The fact that I can write abt this means that I’ve walked out of the deep hole I was in, just 10+ days ago.
I’ve been exercising quite actively, at least 4-5 times a week. I like how it keeps me refreshed for work, how I don’t need to go back for a little snooze if I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning.
Went for a swim today coz my body was still aching from the last 2 days of gym. I like swimming coz it allows me to think through my thoughts; have a conversation with God, and wouldn’t be distracted by other things.
Anyway, fell into a deep dark hole just recently. Suddenly had an anxiety attack and started to doubt if I was competent enough to do the tasks ahead. What if God didn’t wan me to do what I was doing? What if God made a mistake? Or what if I had heard Him wrongly? Maybe He wanted me to just focus more time on advisory or kids rearing? Or what if everyone thought that “Lena Soon” will xxxxx, but turn out it’s just fluke? And suddenly, all the anxieties and fears weigh so heavily on my shoulders that I felt trapped. Fear of not living up to everyone’s expectations; fear of not having the wisdom of motivating/ encouraging my babies to their fullest potential; fear of disappointing those who place their “bets” on me. What if I had done my possible best and it still wasn’t enough?
I don’t have the perfect solution to all my anxieties. Journaling and preparing for the trainings help, so does writing to God and praying to Him. Just last Saturday, our church pastor was sharing on the book of James and he talked abt my fav verse.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4 NIV
This too shall pass God. I hope when I come back to read this, I’ll be mature and complete and not lacking anything.
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