😭

I cried big big buckets last night. Was triggered by Vera bad attitude towards us, towards her siblings. 

And I’m not sure if it’s coz 

1) I’ve become less tolerant coz it suddenly dawned on me that she’s 14, not 4. How will she survive in the real world if she doesn’t speak for herself, if she continues to display such attitude to others? Or

2) like what William says “when mama is stressed, she’s easily triggered”

I did get offended when he said that last night. 

I believe it’s with good intentions that I’m not tolerating this anymore. And I want to stop my kids from giving in to her. She needs to stop bullying her siblings and start to treat everyone kindly.

I couldn’t sleep last night and my eyes are still crazy puffing. I have a shoot later… 😭😭😭

And then I have 3 appts today. (4pm, 530, 830). And another adviser trying to squeeze a consult in between. 

I said no. 

Book me in advance pls. 

Lena’s Travels

And this wraps up our 1-1 mama daughter trip. 

Thankful to be able to spend this week with my young adult, before she starts her next chapter. 

I’m a proud mama, even though she always feels that I’m not supportive of career choices. 

I guess, it’s something I need to learn, learn to let go, learn to set her free, to fly like a bird. 

My heart is full. I’m grateful for this opportunity to hold her, to let her take care of me, before her heart has other “contestants”. Hahahahhaha! 

Where did my little bean go? We stayed in a tiny boutique hotel on our Tokyo extension and had to squeeze on a tiny bed. She was uncomfortable with sharing, but I was delighted. Hahahah.. I jokingly reminded her that she used to only be able sleep on my arm. There were many nights where sleeping meant carrying a 10 kg baby and singing “twinkle twinkle” til I see stars.. hahahha.. 

感恩你长大了，这么优秀，这么会照顾别人。 我希望你能记得要好好照顾自己，也希望在不久的将来你也会找到一个会照顾你一辈子的人。

妈妈永远爱你 ❤️

新年

At 88, if the growing up fears/insecurities were not resolved, it will continue to surface even at this age. 

And this is my MIL. 

It’s Saturday and William is hosting his cousins and relatives. He has to pick her up before 4pm so that the party will start. And the plan is for Joash to nap with me during this period, so that both of us have enough battery before it starts. 

Just as we woke up, and I asked Joash to go out to greet his grandma, this was what happened:

Mil: “Why didn’t you come pick me up? Is it u don’t love me anymore?” 

Joash: probably a stunned look. 

To be honest, I was really triggered hearing this in my room. 

My thoughts playing in my head: 

“Yes, my son loves me more, you have any problem?” 

“What the f*** did u have to say this to my son?”

And the list goes on. 

At this moment, I wanted to just head to church. Coz the girls had a choice of choosing church or stay home to host. And I presume I could too. 

🥹🥹🥹

And this was going thru my mind the whole time. 

I wanted to leave for church. Let me change. 

As I was changing, I was reminded by how the man loved me and doing this (even if he allow, would put him in a fix). 

Hiding in the room while I could hear the loud loud chattering happening outside. 

I decide to honor my man, decide to be nice. Decide that no matter the triggers, I choose to be here for my man. 

It’s also a reminder that I should confront all my fears and insecurities now at 45 and not let it drag til old age. 

She’s my motivation to grow old to be a 快乐老人。

How much is a litre of confidence?

I talked abt this several times on my blog. 

https://pigletchoo.blogspot.com/2023/12/lessons.html?m=1

Looking back, I’m definitely more confident now compared to 2yrs ago. 

And I’m happy where I am now. 

I’m thankful I didn’t surrender when things felt overwhelming.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to grow, and grow tremendously which I didn’t expect. 

I’m thankful to have my band of cheerleaders who stood by me, waiting to just give me a hug whenever I feel like crying. You know who u are. 

On a personal note, I finally decided to hold a celebration for our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s been on my mind since my 10th anniversary, but I got lazy/distracted/overwhelmed. 

And then a whimsical trip to JB, I found myself wanting to do it again. Cause 20 yrs is a milestone. 

”我不知道我们还会有多一个20年吗？” that was what I told uncle Choo.. 

Thoughts of death or even the vulnerability of marriage kept lingering in my mind. 

So I decided, let’s do it! 

Looking for a venue to do a small cozy little party for now. 

Hope I wouldn’t give up and cancel it by the next post! Hahahaha.. 

Learning a new sport

Learning a new sport at 45 is scary. 

Especially when I haven’t been a sporty person all my life. 

I always tell my friends: 

“球太大，我怕打到我。球太小，我接不到。” 

But I didn’t want to say no to Rachel for the third time. She has been organizing it every month, for our team. Says it’s to exercise together to work towards a healthier lifestyle, and not simply work work work. She did quietly tell me that it also helps save me money coz we can do team bonding very affordabily.  

真的是让我又爱又恨的小朋友。❤️

And so I went today. Even though I played out 101 excuses to fly them at the last minute, even though I’m not sure how it would end. 

Ming started with warm up, and even before it ended, I thought I was FINISHED. 

Hahahaha… 

Then we played. Small simple exercises at the start, then eventually the respective courts depending on yr skill level. 

I actually enjoyed myself more than I expected. 

Even though my muscles still aching like crazy as I’m writing this. 

Even though none of my comfort kakis are here. 

It used to bother me a lot when they didn’t come. In fact none of my seniors came. 

But I realize that I wouldn’t have come if I was an adviser even if my boss had organized. 

And I’m completely okay with it now. 

We all have 24 hours a day. 

I spend some time out of my comfort zone today and I’m proud of myself. 

I had no expectations or disappointment on the actions of others.

I’m proud of my own realisation. And I’m enjoying this moment of ME now. 

I’m thankful. 

Thankful for the growth.

P/S: Told Rachel my social battery was flat after I parted ways with them. She asked why? Especially since it’s my own team! I told her that my mind had less than 5 sentences that’s non work related.. hahaha.. just socially awkward. Hahahaha..

Emotional Comfort

Had a brownie and some ice cream after my afternoon zoom. 

Needed some comfort food cause Mondays are tough, especially when I have 3 physical appts and 1 zoom today.

Needed comfort coz I felt helpless in my zoom appt. It was a review with my client. He’s a hawker, and his wife is a homemaker and they have 2 primary school kids. Their mthly income isn’t a lot and isn’t stable. So there are months where they had to dip into savings. 

I’ve been nudging them to apply for BTO after their failed first attempt. Failed cause they didn’t manage to get the loan approved. And before we knew it, the property prices shot the roof and getting another BTO just seem more and more difficult. 

Moments like this I wished I could do more to help. Offer them a job, or show them to another career that will be able to pay them better. 

Hopefully by the next review things will turn around for them. 

Protecting Boundaries

Yesterday, one of my advisers SOS and asked if she could have a crash course today at 11am about a particular product. 

The usual me would have say yes immediately. After all, it must be an emergency. 

But I stopped myself. Instead, I suggested that she come for my afternoon team training so that I can go thru with her. 

I’ve taught this product several times in office before. But she didn’t attend. 

She said she couldn’t attend the afternoon session and will find her way out. 

It’s a struggle to say no. But 2026, I want to be more protective of my time and the people important to me. 

I don’t know when or how long it started but my priority list / time allocation for 2025 somehow became:

Advisers -> Clients -> Family -> William -> me

I said yes to any of my advisers who needed an emergency training, case study, or anything. My time with my kids suffered. My marriage too. And lastly, I had only scraps for myself. 

I was burnt out, felt like a rabbit chasing my own tail. My client appts suffered too, cause I hardly had much energy to think properly. Each appt goal was to end it ASAP. 

So after a session with my coach, I’ve set out healthier hrs and boundaries for each area that’s important to me. 

I’m thankful for the break now, so that I can think clearly. Thankful that I can take a pause and not feel guilty. 

To many more learning lessons ❤️