Lying

 It’s been a long day for me. Long day at work, then came home and brought the kids for a swim. Had dinner then while doing spelling / 听写 with vera, I was just chatting w grace… 

Me: why is it that u don’t ever have spelling / 听写？

Grace : I don’t know. Oh mayb I have (and proceed to go take her book

Me: why is it that I don’t get to sign ur spelling / 听写？

Grace : dunno. Shrug her shoulder but her guilt all over her face.

Me: grace have u been lying to us all these while? 

Grace : proceeds to stomp into her room 

I bite my lips and took 3 long breaths. My immediate thoughts were actually “if wanna lie, why don’t lie forever? Why must let me discover?”  

This is the second big lie episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Recently found out that she has been sneaking the common hp into her room when we zzz and watching YouTube on it. We found out coz William saw her holding on to the hp middle of the night. And when I confronted her, she attempted to cover up by lying more 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

来了。Her lying stage has arrived. Joy phrase started at P1 and I was on standby mode when the twins were at that age but it didn’t happen. P2 came and still nothing happened. By P3, I thought mayb don’t have. Not even sure if they had or mayb they did lied but I wasn’t smart enough to discover. 

Bcoz it wasn’t my first time, I didn’t explode as bad. At least for grace first time. Mayb today i was tired, mayb bcoz it’s her second time and it’s back to back, I exploded. My heart broke. I did the wrong thing. I caned her in front of her sisters. She didn’t even retaliate. Just stood there and let me hit her. 😭😭😭

I know I let the anger took control. I shouldn’t have. 

We cried together after that. I apologised to her. Also told her how I used to lie too, and how her grandma would spank me big big time. She was shocked. Coz she felt that my mom and I are so close now. I told her that despite it all, I know grandma loved me. And now despite of what grace  has done today, I still love you. It’s like how God loves us, despite our shortcomings. And if she’s willing, we can work this out tog. 

We eventually kissed and make up. Mayb I hadn’t spend enough time with her this period of time. Mayb I was too engrossed with diffusing Vera’s bombs. 

Vera exploded subsequently, and by then I had no more energy / brain wave to handle it. Feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to cope, and at the same time wishing he could do more. He just asked if I could log out of the common iPad ; so that he can use his login. While vera was crying big big tears. I don’t know if it’s a man thing ; or has he regressed to being a child too? Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. It’s just difficult today. 

Validation

Took a week of break away from social media. I guess seeing all the posting from everywhere kinda cause me a lot of mums guilt; that I wasn’t doing enough for my kids. 

I’m not one who bring the kids to the outdoors every weekend. I’m not one who bring my kids for trial class. I’m not the one who does baking or craft work with them. I can’t even say I can confidently do solo parenting when William serves for church or his activities. And to be honest, seeing all the postings on all the capable mamas do so many many things for their kids kinda led me to have a lot of guilt. 

I know I have other abilities that I should be proud of. I know I know. And I know there are so many other things that I should give thanks to too. 

The one week fast did help me refocus myself with my kids. In fact, time became plenty when we take social media out of the picture. Suddenly I had time to notice the number of people eating at the hawker centre; or how much white hair William has currently; or the little details that I overlooked (bcoz I was so busy catching up on other people’s lives) 

Penning this down to remind myself that my validation should not be based on the number of likes / posts I get/do on my social media. My validation should be with my creator, God. I’m only accountable to Him and He knows what I need. He made me for a greater purpose and He makes no mistake. 

“The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭23:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Bible verse

 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Rough Monday

We had many episodes yesterday afternoon. I tried to be as understanding as I could, but she is struggling. Struggling to understand her own internal feelings, struggling to regulate herself, struggling to verbalise her thoughts. 

I tried but it was tiring. There were so many explosions that by the end of the day, I gave up too. I let William took over. I was frustrated. Frustrated bcoz I felt that he wasn’t doing enough. Why is it always me who has to manage the girls, when he is the homemaker or my co parent? The words were at the tip of my lips - “I will stop work and you can go out to work. We will live with whatever you can provide.” 

Instead, I bit my lips and prayed. Prayed for patience and prayed for peace. Prayed that God help carry us thru when it all seem impossibly difficult. 

I hid in Grace room after dinner coz it was too difficult. Cried while I was trying to do some not important work. Well, at least work brings food on the table. I have no idea why he seems so busy with his iPad and it has no contribution to the household. I wouldn’t b as pissed if he was sleeping, to be honest. 因为休息是为了走更远的路。 I’m tired that my work always suffer the brunt of it all. Perhaps wfh isn’t viable anymore. Perhaps going to office is a lot easier for me, for him for everyone. At least I wouldn’t see him on his iPad all the time. Or replying msgs to his jewel grp chat when he isn’t even 村长 anymore! I sold the place and just waiting to see when he intends to exit the annoying chat.. 

Not going to lie when I say that today has been one of the longest weekend in a long time. I don’t remember the number of times I broke down today. It’s tiring. Trying to contain the sick boy home; being missy to the old man, and making sure the twins don’t end up killing each other. Or even if they do, at least they wouldn’t wake up the men in the midst of it. 

But it’s also bcoz of this tiring situation that I’m thankful for the girls. They all tried their best to step up. Grace volunteered to go kovan market to get coconut water for the family as well as dabao char kway teow for the uncle. Uncle didn’t have much appetite and was craving for something 重口味. Like Friday, we briefly told her the way and off she went. Vera who was negative, wasn’t keen on taking that adventure. She did bring Joash on a pram ride just downstairs in the late afternoon. 

I’m thankful that I have very mild symptoms. Besides having a blocked nose and feeling groggy all the time, that’s about it. The uncle heart rate has turned irregular and he’s also having problem sleeping / breathing. Yes I’m worried for him. At the same time I’m frustrated bcoz he should have started the meds on day 1. (I feel that my recovery was better coz I took all the meds etc). He kept forgetting abt the meds and argh… anyway told him that if he still feels very jialat tomorrow it’s better that he visit the GP (just in case). 

I’m thankful for the girls + helper who helped so much. But at the same time, I felt so lonely and helpless holding the fort at home. Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. Praying that the two men recover soon. 

“Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.”

‭‭1 Chronicles‬ ‭16:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

The uncle is sick. His turned positive a day after mine. And u can see the difference in our symptoms. Mine’s largely mild, and I probably am functional 80% of the time. He is trying his best to still help, but pls la just zzz okie…

Can I also say that I’m so thankful for our new helper! She’s holding the fort at home now and has been Joash main caregiver when both me and William are down. Thankfully I taught her how to go ntuc few weeks ago!! If I had waited for William to do it, I think even up to now also she dunno where it is lo.. hahaha.. 

She just came back from a massive grocery run. Going to cook lunch for the family! Yeah! 

We will overcome this ! 

Nightmare

As of yesterday, only joy and our helper remains Covid negative. The good news is Grace art kit turned negative yday too! Amen! 

And she requested to go for English tuition since she is officially free to roam; which I gladly agreed. 

But comes the next problem. Grace can go to sch on Friday but there isn’t anyone who could bring her. I asked if I could get a cab for her, but she says she can take public on her own. Gave her the instructions and we can only pray that she will figure things out on her own. Had an argument w William over this too. If he had started training the helper &/ kids on how to go and come back from sch earlier (the deadline was by end jul) then we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I was pissed and frustrated and everything just snowballed and my final words were “I hope if you die, we all die together”. 

Such mean and hurtful words. Yes I realise too. I guess fears crept in and took over. Then dreadful thoughts conquered my mind; like what if he really passes then what happens; especially since Joash is still so young etc. wah, once u let fears enter, they conquer and control. And i feel so horrible. 

I open my bible and this was what I saw. It’s assuring. And rather than let fears take over, I’ve decided to let God take control. Whatever. Surrender to Him and let Him be the captain of my ship.

Have kissed and make up with William too. Being old isn’t something he can control. We will just treasure every living day as a gift, that’s why it’s called present.

On a side note, this morning Joy brought her to the train station but they are headed for different directions. Grace is currently on the bus to school. It’s nice to have the girls step up and take on bigger roles I guess. Maybe training the helper to pick the girls isn’t impt anymore.

Today we will only have the 2 young kids home the entire day. (Coz grace will be having lunch in school before heading to nex for her Chinese tuition.) It’s also the first day where I don’t have any scheduled zoom appts. Hoping that I can spend more time with vera and see if she gets better. She has been having so many episodes these few days (before positive and even after) that I suddenly don’t know what’s wrong w her or me. I thought we were on a two steps forward but it seems like a three step backwards now again. Well, I guess we will just have to see, monitor and adapt.