Not sure if it was becoz of fatigue, or simply bcoz I was frustrated that our house is still looking like in a mess, or that there just seem so many things that I need to push everyone to do. Why?! Why can’t he automatically realize the messiness and start clearing? Or why can’t he bring the kids to kidztopia while I take a breather? esp since he alrdy went AMK to chill while vera had her art class. I was working and juggling 2 kids and I wished I hadn’t fix appts on Saturdays. (In his defence, he said he was getting household items while waiting for vera to finish art class. He wasn’t just chilling chilling).
The angst got into me so badly that I cried myself to zzz after lunch. I knew I needed a nap, so that I could speak properly and rethink my own thoughts after that. I have learnt that words spoken out in anger, will always end up in regrets.
Took a 1hr nap. Woke up feeling better but not good enough.
Dropped the kids in church and I started my convo with him. Told him that I was frustrated that he was always having fun while I’m always working. I’m tired of ALWAYS WORKING. I don’t even know why I work so hard for. Am I working so hard bcoz of $$, bcoz I want to inspire my babies / colleagues or what am I trying to prove? Or am I trying to hide behind the fact that I’m only competent in work and nothing else? Will my kids be inspired bcoz mama tried her best or will they only rem that mama is always not around for dinners nowadays. Haiz.. emo sia..
Anyway back to our convo:
I told him I wished he could work his fair share too. (Work here meaning, his tasks. Like making the house more liveable, clearing the storeroom or even chasing after the contractor to see when he can start doing the things etc). It’s not fair when I’m working my ass off, and when I come home, I see him playing on his gadgets. It’s not fair when he doesn’t do his things and I still need jaga my kids. I like to divide everything equally. If I have to work, and he also does his tasks, then I’m more than willing to cover the parenting duties. But it can’t be a regular thing where im working, and he isn’t, but he’s also not doing parenting too. My systems can’t accept this imbalance on a regular basis.
We had a calm heart to heart talk. He clarified some of the things and I also told him that I would appreciate if he could bring Joash to AMK occasionally if I had to work. He promised to clear the messiness before I come back from Korea. I appreciate the us now. Where I can frankly lay out my unhappiness and we can work together to make this better.
Maybe it’s also bcoz I’m traveling soon, so my hormones are all over the place. Or the lack of eating comfort food that is eating me alive.
So badly craving for an ice cream now. Damn. 🥹🥹🥹
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