A heart of thankfulness

Grateful that I have a husband that cares abt me and sensitive to my emotional attacks. We ended the night chatting even though he say he was tired. In fact he was on his sleep machine for a while before he switch it off and turned to me.

I wasn’t even upset with him. I was just processing myself. But he took the time, to be with me, to comfort me and that send tears gushing down. 😭😭😭

Just thankful that God is in this journey. 

I got to swim this morning. Really needed that dose of endorphins. 

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (‭‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34‬‬:‭17‬-‭18‬ ‭NIV11‬‬)

Emotional Challenges

I don’t like the me now. 

There are days when I’m grateful and count my blessings. But there are also days where the anxiety hits and the inability to do much frustrates me. And this is one of those days. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. In fact when I came into my blog yesterday, I realize it’s always been an outlet for me to rant but seldom to celebrate my wins. Shall take a mental note to write more of the wins moving forward. 

I know there are countless things to be grateful for. At least I have a husband who wouldn’t faint at the sight of my wound, one who accompanies me for almost all my visits, and one who painstakingly help me put “保鲜纸” all over my back, before helping me shower just so that I wouldn’t wet my wound. I know and I’m grateful for him. But sometimes, I’m guilty of bursting out at him too. 🥹🥹🥹

And today is one of those days I completely lose it. Not his fault. It’s a case of “he say, I say, I think he say and I think she say” etc. 

Thankfully I didn’t blow up to WW3. I burst out crying when I realize how cruel I’m treating this man who has been so exhausted holding the fort all this while. 

I know all this will come to pass one day. I know. 

This is just one of those days where everything seem a little bit harder. 

This is one of those days where I doubt my self worth. I know I’m a lot more than the working Lena Soon. I do. I really should pick up cross stitch again. Colouring and reading are just not the same. Lol. 

I contemplated if I should blog here coz then the few friends will be worried. Please don’t. I will be fine. Don’t ask. Just help me say a little prayer if you can 😘

Tapping Out

That was what I wanted to do last night- to tap out, tap out of life, tap out of work, tap out of friends etc. I went into a dark hole. And I was afraid, afraid that I might never walk out of it. My old friend has chosen to come visit when I’m most vulnerable and I could even see it in my eyes. How it’s controlling my mind and allowing it to eat me alive. I even started to think of the different permutations.

It comes and goes. There are days when I feel at peace and in control, but there were also nights when my emotions just overwhelmed me. 

I decided to do something that isn’t typical of me. Which was to go for a company lunch even though know I might end up sitting with unfamiliar faces. Even though it’s tiring to strike up conversations. 

But I went anyways. 

Coz I know I need to put a stop to all these. I need to walk out of my black hole. I need to make new friends. I need rely on the support of my old friends. They are there, there for me. And I know I can reach out and grab their hands if I allow myself to. 

I’m glad I did. Angela came along when she knew that I was coming. So thankful for that. 

We all have our different battles in life. Our challenges. And we can overcome it all, with the support of our loved ones. 

Weekend blues

Cried so hard last night. It was almost bedtime and Vera mood swings got into me. It’s Sunday night which means in a couple of hrs, it’s school for her and she hates it. She’s struggling a lot with school ever since P5 and this yr. 

A chat with grace and she said that vera doesn’t like school coz her classmates are toxic. ☠️

I also noticed that she hasn’t been eating lately. She would say she doesn’t wan breakfast, and then skip recess and even after coming home, she only eat little for lunch. 

I had a chat with Vera and tried to offer comfort food for her breakfast. Eventually she decided on porridge. Also tried to understand why she’s feeling the way she is, but she isn’t saying much. I’m not sure if these are the pre signs of depression, or I’m simply reading too much into it. 

Or mayb the PSLE run is making her so stressed this yr. She always referred herself as the “dumb” one compared to her sisters, and sometimes we/ her sisters do make fun of her too. Haiz.. 

Then all of a sudden, while making Joash zz, I was afraid of losing her. Text William to go check on her when I was in the midst of Joash closing. But he said when he went into her room she was sound asleep. 

Dunno how to say this without sounding crazy. But I don’t want to be oblivious to my kids and lose them before I realize it’s too late. I have done 2 claims ever since I joined this line - my very closed friend and colleague when we first joined the biz; and my client’s kid 2yrs ago. And such instances/ news always hit me hard. Coz no one could have picked up the seriousness of the condition. It’s not like cancer or heart attack where the signs were more physically obvious, the signs of depression aren’t. 

Maybe I’m just thinking too much. Maybe it’s the weekend busyness that led me being super overwhelmed. 

I paused and did breathing exercises before deciding if I wanna be the screaming parent or be the connected parent. I’m glad, that I was intentional. I’m just praying that God continues to give me the wisdom and patience to guide my kids. I want to have an intentional and fulfilling relationship with all of them, even though it seems so hard all the time. 

“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭121‬:‭2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.121.2.NIV

This is me - after a swim on a Monday afternoon. Waiting for the two men to join me. 

The swim did good to me. Or mayb becoz I haven’t seen my emo+sensitive kid yet. I did buy some donuts after my appt and hopefully that would help cheer them up. My relax work regime continues post-US trip. Right now, I’m still enjoying these precious moments but I know it’s only a matter of time before the anxieties crept in. 

Thankful that I exercised today. Let’s try to keep to the 4x exercise regime. Be it for my physical or mental health

Battling Depression

Today the world received news that Coco Lee lost her life to depression. 🥲

I’m not her fan, but each time such news come along, it hits me HARD. Depression is hard, be it for the patient or for her family and friends. It has no signs and sometimes can be deceiving that alls good. 

Depression is like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like it has left you, and you are all good, stable and happy. But the next moment, it creeps in like a sneaky enemy and bring you to the lowest valley possible. God is the safety belt on my roller roaster. I know He is my anchor, and a very stable safety belt. But I too, have my doubts and my low days. Days when I felt like cutting away the safety belt, days when I wonder how low my valleys will be and how long will it take for me to finally see light at the end of my tunnel. My prayer for myself, is to always know that God is always always there for me, for all of us, irregardless of whether you can see Him. 

我好想你，你过得好吗？

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.7.8.NIV

Haywire emotions

Been feeling super annoyed and depressed and emo coz the MIL is here. Somehow every time she’s here, my hormones go haywire. I need to have control of my own emotions instead of bursting for legit or stupid reasons. 

A part of me know that whatever she does or believes in, I shouldn’t let her affect me. That’s why I should control my own feelings. But I’m not God. I have a lot of flaws, especially when it comes to managing that side of the family. 

I just can’t forget how biased she is, against the father of my kids and against my kids too. How she used to call my kids “ 哭包” or other names, despite us reminding her that they actually have real names. It frustrates me too, when I see how she dote on Joash now - a classic example of how 重男轻女 the people of her generation is. I’m just thankful she isn’t the primary caregiver or stays with us long term, otherwise it would be so hard to insist on our parenting decisions.

She will be here with us for at least 2 weeks. Coz She needs to go for an eye op and it’s better than she stays with us for this period so that someone could attend to her needs. It frustrates me too, when the other son seems non committal on the whole entire incident! So much for doting on the other son. 😖

Omg 😳.. I know all these feelings I have bottled up, isn’t healthy for my own well being. I know. And I’m not helping William in any way, if I continue to be bitter and angst over it. But It’s so hard. 

My only solution is to pen this so that I reorganise my thoughts before I go home tonight. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.     

− Reinhold Niebuhr

Praying that God carry me in this journey. I honestly don’t feel like going for the gathering tomorrow coz I have no wavelength to make small talk or b understanding. I’m tired. I just wan my personal space back. 

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.42.11.NIV

Entering 2023

The last day of 2022 ended with a massive meltdown from Vera, like a volcano eruption that hasn’t happened for a long while. As much as I tried, it completely consumed both of us. Joash saw the whole episode and it left him in tears during it and throughout the whole night. 

I felt defeated. 

Defeated that I fell short in so many ways. That I lacked the wisdom and patience to dissect the bomb. I felt incompetent, that I wasn’t spending the last few days doing fun and memorable things with my kids. My social media feeds are flooded with mummies bringing their kids to here or there; showing how capable they are. But here I am, soaked with tears and wishing Thanos would snap me away. 

I wished God would take me away. I wished food could provide some comfort but it didn’t. Logged off my social media and archived some of the group chats coz it was just too much for me.

I know this too shall pass. And I’m a lot more than this. But at this juncture, it’s just HARD. Hard to remember that everyone is different. That for the areas that I aren’t good at, I should look at the areas I am. That I should love myself more and give myself more credit. 

Rough Monday

We had many episodes yesterday afternoon. I tried to be as understanding as I could, but she is struggling. Struggling to understand her own internal feelings, struggling to regulate herself, struggling to verbalise her thoughts. 

I tried but it was tiring. There were so many explosions that by the end of the day, I gave up too. I let William took over. I was frustrated. Frustrated bcoz I felt that he wasn’t doing enough. Why is it always me who has to manage the girls, when he is the homemaker or my co parent? The words were at the tip of my lips - “I will stop work and you can go out to work. We will live with whatever you can provide.” 

Instead, I bit my lips and prayed. Prayed for patience and prayed for peace. Prayed that God help carry us thru when it all seem impossibly difficult. 

I hid in Grace room after dinner coz it was too difficult. Cried while I was trying to do some not important work. Well, at least work brings food on the table. I have no idea why he seems so busy with his iPad and it has no contribution to the household. I wouldn’t b as pissed if he was sleeping, to be honest. 因为休息是为了走更远的路。 I’m tired that my work always suffer the brunt of it all. Perhaps wfh isn’t viable anymore. Perhaps going to office is a lot easier for me, for him for everyone. At least I wouldn’t see him on his iPad all the time. Or replying msgs to his jewel grp chat when he isn’t even 村长 anymore! I sold the place and just waiting to see when he intends to exit the annoying chat.. 

Received a text from a client late afternoon asking me if xxx bought plans from me for her kids. I told her to check w xxx directly as it’s P&C. Turns out that one of her kids just passed away and my client is helping out with all the funeral/logistics 🥹🥹🥹

It’s always heartbreaking when I hear news like that. And even more so after I entered parenthood. Dunno the details of what happened. Just praying for her and her family, that God be with them in this difficult times. Many a times we don’t understand why such things happen, or if we could have prevented it from happening. There’s many questions marks and even as a bystander, this piece of news is enough to want to hug my kids tonight more .. 

Time alone with God

 “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.5.niv

When I look back at the emotional rollercoasters I had during my first trimester, I didn’t know what came to me. Why I had behaved the way I did, or why my thoughts were always clouded with negativity and pessimism. I’m thankful for the support I received from my family and friends who knew I was struggling. I’m sorry that they had to put up with my nonsense and when I said nonsense, it’s really terrible nonsense. 

Coming into 19th week of my pregnancy, I’m a lot better now; be it emotionally or physically. I’ve started to do some work as well as trying to do my TAWG again. 

I’m fearful of what lies ahead, especially if I would fall back into the post natal depression pit. Thus I’m trying to record all these little victories so that when the time comes, I would b ready. Praying that God grant me wisdom to overcome my challenges, that I wouldn’t be consumed by my own self when the battles come. Praying that I always stay rooted in His word and remembering that He is with me in every step of my journey, in Jesus name I pray, amen! 

P/s: meeting a couple of friends for lunch this week.. yeah ! Happy moments 

Entering week 11

If there was 1 thing that I worry since the start of my pregnancy - it is the fear of an old friend visiting me again - Depression. Its not a secret that we've fought many times ; there were a couple of times that I remembered that I felt so low that ending it all seems easier and of coz there were times I knew I overcame it. And I remember how I felt so overwhelmed when I first had joy; the sleepless nights; or the mum's guilt of succumbing to formula when she had servere jaundice..the post natal depression came in full force as if to join a party. 

N last week was a low... emotional low .. its either the fear or the queasy nausea that made me felt 😣 

And it made matter worse when I announced in one of my grp chats when one of the members asked an innocent qn of How's everyone.. I regretted instantaneously. Of coz with a pregnancy announcement, everyone was overjoyed / happy for me. But I was struggling. Struggling to even feel ok. And the distorted perceptions ( rem grace taught me abt P.A.C.E? But I felt more like N.A.C.E) 

And I got frustrated la.. when I was just honestly saying abt my fears.. fears of being a old mother; fears that #4 would grow up lonely or fears that we might not be around before #4 is of age etc .. n this group of friends simply went on and on abt how easy its gonna b now that my girls are much older and would b able to help; blah blah blah..or that the MS eventually would end etc..if its so easy, how come I don't see any of you having MORE KIDS ah!?? So easy to talk right, and one of them don't even wanna have kids lo.. argh.. unless one has been suffering from IF or miscarriage and thus decided not to have any more kids, then all of you should just shut up! Argh.. sorry just venting. I know they are just trying to b encouraging but its not convincing 🙄🙄🙄 and also bcoz my inner thoughts are having its own battles la.. whatever. 

And that sums up my past week. Battling demons. 

Today was a high though. I felt energetic enough; to clear some work and spend some time with Joy. Managed to have a hearty dinner too.. I do hope that more of such days would come as I approach T2. And more importantly, I hope that by the next time the old friend comes visiting, I would be better equipped to fight.

I know I should b happy that I have this 🎁 after praying and waiting for so long. But what if I'm not good enough? What if i didn't know better?

Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise.

James 5:13 NIV

https://james.bible/james-5-13

Having a cuppa sinful hot chocolate; planning to make some appts before heading home. If anything, I'm trying hard not to think or worry. There are times when I doubt my self worth, especially in moments like this when I don't have much work. There are times when I think of V, how she must have struggled and how I should have been more aware and reach out to her. Won't things have changed, if we all had..  

Maybe I should go take up some classes, to take the mind away. J probably felt it coming and comforted me when I came in today. I'm ever so thankful for her, who has always been an encourager in my life. If not, I probably wont have lasted that long. 

Maybe I should go back to swimming too.. so that it clears my mind. 

Surrendering to the Lord, for His wisdom n guidance, that in His perfect timing, all will come in place. 

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.
Colossians 4:2 NIV
https://bible.com/bible/111/col.4.2.NIV

P/S: I went for a swim this morning and it felt so good.. I've forgotten how good it was to swim. Thankful ! Today is a brand new day! Happy weekend !

Sleepless nights

Haven't been sleeping really well since I came back from the trip... haiz.. thought I had overcome that..  but jet lag / insomnia seems to come back to visit an old friend.

There are struggles / battles/ challenges that I need to overcome. Praying for strength and God's wisdom. Praying that I will not stumble, nor will I look left and right but only at my Lord, for accomplishing His will is most impt. Lord I pray that I will continue to have faith, I know that you are my Maker and certainly You will never give me a task too huge for me to overcome. But Lord, I pray that You be with me, as I overcome my addictions, as I try to be a better person, I pray that You give me strength to do what is right. In jesus name I pray, amen.

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51:1‭-‬2 NIV https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.51.1-2.NIV

Living for the NOW

Been feeling pretty emo and stressed up these few days.. I've actually wrote 2 entries abt it but they will remain in my diary for now..

The gist of it was mainly bcoz the biz has been quite quiet since the start of the yr and when tat happens it means that I have a lot of spare time in my pocket, which also means that the mind has a lot of time to wonder and when it does, usually it doesn't always look on the bright side.

I started to evaluate myself..  started to hate myself bcoz I only had 2 tasks in my life:

1) childbearing (which I'm done with it!)
2) bring $ home

And yet I couldn't fulfil the one thing that was tasked to me. All the people I know had a zillion tasks required of them and they go on with their lives and fulfil what's required. What's wrong with me!? What would become of me if even 2) seem impossible to me ? Am I still worth living ?

Those thoughts kept circulating me and haunting me these few days. And of coz the phobia of if the biz is quiet, eventually bills would b hard to cope and what happens next ?

I told mr choo my struggles and as usual , his reply was cool . . We could sell 1 house or both and downgrade. I could stop work if it always left me being insecure and he could go out to work. The thought of not working was scary enough coz me for one had no hobbies and two, doesn't really enjoy doing household activities. (Joy is actually better at it than me to b honest. I do hope the twins start following her footsteps in time to come.) And that would make me a more useless person if that arrangement pans out.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy and believe in the work I do. What I'm jittery abt is the "what if all the people I need to help are done? I've completed all of them and there aren't anyone left to help or meet? What would happen? Could I actually do this til I'm 60? " or the "when is my next pay check going to come? Is it enough to pay the bills ?" These thoughts always come and attack me when the spirit is weak. And I always pray and ask God..  why did He choose to put me here? Why do I have to go out of my comfort zone to meet these people? Or suffer the insecurities of not knowing when or how much my pay check would be ? Why ? Why? And even though time and time again, God has ALWAYS and certainly showed me and reaffirms His way, the me is vulnerable.

I prayed and prayed so much these 4 days but I had no solution. But While driving to my appt tonight, God spoke to me again. He says to live in the now and not worry for the future. He said if the birds don't need to worry, then why am I fretting? Why not live in the NOW, and spend some time alone with the kids? It seems so simple and I heard this bible verse so many many times. But it gives me so much peace today when I felt God speaking to me.

Shan't think too much and let things flow in its own timing. Will take things one day at a time.

Spending the morning with the twins and probably bring them for breakfast before dropping them in school instead of the routine bus. Since I'm free now, why not? If not now then when?

Penning my thoughts now so that I can refer to these when another attack comes..

P/s: praying for a friend who is in the midst of a complicated pregnancy. May the Lord be with her when she makes her decision and gives her strength to overcome the grieve and emotions. I pray that God you heal her and protect her.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles , so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Screamfree parenting

Attended a parenting course last yr in church and had always wanted to post it here so that it will remind me when i face my roadblocks. But as you know, then things came along and I got distracted and forgot abt it. Then just that day, the notes that I took resurfaced so I thought I better do it NOW...hahaha

Screamfree parenting 101

1) Yr oxygen mask
- First thing first, if Anything, we should take care of ourselves first; before we attend to the kids. E.g. oxygen mask
- how can we take of others if we don't take care of our own well being?
- in any situation, when we think we can't handle, we breathe in (count to 7) nd breathe out (count to 7).
- remain calm
- cause and effect. Are we only giving them attention when they misbehave ?
- why do we scream? What are we most afraid of?

What are yr FEARS?

- kids turn bad?
- not a gd parent?
- feel people's impression of us are bad?
- there's no perfect child not perfect parent. So don't self blame. We need to forgive ourselves when we commit mistakes in a rash; else we might turn to guilt-parenting -> overcompensate the kids which is even worse.

*Failure is an EVENT not a person**

Expectations not met?
- Are they realistic?
E.g. expecting kids scoring perfect score all the time.
E.g. Are we giving them too many KPIs?

- Are they our unmet needs?
- Are they our unmet dreams?
E.g. being a doctor/ lawyer bcoz we can't achieve?

2) Parenting with the End in Mind

*Ask, Say, Do (v impt)

- what do we want to see in our kids at 21?

E.g. character trains that we hope they possess by 21:

- independent 

- discipline

- responsible and the list goes on..

- then what are we teaching them when we scream at them? Kids learn by following/seeing what their parents do.(ACTION)

- will screaming help develop these traits? NO.

ASK.SAY.DO

- state yr desire behaviour, not say don't do this etc. State what can be done.

E.g. kid jump on sofa. Instead of saying "don't jump on the sofa", Say " sofa is is to sit, jump on the floor"

E.g. if you want kid to keep the shoes in the cupboard nearly, show them HOW exactly it is done (action); and get them to show it to you.

- investigate why their action

E.g. why are they behaving this way

- don't think/rationalise at our level; but look at their level

3) Words, Tone, Body language
- are they words of encouragement/ affirmation or words to destroy them further?
- are we still welcoming the kids with open hands or closing the door?
E.g. the words we use when they were <1 yr old; the tone etc vs the words/tone now?
Why are we less tolerant of them now?
- a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
- attend to their heart first, find out what's their wounds; n do correction (behaviour) later

4 simple steps:

1. Set clear simple rules e.g. dinner at 6pm, keep yr toys (box A) before taking new toys (box B)
2. Consistency e.g. Be consistent; if dinner is at 6pm-7pm and she refuses to eat, don't offer again at 8pm!
3. Consequences. Make consequences you can live with. E.g. no TV for 1 week, don't go for their rescue. 
4. Counting 123. Firm Tone, strict body language

My thoughts (then)
In a way, joy is now at the screaming stage. And I don't blame her cos she had picked it up from us, when we were impatient with her; when she had her tantrums.

The self blaming part is the part I totally can relate with. I always snap@them when things become overwhelming, when they have so many requests and cry when they are not met. I feel so stressed if I say no; but I also feel lousy when I say yes. As of today, i will not stress myself to be the perfect parent or expect the girls to be the perfect child in fairytale. Let's all work together; learn together and grow as one family.

Giving unclear instructions is something I only realize today. And I now know the importance of stating the desired exact action I expect from them. Just yesterday, I gave Grace the command " do not jump on the sofa." As discussed by the speaker. Only today, did it opened my eyes to their world.

Thank God for providing me with these invaluable lessons. I pray and I know that You will be with us; guiding the girls as they reached the different milestones in their lives. Thank God for william; although he has his shortcomings (screaming) with the girls, he did DO more correct things than me. Thank You God for providing, Amen!

My thoughts (now)
It has been 14 mths since I attended the seminar. I thought I had attended it longer than I had thought.

Reflecting back, I could see how the changes have impacted my girls. I'm not saying that our family life is a bed of roses now, nor am I saying that it's fairytale now. We still have our struggles and I still fall back to the common traps sometimes.

But after applying some simple changes to our parenting styles, I did see significant improvement; be it communication between us ; parents with joy or the twins, or the state of emotional health in me alone. (Joy screaming remain a work in progress)

I can't rem if i read the book 5 love languages for children before or after this seminar, but both of these tools helped so much in my parenting hat.

Note to self: are we saying words of encouragement / affirmation or are we sending words to further destroy them?

I hope that there will be a similar one offered again by the church so that I can attend again to reinforce my knowledge. :)

Emo day..

Have you ever have friends who happened to be clients? Those that kinda "supported" you when you first started this biz, but after a while, you stopped reviewing them for work bcoz it was too tiring and frustrating to do so? The reasons could be many, but for me, it was becoz it was frustrating to always having to wait for > 45 mins for each appt, and/or having aeroplanes in the midst of it.. meaning for every 10 appts we scheduled, i probably only managed to meet them twice, and of the times when we finally met, it was always after waiting for > 45 mins. And in the end, I finally decided not to meet any of such appts in 2009/2010 coz I was battling depression due to infertility and the emotional rollercoasters (due to infertility/ aeroplanes) were extremely hard. I thought since I couldn't control the former, i should at least control the latter. I thought it was easier to meet strangers for they view you independently as an adviser, no strings attached. (the-dun-like-to-meet-strangers-story is for another day)

Anyway, I do have a handful of such people, and I stopped meeting them after a while. Not meeting for work first, and eventually when our paths no longer cross, we also seldom meet for catch ups.. and every once a while, when these people popped up in my mind, the feelings are mixed. I like to go back to them, be it as a friend, or be it bcoz of my work obligations. But I was afraid. Afraid of not knowing what to say/do, afraid that the same disappointments come back again.

But this 2017, I want to overcome this. And I'm meeting a friend/client this friday as a review. I searched thru the records, and the last time we did a review was in  2010! The last time we met as friends were in 2012! I felt bad as an adviser, having neglected my initial crop of sheep, especially since they were the ones who "supported" me before anyone endorse me for the work i do. And it's scary to think that we are meeting this fri. What should I say? work first or friend first?

Praying to God for His widsom and guidance on this situation. May He provide me with strength to carry on with this appt!

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a] Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. - Proverbs 3:5-8

Post- Retirement

Following my heart to heart talk with joy, i began to explore seriously on the aspect of stopping work completely; aka retireing. The initial thoughts were excitement and curious. I mean, to really liquidate all the assets and perhaps buy a 3 room flat with the monies from CPF. Then hold the balance in cash and slowly deplete it till the day we passes on.. would that be doable?

I started to go thru my household expenses, "the needs" expenses that cant be removed and "the wants" that we can do without. I went thru the assets and their potential cash values as well. Anyway, that's a tedious process, which I will be doing.

What do I do when I retire?
In the meantime, i also started to think how will i spend my remaining days if I were to retire now.

Things to do after retirement:

1.  zzz till shiok and wake up at lunch time to pick Joy
2. Watch Korean drama till shiok when the kids are sleeping
3. Be a housewife and starting learning how to cook and do the housework
4. Volunteer either @ PL/ Charity organization / church
5. Open a biz completely not related to what I'm doing now
6. Pick up a hobby

As I list down the things I can / want to do after retirement, I realize something. These aren't the things I really want/ enjoy doing. Well, at least not things I want to do for the next 50 years. No, I shouldn't be wasting my life like that and becoming obsolete even earlier than most of the retirees right? I realized something even more profound, not realizing before I even start on this entry: I am currently doing what I'm most passionate about, the thing I enjoy most doing:

Financial Advisory

Much as I don't want to admit, but these days of soul/ post retirement searching made me realize that I'm actually already in the work that I enjoy most. As I come to this realization, I also told william that it actually took Joy to make me realize that the sole reason why I'm doing what I'm doing now is because I started this work because I wanted to help others. But maybe it's the many years of doing the same thing, or the recent long working hrs, that resulted in me forgetting about it entirely, or the recent Depression attack, that made me dread it so much. But yes, I do enjoy my advisory work. And yes, I do not see myself working in any other job other than this. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for the realization. It has made me more at peace with myself, and relieved me of the stress of working. So yes, working for another 50 yrs here or till further notice.

Thankful for God, who is always here with us and guiding us through the journey. :)

On Depression

I've always tried to blog more on happy events than on depressing ones, coz I've always feel like if I were to pass , I would want to be remembered as one that is always joyful despite all circumstances. But the Easter weekend was extremely difficult for me. Depression has hit me and hit me hard it has. D has made a comeback. I've always struggled with it, and my job doesn't make it easier as the job deals with rejection/ disappointments/ expectations/ waiting.

As I recall one of the more jialat incidents, it was when I had joy. The struggles of being a first time parent, problems of breastfeeding and the effects of post natal made me crumple. I wanted to die then. I wanted to jump or hurt myself coz the pains from depression was so hard that I wonder if hurting myself physically would divert/ transfer my pain.

Fast forward a few yrs and I rem the struggles of infertility made me slipped into D again. I rem crying when I see pregnant women, or hearing some person I know who is preg. I rem being devastated when it rained, it felt as though God cried together with me in my struggles. I rem asking God to bring me Home coz living was painful. And still I survived. I rem walking out of it first even before I embarked on my IVF journey.  I rem entrusting all to the Lord and by doing so, I fared better dealing with injections than with hormone pills during my infertile journey.

Depression has made a come-back again and on the Easter weekend.  I don't know if it's been breeding for a long time it was it the long weekend or the hormones. But it consumed me on Sunday, on unsuspecting me, when I didn't seem to be facing any major issues / struggles in life, but juz trying to get on with my routine normal life. It has decided to visit an old friend. I had planned and wanted to do many activities with the kids since it was the long weekend. We did many activities , but things didn't go smoothly. In fact it seems like all the things that could go wrong, went wrong that weekend. They were quarrelling , whining and there were many episodes. I was snapping at the girls now and then, and acting like a mad mama on the street. It got so much that by the nth time, I told them to kill each other if they couldn't live with each other. I was tired of it all. I was tired of them not appreciating the efforts made to bring them out, the things they hv in life, tired of always falling short of what they want as a mama. By the time they sleep on Sunday night, I had completely lost it. I was crying v hard at not being a gd mom, @ not giving them enough time and patience; @ not filling their schedule with more fun filling actives before sch reopens.

I cried hard. I wanted to die. Again.  I thought maybe it would b better for the kids to have a new mama. I wanted to end it. I told mr choo that he could remarry if I die; or he could live a rich man's life with the insurance monies. He didn't over react. He took it calmly. He was there reassuring me. It was as if God placed him there, to make sure I didn't do anything foolish. He was with me as I cried buckets n buckets, me not knowing why.

I told him I wasn't happy with juz letting the kids go thru childhood on a routine, we should do more things for them and with them and not juz leave it to the sch. I wanted them to learn baking with the dad, or picnic or character building; and not juz routine parenting ie, making them eat ; bathe and sleep parenting. I rem when I grow up even though my parents were poor and we live simply, my mom made sure that we had the right values growing up. Suddenly the expectations of being a parent hit me and I had problems dealing with it.

Mr choo agreed and we now embark on agreed new phrase of parenting. We brought the kids to cycle and picnic yday. Everything went well and I also taught the girls a lesson on appreciating the things we have in life vs complaining on the things we don't have. Also had a heart to heart talk with joy , who had become increasingly less tolerant of her twin sisters. Yes, the girl who prayed and prayed for a younger sibling is telling me she's regretting it every now and then. I told her that if I only have xx no. Of hours everyday and if she wants it solely hers, I will quit my job, sell the 2 houses, sell the car and we can move to a rented hdb. I told her that I have limited resources and if she really needs me full time in her growing yrs, I'm prepared to give up all these earthly possessions for all. I think it hit her, it hit me as well. And yes, I'm prepared to quit my work and live life simply. But this means that all of them have to be prepared for some sacrifices as well. I was glad that I got it off my chest, honestly. I was tried of working so hard and feeling so guilty of not spending time with the girls. I was tired of being in the rat race , always earning not enough to pay the bills. And yes, I'm prepared to live simply. If this means teaching the girls the value of money and enjoying life's simple pleasures. Yes we can do this. Joy teared. I don't know if it was because of the thought of no holidays or public transport everywhere or maybe having mama 24/7 caused it. But I hope she understand.

I'm tired of tahaning it all. I shall face my weaknesses as they come. Be it work,emo, spiritual. I will have the faith that God is with us and He will carry me in my fight with D. And in all circumstances, I will give thanks. 

I will die one day, but not today.