L.O.V.E

About two weeks ago, Grace told me that she missed the One on one date we did last December and asked if we could do it again now that J is in ifc. I couldn’t find a reason to say no and thus began this week’s one on one date. 

Honestly, going out with her is comfortable. She is independent, reliable and her moods are stable. We went to Jewel, had lunch followed by a movie. It was nice to chit chat and check on this little girl and how this year, she made new friends and her current BFF is Kate and both of them are bookworms. 

And today I brought the other twin for her one on one. To be honest, I felt jittery for a few days. Because she isn’t as easy? Mayb 一物克一物，如果我是石头，那她一定就是我命中的布吧。

Thought we took the bus to PLQ instead of the train coz the latter would require us to change once. Bad choice coz she was whining throughout the bus ride.. haiz.. the morning barely started and I’m tired already. It was a lot of “I want this, I want that.” and by the time we finished our lunch and movie, I just wanted to go home.

Can see her sian face on the bus? Anyway I came home and took a nap and felt so much better. I wished I could be as comfortable with her as I am with her other two sisters. Maybe time will tell. Maybe I need more practice.  

Going on my date with Joy coming Monday. And that wraps up the Dec holidays and 2021.

Season for change

Some friends are like wine, the longer the friendship, the stronger it gets. Some friends, on the other hand, are only for a season. 

I don’t have many close friends to be honest. I’m not a friends keeper. I don’t make a lot of effort in maintaining relationships and I know it’s me, my fault. 

And now, seriously, I don’t have the time to even balance work, family and rest. Maintaining friendships or going out on dinner gatherings are really not my top priority. And I’m tired of trying to explain to my friends to be honest. It’s not like they don’t have kids too. They do, just that their kids are teenagers now and not in the needy phrase. So they have forgotten abt how tiring this stage is? It’s easy to say “need to correct J schedule la..” or things like “both of u need to sort it out else both of u will b tired exhuasted”… 😴😴😴 easy to say lo.. got more 建设型的solutions吗？

The thought that I’m going to meet them for dinner in a couple of hrs time is making me emo shit now.. argh.. coupled with the little sleep I had over the last 2 weeks.. rage I tell u.. I tried to zzz now but physically tired but mentally crazy.. 

I need to remind myself just to decline such gatherings politely in 2022. 

Update: the dinner didn’t go as bad as I thought it would be. There were some normal convo / updates on each other happenings. I did enjoy myself tonight. But when they suggested another gathering before end of the year, I declined politely. Told them at this juncture, I really need to catch up on my work and if there’s any spare time after that, it would have to all go to my family. 

There, i said it. And it wasn’t even as hard as I thought it would b. 

Rant

I’m dead tired. So is William, though he doesn’t say. The last 2 weeks, J has been waking up every hr once it cross midnight . Initially I thought it’s because he’s hungry but even after we feed him at 12am, he can continue to wake up at 1am, 2, 330,5am etc. I tried letting him zzz on our bed just so that we/ he could have a longer undisturbed sleep but even this didn’t help in any way. 

I don’t know how long this will last and seriously it’s going to be less than 3 weeks before school starts. 

I told William that mayb we should consider letting the twins share a room so that we can let the helper + J take the other room. He just replied “this is out of the question.” I told him I can’t function properly the next day when I can’t even have 5 hrs of sleep. He says he will take the night if it comes down to this. I can work. But honestly this isn’t healthy either. His health is not great. He hasn’t young anymore and his fainting episodes plus needing to ferry tue girls to sch etc.. 

I’m really out of solutions. I even considered hiring a part time nanny or another helper etc but all these were brushed away by him. 

Praying for strength and God’s wisdom on this. He has our backs. He knows and He will never give us too big a problem to handle. Reminded myself all these and praying and surrendering to Him. 

The lack of zzz has also led to crazy eating these two weeks.. argh.. that is another topic on its own. Oh well

Update: it’s 1230am and honestly, I’m waiting for the little fellow to start his “party”. I did try to zzz tonight but mayb im too stimulated that I can’t fall asleep! We increased his day feeds to 180ml today, and his fav diaper from the correct source arrived today. (I switched a diff source previously even though it’s the same brand) that’s the only 2 things we did differently today, plus a lot of PRAYERS!! Thank You God for answering our prayers! 

Hfmd

Recording J first (and hopefully last hfmd) episode so that we can always look back at this entry eventually and laugh.. 

How it started

Day 1

- woke up in the morning feeling feverish. Gave him some fever meds and it came down before coming back up at late afternoon. Last dose was at midnight.

Day 2

woke up with no fever though he kept crying on and off motn. He was also complaining quite loudly though we couldn’t understand his language 🤣

Send him to sch since he has no fever. I thought it probably was a random one day fever or teething fever. 

Sch called at 12pm saying that they found ulcers in his throat. Settled the twins at home before picking the little one and sending him to PD.

Certified hfmd and given 1 week mc

I said a silent prayer that God helps us tide this over. The 2 nights of fussing had been a toll on us and I dunno how we going to manage another 7days. Oh God.. I know hfmd was inevitable but I didn’t think it would b that early. 

I still had 2 zooms and both my clients could hear J cry loudly in the midst of it.. haiz.. William took most of the night duty bcoz I had an early morning zoom. 

Whatever way it takes, as long as u zzz

Day 3

His fav past time nowadays to try pluck the leaves of the Xmas 🎄 

Took over J once my zoom was done. Went to pick the twins from church and thought we bring J for a car ride as well. Halfway there, the car broke down and thank God a sister helped pick the twins and brought them out ! 

Managed to settle the car and drove home. By then, both of us were exhausted with a cranky baby who has started to cry at the top of his voice. His cries these 2 days have crossed his usual volumes, and I think with the development of new skills, he now know that he just had to look at the person and cry, and that person would come over automatically as though it’s a magnet or magical wand.

Why aren’t u on yr play mat my dear son?

Day 4

We barely slept the night before. J doesn’t wan me to coax him to zzz. I’ll try to pat / carry him to zzz once he stirs but it just make things worse. Most of the time, William had to wake up to wrap up.

Doesn’t wanna drink or eat today. It’s the day where we just kept making milk and try and try. 

Sweet dreams my dear boys 

Naps are 20 mins or lesser and seriously we really showed hand liaoz.. and I don’t know how we going to correct all these bad habits after he recovers. I’m praying that today is the peak coz he’s super super fussy today. Cry so much that I wanna tell him mama will buy him a sports car if u stop crying and start napping. 😂

He’s zzz for the night. Praying that he doesn’t wake up tonight. Vera just vomited after dinner and complaining of chest pains. We might need to bring her to kkh tonight.

Day 5

- he slept from 8pm-230am before crying. I’m so thankful for that. Gave him some painkillers and milk and he went back to zzz. Only me and William were on standby mode bcoz we wanted to be sure before we go back to zzz. 

Today is definitely easier compared to yesterday. He still isn’t sleeping as much as he should, so still cranky. Praying that we have passed the peak and it’s going to be 雨过天晴！

I even had time for some me time outside because William didn’t need to serve in church today. Thankful for the break. Going back soon!

Emo 😢

Feeling emo and sad. I know I’ll recover by tomorrow but let me rant for now. 

Joash is down with hfmd - the fever was the starting of the hfmd symptoms. By yesterday afternoon, his throat had a couple of ulcers and we were informed by the school to pick him back. Oh well. I guess this is unavoidable as long as we intend to put him in ifc / cc. I just didn’t expect it to be that fast. 

The thing that’s affecting me big time was the phone call I received today evening. 

Dowager :How’s baby?

(Guess she saw William fb post)

Me: okie lo, cranky cranky. By the way, so Saturday how ah? Still can go over yr house for dinner?

She: aiya he will recovered by Saturday de la.. kids very fast recover one. 

(She says so because she clearly is a hands off grandma and have no idea how long hfmd last)

Me: what if he doesn’t recover by then ?

She: then u all don’t come lo..

我该说什么呢？Am I surprised? No. Am I disappointed? Yes. I thought I would b numbed by now. But I guess it still hurts even though it’s expected. Im not even expecting her to say she will come and help us for a few days or what. I wanted to be angry and cut them away. 

😭😭😭

This too shall pass. 靠别人不如靠自己。

Random

The first time he has a fever and it’s not due to vaccinations.. woke up this morning with a fever which shot thru the roof to 39+ later in the evening. Besides the fever being the only indicator that this boy is sick, he’s still eating well, drinking well and super energetic! 

Probably bring him to the PD Tom just to b sure everything’s fine. 

There’s many challenges ahead but we will get thru it all, step by step. 

Finally sold my pump today! Yeah ! Finally saying goodbye to that chapter; to that black hole. Thank u Angela for selling it for me. I was afraid that I would gostun and touch my pump again after the staycation.. but thankfully it didn’t happen.

Have started to fix a few appts for this week and next. I’m really looking forward for the next phrase ! Him starting his solids and me going back to work.. 

A colleague asked me recently how I managed to hit my TOT so early this year while she was working till the last day for her COT.. honestly, it’s all only possible becoz God is with me. And I’m excited to let God draw the plans He has for me for 2022! 

 

Random things

Me: “Uncle, if Joash and I drop into the big sea, who will you rescue first?”

- me looking intently into his eyes wondering how he would answer.. hahaha

Him: “Seriously, if that happens, I think u need to rescue me also.” 

(Cause I’m the better swimmer) 

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

#wifesetttrap #smartreply #甜言蜜语

Saying goodbye to the milk factory

 

Send these photos to a very nice friend who offered to help me sell them away. 

It’s final. The milk factory is closed. Did my last pump today and I’m happy. I’m glad that this is all over. I thought I would b more chilled about the whole bf thing this time round but no, it still affected me a lot and I’m so glad it’s finally over. 

Time to look forward to more exciting stages in life. It’s the school hols and we have a few things planned for the kids. We did a staycation at equarius last week and this week, there’s another staycation (just me and the twins only). 

I wanna spend these few weeks with the girls before I start working full steam in jan. 

To be honest, I’m very excited about what lies ahead. J is happy in his school, we are all settled at our new place, and now that I’ve closed the milk factory, this means more time and energy for more exciting things !

Handling over the keys of minton back to the landlord this week. Praying that nothing urgent crops up or nothing stupid screws up. 

Emo..

This is me at 3am last night. For two nights in a row, our little friend has been waking up at 2, drink his milk, coaxed to zz, put into cot and wake up with big eyes smiling at me. And such battles usually last for 2 hrs at least.. For yesterday, William took over from 3-5. Then he woke up again at 5ish.. fed him milk again, changed diaper and zzz with nightmares .. kept waking up every 10-15mins… 

Praying for strength to carry forward. I’m tired, so is William. It’s the pre-weekend blues and if weekdays are so bad already, I don’t want weekends to come..😭😭😭

This too shall pass, I know … but God, can u make it easier for 我们两个老人家… 

Me!

Spend some time for myself, praying and journaling. Really appreciate such windows when I have time all by myself. No need to jaga the kids, do zoom, or reply emails. Just time for MYSELF.. 

Went for cupping this morning, after a long hiatus and had comfort food near the office!

It isn’t the best Korean food but it’s comfort food. Food that I’m familiar with; food that we always come when working in office was still the norm. Time passed; and suddenly wfh has been the new norm for the last 2 yrs; along with mask wearing and hand sanitizers. Overnight every singaporean were trained to wear mask, something quite unheard of before 2020. 

The last week was crazy for us because the twins had high fever for a few days. It’s been a long while since their temps cross 39.5! So along with nursing them, we had to make sure Joash and Joy were shielded from the virus. And our little boy had to choose this period to wake up every hr middle of the night (during the weekend) I really wanted to kill him.. hahahaha.. guess that’s what they say, the cuter the baby, the more “interesting” events. 

Going for my facial soon before heading home to pick the baby.. it’s been a long day for uncle pig and I’m going to take over his shift.. 

Thankful for today.. thankful for the break.. thank u God for everything!

“Blessed are those who keep his statutes and seek him with all their heart—”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:2‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://psalm.bible/psalm-119-2

We did the MRI yday.. like finally and it wasn’t a walk in the park. Firstly both of us couldn’t zzz the night before but we didn’t tell each other.. lol 

Anyway, on Friday morning brought the big baby for his MRI. You could see that for all the things he could do for his family, medical appts isn’t one that he can just go. Which is fine. It’s an opportunity for me to sayang the big giant I guess. Anyway, long and short of the story, he had to be sedated bcoz he freaked out again. I’m trying to be the emphatic wife but hor, I had to bite my lips several times just to remind myself not to say the wrong things.. 

We finally did it. The appt took 3 hrs plus. Next wed going to see the doctor. Praying that the results would be clear and that the dizzy spells are just due to fatigue or “gaming too much” (his own words). 

I slept so well last night. Could go back to zzz immediately after settling Joash motn feeds. So thankful! 

Brought the twins to their enrichment class today. We took public and literally crawled from woodleigh to Delfi! Enjoying my breakfast at Starbucks now bcoz I’m down to 3x pumps a day! Yeah ! First time on a Saturday where I don’t need to blog while pumping at the nursing room at forum. 

I need to focus on myself and my well being; instead of the pump! Going to eat clean again and lose the excess weight. (The emotional roller coaster and sleepless nights did nothing to help)

But today is good bcoz I had good rest last night. 🤗Beautiful Saturday! 

Sleepless nights

Haven’t slept much yday night and I thought I would b so super concussed that I would have a good night rest tonight. But as it turns out, I’m still wide awake. Going to cut down my caffeine from now on. Not sure if it’s because I drank too much coffee, or bcoz the teenager has flew, or it’s just uncle pig’s health that is bothering me. 

He’s going for his MRI coming Friday. The ENT specialist just wanna make sure that there isn’t any tumour in his ear causing the imbalance. Going to also do the brain to rule out early signs of stroke etc. Times like this are a reminder to us that health is the biggest asset in life. Being healthy is the best gift we can give to our family besides TIME. Praying that God protect this man from any serious illness and to grant wisdom to the doctors so that we be able to have the correct diagnosis soon! 

The teenager is on the plane with my mama. She begged/convinced/persuaded and charmed her into going Paris with her. It’s their first trip together without me. I hope they don’t end up killing each other. May they enjoy this bonding session and I also asked them to come home in one piece. There isn’t a need to get anything for anyone. Just enjoy the trip, eat lotsa good food and take lotsa pictures. 

I really should go back to zzz. Going to bring the twins for their Saturday class tomorrow and gotten need to wake up early for that. 

Going to cut down to 3 pumps from Monday onwards. It’s a bittersweet moment. I know I sound like a patient with dementia or Dory forgetting where his lines are; but pls be patient with me as I finish this last phrase. I know I will get over it and in time to come, laugh at the me now. I just need time to get over it. Yes I know and yes pls God help me.

Thankful for all the blessings He has provided for me and my family. God is in control. I must remember that. 

Giving Thanks

Something happened and made me very distracted. I thought I should list down 10 things that I'm thankful for in 2021, to remind myself how blessed I am.

1) Arrival of Joash

- This has to be one of the big events for me/us in 2021. God sending Joash to us, the little bundle of joy and his smiles. To be honest, Joash has been very good to us. He's an easy child, soft temperament and rarely cries. He loves his hugs and cuddles. His smiles melts my heart. How does someone so small, occupy such a big space in my heart and life? 

I never thought that I would get married at 25 and went on to have 4 beautiful children. If you were to ask me when I was in my early 20s, I wouldn't even be able to imagine getting married! So yeah, I'm thankful that God has given these people into my lives. My life is complete and full with them. 

2) My Soulmate, my BFF, my first Love

- I've said this a thousand times, and I will say another thousand times if needed. He completes me. He is the reason why I can focus 100% at work, why despite me NOT having a lot of common sense, is not malfunctioning.. hahaha.. and I thank God for sending him to me in my life. I just pray that his health would improve now that Joash is more settled down in his school. 

3) My girls reaction to the new addition

- After experiencing Joy's reaction when the twins arrived, I know that its not always that the bigger kids welcome the new addition. And I should not expect that either. So I'm thankful that the girls have been exceptional towards Joash. They have love him abundantly, and eagerly offering help (though it's not always helpful help..haha.. but I will take it!)

4) Joash & IFC

- So thankful that Joash went into his IFC easily. He sleeps and drinks well there, his teachers love him, and he loves going to his school. So super thankful. Coz this allows us to be able to rest, to spend time with the girls, and run some errands during the day time.

5) Work

- 2021 zoom past in a flash. The office texted me earlier to inform me that I've cleared TOT by end september.  Honestly, I don't remember working much after May. Things were so hectic, and I was always so lack of sleep. If you asked me how I did my TOT in 2020, I know how I did it. But 2021, I had no idea. I can only say its 100% by God's grace. His favour. And a lot of help from Joleen & love from my clients. 

6) Financial Freedom

- I'm thankful that we are comfortable. I can choose not to work if I want to. I can choose to take a slower pace, so that I can rest, and so that William can rest too. To say that I'm slowing down till end of the year sounds so wrong, because I don't even think I've started working much since May! But yes, I'm thankful that I have the luxury of choosing not to work, that I don't need to worry that the bills and cashflow go haywire. I enjoy very much my work still, just that having the freedom to choose is an extra bonus, for which I'm thankful for.

7) Residence

- I'm thankful that we manage to find this current rented place. The girls are happy that they have their own rooms, William is happy that the kitchen is finally big enough. There are times when I will still itchy backside go see if there's "better" units avail for rent, coz we got this place in a rush. As in, Minton lease hasn't even expired, and we already confirmed this! So we ended up paying both places for 4 mths. But it is what it is. There's no "what if.." 

- I just pray for God's wisdom to be upon me, so that we know if we should continue this renting arrangement or look for a house to stay permanently when this lease expires.

8) Staycations!

- The choos are going for 2 staycations in Nov and Dec! I'll see if I can book a cruise if possible. Since not going to work much for this quarter, then might as well make the best of it and enjoy these beautiful moments with the kids and family!

9) Car

- Thank God that we  gotten our car earlier this year. The COE has gone up by almost $20K in a couple of months! oh my god!

10) Health

- Thank God that the girls and I have good health. So does my parents. Praying that William's health be sorted out soon!

That's all for now. Thankful that I have so much. Going to get my lunch at minton coffeeshop.. one of the last few weeks before I ever come back here again.. hahaha.. 

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. - John 16:24

Happy 5th mths!

 

Happy 5 mths old my dear Joash ! I love your smile! 

At 5mths old, you have started to sleep for longer hours and on good days, you can zzz from 8pm-7am. I pray that we will see more of such good days happening. You love to show us yr newfound flipping skills and would keep flipping once we put u on yr playmat. 

Your all time favourite teether is still this Mushie ball despite mama having bought so many other cute ones to try. 

You are drinking on average abt 150ml per feed though there are some feeds where u like to drink in installments. You love going to yr infant care, for which I’m so thankful for. Coz your teachers say you drink and nap v well in school. Could we also get to see those skills when u r home too? 

Being the youngest in the family has its perks too. My mama has allowed me to sleep on her bed whenever I want to; watch TV with my sisters (even when I’m feeding) as well as being loved and doted by my 3 wonderful sisters. 

I love you my dear son and I pray that you will always be reminded of our love to you. I pray that we will have the patience and energy to guide you thru every step of ur learning journey and that you will grow up to be a man for God ! 

You are a gift from God and we pray that you will grow up to be a healthy and useful man for God. 

Flip prata

As expected, I started to flip prata again and wondered if extending my pump sessions was the right thing to do. Today was the first day when J had to drink FM during the day time. It’s not a big thing la, I know FM is equally nutritious. Just that it was an “argh” moment when the IFC called and ask if we had accidentally forgotten to bring a bottle lesser than usual. Hubs then told the sch to do FM when it wasn’t enough. 

I don’t know if I made the right choice or not bcoz I sound like a broken record. It’s tormenting me. And I was just telling J that I don’t know what I should do. To continue extending and eventually close the milk factory or just to go back to excessive pumps. 

And I tell u..she always gives the best advice and without judgement too. She says instead of doing the Chart, I should really focus on WHY I WANNA BF? Coz if I can find the WHY, I will be able to find the way to do it. Simple words, with wisdom. My 军事 for everything.. hahaha .. here goes : 

1) feeling of bonding / latching 

- I really enjoyed the times when I latched Grace. I can’t explain what it is, and why bottle feeding is different, but it is. Don’t get me wrong, we can still be very attached to our kids with bottle feeding. 

This time round, Joash didn’t latch as well. Especially now that he’s in ifc, the chances that he will latch is only the occasional motn and even that would always end up with both of us half asleep.. hahahah

2) “FAIR”

- I did it for the girls and I thought it would only b fair if I did it for Joash as well. 

3) BM nutrients are better ?

- it’s a ? bcoz Vera who drinks the least BM also happens to have the least number of doctor visits. Grace on the other hand, frequents kkh and the PD a lot more compared to her sisters.

4) Weight lost?

- again this doesn’t apply to my case. I didn’t lost much weight, be it for the twins or this time round. Any weight lost during Joy’s time came back with a vengeance once I stopped breastfeeding. So honestly, if weight lost is a keen thing, I should stop breastfeeding (so I wouldn’t emotional eat) and go for my cupping sessions. 

这样看起来, my why isn’t v strong leh.. hahahah.. chey.. why did I even wanna bf ? Lol.. and guilt trap myself .. hahahaha

Will just let J latch for the rest of this journey, but if he doesn’t wan I wouldn’t force. And I’ll just continue my extension la.. hahaha.. 

Closing the milk factory

 

I did this yes/no table while waiting for my zoom appt to start. I’ve said it a couple of times that I wanna stop breastfeeding soon and going to extend my pumping hours. As of last mth, I was still pumping every 3hrly and at least 8-10 times a day either latching or pumping.. it’s exhausting and crazy. So I started to stretch to 4hrly but once I do that, the volume drops. Which I am not surprised bcoz storage cup small ma.. then I’ll be like okie go back and forth, then the lack of 😴

So being a mathematical person, I wanted to list down all the reasons for and against. And clearly, the reasons to stop are more justified. I just need to do it NOW and not let the guilt eat me alive. 

And coincidentally the zoom appt I had yday.. my client also said the same .. to stop and not b guilty. Bcoz only with rest,  can we go a long way with our children. 

Praying that I dont like the stupid guilt overwhelm me. If I stop breastfeeding, I’ll be able to do many fun things .. like traveling next yr ; go adventure cove with the girls in Nov when we go for our staycation; more time to focus on my work or even sleep for extended hrs at night… 

Yes let’s just do it !

Just as I thought he has stopped latching.. this is really what I enjoy abt breastfeeding… 

Eventful 24hrs

I posted this on my fb but thought I leave an entry here to remind myself how great God has been in protecting me and my household. And of coz this is a more detailed and elaborate one since this is my personal blog. The story goes like this .. 

On Tuesday afternoon on the way home walking with Joy, I twisted my left ankle and fell to the pavement. I had a bad landing and my right knee grazed the hard solid ground. I could feel the blood on the open right knee. Joy was in shock and ask me to get up but I couldn’t. My hands had also scratched the floor and both ankles were sprained; my right calf hurts badly and so does my back. I told her I needed time before I could get up. Being a veteran in falls, I know that there is no need to rush to getting up. Took my time and considered a few options:

1) call a cab / ask William to bring us home coz it’s still another 10 mins walk but where I landed was just after a highway. It was impossible to call a cab. As for calling William , for him to rescue it also meant he needs to make a big big detour before he would reach us. Option not possible.

2) call ambulance

- honestly this thought went thru my mind but it felt super guazhang plus I was due for my pump. I needed to go home pump. If I took this route, it probably means another few hrs away. Nah 

3) sit and wait til I was better

- that’s what I did and once I got up, I could lean on Joy and we began to walk home. 

I wanna shoot myself coz this pair of shoes have always make me twist my ankle. This isn’t the first time but I like how comfortable it was and how I could wear for causal / work. So I’ve been repurchasing this pattern for several yrs. As I recall now, I’ve fallen in this series for at least 3 separate occasions so yes, good bye shoes. 

Once we reach home, I washed up and William attended to my wounds. By now I could no longer walk without hurting myself. Even wearing my pants while sitting down was not possible. 

Can see the bruised ankle also ? And can I say that William was so gentle in doing the dressing but it still hurts big time. (Okie, I also happened to have Low tolerance for pain, so ya)

And becoz I was completed immobile, it meant he had to take the night shift. Joash hasn’t sttn. In fact he is more punctual in his night feeds compared to his day feeds. So I had a really peaceful night (haha.. woke up to pump and zzz straight). 

The next morning, he had to do the usual morning routine which is to drop the 3 girls at their school. In addition, it was also Joash vaccination. And bcoz I was still immobile, it meant one trip with 4 kids. I bade goodbye to time and went to zzz more.. hahaha.. I had some rest la despite the leg being super pain in certain positions. 

Then when they were done, he came to pick me up . My turn to see doc; change dressing and collected some meds. On hindsight I should have just seen a doctor on the night itself but I didn’t wanna see a locum. Aiya but today went to clinic at 11am , the doc left liaoz.. argh.. in the end went to my childhood gp..hahaha.. change and all’s good. 

By then had lunch and pick girls and headed home. Time 145pm 

330pm we left again; this time to see an ifc for Joash (yes, we concluded that ifc is required / necessary to give us sanity). Done with the sch tour but sadly sch wasn’t a good fit for us. Dropped me and Joash before he bring twins to minton for swim class. 

630pm papa and twins came home; dinner 

730pm grace swallowed fish bone and we tried to get her to swallow some rice and water. It didn’t work but she didn’t say much . Okie we wait and see. I go to the room to prepare for zoom. Joash has slight fever

745pm William asked for the dosage which I stared back at him. Coz usually the nurse will say the dosage but coz I wasn’t there, no one told him or he forgotten to ask. Tried calling pd, but he didn’t pick up. Lol..

750pm I hear a hysterical baby crying and his sisters trying their best to pacify him. Mr choo was in a dazed alrdy. He says his head is spinning aka he is fainting. I tell him to go lie on the couch. Cancelled my zooms. SOS some mommies on the recommended dosage etc. Managed to administer meds. Yeah ! By then William was gone. It’s not the first time it has happened. It’s his body telling him that he need rest. So I just let him lay on the couch. 

Oh before he fainted, he told Joy to go get dressings for me coz my knee’s having a period and overflowing like crazy liaoz.. so nice to have a teenager at home.

I went to close cranky Joash. Received the following text

At this moment, my heart is 满满的感恩.. what have I done to deserve this love from her. I’m so grateful really. 

After settling the baby, came out and walked into Grace room only to see her sitting up, in darkness hugging her giraffe.. she was in pain but she knows our hands are tight. I asked her if she would like to see a doctor immediately and she said yes. Told her to get dresssed and we will head down. 

Asked William to go into the room to zzz. Joy says she will hold fort at home and call me if anything. 

Prayed that kkh q wouldn’t b crazy. Thankfully it wasn’t. The nice doctors tried to find the bone and even did an x ray but no bone to be found. Oh well, came back home but at least Grace felt more at rest. She also got a free pass at home for the next 2 days. Lol.. 

At kkh 

Came home and joy was just done preparing her bf. I had to eat something before I could take my meds so she chatted with me. Shooed her to bed at 1130pm. 

Photo update from joy while I was at kkh.. haha 

It’s an eventful 24hrs but I’m so thankful that my girls have raised to the occasion. Really. 长大了也会开始体谅家人. Really thankful. 

Going to bed now. Showered, pump and also Just fed Joash his midnight milk . Tired but God’s protection and covering is with us every step of the way. A lot of things could have gone a lot worse but it didn’t. 

Tomorrow is a long day but I’ve cancelled my work appts. So hopefully that would help. 

Praying that the right ifc comes along soon. 

My slimming journey continues

Decided to kickstart my cupping sessions simply because I can no longer stand how obese I look and how much I’m gorging myself even after the delivery. 

Today is the first session and I pray that I have the determination to get rid of the calories that have so easily piled up during the pregnancy. True be told but the day before I deliver, I was 90.1 kg. Even after delivering a 3.4 kg before, placenta, water bag and other things, I’m still now 90.3kg. Not even breastfeeding helped to remove some calories. I think it made things worse coz fatigue made me eat crazy. I’ve tried to eat clean on my own, but it was always one step forward and two steps back. 

Not going to kid myself anymore that I can do it on my own. Decided to let the professionals do their job; I’ll try my best to eat clean in the midst of it and let God do the rest. Praying that God be with me in every step of this journey. It’s not just for beauty but for health,  God. I need to have the energy to carry Joash to play with him or be present for the kids in general. Steer me away from all the temptations. In Jesus name I pray, Amen!

20/9/21

Weight: 90.3kg

My work and I

Financial planning starts early. While I was preparing for my case today, Vera came over and ask what exactly do I do for work. So I wanted to tell her exactly what I’m doing. Bcoz it’s a rare thing that they are curious. Below is our conversation:

Vera: “ Mama, what exactly do u do?”

Me: “Well baby, I’m a financial adviser and I help people plan their monies.”

Vera: “Dont they know how to plan their monies?”

Me: “Well, my job is to help them grow their monies so that they become bigger and bigger” 

Vera: “ You mean like putting it in the bank for them?” 

Me: I smile and decided to draw a simplified drawing of what I was planning for my client. 

Her eyes sparkled when she saw how monies would multiply with time and said she also want to get this.. hahaha.. but when she realize it means waiting for a good 20yrs, the usual objections come out liaoz..hahaha.. 

“20 yrs is a long time.”

“Why would I need the money then ?”

“Can we do a shorter term?”

I was so delighted when she ask all those questions.. hahaha..

I told her that well, I could consider her concerns and customise something for her tomorrow night because I would need time to prepare something suitable for her. 

When I first started this job, my trainer always says that if you can sell successfully to a child, you would be able to sell it to anyone. That’s why I used to present to Sharon, my kid sister, who’s abt Vera’s age now. It’s like déjà vu and reigniting my passion and why I feel that financial planning is an important aspect of life and why it’s so easily misunderstood. 

Looking forward to the little conversation with the kids tomorrow.

Today’s such a hot hot day.. took the twins out coz they didn’t have school today. We went to Pasir Ris to pick up some documents from my client’s place, before dropping some mooncakes over at my mom’s. My mom decided to join us for lunch so she followed us to Jewel. 

Her delightful face when she gets to have one whole glass on her own.

Loving this picture coz I’m at the back.. hahaha..

Dropped mama back home, pumped and dropped twins at their tuition place. I was so tired and baked from all the driving.. plus Joash kept screaming and waking up last night.. and that was despite I decided to just give him the bottles yday.. felt like I had an hangover lo.. lol.. 

Finally reach home at 3pm and thankfully William will be bringing Joash along to pick his sisters from tuition. Managed to zzz for 2 hrs of uninterrupted sleep.. it’s really so nice.. to wake up naturally, not bcoz someone was arguing outside or to a wailing baby etc . I’m thankful for the rest. 

Enjoying the nice view from my bedroom. The twins are delayed from their tuition .. I hope time could freeze here for a moment. I hope I can zzz for another hr.. hahaha

Tonight William will be going to the hospital for his sleep test. I will be holding the fort at home and ideally if all’s good, I could still pick him up tomorrow morning. (Assuming tonight is easy) 

I had a random check on my blog to see what my life was about 12 mths ago and laughed when I saw this. It was things that I could do, for myself not as a mom. I will be back to do all of these (I hope) in time to come. Coincidentally I’m thinking of getting a small car for myself, an indulgence I know. Well, the hubby bought a new tv which arrived today. And I just thought maybe I should get something for myself too.. after all, it’s seldom that I get something for myself. It was always abt getting things for the kids or essential household stuff .. oh well.. we shall see coz I also don’t wanna it to turn into “need to work to pay for it” mentality. Will explore it further in the days to come. 

Next week going to be an hectic week with a few doctors appt and some zoom back to back.. praying for wisdom and strength to pull it thru .. 

Wfh

 I’ve always loved wfh; enjoyed the zoom sessions and the convenience of just lazing at home.. until Joash came into the picture .. lol.. 

Then it became hard to draw the line between a working mom and a mom mom..I find it hard not to rescue a crying baby if I’m not in the midst of a zoom session even though I might still be working. 

So in the end, I told William last week that it was so exhausting; to work at home and still jaga baby.. there, honest facts. 

So starting this week, I’ll be working from Minton, make good use of the lease, and hopefully kickstart the momentum. 

He packed my lunch this morning for me. Little gestures like this filled my heart with love and gratitude. I’m touched. 

Thankful for him. There is no one else I would want as my life partner, besides him. 

Trying to kickstart my work. It’s not easy. Probably the toughest this time round. But I know my God is with me. He is with me every step of my life and He will guide me and protect us. 

Amen !

Quick update

It’s been 3 full mths since my last entry. Been wanting to blog and update on my little happenings but I had neither the time nor the energy to do it. Even during the middle of the night pumps, I only had space to scroll thru online shopping to keep myself awake.. lol.. and yes there were a few impulse buys becoz of this.. hahaha

So right now I’m pumping in the nursery room at forum while waiting for the twins to finish their abacus class. It’s my 1hr break away from any of the kids but still stuck to my pump. I’m early for my pump but if I do it at home , it would b stealing time away from the baby or the girls. So it’s better that I do it now.

We have since shifted to our new place for 2 weeks ! Yeah! So glad that everything is finally coming together. On our first night there, I cried coz we got this place in a rush and there were so many little defects of the house that we had missed before signing the contract. And it’s hard to wrestle / demand changes after signing it.. that’s the hard fact of being a tenant in a landlord’s market. It’s really crazy. Coz some of the units we shortlisted were snapped up even before we could view. And we wouldn’t have been able to get this if not bcoz the first tenant who “booked” this place couldn’t start the lease earlier. I was also feeling emo emo that the twins had to give up their play kakis at minton becoz of the shift, but it’s really just my emo thinking la.. checked with them a couple of times before and after we shifted and all 3 girls were really happy tat they finally gotten a room of their own. So I guess it’s a YEAH! 

So many things to be thankful for, like how we manage to pack everything and shift; how uncle pig managed to unpack everything by that weekend itself .. if packing was headache, wait til u see the unpacking. I felt sorry for putting him thru this, and I told him that if we ever were to shift again, it would b for good. Not gonna rent anymore if it’s not this place. Even though financially, and the math / science behind it makes more sense to rent, but I think it’s the non quantitative things that I should factor into as well. Of coz if we can continue to stay here , good. If not then we will buy our next place. That’s my thoughts for now. 

Work wise, I’ve started to go back to work. But it’s so tough. This time round it’s so much tougher to go back to work. In the past, it’s so nice to just leave the house and go to work and come back feeling full of energy to jaga the babies. But now bcoz everyone is wfh, work and being a mama is clearly not separated. I can’t b in the room doing admin and not rush out to rescue a crying baby. Or I can’t continue my things and not try to catch up on the girls little happenings in their lives. I can’t. And it’s exhausting to juggle the many things. I’m just praying that God will give me the wisdom and energy to do what’s on my plate. After all, He will never give me too big a task if He knows I’m not up to it. 

Joash is growing well. At the last weighing, he has crossed 7kg even before 3mths. An incredible feat. Waiting for him to sleep thru. He did it for the first 3 nights at the new place, then he went back waking up every 3-4hrly… lol… patience is a rare commodity and I pray God gives me that to weather thru the night feeds and pumps. 

离家出走

- Posted on 30/6

I walked out today. Was frustrated that the girls were either quarrelling or criticising one another. It’s like never ending fights/bickers. It can happen for the least trivial things and today was one of those incidents that blew into a WW3. 

I don’t exactly know the details of today’s but it was somewhere along the line of needing to get lozenges for the twins bcoz our current supplies are finished, and both of them are on SHN so they asked Joy to go down to get for them. Both of them wanted to choose a flavour and Joy wasn’t keen to go down, or she don’t mind going down but she doesn’t wanna let them pick a flavour. (没有人肯让步）

I heard the commotion and told them it’s fine. I’ll go down. （求人不如求己）Took a mask and my hp and off I go. Sadly, I couldn’t find any lozenges neither at the condo minimart or the supermarket across the street. I wanted to cry lo.. 这么简单的事都办不到！I decided to walk, and before I knew it, I was at the bus stop. At that moment, I wanted to take the bus to the furthest destination, to run away. I was tired of being an adult, a mother to the kids and a daughter to my mom (that is a long story on its own). I wanted to just be myself, be alone. I wish I could turn all my kids to be babies so that their lives was simpler (eat/shit/sleep) and not so complicated like now. Or if I could, I wanna make all of them disappear and be alone or with William only. 

But I’m no magician and I’ve got to face reality. Called home and told the girls to tell william that I’m going nex to get lozenges and they can go ahead with dinner first. 

It’s nice to b alone at nex, even though there wasn’t anything exciting that I did. Thought I would shop and shop and let them skip dinner (coz william’s orders to the girls is they are not going to have dinner til mama is home.. lol)

Went to guardian to get some lozenges and meds for myself and an ice cream and I headed home. 

我的战利品

And that was it. I lead a boring life, I know. 

Today I finally engaged a Lactation Consultant to guide me on J’s latch. Suspected for a while that his latch wasn’t as perfect as his sisters and finally called one over. I was undecided between quitting entirely or just tahan the pain and hope that eventually it will work out. 

So the LC, who was highly recommended by many, was good, in teaching the latch. But she was a bit hard core to me appetite. Kept insisting that I just put him to the breast 24/7, to stimulate demand. Halfway thru the session, J already started wailing v badly bcoz he was super hungry (LC was 45mins late), and a hungry man is an angry man.  It got a bit stressful towards the end coz he just wanted his bottle and I also wanna just give him the bottle la.. 

I needed to also filter what she says bcoz my objective is to improve on the latch, so that the latching experience is more enjoyable. But if I kept insisting (the way she advise), yes I probably see good success in 2 mths time, but I also risk him quitting latching right now! He wail so badly just now that I almost cried too. For me, each additional day that J latches, is an additional bonus day  coz I had thought we would quit during my last emo emo post 

Another reason why I wouldn’t b so hard core is becoz I will b too tired if I do this 24/7, and I still have other kids that I want to be there for! There are many other things that I wanna do besides just breastfeeding him to b honest. And I’m not going to let mums guilt come attack me anymore! 

Feeling at peace at my realisation. I wouldn’t b surprised if J decides not to latch the next morning. But if he does, I’ll give thanks and enjoy that moment !

Leading a fugitive life part 1

 

This is the start of strategizing my pee breaks; pump timings and everything else. I’ve long forgotten how it feels like, when even my mere walking away would trigger the little man to wake up. 

It’s a bittersweet moment. Sweet bcoz his entire world is about me, bitter becoz it means relinquishing my freedom. 

Enjoying the peace we have at home becoz the twins went to grandma house for 2 days. And suddenly it seems so quiet at home. Told Joy it was probably the many staycations that the twins had last year that I felt the house needed more 人气 and thus my longing for another kid. She simply rolled her eyes 👀 at me. But I know deep down, she dotes on this little man! To which I’m thankful for. 

Giving thanks

 This sums up the 3D2N staycation at KKH.. 

Just so thankful that all’s well now and that the operation went well. It’s heartbreaking when the child is sick, even more so when he was hospitalized and needed to do an operation. 

But many things could have gone worse and I just wanna be thankful for this moment. That we are all home with him now. 

My 2nd kid to receive this honourable certificate.

And this is how I feel after I came home.. darn exhausting, even though I didn’t even do the night shifts at kkh. - photo by grace 

Can I also say that she is a better photographer than me!?? Hahaha

Chubby boy managed to learn to take the tutu while at kkh, bcoz his cow wasn’t always by his side. Came back and almost immediately decided not to take tutu anymore.. lol..

And it’s going to be his 满月 this coming Sunday. Not going to have any elaborate celebration. Just thankful that we survived.. 

““Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.25.niv

Are you a shot glass or a tumbler?

Saw this one during one of the late night pumps coz I was curious to know if I had Low supply or is it simply bcoz my breast capacity was limited. Turns out that supply and storage are 2 things altogether. 

Generally, the storage capacity is limited by the number of nodules one have and it can vary from as little as 3 to as many as 15! So that’s the reason why some people like me can only pump 1 oz while there are mummies who can pump 10oz at one shot! The idea is to “activate” all yr nodules at the initial weeks thru active breastfeeding/ pumping etc. Of coz if one naturally has lesser nodules to start with, then it would also be one of the limitations as well. Can refer to Here for more details . But the solution for shot glass people like me, is to either pump or latch more frequently or supplement la.. today, I’m not emo. And I’m chilled about it. (I can’t say for all days, just today). 

I cried the moment I saw this right picture. It’s assuring and comforting to know that it aren’t my fault entirely but at the same time self blaming to know that I probably will never be able to exclusively feed J. I didn’t realize the last time my supply was affected bcoz of PCOS coz eventually I still manage to feed grace quite well.. although it was probably after 3 mths or so.. the initial weeks were still supplemented with FM.. I rem confiding to my gfs that my yield (then) was so little that it wasn’t even enough for 1 singleton! But I just didn’t have the time or energy to investigate further. 

This time round, the yield is even lower.. and to b honest, on some days, it could hurt me so much (all the pressure/judgement/mom’s guilt I put on myself ), esp when I share with some friends and their replies are “Have you tried xxxx ?” 

I wanna tell them “Yes I have. And it didn’t work. Pls stop offering solutions. I just need a hug or a listening ear, not solutions.” The things I’ve tried :

- fenugreek 

- lactation cookies (yummy!)

- power pump 

- pumping 3 hrly and latching in between sessions 

- papaya fish soup

- eating lotsa fish or salmon 

- drinking more than 4 litres of fluids each day

- tong cao 

- rest 

- sunflower lentil (to prevent clogged ducts)

- domperidone

So you see, I’ve been a hardworking student. But no matter how hard I try, the most I’ve reached is 50ml and that’s when I do power pump which takes up an hr. I can’t possibly make all my pump sessions into an hr bcoz it’s too tiring and my life doesn’t revolve just next to a pump. I have other kids that I should give love and attention to. I would like to be able to play uno with the twins or discuss politics with Joy or simply just having a cup of coffee with my uncle choo.. 

And these few nights all the research just kinda explain it all. Women with PCOS generally have lesser glandular tissue so the number of nodules I have would b lesser. And even if all is activated (bcoz I’m a hardworking student right), the most I’ll get is marginal higher. I’m a shot glass which explains why my boobs will feel full every 2 hrly, but even when I pump, it will just be 30ml or lesser.. We came back from shopping and I overstretched my pump to 4hrs and the yield is the same.. faints. I thought I would b immune by now..

Oh well .. Anyway this post is to remind myself that I will just deliver whatever I produce possibly and that’s it. If the final drop end, then he will b on 100% FM, so be it.

I need to be nicer to myself. I know. I’m blessed even though I can’t be a cow. 

““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God ; believe also in me.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jhn.14.1.niv

An old friend’s visit

Have been trying all ways to boost my supply coz honestly it didn’t go up after I was discharged from the hospital .. haiz.. meaning I’m still pumping roughly the same amt on day 5 as compared to now - day 17. I’ve tried power pumping , making sure I drink at least 4l of fluids everyday, taking my fenugreek supplements, and even had 3 rounds of lactation cookies. Other than the cookies which helped perk my moods up, sadly none of the  recommended methods did little to rise supply up. 

Frustrated yes, but this also made me lean closer to God.. been praying and seeking God’s direction on this. If it’s meant to continue then pls increase my supply .. if it’s not meant to b, then cut even the little amt that I have. 

And I was reminded like a knock in my head.. a visit by an old friend - 

Sigh .. PCOS.. that probably explains why the yield is so little this time round. I rem during the twins time I also battled with Low supply but I just thought it was the lack of sleep that resulted in it.. and didnt think too much into it. 

But this time round I had more sleep, was more hardworking but still the results were meh.. 

William says that if I’m tired, we can always just dived into FM all the way but I aren’t ready to give up .. praying strengthens me.. and while doing any power pump at 4am, I stumbled into this :

https://www.llli.org/breastfeeding-with-polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos/

The author also has PCOS and even though she will never be able to provide exclusively for her child, she takes delight in the little achievements in life .. the fact that the baby is satisfied with nursing followed by the occasional bottle, or nursing to sleep etc .. it is a gentle reminder to me too.. that I shan’t be so obsessed/ stressed/ disappointed by what I can’t do. Instead I should take delight that baby J is still able to nurse, that I does his 3pm feeding and the occasional night closing plus desserts. 

Thankful for this article at 4am.. finishing my power pump soon.. 

Growth spurt

Just as I thought I’m going to be stuck with my pump forever, J had his first growth spurt on Thursday. He just kept drinking and drinking and refused to zzz... such that william and joy had to take turns to make him to zzz but he wasn’t sleeping well. 

So I took out my boobs and let him latch. Coz it’s easier to overfeed a baby with a bottle, then with my boobs la.. lol.. 

So in between his feeds, I was his dessert.. hahaha 

It felt good to be able to latch him and not b stress over it. It was still enjoyable during the afternoon but by his last feed (10pm), we gave him the bottle and all 3 of us fell asleep! William and I were afraid that he would wake up an hr later so better zzz while we could.. hahaha.. been so long since I zz at 10pm but it felt good !

This was taken by grace just a few days ago. I’m feeling better now, the blues seem to be gone for now, for which I’m thankful. 

Maybe it’s bcoz I had more sleep, or bcoz I had work as a distraction, or simply bcoz I’ve 看开 over the breastfeeding demands, I’m okie (for now). Life isn’t just abt how long u pump , or how much the baby drink etc ..hahaha.. mental health for the mama is also v impt too.

 

This chek chek takes so many selfie with the little man with my hp.. lol.. she calls him “the big boss”.. hahah

Thankful that they are hanging around well..