Emo Weekend

Been feeling super tired but unable to fall asleep every night. It’s the season where I wanna do a lot of things but I have neither the time nor the brains to carry it all. 

A friend asked what I’m doing this weekend and my reply to her was : 2 work zooms + pre trip emo+ PSLE + trying to achieve my / team work goals. 

Not willing to give up without a fight, but which should I start my fight with first? 

不知道 which is more impt to me. I did math revision for the last 2 days with the two of them, and I remember telling William that they should be prepared that they wouldn’t be able to qualify for their “dream schools” coz of the tardiness in their work, even up to now. They aren’t prepared for the big exam, and to be honest, I don’t really care.. lol..that’s why I don’t think I should sacrifice my time for this. 3 hrs of work is definitely less tiring than 3 hrs of parenting / 陪读 / 吐血. I was so mentally drained out that I started stress eating again. I don’t remember feeling so down when Joy had her PSLE. 

So since I’ve already knew the answer, than why not just work? Esp since we are fine with the girls receiving whatever results for their PSLE. 

I guess it’s mom’s guilt, or the feeling that mayb things would be different if mama was more present with them.. coz work is always just work, and even if I don’t hit my work goals, there’s still next yr. 

不甘愿我需要在两者之间选，也不觉得就算我选择PSLE，会有什么差别。

Growing Old pains

Growing old is painful. And I can imagine as the coming years come, it will just get more painful. 

 

Barely 1 week after I made a new pair of reading glasses, I stopped wearing them bcoz it’s simply too troublesome to keep switching between the normal one vs the reading glasses. My joy was short lived.

And then I accidentally saw a promo for progressive lens at Owndays, and walked in. And long story short, I made another pair of glasses, and the price tag for either one was 🙈🙈🙈 

最气人的应该是 I thought of using the promo to get an affordable pair but end up topping up so much for all the little things that I told my colleagues I’ll chop off my hands if I were to get another pair before end of the year. Aging is painful, and as much as I wanna say  “人老心不老”, I think I’m more like “年轻真好、年轻就是本钱”

A colleague send this to me while doing office decluttering. This is the “年轻真好” era where I wasn’t afraid of anything, always willing to try new ideas and never too shy to share my work ideas with clients and strangers. I thought I actually look better then, with the bouncing cheeks and youthful eyes, but my friends thought otherwise (or mayb they are just trying to be kind). 

May I always have the childlike attitude towards life, towards my work and towards everything. 

P/s: They say progressive lens take a while to get used to it, and I can see why. Hopefully I’ll make good use of this hefty investment. 

Bit by bit, better with each attempt

I just ended my training. I’m so glad it’s over. I’m also very glad I’m coping better with each training. 

没有想太多. Just do my best. Don’t wanna let my evil subconscious beat myself up. I do enjoy giving trainings, even though I still asked myself why did I sign up for this an hr before my training. It fulfils me when I see my kids/ colleagues bloom, or whenever they see me and say they learnt something from what I taught xxx ago. This is my WHY, the reason why I’m doing this. 

Had a work appt after the training and just ended work. My tank is full and fulfilled. 

Thank you for the opportunity. Thank you for my cheerleaders. 

Our long weekend

Feel so good to swim on a Monday morning, even though the sun was pretty unbearable towards the end. Life unfiltered. Just wanna admire the current me, even though I’m covered with white hair and old age spots. But there are many other things to be grateful for. I’m blessed with good health, so are my family. We have the option to travel if we want to, if time and health permits. 

As one ages, the things that I’m grateful for have become smaller in nature. Little blessings - are enough for me. Life is too short to be stressed and overwhelmed with fleeting things. Even a cafe that we visited frequently has closed down for good.. sigh..they served the best 辣椒板面 in my opinion.

Joy had a party last week, which she invited over 20 friends. It was tiring to even just see her jumping from circles to circles to make sure each diff friend group doesn’t feel neglected. It’s nice to have kids at this age where we just provide food and space.. and they will figure it all out on their own. 

All the kids were delighted with the cake. William said it’s redemption for not baking for her for the last few yrs, coz we were always shifting in Aug.. lol..she was proud of her cake coz her friends told her it was the best they had, and I think it made her very proud 😊 

Did a small scale bbq just among ourselves coz my kids love bbq and none of us had the social capacity to entertain.. hahaha.. so it was just us, which was really nice coz we didn’t have to make sure our guests were well fed or comfortable. There were no guests and our helper was on off, so everyone helped chipped in a little. Grace even took the little boy to swim, so that joy and I could start the fire.. hahaha

Intentional Coincidences

It’s hard to give thanks when there are struggles. And this few days have been a tough week for us, for William especially. My hero, my CEO, is struggling. Bcoz of his childhood oppression and lack of communication with his family. Anyway I don’t wanna talk too much into that. Coz it’s his private space. I will hold the fort for him for now, while he takes his time to rest and reconcile and recalibrate. 

God works intentionally and I know I haven’t been forgotten. Yesterday I had a good-lunch appt with my client. It wasn’t so much of work work but we shared a lot of deep honest conversations. She’s contemplating quitting and joining me as an adviser. But the risk of quitting and leaving a comfortable paycheck to a zero baseline is high. I understand and see the huge leap of faith needed. And I shared with her, that should she come on board, we will work towards what she wants, her goals. I didn’t go salesmanship coz honestly I’m stressed too! If someone joins me, and trust me, and I end up not helping her reach her goals. I told her that too. Sometimes I think I think too much.. hahaha.. I know, and I can’t help it. 

Right after we parted, I bumped into a colleague who was heading the same direction. She’s a manager and once a while, I’ve mentored her on various occasions. Was sharing with her how unsure I am, if I could be able to help others on this journey. She smiled, and shared how many times it’s my easy to understand concepts that helped her, which honestly I don’t remember. Was nice talking to her and we arranged to meet next week for me to go thru her work. 

As I jumped from one train to the next train, I saw my another director! What are the odds that I’m going to have all these conversations all the way from lunch to home!? I believe God planted them because I needed assurance, I needed someone to tell me to wake up from my idea.. that if I wanted to help others, as long as my heart is willing, God will provide whatever it’s necessary. Thank you God!

Went for a 630am morning swim. It’s a love hate relationship when it comes to swimming this early. Love becoz there isn’t much sun and not crowded at all. Hate coz it’s super cold and super dark. The first few laps is generally the hardest coz it’s pitch dark and kinda scary when I go underwater. But I like how after a few laps, the light starts to shine and slowly slowly, it becomes easier. 

It’s like my current role I guess. The last 1 yr has been a steep learning curve for me. In fact I think I’ve been in my comfortable shell for too long. The moment I decided to step into the leadership role, I felt like a young duckling pushed to sea, trying to stay afloat in the waters. There were a lot of emotions/learning, just like how the duckling does its footwork underwaters. Many a times, I get overwhelmed by how little I know, or how incompetent I am, for not knowing this and that. 

It eventually leads to many overwhelming moments where I felt like I was simply swimming in the dark, not knowing when light will arrive. The aha moment or near exasperation moment came few weeks ago, when I finally realize that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to be honest abt it. I mean I realize that it’s okie not to know everything few mths ago, but not knowing and being open abt it, is two different things stacked together. I guess the last 19yrs, I never felt that I knew so little. I had enough knowledge to carry on my work. But when my work extends to cover diff areas, I was shameful that I lacked the know-how to help my advisers. It felt humbling when the lack of knowledge/ competency just bounced back on my face. 

To be able to reflect on this now, I’m thankful that I’ve grown to recognise that it’s okie not to know everything. It’s okie to learn to trust yr team mates and empower them to lead. It’s okie to be honest abt my flaws and my lack. 

Am looking forward to see what’s next, what’s coming. Thankful for the opportunity to learn and to grow, to master and to nurture. 

This is me and my newfound glasses.. hahahaha.. and suddenly reading msgs from the phone is so comfortable.. hahahaha.. 

好久不见了，我的好朋友！Finally could enjoy stitching in the afternoon. It’s really my preferred therapy- over eating, and watching social media mindlessly.. hahahaha.. 

I realize how much I missed stitching and how much I use my brains thinking abt stuff while I’m stitching! Hahahaha.. but this is really a design I regretted so much. It’s my first printed project and I’m not sure if it’s bcoz it’s printed that’s why the colours keep switching every few stitches. Have the urge to simply stitch all in the same colour in 1 row! 

The kid who found her motivation to do Math. Few mths ago, we stopped her math tuition coz it was heading nowhere. Her results didn’t improve, and I didn’t see a point in spending the time and $$ going. We all agreed that the math tuition gave her a false assurance that she is doing fine (and thus refusing revision). 

So we removed the tuition, and I told her in replacement, she has to do 3 hrs of math on her own. Of coz it will be tedious for us to track, so I found a brilliant way.. hahaha.. every 1 hr of math can be used to redeem 1/2hr of Running Man.. lol.. and grace will help mark the papers and explain to her. In exchange both kids get to watch their fav show on Sunday. The first few weeks were crazy, the kid ended up clocking close to 5-6hrs per week! And she finished doing a hand me down assessment book. I remembered two mths ago, they rushed to my room to say there isn’t any more Math to do and if they could go down to popular to get a new book! Wow wow! The enthusiasm was mind blowing and to be honest I was skeptical. But I figured it was a small price to pay to be supportive.. hahaha.. so each gotten a new math assessment book, and continued the routine! 

Today I realize even that book is almost finished! lol.. she has automatically gotten used to a routine to clear her hrs just so that they can watch their fav show. Such is a classic example of “Understanding ur Why”.. hahahaa.. 

Thankful for her sudden change . Thankful for my new pair of eyes . Thankful to be able to do my hobby once again.