Fat Hippo

Went for a swim this morning.  Badly needed the extra dose of endorphins and an activity to burn some of the excessive calories.

this is how I feel of myself in recent days - big, clumsy and irritable. 

The nausea has gotten worse and mr Google says that it usually peaks on week 7-8 before coming down at week 10-12. But I've been feeling so extreme even at week 5-6. I've tried eating so many different kinds of foods / drinks and even "happy food" but none could help remove it. 🤣🤣🤣 Joy commented that I'm being a drama mama when I'm barely weeks into the course.. how was I to continue the rest of the journey? 🤷‍♀️ Seriously I have no idea... 

Then there were 2 mummies that I know, who vomited from the start til the end, and went on to have 3 kids each! 

I admire and respect them so much! I probably won't dare to have a 2nd one if the same applies to me. I'm praying that this too shall pass, FAST.  

The 2nd thing that I noticed abt this pregnancy is the tiredness. I guess it comes with age. I certainly felt it a lot more this time round, even worse compared to carrying the twins. If anything, the girls have been v understanding for my lack of participation at home, for which I'm thankful for. 

I'm trying to take charge of my own emotions - to not let it overwhelm me and wallow in depression. I told J that work has been a good distraction from all the emo emo.. instead of looking at everything in a gloomy mood, I shall remember that nothing else matters except that this is a gift from God. It doesn't matter that when #4 starts p1, the twins would b doing their O levels or the fact that we wouldn't b able to enrol #4 in the same school under phrase 1; or the fact that we need to re-buy all the baby essentials nearer the date.. it all doesn't matter. I just need to remember that God has given this precious gift and I should enjoy this special moment *even if it doesn't last* 

Looking forward to 22nd October when we would b doing the ultrasound scans. 

Bible verse

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced,

1 Chronicles 16:11‭-‬12 NIV

https://bible.com/bible/111/1ch.16.11-12.NIV

Thankful for this verse today when I start to doubt and fear of having a miscarriage. I guess its better to fill up my mind with appts then let it b empty and negative thoughts enter. 

Managed to fix abt 15 appts in the coming weeks. Hopefully i have the stamina to run thru all of them. I guess its better to have appts now considering that I would b out of action for a while next yr. 

Fresh start

After sleeping thru1 night n letting the news settle down, I'm finally at peace and ready to move forward. 

I'm pregnant. 

4.5weeks to be exact. Did I expect it? No, of coz not. Especially after being infertile for ~10yrs,  I certainly didn't see it coming. But the signs were there. The short burst of temper when the girls misbehave; me nitpicking on william or me irritated with my clients endless qn - I thought it was signs of PMS. I told the BFFs and we all concluded that my period must b coming. I waited and still it didn't come. 

I told my mama and she laughed at me. Coz it was only 4weeks since my last period, though I told her that I'm now on a 3 weeks cycle.  She says it could b early menopause and the system decided to go on leave..🤣

Nevertheless I decided to get the kit coz i have a drinking session the next day and I just wanted to drink safely. 

And there, my world paused. To be honest, the first thoughts were confusion and fear. I would b 40 next yr and william 50. I'm going to b a 高龄产妇. Yes there were days when I wanted a 4th child, but there were MORE days when we concluded that baby rearing days are over. 

The initial fears 😨 include:

- how would the girls react? Joy and Grace had explicitly rejected that idea several times

- is baby going to be healthy? If not, would we be prepared to continue?

- how is the pregnancy going to b like? How do i cope with working and the tiredness

- with the new addition, it also means changing house and car; and probably needing to buy so many baby things again. 

- we probably be the oldest parents at the PTC or school meetings.

- would i go back to the heavyweight i was ?😱

- why isn't william showing me any response. He was literally quiet and sorry after I broke the news to him. 

That was also when I cried buckets and buckets. I felt that no one loved me or my 小豆豆。J and JM comforted me and assured me. We all concluded that my emo came back in over drive mode..lol.. 

What a night. 

The next day, I cancelled my cupping sessions. Yes I had just kickstarted back again due to the lack of exercise working from home..

I thought i would b able to complete all my sessions finally and b in the 60s ! 😂

I guess God has other plans. N no matter what happens, He would stay on course with me and guide me at each baby step. 

I called my gynae and the nurse says that his usual practice is to arrange a blood test first and start on Duphaston. This is unusual for me bcoz I just wanted to see the baby! Like now..lol..went for the blood test that afternoon and my gynae called back on Saturday. 

The HCL levels were good, it corresponds with the number of weeks I'm pregnant. (4.5weeks) Bcoz its so early in the pregnancy, he suggest an appt 3 weeks later. And in the mean time, I shall continue with the D tablets and get some folic acid. 

Will take this one step at a time. Will treasure the days when 小豆豆 is still with me and we will overcome each obstacle as they come.. i know some people would find it patang to say it so early. But I know God will b with us in each and every step and may this b a diary for us to look back next time.

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

2 Peter 1:3 NIV

https://2peter.bible/2-peter-1-3

Day 1

Lord , you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done wonderful things, things planned long ago.

Isaiah 25:1 NIV

https://isaiah.bible/isaiah-25-1

Feeling emo and confused.. and saw this on my bible app..and its so apt.. 

God, I dunno how I will be able to go thru this journey but I will trust and have faith in You, and You will never give me something too big for u to carry. And will be with me always. 

The emo kid in me is raining buckets but I will be better tomorrow. Just need to let the thoughts sink in first. 

God, be with me and cover me thru this exciting times. I know my God is the Almighty and nothing is too big for him to handle. 

我太爱美了吗?

To do or not to do.. im uncertain. God can u give me a clear answer pls.. just like u always give me very clear and certain answers for my work. 

It sounds so vain and I'm uncertain. There's risks involved too. Perhaps i should list down the pros and cons before deciding. 

Pros: 

1) prettier 👀; doesn't look as sleepy ; assuming the op is successful 

2) doing it now has better recovery compared to when I'm older, plus now that everyone's WFH, by the time normal work commence, the healing and stuff would b natural 

Cons: 

1) what if an accident happens ? What if it isn't as pretty ? Do I really like my left eye over my right such that I wanna make them equal now ? 

2) if im doing the cutting method, recovery might take 3mths, probably up to 6mths and mayb years before it looks more natural. 

3) what if there's a scar ? 

If i were to proceed, which method then ? Stitching method or cutting method ? 

Stitching 

- faster recovery and looks more natural 

- a likelihood that the fold might disappear with age ; and doesn't solve the droppy eyes that comes with age next time 

- cost 2.8k

Cutting 

- longer recovery and longer time to look natural 

- permanent : which can b a good or bad thing bcox if the fold is not executed well then its permanent too. Vice versa.

- 3.4k

Update 25/9/20

I guess this is God's way of telling me not to do it. Just did the facial plus some new laser thing of my skin tag n pigmentation etc.. though my face was covered in numbing cream, the pain is still there. In fact it got so bad halfway thru that i wanted to ask the doc to simply stop.. but i cant.. coz ive paid and I didnt want to waste it. Lol.. walking to the train station, my face still sore or pain or numb..im not sure..lol..im simply thankful that we need to wear masks for now..hahaha.. so no one can see my hideous face.. lol..im guess im not touching my eyelids for now..hahaha

Daydreaming

A client text me yday to inform me that she would b made redundant from 30/11. I wasn't shocked bcoz her firm had a few retrenchment exercise even prior to covid. Both of us had factored that in our yrly reviews. But still, when the news came, it still came as a shock to us. 

We arranged a zoom this morning. My objective was to comfort her as well as alleviate any of her fears about financial difficulties etc. Her family was worried for her. After all, she is the sole breadwinner, with her #1 in uni and #2 in poly. She is also a cancer survivor, having to still do the regular check ups etc. 

I did the professional part. Finances wise, her funds would be able to tide her for 2 yrs even if she has zero income. And even after 2 yrs, there are some plans that we have, which can b liquidated if she remains unemployed. Thats the worse case scenario. If she can't find any job - zero income. 

I went on to other aspects. Since this is a fresh start, then why not explore other areas of work? Why not explore a job that she is passionate abt, even if the pay might b a fraction of what she is drawing now. We went thru a few sectors etc. She is v optimistic and on the move. After hearing the news yday, she had already send out news to the recruiters and some of her work contacts as well as her GP coz she might wanna explore going into healthcare. I told her that she should consider being a healthcare ambassador coz her heart is brimming with kindness and compassion to the elderly and sick. I really hope she gets a job that she enjoys, n can look forward to. 

She asked what would I do, if i wasn't a financial adviser, which sets me thinking too. After all, I havent found something that I'm as passionate abt as what I'm doing now. So I decided to take the afternoon to think abt the things that I would want to do. 

1) study law 

- when I was little, I aspired to b a lawyer. But as the years go by, with cmi grades, I scrapped that dream even before I enter JC. Perhaps i could do a full time degree in law, even if no one will hire me as a lawyer..hahah.. 

2) be a counsellor 

- I told J that i had wanted to b a counsellor in the early yrs of my career, bcoz I was always enjoying the chit chat / counselling sessions I had when my friends had problems that they couldn't solve. But J says that bcoz Im a high S person, I probably end up feeling so much abt the people's challenging situations that I will end up lending them monies if that could solve their immediate problems 😅

3) Do other sales? 🤷‍♀️

- mayb I can go sell the cupping packages if I'm really retrenched..hahaha.. coz i probably referred more people there than them getting insurance from me..hahaha 

Its nice to dream once in a while..writing these down so that when I decided not to do what I'm doing now, I can re-visit this again. Hahaha.. i really am excited with 1). Perhaps i could use myskills future credits to pay for some modules and see how it goes.. hahaha

Having a cuppa by myself while joy is off to the dentist doing her adjustments. Once a mth, we will spend our time at Starbucks; catching up on her interesting school life and little gossips.. its so comfortable to be around her..hahah.. she can b a friend or a sister..and i definitely didn't need to "mother" her around or care for her like little children. I'm enjoying my tween before she develops to a teenager or morphs to a rebel (praying that God gives me enough wisdom when that happens) .

Its tough being a tween, when I peeks into her instagram account. I know she struggles with her friendships and she can b too blunt or rude. But this is a stage of growing up I guess.. that one needs to find a balancing point on her own. At times I find it a pity that she no longer keep in touch with any of her pri sch classmates but this topic is sensitive and I will wait for her to b ready to tell me. I know she is struggling but she wants to handle it on her own. So patiently, I will trust to let go.

There's so many updates that I wanna do since my last entry but haven't gotten the time to do it.

Like how the shopaholics celebrated my bday and sweet Ange even baked a pretty and delicious lychee chiffon cake for me! 

Or how I've finally completed this..

It took me longer than I expected but its by far my largest project. I know I almost cried while doing Big bird coz i had miscalculated along the way, and it was deciding between unstitching and redoing or just bulldozer all the way. And I had to do a mix of both eventually...i probably go back and design the sesame Street lamp post..when I'm done with the urgent Aug stitching projects. 

the back of it which I'm super proud of..lol..

Work wise, it has been so crazy since I've picked up zoom.. the hectic schedule got so bad that I told J that I will do a slow aug for now.. i was tired and completely drained out bcoz zoom has become so convenient that I literally have zoom everyday; be it weekdays or public holidays. I'm thankful for the high production but I also would appreciate a small break. I need to pause, smell the flowers and enjoy my kids a little. I wanna be there for them; not just be in their presence but be around them as well.. 

Health wise, I have 2 sick people at home at this very moment.  Grace got rejected in school today for having a fever n was given 5days mandatory MC by our fav PD. Grounded again. William has cataract.. we got it diagnosed yday and that explains his sub par vision and tiredness after driving. The scheduled op would b on 19th Aug.. we would have preferred to do it during the September hols but his eyesight seems to deteriorate badly with each passing day that we called the clinic to push forward the op. I know cataract isn't any major op, but with him, it is a HUGE matter for me. Simply bcoz he has a long list of pre existing conditions and he holds the fort at home. (I've already had 2 sleepless nights), and that's also why i decided to do slow aug.. i want to be around for him and the girls. 

On social media 

I deactivated my FB (again). Today is the 10th day! Yeah! It felt longer than it actually was. The pros of it is ive freed up more time bcoz of this; the cons is i would b missing on media updates la..but close friends will still keep me in the loop la..hahha.. not sure how long the fast would last..but we will take it as each day passes..

Thankful for the blessings God has showered upon our household and his protection upon us as well..