Peaceful Easter Weekend

This is by far one of the most peaceful Easter weekends I ever had.. i remember for the longest time when the girls were little, the long weekend often meant many meltdowns, endless cryings and battles after battles.. i tried to search on my blog, but i probably can't find it. Just a snippet of Easter here

Anyway this weekend, I went to NUS with joy.. the last time i was here with her was 9 yrs ago! And I drove past that college today too..How time flies when that NUS visit was initiated by her school back then to encourage the kids to be motivated to study hard so that they can go to a better university when they grow up.. 

Now that kid has grown up. She's going for her BMT on Tuesday, and overseas uni in Sep.. that little bun.. my little baby..

Uncle Choo whipped up a feast today.. as a farewell treat for the firstborn ba.. 

But little did I know that as I was chatting with him at the end of the dinner, he was overwhelmed with emotions.. 

"I'm not ready for her next phrase of life.." he said softly..

My quiet giant.. 🥹🥹🥹

I know he's proud of her. I am too. And even though we are proud of her achievements, and how sensible she has blossomed over the years, this moment is HARD. She made us parents first.. its as if she's our first teacher..lol.. 

Praying that God continue to guide her in her next season, that God comfort my CEO, that he has peace in his heart. 

THank you Jesus for everything! Amen!

新年

At 88, if the growing up fears/insecurities were not resolved, it will continue to surface even at this age. 

And this is my MIL. 

It’s Saturday and William is hosting his cousins and relatives. He has to pick her up before 4pm so that the party will start. And the plan is for Joash to nap with me during this period, so that both of us have enough battery before it starts. 

Just as we woke up, and I asked Joash to go out to greet his grandma, this was what happened:

Mil: “Why didn’t you come pick me up? Is it u don’t love me anymore?” 

Joash: probably a stunned look. 

To be honest, I was really triggered hearing this in my room. 

My thoughts playing in my head: 

“Yes, my son loves me more, you have any problem?” 

“What the f*** did u have to say this to my son?”

And the list goes on. 

At this moment, I wanted to just head to church. Coz the girls had a choice of choosing church or stay home to host. And I presume I could too. 

🥹🥹🥹

And this was going thru my mind the whole time. 

I wanted to leave for church. Let me change. 

As I was changing, I was reminded by how the man loved me and doing this (even if he allow, would put him in a fix). 

Hiding in the room while I could hear the loud loud chattering happening outside. 

I decide to honor my man, decide to be nice. Decide that no matter the triggers, I choose to be here for my man. 

It’s also a reminder that I should confront all my fears and insecurities now at 45 and not let it drag til old age. 

She’s my motivation to grow old to be a 快乐老人。

Our long weekend

Feel so good to swim on a Monday morning, even though the sun was pretty unbearable towards the end. Life unfiltered. Just wanna admire the current me, even though I’m covered with white hair and old age spots. But there are many other things to be grateful for. I’m blessed with good health, so are my family. We have the option to travel if we want to, if time and health permits. 

As one ages, the things that I’m grateful for have become smaller in nature. Little blessings - are enough for me. Life is too short to be stressed and overwhelmed with fleeting things. Even a cafe that we visited frequently has closed down for good.. sigh..they served the best 辣椒板面 in my opinion.

Joy had a party last week, which she invited over 20 friends. It was tiring to even just see her jumping from circles to circles to make sure each diff friend group doesn’t feel neglected. It’s nice to have kids at this age where we just provide food and space.. and they will figure it all out on their own. 

All the kids were delighted with the cake. William said it’s redemption for not baking for her for the last few yrs, coz we were always shifting in Aug.. lol..she was proud of her cake coz her friends told her it was the best they had, and I think it made her very proud 😊 

Did a small scale bbq just among ourselves coz my kids love bbq and none of us had the social capacity to entertain.. hahaha.. so it was just us, which was really nice coz we didn’t have to make sure our guests were well fed or comfortable. There were no guests and our helper was on off, so everyone helped chipped in a little. Grace even took the little boy to swim, so that joy and I could start the fire.. hahaha

Happy birthday to me!

Finally got a chance to burn some calories today. Hardly exercise for the whole of June coz helper is away. And then by the time we do the sch drop offs, the sun is so bright that it’s so hard to swim. Plus I was lazy too la.. haha

Decided to do something for myself today. And it was nice to do a swim and just laze by the pool beds after that. 

Not doing anything fancy today coz no helper and I just didn’t wan William to 忙到半死 just for my bday. Everyday is a happy day as long as everyone’s healthy. 

Went for a simple lunch at our usual Korean restaurant before he dropped me off to meet Joy at TTSH for her medical appt. Long story short, she’s going to start some injections every week from next week. I just pray that this would work and that her condition would improve. 

By the time we were done, it was almost 6pm. Rushed home to see William still busy preparing for dinner. I was supposed to pick Joash but by the time the TTSH appt was done, it was kinda too late. 

He made Korean cold noodles! And it tasted to my liking.. hahahaha.. it’s not like the typical kind where the noodles are gooey, his version is slightly better and more suited for me (I feel but I could b biased too.. hahaha) 

I’ve been craving for Korean cold noodles for a long time and I’m glad this worked out! Hahahha.. then we could always have this anytime we wanted. And the best part is we could top it up with our fav meats and not the miserable few pieces of meat that we get when we dine out. 

Had so much emotions as I see this picture. 

孩子长大了，我们都老了。我想我人生中做最对的决定就是嫁给你，跟你一起把这些人带大。。哈哈哈哈。。生日愿望很简单。希望我爱的人和爱我的人都健康、快乐。

A heart of thankfulness

The helper has been back for 2 weeks++. And so far, it’s mere exhuastion + thankfulness. 

She is only coming back in another 2 more weeks coz I don’t know why we agree to a 1 mth break for her. lol.. this morning Joy was still saying that she misses our helper and that we shouldn’t have agreed on a 1 mth break. I told her we were afraid if we said 2 weeks she would just not renew her contract. Hahahha.. 

累是累可是 everyone has been helping out with some of the chores just so that papa Choo wouldn’t need to do as much. But when I said some, it’s really tiny some. Lol.. 

But I’m thankful that the girls and even Joash stepped up in helping. Breakfast w the girls this morning, and they were telling me some of the changes they have made. Eg, reusing their bath towels instead of changing everyday, and I hear them discussing abt re-wearing their sch uniforms (now that sch is going to start tomorrow), coz the turnover isn’t as quick as last time. I’m glad that the girls get to wear some of their less popular clothes bcoz of this too.. hahaha.. some clothes where they had forgotten they actually have, bcoz our helper turnover is T+1. 

Penning this down so that we can all laugh it over again in time to come. 

We had a big fight last night. What’s new right.. 要不甜蜜到死，要不吵架到两败俱伤。 

Context: the twins have been sick for a while. And vera just didn’t wan to eat any medicine anymore. She also whine a bit la.. and the uncle was frustrated with her for the whole entire day. I came home at abt 5pm and saw the pek chek uncle, who probably is only punishing himself and everyone else (except vera) with his black face. 

By bedtime I was getting frustrated coz clearly innocent family members shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. 

And he’s just been tekan by Vera for 1 single day.. oh come on! I’ve had it worse lo.. 🙄🙄🙄 

Coupled with a lack of sleep (coz he’s been doing night shifts for the last 1 week).. all acts up to be the perfect ingredients for a major explosion. 

And there wasn’t any conclusion after the fight. He says he’s tired and wanted to go to bed. I took the night shift again and woke up at 2am to settle the little man. And was wide awake all the way til 5am. 

And this is my Saturday. 

Life unfiltered. Life with lotsa ups and downs. But all shall pass, in time to come.

Update: woke up this morning and he seems to be better. Oh at least he tried to do the morning duty. 

Made me breakfast with some of the kitchen leftovers. 

After which we went to meet our friends at Jewel for lunch. 

Me!

Send this two off in the early morning and headed for gym. The twins offered to go to school on their own while my helper will bring Joash to sch . Thank God for a great helper! We can do this ! 

Trying not to let my emos run all over the place. Haven’t zzz well for the last few days coz Joash has been waking up at the wee hrs and doesn’t zzz back til few hrs later. Was so tempted to get an almond croissant or eat happy after my BFT, but I managed to stop myself. I need to detach my feelings from eating..hahahah.. I don’t need to rely on food to balance my emotions. I could use healthier outlets. May God grant me the strength to pull it thru

My cross stitch has been a great distraction.. lol.. takes my mind away from all the anxiety.. just need to find someone to adopt it when I’m done! 

My goal for the next 2.5 weeks :

1) spend more time with the twins 

2) pick didi up from school and bring him for the late afternoon swims 

3) exercise 4x a week 

4) complete my cross stitch 

Maybe I should do a solo trip. Hahaha.. just thinking out loud. Todays just the first day of the week.. Jiayou Lena! 我可以的

How much time do we have?

不知道是不是因为自己老了，所以突然开始问这个问题。如果女人的平均年龄是八十，那我应该还有三十年。如果大叔和他老爸一样，我和他只剩下不到两年，不到700天。那我们要怎么用我们在一起的时间呢？

The realisation that we might not be together led to fear and emo. Like how I had taken for granted that we are young and we are going to be with each other til 七老八十. 

If I have only 2 days left on this earth, what would I be doing then? Would I still be scrolling my phone on FB / IG or watch those YouTube mukbangs? 🙊🙊🙊

Note to self: 

1) Be more mindful of my time. Not that there are any health scares etc but it is still a good reminder that I might not have all the time with this man, or with my parents and family. 

2) To cherish the times when we can still hug and have meaningful conversations together. To remind myself to set time together for dates, not simply 陪伴。to remind myself that all the msgs can wait til I reach home to reply. My time in the car is for him and solely him. (We used to have this rule of not using Hp while in the car, so that we can have conversations tog); to be more purposeful in our relationship. 

Conflict management

明明知道他在生气，可我什么都没说。我也很气他。There isn’t the perfect solution and no one is 100% right or wrong. We each have our view points. 

I was angry that he wasn’t home when the kids fever shot up. He said he was at the new house checking out the lights installation. I was guilty of not being home bcoz I was still having back to back zooms. Who am I to be angry with? If I hadn’t packed that crazy, I could have been the one at home. And to make matters worse, I was having so much guilt that I just lashed at it when I came home. 

I know I shouldn’t have. I know he’s just trying to use his small pockets of time to do the best for the family. 

I’m torn. Between the angry man and my bedtime. I’m tired but I want to mend the cold war before it drags further. 

I’m torn bcoz this is the second/third week I felt that my family were compromised bcoz I worked too much. A friend ask me yesterday why I’m working so hard. My answer to her is bcoz I wanted to prove to those who placed their trust in me that 他们没有看错。要做就要做好，要不就不做。This too shall pass. It’s the initial phrase that’s harder, I know. This is the same for all new beginnings.

The thing abt being married for 17yrs means that in a conflict like this, I no longer say spiteful things. U know.. things like “let’s split. (Split 什么鬼)?” Or pack my bags and 回娘家。lol… just suck thumb and try to look intently in his shoes and realize that 我们都错，可是我们都是为这个家付出。

I cried myself to sleep coz we were both tired. But he did kiss me in the morning before sending Vera to sch. So we are good

 

Fruitful weekend

Visited the Woodleigh NPC open house this morning. Honestly, we usually skip such events coz the mountain of people, long queue and crazy weather will cause me to feel overwhelmed, not even mentioning my kids! 

But I decided to give myself + my kids a chance. After all, we did a school carnival on Saturday, and the crowd was so super crazy too. Wouldn’t have agreed to it, if not bcoz Joy invited us. And despite the crowd, all 4 kids had enjoyed themselves. I didn’t get to see Joy at the carnival but William said she came over and help took care of Joash for a while. I was in charge of the twins and we took some kiddy rides, had some overpriced carnival food; face painted and sprayed their hair in blue. 

The whole experience, even though tiring, was pretty pleasant. Was thankful that we forged some good memories together. Even Joash had a lot of fun! He took 3x on the train which actually means 6-9 rounds around the school entrance. Being cheapo parents, William just let him take the ride on his own coz more 划算 to spend the same amt of $ and maximise the number of rides.. hahaha

So on the way home, I asked the twins if they would be keen to go to the police open house the next day. This was what I said.. 

Me: Would you girls be keen to attend the police open house tomorrow? There will be police vehicles behind showcased; visit to the police station (which we have never done before) etc

Twins: Yes!!!

Me: Let me manage both yr expectations first. There will be ALOT of people, maybe even more than today’s carnival, much longer queues; crazy heat etc. I need you all to understand that it will be super tiring for mama especially. I do not want to see a situation where, after the event, you girls start screaming at each other or worse, kill each other. I do not want to bring you girls on a treat, and later regret and wished I hadn’t done that in the first place. Do you understand?

Me: if you girls would like to go, I need u all to EXPECT the following 

1) Long queues and CROWDS

2) Crazy Weather 

And what I expect of you all:

3) Do not tell me you are bored

4) Pls be kind to each other for the whole entire day

Me (also) : I will be over stimulated and I know Vera will be too. So if you girls can do the above, we will go. 

And both of them agree. 

And right after the conversation, I personally felt a lot better. Coz I was setting the stage not just for them but for me. It is normal that after going to such an event, we end up being so tired and overwhelmed and start blowing our fuses. But if we can talk abt it, then all of us could extend a bit of grace to one another. 

We went and maybe becoz we had the “staging” beforehand, everything went well today. We splited ways and queued at different lines, depending on which kid was interested or not. The crowds were a lot more manageable bcoz we reach before it was open. Thank God! 

Completed the place abt 1hr plus and headed for our fav ramen place at Paya Lebar Square. Kids were happy; I’m happy. Tummy and in spirit. Hahahaha

The kids were treated to ice cream for behaving their best after that. Came home and showered. Joash and i napped while vera went for her art class. 

We probably can do more of such activities now that the twins are older I guess. Coz when they were younger, it’s just sheer exhaustion when we go out happily but come back w grouchy, over stimulated kids.. 

Fruitful weekend! Thankful 

Saying goodbye for my deeply sensitive child

One morning while Vera and I were spending our special one on one, I told Vera excitedly that we have finally found a buyer for the bunk bed. Her heart sank. She was under the impression that the bunk bed was going to her brother’s (which was the initial plan until we realize that his tiny room wasn’t able to fit). Our mistake for not updating her too. I honestly didn’t expect that we would be able to find a buyer so fast. 

Anyway, my deeply sensitive child was feeling super super sad. You could see the deep anguish in her eyes and overall body language. She wasn’t sulking or throwing a tantrum etc. She was just sad and quiet. The me one year ago would probably say “ Can you not be so drama? Just tell me what’s wrong with you etc!!” .. 

This was what I did. I patted her on her back, look at her eye to eye and said the following:

Me: “My dear, I know you are feeling sad over the bunk bed. I know you are EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to it. And farewells are hard. I know. Shall we do a farewell party for the bed? We could take some pictures with it, say a prayer, and do a sleepover together this weekend?”

Vera: she shrugged 

Me: You can think abt the ways we can do the farewell. Just like how we recently held a funeral for yr shoes (too small) and my slippers. 妈妈知道你不舍得离开你的床 but Unfortunately, our new place does not have the space for it.

I gave her a moment to digest. 

She agrees to the sale. (Coz I was prepared to tell William not to do it if she really can’t handle)

By lunch time, she was fine. 

These were photos we took the night before the movers came. I was unfortunately unable to be around due to a late night zoom 🥹 but I’m glad that William and I both acknowledged her feelings. 

When I came back, I ask Joy why she wasn’t in the picture, she 🙄🙄🙄 and said “it’s just a bed Mom”. 

Every child is unique and special. I’m starting to enjoy my time with this special child. 

Fast forward to today, the movers came and over dinner we had a conversation.

Me: “so vera what do u feel now?”

Vera: mummy! My room is so big now!!! I’m so happy! 

I’m so glad that we turned something sad into a teachable and sweet memory for all of us. She has taught me how to be more sensitive towards her feelings and emotions, something all of us used to brush off easily. 

Feeling proud of my progress as a parent. Wouldn’t have been possible if Shu hadn’t given me some pointers on how to relate to deeply sensitive kids. So thankful that our paths crossed 🥰

Day 5

 Joash slept til 930am this morning but this was with a 2hr interval from 4-6am. I was so hungover this morning that I scrapped the zoo excursion. Mayb I’ll do it on Sunday. So angry with myself for not being able to let him zzz properly. Decided to let him go sch today since his diarrhoea was cleared. But the moment he left, the moms guilt overwhelmed me. Oh man! Why is it so difficult to b a mom!! Why don’t dads have this issue? 

Promised myself that I’ll pick him up once I end my zoom call in the afternoon. Picked him at 4 and by dinner time I was kinda questioning my life choices liaoz.. haiz.. 穿牛角尖的女人很麻烦。可以对自己好一点吗？

Bcoz of the solo parenting plus severe lack of sleep, I ended up eating so much carbs this week. Even had a huge cup of ice cream after I made him zz today.

Couldn’t quite decide if I should let him continue sleeping here and me having interrupted sleep or putting him back to his cot and missing out on all the night cuddles. I know I’m problematic and I wish life was as easy as 1-2-3! 

I wanted to confirm my Japan flights for mar next year but on the other hand I’m worried that the helper wouldn’t b able to manage Joash all by herself. Esp when he’s a night terror. Anyway shall wait til the man is back. I know he has booked the accoms but aiya free cancellation.

Day 2

Last night was bad. Joash woke up at 3am and only zz 2hrs later after I screamed at him. 🥹🥹 The thought of bringing him for a car ride did cross my mind but I’m afraid of it’s repercussions. He is obviously bullying me and the helper. Haiz…felt really bad that I was incompetent to make him zzz. That I had to resort to violence or scolding. And even after that I hardly zzz coz it was really too squeeze for 3 pax on the bed. He woke up at 7, and vera hug him to zzz so that I could have more space. They woke up by 9 and she took the morning shift while I zz for a while longer. I’m thankful for her, such is the merits of having a highly sensitive child I guess. Never saw it as a virtue until last yr. 

Had wanted to bring them to the outdoor water play but helper says that Joash seems to have diarrhoea and soft poop which means we are grounded. Gave him some meds. Will bring him to the pd and most likely no sch😭😭😭

人老了。每当需要熬夜，隔天起来不管睡多少都觉得不够。 Finally understood why uncle pig always rejected my proposals for weekend excursions bcoz he’s always too tired from all the night duties. 

Had lunch at home before bringing the two girls out to study. 

As much as I wanna take a nap, I know Joash wouldn’t zzz if I’m around. And vera definitely is more well behaved studying outside. So here we are. 

In the air

1.5hrs before we finally land in Istanbul. I think it’s most likely that we are going to miss the connections. 

Nonetheless I’m thankful that this flight went passed pretty smoothly. Joash behaved a lot better on this long haul, thank God! 

For someone who doesn’t really enjoy traveling, I certainly have a lot of trips coming up. Pre Covid, my goals have been to always bring my loved ones on the trips that I qualify. That’s why I brought Dowager to Iceland in Feb and the two men for Istanbul. 

Istanbul and the hot air balloon are something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Missed out on a trip to Istanbul when I was studying in the Netherlands and when the chance came up again this yr, I just wanted to come visit this place rich of Islamic + European culture. 

Praying for journey mercy for the rest of the journey. Not sure how our luggages and flights would end up to be, but God is in control. Taking my time to enjoy the peace and serenity of this trip. It’s only that many years where Joash can still travel with us without skipping MOE curriculum. 

Not sure why breakfast is served at this timing when it’s 3pm Turkish timing and 8pm sg timing. But since boy is eating well, so be it.

I’m thankful that the job allows me to bring my family along for the trips. That I don’t need to plan much for the trips and we are always well taken care of.

Update: and we did missed our connecting flight. We made a run for it upon landing but The terminal was too big. We tried our best but by the time we reached the gate, the gate was for another flight. Had to walk all the way back to the transfer desk to repurchase our plane tickets. 

Went to Burger King for our dinner before going to the gates for boarding. 

I guess sometimes things don’t happen the way we want all the time. It’s how we react to such situations that make it an enriching journey. I’m thankful that I’m together with these two men. 

Waiting for the plane to start it’s magic. Last min booking means sitting all the way back and window seats. But it’s okie. I’m w my most favourite men. I screwed up and they continued this with me. I’m thankful. 

Always very proud to be called a Singaporean, especially when I see the night scenery this evening. William suggested going for a night walk so that our helper could make Joash zz regularly, less the boy gets too used to us doing the night closing. 

我的背影美吗？

Been feeling a bit overwhelmed these few days. And it’s nice to be dragged out by him. I need the extra dose of endorphins. We had a long talk, abt everything under the sky. It felt so good to be open abt my fears, my struggles; everything. Most of the time, it’s hard to hold a long conversation without any distractions at home. 

My goal is to grow old together with you 

I remembered he took a similar pic of this when the girls were much younger. The link can be found here. 

Thankful that we went out tonight. Even though by the time we came back, the boy was crying inconsolably. It’s fine. We will go out earlier next time.. hahaha

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

 

It’s scary to grow old.

Mama got warded 2 nights ago bcoz she suddenly had low BP; blacked out; experienced numbness on her face. She said she felt like her head was going to explode. All signs pointing to stroke. 

Bro send her in middle of the night and since there were restrictions on visitation currently I only came in the next day. 

It’s scary to grow old not bcoz of the sickness but bcoz I can see how critical/ naggy my mama has became of me, ever since she retired. Everyday I come over is just a chance to let her niam niam niam.. haiz.. 

I told J that at this rate, I’m going to smoother her with the ward pillow. 

I love my mom. And I know she is proud of me too. But somehow, her vocab that she uses when it comes to me, are all critical. I hope I wouldn’t grow old and be like that to my kids. Or if retirement is going to b like this, I shall continue working for as long as I can. 

Just ranting coz I’m in the ward with her. Blogging gives me some sanity. 

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Life of a working mom

Waiting for my work zoom to start on a Saturday morning while William brought the young kids to the zoo today. Thankful that I could work in peace but nonetheless guilty that I had forgotten to free up 5th week for this. This is how joint partnership looks like. We cover each other’s ass. Just like that. 

I have my struggles too when I have to split my time between parenting and work. I enjoy my work and it is fulfilling too. And yes, it can b pretty demanding at times as well. I feel like a 有用的人 when I work. More often than not, we lose our identity when kids come along. I don’t want that to happen. That’s why we try to juggle both concurrently.

The uncle is sick. His turned positive a day after mine. And u can see the difference in our symptoms. Mine’s largely mild, and I probably am functional 80% of the time. He is trying his best to still help, but pls la just zzz okie…

Can I also say that I’m so thankful for our new helper! She’s holding the fort at home now and has been Joash main caregiver when both me and William are down. Thankfully I taught her how to go ntuc few weeks ago!! If I had waited for William to do it, I think even up to now also she dunno where it is lo.. hahaha.. 

She just came back from a massive grocery run. Going to cook lunch for the family! Yeah! 

We will overcome this ! 

Covid party

Covid officially entered our home over the long weekend,  Grace woke up with fever and cough and as our usual protocol, we did an ART and it showed positive almost immediately. Gave her some meds. 

We all did our tests and only she got it. Vera was clearly upset bcoz I decided to cancel our party plans. Was supposed to attend a gathering and even though we were all negative, it just didn’t feel right to still go. She sobbed big tears. The last min change + disappointment was too much for her to cope. I gave her a big hug and patted her. Stood with her while she cried. Then we chatted. We talked about a lot of things and I ended with a prayer for her. 

Once I was done with her, I went to comfort grace. She was feeling miserable - for being the one who brought Covid home and the reasons mama had to cancel all the plans. I told her that it wasn’t her fault and she might not even be patient 0. And it didn’t really matter who is actually. What matters is that she should try to drink lotsa water and recover. 

Aiyo, my 2 girls.. by noon I was exhuasted but feeling accomplished. Coz I managed to diffuse their bombs without me having an explosion myself. 

I think I did well today. I told the girls that we shouldn’t give in to fears. And nothing else matters as long as we are together as a family. 

I’m thankful that I manage to use this as a parenting lesson as well. Coz kids pick up the underlying message faster than what we want them to learn. What and how we react to situations will form part of their learning journey and childhood. I hope one day as we reflect back on today, my kids will remember the cool things we did, despite having Covid. That we had ice cream and lotsa tv and suduku! Hahahha..

P/s : Joash woke up motn with a fever. Carrying him to zzz as I type this entry. Keep us in prayers! 

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

This is how solo parenting looks on good days. Not everyday is great, and that’s why it makes them extra special. There are days when I wished I wasn’t a mother to the 4 kids; that I was known as @queenlena, and not @mrsqueenchoo. But there are days when I ask myself how blessed am I, that God give me the privilege to be the mom of 4 wonderful kids. It hasn’t been easy, especially when the kids age gap are so wide! Concurrently I’m doing P4 revision; trying to be a friend to the firstborn and learning to be a new mom to the youngest again. It’s not easy. But I wouldn’t have it other ways. 

When I was first mom to Joy, it was a lot of trials and errors. More often than not, she’s our “guinea pig”, our teacher to our parenting journey. I remember making silly mistakes like mixing her meds into her milk just so that she would finish them all. I eventually realize that is the quickest way to get a milk strike, and never again repeated that mistake. Her name fitted her so well, coz she was a joy to us. 

When I became mom the second time, it was hard. And I guess that was also the reason God made us wait for 5 years before giving us a pair of twins. Those 5 years of battling infertility, drew me closer to God. I remember questioning God, why didn’t He send us more kids, when He says “to be fruitful and multiple”. I eventually learnt that it was to shape us to be prepared, bcoz the second time isn’t going to be as easy. The sleepless nights weren’t just doubled, it felt like tripled or endless, to be honest. Not only did I felt that I was a single parent to a newborn (coz there were days when we each just took a baby), I still had to be attentive to the demands of my toddler, who was 不大不小 - independent and mature, but she’s a toddler after all, and very needy at that stage. But God guided us in every step of that arduous journey. And eventually we got the hang of it. 

- Jan 2014

- Cny 2020

Now that I’m 40s, and mom to our last baby, the feeling is complex. Happy that  I have one last baby to savour every last baby moments, but scared that we can’t provide enough time and energy to the 4 of them. I feel like an old and new mom at the same time; old bcoz the past experiences have taught us how to respond better this time round, new bcoz there are new things that weren’t popular in the past ! 

Thankful for the opportunity to be the mom of these 4 kids. I love ya all! 

Happy Mother’s Day to me! 💐🌸🌷