What is my superpower?

Every time I come out of my management meetings, I always feel so small. Small bcoz I felt that there’s nothing I could bring to the table, small bcoz the amt of knowledge I have is so little that I don’t even know what I don’t know. And it irks me, to feel like I’m not contributing. Even when there were calls for leaders to step up to steer some projects etc, I don’t even dare to volunteer coz I just don’t feel that I’m competent. 

Fear is eating me alive. And moments like this, I wondered if I’m in this room with all these people, just because I happened to know the boss very well. Is that the only reason why I’m there? 

This led me to think, what are my superpowers? I don’t need to be them, coz just like Avengers , there isn’t a need to have 20 Spider-Man or 15 Iron man etc…But I need to know what my strengths are, so that I can better value add to the team! 

And God softly whispered into my ears last night: 

“You can do training.” 

🤣🤣🤣

Me

So blessed by the message today. God has my back, and His arms ever ready to help me if I fall. Such assurance and such a relief, to know that He is always there for us. 

Having a bit of issues with some annoying person (not work related), and I feel that she should deliver what she promise on her end, but she has gone radio silence 😫😫😫 Situation like this, I struggled. Struggle to make sense of it, struggle to be the bigger person and WAIT. 道理在我这，可是我又能如何。Just reminding myself that God is in control. He is watching me and over me. Lol.. (there’s a difference in the meanings if you understand what I mean.. hahaha). It irks me when I’m not in control. And I’m not a patient person. But I guess this is a chance for me to learn. 

Sep seems like a short mth for me coz there’s the 1 week sch holidays then I’m flying off to Athens last week of sept. There’s 101 things to do but time isn’t on my side. Hahaha.. Praying that I stay focus as I meet the challenges ahead! 

AHA moments

Following our recent trip to Mandai, it suddenly dawn on me that none of my kids enjoy any of the Mandai attractions. They simply go bcoz the twins didn’t know there is an opt out option while Joash is too young to decide otherwise. It’s just me, who wants to bring everyone there, because I was guilt tripping myself, for not doing enough. And in the midst of it, I tried to do these over stimulating excursions which not only exhuast myself bcoz of the heat and crowd, but also bcoz of their constant bickering in the car; at the attraction and the whole entire day. 

I asked the twins separately, if they could choose 1 activity to do for the weekend:

1) Mandai

2) kidztopia 

3) swim

And neither of them chose 1). Lol.. They say the truth will set you free. And it did. This realisation made me realize that there isn’t a need for me to prove to anyone or do anything, just so that I provide enough for my kids. No need. I love them and I shower them with hugs and love. We can have lotsa yummy food, chit chat and cafe hoppings. 

The other AHA moment happened when it suddenly dawn on me that instead of feeling bad for my kids having to share their love and time and toys with their siblings in almost everything, (yes in case, u are wondering. Many a times I feel so guilty that I have 4 kids and they have to learn to share love, time and limited resources) Yes, I realize that I shouldn’t be guilty! Coz living in a big family, comes with its own learning academy which isn’t always taught in sch or in smaller families. They learn how to divide satay sticks before we start eating so that everyone gets an equal share. And even if the number is not divisible, then who should get an extra share. They learn how to help the younger siblings to wear shoes or play with him while the parents get ready. It’s called RESPONSIBILITY and they learn it everyday at home. Be it when there are 4 kids or fewer kids at home. And these are life skills that will carry on with them even when both William and I aren’t around. 

Penning this down so that whenever i feel like an emotional wreck, I can refer to this 

In the car when Joash tried to fortune tell his cheh cheh .. hahaha

送人玫瑰手有余香

送人玫瑰手有余香 - learnt this phrase from my tween today. 

What it means is a gift to others, also has a positive ripple effect on the sender. I love the meaning behind it. Thought I’ll pen it down, so that I’ll be able to remember it. 

I guess it’s the same stage I’m at now too. Mentoring my current team, I thought it meant pouring a lot of time and effort. But it’s not just one directional. The love I received back, knowledge (bcoz in order to teach, I had to learn in depth some of the plans I otherwise wouldn’t have bothered), and expansion of my heart, makes me filled with joy. I’m thankful for the opportunity to give back, thankful for their patience and accepting me as their leader, thankful for everything. 

Penning this down so that whenever I feel like giving up, I can come back to this again. I’m sure there will be such times, no doubt abt that. I just pray that when that time comes, I’ll have enough bullets to remind myself why I did this in the first place. Why I chose to do this, not for money or fame, but to give back to the community which taught me everything, to pass it forward. 

Anxiety attacks

The fact that I can write abt this means that I’ve walked out of the deep hole I was in, just 10+ days ago. 

I’ve been exercising quite actively, at least 4-5 times a week. I like how it keeps me refreshed for work, how I don’t need to go back for a little snooze if I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning. 

Went for a swim today coz my body was still aching from the last 2 days of gym. I like swimming coz it allows me to think through my thoughts; have a conversation with God, and wouldn’t be distracted by other things. 

Anyway, fell into a deep dark hole just recently. Suddenly had an anxiety attack and started to doubt if I was competent enough to do the tasks ahead. What if God didn’t wan me to do what I was doing? What if God made a mistake? Or what if I had heard Him wrongly? Maybe He wanted me to just focus more time on advisory or kids rearing? Or what if everyone thought that “Lena Soon” will xxxxx, but turn out it’s just fluke? And suddenly, all the anxieties and fears weigh so heavily on my shoulders that I felt trapped. Fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations; fear of not having the wisdom of motivating/ encouraging my babies to their fullest potential; fear of disappointing those who place their “bets” on me. What if I had done my possible best and it still wasn’t enough? 

I don’t have the perfect solution to all my anxieties. Journaling and preparing for the trainings help, so does writing to God and praying to Him. Just last Saturday, our church pastor was sharing on the book of James and he talked abt my fav verse. 

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

‭‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬-‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This too shall pass God. I hope when I come back to read this, I’ll be mature and complete and not lacking anything. 

Math day

One of the primary reasons why I decided to take up the mgmt role was to bridge the gap between the decisions made by the top mgmt to the masses. A lot of times, decisions were made for their best intentions, but it’s not always communicated. People stopped asking bcoz they wasn’t sure who to ask or if they would be scolded etc. Or even if they finally muster the courage to, the results aren’t always desirable. 

Oh well, I’m glad to be the bridge - the mouthpiece to explain the thought process and hopefully by doing so, helps remove any misunderstandings / unhappiness along the way. 

Explain the math behind it when one of my babies asked abt the new remuneration this afternoon. I just knew that it was better but I didn’t dive deep into it until today. Glad that I manage to clarify her doubts. 

Went on to have dinner outside w Joy. She’s been feeling v stressed now that prelims and O levels are in full throttle. And she is studying so hard over it (despite alrdy securing a seat in one of the schools). I think she is still secretly aiming for a perfect score. 🤦‍♀️Glad that we managed to spend an hr tog, without any distractions. 

Went on to bring grace for her TKD class before I did one on one math with Vera. By the end of it, I was feeling math-nausea. We eventually decided to set aside every Fri afternoon to go thru it coz afternoons are better since Joash wouldn’t b around and we could at least do it at home if I was sick and tired of getting a frappe just so that we could study there. 

And so is my eventful Thursday. Tomorrow is a crazy day for me at work, but at least I don’t need work on this Saturday! Yeah! 

Thankfulness

6 days since we shifted. I’m thankful that most things have been sorted out. Too much clutter from all of us. 

Note to self: Don’t buy unnecessarily. It occupies space and cost $$. And $$ takes time away from the kids. Spend less and I don’t need to work as hard (if I don’t wan to) or spend time with them in doing activities (so there will b beautiful memories created instead of physical clutter).

Thankful for William who manages the whole reno + shifting + clearing the old house. Wouldn’t have been possible without him. He’s the reason why I can work with a peace of mind.

Dining table arrived yesterday! Yeah!

Thankful that God is in control of everything. I never thought it would be possible to have it all - work that I enjoy, kids + a wonderful relationship with my soulmate. Never thought we could afford this beautiful house. Thank you God!

Today’s also Joy birthday. The day we got promoted as parents 16yrs ago. The feeling is never quite the same being parents for the first time vs being parents the nth time. Whenever people ask me which is more challenging, I always say it’s always the first time that’s most challenging, even though I am blessed with an easy child.

The reason is simple. During my time, parenting tips weren’t so readily available. And a lot of things we kinda learn on the job or tried 101 pattern before we finally got it right. There were also a lot of failed experiences - like mixing meds into her milk feeds and causing a milk strike thereafter; or forgetting to wipe/clean her hands before giving her snacks and thus resulting in her getting her first and only HFMD experience.

But in the midst of it all, I am ever so grateful of all the beautiful memories created, alongside with my co-pilot. We cry together, had our differences, and showered ❤️ with each other. 

Thank you God for blessing me with it all. 

She has grown to be a fine lady, ever so independent and reliable.