Day 9 of solo parenting

话真的不可以说得太早。 

One of those days when everything felt overwhelming; exhausting, and one where I just wanna whisked myself into thin air. 

Vera hasn’t been in her mood for the last few days, and no amt of “letting her do her way” has done anything to help. 

Joash is a close 2nd. 

Grace has been very sweet in attending to her twin’s needs but equally triggering next to Joash. 

Counting down to 1 last night. 

I think I’m coming down to something too.. either the hormones or I’m getting sick soon.. 

This too shall pass. Amen!

Happy Mothers Day!

This must be the most number of bouquets I’ve received in a week! 

No I’m not showing off. Just super grateful for the love showered by many. 

孩子好像长大了。 I even got a bouquet from Joy too!

I don’t quite remember when was the last time she bought flowers for me.. usually Mothers Day meant bringing the kids out for a meal, or they would write a card for me.. 

But this week, they have all given me gifts in their own special ways. 

Grace baked cream puffs which were so nice… 

Vera volunteered to take care of Joash.. they are so lovely dovely that they wanted to nap today.. and that explains why I can’t nap on my bed 🤣🤣🤣

Joash made bf for me this morning! And he even told me that he would take the train to his swim class, so that I can take the morning off to REST! 

感恩小朋友好像真的长大了。就算只有今天，我也很感谢🥹

Awwwwwwww my heart is filled with gratitude. 

William even send a second bouquet of flowers today, so that I wouldn’t be lonely.

 Few more days before he comes back from his sabbatical. Looking forward! 

Thank you for letting me be yr mama all these years! 

Delayed emotions

Suddenly felt a dash of emotions today when I realize that both uncle choo and joy would be away for the next 10 days… 

And I’m going to hold the font while they are up in their respective mountains 🥹

This is how I’m feeling now. Probably started since last night when I couldn’t really zzz.. 

It got so bad that I skipped my afternoon nap today.. 

I know it’s only 10 days and they will be back faster than I realize. Just a tingling fear abt the worse case scenario:

1. what if joy had some mishaps during outfield ? 
2. What if uncle choo got lost in his jungle trekking? 
3. What if things got so overwhelming at home and I end up screaming / killing the other kids ? 🥹🤣🤣🤣 
4. Grace even ask who should she save first if I put the remote control or vera phone into the freezer? (Happened before)

I know this too shall pass… Haiz.. I should mull over a cup of Nutella .. Hahahhaha.. that thought itself gave me a smile 😊 

They will be 14 tomorrow. How time flies. 

I remember how those early days were - always overwhelmed; always exhausted; always tired and even if I wanted to fight with Uncle, using that time to sleep felt more important. 

The days are long but the years short. 

I guess there is some truth to it. 

Grace was just reminding me recently that the current house is the only house where vera and her stuff wasn’t thrown out of the house! lol…  those years had been so hard, coz she is as stubborn as me; more sensitive / emo than me; and more whiny.. it’s like Lena 2.0. 

Recently it’s nice to just hug and cuddle her. I think I might invite her to my bed when William goes for his sabbatical break. 

I’m not a perfect mom. We fight so much then. I/We cried so much; either together or alone on my bed. 

Thankful that even though things aren’t perfect, we make it thru. 

One of the rare times where I'm not rushing to anywhere.. not trying to reply to 101 emails/whatsapp or having 200 things trying to check it away. 

I'm in a nice Mexican cafe, waiting for my my work-kid to come over for lunch.. she's not late. I'm early.

The first quarter just flew past. I didn't even remember what kept me so busy. I didn't even had that many appts to be honest. 

Today is a great day, sun is out. I had a morning work zoom, that I thought i should have prepared for more. But what's done is done. Then this work lunch with my kid, then 3pm client appt. 

Thankful that this period has been quite peaceful, not mad hectic. 

I even went for a networking lunch yesterday and did lotsa of recording in office..lol.. I see an improvement over time, but i also noticed a drop in energy after doing it for too much.hahahah.. work in progress.. 

Growth is uncomfortable, but I'm thankful that I get to try new things, appreciate life.

Today is good.

Peaceful Easter Weekend

This is by far one of the most peaceful Easter weekends I ever had.. i remember for the longest time when the girls were little, the long weekend often meant many meltdowns, endless cryings and battles after battles.. i tried to search on my blog, but i probably can't find it. Just a snippet of Easter here

Anyway this weekend, I went to NUS with joy.. the last time i was here with her was 9 yrs ago! And I drove past that college today too..How time flies when that NUS visit was initiated by her school back then to encourage the kids to be motivated to study hard so that they can go to a better university when they grow up.. 

Now that kid has grown up. She's going for her BMT on Tuesday, and overseas uni in Sep.. that little bun.. my little baby..

Uncle Choo whipped up a feast today.. as a farewell treat for the firstborn ba.. 

But little did I know that as I was chatting with him at the end of the dinner, he was overwhelmed with emotions.. 

"I'm not ready for her next phrase of life.." he said softly..

My quiet giant.. 🥹🥹🥹

I know he's proud of her. I am too. And even though we are proud of her achievements, and how sensible she has blossomed over the years, this moment is HARD. She made us parents first.. its as if she's our first teacher..lol.. 

Praying that God continue to guide her in her next season, that God comfort my CEO, that he has peace in his heart. 

THank you Jesus for everything! Amen!

Throwback to last Monday

 The hubby booked me for lunch today, on a Monday afternoon where I’m usually the busiest. And to top it off, today is my video shoot! 

Alrdy feeling the whole of nerves over that and he has to do lunch today. 

But yes I appreciate his initiative, to still bring me out. I’m considering if I should tell him “pls no Mondays  next time.. or should I just prioritize him n make my Mondays less hectic” 

Thankful for a hubby that still dates me even though I should have book him for his bday. In a way, I’m guilty that I should have booked him for a lunch date, but I was so packed that he took matters into his hands... 没有心的老婆.. 🤣🤣🤣

What we did at the shoot. Thankful that Chengyi and Angela were there. If not I would have died.. hahahaha.. 

Not sure how it would end up like but we shall see. 

Growth is uncomfortable, so is fear, and unknown. Thankful for the cheerleaders in this journey. 

I wrote a small note in the morning. The purpose of us doing a shoot, to do up our branding etc.. it’s not coz I wanted to be an influencer, or a celebrity. But I hope thru my tiny efforts, bring those who want to know abt this career find us, to encourage women to not just settle, but believe that the sky is the limit. 

😭

I cried big big buckets last night. Was triggered by Vera bad attitude towards us, towards her siblings. 

And I’m not sure if it’s coz 

1) I’ve become less tolerant coz it suddenly dawned on me that she’s 14, not 4. How will she survive in the real world if she doesn’t speak for herself, if she continues to display such attitude to others? Or

2) like what William says “when mama is stressed, she’s easily triggered”

I did get offended when he said that last night. 

I believe it’s with good intentions that I’m not tolerating this anymore. And I want to stop my kids from giving in to her. She needs to stop bullying her siblings and start to treat everyone kindly.

I couldn’t sleep last night and my eyes are still crazy puffing. I have a shoot later… 😭😭😭

And then I have 3 appts today. (4pm, 530, 830). And another adviser trying to squeeze a consult in between. 

I said no. 

Book me in advance pls. 

Lena’s Travels

And this wraps up our 1-1 mama daughter trip. 

Thankful to be able to spend this week with my young adult, before she starts her next chapter. 

I’m a proud mama, even though she always feels that I’m not supportive of career choices. 

I guess, it’s something I need to learn, learn to let go, learn to set her free, to fly like a bird. 

My heart is full. I’m grateful for this opportunity to hold her, to let her take care of me, before her heart has other “contestants”. Hahahahhaha! 

Where did my little bean go? We stayed in a tiny boutique hotel on our Tokyo extension and had to squeeze on a tiny bed. She was uncomfortable with sharing, but I was delighted. Hahahah.. I jokingly reminded her that she used to only be able sleep on my arm. There were many nights where sleeping meant carrying a 10 kg baby and singing “twinkle twinkle” til I see stars.. hahahha.. 

感恩你长大了，这么优秀，这么会照顾别人。 我希望你能记得要好好照顾自己，也希望在不久的将来你也会找到一个会照顾你一辈子的人。

妈妈永远爱你 ❤️

新年

At 88, if the growing up fears/insecurities were not resolved, it will continue to surface even at this age. 

And this is my MIL. 

It’s Saturday and William is hosting his cousins and relatives. He has to pick her up before 4pm so that the party will start. And the plan is for Joash to nap with me during this period, so that both of us have enough battery before it starts. 

Just as we woke up, and I asked Joash to go out to greet his grandma, this was what happened:

Mil: “Why didn’t you come pick me up? Is it u don’t love me anymore?” 

Joash: probably a stunned look. 

To be honest, I was really triggered hearing this in my room. 

My thoughts playing in my head: 

“Yes, my son loves me more, you have any problem?” 

“What the f*** did u have to say this to my son?”

And the list goes on. 

At this moment, I wanted to just head to church. Coz the girls had a choice of choosing church or stay home to host. And I presume I could too. 

🥹🥹🥹

And this was going thru my mind the whole time. 

I wanted to leave for church. Let me change. 

As I was changing, I was reminded by how the man loved me and doing this (even if he allow, would put him in a fix). 

Hiding in the room while I could hear the loud loud chattering happening outside. 

I decide to honor my man, decide to be nice. Decide that no matter the triggers, I choose to be here for my man. 

It’s also a reminder that I should confront all my fears and insecurities now at 45 and not let it drag til old age. 

She’s my motivation to grow old to be a 快乐老人。

How much is a litre of confidence?

I talked abt this several times on my blog. 

https://pigletchoo.blogspot.com/2023/12/lessons.html?m=1

Looking back, I’m definitely more confident now compared to 2yrs ago. 

And I’m happy where I am now. 

I’m thankful I didn’t surrender when things felt overwhelming.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to grow, and grow tremendously which I didn’t expect. 

I’m thankful to have my band of cheerleaders who stood by me, waiting to just give me a hug whenever I feel like crying. You know who u are. 

On a personal note, I finally decided to hold a celebration for our 20th wedding anniversary. It’s been on my mind since my 10th anniversary, but I got lazy/distracted/overwhelmed. 

And then a whimsical trip to JB, I found myself wanting to do it again. Cause 20 yrs is a milestone. 

”我不知道我们还会有多一个20年吗？” that was what I told uncle Choo.. 

Thoughts of death or even the vulnerability of marriage kept lingering in my mind. 

So I decided, let’s do it! 

Looking for a venue to do a small cozy little party for now. 

Hope I wouldn’t give up and cancel it by the next post! Hahahaha.. 

Learning a new sport

Learning a new sport at 45 is scary. 

Especially when I haven’t been a sporty person all my life. 

I always tell my friends: 

“球太大，我怕打到我。球太小，我接不到。” 

But I didn’t want to say no to Rachel for the third time. She has been organizing it every month, for our team. Says it’s to exercise together to work towards a healthier lifestyle, and not simply work work work. She did quietly tell me that it also helps save me money coz we can do team bonding very affordabily.  

真的是让我又爱又恨的小朋友。❤️

And so I went today. Even though I played out 101 excuses to fly them at the last minute, even though I’m not sure how it would end. 

Ming started with warm up, and even before it ended, I thought I was FINISHED. 

Hahahaha… 

Then we played. Small simple exercises at the start, then eventually the respective courts depending on yr skill level. 

I actually enjoyed myself more than I expected. 

Even though my muscles still aching like crazy as I’m writing this. 

Even though none of my comfort kakis are here. 

It used to bother me a lot when they didn’t come. In fact none of my seniors came. 

But I realize that I wouldn’t have come if I was an adviser even if my boss had organized. 

And I’m completely okay with it now. 

We all have 24 hours a day. 

I spend some time out of my comfort zone today and I’m proud of myself. 

I had no expectations or disappointment on the actions of others.

I’m proud of my own realisation. And I’m enjoying this moment of ME now. 

I’m thankful. 

Thankful for the growth.

P/S: Told Rachel my social battery was flat after I parted ways with them. She asked why? Especially since it’s my own team! I told her that my mind had less than 5 sentences that’s non work related.. hahaha.. just socially awkward. Hahahaha..

Emotional Comfort

Had a brownie and some ice cream after my afternoon zoom. 

Needed some comfort food cause Mondays are tough, especially when I have 3 physical appts and 1 zoom today.

Needed comfort coz I felt helpless in my zoom appt. It was a review with my client. He’s a hawker, and his wife is a homemaker and they have 2 primary school kids. Their mthly income isn’t a lot and isn’t stable. So there are months where they had to dip into savings. 

I’ve been nudging them to apply for BTO after their failed first attempt. Failed cause they didn’t manage to get the loan approved. And before we knew it, the property prices shot the roof and getting another BTO just seem more and more difficult. 

Moments like this I wished I could do more to help. Offer them a job, or show them to another career that will be able to pay them better. 

Hopefully by the next review things will turn around for them.