40 and pregnant

 A client texted me this morning to tell me that she probably wanna wait out on the plans I’ve recommended.. becoz she just found out she was pregnant 😱

I replied telling her it’s fine, and ask her when’s the EDD. I told her I’m delivering in a mth’s time and I think that was the best news for her this week.. hahaha 

Coz both of us are in the same stage .. we got married in the same year, had our firstborn a year after. She went on to have another boy while I had my twins. And just as we thought we were done with babies, God had other plans. I encouraged her and told her I understood her fears. Coz it was exactly what I had felt during T1! As much as we understand this is God’s gift, we are human and we have our one thousand and one fears etc, and certainly the nausea/emo/fatigue isn’t helping much. 

Oh well, I’m glad I managed to encourage someone this morning and she to me too. 

I’m currently 1 mth away from my c sec date.. it’s really happening soon! Lol... right now it still feels like a dream .. I would think that we are not v prepared yet coz the cot is only here on fri, and mr choo hasn’t started washing all the baby things or packed the maternity bag.. lol.. the maternity bag is sketchy in my brain actually.. I don’t rem packing anything inside during the last 2 pregnancies, besides bringing my breast pump over which I also didn’t use. Oh well , but he says everything is in control and I shall just believe that la.. also no point fretting .. 

I just wished I could zzz more at night .. nowadays it’s like I can only zzz in the day time but I’m wide awake at night.. william says god is preparing me for what’s coming ahead.. I don’t know how we going to manage but we will get there when it’s here. 

Be Positive!

In all things, there’s at least 2 ways we can view things.. look at it negatively and be sour/ bitter over it, or just look at it positively and laugh it off how different/ difficult the comments / situation is.. 

I’m trying to be the Mario in this pic, and trying to visualise all the mushrooms 🍄 will turn into pretty flowers 🌸  after I step on them. Lol.. 

I don’t know what gave me the courage to do a public announcement of our pregnancy.. I just wanted to praise and thank God for giving us this special blessing and how He has protected me all these while, even though the pregnancy hasn’t been a walk in the park. Friends close to me know how emo it has changed me but despite it all, I’ve managed to survive till now, for which I’m thankful. Like seriously, it has to be because of God who has provided for the little bundle of joy, and protected me from self harm that I manage to tahan until now ah... otherwise no one knows what could have happened.

But I guess I didn’t expect the overwhelming responses.. some on fb n some over WhatsApp... some very nice, some blunt.. 🙄🙄🙄 . I was tempted to paste it here but I decided not to bcoz I’m just going to delete it and move on with my happy life.. 

Yes I shall look at my pretty flowers and say my blessings. I really love flowers.. it’s so therapeutic and calming to the mind. 

Thankful that I zzz at 10pm yday, so we could all go for dim sum this morning.. thankful that I manage to still bring the twins down for our Sunday swim 🏊‍♀️, to spend some time with time and at the same time clock some exercises.. hahahaha

After our swim, they manage to clear some of their hw while I also did some work.. they like it when mama is working alongside with them.. 

And now sleeping beauty is sound asleep.. I shall go zzz too before my extended kampung come over for dinner.. 

Be positive, @queenlena!! What doesn’t kill you will make u stronger. And time should b allocated to people who matters. 

Happy weekend! Happy me, happy life.

Mama Duties

Day 0 (Sunday)

The man went for his cruise. The twins and I dropped him off at the guardhouse before we took the bus to Nex. Thought I bring them out for a nice lunch and library before coming back home. 

Also wanted to spend some alone time with both of them since I was free on Sunday. We headed to library first since it was still early. 

Vera reading her scientist magazine while waiting for Grace to be done with her books. 

I was exhausted just by library itself.. lol.. not that there was any tantrums etc. In fact, the whole trip has been fantastic. The twins were super sweet, and Vera always make sure she holds my hand, as I was walking v slowly. 

Our lunch at sweet tomato.. they chose the place bcoz it didn’t had any q. The other places needed to wait and their legs were exhausted from the walk. 

After lunch, we went to get some snacks and BBT before making our way home.

I felt so loved by them that I took this pic to remind myself that they are no longer tiny kiddos but have grown up to be caring, loving siblings..

Came home and they did some homework and that’s also the time when Vera started to have an itchy nose. Fed her some flu meds (just in case) 

I took a nap before going for a swim with grace . Part of my exercise regime, and also grace goal to reduce her weight also la.. haha.. she did 12 laps while I did my usual 20. It was nice to spend some one to one time alone with her, to catch up on her life etc. As we were heading back, I overestimated myself and tried to lift myself up from the pool and scratched my hand and pulled my muscle as well. Grace “piggy back” me in the pool to the ladder so that I could use it to come ashore safely.. lol.. got a scolding from her and the papa when he learnt of it. 

By night time, the itchy nose had developed into a low fever. So instead of the original plan of “clamping” in their room for the night, the twins had to zz in my room so that I could monitor her temp. 

Told the dad that she hardly fall sick.. so she must have missed her daddy so much🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️.. praying that the fever wouldn’t shoot too high late at night and that I could still push her to sch tomorrow morning.. 

And grace broke her new glasses ..haiz.. as if my Monday isn’t going to be busy enough..  taped it temporarily and left a msg at the optician to see when we could settle it. 

Day 1 : Monday 

The night went well.. fever didn’t come back though I was boxed by Vera several times. I was tempted to wake her up in the morning and shoo her to sch but grace says that nowadays even if it’s slight flu , the sch will send the kid home.. oh well.. guess I’ll just bring her to the PD and let her zzz in a bit.. dropped grace in school and told her to walk home on her own in case we are late..

In the cab on the way to PD.. I was tempted to drive but decided not to.. hahaha.. the tiny parking plus the huge car.. later the repair works is going to be more expensive than the cab fare..hahahaha 

And (drum roll) ..... 5 days MC..😭😭😭 bcoz Covid, so long as it’s respiratory issues, min 5days unless we do a swab. Vera was so happy, crying out for joy lo.. I’m crying also .. crying that God faster save me from this.. could it be that she picked up the bug at Nex yday? Praying silently that Grace doesn’t kena also.. I can barely handle one.. plus I have like 2 work zooms today.. and a few other appts the next few days with a sick kid at home .. 

Waiting for her expensive watermelon juice which she paid using her own monies.. her and her watermelon juice 

Came home and fed her meds.. of the 3, this is the kid that is most challenging staying at home.. coz she doesn’t enjoy reading, or have the motivation to study / revise etc ..

By mid day, I was exhausted 😴 and can’t wait for grace to come home to take over my shift. So thankful that at least I don’t need to worry abt meals. William had alrdy pre-instructed the helper what to cook on each day etc.. 

130pm : grace came back and she announced that Vera has a lot of homework !! 🥳🥳🥳 I’m so delighted .. hahahah.. coz I really need her to have some distractions so that I could start on my work or even take a nap .. grace saw my exhausted face and we did a shift change high 5.. thank God for grace .. 

By evening, after dinner and my zooms, I was exhausted.. exhausted bcoz Vera had tried to push all boundaries and all my buttons etc ..how am I going to survive the next 2 days !?? Only God knows .. and praying that God give me wisdom and patience to tahan it all.. told william that I’m not sure if he would still have 3 daughters by the time he comes back. I probably start skinning them alive tomorrow.. argh.. 

The guilt came in when I told J that I loved Vera most when she’s sound asleep next to me. Even hearing her snores is therapeutic..

Today wasn’t the most lousy day I had as a mom but it wasn’t great.. hopefully tomorrow will b better .. 

Mayb I should go swim after I drop grace tomorrow.. I probably need the extra endorphins more than anyone else now.. 

Week 31

Just finished watching Titanic on Disney+.. bad idea, considering that the man is going cruise on Sunday with his mom. 

I’ve been trying to control my emotions, seriously. But tonight it probably hit me (hard) that he’s really going to be away in less than 48hrs.. the firstborn commented that how I’m going to cope for the next few days with me + the twins all by myself ... (she will be staying over at my moms place) I’m not sure how, but I guess it’s good time bonding with the twins before baby comes. I do have a few appts coming week, but I guess I’ll be able to manage it. After all, uncle would b back by wed noon.. 

I would be at week 31 tomorrow, 6 more weeks to full term. Hoping that we could push the baking to a little bit further if possible. The nearer to school hols, the less complicated the logistics would be. Time seems to fly past so fast to be honest. I do feel much hotter now. Thankfully, my feet are still mine, swelling hasn’t come in fully yet. I still have a belly button, I thought it would popped if I’m expecting a boy, but it didn’t leh.. hahaha.. guess I’m one of those that wouldn’t know how it feels. I definitely feel a lot of his kicks nowadays, and I’m thankful for that. 

Went to touch up my hair recently to pamper myself before I can no longer move. 

Trying to do some work here and there as well as wrap up whatever urgent / outstanding stuff on my hands. As much as I had wanted to rest for the year, I’m reminded by my wonderful friends that I shouldn’t. Not becoz I can’t afford, but becoz work gives me sanity. I couldn’t agree more. And so it shall be. I’ll work bits here and there, do a little bit of mentoring (when needed) and trust that God will be with me in this exciting journey. 

I’m thankful that I have this life inside of me now. In my wildest dream, I wouldn’t think it’s possible. Even now, there are days when I ask myself, if I’m really pregnant? Or am I in a dream? But since this is a gift from God, I will abide in His will and enjoy this journey. It’s nice to b able to just bake, and not worry abt anything. And I should enjoy this moment. 😊

 “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/eph.2.10.niv

Such a timely reminder.. last night, I freaked out, upon realisation that uncle would b 60 by the time baby J is 10. Call it slow, but I didn’t realize that we would spend all our working yrs on kids rearing.. I know I prayed for #4, becoz I probably felt more “free” in the last 2 yrs now that the girls are easier.. but uncle said that he had planned for a helper to come, so that we could spend time traveling the world like I always wanted since our youngest are 9.. but I felt that he was getting more involved with his CCAs more .. u know what I mean ? 

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking abt.. and the fears crept in, with me blaming myself for wanting another kid when I can’t even take care of myself.. haiz..fears of the post natal depression and me screaming at the girls etc.. all  flooded my complicated mind..hormones hormones hormones.. I hate it..

And so this verse is so timely. I remember telling myself that God is the pilot of my plane, and He is my safety belt, as we go thru the valleys and mountains of my path... it’s assuring to know and be comforted that I only need to surrender completely to Him and enjoy the ride that He has planned.. 

Week 28

Finally it’s week 28, the start of the 3rd trimester. Everything seems so fast yet so slow at the same time! I can’t wait to deliver, to be honest but my friends have reminded me that it would mean the start of many sleepless nights, crazy logistics and breastfeeding woes. “I must have forgotten that phrase of life” they say, which I don’t deny. Everything seems hazy and gone in a blur. Or maybe I’m an optimistic at this moment. It can’t be that bad, managing 1 newborn, 2 sweet twins plus 1 turbulent teen?? I’m not sure, but God is with us, til the ends of our time. 

It’s exciting, and I’m counting down to the last 9-11 weeks. We’ve gotten most of the items (I think) and besides the food items plus washing of bb clothes, I think we are there. 

Probably I’ll list down some of the symptoms I’m going thru now..

1) contractions 

- this is the first pregnancy that I’ve experienced (false) contractions or Braxton Hicks. It’s kinda interesting to feel something different despite being my 3rd pregnancy.

2) movement 

- baby J has started to kick, sometimes quite intensely. I’m trying to see if I could record a video of it bcoz sometimes I felt that I could almost feel my tummy do a double bounce! Hahaha

3) physical 

- my legs have started to swell just a little, which I’m thankful for bcoz I rem the last 2 pregnancies, the feet always swell so much by now that nothing would b able to make me more comfortable.

- I’ve started to feel a bit of pelvic pain since last week, which probably comes with the weight gain etc. I’m alrdy thankful that I’m only feeling the pain (now) bcoz I rem with the twins I was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk/sleep pretty early in the pregnancy term. 

- my current weight is 85.3kg. I’ve gain a total of 12kg.. probably reach 17-20 by the end of the term. I took so long to hit the 70s but it’s so easy to gain back.. not sure if I would even be able to lose that eventually. We shall see. 

- physically I do feel more tired. I’m trying to finish all my work outstanding now and not fix any crazy schedule by end of mar. That’s what I always say but i always end up having 3-4 appts a day recently .. hahaha.. thankful that william has been super supportive and driving me to the Appts. 

4) Appetite

- I’m still crazy into carbs and atas bread.. lol.. been eating a lot of sourdough lately.. baby is clearly papa’s taste buds. I’m just praying that when baby leaves me, he brings his taste buds along with him ! I miss my clean eating .. hahahah.. 

5) Ligation?

- william and I went thru this discussion recently. R we really done with kids? I guess so. Have told the gynae to do it together with the c sec. but on the other hand, making it irreversible always make me fearful. But yes, I guess we are done. I’m afraid I chickened out of this and risk having #5!! Hahahah.. I’m a confused woman not knowing what I want.. hahaha

That’s all for now I guess. Thankful for this gift from God. It wouldn’t have been possible without Him. This is a miracle baby from Him. And I need to remember that’s all that matters.

Going for our baby moon next week.. haha..just a short staycation for both of us while the girls are at grandma’s. Looking forward!

My favourite bible verses

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:2-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/jas.1.2-4.niv

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:26-27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/mat.6.26-27.niv

These are my 2 most favourite bible verses and every time I’m out of options, I’ll go back to them and pray that God is with me, as He continues to mould me into a better person. 

Have been feeling emo emo recently and a friend reminded me that God will never give me more than I could handle. How true that is. How beautiful it is, to be reminded by angel-liked friends! 

Just gotten reminded to completely surrender to God, and that no extra ounce of fear would be able to change/help in any situation. 

Joy is going thru a phrase now, similar to what my sister went thru when I was expecting Joy. Looking at Joy now, reminds me of how Sharon didn’t want to be a part of the pregnancy journey at all. She refused to carry Joy at birth and even when she became a toddler. As time passes, there were times when Joy asked me if her aunt hated her. Coz even the toddler her then, could sense it. I couldn’t understand and didn’t have the courage / wisdom to broach the topic. And now, I see history repeating itself again. Coincidentally both of them have the same dob and the same age gap. 

It got quite into me seeing Joy's indifferent attitude, that it was eating me alive. I wanted to confront her, yet I know that would only make things worse. I want to give her time and space to move forward, but would we eventually see light at the tunnel? What if, no amt of time and space would make her move forward? What is going thru her mind? Why is it that she can be so warm and enthuastic talking about her church/school life in one moment, and change to cold/indifferent immediately, when we asked if she would wanna come for the gynae check up? Would the twins become like that too when Baby J is finally here? 

Those questions bothered me for a few days, but I decided that enough was enough. I took a deep breath, and was reminded that our God is here, and He will never give me a task too big for me. I just need to focus my attention on Him, and everything will fall in place. Rather than be negatively affected by the teenager's attitude, I will believe that God will soften her heart in His perfect timing, and that each challenge is a lesson for us to learn something.