They will be 14 tomorrow. How time flies. 

I remember how those early days were - always overwhelmed; always exhausted; always tired and even if I wanted to fight with Uncle, using that time to sleep felt more important. 

The days are long but the years short. 

I guess there is some truth to it. 

Grace was just reminding me recently that the current house is the only house where vera and her stuff wasn’t thrown out of the house! lol…  those years had been so hard, coz she is as stubborn as me; more sensitive / emo than me; and more whiny.. it’s like Lena 2.0. 

Recently it’s nice to just hug and cuddle her. I think I might invite her to my bed when William goes for his sabbatical break. 

I’m not a perfect mom. We fight so much then. I/We cried so much; either together or alone on my bed. 

Thankful that even though things aren’t perfect, we make it thru. 

Where did my bun bun go?

It’s the Mar holidays so we took time off to spend with the twins. This morning was supposed to be cycling with grace but last minute, both of them said they would preferred to watch an anime movie. So off they went. 

Had lunch at HDL before we splitted ways. I took grace to Chinatown coz she needed to get some crochet supplies. Suddenly dawn on me, she’s now a tween, and not the “bun bun” we called each other affectionately. Why did I take so long to realize it? She’s quite often the “forgotten child” coz she never had problems academically + have quite a lot of friends + doesn’t have as much meltdowns. So quite easily, I’ll forget. And it suddenly struck me that I’ve definitely lost a lot of time with her. 

I wished I could turn back the clock. 

This is us this afternoon. She used to spam my phone with 2000 of her photos and always I’ll remove all, leaving one or two of them. 

Us in may 2021, when she still loves taking 2000 selfies. 

She doesn’t complains even when she doesn’t receive as much attention or time with me. Most of the time I “fire fight” with the other kids or with work. She just does her own things. And now her addiction is probably the phone or computer. Something we need to work on. 

Just had a night chat with Joy - the teenager who I hardly see nowadays. Her schedule is so crazy packed that I wonder if she knows her first priority is still A levels, and not build an exciting and colourful CCA portfolio. She’s running for council, and to be honest, I hope she doesn’t get it. Too much work, with no pay. JM says she’s probably very much like her mom - the drive and the crazy schedule 😳.. anyway while hearing her campaign and conflicts etc, I wonder when will the twins reach this stage where I can b confident and comfortable with them. When can we chat like friends and I can b 放心 with everything ? 

We also went to the night safari this evening. The twins have been requesting for this for a long time. When we finally completed the whole tram ride + show, I asked the twins when was the last time we were here. They clearly wasn’t impressed with the whole event - a sign of “Aging”. They have outgrown it. 🤣🤣🤣 And so when I tried recalling the time we brought them here (coz we only came once!) I remember it was before Covid, so it’s probably in 2019 when they were P1! Gasp! Certainly didn’t expect that their request has been postponed for so long. And all of a sudden, the mum guilt overwhelmed me. I felt bad, for neglecting them and not doing all the activities we should do as a family. They said that they aren’t interested to come here again, and that maybe we could just renew our zoo membership. Asked them where they would like to go, and we will try to go before they outgrow it again. And they said USS! So I guess we will bring them there in June. 

Ended the night with Mac. 

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Day 1 of solo parenting

Day 1 went by pretty smoothly. The boy only woke up at 6am, had his milk and we both zzz on my bed til 830am. (Never has he managed to successfully co sleep with me on my bed)

Since both of us were feeling quite energetic, I decided to bring the twins and him to River Wonders. The original intention was the zoo but decided not to overkill myself just on the first day of the week. 

The excursion went pretty well. I’m not sure if it’s bcoz Joash was around, but for the first time, I honestly felt that the twins were of good help on the trip. Each took turns to either push the pram or carry the diaper bag or carry the boy so that he could see the animals in sight. I didn’t do much besides the driving. 

River wonders is my favourite place out of the 4 parks, bcoz it’s mostly sheltered and air con! So even if the weather isn’t good, we will be fine! 

Didn’t manage to capture a pic of the kids with the real pandas today but it’s fine. I can bring them along another day, even if William isn’t around. 

Had a bit of delay on the way back coz I needed to update my IU since I just renewed my annual pass. The whole office was flooded with people. Just as I was abt to give up on the wait, Grace managed to speak to one of the counter staff who kindly helped us, even though we missed our queue number long ago. (I think the staff gave chance bcoz Grace was a kid.. hahah)

#proudmama 

Both girls are special in their own ways and I also took the chance to explain to Vera during our night chat just now. Told her that I can be very 放心 to leave didi and her alone at home, or bring both of them out anytime. She is a good caregiver. She has the heart and patience for her little bro. However she is struggling academically. 

Grace on the other hand, has a strong understanding in her studies. She hardly revises her work, but becoz she’s smart, she understands the concepts easily. At least academically la.. and never afraid to speak up for her little sister. But she isn’t strong in caring for her little bro. They fight nowadays. Lol.. coz both wants the same thing and neither wants to budge. 

Took the twins out in the afternoon coz grace needed to borrow some books while I wanted to go thru some math revision with Vera. 

I never thought that our r/S would improve by so much. If you asked me a year ago, I probably would feel uneasy if she says she wanna follow me home instead of following grace to do a sleepover at my mom’s place. But today when she said it, I felt 

at peace. 

Thankful 🥹 

Just spend some time chit chatting with the teenager who only reached home at 11pm. Gotten remind myself to chat with her more frequently. Quite irked that I had to wait for her today who Clearly forgotten to apply for late extension or bring her keys. But glad I didn’t jump at her but took some time to hear her day.

Feeling really fulfilled by how today went. Really thankful for God’s covering upon me. 

Praying that Joash and I can zzz well tonight coz Vera is co sleeping with us tonight. And she is loud 🤦‍♀️

Lying

 It’s been a long day for me. Long day at work, then came home and brought the kids for a swim. Had dinner then while doing spelling / 听写 with vera, I was just chatting w grace… 

Me: why is it that u don’t ever have spelling / 听写？

Grace : I don’t know. Oh mayb I have (and proceed to go take her book

Me: why is it that I don’t get to sign ur spelling / 听写？

Grace : dunno. Shrug her shoulder but her guilt all over her face.

Me: grace have u been lying to us all these while? 

Grace : proceeds to stomp into her room 

I bite my lips and took 3 long breaths. My immediate thoughts were actually “if wanna lie, why don’t lie forever? Why must let me discover?”  

This is the second big lie episode for the last 1-2 weeks. Recently found out that she has been sneaking the common hp into her room when we zzz and watching YouTube on it. We found out coz William saw her holding on to the hp middle of the night. And when I confronted her, she attempted to cover up by lying more 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

来了。Her lying stage has arrived. Joy phrase started at P1 and I was on standby mode when the twins were at that age but it didn’t happen. P2 came and still nothing happened. By P3, I thought mayb don’t have. Not even sure if they had or mayb they did lied but I wasn’t smart enough to discover. 

Bcoz it wasn’t my first time, I didn’t explode as bad. At least for grace first time. Mayb today i was tired, mayb bcoz it’s her second time and it’s back to back, I exploded. My heart broke. I did the wrong thing. I caned her in front of her sisters. She didn’t even retaliate. Just stood there and let me hit her. 😭😭😭

I know I let the anger took control. I shouldn’t have. 

We cried together after that. I apologised to her. Also told her how I used to lie too, and how her grandma would spank me big big time. She was shocked. Coz she felt that my mom and I are so close now. I told her that despite it all, I know grandma loved me. And now despite of what grace  has done today, I still love you. It’s like how God loves us, despite our shortcomings. And if she’s willing, we can work this out tog. 

We eventually kissed and make up. Mayb I hadn’t spend enough time with her this period of time. Mayb I was too engrossed with diffusing Vera’s bombs. 

Vera exploded subsequently, and by then I had no more energy / brain wave to handle it. Feeling frustrated with myself for not being able to cope, and at the same time wishing he could do more. He just asked if I could log out of the common iPad ; so that he can use his login. While vera was crying big big tears. I don’t know if it’s a man thing ; or has he regressed to being a child too? Haiz.. this too shall pass. I know. It’s just difficult today. 

Nightmare

As of yesterday, only joy and our helper remains Covid negative. The good news is Grace art kit turned negative yday too! Amen! 

And she requested to go for English tuition since she is officially free to roam; which I gladly agreed. 

But comes the next problem. Grace can go to sch on Friday but there isn’t anyone who could bring her. I asked if I could get a cab for her, but she says she can take public on her own. Gave her the instructions and we can only pray that she will figure things out on her own. Had an argument w William over this too. If he had started training the helper &/ kids on how to go and come back from sch earlier (the deadline was by end jul) then we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I was pissed and frustrated and everything just snowballed and my final words were “I hope if you die, we all die together”. 

Such mean and hurtful words. Yes I realise too. I guess fears crept in and took over. Then dreadful thoughts conquered my mind; like what if he really passes then what happens; especially since Joash is still so young etc. wah, once u let fears enter, they conquer and control. And i feel so horrible. 

I open my bible and this was what I saw. It’s assuring. And rather than let fears take over, I’ve decided to let God take control. Whatever. Surrender to Him and let Him be the captain of my ship.

Have kissed and make up with William too. Being old isn’t something he can control. We will just treasure every living day as a gift, that’s why it’s called present.

On a side note, this morning Joy brought her to the train station but they are headed for different directions. Grace is currently on the bus to school. It’s nice to have the girls step up and take on bigger roles I guess. Maybe training the helper to pick the girls isn’t impt anymore.

Today we will only have the 2 young kids home the entire day. (Coz grace will be having lunch in school before heading to nex for her Chinese tuition.) It’s also the first day where I don’t have any scheduled zoom appts. Hoping that I can spend more time with vera and see if she gets better. She has been having so many episodes these few days (before positive and even after) that I suddenly don’t know what’s wrong w her or me. I thought we were on a two steps forward but it seems like a three step backwards now again. Well, I guess we will just have to see, monitor and adapt. 

A lesson for all of us

 

We were early for taekwondo class today so I suggested going to the playground which was right next to the cc. Grace was delighted and within five minutes climb up here. That was the easy part. 

She soon realize that it was easy to go up, but not as easy the other way round. Basically u need to have a leap of faith, and put yr body out of the hoop to reach out for the steps in order to come down. She couldn’t. She kept saying “Mummy can u pls get the fireman to come rescue me?” My heart sank. This probably comes with age. Fear sets in as we grow older, doesn’t it? The young fearless boy was waiting impatiently for her to come down, even went up several times hoping that it would nudge her. 

Eventually she finally managed to do it. After a good 15mins of coaxing and me quietly praying and a kind stranger who reminded her to “come down the way she went up”. She came down and I was glad. 

But today I think the lesson not only taught her but me as well.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

- Do not give in to fear. Instead, we should cast all our fears onto the Lord, for He is with us. This lesson come so timely, at a stage where work has been super quiet and I’m super free. In fact I’m so free that the last time I was this free was probably during the circuit breaker. And I let my fears take roots in me. It isn’t such a good thing to be too free, at least for me. I start to doubt myself, if I was still a competent adviser, if I would still be able to provide for the family, if we would be okie financially if the dry months continue longer than expected. I let the fears morph and grow in me. I felt like drowning. I didn’t know what to do. The uncertainties magnified the fears. But today, I want to be like Grace. That even though we are afraid, we took the leap of faith that it will all work out eventually. That God knows and He has His ways and plans in His perfect timing. Even though I’m afraid, I know that God is my safe harbour, and I will only need to do my best and that is all that’s needed. 

As simple as that. 

Picking up cross stitching again, bcoz I want to do something productive instead of just playing suduku all the time. 

Thankful for the lesson and reminder. 

L.O.V.E

About two weeks ago, Grace told me that she missed the One on one date we did last December and asked if we could do it again now that J is in ifc. I couldn’t find a reason to say no and thus began this week’s one on one date. 

Honestly, going out with her is comfortable. She is independent, reliable and her moods are stable. We went to Jewel, had lunch followed by a movie. It was nice to chit chat and check on this little girl and how this year, she made new friends and her current BFF is Kate and both of them are bookworms. 

And today I brought the other twin for her one on one. To be honest, I felt jittery for a few days. Because she isn’t as easy? Mayb 一物克一物，如果我是石头，那她一定就是我命中的布吧。

Thought we took the bus to PLQ instead of the train coz the latter would require us to change once. Bad choice coz she was whining throughout the bus ride.. haiz.. the morning barely started and I’m tired already. It was a lot of “I want this, I want that.” and by the time we finished our lunch and movie, I just wanted to go home.

Can see her sian face on the bus? Anyway I came home and took a nap and felt so much better. I wished I could be as comfortable with her as I am with her other two sisters. Maybe time will tell. Maybe I need more practice.  

Going on my date with Joy coming Monday. And that wraps up the Dec holidays and 2021.

Eventful 24hrs

I posted this on my fb but thought I leave an entry here to remind myself how great God has been in protecting me and my household. And of coz this is a more detailed and elaborate one since this is my personal blog. The story goes like this .. 

On Tuesday afternoon on the way home walking with Joy, I twisted my left ankle and fell to the pavement. I had a bad landing and my right knee grazed the hard solid ground. I could feel the blood on the open right knee. Joy was in shock and ask me to get up but I couldn’t. My hands had also scratched the floor and both ankles were sprained; my right calf hurts badly and so does my back. I told her I needed time before I could get up. Being a veteran in falls, I know that there is no need to rush to getting up. Took my time and considered a few options:

1) call a cab / ask William to bring us home coz it’s still another 10 mins walk but where I landed was just after a highway. It was impossible to call a cab. As for calling William , for him to rescue it also meant he needs to make a big big detour before he would reach us. Option not possible.

2) call ambulance

- honestly this thought went thru my mind but it felt super guazhang plus I was due for my pump. I needed to go home pump. If I took this route, it probably means another few hrs away. Nah 

3) sit and wait til I was better

- that’s what I did and once I got up, I could lean on Joy and we began to walk home. 

I wanna shoot myself coz this pair of shoes have always make me twist my ankle. This isn’t the first time but I like how comfortable it was and how I could wear for causal / work. So I’ve been repurchasing this pattern for several yrs. As I recall now, I’ve fallen in this series for at least 3 separate occasions so yes, good bye shoes. 

Once we reach home, I washed up and William attended to my wounds. By now I could no longer walk without hurting myself. Even wearing my pants while sitting down was not possible. 

Can see the bruised ankle also ? And can I say that William was so gentle in doing the dressing but it still hurts big time. (Okie, I also happened to have Low tolerance for pain, so ya)

And becoz I was completed immobile, it meant he had to take the night shift. Joash hasn’t sttn. In fact he is more punctual in his night feeds compared to his day feeds. So I had a really peaceful night (haha.. woke up to pump and zzz straight). 

The next morning, he had to do the usual morning routine which is to drop the 3 girls at their school. In addition, it was also Joash vaccination. And bcoz I was still immobile, it meant one trip with 4 kids. I bade goodbye to time and went to zzz more.. hahaha.. I had some rest la despite the leg being super pain in certain positions. 

Then when they were done, he came to pick me up . My turn to see doc; change dressing and collected some meds. On hindsight I should have just seen a doctor on the night itself but I didn’t wanna see a locum. Aiya but today went to clinic at 11am , the doc left liaoz.. argh.. in the end went to my childhood gp..hahaha.. change and all’s good. 

By then had lunch and pick girls and headed home. Time 145pm 

330pm we left again; this time to see an ifc for Joash (yes, we concluded that ifc is required / necessary to give us sanity). Done with the sch tour but sadly sch wasn’t a good fit for us. Dropped me and Joash before he bring twins to minton for swim class. 

630pm papa and twins came home; dinner 

730pm grace swallowed fish bone and we tried to get her to swallow some rice and water. It didn’t work but she didn’t say much . Okie we wait and see. I go to the room to prepare for zoom. Joash has slight fever

745pm William asked for the dosage which I stared back at him. Coz usually the nurse will say the dosage but coz I wasn’t there, no one told him or he forgotten to ask. Tried calling pd, but he didn’t pick up. Lol..

750pm I hear a hysterical baby crying and his sisters trying their best to pacify him. Mr choo was in a dazed alrdy. He says his head is spinning aka he is fainting. I tell him to go lie on the couch. Cancelled my zooms. SOS some mommies on the recommended dosage etc. Managed to administer meds. Yeah ! By then William was gone. It’s not the first time it has happened. It’s his body telling him that he need rest. So I just let him lay on the couch. 

Oh before he fainted, he told Joy to go get dressings for me coz my knee’s having a period and overflowing like crazy liaoz.. so nice to have a teenager at home.

I went to close cranky Joash. Received the following text

At this moment, my heart is 满满的感恩.. what have I done to deserve this love from her. I’m so grateful really. 

After settling the baby, came out and walked into Grace room only to see her sitting up, in darkness hugging her giraffe.. she was in pain but she knows our hands are tight. I asked her if she would like to see a doctor immediately and she said yes. Told her to get dresssed and we will head down. 

Asked William to go into the room to zzz. Joy says she will hold fort at home and call me if anything. 

Prayed that kkh q wouldn’t b crazy. Thankfully it wasn’t. The nice doctors tried to find the bone and even did an x ray but no bone to be found. Oh well, came back home but at least Grace felt more at rest. She also got a free pass at home for the next 2 days. Lol.. 

At kkh 

Came home and joy was just done preparing her bf. I had to eat something before I could take my meds so she chatted with me. Shooed her to bed at 1130pm. 

Photo update from joy while I was at kkh.. haha 

It’s an eventful 24hrs but I’m so thankful that my girls have raised to the occasion. Really. 长大了也会开始体谅家人. Really thankful. 

Going to bed now. Showered, pump and also Just fed Joash his midnight milk . Tired but God’s protection and covering is with us every step of the way. A lot of things could have gone a lot worse but it didn’t. 

Tomorrow is a long day but I’ve cancelled my work appts. So hopefully that would help. 

Praying that the right ifc comes along soon. 

Bible verse

 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Such a timely reminder.. Just wanna embrace this verse and remind myself that God is in control. All will happen in His own timing, and in His plans. 

It has been a hectic week, with grace coming down with stomach flu since Tuesday and joy with a sprained waist on Wednesday. I know william still has a bucket list of things to complete and the only thing I can help is to sleep and rest. I know, and I’m trying. But once every few days, insomnia hits me like a good friend, just like tonight. 

The room is peace and quiet, with joy and Vera. But my mind just wonders and wonders. It almost doze off for a while and then something will suddenly jolt me wide awake. 

I know I need to zzz early bcoz Tom is public holiday and I need all the rest or else I’ll start screaming at the girls again.. 

Thankful for this beautiful verse. Will go and try to zz again.

Mama Duties

Day 0 (Sunday)

The man went for his cruise. The twins and I dropped him off at the guardhouse before we took the bus to Nex. Thought I bring them out for a nice lunch and library before coming back home. 

Also wanted to spend some alone time with both of them since I was free on Sunday. We headed to library first since it was still early. 

Vera reading her scientist magazine while waiting for Grace to be done with her books. 

I was exhausted just by library itself.. lol.. not that there was any tantrums etc. In fact, the whole trip has been fantastic. The twins were super sweet, and Vera always make sure she holds my hand, as I was walking v slowly. 

Our lunch at sweet tomato.. they chose the place bcoz it didn’t had any q. The other places needed to wait and their legs were exhausted from the walk. 

After lunch, we went to get some snacks and BBT before making our way home.

I felt so loved by them that I took this pic to remind myself that they are no longer tiny kiddos but have grown up to be caring, loving siblings..

Came home and they did some homework and that’s also the time when Vera started to have an itchy nose. Fed her some flu meds (just in case) 

I took a nap before going for a swim with grace . Part of my exercise regime, and also grace goal to reduce her weight also la.. haha.. she did 12 laps while I did my usual 20. It was nice to spend some one to one time alone with her, to catch up on her life etc. As we were heading back, I overestimated myself and tried to lift myself up from the pool and scratched my hand and pulled my muscle as well. Grace “piggy back” me in the pool to the ladder so that I could use it to come ashore safely.. lol.. got a scolding from her and the papa when he learnt of it. 

By night time, the itchy nose had developed into a low fever. So instead of the original plan of “clamping” in their room for the night, the twins had to zz in my room so that I could monitor her temp. 

Told the dad that she hardly fall sick.. so she must have missed her daddy so much🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️.. praying that the fever wouldn’t shoot too high late at night and that I could still push her to sch tomorrow morning.. 

And grace broke her new glasses ..haiz.. as if my Monday isn’t going to be busy enough..  taped it temporarily and left a msg at the optician to see when we could settle it. 

Day 1 : Monday 

The night went well.. fever didn’t come back though I was boxed by Vera several times. I was tempted to wake her up in the morning and shoo her to sch but grace says that nowadays even if it’s slight flu , the sch will send the kid home.. oh well.. guess I’ll just bring her to the PD and let her zzz in a bit.. dropped grace in school and told her to walk home on her own in case we are late..

In the cab on the way to PD.. I was tempted to drive but decided not to.. hahaha.. the tiny parking plus the huge car.. later the repair works is going to be more expensive than the cab fare..hahahaha 

And (drum roll) ..... 5 days MC..😭😭😭 bcoz Covid, so long as it’s respiratory issues, min 5days unless we do a swab. Vera was so happy, crying out for joy lo.. I’m crying also .. crying that God faster save me from this.. could it be that she picked up the bug at Nex yday? Praying silently that Grace doesn’t kena also.. I can barely handle one.. plus I have like 2 work zooms today.. and a few other appts the next few days with a sick kid at home .. 

Waiting for her expensive watermelon juice which she paid using her own monies.. her and her watermelon juice 

Came home and fed her meds.. of the 3, this is the kid that is most challenging staying at home.. coz she doesn’t enjoy reading, or have the motivation to study / revise etc ..

By mid day, I was exhausted 😴 and can’t wait for grace to come home to take over my shift. So thankful that at least I don’t need to worry abt meals. William had alrdy pre-instructed the helper what to cook on each day etc.. 

130pm : grace came back and she announced that Vera has a lot of homework !! 🥳🥳🥳 I’m so delighted .. hahahah.. coz I really need her to have some distractions so that I could start on my work or even take a nap .. grace saw my exhausted face and we did a shift change high 5.. thank God for grace .. 

By evening, after dinner and my zooms, I was exhausted.. exhausted bcoz Vera had tried to push all boundaries and all my buttons etc ..how am I going to survive the next 2 days !?? Only God knows .. and praying that God give me wisdom and patience to tahan it all.. told william that I’m not sure if he would still have 3 daughters by the time he comes back. I probably start skinning them alive tomorrow.. argh.. 

The guilt came in when I told J that I loved Vera most when she’s sound asleep next to me. Even hearing her snores is therapeutic..

Today wasn’t the most lousy day I had as a mom but it wasn’t great.. hopefully tomorrow will b better .. 

Mayb I should go swim after I drop grace tomorrow.. I probably need the extra endorphins more than anyone else now.. 

Yesterday was a fulfilling day. I went for a swim to burn some cny calories, did a FF via zoom, had a fruitful lunch with a colleague before meeting joy for the rest of the afternoon. 

It has become a mthly routine to spend the afternoon with her after sch, where she would go for her braces tightening and we would chat over coffee and cakes. Today was extended coz I needed to meet a client for a short appt at 5pm. So we had dinner before coming back. I thought I had spend a few good hrs with her, listening to her talk to me abt her world and the struggles she’s facing etc. I put on my listening ear, was careful not to pass any judgmental remarks, and just listened as a friend. As we head home on the bus, I asked her, her thoughts of us receiving a new family member. Bcoz I could sense that she wasn’t receptive, unlike her other 2 sisters who have started to embrace the fact and are actually looking forward to baby’s arrival. Her reply : “it’s the start of sleepless nights lo..” I was shocked. It was short, harsh and unkind. It felt that the whole world was about her. And this was after topping up her love tank! I didn’t say much bcoz I didn’t have the wisdom to handle it. I asked if she could look at it positively, like having a new addition also meant that we would most likely shift to a bigger place and she would b getting her much desired own room. I was desperate, as u can see. She shook her hand. Suddenly even her own space wasn’t enticing enough. 

It bothered me, coz among the 3 girls, I have to say that we spend the most time with her, always making sure that we cared abt her feelings when the twins came and even after that, we make deliberate efforts to spend one to one with her, but her comments made me realize that it seems it was never enough. It wasn’t enough despite that she alrdy had more attention than her single kid friends, or that her parents prioritise spending time with them over making more money. 

I told william abt it late at night. I felt disheartened that Joy was feeling so self entitled. I don’t know if it’s my fault that we are expecting baby J or it’s the kids of this generation. It seem like no amt of love was enough for her. And at that moment, I was feeling more guilty towards the twins coz they are often “compromised”. When we only had Joy, we travelled to so many countries, bringing her with us. When the twins came, the logistics and finances of bringing 3 young kids were too overwhelming that we either went to nearby countries and/or reduce the frequency of traveling. It was only the last 2 yrs before Covid that we started to travel more again. And with the latest addition, it probably meant that if we were to travel (again) for the company trips, it probably meant the 2 of us + baby J while the girls would b at home, fulfilling their sch requirements. 

It must be the hormones but I couldn't zz the whole night. Praying for wisdom for me to touch Joy, as well as God expand my heart, so that I could have enough LOVE for all 4 kids + my hubby.. hahah.. praying that the twins wouldn't have an advsere reaction when Baby J is here. The memory of Joy's reaction when the twins came is still raw in my mind. Probably make one to one session with the twins during the mar hols, and remembering that I need to spend time with them as well. God, grant me the time, the wisdom and patience to do it all.. in Jesus name i pray, amen!

LOVE

Booked one to one sessions with each of the girls this week becoz I was feeling guilty for the lack of activities with them personally. Vera chose to do baking bcoz none of the bakers at home want to teach her.. so I went with her..lol.. to be honest I was abit scare bcoz its 4 hrs and I'm not sure if I could have the stamina to last throughout the session but thankfully, she did most of it.. really..

The sponge cake and butter cream were prepared before hand; while the gingerbread dough were made in class by the chef. We needed to shape and decorate the cookies ; assemble the cake and cream; decorate it. It seems a lot easier when I hear the tasks we needed to do (at the start of the class); but by the halfway mark, I was dead exhausted. Thankfully my little baker did most of it ah.. I have neither the interest nor the talent for it. Hahah.. but I enjoyed my time with her..just watching her do her best to follow the instructions etc.. 

For Grace, she wasn't keen on baking or painting. She just wanted time with mama all by herself. So I brought her to watch Wonder Women since it was her fav superhero and we finally get to watch a non- Marvel film after so long. 

breakfast was at slappy cakes; followed by some Xmas shopping before we headed for the movies. It was her first time taking Gold Class! 

I haven't been to Gold class for a long while and have forgotten how comfortable it is..haha..it was a treat that she enjoyed very much and spend the next 2 days bragging to her sisters how enjoyable the whole movie treat was.. I was just glad she didn't cry midway the movie and wanted to escape from it. (Trust me, it happens to her 90% of the time)

It was nice just chilling with her; holding her hands while we chatted.. we didn't take much photos but I now know why and how she first started to know about WW. She read a story book about Ww in the library and loved it since then. She could easily explain some parts of the storyline (which was similar to the book), to me. I also know that im her one and only BFF, though I hope she would expand her list one day. 

Though exhausting, it was pretty satisfying to know a little bit more abt the girls individually. Will be Joy's turn next week.. to be updated..

happy weekend!

Joy send me this morning.. hahaha.. it's so true.. my paradise and her nightmare.. lol..  

The Choos went to the library as our first stop today

All in all, we borrowed 60 books which I know joy and grace would have no problem finishing their collection within a fortnight. Hopefully our little vera picks up this hobby too..

Happy weekend everyone! 💪 💪💪

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.

Psalms 94:19 NIV

https://psalm.bible/psalm-94-19

Such a beautiful verse to accompany me for the night. Had fallen asleep while making grace zz for the night and only woke up 2 hrs later, feeling wide awake. The jittery her is going for her op tomorrow morning and thus has been "rewarded" with a night with mama.. I didnt think much abt the op, but probably the nervousness has hit me now. After all, with every op, there are risks involved. I do hope, this will be the end of her freak accident. After almost 18mths of follow ups, 1 of her 2 burn scars has healed completely (Praise God!) while the other has grown to become a small hill. And over time, it has led to her being very conscious of her choice of clothes and her self esteem as well. And becoz it has also started to hurt/itch occasionally with signs of growth, we decided to go for the op to remove it completely. 

Praying for God's protection on her, that there would b no complications from the op, that she will have complete healing. Praying also for an uncle, who is currently in hospital for a bad fall, that he recovers soon. Praying that God will also protect all singaporeans from the current virus; and to give wisdom to our leaders in leading us. In Jesus name I pray, amen..

Hokkaido (final)

And we came back last week from our winter holidays. Overall the girls were in their bestest behaviour.. not sure if its bcoz the winter made them more lethargic or having to take public transport, but they didnt seem to have so much energy to pick on one another while we were there. In fact, they all helped one another, for which I'm thankful.. Hahahah..

Becoz some, if not all of us, were sick, the trip was further scaled down..so that we could just enjoy each others presence..had wanted to go to more places but the weather was either too cold, or the girls simply took too long to get ready..  I'm not kidding when I say we probably take 2 hrs to get ready each day...lol..

白い恋人 was one of the places we did coz all of us were fans of the famous biscuit. The girls also did some baking while we were there but it's really a tourist attraction la..

If anything, I have to give credits to them for ever so willing to q for food.. probably bcoz seats were always avail while queuing.. the good thing abt traveling in japan is there are no misses when it comes to food. Whatever we had, was always good or super good..hahah..

Pictures while queuing 

Otaru - beautiful small town. The place where we took a cab back to the train station coz we were too cold and tired by the end of the day. The girls were so grateful for the ride.. did it made them more appreciative of our car when we came back to sg? I wished.. hahaha..

Asahiyama Zoo - I realized that in recent yrs we tend to visit the zoo when we are overseas. My favourite gotten be the penguins. Majestic and in control, they weren't intimated by the many cameras. It was a pity that the penguin parade was cancelled that day. But nevertheless, we were thankful for the smooth journey.

The highlight for me personally has got to b the Doraemon park at the airport. It was like a dream come true, to be able to take photos with the crops/ sets while we were there.. n I'm glad that the girls obliged.. hahaha..

And this wraps up our trip. The girls first time seeing/playing in the snow; Joy mastering sking and uncle choo finally buying a real winter jacket while we were there. It was really a nice experience, and we are considering if we should bring them for another ski/ winter holidays next yr. But we shall see la.. 

hkk day 3-4

Thank God for papa choo, for being the anchor and compass today! We finally managed to see a doctor today bcoz there wasnt any at the ski resort.. lol..there is so many things to be grateful for today.. grateful that it didnt snow! Yeah! Bcoz if it had snowed, travelling from the bus station to the sapporo hotel would have been crazy! Grateful that papa choo is so good with his directions! We didnt need to do any 冤枉路 and we manage to take the train and walk to the hospital.

The hotel staff was v helpful in checking if the hospital had any translator around. Bcoz in japan, there are pretty strict abt this. U basically cant see a doctor unless u know japanese or there is a translator for u. All in all, the excursion at the hospital took an hr! For which I'm thankful. So thankful that William could entertain the twins while me and joy went to see our respective doctors. (Coz the hosp insisted she should go to paediatric even though she looks v much like a full grown adult) 

Had a good ramen after that and some light shopping just to top up on some lip balm etc.. actual itinerary probably starts tomorrow.. william says it's going to b light light coz we are still sick but I do feel so much better hrs after I had the meds.. yeah! Thank God for his protection on us! 

grace having a nose bleed after we got back and vera being her nurse..

then there is finally the powdery snow yday bcoz it snowed ! (Finally!) At least before we leave the ski resort, we could experience the powdery snow.. the kids were thrilled by it..n if they are happy, I'm happy.. hahahah.. 

see how cold we have become! 

HKK Day 2

It hasn't been an easy day caring for 2 sick kids and trying to prevent the healthy lonely one to be infected but we just wanna pray and give thanks that for all things, God has a plan and we only need to lean onto Him and Believe that in the end, everything is gonna b okie..

Us in the morning when Grace's fever had gone "shopping" (in her own words) 

The weather was beautiful, not too cold. It was bright and sunny. I know the girls are disappointed that they have yet to see Mr. SNOW yet.. and to be honest, I was getting a little worried too, that we would miss out like our last trip to Korea. But william reminded me again that it is all in Lord's hands and that He would know what's best. So simple and sweet. Indeed, it is always best to focus on God and His plans than our own. And with that, this little anxiety is too, gone with the wind.

我的避风港，我的oppa..hahaha

Joy had a full day of ski class, and I'm thankful that she managed to enjoy herself and really learn how to do it. By the end of the class, she could take the chair lift to the higher mountain levels and ski down. I'm glad she enjoyed it, even though we almost had to forfeit the whole lesson coz she was unwell. But she said she could n wanted to do it. I reminded her that she could end it anytime she felt the need to.

this was the only photo her coach took for her..lol.. oh well.. 

像发烧的小孩吗?

probably the only free activity in the resort..  the twins took so many times of it..lol..

if anything, the food at the ski resort has been mind blowing... hahaha.. I've been to 2 ski resorts (korea) and the food were "attraction" standards.. but the food here is soooooo good.. that it kinda made me forgot how expensive this winter holiday is. Hahahaha..  thankful la.. that food is good..

Give thanks to the Lord , for he is good; his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34 NIV