On Depression

I've always tried to blog more on happy events than on depressing ones, coz I've always feel like if I were to pass , I would want to be remembered as one that is always joyful despite all circumstances. But the Easter weekend was extremely difficult for me. Depression has hit me and hit me hard it has. D has made a comeback. I've always struggled with it, and my job doesn't make it easier as the job deals with rejection/ disappointments/ expectations/ waiting.

As I recall one of the more jialat incidents, it was when I had joy. The struggles of being a first time parent, problems of breastfeeding and the effects of post natal made me crumple. I wanted to die then. I wanted to jump or hurt myself coz the pains from depression was so hard that I wonder if hurting myself physically would divert/ transfer my pain.

Fast forward a few yrs and I rem the struggles of infertility made me slipped into D again. I rem crying when I see pregnant women, or hearing some person I know who is preg. I rem being devastated when it rained, it felt as though God cried together with me in my struggles. I rem asking God to bring me Home coz living was painful. And still I survived. I rem walking out of it first even before I embarked on my IVF journey.  I rem entrusting all to the Lord and by doing so, I fared better dealing with injections than with hormone pills during my infertile journey.

Depression has made a come-back again and on the Easter weekend.  I don't know if it's been breeding for a long time it was it the long weekend or the hormones. But it consumed me on Sunday, on unsuspecting me, when I didn't seem to be facing any major issues / struggles in life, but juz trying to get on with my routine normal life. It has decided to visit an old friend. I had planned and wanted to do many activities with the kids since it was the long weekend. We did many activities , but things didn't go smoothly. In fact it seems like all the things that could go wrong, went wrong that weekend. They were quarrelling , whining and there were many episodes. I was snapping at the girls now and then, and acting like a mad mama on the street. It got so much that by the nth time, I told them to kill each other if they couldn't live with each other. I was tired of it all. I was tired of them not appreciating the efforts made to bring them out, the things they hv in life, tired of always falling short of what they want as a mama. By the time they sleep on Sunday night, I had completely lost it. I was crying v hard at not being a gd mom, @ not giving them enough time and patience; @ not filling their schedule with more fun filling actives before sch reopens.

I cried hard. I wanted to die. Again.  I thought maybe it would b better for the kids to have a new mama. I wanted to end it. I told mr choo that he could remarry if I die; or he could live a rich man's life with the insurance monies. He didn't over react. He took it calmly. He was there reassuring me. It was as if God placed him there, to make sure I didn't do anything foolish. He was with me as I cried buckets n buckets, me not knowing why.

I told him I wasn't happy with juz letting the kids go thru childhood on a routine, we should do more things for them and with them and not juz leave it to the sch. I wanted them to learn baking with the dad, or picnic or character building; and not juz routine parenting ie, making them eat ; bathe and sleep parenting. I rem when I grow up even though my parents were poor and we live simply, my mom made sure that we had the right values growing up. Suddenly the expectations of being a parent hit me and I had problems dealing with it.

Mr choo agreed and we now embark on agreed new phrase of parenting. We brought the kids to cycle and picnic yday. Everything went well and I also taught the girls a lesson on appreciating the things we have in life vs complaining on the things we don't have. Also had a heart to heart talk with joy , who had become increasingly less tolerant of her twin sisters. Yes, the girl who prayed and prayed for a younger sibling is telling me she's regretting it every now and then. I told her that if I only have xx no. Of hours everyday and if she wants it solely hers, I will quit my job, sell the 2 houses, sell the car and we can move to a rented hdb. I told her that I have limited resources and if she really needs me full time in her growing yrs, I'm prepared to give up all these earthly possessions for all. I think it hit her, it hit me as well. And yes, I'm prepared to quit my work and live life simply. But this means that all of them have to be prepared for some sacrifices as well. I was glad that I got it off my chest, honestly. I was tried of working so hard and feeling so guilty of not spending time with the girls. I was tired of being in the rat race , always earning not enough to pay the bills. And yes, I'm prepared to live simply. If this means teaching the girls the value of money and enjoying life's simple pleasures. Yes we can do this. Joy teared. I don't know if it was because of the thought of no holidays or public transport everywhere or maybe having mama 24/7 caused it. But I hope she understand.

I'm tired of tahaning it all. I shall face my weaknesses as they come. Be it work,emo, spiritual. I will have the faith that God is with us and He will carry me in my fight with D. And in all circumstances, I will give thanks. 

I will die one day, but not today.

10-5-0

This afternoon I posted a question to joy..

Me : Joy, shall mummy have another baby next yr? Then it will b 10-5-0? 5 yrs gap each among u all?

Joy: A funny yet vicious stare.. those u c on Korean dramas

Joy: Mummy !

Me: what's more , with that we will have 2 pigs, 2 roosters and 2 dragons in the household? Wouldn't that be lovely ?

Joy: Is it so easy to be pregnant ?

Mr choo : hmm.. I've got 8 more yrs at PL  (pri).. If we have another one then it's 12 yrs leh.. don't wan la..

At this point I burst out laughing. . Hahaha... no la, we are not having another one.. 3 is enough.. although it seems interesting to have each child at 5 yrs gap.. it's interesting to know tt the twins are at the stage when joy was at, when we were doing our IVF. . So fast time flies..and I always feel tt twins seem younger than joy when she was at this age. Joy was always the mature 老大 in the family.  How bless we are to have her as our firstborn. It is so true that because she has made parenting seems so easy (at least in the initial yrs ) ; I would have the courage to have another child.

Anyway even though it seems nice to have 2 of the Chinese animals in the family, it's not a very strong reason to have #4.

I juz want to enjoy the rest of my time with Mr choo and the 3 girls.. to travel and play and cry together, 3 is enough. 

Our first zoo run

Last Sunday we went for a zoo run with joy and her 2 buddies from childcare. It was my first run with her. Although she's been to a few runs with the dad , this was the longest distance so far - 2.5km across the zoo.

Before the run, I prayed for a long while, for gd weather, for me to manage to see her in the chaotic sea of orange tees and most importantly for Joy to be able to truly enjoy herself. I remember when she went for her first 800 metres kids dash many yrs ago, she was upset that she was not in the top 3 finishers that she cried halfway through the race. I was worried if the episode would repeat, or if she would have another tantrum episode and thus spoil the whole fun of it. Her competitiveness to win sometimes torment her so much when the results r not what she expects.
Anyway I'm glad that it turned out well, both for her and for me. I've not run for a long time too and the last run I did was the 2.4km that we needed to do during our JC days. The time spend to chat with her during our walk/run and focusing only on her was gd.. and it wasn't as chaotic  as I thought it would be.

After the run, we continue to explore the zoo with the rest of the family. Everyone had a lot of fun and it was a very meaningful Sunday to just have fun and not think about work or preparing for the kids classes. . We all looked like  on Monday morning when we went back to school / work.

Grateful that we have this beautiful Sunday. .may we continue to make every weekend an eventful time bonding with the kids.. thank you God!

Cny eve

Mr choo send me this pic on new yr eve. . Yes while I was juggling dinner with the twins and loads of relatives, he was waiting at the A&E with joy at Mahkota medical centre, so that someone could look at her wound properly and treat it.

She had fell down during one of the rough plays with her sisters in the hotel room, knocked against the edge of the TV console, thereby smashing her spectacles lens, which pierced deep into her eye brow leaving it with an open wound and gushing blood. I was in shocked when I saw the scene. Joy crying out of pain and also bcoz her new spectacles are broken; Vera crying either becoz she sayang her chek chek, or out of fear that she might be scolded for the misadventure. That happened 1 hr before our reunion dinner. Uncle pig suggested going ahead with the gathering and coming back for treatment thereafter since there was a massive jam outside and we couldn't possible be able to attend 2 events and make it in time. I said no. Sometime in me tell me that it's not as simple and immediate attention shld b given. In the end, I took the twins to the gathering while he walked with joy to the medical centre.

In the end she had 2 stitches and glue on her wound. They had macdonalds for dinner and we all met together at ah ma house thereafter.

Despite the exciting episode, there was so many things to be grateful for. Eg If the lens had cut lower , into the eye, or elsewhere on other parts on her face, or if we had decided to wait and delay treatment, then the problem would be bigger than now. So thankful for the helpful hotel staff who helped disinfect Joy's wound immediately when it happened, and for the twins were quite cooperative during the dinner. Eventful cny eve but thankful to God for all things that has happened.

Happy Chinese new yr to all my family and friends ! May the coming year bring you health and time with yr loved ones !

On deaths

A friend's son passed away last weekend; while he was in his nap in his student care. When I first heard the news, I couldn't believe it. Even though I've never seen the boy before , but to hear of deaths of children is always heartbreaking. No amount of hows or whys can remove the pain or anguish. I haven't got to c my fren yet and by the time I learn of it, the funeral was over. I'm not sure how I should console her or should i act normally when I see her again. Deaths are a confirm destination to each and everyone of us. But when it happens abruptly or when it happens to kids, as a mother, its tormenting. And im sure tat all mummies would rather go in the child's place.  There's so many things that the child has yet to try.. and so many different kind of feelings that he would not get to experience.

Much as I don't understand why such things happen, I have to remind myself that God always know best for each and everyone of us and we have to TRUST in him.

Also another reminder to myself that life is so vulnerable, that you never know when it will happen, and when it does, do u have a chance to say goodbye?
Treasure the people around us and really live life like no tomorrow, coz we might not have another tomorrow. Stealing another glance at uncle pig and I realize that both of us have aged so much. Praying that we will be able to hold each other's hands for another 40 yrs.

Dear lord , I am not afraid if you call me home. I hope that when the time is here , I will know and I will have the chance to say goodbye to those that matters. Praying right now for the friend who has suffered the loss, that God you give her strength to carry on, carry her and her woes and may time heals.

Hfmd. .

Grace and vera got their 1st bout of hfmd juz a few days ago. The thought of hfmd itself was scary enough for me to say a few prayers every now and then. Anyway it really caught us unexpectedly coz joy had it when she was barely 2 yrs old. So when the twins were much younger I usually get very paranoid when I hear someone's kid has it. Was juz proudly telling another colleague of mine that the twins are coming to 4 yrs old and they have yet to get hfmd before. . Hahaha.. TA-DAN! AND it comes.. hahahaha

Thankfully it wasn't as bad as when joy had it. I remember during joy's time it got so bad that she didn't want to swallow anything, even her own saliva ! And of coz after she recovered, she spread it to me too.. lol.. the twins hfmd were a lot milder, with only a few spots at their throat..and that was that.. and I'm hoping that it ends at vera and not spread to anyone else.. and also becoz this week is my rest week so the hfmd came timely in the sense that we could spend extra time with the twins, juz playing and doing nothing. .Hehe. . I even managed to go on a cny shopping spree with joy this afternoon !

Praying that they recover soon and be well again!

Here's a few pics of us outdoors over the last weekend!

Sleepless night

The twins crept up to my bed at 330am and they kinda occupied the entire king size bed. Uncle pig is sleeping on the floor while I'm lying on the other end of the bed. I didn't manage to zz back unfortunately. Took the time to play some games , catch up on fb, did some quiet time and went back to my blog.

Saw the many past entries, some of our prayers for the family and friends.. some has come to past while some are still waiting for things to pan out. Re-reading the past entries it's like taking a time machine back to the past. . Where for many many things I've forgotten abt it.. or only agar Agar rem the gist of it.

It's amazing now tt the twins r coming to 4 yrs old, the same age when joy was ard when I was expecting.. yes, time juz fly past like tt.. how did we manage to do all these ? The frequent night feeds , the many tantrums , the sick episodes , and the many many challenges we went thru during this 4 yrs.. it's amazing coz God is with us.

Was just telling uncle pig this evening that our friend's daughter (15 yrs old ) is dating. .and how the friend is struggling to manage the r/s between her n the kid; and the BG r/s . I ask uncle pig how would we b able to cope when it's our turn, how would we react and how should we handle it ? The whole circumstances itself seems to b freaking me out too.. oops.. he, being him , says that when the time comes, we'll know how to do it. And God will be there to guide us, to nurture our kids. 😊

It's coming to 6am, almost 3 hrs since I was woken up by the girls. I rem that 4 yrs ago when I was still preg with them, I always have trouble sleeping back after my toilet visits. . Hehe.. how time flies.

Usually every Jan/Feb, my house will always smell like a hot oven with CNY goodies coz it's the time when uncle pig does some cny orders. This yr, he has decided not to take in any orders. (Sorry friends!) Coz it's really too tiring for him and time should b spend more wisely with the family. Time is the precious commodity here, more so than $. Not that we have a lot of $$, but bcoz recent episodes of health scare have made us more appreciative of time on earth. Nonetheless my house should still have his baking cny  creations. . Hahahaha.. Can't wait for him to start baking!

Going back to catch some sleep.. hopefully I can!