Busy week

If I had said that Last week was hectic, I was wrong. Coz this week, I was crazy enough to fix so many appts, be it face to face or over zoom; clients or with my new found babies. I had a total of 23 appts, conducted my first team meeting, attended a director meeting and also went to the gym twice! 

Crazy it is. And in the midst of it, I still had to approve the cases my babies submitted, prepare for my own appts. Vera and Joash were also down with influenza too. 

I’m glad this week is over soon. Weekend is here and next week seems to be more breathable. (I hope)

Glad that my office babies are starting to work, especially some had a hiatus for a while. 

Today, one of them text me and said he finally close the client which I recently did case study for. I was delighted! I think it gives me more joy then if I were to close my clients. I’m so glad I took up this role, at least if u ask me now. 是开心的，看他们可以达到他们自己的突破，我为他们感到骄傲.

J asked if I had regretted my decision, especially since this week was so overwhelming. It got so bad that I fell asleep at a concert.. hahaha

My answer to her was no. At least not this week. At least not the coaching or training part. When I see them trying their best to go for their appts, and clearing their doubts with me etc. The answer is no, no regrets. It’s fulfilling. And expands my heart. 

Just gotten be mindful of my conduct and my speech. 

做人很难，做女人肯难

Ever heard of the phrase “Work like you are not a parent and parent like you don’t need to work..” 

I hate this phrase. I hate it when the society expects woman to do that. That if they work, they need to work doubly as hard than mayb their spouse or male counterparts, in order to prove that they are not a liability. And yet, social stigma also expects them to be the 24/7 parent at home, doing the nth things required. 

The last 1 week was mad hectic for me. I’ve forgotten when was the last time I work that hard. I only made it for dinner once for the whole week, a stark contrast to my usual. The new scope and responsibilities meant that I now split my time with my family, my clients, not mentioning the massive among of transfers paperwork I’m also doing and also my new team of advisers. And bcoz I’m new, there are a lot of things that I have to learn. And it was fulfilling too. I think the last week went past with much fulfilment and little drama, for which I’m grateful. 

I miss my kids too. And I think Joash had his way of expressing that by a waking up every night at 3am to request for a feed and asking me to sleep next to him. I obliged coz I was having lotsa mum-guilt. And I wish society will give more grace to working Mothers , that we will feel less guilty when we work hard. 

This was the day when I was having so much on my plate that JM went with me for a drink. Thankful for friends 🥰

Battling Depression

Today the world received news that Coco Lee lost her life to depression. 🥲

I’m not her fan, but each time such news come along, it hits me HARD. Depression is hard, be it for the patient or for her family and friends. It has no signs and sometimes can be deceiving that alls good. 

Depression is like riding on a roller coaster. Sometimes you feel like it has left you, and you are all good, stable and happy. But the next moment, it creeps in like a sneaky enemy and bring you to the lowest valley possible. God is the safety belt on my roller roaster. I know He is my anchor, and a very stable safety belt. But I too, have my doubts and my low days. Days when I felt like cutting away the safety belt, days when I wonder how low my valleys will be and how long will it take for me to finally see light at the end of my tunnel. My prayer for myself, is to always know that God is always always there for me, for all of us, irregardless of whether you can see Him. 

我好想你，你过得好吗？

“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.7.8.NIV

Fruitful weekend

Visited the Woodleigh NPC open house this morning. Honestly, we usually skip such events coz the mountain of people, long queue and crazy weather will cause me to feel overwhelmed, not even mentioning my kids! 

But I decided to give myself + my kids a chance. After all, we did a school carnival on Saturday, and the crowd was so super crazy too. Wouldn’t have agreed to it, if not bcoz Joy invited us. And despite the crowd, all 4 kids had enjoyed themselves. I didn’t get to see Joy at the carnival but William said she came over and help took care of Joash for a while. I was in charge of the twins and we took some kiddy rides, had some overpriced carnival food; face painted and sprayed their hair in blue. 

The whole experience, even though tiring, was pretty pleasant. Was thankful that we forged some good memories together. Even Joash had a lot of fun! He took 3x on the train which actually means 6-9 rounds around the school entrance. Being cheapo parents, William just let him take the ride on his own coz more 划算 to spend the same amt of $ and maximise the number of rides.. hahaha

So on the way home, I asked the twins if they would be keen to go to the police open house the next day. This was what I said.. 

Me: Would you girls be keen to attend the police open house tomorrow? There will be police vehicles behind showcased; visit to the police station (which we have never done before) etc

Twins: Yes!!!

Me: Let me manage both yr expectations first. There will be ALOT of people, maybe even more than today’s carnival, much longer queues; crazy heat etc. I need you all to understand that it will be super tiring for mama especially. I do not want to see a situation where, after the event, you girls start screaming at each other or worse, kill each other. I do not want to bring you girls on a treat, and later regret and wished I hadn’t done that in the first place. Do you understand?

Me: if you girls would like to go, I need u all to EXPECT the following 

1) Long queues and CROWDS

2) Crazy Weather 

And what I expect of you all:

3) Do not tell me you are bored

4) Pls be kind to each other for the whole entire day

Me (also) : I will be over stimulated and I know Vera will be too. So if you girls can do the above, we will go. 

And both of them agree. 

And right after the conversation, I personally felt a lot better. Coz I was setting the stage not just for them but for me. It is normal that after going to such an event, we end up being so tired and overwhelmed and start blowing our fuses. But if we can talk abt it, then all of us could extend a bit of grace to one another. 

We went and maybe becoz we had the “staging” beforehand, everything went well today. We splited ways and queued at different lines, depending on which kid was interested or not. The crowds were a lot more manageable bcoz we reach before it was open. Thank God! 

Completed the place abt 1hr plus and headed for our fav ramen place at Paya Lebar Square. Kids were happy; I’m happy. Tummy and in spirit. Hahahaha

The kids were treated to ice cream for behaving their best after that. Came home and showered. Joash and i napped while vera went for her art class. 

We probably can do more of such activities now that the twins are older I guess. Coz when they were younger, it’s just sheer exhaustion when we go out happily but come back w grouchy, over stimulated kids.. 

Fruitful weekend! Thankful 

Saying goodbye for my deeply sensitive child

One morning while Vera and I were spending our special one on one, I told Vera excitedly that we have finally found a buyer for the bunk bed. Her heart sank. She was under the impression that the bunk bed was going to her brother’s (which was the initial plan until we realize that his tiny room wasn’t able to fit). Our mistake for not updating her too. I honestly didn’t expect that we would be able to find a buyer so fast. 

Anyway, my deeply sensitive child was feeling super super sad. You could see the deep anguish in her eyes and overall body language. She wasn’t sulking or throwing a tantrum etc. She was just sad and quiet. The me one year ago would probably say “ Can you not be so drama? Just tell me what’s wrong with you etc!!” .. 

This was what I did. I patted her on her back, look at her eye to eye and said the following:

Me: “My dear, I know you are feeling sad over the bunk bed. I know you are EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to it. And farewells are hard. I know. Shall we do a farewell party for the bed? We could take some pictures with it, say a prayer, and do a sleepover together this weekend?”

Vera: she shrugged 

Me: You can think abt the ways we can do the farewell. Just like how we recently held a funeral for yr shoes (too small) and my slippers. 妈妈知道你不舍得离开你的床 but Unfortunately, our new place does not have the space for it.

I gave her a moment to digest. 

She agrees to the sale. (Coz I was prepared to tell William not to do it if she really can’t handle)

By lunch time, she was fine. 

These were photos we took the night before the movers came. I was unfortunately unable to be around due to a late night zoom 🥹 but I’m glad that William and I both acknowledged her feelings. 

When I came back, I ask Joy why she wasn’t in the picture, she 🙄🙄🙄 and said “it’s just a bed Mom”. 

Every child is unique and special. I’m starting to enjoy my time with this special child. 

Fast forward to today, the movers came and over dinner we had a conversation.

Me: “so vera what do u feel now?”

Vera: mummy! My room is so big now!!! I’m so happy! 

I’m so glad that we turned something sad into a teachable and sweet memory for all of us. She has taught me how to be more sensitive towards her feelings and emotions, something all of us used to brush off easily. 

Feeling proud of my progress as a parent. Wouldn’t have been possible if Shu hadn’t given me some pointers on how to relate to deeply sensitive kids. So thankful that our paths crossed 🥰

Me

After my emo rant that day, I decided to go back to exercising. Coz exercise makes one happy. Ditched my parenting duties and went for a Swim that night. No guilt coz I know I need to be mentally well before I can care for my kids. 

And the swim was good. Joash slept easily according to my helper. 

And I finally decided that I should give BFT and me a chance.. hahaha.. after being nudged by my friend a 1000000x times.

Thank you for persuading me to come and insisting that I take the trial after that.. lol.. she just assumed I would and told the staff to do the paperwork when I was still panting after the exercise. 

But it was greatly appreciated. Coz otherwise I will give myself another week of excuses not exercises. Thank you for going the extra mile for me today. We shall see how this goes. Either u get tired of coming to this outlet instead of yr usual outlet or me running out of steam.

JM asked me if this was better over the PT that I took few mths ago. My reply was this: “It’s like how we ask our kids to do 作文 at home vs in sch.. in sch coz everyone does it so they will die die complete.. at home a lot of excuses etc. I’m that kind of student.”

I felt good today. I did something I was uncomfortable. I could have cancelled coz Joash woke up at 5am; or bcoz I wasn’t feeling up to it but I’m glad I didn’t. Little wins. 🤗

Haywire emotions

Been feeling super annoyed and depressed and emo coz the MIL is here. Somehow every time she’s here, my hormones go haywire. I need to have control of my own emotions instead of bursting for legit or stupid reasons. 

A part of me know that whatever she does or believes in, I shouldn’t let her affect me. That’s why I should control my own feelings. But I’m not God. I have a lot of flaws, especially when it comes to managing that side of the family. 

I just can’t forget how biased she is, against the father of my kids and against my kids too. How she used to call my kids “ 哭包” or other names, despite us reminding her that they actually have real names. It frustrates me too, when I see how she dote on Joash now - a classic example of how 重男轻女 the people of her generation is. I’m just thankful she isn’t the primary caregiver or stays with us long term, otherwise it would be so hard to insist on our parenting decisions.

She will be here with us for at least 2 weeks. Coz She needs to go for an eye op and it’s better than she stays with us for this period so that someone could attend to her needs. It frustrates me too, when the other son seems non committal on the whole entire incident! So much for doting on the other son. 😖

Omg 😳.. I know all these feelings I have bottled up, isn’t healthy for my own well being. I know. And I’m not helping William in any way, if I continue to be bitter and angst over it. But It’s so hard. 

My only solution is to pen this so that I reorganise my thoughts before I go home tonight. 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.     

− Reinhold Niebuhr

Praying that God carry me in this journey. I honestly don’t feel like going for the gathering tomorrow coz I have no wavelength to make small talk or b understanding. I’m tired. I just wan my personal space back. 

“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42‬:‭11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.42.11.NIV