4 months

 

This was what I wrote in may, when I was deciding my Ys. I knew that it had to be convincing, otherwise I would fall and crumple when I met with obstacles. I knew that I needed something to refer to, to remind me of why I wanted to do this. And this week was one of those weeks where I needed an extra reminder. 

Nothing major happened. It was just exhausting. Tired of working past 11pm every night, tired of having to open my laptop on weekends. I know I can choose not to reply those emails on weekends, but it will just snowballed to Mon which make things even worse. Tired of having to mingle with colleagues whom I hardly know just few mths ago, and trying my best to understand them and make their working here a little bit better. This isn’t the usual me - having to step out of my comfort zone to know new people, make small talk. I honestly do wanna make their working life a bit better if I can, but it’s tiring to mingle and make small talk, if u get what I mean. And then there’s tons of working partners who wanna do coffee/trainings/ whatever that I’ve been trying so hard to turn down. And this is me, 4mths into the new job. 

Will I finally get used to this? Will I find my balance between family, management and personal sales? I wished I wouldn’t feel like drowning every single day. I wish God give me the right balance in all 3 areas, the right mentality to cope with all these challenges. 

I’m like the fomo manager, always worried that I’m not doing enough for my team. If other managers are giving xxx to their team, I start thinking of ways to provide the same for my babies too. And it’s exhuasting. Angela says that I should have more confidence in my leadership. I wish they sell it over the counter or during the Black Friday sale. Hahaha.. 

People say what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger. I hope I will arrive at that stage soon. 

Emo-ing

Couldn’t zz well the whole night. It’s the day before I fly with the twins. Contemplated going to the gym today but in the end I chose the easy way out. I went for a swim. Thought it will do me more good to have time to clear my thoughts and realign myself.

Told Angela yday that I was emo-ing. Kinda question myself why I decided to fly AGAIN. When I’m buried in my work and there seems tons of things to do. She reminded me that it’s to spend time with the twins who are often the neglected generation/ kids coz we were trying very much to stay afloat (financially/ mentally / physically) most of their toddler yrs and we hardly did anything special for them. That is a timely reminder. And that was why I signed up for this. They are at the stage where they are old enough to take care of themselves while overseas, and young enough to still follow instructions.. lol.. yes yes, I do wanna spend time with them, do girly things like shopping or cafe hopping or just bring them to their fav Running Man sites. 

Just praying that the directionless mama don’t get too loss everywhere. The map seems to show that all the places are quite within walking distance, and my strategy is to cab if possible. Coz I’m afraid I’ll drown in their metro. Hahahaha.. 

Praying that I’ll survive the red eye flight. Grace is still nursing a cough, praying that God heals her soon! May we find favour on this trip, that everyone will have mercy on us. In Jesus name I pray, amen!

P/S: I’m really scare to be honest. Afraid that I can’t zzz on the plane, or my room booking was rejected or we get really lost or the twins end up killing each other. But we will see. This is for them. This is to spend time with my neglected twins. 

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The first burn out

Got so angry with myself this afternoon. This is a rant post. 

Not sure if it was becoz of fatigue, or simply bcoz I was frustrated that our house is still looking like in a mess, or that there just seem so many things that I need to push everyone to do. Why?! Why can’t he automatically realize the messiness and start clearing? Or why can’t he bring the kids to kidztopia while I take a breather? esp since he alrdy went AMK to chill while vera had her art class. I was working and juggling 2 kids and I wished I hadn’t fix appts on Saturdays. (In his defence, he said he was getting household items while waiting for vera to finish art class. He wasn’t just chilling chilling). 

The angst got into me so badly that I cried myself to zzz after lunch. I knew I needed a nap, so that I could speak properly and rethink my own thoughts after that. I have learnt that words spoken out in anger, will always end up in regrets. 

Took a 1hr nap. Woke up feeling better but not good enough.

Dropped the kids in church and I started my convo with him. Told him that I was frustrated that he was always having fun while I’m always working. I’m tired of ALWAYS WORKING. I don’t even know why I work so hard for. Am I working so hard bcoz of $$, bcoz I want to inspire my babies / colleagues or what am I trying to prove? Or am I trying to hide behind the fact that I’m only competent in work and nothing else? Will my kids be inspired bcoz mama tried her best or will they only rem that mama is always not around for dinners nowadays. Haiz.. emo sia.. 

Anyway back to our convo:

I told him I wished he could work his fair share too. (Work here meaning, his tasks. Like making the house more liveable, clearing the storeroom or even chasing after the contractor to see when he can start doing the things etc). It’s not fair when I’m working my ass off, and when I come home, I see him playing on his gadgets. It’s not fair when he doesn’t do his things and I still need jaga my kids. I like to divide everything equally. If I have to work, and he also does his tasks, then I’m more than willing to cover the parenting duties. But it can’t be a regular thing where im working, and he isn’t, but he’s also not doing parenting too. My systems can’t accept this imbalance on a regular basis. 

We had a calm heart to heart talk. He clarified some of the things and I also told him that I would appreciate if he could bring Joash to AMK occasionally if I had to work. He promised to clear the messiness before I come back from Korea. I appreciate the us now. Where I can frankly lay out my unhappiness and we can work together to make this better.

Maybe it’s also bcoz I’m traveling soon, so my hormones are all over the place. Or the lack of eating comfort food that is eating me alive. 

So badly craving for an ice cream now. Damn. 🥹🥹🥹

Change for the better

Following my emotional early week, I decided to sort out my thoughts and realign what I really want in this weight loss/ exercise regime. Fact of the matter is I haven’t lost any weight since i started gym exercises. I am a lot more energetic now and fitter, be it emotionally/mentally/physically,  but if we look strictly at the weighing scale - negative. 

No loss in weight and no gain in muscle 🤣🤣🤣 

I eat as though I’m breastfeeding. And it’s scary sometimes. Lol… then I stumble onto some YouTube videos of women struggling with their relationship with Food and I reasonate with them. I eat when I’m happy, I eat even more when I’m sad. Food isn’t just food. It is an escape to me. It brings me more joy than online shopping to be honest. I don’t know which is a bigger evil, to shop excessively and end up being broke and a lot of clutter but no gain in calories; or eat excessively with lots of calories, but no clutter and still broke.. hahahaha.. 

And sometimes the impulse eating gets into me. The guilt that strikes u a second blow after the calories creep into yr body systems. Like why didn’t I exercise more self control? It’s like having an affair with FOOD when u alrdy swear that u going to be a good girl and be faithful and eat CLEAN. 

So I decided to blog my #changeforthebetter series so that in time to come, I hope I can see an improvement in me. It may seem slow progress, but as long as I don’t quit, the slow progress is still progress. 

What do I hope to achieve out of the exercise regime? What’s my goals? 

1) To be healthier, to get fitter, to go to BFT at least 4x a week

2) Not quit 

Eating clean isn’t part of my goals. I will eat yummy food, and clean food as and when I like. Hahahaha… I can’t manage so many diff things at a time. Just wanna make sure I show up for gym now. Show up, and sweat thru the 55mins regime and I can do whatever I want for the rest of the day. 

Til then.

Sleepless

Going to be so screwed later coz I woke up at 4plus to pee and couldn’t go back to zzz 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

End up checking out my cart of diapers, milk formula and a phone for the teenager.

Sleepless nights happen for the weirdest reasons; stressed/too free (so can always nap in the afternoon); need to speak in public etc.. not that I need to exercise my mouth anytime soon..

Crawled to gym and weighed in today. Damn.. didn’t lose any weight. Told MT that either she sees me exercising and my weight stays the same or she don’t see me but I eat clean and weight drops. Hahahaha.. I keep reminding myself not to revenge eat, but somehow food and I are magnets. If I don’t eat, I’ll be grouchy. Fun fact 

Going to take a nap for now. 

Exams week

It’s the exams week for the twins and it only dawned on me after allowing them to watch Running Man, during the Sunday afternoon (which I kena a huge scolding from joy). I should have given them another practice paper to do (said the teenager) so that she could mark it before their science paper on Wednesday. I appreciate her help, even though she herself is trying to study for her O levels. And this is for science. 

I was the supposedly Math tutor, but the busy me had forgotten that exams was round the corner and didnt have time to go thru any exam papers. Thus the mad rush on Mon and Tues - trying to drill and practice any topics that they might be weak at. 

I’m guilt tripping myself. I know. I hate the me now too. I wished I had 48hrs, so that I could do my work, take care of my babies, tutor my kids and bring them out for fun activities. My personal work schedule was crazy for the last 2-3 weeks. I had abt 15 appts / week, which was the norm last time. But bcoz of the additional work commitment, it meant that my weeks have become shorter as there are more meetings that I need to attend. And the last thing I want is for my clients to give me a pass, just bcoz I have 4 kids or my babies to say “my mgmr has no time for me bcoz she’s running her own personal sales etc”.. I don’t like to receive such discounts. I chose the portfolios and I need to be able to manage it as if I’m just holding this portfolio only. Otherwise it wouldn’t be fair to any of my stakeholders just bcoz I choose to take on multiple roles. Mayb it’s just me. Mayb I’m being too hard on myself. But my stance has always been to try my very best, and not to give myself excuses. 要做就要做到最好，不然就不做。

Need to have better control of my time, to set time aside for each portfolio, and not wait til it becomes amber / red before we come fire fight. I don’t like not doing my best. I believe that if I try my best and still fail, at least 我对得起自己。And it can become an inspiring story for my kids and my babies too. It can be a win win scenario for all. What I hope the kids learn is to persevere even if the going seems tough; even if what we are doing seems irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. This is grit. Just like how I used to dread doing Math w Vera, it has now become our weekly bonding time. We have come a long way and I’m thankful that things turn out well, even though there are still tough moments. It’s the overcoming challenges despite how difficult it seems, that makes it all the more sweeter.

This week the kids take centre stage. This week we try to conquer the exams. Next week we go back to normal revisions, and cover topics that mama fail to go thru before exams. It’s fine. Studying is for knowledge, not just pass the EOYs. And may you bring this wisdom along with you as u grow. May you try to explore different areas even though you might not be good at initially. 

“At the start you don’t need to be good. To be good, you need to start”

Emo me

All 4 kids will b home today - no school. William will be attending the PLMGS founders day concert in the morning followed by D&D at night. I have 4 zooms and 1 management meeting today. 

Feeling emo last night when I realize this. Why does he get to attend his social events while my schedule for the next 2 weeks are either work or math tuition. 😩 

I feel so unbalanced but I didn’t wanna damper his spirits. I know he has been looking forward to such events and he enjoy meeting his friends. 

I told J that my schedule will b crazy all the way til Korea coz I don’t really have that many slots for my own personal sales. There’s meetings and meetings that will overrun (for sure). 

I wanted to go to the gym but I’ve fallen sick since I got back. In fact, I was coughing so badly the whole of last night that I barely zzz. 🥹🥹🥹 And not able to sweat it out in the gym probably allowed the negative hormones overstayed in me. Haiz. 

I have no solution for what I’m feeling today. It’s crazy packed and I don’t wanna yield down to cakes and chocolates. Trying to take control of my eating habits. Enjoy the food minus the emotions. 

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.