Highly irritable

Snapped at uncle pig several times this morning. We all knew what’s going on. His coming trip is subconsciously causing my irritable behaviour. I manage to catch it but as much as I try, I still end up handling a few blows to him. 

Work has been hectic. Honestly I don’t know how I’m going to manage the household without him. Trying to work “light” for the coming week so that I could catch up on my sleep if the night duties become horrible.

Joash has been sleeping really badly this couple of weeks. There were nights where he would wake up at 4am and that’s it. Not sleeping anymore. Both of us either wake up trying 101 ways to coax him back to zzz; or if that fails then one of us would jaga him til daylight while the other zz. But honestly, I don’t know how many nights we could continue doing this. 

I wished I could be the supportive wife and hold the fort confidently while he travels in peace. Clearly, this isn’t my strength. And by having this peace abt it, I’m thankful by how much I’ve grown to accept that we all have our own strengths and flaws. This is clearly not my strength but so be it.

“But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/psa.3.3.NIV

Exciting Times

Enjoying my cup of comfort while waiting for the twins to arrive. We are going to watch Mario later - as an early bday treat. 

It’s been a while since we got back from Istanbul. The trip was nice but exhuasting. Joash kept crying on the flight back and I know William was at wits end by the end of it. Two days after the flight Joash had high fever and flu. Thankfully it wasn’t influenza or the more scary diseases but it was still mad exhaustion. We concluded by then, that we probably don’t wanna do another long haul trip with Joash in the near future. Either I fly alone or I bring my mom. Else I just don’t go. Haven’t quite decide what I want to do with my Athens trip. 

Had brunch with old friends this morning. Even though we hardly met, it’s like never ending topics to chat about. 

Old friends are precious bcoz they were found when things wasn’t complicated. When we were young and struggling. Hahaha.. no agenda, no complications and a single look says everything that’s needed. 一起哭过、一起笑着的朋友。 Friends who I can 掏心掏肺 without judgment or fear of affecting their emotional state. 

Going thru some major changes in my work. Exciting challenges ahead. Praying for God’s wisdom and strength thru this new phrase. 

“But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”

‭‭2 Thessalonians‬ ‭3‬:‭3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/2th.3.3.NIV

In the air

1.5hrs before we finally land in Istanbul. I think it’s most likely that we are going to miss the connections. 

Nonetheless I’m thankful that this flight went passed pretty smoothly. Joash behaved a lot better on this long haul, thank God! 

For someone who doesn’t really enjoy traveling, I certainly have a lot of trips coming up. Pre Covid, my goals have been to always bring my loved ones on the trips that I qualify. That’s why I brought Dowager to Iceland in Feb and the two men for Istanbul. 

Istanbul and the hot air balloon are something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Missed out on a trip to Istanbul when I was studying in the Netherlands and when the chance came up again this yr, I just wanted to come visit this place rich of Islamic + European culture. 

Praying for journey mercy for the rest of the journey. Not sure how our luggages and flights would end up to be, but God is in control. Taking my time to enjoy the peace and serenity of this trip. It’s only that many years where Joash can still travel with us without skipping MOE curriculum. 

Not sure why breakfast is served at this timing when it’s 3pm Turkish timing and 8pm sg timing. But since boy is eating well, so be it.

I’m thankful that the job allows me to bring my family along for the trips. That I don’t need to plan much for the trips and we are always well taken care of.

Update: and we did missed our connecting flight. We made a run for it upon landing but The terminal was too big. We tried our best but by the time we reached the gate, the gate was for another flight. Had to walk all the way back to the transfer desk to repurchase our plane tickets. 

Went to Burger King for our dinner before going to the gates for boarding. 

I guess sometimes things don’t happen the way we want all the time. It’s how we react to such situations that make it an enriching journey. I’m thankful that I’m together with these two men. 

Waiting for the plane to start it’s magic. Last min booking means sitting all the way back and window seats. But it’s okie. I’m w my most favourite men. I screwed up and they continued this with me. I’m thankful. 

Night before flight

The night before flight and my anxiety levels hit the roof. Going to take a long flight to Istanbul with the 2 men followed by a domestic flight to Cappadocia with a very tight interval - less than 90 mins separating the two flights. And if we miss that flight, we will miss the pre arranged cab to the hotel. 

Praying that God gives us favour tomorrow; that He will make things right for us on the trip. That even if we really miss everything, the most we just stay 1 night in Istanbul and be late for the convention. Yes, worst case scenario. That didn’t seem so bad, if we put all things into perspective. What’s impt is to enjoy the trip; enjoy the fellowship and companionship ya.. 

trying not to let another morbid thought enter my tiny brain. But this always happens whenever we didn’t travel as a whole family. What if the plane crash? What if blah blah blah.. tuck my girls to bed this evening coz I was so guilty if the plane crash. Call me silly but today is one of those days where I regretted saying yes to this trip. Even though Istanbul and hot air balloon are one of the things that I really hope to tick on my list. 

Praying that we all survive the long flight. That we survive the connections. Tom wouldn’t be as bad as how I planned for the UK flights, but the connection Tom is tight. Praying for God’s safe covering on this trip. 

Hvnt felt so sick in a long while. This felt worse than Covid, to be honest. Had the flu/cough/fever combo since Mon night. It got so bad that we cancelled our JB getaway on tuesday. I felt so bad about it coz we had alrdy planned to do some stuff in JB but oh well.. 

Went to see the doctor and given a lot of meds. Vomited twice and I was afraid it was stomach flu but thankfully it wasn’t. Just bad reflux and didn’t eat enough before I had meds. 

This morning, William asked if I wanted to eat anything special for bf. He suggested soon kueh which I thought was nice, but I told him that we should finish the bread/ham in the fridge. And asked him to just come back after dropping Joash. It’s so hard to take care of me when I’m sick. Oops! Truth is, I wanted him to come back home asap so that we could eat bf before I take my meds. I was 39.8 and all I wanted was some food so that I can have my meds to do it’s works. 

And he made this, coz luncheon meat is comfort. Hahaha.. had my bf and my meds. Took a shower and he dried my hair.. took a nap and feeling so much better. The temp is 38.5 and he went to get soon kueh coz he knew I wanted that.. hahaha.. 

很幸福; 很感恩. I know I’m not speaking much sense now coz I still got a lot of drugs in my body but I’m thankful for him. For really tolerating my nonsense la; for taking care of me 24/7. 

Me

Went for my first focus group today. Really felt v rewarding to be able to pay it forward. I guess this is what push me forward. To impart knowledge to the younger generation so that they do the best they can, and exceed their own expectations and capabilities. There can be more people greater than me. And if the people I helped end up being more successful, I would have accomplished what I want to do.

Mid life crisis

Recently got this online when I was in Iceland. Somehow the words just “captured” me asking me that it wanna go home with me. Trust wholeheartedly - probably the most apt message that I need to hear now. I love God and I trust that I’m in good hands. But recently, I’ve started to think if the current job is what I would wanna do for the next 20yrs. 

I’ve given it 20yrs. And 20yrs isn’t a short time. I’ve had my struggles in this span of time, learnt a lot, and grown a lot. And it has been a very fulfilling journey. But it has also reached a stage where I’m no longer sure if it still gives me the same excitement or if I’m even growing, compared to when I first started. I’m comfortable, work isn’t hectic but it isn’t exciting. I’m not sure why it’s starting to sound like a courtship. Hahaha.. wanted to speak to my mgmr abt it but we ended up quarreling coz he/I thought I/he said this blah blah blah and eventually 两败俱伤😝😝  

Which brings me to the next point? What do I want out of my work? Is it just to pay bills? Or am I expecting more? And I don’t want a situation where I’m trying to do something just becoz everything’s comfortable. You know.. like just because there isn’t difficulties means I should go do something completely different and drown in it. 

My job should be able to accomplish the following:

1) pay bills 

2) I would b fulfilled becoz I know I’ve helped someone today.

3) breakthrough?

4) challenged to try something different and master it 

What can I do?

- this is a tough qn tbh. Coz not every job will be able to fulfil 1) and 2). My heart can be full being a social worker or counsellor but it can’t help support my household expenses. And no one wanna hire me with no relevant experience too. Adulting is tough.. I wished I could use the same advise I tell some of my clients “Go chase yr dreams bcoz I’ve got u covered (financially)”. And the opportunity cost and inertia is huge too! 

I look at some of my clients my age; they are just working. Work is just something to pay bills and give them the means to do something they enjoy like traveling or shopping. Am I simply thinking and expecting too much?