Reflections 2020

I wanted to do this earlier but somehow I got lazy / tired to even pen something. I know I've hit the goals I've set out for 2020 but its still good to reflect on them

1) Work 

Looking back at 2020, I managed to hit TOT, something I never thought possible. In fact , I hit much more than TOT! In total I probably hit about 9 rounds of MDRT! And its all possible bcoz of God who made it Himpossible. 

I don't think I worked a lot harder more this yr but somehow God just opened the cases for me. And I'm thankful for how He has showed time and time again, to always trust in Him and wait upon Him. 

2) #4

We went for our scan on the last day of 2020. The twins went along too, bcoz they wanted to be the first to know the gender. We are having a baby boy! 🥳

I never thought it was possible to be pregnant again; at least not naturally; after being infertile for more than 10yrs. I didnt think God would grant me my desire when I prayed / cried out to Him for another child. I felt like Sarah in the bible but God proved again that nothing is impossible in His eyes. 

But yet carrying this child hasn't been a ride in the park. I felt ungrateful and emo when I was first pregnant. I'm a lot better now (PTL!) and I pray that thru it all, this is a challenge to make me a stronger and better person. 

Was just recalling with Uncle Pig that just a few mths ago, I was still having the crazy thoughts of pursuing a 2nd degree / doing some cosmetic  surgery / getting a car just for indulgence. But God had bigger and more meaningful plans. He didn't want me to get a Merc just bcoz I could afford it; He wasn't done with me here at my current marketplace. And I shouldn't be wasting my talents. 

3) family 

The girls have finally come to terms with #4 addition. They have started to be more understanding and patient (twins especially) towards me, to which I'm thankful. I hope they wouldn't react like what Joy did when the twins first arrived. But oh well, that is a problem that we will face when it comes.

Resolutions for 2021

1) Double TOT

- I heard it loud and clear few weeks ago, when I was still struggling with my nausea and emo. I know I said to my colleagues that I intend to just chill out for next year and enjoy the new family addition; be a SAHM; n smell the roses 🌹.  

But after resting for close to 2 mths, I know I'm well rested and ready to go..haha... It still seem like a daunting task esp since I dunno how much I could work in 2021 but I am no longer afraid of the big goals. I know I only need to do my best and He will do the rest. Its just so easy. If He is willing, everything will fall in place, according to His plans. 

2) Weight

Yes, the amt of food I've been eating is so scary and I pray that when all of this is over, I'll be able to go back to clean and sane eating. I certainly do not wish to see my weight going back as per previously.

I'm thankful for all that He has provided for 2020. I couldn't have asked for more. Praying that the delivery would b smooth; n that we would adapt well to parenting again. Praying that God gives me rest (havent been sleeping v well lately) and also remove my constipation..haha..I've resorted to drinking prune juice but that hasn't been of much use..

Goodbye 2020, Harlow 2021

Lunch appt

Met a client for a review over lunch today and she asked how old the twins are. Her eyes glowed when I told her that they are 6 now. She commented that how time flies..Indeed it has. She has been my client for 8yrs.

It seem like yday when I broke down in front of her during one of our many lunch appts, lamenting abt my infertility (IF) struggles and how hard it is to just survive, breathe and pretend that IF doesn't hurt. It remains one of the toughest challenges of my life, battling depression and IF. It must have been too much for me that I wept in the midst of our appt; in front of someone I wasn't even close to. I was surprised when the emotions took the better of me but my client was pretty chilled about it. She comforted me; encouraged me and watched the many phrases that I went thru..

As I looked thru the #infertility posts that I've made in 2011, I'm glad that God was with me / us thru the many seasons. No words can express my emotions. And when I caught snippets of 《新生》aka "Babies on Board" this morning, I was reminded of how real IF is. And I just wanna take this time to encourage the friends that are still trying. I pray that God, you prepare and warm their womb, that You breathe life into their wombs, so that they too could experience parenthood. God, I pray that You carry them in this journey, that even though it seems arduous, You strengthen and comfort them. I pray that You send angels to them too, just like how you've send this client to me, so that they have someone to share this with. I know it's hard but we are all rooting for u ! In Jesus name I pray, amen!

Me

While waiting for my appt today, I went back to the initial beginnings of my blog..why I started this blog and how I had hoped thru my blog, others would be blessed and hopefully eventually I would be able to remember about God's blessings upon me..

It was refreshing to re-read some of the posts. And I definitely blogged more in 2011 when I was struggling with IF compared to any other years of my life..lol..

I always remember this stage of Joy, where she would always always pray together with me and for me, that I would conceive. Such was the (strong) faith of a 3 yr old. Even though there are times that she wished she was an only child, I know that she loves her sisters v much. And today is an example of it. It is "chek-chek" season now..  everything the twins want, they want to do it with their big chek chek. And today Vera actually accidentally fell off my bed and Joy managed to coax her to stop crying within minutes. Lol..

Thankful for God's wonderful blessings to me.. thankful that for every obstacle/challenge that happened, He is always with us, to guide us and to teach us. Thank God for everything

Emo day..

Have you ever have friends who happened to be clients? Those that kinda "supported" you when you first started this biz, but after a while, you stopped reviewing them for work bcoz it was too tiring and frustrating to do so? The reasons could be many, but for me, it was becoz it was frustrating to always having to wait for > 45 mins for each appt, and/or having aeroplanes in the midst of it.. meaning for every 10 appts we scheduled, i probably only managed to meet them twice, and of the times when we finally met, it was always after waiting for > 45 mins. And in the end, I finally decided not to meet any of such appts in 2009/2010 coz I was battling depression due to infertility and the emotional rollercoasters (due to infertility/ aeroplanes) were extremely hard. I thought since I couldn't control the former, i should at least control the latter. I thought it was easier to meet strangers for they view you independently as an adviser, no strings attached. (the-dun-like-to-meet-strangers-story is for another day)

Anyway, I do have a handful of such people, and I stopped meeting them after a while. Not meeting for work first, and eventually when our paths no longer cross, we also seldom meet for catch ups.. and every once a while, when these people popped up in my mind, the feelings are mixed. I like to go back to them, be it as a friend, or be it bcoz of my work obligations. But I was afraid. Afraid of not knowing what to say/do, afraid that the same disappointments come back again.

But this 2017, I want to overcome this. And I'm meeting a friend/client this friday as a review. I searched thru the records, and the last time we did a review was in  2010! The last time we met as friends were in 2012! I felt bad as an adviser, having neglected my initial crop of sheep, especially since they were the ones who "supported" me before anyone endorse me for the work i do. And it's scary to think that we are meeting this fri. What should I say? work first or friend first?

Praying to God for His widsom and guidance on this situation. May He provide me with strength to carry on with this appt!

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.[a] Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil.This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. - Proverbs 3:5-8