do make fun of her too. Haiz.. 

Then all of a sudden, while making Joash zz, I was afraid of losing her. Text William to go check on her when I was in the midst of Joash closing. But he said when he went into her room she was sound asleep. 

Dunno how to say this without sounding crazy. But I don’t want to be oblivious to my kids and lose them before I realize it’s too late. I have done 2 claims ever since I joined this line - my very closed friend and colleague when we first joined the biz; and my client’s kid 2yrs ago. And such instances/ news always hit me hard. Coz no one could have picked up the seriousness of the condition. It’s not like cancer or heart attack where the signs were more physically obvious, the signs of depression aren’t. 

Maybe I’m just thinking too much. Maybe it’s the weekend busyness that led me being super overwhelmed. 

I paused and did breathing exercises before deciding if I wanna be the screaming parent or be the connected parent. I’m glad, that I was intentional. I’m just praying that God continues to give me the wisdom and patience to guide my kids. I want to have an intentional and fulfilling relationship with all of them, even though it seems so hard all the time. 

“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.121.2.NIV

This is me - after a swim on a Monday afternoon. Waiting for the two men to join me. 

The swim did good to me. Or mayb becoz I haven’t seen my emo+sensitive kid yet. I did buy some donuts after my appt and hopefully that would help cheer them up. My relax work regime continues post-US trip. Right now, I’m still enjoying these precious moments but I know it’s only a matter of time before the anxieties crept in. 

Thankful that I exercised today. Let’s try to keep to the 4x exercise regime. Be it for my physical or mental health